Sage Rosenfels: There's really and truly only one way to put this, and it is: EPIC FAIL.
Houston Texans: Midway through the fourth quarter of the Colts-Texans game, with Indy down 17 points, I got the following text message from futuremrsrickankiel: "AHAHAHA! I told you not to underestimate the Texans!" Yet the words I wrote in my weekly picks -- that the Texans had spent the week "[preparing] for the pain and heartbreak of yet another tragic failure" -- were beyond prophetic. (Although, granted, it was the Texans I was talking about, so actual prophesy was hardly necessary.) The Colts orchestrated an historic comeback by scoring 21 points in just over two minutes of game time. And by "orchestrated" I mean that they took advantage of Sage Rosenfumble's catastrophic meltdown, as videotastically illustrated above.
Said Houston's Mario Williams: "I've never seen anything in my life like that. For that to happen, I can't even remember seeing anything like that growing up. It's just devastating." Yeah, seriously. Although I think we've all seen something like it before...
Said Rosenfumble himself: "For one play I made a really stupid mistake and that started the downward spiral. I feel like I let those guys down." Yeah. That's the kind of downward spiral that usually results in explosions and frogs raining from the sky and stuff. Anyway, don't understate things, Sage. You didn't just let down your team. You let down the entire city of Houston...the entire state of Texas. On the upside, I'm sure your performance gave Matt Schaub a very healthy sense of job security.
San Diego Chargers: Ugh. The Bolts' loss to the Fins was only slightly below Sage Rosenfels on the Epic Fail-ometer. Picked apart by Chad Pennington's floppy chicken wing of an arm (21-for-29, 228 yards, 1 touchdown) and stomped flat by Downtown Ronnie Brown (125 yards, 5.2 yards per carry, 1 touchdown)...that's what I call a baaaaad day. You know, I'm sure that Norv Turner and his staff watched film of that Dolphins-Patriots game...and yet the Chargers still couldn't figure out what Brown was going to do. Ronnie took 11 direct snaps to earn 49 yards and score Miami's second touchdown. Norv, you did watch that game film right? And you know how to work the Rewind and Fast Forward buttons? Here's some salt in the wound: At one point, I heard the broadcasters say that Brown was grinning at the San Diego defenders before the snaps. At what point did Ronnie Brown earn the right to taunt opposing defenses? Shouldn't that have gotten him flattened?
Even worse, Brown's emergence -- or re-emergence, if you count that four or five-game hot streak he had last year before getting hurt -- is coinciding with LaDainian Tomlinson's descent. LT "rushed" for only 35 yards (almost 100 yards fewer than Brown) and scored zero TDs, plus he got stuffed on a fourth-and-one that would have tied the game at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Said Tomlinson: "It was one of our favorite plays down there, and we have been successful in doing it. They get paid too, and they did a good job of snuffing out the play." Just change "the play" to "almost every play we tried to run" and he's exactly right. Seriously, I hope we find out at some point that Brown and LT were involved in some sort of Face/Off-style switch. That would maybe make a little sense.
Chris Perry: He personally sunk the Bengal's comeback battleship by fumbling the ball away on a run-of-the-mill rushing attempt. He wasn't even Sage Rosenflailing through the air or anything. You know, like this:
Mind you, this happened a scant three plays into a drive that began after the Bengals had pulled to within a point and then successfully recovered an onside kick. Nothing like single-handedly destroying your team's hope for a stirring upset. Perry, Sage Rosenfels and the Chargers should form an Epic Fail support group. Note: That was Perry's fifth fumble in five games. Man, you know a guy has stone hands when they bring in Ced Benson to back him up. [Slaps forehead. With a brick.]
Chad Ocho Cinco: He had three receptions for only 43 yards and no touchdowns, yet look how damn happy he was after the game:
Screw you, Ocho. You have officially lost all right to be pleased with yourself for the foreseeable future, even if you put away over 100 shrimp at an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet. You are an annoying prima donna who has become more of a distracting sideshow than an actual football player. If I was Carson Palmer, I would kick you square in the Spanish word for nuts.
Dallas Cowboys: Sure, they won, thanks to a gift that was wrapped and hand-delivered by Chris Perry. But they don't look very impressive these days, do they? And to think, a couple weeks ago people were talking about these jokers going undefeated. This happens every season. The media always wants the Cowboys to be better than they are, which is why it's so personally satisfying when they aren't.
Brian Griese: More prophetic words from my weekly picks: "If any man knows what it's like to fail in Denver, it's Bucs quarterback Brian Griese." Well, The Stair Master got knocked out of a close game by a blindside hit from Champ Bailey. And that, my friend, is how the Revenge Train can get derailed. And it was oh-so-cute watching Jeff Garcia scrambling around and trying to finish what Griese started. Kind of like watching a dog eat another dog's poop.
Groins: Broncos TE Tony Scheffler, DE Ebenezer Ekuban and TB Selvin Young all suffered left groin strains. [Winces.]
Buffalo Bills: Last week, Footbawful reader Nate emailed in about the due respect we have been so hesitant to give the Bills. This is what he had to say: "Random note that I will feel good about pointing out if the Bills continue winning and the Titans lose (and feel free to steal any and all of these if the Bills win and the Titans lose and you want to be the first blogger to acknowledge that the Bills just might be for real...because we all know that 'for real' means 'comparing relatively favorably with the Titans'): Everyone likes to point out that the Bills' opponents' records are a combined 4-11, and how terrifying the Titans' D looks (not going to argue either of those points). However, nary a mention that the Titans' opponents are a combined 3-12. And the Bills are only giving up 17 yards and 4 points per game more than the Titans (while averaging 15 more yards per game on offense.)"
Those were great points, and, frankly, things I should have picked up on before writing my picks and powerless rankings last week. BUT...well, we all saw what happened this weekend. Nate sure did. "Yeah...never mind. When people are saying that the Arizona freaking Cardinals are going to be the best test of your football team thus far and you fail that test in spectacular fashion -- the loss of one of the major catalysts of your resurgence notwithstanding -- it kind of undercuts any assertions you can make about the overall quality of said football team. As to the defense's bumblefuck, my only theory is that J.P. Losman entering any game causes all Buffalo players (and fans) to abandon all hope immediately. (I believe there is a Bible verse about this somewhere, 'And I beheld a pale rider on a pale horse, and Losman was his name, and hell in the form of poor decision making, an utter lack of leadership, and consistent untimely mistakes followed behind him. But he has a good arm and somehow his statistics never look particularly bad so people constantly make the assertion that he's not much worse than Edwards in spite of the fact the he does not seem to grasp the idea of a touch pass.' It's in the bible, so it has to be true.)"
Well, Nate, all I have to say is, doesn't that remind you an awful lot of those Bills teams that kept putting in Rob Johnson in over Doug Flutie? Because that's the first thing I thought of.
John Madden: Look, this man is obsessed with male legs. He oohs and aahs over somebody's legs every single week, and this time it was David Garrard's turn. Said Madden: "He has the biggest, strongest, most powerful looking calves I've seen on a quarterback ever." That comment was followed by several seconds of heavy breathing, and I don't think it was because he failed to make it to that ham sandwich somebody left only five feet away. (That's what his assistants are for.)
Fantasy futility: Okay, so two weeks after netting me -10 fantasy points, Ben Roethlisberger throws for 309 yards and 3 touchdowns. Mind you, I was so disgusted with his play so far this season, and so concerned about the litany of injuries the Steelers are dealing with, that I dropped -- not traded, dropped -- Big Ben for Kyle Orton this week. Which wouldn't have been a big deal if I'd played Orton, but I played Jake Delhomme instead. Which, again, probably would have been fine if the Panthers hadn't been running the ball down Kansas City's gullet. Oh, and LT continues to fail me. Okay. Rant over.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Home games against teams decimated by injuries...those are the ones you're supposed to win. It's finally official: The Jags have gone from being "The overlooked team that's better than anyone gives them credit for" to "The overhyped team that's not quite as good as everybody thinks they are." Congratulations, Jacksonville!
Labels: AFC, Chad Ocho Cinco, Chris Perry, Dallas Cowboys, epic fail, groins, Houston Texans, Ronnie Brown, Sage Rosenfels, San Diego Chargers, Worst of the Weekend
As post-game celebrations go, this one is...painfully lame. I mean, hip-hip-hurray? That's the kind of thing I'd expect my grandpa to do after a successful day at the bingo parlor. Hey Jim, you do realize that your team won on the road against their hated rivals, right? Right?!
Labels: Dallas Cowboys, Jim Zorn, lame celebrations, Washington Redskins
Referee Ed Hochuli: The man who made the tuck rule famous flagged the Panthers' Julius Peppers for a roughing-the-passer penalty that negated Carolina's pick-six in the first quarter against Atlanta. What's more, Muscles claimed that Peppers delivered a helmet-to-helmet hit on Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan. Replays, however, showed not only that Peppers made contact as Ryan released the ball, but that he hit him first with his shoulder after which their helmets collided. Weird. I didn't think steroids affected eyesight.
This gaffe, of course, comes on the heels of the blown call that helped Denver notch a 39-38 comeback win over San Diego. I guess that mean's more "low grades" for Hochuli. Isn't it interesting, though, that so much dust is getting kicked up over two officiating mistakes? NFL officials blow or miss calls with alarming regularity, but when Hochuli does it, everybody freaks out. That's what happens when you overachieve: Your mistakes seem correspondingly huge. Which is sort of a sad commentary on our society...much like the extendable fork.
Michael Turner: The NFL's "leading rusher" had 56 yards on 18 attempts and no touchdowns. And I wasn't the least bit surprised. I told you how bad the Falcons were on the road and I asked why you hadn't traded Turner yet. Why didn't you listen to me? Why didn't you listen?! Hey, you're also growing a second evil head. You gonna pay attention to that?
Mike Martz: San Francisco
Drew Brees: Brees -- the league leader in passing yards (1343), yards per game (335.8), and completion percentage (72.3) -- was again magnificent, throwing for 363 yards (23-for-35) and 3 touchdowns. But it's damn near impossible to figure out whom he's targeting from week to week. I mean, 101 yards for Lance Moore? Another 99 yards for Robert Meachum? And the would-be number one guy, David Patten, caught only one pass for 21 yards. Come on, Drew. Pick a primary receiver and stick with him. Fantasy teams all over the country may depend on it.
Kurt Warner: It seems almost unthinkable for a quarterback to throw for 472 yards (on 40 completions!) and 2 touchdowns and yet still end up in Worst of the Weekend. Unless, of course, that QB is Kurt "The Human Turnover" Warner. The Christian Kid undid all his accomplishments by getting sacked 5 times, tossing three picks, and losing three fumbles. That's like discovering a cure for your wife's cancer but then blindfolding her and sending her down a flight of stairs covered in banana peels.
But I should thank Kurt for helping prove me right. On Friday, I said: "If [the Cardinals and Jets] don't combine for 60-70 points and half a dozen turnovers, I'll be very sad." Well, they combined for 91 points and 8 turnovers. So in a way, the teams both exceeded and failed to live up to my expectations (if that makes any sense). And most of that is due to Kurt Warner. God bless you, sir.
New York's lack of class: Leading the hapless Cardinals 48-35, Brett Favre threw a touchdown pass -- his sixth of the game, a personal best -- with 1:54 left on the clock. Then they rubbed a little salt into the wound by for a two-point conversion. That's some bad juju right there. Remember what happened to the last team that challenged the Football Gods by running up scores? They suffered the greatest upset in Super Bowl history and then lost their QB to a catastrophic knee injury during the first quarter of the first game of the very next season. I'm just sayin'.
Even worse was how Jets safety Eric Smith almost killed Anquan Boldin with a helmet-to-helmet hit. Mind you, this happened with 34 seconds to go and the Jets holding an insurmountable lead. That's so not cool. But then again, I'm probably be inspired to play dirty if my team had forced me to wear this:
Aaron Rodgers: The man for whom Brett Favre -- who, in case you missed it, threw for 6 TDs yesterday -- was run out of town was sacked three times and threw three picks, the last of which ended up being the game-clincher. Oh, and he got his shoulder separated, so chances are he'll be out for a while. And this seems as good a time as any to mention that Favre holds NFL record with 257 consecutive starts...and counting. The lesson: Never, ever, ever ditch a legend who can still play.
Ryan Grant: Green Bay's problems weren't limited to their quarterback. Grant, who demanded that the Packers show him the money in the offseason, had 20 yards on 15 carries for a Cedric Benson-like 1.3 yards per carry. He also fumbled once as a reciever and once as a rusher, witht he rushing fumble getting run back for a Tampa Bay TD. I will now continue the Ced Benson analogy by presenting Grant's current stats for the season: 55 carries, 186 yards (3.4 yards per carry), zero touchdowns and two lost fumbles. Raise your hand if you took Grant in the first round of your fantasy league draft. Now go give yourself an atomic wedgie. You totally deserve it.
Brad Childress: During the second quarter of the Vikings-Titans game, Childress used a timeout to figure out whether to challenge the spot of a catch by Tennesse's Justin Gage (Gage appeared to lose the ball right before the whistle). Then, after talking it over with coaches, he threw the challenge flag. Bad news: The spot of the catch was upheld, and Childress lost a second timeout. Why waste a timeout when, in a worst-case scenario, you'll just lose a timeout anyway? How does that make sense? But keep in mind that this is the same guy who had to choose between starting Tavaris Jackson and Gus Frerotte at quarterback. Stands to reason that his brain's a little fried.
Trent Green: Let's see: 236 yards on 17-for-32 passing, two sacks, zero touchdowns, and an interception that was run back by Buffalo for the go-ahead touchdown. Yep, that was exactly what the Rams needed to turn things around. Sorry if I slopped some of that sarcasm on you. Things tend to get messy when discussing the Rams. On the bright side, yesterday was the first time this season that the Rams finished within 24 points of their opponent. So that's something.
Dallas Cowboys: It seems like only last week that the Cowboy's Tank Johnson was already looking ahead to the playoffs. Oh yeah, it was last week. Unfortunately for Dallas, the NFL still requires its teams to complete the regular season and win all their postseason games before receiving the Lombardi Trophy, no matter how good they looked over the first three games. Remember what happened to the Emperor after he prematurely celebrated his victory over the Rebels in Return of the Jedi? Allow me to remind you:
Terrell Owens: Wanna know why the Cowyboys lost the game? It certainly wasn't hubris of the fact that their defense got chewed up by Clinton Portis (121 yards on 21 rushes) and Jason Campbell (231 yards and 2 TDs). It was because Terrell Owens didn't touch the ball enough. No, really. Just ask Terrell Owens. "Everybody recognized that I wasn't really getting the ball in the first half. I'm pretty sure everybody watching the game recognized it, people in the stands recognized it, I think my team recognized it. I didn't quit. I kept fighting and trying to running my routes and trying to get open."
For the record, the Cowboys ran 58 offensive plays. Romo threw it to Owens 18 times and handed it off to him twice on end-arounds. But when somebody pointed that out to him and asked whether being almost 40 percent of the offense was enough, Owens replied: "I would say no. I'm a competitor, and I want the ball." He later threw a tantrum during Tony Romo's press conference, noting that the press wasn't asking him enough questions.
Second-half Kyle Orton: Orton was fantastic in the first half of the Eagles-Bears game, throwing for three TDs...which has to be an all-time record for a Chicago QB. But somebody -- I'm guessing it was Rex Grossman -- must have hit Orton's self-destruct button during halftime, because Krazy Kyle came out after the intermission and threw for only 25 yards, tossed a sloppy interception and coughed up the ball twice on fumbles. Fortunately for Orton and the Bears, Donovan McNabb wasn't much better (3 sacks, 1 interception) and the Eagles running game was a victim of evolution...which is probably why they couldn't convert second-and-goal, third-and-goal and fourth-and-goal -- all from the Bears' one-yard line -- with just over three minutes remaining. Hey, if your offense can't gain a yard in three tries with the game on the line, you don't deserve to win. A wag of the finger, mabye, but not a win.
Labels: Aaron Rodgers, Brad Childress, Dallas Cowboys, Ed Hochuli, Kurt Warner, Kyle Orton, Michael Turner, Mike Martz, New York Jets, NFC, Ryan Grant, Terrell Owens, Trent Green, Worst of the Weekend
Panthers over Falcons: The Falcons have looked amazing this season. At home. Against the Lions and Chiefs. On the road against Tampa? Not so much. Michael Turner -- who leads the NFL in rushing with 366 yards and 5 touchdowns -- gained 42 yards on 14 attempts against the Bucs, and Matt Ryan completed only 13 of his 33 passes for 158 yards and two interceptions. But you know what? Those are nothing but meaningful numbers. Forget them and listen to my gut. It's saying, "This is Jake Delhomme's comeback week. Take the Panthers. Now get me some Taco Bell, stat."
futuremrsrickankiel sez: The NFC South is shaping up to be one of the toughest divisions in the league this year, and this epic battle of So White It Pains Me quarterbacks may turn out to be indicative of who holds on down the stretch. Here's a hint: It's going to be the Panthers. Jake Delhomme may fluctuate wildly between atrocious and mediocre, but he's got so many more options on offense than Matt Ryan that it really doesn't seem fair. Ooh ooh, but the Falcons have Roddy White! Yeah, and I've got a half-eaten bagel. Wanna trade?
Saints over 49ers: If you're a fan of defenseless shootouts, this game is for you. I bet Mike Martz has been walking funny all week, what with the giant, throbbing erection he's probably sporting. By the way, Mike, men experiencing an erection lasting longer than four hours may die of Elevated Penis Syndrome. Just thought you should know. Sidenote: This may be the week that J.T. O'Sullivan's fantasy stock goes through the roof. My advice: Buy low, sell high.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: I'll be frank: I don't have balls. I'm a chick. However, picking the 'Niners to win this is as close as I'll come this week. (I'm on the waiting list at a clinic in Thailand, but airfare is just so EXPENSIVE these days.) It's not so much that I think San Francisco is a better team as it is that I think the Saints simply excel at finding ways to lose. Blame Martin Gramatica for last week all you want, but the truth is that if he hadn't stepped up, someone else would have. Should you desire mathematical proof:
SFO = Frank Gore
NO = Reggie Bush
Frank Gore = monster
Reggie Bush = little bitch
monster > little bitch
SFO > NO
Jets over Cardinals: I'm officially instituting a "Don't take the Cardinals on the road rule" until they win two road games in a row. Which is essentially the same as saying "forever and ever and ever until infinity times two." Still, there's just enough offensive and defensive ineptitude between these two teams to make this a pretty exciting game. If they don't combine for 60-70 points and half a dozen turnovers, I'll be very sad. Which will be a familiar feeling while watching these teams play.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: Again: Do not write Brett Favre off just because it's easy. I say J-E-T-S all day, as much as I wanted to like the Cards this season. Also, please note that even if the combined score is 70, it still won't be as high as the combined age of these two starting QBs.
Packers over Buccaneers: After watching Brian Griese machine-gun the Bears with 67 pass attempts last Sunday, I became a believer. But my belief is that the Bucs are in big trouble, because that is not a formula for success. Neither is drowning during your own publicity stunt, for that matter. Memo to Ryan Grant: You are absolutely killing fantasy teams across the country. That is all.
futuremrsrickankiel sez:While I am 100% sure that Griese will not continue to be as awesome as he was against the Bears last week, I'm, like, 110% sure that the Green Bay secondary is a total mess and will do nothing to stop the Bucs' passing game. Note to self: Start Ike Hilliard.
Cowboys over Redskins: It's a modern day game of Cowboys and Injuns. And we all know how that turned out, don't we? [shudders] Meanwhile, there's only been three weeks of NFL action and yet the 'Boys are looking ahead. Way ahead. To January. According to defensive tackle Tank Johnson: "We're slowly starting to jell and that's huge as we get farther along in the season. That's what the regular season is for, jellin' for the postseason." Hey, Tank. I'm jellin'. Are you jellin'? P.S. There are 13 regular season games left. Slow down and enjoy the ride. And, uh, don't shoot.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: Dallas demonstrated decisively (damn!) last week that if you shut down their passing game, they'll just let MBIII and Felix Jones go freak-nasty on your ass and mop the floor with you anyway. Washington's defense is good, yes, but their offense is far too dependent on Santana Moss for me to think they'll pull this one out. Just... something about the whole "injury-prone midget" thing makes me nervous, you know?
Eagles over Bears: Do you suppose Kyle Orton has been wetting his bed all week? I would be if I were him, based on what the Philly defense did to Ben Roethlisberger last week. He's probably been jumping at shadows wherever he goes. Kind of like, well, the people who work with Terry Tate...
futuremrsrickankiel sez: Darling, I know you're going to get your knickers all up in a knot about this pick, but Brian Westbrook and Donovan McNabb are both questionable for this weekend and surely won't be playing their best even if they do play. It's all in your hands, DeSean! And we all know what that means.
Bills over Rams: The Trent Green Era: Part II begins this weekend in St. Lous, and it's giving me a serious case of the cold chills. Mostly because we might actually see Green get killed on live TV. This man has a history. A bad history. What's Scott Linehan thinking?! I mean, the way the Rams' offensive line has been playing, that's like covering a man in chum and dropping him into the middle of a feeding frenzy without a cage or even one of those mesh anti-shark suits. I hope Trent's family has a eulogy ready, that's all I'm saying.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: Oh, FINE. But if the Bills win the AFC East, I am quitting this website.
Basketbawful's Week 3 Record: 12-4
Labels: Arizona Cardinals, Buffalo Bills, Chicago Bears, Dallas Cowboys, Green Bay Packers, New York Jets, NFC picks, Philadelphia Eagles, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Bucaneers, Washington Redskins
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Previous Posts
The AFC divisional playoffs: Duck and coverThe NFC Divisional Playoffs: A Tale in Two Acts
Worst of the Final Weekend (of the regular season)
Panthers/Giants: Hot Live Action!
Weekend Worsties: Awful Football Conference
The NFC's weekend pooperpalooza
Weekend crapercize: AFC bawfulness
NFC Week 13: The Search for Redemption
The Black Friday Bowl of Bawful
Pigskin on Turkey Day: Your All-Vegan Live Post
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