Ah, the Lions...still winless despite carrying a 13-10 lead into the fourth quarter of their game against the Vikings. And they even got an early Christmas gift when Gus Frerotte was sidelined by a back injury and replaced by Tarvaris "No Action" Jackson. Watching this team play -- in the immortal words of Patches O'Houlihan -- is "like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob!" And, bad news for the Detroit faithful (assuming there are any left): Your Lions are playing the Colts in Indianapolis next weekend. So you can probably go ahead and just mark them down for 0-14.
Oddly enough, Lions coach Rod Marinelli is maintaining an air of deluded and possibly neurotic optimism. Said Marinelli: "I'm looking forward to this week. We're playing a heck of a team, but we think we've got a good chance." Really, Rod? Really?! A good chance of what, exactly? Because unless "suck" is contagious, the Colts are going to trample all over your sad little team.
But my favorite Lions-related quote of the weekend, though, came from Jason Hanson, who's getting paid over $2 million this year to kock footballs: "We've got something to play for." Well, I'm certainly glad that 0-13 has you so inspired, Ryan. It must be so nice to have something to play for.
The nadir of Detroit's defeat most likely was Detroit center Dominic Raiola, who flipped off the home fans and then went apeshit afterward. Said Raiola: "I don't take one thing back. I'm just tired of hearing it coming at just me. It's coming at me because I've been here for years. I've been through the losing. Me, Jeff (Backus) and whoever else are the head of the losing. I'm just so frustrated. I'm tired of being a doormat for people to just talk to us how they want to talk to us. I'm just not going to put up with that anymore. I'd do that, but you cant [gives fans your home address]. Nobody plays with fists. Everybody wants to play with metal." So he'd like to have Lions fans show up at his house for a fistfight, but he's afraid they'd shoot him. All I can say is...wow.
The Lions' historic ineptitude and Raiola's sociapathic attitude aside, the really BIG news COMING out of Detroit yesterday was the exposed schlong that was broadcast by the FOX network. Oh yes they most certainly did. (I have, of course, provided a SFW image. If for some unholy reason you want to see the full monty, well, follow the link.)
And then there is the sad case of the Green Bay Packers, who watched Matt Schaub return from
Fun fact: Yesterday's 24-21 loss to the Texans was Green Bay's fifth loss by four points or fewer this season. Ouchies. Said Aaron Rodgers: "The frustrating part is, it's been right there in front of us. We've had the opportunity to execute and finish those games off and we haven't." C'mon, Aaron! If you want football victory you gotta grab it by its haunches and hump it into submission, that's the only way!
In Philadelphia, the Giants finally dropped one. I guess the grind of trying to repeat as NFL champions while absorbing several significant losses on defense and missing your first string running back and then having his backup go down with a knee injury in the third quarter and losing your star receiver -- maybe forever -- after an accidental gunshot wound to the leg at a dance club that he tried to cover up and therefore will probably end up in jail really can get to a team, for one game at least. And still the Eagles won by only 4. Fly proud, my friends.
Of course, Eagles tight end L.J. Smith wants to believe his mediocre-at-best team is simply a Giant Killer: "I just think we kind of beat them. It's tough to say. That's one of those: 'How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll?' Who knows if the distractions hurt them and helped us? I don't know." Don't worry, L.J. I promise you'll have plenty of extra time in the offseason to contemplate that and many other deep thoughts, like instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
Random note: Eli Manning was 13-for-27 for 123 yards. So, you know, don't rush to finish that bronze bust. He's still a few years away from induction at Canton.
Dear St. Louis Rams: Congrats for handing the Arizona Cardinals -- yes, you are in fact reading this correctly -- their first division title in what might as well be since forever (although in reality it's been "only" 33 years). And you've gotta love 'Zona defensive tackle Darnell Dockett's reaction: "My coach was like, 'Act like you've been there before, act like you've been there before.' I said 'Coach, I ain't been there before. I don't know how to act right now.'" He's so cute I could vomit a Rainbow Brite finger painting. I also enjoyed this quote from Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt, for which I will provide no context whatsoever: "I was excited to get a bath. That's one of the things I guess as a coach you dream about." Dare to dream, Ken!
Fun talk aside, here's a big "C'mon, now!" to Kurt Warner (24-for-33, 279 yards, 1 touchdown), who had this to say regarding the so-called irony of his new team clinching a division title against his old team: "My God's got a sense of humor. Maybe that's part of it." Nice. Does your God's sense of humor have anything to do with your wife's hair, Kurt? I'm just curious.
Here's my postscript on the Rams: 2-11. 'Nuff said.
Finally, we must discuss -- and by "discuss" I mean "me talk, you listen" -- the Dallas Cowboys, whom Tony Kornheiser annointed the Super Bowl champs after Week 3. Things have changed drastically since then, but, despite a cluster of embarrassing losses, the 'Boys are still in the playoff hunt. And their chances of leaving Pittsburgh with a huge win seemed pretty good after they stuffed Gary Russell for a 2-yard loss on a fourth-and-goal play from the Dallas 1 early in the fourth quarter, thus maintaining what at the time looked like an insurmountable 10-point lead. After the play, some of the Dallas players nearly herniated themselves celebrating. Bad idea. Terrell Owens, who was dressed in fashionable ninja attire on the sideline, denied his boys were rubbing it in. "It's all about momentum. It's just momentum. It wasn't us thinking the game was over by any means. Sometimes it's just like that. We were excited, the game was going our way." Uh huh.
From that point forward, the Steelers' defense asserted itself. Not only did the Pitt Monsters rumble back to tie it, they managed to rattle Tony Romo by calling a timeout on what Romo thought was going to be a game-winning drive for the Cowboys. Said Steelers linebacker James Harrison: "He gave us that, 'Who called the time out? You called the time out?' Yeah, we called the time out."
Then, on the very next play, Deshea Townsend scored on a 25-yard interception return on the next play with 1:40 remaining...only 24 seconds after their game-tying touchdown. Cowboy Fail.
Now, I know this is gonna surprise you, but Jerry Jones was pissed after the game. Not just at his team, but at his missing running back, the injured Marion Barber (dislocated pinkie toe). Said Jones: "He can play with that injured toe. He can play with the soreness and a combination of those things. I see nothing that led us to believe he couldn't." Nice one, Jerry. As far as motivational speeches go, that's right up there with "Holy hell son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!" I'm sure Marion'll just kill himself for you and your team next week.
Labels: NFC, Worst of the Weekend
Bears over Titans: The Bears' season began with a quarterback competition that took place in training camp. Since the coaching staff wanted to be fair to both players, Kyle Orton was asked to tie both shoes, using a complicated double-knot scheme. Rex Grossman, on the other hand, was required to navigate his way through a maze populated by giant insects that can crush cars with their powerful mandibles. He was also blindfolded. And set on fire.
Anyway, we all know how that turned out. But the cruel fates have forced Lovie Smith to once again turn over his offense to Rex Grossman. Which is kind of like asking a suicidal meth addict to babysit your children. Between Rex and Chicago's hopelessly substandard defense, this game has all the fixin's for an epic Bears defeat. Which is exactly why I'm picking them.
Look, every team, no matter how good, has a banana peel game. And it's usually against a team or under circumstances in which they least expect it. Think the Rams throught they'd lose the Super Bowl to the Patriots back in '01? Think the Patsies thought they'd lose to the Giants last season? Nope and nope. Right now, Rex Grossman has everything to prove and absolutely nothing to lose. I say he plays well, the Bears win, and we get ourselves a brand new QB controversy in the Windy City. Good times!
How could they possibly...fail...uh...oh no. GOOD GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
Saints over Falcons: As I said in the Powerless Rankings, the Falcons are playing with house money right now. They were expected to do exactly Jack and Shit...and Jack left town. The Saints, on the other hand, are already on the brink of playoff elimination in the midst of a year of high expectations. They need this game. It could potentially make or break their season.
See, it's just like when you're out at the bars. You could have two women of roughly equal beauty and intelligence, but the advantage almost always goes to the one who's a little more desperate. She's more likely to dress a little sluttier, dance a little dirtier and lower her standards just a little bit more than the other girl. In short: She'll do whatever it takes to win. (And in this case "win" usually means going home with an overweight, middle-aged computer programmer whose wife is out of town for the weekend, but a W is a W, right?) Anyway, that's where the Saints are. They'll do anything to win this game.
Because nobody would watch if they were just "Housewives."
Packers over Vikings: Last week, the Vikings barely beat the Texans. Meanwhile, the Packers pushed the unbeaten Titans to overtime and lost by a field goal. Aaron Rodgers was 22-of-41 for 314 yards and a touchdown against a pretty stingy Tennessee defense while the Vikes were padding their stats against Houston's "Thighs Wide Open" D. I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes a loss is more impressive than a win. But...
Vikings over Packers: You know what? The Packers have the sixth-worst rush defense in the league, allowing 146.4 yards per game. And Adrian Peterson ran for almost 140 yards last week...and he plays his best at home (487 yards on 96 carries in four games at the Metrodome). That can only mean one thing:
The reality is, although Rodgers has turned out to be pretty good, the rest of the Pack are pretty "meh" or worse. My take: They shot their wad against the Titans last week. By Monday morning, you'll have to scape these guys out of AP's cleats.
Jets over Rams: When we were divvying up the interconference games, the FutureMrs said: "Jets + Rams = We All Lose." But I respectfully disagree. All week I've been reading and hearing about how Brett Favre is (finally) washed up, how he keeps throwing picks, how his yardage and QB rating keep dropping every game. But I've watched Brett long enough to know one thing: He can really beat the hell out of bad teams. And that's what the Rams are. A bad, bad, baaaaaad team. So not only will the Jets win, Brett Favre fantasy owners will win...big time (I'm thinking 250+ yards and 3 TDs, and that's a conservative estimate.) Of course, the consequence of this will be that, next week, those people will probably think Favre's on a hot streak and get blindsided when he throws for 162 yards and 3 INTs. But whatever.
Bubba chomp. Bubba chewy chomp.
Another thing to consider: The Jets defense is actually getting really tough. Last week, they held the Bills to 30 yards rushing and sacked Trent Edwards five times. (If only they could have mangled his pretty face a little bit...) On the season, the Jets are holding opponents to 76.0 rushing yards per game, which is fourth in the league behind the Steelers, Vikings and Ravens. That's bad news for the Rams, since their only real offensive weapon is Steven Jackson. Who, by the way, is in coach Jim Haslett's dog house.
On the first play of last Sunday's 34-13 loss to the Cardinals, Jackson "declared himself unprepared to run the play that was called -- an outside cutback run he wasn't ready to handle." Jackson finished with seven rushes for 17 yards. And coach wasn't pleased. Said Haslett: "Steven has got to give us a full day's work this week or he will not play...we can't go into a game not knowing whether he can play or not." Oh really? What other option do you have, coach? Backup RB Antonio Pittman suffered a hamstring injury on that previously mentioned first play and Travis Minor got a concussion on special teams. So it's pretty much SJ or bust. I'm gonna go with "bust."
Eagles over Giants: New York is ranked second in the league in sacks with 30.0. Philly is fourth with 27.0. You know what that means: SACK PARTY!!
My guess is that Peyton's little brother will be this week's sack attack victim. The fact that the Giants keep winning has sort of disguised this, but the youngest Manning hasn't been sucking up a storm lately. After averaging 258.0 yards with a QB rating of 102.2 through the first four games, Eli has has averaged a 78.5 quarterback rating over the past four weeks...while failing to throw for 200 yards even once. And despite the fact that the Giants thumped the Cowboys last week, Eli lost two fumbles, got sacked four times, had an interception returned for a touchdown and threw for a season-low 147 yards. Those are some pretty ugly numbers for a guy who's team won by 21. I bet the Eagles defenders are licking their chops...
Cardinals over 49ers: Let me recap the sitch for you: Coach Mike Singletary is dropping his draws in the locker room and Shaun Hill is replacing J.T. O'Whateverthehell at quarterback. Greeeeeat. That's like having Robin show up to rescue you.
Look, the Cards are the highest scoring team in the league (29.3 PPG). They're also undefeated at home...where they're beating people by 17 points per contest. And San Fran is mournfully defenseless: They're curently ranked 30th in points allowed (28.8 PPG). I just don't see them winning a shootout in 'Zona, no matter how amazing Samurai Mike looks in his tighty whities.
Last week's abbreviated record: 4-4
Season record: 57-36
Anyway, we all know how that turned out. But the cruel fates have forced Lovie Smith to once again turn over his offense to Rex Grossman. Which is kind of like asking a suicidal meth addict to babysit your children. Between Rex and Chicago's hopelessly substandard defense, this game has all the fixin's for an epic Bears defeat. Which is exactly why I'm picking them.
Look, every team, no matter how good, has a banana peel game. And it's usually against a team or under circumstances in which they least expect it. Think the Rams throught they'd lose the Super Bowl to the Patriots back in '01? Think the Patsies thought they'd lose to the Giants last season? Nope and nope. Right now, Rex Grossman has everything to prove and absolutely nothing to lose. I say he plays well, the Bears win, and we get ourselves a brand new QB controversy in the Windy City. Good times!
Saints over Falcons: As I said in the Powerless Rankings, the Falcons are playing with house money right now. They were expected to do exactly Jack and Shit...and Jack left town. The Saints, on the other hand, are already on the brink of playoff elimination in the midst of a year of high expectations. They need this game. It could potentially make or break their season.
See, it's just like when you're out at the bars. You could have two women of roughly equal beauty and intelligence, but the advantage almost always goes to the one who's a little more desperate. She's more likely to dress a little sluttier, dance a little dirtier and lower her standards just a little bit more than the other girl. In short: She'll do whatever it takes to win. (And in this case "win" usually means going home with an overweight, middle-aged computer programmer whose wife is out of town for the weekend, but a W is a W, right?) Anyway, that's where the Saints are. They'll do anything to win this game.
Packers over Vikings: Last week, the Vikings barely beat the Texans. Meanwhile, the Packers pushed the unbeaten Titans to overtime and lost by a field goal. Aaron Rodgers was 22-of-41 for 314 yards and a touchdown against a pretty stingy Tennessee defense while the Vikes were padding their stats against Houston's "Thighs Wide Open" D. I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes a loss is more impressive than a win. But...
Vikings over Packers: You know what? The Packers have the sixth-worst rush defense in the league, allowing 146.4 yards per game. And Adrian Peterson ran for almost 140 yards last week...and he plays his best at home (487 yards on 96 carries in four games at the Metrodome). That can only mean one thing:
The reality is, although Rodgers has turned out to be pretty good, the rest of the Pack are pretty "meh" or worse. My take: They shot their wad against the Titans last week. By Monday morning, you'll have to scape these guys out of AP's cleats.
Jets over Rams: When we were divvying up the interconference games, the FutureMrs said: "Jets + Rams = We All Lose." But I respectfully disagree. All week I've been reading and hearing about how Brett Favre is (finally) washed up, how he keeps throwing picks, how his yardage and QB rating keep dropping every game. But I've watched Brett long enough to know one thing: He can really beat the hell out of bad teams. And that's what the Rams are. A bad, bad, baaaaaad team. So not only will the Jets win, Brett Favre fantasy owners will win...big time (I'm thinking 250+ yards and 3 TDs, and that's a conservative estimate.) Of course, the consequence of this will be that, next week, those people will probably think Favre's on a hot streak and get blindsided when he throws for 162 yards and 3 INTs. But whatever.
Another thing to consider: The Jets defense is actually getting really tough. Last week, they held the Bills to 30 yards rushing and sacked Trent Edwards five times. (If only they could have mangled his pretty face a little bit...) On the season, the Jets are holding opponents to 76.0 rushing yards per game, which is fourth in the league behind the Steelers, Vikings and Ravens. That's bad news for the Rams, since their only real offensive weapon is Steven Jackson. Who, by the way, is in coach Jim Haslett's dog house.
On the first play of last Sunday's 34-13 loss to the Cardinals, Jackson "declared himself unprepared to run the play that was called -- an outside cutback run he wasn't ready to handle." Jackson finished with seven rushes for 17 yards. And coach wasn't pleased. Said Haslett: "Steven has got to give us a full day's work this week or he will not play...we can't go into a game not knowing whether he can play or not." Oh really? What other option do you have, coach? Backup RB Antonio Pittman suffered a hamstring injury on that previously mentioned first play and Travis Minor got a concussion on special teams. So it's pretty much SJ or bust. I'm gonna go with "bust."
Eagles over Giants: New York is ranked second in the league in sacks with 30.0. Philly is fourth with 27.0. You know what that means: SACK PARTY!!
My guess is that Peyton's little brother will be this week's sack attack victim. The fact that the Giants keep winning has sort of disguised this, but the youngest Manning hasn't been sucking up a storm lately. After averaging 258.0 yards with a QB rating of 102.2 through the first four games, Eli has has averaged a 78.5 quarterback rating over the past four weeks...while failing to throw for 200 yards even once. And despite the fact that the Giants thumped the Cowboys last week, Eli lost two fumbles, got sacked four times, had an interception returned for a touchdown and threw for a season-low 147 yards. Those are some pretty ugly numbers for a guy who's team won by 21. I bet the Eagles defenders are licking their chops...
Cardinals over 49ers: Let me recap the sitch for you: Coach Mike Singletary is dropping his draws in the locker room and Shaun Hill is replacing J.T. O'Whateverthehell at quarterback. Greeeeeat. That's like having Robin show up to rescue you.
Look, the Cards are the highest scoring team in the league (29.3 PPG). They're also undefeated at home...where they're beating people by 17 points per contest. And San Fran is mournfully defenseless: They're curently ranked 30th in points allowed (28.8 PPG). I just don't see them winning a shootout in 'Zona, no matter how amazing Samurai Mike looks in his tighty whities.
Last week's abbreviated record: 4-4
Season record: 57-36
Labels: Basketbawful versus futuremrsrickankiel, NFC, Weekly picks
1. The Detroit Zeroes. Last weekend was a Total Eclipse of the Heart for the Zeroes. Not only did they waste a 23-point second quarter by going scoreless in the second half, they let Rex Grossman beat them by throwing for one touchdown and running for another. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the Sad Tigers managed to actually win a game...making Detroit the only winless team left in the NFL. Then, they decided to address their problems by pulling Daunte Culpepper out of retirement. Mind you, this guy was D-U-N three seasons ago, and that fact was so obvious that no team in the league would have touched him with a ten-meter cattle prod. Until now. And you know where that leads, right?
2. The Chicago Bears. Da Bears are on a two-game winning streak and, at 5-3, are leading their division...which is pretty amazing considering the fact that most experts had them pegged to win four or five games this season. So why the precipitous rise to the numero dos spot in these rankings? Simple: Rex Grossman, starting quarterback. Man, the Bears are SO screwed...
3. The San Francisco 49ers. Ever since I found out that Samurai Mike's idea of an inspirational halftime speech is mooning his team -- he did it, apparently, to teach them about humiliation -- I cannot take the Niners seriously. I just can't. The only two things these guys have going for them right now are 1) they aren't winless and 2) they won't be starting Rex Grossman this weekend.
"Okay...who wants to see me without my pants? Anybody? Bueller?"
4. The Seattle Seahawks. Pro Bowl defensive end Patrick Kerney injured his shoulder in the Seahawks' pummeling of the Niners back on October 25. They're still trying to determine the severity of the boo-boo, but he's either out for a few weeks or until next year. Based on how this season has gone for the 'Hawks, my money's on "next year." Oh, and Matt Hasselbeck is still out with that bulging disc in his back. The only three things these guys have going for them right now are 1) they aren't winless, 2) they won't be starting Rex Grossman this weekend, and 3) Mike Holmgren isn't dropping his pants in the locker room. Yet. [shudder]
5. The St. Louis Rams. According to the Rams' team report: "The day began with hope in the air, but that's not the way it ended." They might as well replace "day" with "season" can call it wrap.
Bonus quote: Marc Bulger is immune to your criticism, puny humans. No, really. "If you want to put the blame on me, well, I don't care. Oh, I know everyone's going to say it's my fault. They're going to say I'm throwing off my back foot or crap like that. But you know what? I don't care what people say. All I care about are what my teammates and my family says. Everyone else? I don't give a damn." You know, the more somebody says they don't care, the more obvious it becomes that they really, really do care. Anyway, as to whether anything's his fault, here's a recap of his game against the Cards from the Rams' team report, in which he received a grade of "D" for his efforts: "QB Marc Bulger completed less than 50 percent of his passes, and the only think that kept this from being a failing grade was an 80-yard touchdown pass to WR Derek Stanley. Bulger had an interception returned for a touchdown and lost a fumble on a sack. Aside from the Stanley touchdown, Bulger’s other 15 completions totaled 106 yards." But it's not his fault.
6. The Minnesota Vikings. While doing research for these rankings, I saw the following two headlines side-by-side: "Minnesota Vikings' defensive line finally dominates" and "Vikings could be without Pro Bowl defensive end Jared Allen this Sunday." Allen apparently suffered a sprain of the AC joint in his right shoulder during the Vikings' 28-21 victory over the Houston Texans last Sunday. But that would only be a problem if the shoulder was an important...wait, it is? Uh oh.
Fun fact: The Vikings are 4-2 since Gus Frerotte was named the starting QB. When asked if the system he is being asked to run suits him well, Gus said: "I don't know. I just go out and play and have a lot of fun." Well, as long as you're having FUN, Gus, that's really all that matters.
It's all about fun for Gus Frerotte. And what's more fun than monkeys?!
7. The Dallas Cowboys. How low have the 'Boys sunk? Here's a direct quote from their team report: "Suddenly the ugly victory against the Bengals doesn't look so bad." When a team that was a heavy Super Bowl favorite as recently as Week 4 has to say, "Thank goodness we managed to barely beat the Bengals at home a few weeks ago," you know they're in trouble. On the bright side, Tony Romo should be back after the bye week, and the 'Skins loss to Pittsburgh kept the division race wide ope...the Giants are 7-1, you say? Well, never mind then.
8. The Washington Redskins. I could forgive that banana peel game against the Rams. Barely beating Cleveland and Detroit? Kinda worried me. But the loss to Pittsburgh was one of those "That which has been seen can't be unseen" sort of things. Kind of like a fat, old Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Speedo.
Ha, ha! Now you suffer with me.
9. The Green Bay Packers. You know what? I hate these guys. Screw 'em.
10. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. That Kansas City game sure felt like a loss, didn't it? And now all their running backs are hurt: Earnest Graham has a knee injury, Warrick Dunn missed the last game with a pinched nerve in his back, and fullback B.J. Askew has missed the last six games with a hamstring strain. And I will punch you in the nuts if you utter the words "But Cadillac Williams...." This puts all the pressure on Jeff Garcia to beat teams with his arm. Aha, and suddenly that whole quarterback issue rears it's ugly head again...good luck with that, Tampa Bay.
He is the Buc's master plan. Yes, they are screwed.
11. The New Orleans Saints. Uh, any chance New Orleans got a whole new defense during the bye week? No? And left defensive end Charles Grant is out for the rest of the season due to a bicep injury? That's BIG TROUBLE for the Saints. And I don't mean the awesome Big Trouble In Little China kind of trouble, either. Speaking of which, it's way past time for a Jack Burton tribute!
12. The Atlanta Falcons. The 5-3 Falcons are playing with house money at this point. I mean, let's be real, how many wins did you think they'd have this season? Three, maybe? Four at the most? Yeah. Now they're locked in what's becoming a pretty heated battle for the division. Sunday's game against the Saints is gonna be yuuuuuuuuuuuge [/Boston accent]. Fortunately for the Falcons, the New Orleans defense is less effective than trying to cover a public toilet seat with that cheapie toilet paper. If you own Michael Turner and/or Matt Ryan in your fantasy league, start them with confidence.
13. The Philadelphia Eagles. I just cannot get excited about this team. I just can't. They're the kind of ho-hum team that could put you to sleep on the can...like this poor guy.
I mean, seriously, the hot gossip on their team report was about their amazing three tight ends. Said coach Andy Reid: "I'm happy to have three good tight ends. You saw (No. 3 tight end Matt) Schobel step in. He had two catches, too!" Wowee! Did he make poopy in the toilet too?!
14. The Arizona Cardinals. They lead the NFL in scoring and rookie running back Tim Hightower -- who last Sunday rushed for 109 yards on 22 carries, including a 30-yard touchdown run -- has emerged a real force. They're 5-3, and this is the first time they've had a winning record after eight games since 1984. They can't win on the road, but so what? The only NFC teams with winning road records are the Giants and Redskins. This is an Arizona renaissance, baby. Just enjoy it. Kurt Warner is in his 90s; he won't be around forever. Next year, we might be watching Matt Leinart toss interceptions and overthrow his receivers.
15. The Carolina Panthers. Yeah, they're 6-2, but they've had five home games and only three road games...and they're an entirely unimpressive 1-2 on the road. That one win, by the way, came in the final seconds of that Week 1 game against the Chargers. And everybody's beating them this year. (Except the Patriots.) I'm just not sold. They're going to have to really pound a team of consequence to reach the bottom of this powerless barrel (of monkeys!).
16. The New York Giants. Who's gonna take them down? Er, knock them up? Uhm, you know what I mean.
2. The Chicago Bears. Da Bears are on a two-game winning streak and, at 5-3, are leading their division...which is pretty amazing considering the fact that most experts had them pegged to win four or five games this season. So why the precipitous rise to the numero dos spot in these rankings? Simple: Rex Grossman, starting quarterback. Man, the Bears are SO screwed...
3. The San Francisco 49ers. Ever since I found out that Samurai Mike's idea of an inspirational halftime speech is mooning his team -- he did it, apparently, to teach them about humiliation -- I cannot take the Niners seriously. I just can't. The only two things these guys have going for them right now are 1) they aren't winless and 2) they won't be starting Rex Grossman this weekend.
4. The Seattle Seahawks. Pro Bowl defensive end Patrick Kerney injured his shoulder in the Seahawks' pummeling of the Niners back on October 25. They're still trying to determine the severity of the boo-boo, but he's either out for a few weeks or until next year. Based on how this season has gone for the 'Hawks, my money's on "next year." Oh, and Matt Hasselbeck is still out with that bulging disc in his back. The only three things these guys have going for them right now are 1) they aren't winless, 2) they won't be starting Rex Grossman this weekend, and 3) Mike Holmgren isn't dropping his pants in the locker room. Yet. [shudder]
5. The St. Louis Rams. According to the Rams' team report: "The day began with hope in the air, but that's not the way it ended." They might as well replace "day" with "season" can call it wrap.
Bonus quote: Marc Bulger is immune to your criticism, puny humans. No, really. "If you want to put the blame on me, well, I don't care. Oh, I know everyone's going to say it's my fault. They're going to say I'm throwing off my back foot or crap like that. But you know what? I don't care what people say. All I care about are what my teammates and my family says. Everyone else? I don't give a damn." You know, the more somebody says they don't care, the more obvious it becomes that they really, really do care. Anyway, as to whether anything's his fault, here's a recap of his game against the Cards from the Rams' team report, in which he received a grade of "D" for his efforts: "QB Marc Bulger completed less than 50 percent of his passes, and the only think that kept this from being a failing grade was an 80-yard touchdown pass to WR Derek Stanley. Bulger had an interception returned for a touchdown and lost a fumble on a sack. Aside from the Stanley touchdown, Bulger’s other 15 completions totaled 106 yards." But it's not his fault.
6. The Minnesota Vikings. While doing research for these rankings, I saw the following two headlines side-by-side: "Minnesota Vikings' defensive line finally dominates" and "Vikings could be without Pro Bowl defensive end Jared Allen this Sunday." Allen apparently suffered a sprain of the AC joint in his right shoulder during the Vikings' 28-21 victory over the Houston Texans last Sunday. But that would only be a problem if the shoulder was an important...wait, it is? Uh oh.
Fun fact: The Vikings are 4-2 since Gus Frerotte was named the starting QB. When asked if the system he is being asked to run suits him well, Gus said: "I don't know. I just go out and play and have a lot of fun." Well, as long as you're having FUN, Gus, that's really all that matters.
7. The Dallas Cowboys. How low have the 'Boys sunk? Here's a direct quote from their team report: "Suddenly the ugly victory against the Bengals doesn't look so bad." When a team that was a heavy Super Bowl favorite as recently as Week 4 has to say, "Thank goodness we managed to barely beat the Bengals at home a few weeks ago," you know they're in trouble. On the bright side, Tony Romo should be back after the bye week, and the 'Skins loss to Pittsburgh kept the division race wide ope...the Giants are 7-1, you say? Well, never mind then.
8. The Washington Redskins. I could forgive that banana peel game against the Rams. Barely beating Cleveland and Detroit? Kinda worried me. But the loss to Pittsburgh was one of those "That which has been seen can't be unseen" sort of things. Kind of like a fat, old Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Speedo.
9. The Green Bay Packers. You know what? I hate these guys. Screw 'em.
10. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. That Kansas City game sure felt like a loss, didn't it? And now all their running backs are hurt: Earnest Graham has a knee injury, Warrick Dunn missed the last game with a pinched nerve in his back, and fullback B.J. Askew has missed the last six games with a hamstring strain. And I will punch you in the nuts if you utter the words "But Cadillac Williams...." This puts all the pressure on Jeff Garcia to beat teams with his arm. Aha, and suddenly that whole quarterback issue rears it's ugly head again...good luck with that, Tampa Bay.
11. The New Orleans Saints. Uh, any chance New Orleans got a whole new defense during the bye week? No? And left defensive end Charles Grant is out for the rest of the season due to a bicep injury? That's BIG TROUBLE for the Saints. And I don't mean the awesome Big Trouble In Little China kind of trouble, either. Speaking of which, it's way past time for a Jack Burton tribute!
12. The Atlanta Falcons. The 5-3 Falcons are playing with house money at this point. I mean, let's be real, how many wins did you think they'd have this season? Three, maybe? Four at the most? Yeah. Now they're locked in what's becoming a pretty heated battle for the division. Sunday's game against the Saints is gonna be yuuuuuuuuuuuge [/Boston accent]. Fortunately for the Falcons, the New Orleans defense is less effective than trying to cover a public toilet seat with that cheapie toilet paper. If you own Michael Turner and/or Matt Ryan in your fantasy league, start them with confidence.
13. The Philadelphia Eagles. I just cannot get excited about this team. I just can't. They're the kind of ho-hum team that could put you to sleep on the can...like this poor guy.
I mean, seriously, the hot gossip on their team report was about their amazing three tight ends. Said coach Andy Reid: "I'm happy to have three good tight ends. You saw (No. 3 tight end Matt) Schobel step in. He had two catches, too!" Wowee! Did he make poopy in the toilet too?!
14. The Arizona Cardinals. They lead the NFL in scoring and rookie running back Tim Hightower -- who last Sunday rushed for 109 yards on 22 carries, including a 30-yard touchdown run -- has emerged a real force. They're 5-3, and this is the first time they've had a winning record after eight games since 1984. They can't win on the road, but so what? The only NFC teams with winning road records are the Giants and Redskins. This is an Arizona renaissance, baby. Just enjoy it. Kurt Warner is in his 90s; he won't be around forever. Next year, we might be watching Matt Leinart toss interceptions and overthrow his receivers.
15. The Carolina Panthers. Yeah, they're 6-2, but they've had five home games and only three road games...and they're an entirely unimpressive 1-2 on the road. That one win, by the way, came in the final seconds of that Week 1 game against the Chargers. And everybody's beating them this year. (Except the Patriots.) I'm just not sold. They're going to have to really pound a team of consequence to reach the bottom of this powerless barrel (of monkeys!).
16. The New York Giants. Who's gonna take them down? Er, knock them up? Uhm, you know what I mean.
Labels: NFC, Powerless rankings, the Lions are the suckiest of suck
So the bad news, as you no doubt already noted, is that I totally didn't have time to make my picks this weekend. I had a mini-tour with the band I sing for this weekend, and the first time I had a chance to even think about football was when I turned on Bills/Jets at the half on Sunday afternoon... and then realized, with a sinking feeling, that I hadn't set the roster for a single one of my 4 fantasy teams. Awesome! Quarterbacks are overrated, anyway.
The good news, natch, is that my ceasing to pay attention to it did not in anyway cause the NFL to stop being hilariously terrible in every way imaginable. It's probably a good thing that the AFC duties fell to Matt this weekend, since I already blew out a capillary in my eye screaming at the television during the 4th quarter of the Colts/Patriots game and would probably end up chucking my laptop out a moving car window if I attempted to write about it. On, then, to How the Other Half Sucks!
Bears quarterbacks. By now, we're all aware that Kyle Orton was carted off the field with what was later revealed to be a high ankle sprain. Fortunately, Rex Grossman was there to save the day! And by "save the day" I mean "go 9-for-19 with 58 yards and an interception in the second half." Which I don't think is what people usually mean when they say "save the day." The nuances of football language sometimes escape me. I'd express more sympathy for Chicago fans, but they had to know their team was headed nowhere fast anyway. If the Return of the Rex is what was needed to drive the point home, then so be it.
Dan Orlovsky. The sad thing is, Danny boy actually threw a relatively good, accidental-safety-free game, completing 28 of 47 attempts for 292 yards and 2 touchdowns. But Orlovsky just couldn't come up when it counted. Not only did he cough up interceptions on Detroit's first two possessions of the game, but he had a chance to win the game with a pass to Calvin Johnson in the end zone as time expired... only to see said pass batted away like an irritating fruit fly by Bears safety Kevin Payne. THE DAUNTE CULPEPPER ERA GROWS NIGH!
The Lions', like, will to live. I don't know how else to describe the kind of football mentality that can rack up a 23-point second quarter and then STILL find a way to blow the game against a grossly (get it?) inept second-string quarterback. Like, if the Lions were a teenage girl, this is when I would start looking for angsty poetry scrawled on the back of their binder and noticing them listening to a lot of Elliot Smith. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR, DETROIT!!
[checks divisional standings]
Oh. Um, well, suicide's still not the answer, or something.
"No way, dude... get your own."
The Texans' O-line. Not only did they let Jared Allen get in a hit that sent Matt Schaub out with a knee injury, but they allowed poor Sage Rosenfels to get sacked on two consecutive plays with two minutes left when they were down by only 7, thus forcing a turnover on downs. Seriously, the recap of this entire game should be in italics just to drive home how terribly failtastic it was. Note that it was Allen who got both sacks on Rosenfels as well. I hear he later snuck into the Texans' locker room, ate their entire buffet, drew mustaches on everyone in the team picture, and then drove home in Chester Pitts' car.
The Texans' defense. Not only did their tiresome "everybody in the box" strategy allow Gus Frerotte to throw for 182 yards and 3 TDs on just 11 completed passes, but they ultimately got worn down by the one man they were desperately attempting to stop and got lit up by Adrian Peterson for 139 yards and a TD.
Ahman Green. And now, in news that will no doubt shock and astound you all: Ahman Green is injured.
The Jim Haslett Renaissance. Yep, I'd say back-to-back losses are more than sufficient to cancel out the little flurry of Rams-related excitement that two earlier surprise victories generated. The cutthroat Cardinals offense notched a 24-point second quarter (they're like the Lions, only they win!) and held onto the ball for more than 38 minutes en route to a decisive 34-13 whomping of the hapless Rams. Seriously, a toddler pushing one of those things with the little balls that hop around inside could dominate this year's NFC West... the Rams had a chance to make things interesting against 'Zona, and chose instead to fold like so many napkins in a picnic basket. And, truly, that shouldn't surprise you at all.
Steven Jackson. Many people blamed the Rams' loss to New England last week on the absence of their star running back. In a spectacular gesture of futility, Jackson returned this week for a colossally underwhelming 17 yards on 7 carries. Note that this still made him the game's leading rusher for the Ra... oh, no, wait, the leading rusher would be Marc Bulger, who only had 3 carries AND IS THE QUARTERBACK but still managed 32 yards. Jackson sat out for the majority of the second half amid thunderous booing from St. Louis fans, but returned briefly in the 3rd quarter to drop a sure touchdown pass and cement his status as this week's Bawfulmeister. Bravo, Mr. Jackson!
The Cowboys' offense. With Tony Romo and fiery rookie Felix Jones both out, I don't think anyone expected Dallas to play a particularly dominant offensive game. But the 'Boys only manage 183 total yards gained and had 4 turnovers on the day. Brutal.
Dallas quarterbacks. Again: Romo out, lowered expectations, yadda yadda yadda. Still, even with expectations lowered as they were, I don't think anyone expected Brad Johnson to toss 2 picks on just 11 attempts... nor, I'm sure, did they expect Johnson to then be replaced by Brooks Bollinger (who possibly also owns a haberdashery on the side) and send up another interception on his very first throw of the game. The Johnson/Bollinger show managed just 134 gross passing yards combined (102 net yards) and gave away 67 yards on interception returns. So, all in all they gave their team 35 yards. Spectacular.
The Oakland Raiders. Just when you thought that we surely MUST have exhausted all the bawful there was to be had in this dreadful weekend, we arrive at the Raiders/Falcons game recap just in time to welcome the Raiders to this season's Shutout Society, as Oakland joins the Kansas City Chiefs in said elite club following a 24-0 loss to Atlanta. And oh, ye gods and little fishies, was this game awful. Truly, I nearly died laughing from just a few moments of perusing the stats for this game. A brief sampling of the unintentional comedy contained therein:
JaMarcus Russell: 6/19, 31 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT
Justin Fargas (supposedly now the team's #1 back): 6 carries for 23 yards
Michael Bush (yes, he's a running back): 3 rushing attempts for -2 (!) yards + 3 receptions for 15 yards = 13 total yards on 6 plays
First-round draft pick Darren McFadden: 60 total minutes of warming the bench with his ass and working on his LaDainian Tomlinson impression
Total possession time by the Raiders: 15:45
The Seattle offense. The sad-sack Seahawks got off to a promising start, outscoring the Iggles 7-0 in the first quarter on a near-miraculous 90-yard touchdown pass to Koren Robinson (the longest play from scrimmage in Seattle's history)... and then proceeded to go scoreless for the entire rest of the game. In fact, Seneca Wallace only managed to lead his team into Philadelphia territory twice more the entire rest of the game. The 'Hox wound up punting 11 freaking times, including 7 three-and-out punts, and only gained 143 total yards on the 54 plays following Robinson's TD. And the worst thing is? I can't even laugh. It's that damn Seattle vibe, man. Shit just makes me depressed. Gahh!
Labels: bahahahah I still can't stop laughing about the Raiders game, NFC, Worst of the Weekend
1. The Detroit Lions. There are certain laws and equations that define the world in which we live and the physical reality that anchors our lives.
e = mc^2
acceleration = force / mass
circumference / diameter = 3.1415...
And so forth. Here's another one for the ages: a professional football team cannot allow opponents to average 30.5 points per game and expect to win. Ever.
If a Rudi Johnson falls into the end zone and scores a touchdown for an team with no defense to speak of, does it make a sound? (Answer: yes, but it's something akin to the sound you'd hear if you stepped on your dog's chew toy.)
2. The San Francisco 49ers.
Since Seattle and St. Louis have both had bye weeks already, it's San Francisco's honor to be moldering at the very bottom of arguably the league's worst division with a 2-6 record. There's really not a whole lot more I can add to that, except this:
(Bonus hilarity: If you're in need of a cheap laugh, check out the YouTube page where that Mike Singletary video appears and read the comments thread, which appears to have devolved into a McCain/Obama slapfest. I knew we'd rue the day we taught koala bears to use the Internet!)
3. The Seattle Seahawks. The C-Hox finally earned just their second win of the season. They still have the worst passing game in the league (take THAT, Oakland!), but at least their defense is starting to show signs of sentient life and Julius Jones is moving the ball. As Miracle Max would say: these Seahawks are only MOSTLY dead. After all, they won't be mathematically eliminated from having a winning season for another 2 losses!
4. The St. Louis Rams. And, with that, we're nearly done with the NFC West, and we're only a quarter of the way through these rankings. I'll give them this: they... actually, I won't give them anything. Sweet mother of pearl, 3 teams in this division have combined for just 6 WINS. And here I'm supposed to give the Rams credit for managing not to go winless? NO. NO I WILL NOT. 28.7 points per game given up to opponents while scoring just 16.0 per game? That's Detroit bad. That's Cincinnati bad. That's straight up Bawful. Look, it's super great that the Rams won two in a row. Remember when San Francisco was 2-1? Yeah, neither do they. Here's the point: we're well past the point in this season where 2 wins would make me get excited about a team. Call me when the Rams have a winning percentage ABOVE .286. If I don't pick up, it's because I'm in the shower. Or because I still don't give a fuck.
5. The Minnesota Vikings. There are two things the Vikings do very well: (1) run the ball, and (2) stop other teams from running the ball. At last count, there were 845,769 things that the Vikings do terribly. You see where I'm going with this.
"Please, somebody take this... I have no idea what to do with it."
6. The New Orleans Saints. A surprisingly potent offense has buoyed this NFC South team's battle to 4 wins and a record within striking distance of first place in this season's most competitive division. Here's the thing: sometimes in professional football (I know, I know... it seems so unfair!) you have to play games at NOT your home stadium, and (again, I know: totally egregious) those games actually count just the same as the games you play at home. It's a cold, cruel world we live in, my dears. But, hey, look at it this way: if you keep it up, at least you won't have to travel up to any of those icky cold Northern states in January for those wacky "playoffs" you read about in the papers!
7. The Atlanta Falcons. See Saints, New Orleans.
8. The Green Bay Packers. Aaron Rodgers has thrown 12 touchdowns, rushed for 3 more, and is currently leading the 6th-ranked passing game in the league. His Packers have fought their way back to a winning record after early struggles, and enjoyed a bye this past weekend to prepare them for their meeting with
Oh. Yikes. Yeah, the Titans are going to mash this limping Packers defense like so much pumpkin into a tasty Thanksgiving pie. That's another discussion for another time, though. (Tune into Footbawful on Friday formy pumpkin cheesecake recipe all your weekend picks!) Here's the point: I don't care how good Aaron Rodgers is, and I don't care that the Packers have a 4-3 record. They are a mind-numbingly mediocre team and their quarterback thinks he's some unholy combination of Bart Starr and Saint Sebastian. They suck and will go nowhere. This message forcefully disapproved of by the Packer Pope. Whatever. I don't trust that punk since he moved to Avignon anyway.
9. The Dallas Cowboys. Unlike my generally level-headed co-editor, I do not work myself into an orgasmic frenzy when I see the Cowboys losing. My thoughts on the 'Boys are thus: (1) Tony Romo is very attractive and I would enjoy seeing him naked, (2) I should have drafted Marion Barber III when I had the chance, and (3) I'd rather run naked through the streets of Milwaukee with "FOLLOW ME TO FREE BEER AND GERMAN SAUSAGES" painted on my asscheeks than see the Giants win this division. Hence, I suppose it saddens me a bit to have to inform you that the Cowboys are, in my humble opinion, toast.
10. The Philadelphia Eagles. A potent offense and an above-average defense are keeping this team afloat... sadly, because they have only 4 wins, they are mired at the bottom of the NFC East. It's like the exact opposite of the NFC West. Part of me thinks that this is unfair, but part of me acknowledges that throwing a team like the 49ers into a division with the Cowboys and the Giants would be much, much more unfair. Honestly, I don't think the Iggles are headed anywhere of significance this season, but they suck so much less than so many other teams in this conference that they've slid all the way to 10th in these rankings. Hooray for the ineptitude of others!
11. The Chicago Bears. These Bears are stunningly, astoundingly mediocre at nearly every aspect of the game... and yet they've got the 3rd-best offense in the league with 28 points per game and are winning the NFC North. I... I... I just... gahh. I've got nothing. Go Bears. Whatever.
12. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Scoring just 9 points against a Cowboys team that had let up a total of 64 points in its previous 2 games was not what these Bucs needed to bump them down on these Powerless Rankings. Still, props where props are due for the 5-3 record and second place in the hotly-contested AFC South. The Bucs currently have the second-ranked defense in the league with just 15 points allowed per game, and Jeff Garcia appears to genuinely want to start games. Still, the inconsistency of this team bothers me. 27 points against the Panthers and 9 against the Cowboys? What planet does that make sense on? Is it Bizarro Backwards Through the Looking Glass Neptune? Because that place is just a big tourist trap.
13. The Arizona Cardinals. Like the Bears, these Cardinals are also just 4-3 and still carving out a comfortable ass-groove at the top of their division thanks to the colossal amounts of bawful they're surrounded by. The difference here? The Cards have the number one -- the NUMBER ONE, folks -- offense IN THE LEAGUE with 28 points scored per game thanks to Kurt Warner's bionically reanimated arm having thrown for almost 2,100 yards and 14 brothershoving touchdowns. Nah, they don't really stand a chance in a conference with the Panthers, Bucs, and Giants (as Sunday's loss demonstrated)... but hot damn. At least they can, like, score points. The rest of the NFC West would love to know how they do it.
14. The Washington Redskins. I have to say: this team is an absolute joy to watch. Their play is dazzling and their wins are nearly always unexpected. They've got 6 wins on the season and are looking like the only team that's poised to give the Giants a run for their NFC East money. (Note: NFC East money is not redeemable for legal tender. Cash value 1/100 of a cent.) Critics will point to the Redskins' rather low 20.6 points-per-game offense and mutter that their win column is probably somewhat inflated. Seriously, though, watch this team play a game and then YOU come back and tell me I'm giving them too much credit. They're just great. I promise! Oh, and Jason Campbell? STILL hasn't thrown an interception.
15. The New York Giants. Whatever. Blah blah Eli Manning blah blah best run defense in the league blah blah first place. Blah.
16. The Carolina Panthers. Despite an almost-loss to the Cardinals this Sunday, the Panthers still managed to hang on for a 6-2 record and the rank of Least Eye-Gougingly Unwatchable Team in the NFC. They're still solidly middle-of-the-pack on offense with a fierce defense headed into their bye week, and here they shall remain until someone (pleasenotthegiants) unseats them. Rawr!
e = mc^2
acceleration = force / mass
circumference / diameter = 3.1415...
And so forth. Here's another one for the ages: a professional football team cannot allow opponents to average 30.5 points per game and expect to win. Ever.
2. The San Francisco 49ers.
Since Seattle and St. Louis have both had bye weeks already, it's San Francisco's honor to be moldering at the very bottom of arguably the league's worst division with a 2-6 record. There's really not a whole lot more I can add to that, except this:
(Bonus hilarity: If you're in need of a cheap laugh, check out the YouTube page where that Mike Singletary video appears and read the comments thread, which appears to have devolved into a McCain/Obama slapfest. I knew we'd rue the day we taught koala bears to use the Internet!)
3. The Seattle Seahawks. The C-Hox finally earned just their second win of the season. They still have the worst passing game in the league (take THAT, Oakland!), but at least their defense is starting to show signs of sentient life and Julius Jones is moving the ball. As Miracle Max would say: these Seahawks are only MOSTLY dead. After all, they won't be mathematically eliminated from having a winning season for another 2 losses!
4. The St. Louis Rams. And, with that, we're nearly done with the NFC West, and we're only a quarter of the way through these rankings. I'll give them this: they... actually, I won't give them anything. Sweet mother of pearl, 3 teams in this division have combined for just 6 WINS. And here I'm supposed to give the Rams credit for managing not to go winless? NO. NO I WILL NOT. 28.7 points per game given up to opponents while scoring just 16.0 per game? That's Detroit bad. That's Cincinnati bad. That's straight up Bawful. Look, it's super great that the Rams won two in a row. Remember when San Francisco was 2-1? Yeah, neither do they. Here's the point: we're well past the point in this season where 2 wins would make me get excited about a team. Call me when the Rams have a winning percentage ABOVE .286. If I don't pick up, it's because I'm in the shower. Or because I still don't give a fuck.
5. The Minnesota Vikings. There are two things the Vikings do very well: (1) run the ball, and (2) stop other teams from running the ball. At last count, there were 845,769 things that the Vikings do terribly. You see where I'm going with this.
6. The New Orleans Saints. A surprisingly potent offense has buoyed this NFC South team's battle to 4 wins and a record within striking distance of first place in this season's most competitive division. Here's the thing: sometimes in professional football (I know, I know... it seems so unfair!) you have to play games at NOT your home stadium, and (again, I know: totally egregious) those games actually count just the same as the games you play at home. It's a cold, cruel world we live in, my dears. But, hey, look at it this way: if you keep it up, at least you won't have to travel up to any of those icky cold Northern states in January for those wacky "playoffs" you read about in the papers!
7. The Atlanta Falcons. See Saints, New Orleans.
8. The Green Bay Packers. Aaron Rodgers has thrown 12 touchdowns, rushed for 3 more, and is currently leading the 6th-ranked passing game in the league. His Packers have fought their way back to a winning record after early struggles, and enjoyed a bye this past weekend to prepare them for their meeting with
Oh. Yikes. Yeah, the Titans are going to mash this limping Packers defense like so much pumpkin into a tasty Thanksgiving pie. That's another discussion for another time, though. (Tune into Footbawful on Friday for
9. The Dallas Cowboys. Unlike my generally level-headed co-editor, I do not work myself into an orgasmic frenzy when I see the Cowboys losing. My thoughts on the 'Boys are thus: (1) Tony Romo is very attractive and I would enjoy seeing him naked, (2) I should have drafted Marion Barber III when I had the chance, and (3) I'd rather run naked through the streets of Milwaukee with "FOLLOW ME TO FREE BEER AND GERMAN SAUSAGES" painted on my asscheeks than see the Giants win this division. Hence, I suppose it saddens me a bit to have to inform you that the Cowboys are, in my humble opinion, toast.
10. The Philadelphia Eagles. A potent offense and an above-average defense are keeping this team afloat... sadly, because they have only 4 wins, they are mired at the bottom of the NFC East. It's like the exact opposite of the NFC West. Part of me thinks that this is unfair, but part of me acknowledges that throwing a team like the 49ers into a division with the Cowboys and the Giants would be much, much more unfair. Honestly, I don't think the Iggles are headed anywhere of significance this season, but they suck so much less than so many other teams in this conference that they've slid all the way to 10th in these rankings. Hooray for the ineptitude of others!
11. The Chicago Bears. These Bears are stunningly, astoundingly mediocre at nearly every aspect of the game... and yet they've got the 3rd-best offense in the league with 28 points per game and are winning the NFC North. I... I... I just... gahh. I've got nothing. Go Bears. Whatever.
12. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Scoring just 9 points against a Cowboys team that had let up a total of 64 points in its previous 2 games was not what these Bucs needed to bump them down on these Powerless Rankings. Still, props where props are due for the 5-3 record and second place in the hotly-contested AFC South. The Bucs currently have the second-ranked defense in the league with just 15 points allowed per game, and Jeff Garcia appears to genuinely want to start games. Still, the inconsistency of this team bothers me. 27 points against the Panthers and 9 against the Cowboys? What planet does that make sense on? Is it Bizarro Backwards Through the Looking Glass Neptune? Because that place is just a big tourist trap.
13. The Arizona Cardinals. Like the Bears, these Cardinals are also just 4-3 and still carving out a comfortable ass-groove at the top of their division thanks to the colossal amounts of bawful they're surrounded by. The difference here? The Cards have the number one -- the NUMBER ONE, folks -- offense IN THE LEAGUE with 28 points scored per game thanks to Kurt Warner's bionically reanimated arm having thrown for almost 2,100 yards and 14 brothershoving touchdowns. Nah, they don't really stand a chance in a conference with the Panthers, Bucs, and Giants (as Sunday's loss demonstrated)... but hot damn. At least they can, like, score points. The rest of the NFC West would love to know how they do it.
14. The Washington Redskins. I have to say: this team is an absolute joy to watch. Their play is dazzling and their wins are nearly always unexpected. They've got 6 wins on the season and are looking like the only team that's poised to give the Giants a run for their NFC East money. (Note: NFC East money is not redeemable for legal tender. Cash value 1/100 of a cent.) Critics will point to the Redskins' rather low 20.6 points-per-game offense and mutter that their win column is probably somewhat inflated. Seriously, though, watch this team play a game and then YOU come back and tell me I'm giving them too much credit. They're just great. I promise! Oh, and Jason Campbell? STILL hasn't thrown an interception.
15. The New York Giants. Whatever. Blah blah Eli Manning blah blah best run defense in the league blah blah first place. Blah.
16. The Carolina Panthers. Despite an almost-loss to the Cardinals this Sunday, the Panthers still managed to hang on for a 6-2 record and the rank of Least Eye-Gougingly Unwatchable Team in the NFC. They're still solidly middle-of-the-pack on offense with a fierce defense headed into their bye week, and here they shall remain until someone (pleasenotthegiants) unseats them. Rawr!
Labels: maybe baby panther and sad tiger can be friends, NFC, Powerless rankings, reeeeeally dorky high school history references
1. The Detroit Zeroes. Here's a quote you can immediately file under "What the fuuuuuuu...?" Detroit coach Rod Marinelli -- whose squad hasn't scored a first quarter point this season -- had this to say about the team's offense: "I like what we're doing. We have to do it better." Yes, and I like what the folks on Wall Street has been doing lately. They just need to do it better.
Sure, the Zeroes managed to score 21 points last week -- against the Texas Toasts -- but it's worth noting that Calvin Johnson caught a 58-yard Hail Mary pass on the last play of the first half and a 96-yard touchdown in the fourth quarter. That's 14 points that should not have been. Lightning isn't supposed to strike twice, and it sure as hell won't strike a third time for the Lions. Good God, Detroit has become a depressing football wasteland. Seriously, I could swallow a copy of Necessary Roughness and poop a better football team than this. They're so abominable, I want to lash out violently at the world around me. So I'm going to punish you, the reader, with this music video -- starring Scott Bakula! -- from the major motion picture Necessary Roughness.
2. The Seattle Seahawks. Poor Matt Hasselbeck is suffering from a bulging disk in his back that's pinching a nerve and causing weakness in the knee he hyperextended against the Giants three weeks ago...and the Seahawks are doing everything they can to get him back on the field. Uh, listen, Seattle coaching staff: If things like "walking" and "sitting on toilet" are difficult and painful for Hasselbeck, do you really think he should be throwing a football and getting run down by 300-plus pound men? I guess when your team has thrown for a combined 156 yards in two weeks, it's natural for desperation to set in. And hey, if that's the case, I'm sure the Bears would be happy to trade you Rex Grossman...
3. The San Francisco 49ers. After being named interim head coach earlier this week, Mike Singletary released the following statement: "I'm Samurai Mike. I stop 'em cold. Part of the defense, big and bold. I've been jammin' for quite a while, doin' what's right and settin' the style. Give me a chance, I'll rock you good. Nobody messin' in my neighborhood. I didn't come here lookin' for trouble. I just came to do The Super Bowl Shuffle."
"I'm telling you, the 46 defense is gonna make a comeback..."
Bonus quote: Team owner Jed York, who once stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, shrewdly diagnosed his team's problem: "I think we are getting 'out-intensitied.' I don't think that's a word, but I'm going to use it anyway." Bargleblibberfitz isn't a word either, but I'm going to use it anyway. Bargleblibberfitz!
4. The Dallas Cowboys. Watching the Cowboys slowly fall apart is like having sex for the first time all over again. I'm not even kidding. If the Dallas collapse was a physical thing, I would be dry humping it right now. A special "STIMPY, YOU EEE-DIOT!" goes out to Tony Kornheiser, who was trying to award Dallas the Vince Lombardi Trophy all the way back in Week 2. Good call, Tony. Remind me not to follow your stock tips.
5. The Philadelphia Eagles. According to the Eagles' team report: "The Eagles must get much better production from the tight end position the next 10 weeks if they hope to make a serious Super Bowl run." To which I say: "Hello, Earthlings. I am Rrellegard from the planet Klytaemnestra. I have travelled many zottlepracks -- what you Earth people know as a "light year" -- searching for an answer to this intergalactic question: How could anyone in the seven planes of reality think that tight end production is the missing element of the Eagle's Super Bowl run? ANSWER OR BE VAPORIZED, HUMAN SLUGS!"
6. The Minnesota Vikings. Let's see: 41 points, 439 total yards, and 1 loss.
7. The New Orleans Saints. The Saints learned two things last week: 1) why the Giants were so freaking happy to offload Jeremy Shockey and 2) that "defense" thing? Pretty important. Not that it isn't a barrel of party monkeys watching Drew Brees throw for 350+ yards every week and everything, but that's putting a lot of pressure on Drew and his mole sidekick. And Reggie Bush, the team's Swiss Army Knife, will miss the next three to four weeks after having surgery to repair a torn medial meniscus in his left knee. That's bad news for a team that's only 3-4 and staring up at everybody else in their own division. On the bright side: Less than four months 'till Mardi Gras!
Don't worry, New Orleans. Good times are right around the corner.
8. The Atlanta Falcons. This upstart team may be the surprise of the year, but while they've improved in many areas, passing defense is not one of them. The Falcons have given up 286, 313 and 294 yards passing in their previous three games. Oh, and look! There's Donovan McNabb, licking his chops as if this Sunday's game was a giant bowl of Chunky soup. IF ONLY THE EAGLES WERE GETTING BETTER TIGHT END PRODUCTION.
Anyway, Falcons coach Mike Smith would like people to stop hounding the team's secondary about all those yards they've been Frenching up (that is, surrendering): "Our passing yardage is not where we'd like it to be, but it's not necessarily totally attributed to the play of the secondary. I think that often times people have snap judgments as to why certain things are happening. You have to always be cognizant of the linebackers' play in pass defense as well as the defensive line." Oh, so it's everybody's fault. Thanks, coach.
9. The St. Louis Rams. This team is hot, hot, hot after back-to-back wins against the Redskins and Cowboys. And -- BANG! POW! ZOK! -- just like that the Rams are in second place in the NFC West. At 2-4. Dear merciful Zeus. And I thought Detroit was a football wasteland. But before you get too excited about the Resurrection Rams, keep in mind that Stephen Jackson -- who has been their only real offensive weapon this season -- suffered a quad injury in the fourth quarter of last week's game against the Dallas. Said QB Marc Bulger: "He was in quite a deal of pain in the locker room after the game, so I’d expect him to be out a couple of weeks." The injury has since been downgraded to a strain, and Jackson is expected to play at New England this week. But after what happened to the Broncos on Monday, this matchup just kinda feels ominous, doesn't it?
10. The Green Bay Packers. Blah, blah, blah, Arron Rodgers drama, blah, blah, blah. Sidenote: Wonder what's going to happen when the weather gets nasty and the Packers have to start running the ball and stuff.
11. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Jeff Garcia's performance against the Seahawks last Sunday -- 26-for-37, 310 yards, and a 47-yard touchdown pass to Antonio Bryant on the Buc's opening drive -- effectively ended the quarterback "controversy" in Tampa. Still, Garcia's offensive explosion against lowly Seattle yielded only 20 points, so you'll excuse me if I remain a tad skeptical. Jeff still feels like a playoff FAIL waiting to happen.
12. The Arizona Cardinals. Dear 'Zona: You must stop sucking on the road. Yours truly, Footbawful.
13. The Chicago Bears. Kyle Orton is leading a high-octane Bears offense that currently ranks third in the NFL in scoring at 28.0 points per game. I know. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But as fun as Mr. Neckbeard's "out of freaking nowhere" rise to elite quarterback status has been, it can't cover up for a defense that gave up 41 points and 439 total yards to the Vikings despite blocking a punt and forcing five turnovers. They are, officially, the Bizarro Bears.
14. The Washington Redskins. That stunning loss to the Rams was followed up by a butt-ugly win over the Brown Stains. Clinton Portis is limping around...and he's not the only one. It's usually a sign when the head coach says "We're wearing down a little bit." Right?
14. The Carolina Panthers. Here's a warning for all upcoming Panther opponents:
After seven games, Carolina ("They're mighty fina!" ranks second in pass defense, allowing only 168.7 yards per game and a mere five passing touchdowns. Last Sunday, they slammed the brakes on the Saints Throwingmobile, holding Drew Brees and his mole sidekick to 104 yards passing in the first three quarters. And that's just the highlight of a well-balanced team. However, as those lopsided losses to Minnesota and Tampa Bay have shown, the wheels can come off pretty quickly. Not sure I'm ready to take a ride on the bandwagon just yet. Keep my seat warm, FutureMrs.
15. The New York Giants. That loss to Cleveland was a little embarrassing, in a "Lindsey Lohan accidentally showing her snatch" kind of way. But they've still sucked the least of anybody in the NFC. So they remain here for at least another seven days.
Sure, the Zeroes managed to score 21 points last week -- against the Texas Toasts -- but it's worth noting that Calvin Johnson caught a 58-yard Hail Mary pass on the last play of the first half and a 96-yard touchdown in the fourth quarter. That's 14 points that should not have been. Lightning isn't supposed to strike twice, and it sure as hell won't strike a third time for the Lions. Good God, Detroit has become a depressing football wasteland. Seriously, I could swallow a copy of Necessary Roughness and poop a better football team than this. They're so abominable, I want to lash out violently at the world around me. So I'm going to punish you, the reader, with this music video -- starring Scott Bakula! -- from the major motion picture Necessary Roughness.
2. The Seattle Seahawks. Poor Matt Hasselbeck is suffering from a bulging disk in his back that's pinching a nerve and causing weakness in the knee he hyperextended against the Giants three weeks ago...and the Seahawks are doing everything they can to get him back on the field. Uh, listen, Seattle coaching staff: If things like "walking" and "sitting on toilet" are difficult and painful for Hasselbeck, do you really think he should be throwing a football and getting run down by 300-plus pound men? I guess when your team has thrown for a combined 156 yards in two weeks, it's natural for desperation to set in. And hey, if that's the case, I'm sure the Bears would be happy to trade you Rex Grossman...
3. The San Francisco 49ers. After being named interim head coach earlier this week, Mike Singletary released the following statement: "I'm Samurai Mike. I stop 'em cold. Part of the defense, big and bold. I've been jammin' for quite a while, doin' what's right and settin' the style. Give me a chance, I'll rock you good. Nobody messin' in my neighborhood. I didn't come here lookin' for trouble. I just came to do The Super Bowl Shuffle."
Bonus quote: Team owner Jed York, who once stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, shrewdly diagnosed his team's problem: "I think we are getting 'out-intensitied.' I don't think that's a word, but I'm going to use it anyway." Bargleblibberfitz isn't a word either, but I'm going to use it anyway. Bargleblibberfitz!
4. The Dallas Cowboys. Watching the Cowboys slowly fall apart is like having sex for the first time all over again. I'm not even kidding. If the Dallas collapse was a physical thing, I would be dry humping it right now. A special "STIMPY, YOU EEE-DIOT!" goes out to Tony Kornheiser, who was trying to award Dallas the Vince Lombardi Trophy all the way back in Week 2. Good call, Tony. Remind me not to follow your stock tips.
5. The Philadelphia Eagles. According to the Eagles' team report: "The Eagles must get much better production from the tight end position the next 10 weeks if they hope to make a serious Super Bowl run." To which I say: "Hello, Earthlings. I am Rrellegard from the planet Klytaemnestra. I have travelled many zottlepracks -- what you Earth people know as a "light year" -- searching for an answer to this intergalactic question: How could anyone in the seven planes of reality think that tight end production is the missing element of the Eagle's Super Bowl run? ANSWER OR BE VAPORIZED, HUMAN SLUGS!"
6. The Minnesota Vikings. Let's see: 41 points, 439 total yards, and 1 loss.
7. The New Orleans Saints. The Saints learned two things last week: 1) why the Giants were so freaking happy to offload Jeremy Shockey and 2) that "defense" thing? Pretty important. Not that it isn't a barrel of party monkeys watching Drew Brees throw for 350+ yards every week and everything, but that's putting a lot of pressure on Drew and his mole sidekick. And Reggie Bush, the team's Swiss Army Knife, will miss the next three to four weeks after having surgery to repair a torn medial meniscus in his left knee. That's bad news for a team that's only 3-4 and staring up at everybody else in their own division. On the bright side: Less than four months 'till Mardi Gras!
8. The Atlanta Falcons. This upstart team may be the surprise of the year, but while they've improved in many areas, passing defense is not one of them. The Falcons have given up 286, 313 and 294 yards passing in their previous three games. Oh, and look! There's Donovan McNabb, licking his chops as if this Sunday's game was a giant bowl of Chunky soup. IF ONLY THE EAGLES WERE GETTING BETTER TIGHT END PRODUCTION.
Anyway, Falcons coach Mike Smith would like people to stop hounding the team's secondary about all those yards they've been Frenching up (that is, surrendering): "Our passing yardage is not where we'd like it to be, but it's not necessarily totally attributed to the play of the secondary. I think that often times people have snap judgments as to why certain things are happening. You have to always be cognizant of the linebackers' play in pass defense as well as the defensive line." Oh, so it's everybody's fault. Thanks, coach.
9. The St. Louis Rams. This team is hot, hot, hot after back-to-back wins against the Redskins and Cowboys. And -- BANG! POW! ZOK! -- just like that the Rams are in second place in the NFC West. At 2-4. Dear merciful Zeus. And I thought Detroit was a football wasteland. But before you get too excited about the Resurrection Rams, keep in mind that Stephen Jackson -- who has been their only real offensive weapon this season -- suffered a quad injury in the fourth quarter of last week's game against the Dallas. Said QB Marc Bulger: "He was in quite a deal of pain in the locker room after the game, so I’d expect him to be out a couple of weeks." The injury has since been downgraded to a strain, and Jackson is expected to play at New England this week. But after what happened to the Broncos on Monday, this matchup just kinda feels ominous, doesn't it?
10. The Green Bay Packers. Blah, blah, blah, Arron Rodgers drama, blah, blah, blah. Sidenote: Wonder what's going to happen when the weather gets nasty and the Packers have to start running the ball and stuff.
11. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Jeff Garcia's performance against the Seahawks last Sunday -- 26-for-37, 310 yards, and a 47-yard touchdown pass to Antonio Bryant on the Buc's opening drive -- effectively ended the quarterback "controversy" in Tampa. Still, Garcia's offensive explosion against lowly Seattle yielded only 20 points, so you'll excuse me if I remain a tad skeptical. Jeff still feels like a playoff FAIL waiting to happen.
12. The Arizona Cardinals. Dear 'Zona: You must stop sucking on the road. Yours truly, Footbawful.
13. The Chicago Bears. Kyle Orton is leading a high-octane Bears offense that currently ranks third in the NFL in scoring at 28.0 points per game. I know. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But as fun as Mr. Neckbeard's "out of freaking nowhere" rise to elite quarterback status has been, it can't cover up for a defense that gave up 41 points and 439 total yards to the Vikings despite blocking a punt and forcing five turnovers. They are, officially, the Bizarro Bears.
14. The Washington Redskins. That stunning loss to the Rams was followed up by a butt-ugly win over the Brown Stains. Clinton Portis is limping around...and he's not the only one. It's usually a sign when the head coach says "We're wearing down a little bit." Right?
14. The Carolina Panthers. Here's a warning for all upcoming Panther opponents:
After seven games, Carolina ("They're mighty fina!" ranks second in pass defense, allowing only 168.7 yards per game and a mere five passing touchdowns. Last Sunday, they slammed the brakes on the Saints Throwingmobile, holding Drew Brees and his mole sidekick to 104 yards passing in the first three quarters. And that's just the highlight of a well-balanced team. However, as those lopsided losses to Minnesota and Tampa Bay have shown, the wheels can come off pretty quickly. Not sure I'm ready to take a ride on the bandwagon just yet. Keep my seat warm, FutureMrs.
15. The New York Giants. That loss to Cleveland was a little embarrassing, in a "Lindsey Lohan accidentally showing her snatch" kind of way. But they've still sucked the least of anybody in the NFC. So they remain here for at least another seven days.
Labels: NFC, Powerless rankings
Drew Brees. Holy mole-y! (Sorry.) Brees has been near-perfect all season, but he simply couldn't get it together against Julius Peppers and the fearsome Panthers defense on Sunday. He threw an interception (only his 7th of the season) right into the arms of one Kenyatta Cornelius Lucas (yes, that's really his name. Isn't that awesome?) and was just 21-for-39 in passing attempts on the day. Brees still posted 36 more passing yards than his counterpart Jake Delhomme, but Delhomme managed 2 touchdown passes and Brees managed, well, none. Sad for him!
Reggie Bush's knee. Just a day before his team was set to depart for England to meet with the Chargers, Bush injured his beleaguered knee (on a punt return, of all things) towards the end of the first half; it was announced that he will be out for 3-4 weeks. With LT under-performing due to this mysterious "turf toe" ailment (it's like having a green thumb, only instead of making you grow beautiful flowers and fresh tasty vegetables it makes you wither the souls of all those poor schmucks who wasted a 1st-round draft pick on you), I'd say this planned London match-up is going south about as quickly as some famous bridge I hear is also falling down.
Jeremy Shockey. I've been known to be a Shockey apologist in the past, but fie upon him (fie, I say!) for his miserable and, sadly, all-too-characteristic antics on Sunday. Clearly upset following a fumble that led to a TD for hotshot Panthers rookie Jonathan Stewart, Shockey fumed that he felt "60% worse" following the game and blamed his struggles on the way the Saints have handled his injury. Hey, Jeremy: in the real world, people can't just kiss your boo-boos and make them go away. It's on you to communicate your needs like a grown-ass man and conduct yourself as though you were getting paid to keep your body in top condition -- which, come to think of it, you are. Shockey veered from merely self-pitying and into...
Jeremy Shockey, Quote Machine territory when he called his performance "embarrassing because I have a reputation I want to uphold." Really, Jeremy? I'm fairly certain that your reputation is that of "attention whore-ish crybaby and borderline locker room cancer who babies his injuries and then whines at the way his team plays without him." And frankly, Jeremy, I think you're doing an admirable job of upholding THAT reputation.
Saints vs. Steve Smith. Counting yesterday, Panthers wideout Steve Smith has a total of 47 carries for 604 yards and 7 TDs in his last 7 games against New Orleans. Yesterday, Smith eluded double coverage for a 39-yard TD pass from Jake Delhomme. Smith is a good player, obviously, but he just runs circles around this Saints defense. Actually, no. He runs fly routes and post routes around them. Running circles around them would just be silly.
Defense in the NFC North. All told, these four snooze-worthy teams game up a total of 131 points yesterday -- an average of nearly 33 points per game. Special credit, though, is due to colossal underachievers Minnesota and Chicago, whose game alone was responsible for 89 of those points. Way to ruin the curve, Green Bay!
Gus Frerotte. Four. Freaking. Interceptions. There's just no excuse, Gus. Your star running back ran his ass off for 121 rushing yards (!) and 2 touchdowns, and here you are chucking it into the arms of the first Chicago defender to flash you a smile. Get with the program, son! Remember that tubby little mouse in Cinderella who almost gets his friend eaten alive by the cat because he's so busy running around like a dipshit trying to stuff his face with corn? His name was Gus too. So, like, put down the damn corn and come help the Vikings get that dress ready for the ball! Or something.
Vikings special teams. Minny's "special" kids let up 2 TDs on Sunday. The first came when Chris Kluwe dropped a snap, had his punt blocked, and then attempted an illegal kick that was promptly snatched up by Garrett Wolfe and returned 17 yards to the end zone. (The Perfect Storm of special team ineptitude, really. Or "Spineptitude," as I like to call it.) The second came thanks to defensive back Charles Gordon, who was attempting to block Bears rookie Zackary Bowman: the ball hit him, bounced into the end zone, and was recovered by Bowman for another TD. It's like if the 3 Stooges tried to play football, only with less two-fingered eye-poking and more sucking at football.
Watch Three Stooges - Three Little Pigskins in Funny Videos | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com
The Boston Red Sox; any and all affiliated hopes and/or dreams. :(
The San Francisco O-line. Oh man. I warned you that this game would be sack-tacular. But even I couldn't have imagined that hapless 'Niners QB R.J. O'Flannery would get sacked 6 times for a total of 38 yards lost. It's a shame, too -- O'Moynahan certainly outpassed his counterpart Eli Manning, earning 256 gross passing yards on 16 completions (12 of which were for 1st downs). Seriously, though, this O-linehan has more holes in it than a pair of fishnet stockings at a strip club. They better get their game together with a quickness, or Sack Sack O'Sackisack will not be long for this world.
The Cowboys' defense. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you, 2008 NFL Season, for rewarding us each week with at least one upset of such failtacular proportions that the sun itself shines just a little bit brighter in the skies. This week, on Failterpiece Theater: The Dallas D gets lit the fuck up by Marc Bulger's Rams for 34 points -- including 21 in the first quarter alone. Steven Jackson had 25 (!) carries for 160 yards (!!) and 3 TDs (!!!) as the Boys' defenders acted like a bunch of morons playing Madden who pick the damn blitz play every time. 5 sacks on the day is all well and good, Dallas, but not when you're getting made to look like fools by one of the worst teams around.
Brad Johnson. Like Matt Cassel before him, poor Brad is finding out that the Drew Bledsoe effect is a one-way street. It's certainly not fair to pin all the blame for the Cowboys' loss on him, given that the defense was giving it up like a 14-year-old at a Jack Johnson concert, but BJ (ahahaha) was 17-for-34 with 3 INTs and 3 sacks on the day. That was good for a 45.5 passer rating, which still couldn't have felt nearly as bad as getting passed over in favor of Tarvaris Jackson.
The Lions' defense. Sweet Speedy Gonzalez! Not only did this hapless defense (for Christmas, I think I'm going to start a drive to raise some hap for the Lions. Seriously) let the Texans (the freaking Texans, mind you, who are not the kind of team that should be winning back-to-back games) jump out to a 14-point lead in the first quarter (the Lions have been outscored 54-0 in the first quarter so far this season), but they let their undoubtedly thrilled opponents (how are you liking these parenthetical asides so far? I could go on...) control the ball for more than 40 minutes. What's even sadder is that, despite having the ball for less than a third of the game, the Lions still managed to score 21 points... indicating that, were their defense not quite so miserably inept, this Detroit team might actually have pulled out a win and salvaged themselves from their status as Absolute Football Zero. Alas, it was not in the cards.
Seneca Wallace. Seattle's backup QB/wide receiver/hot dog selling guy made his first start in 2 years for the Seahawks and looked nothing short of worthless as he only managed to pass for 73 yards on the night. Sad for him!
The Seahawks' defense. Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse than the Lions' D, here come the C-Hox to let Jeff Garcia and his Bucs hold on to the ball for over 42 minutes. You know, in my keepers league, we have a rule that team owners get penalized for deliberately tanking games. If Seattle were in my league, they'd definitely be under suspicion right now. A 5-year-old kid could play keep-away with these dummies.
****************SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT EDITION: FOOTBAWESOME!****************
Yes, I made my first pilgrimage EVER to Gillette Stadium last night to see my beloved Patriots stomp all over the hapless Denver defense (seriously, there must be a league shortage of hap) and join in the cheering as Andre Tippet (!) was honored at halftime. I won't say that I went totally nuts with my outfit, but I will share the following picture this you:
It's fitting that, on this wonderful night, I not only got to see my team win (!!!), but was treated to some of the bawfulest bawful that ever bawffed. Muchas gracias, Denverinos! On to:
The Broncos' defense. Unlike the Lions and Seahawks games, the issue here wasn't letting the other team control the ball. It was, well, everything else. Matt Cassel looked positively Brady-like as he completed 18 of 24 for 185 yards and 3 (!) TDs, the Patriots mysteriously discovered something called a "running game" (whatever that is) and rushed for 257 yards on the night, Randy Moss came back to life... and these Broncos weren't doing a damn thing about it. They weren't able to force a single turnover on the night. We've all known, mind you, that Denver's defense has more gaps than a hockey player's smile, but seriously? New England hasn't run the ball since like 1999. What's your excuse, Denver?
Jay Cutler. As though to add insult to injury, not only did the Broncos find a way to help Matt Cassel channel his inner Drew Brees, but Jay Cutler simultaneously elected to channel his inner Gus Frerotte, chucking up 2 INTs to a New England defense that many had left for dead following last weekend's whomping at the hands of the Chargers.
Matt Cassel, [Boring] Quote Machine. In what I can only assume was a nod to the hours of PBS he undoubtedly spent watching as a kid, Cassel mused, "I'd like to think that I continue to grow each and every week" following the game. I think they used to end every episode of Reading Rainbow with that very line. Later, he let fly an "Oh goodness!" when commenting on his team's spectacular rushing performance. Seriously, it's like Anne of Green Gables gave a press conference to read from her diary. Outspoken players have always been frowned upon under the Belichick regime, but this is borderline ridiculous. Someone get this kid a personality!
OH GOODIE!
Reggie Bush's knee. Just a day before his team was set to depart for England to meet with the Chargers, Bush injured his beleaguered knee (on a punt return, of all things) towards the end of the first half; it was announced that he will be out for 3-4 weeks. With LT under-performing due to this mysterious "turf toe" ailment (it's like having a green thumb, only instead of making you grow beautiful flowers and fresh tasty vegetables it makes you wither the souls of all those poor schmucks who wasted a 1st-round draft pick on you), I'd say this planned London match-up is going south about as quickly as some famous bridge I hear is also falling down.
Jeremy Shockey. I've been known to be a Shockey apologist in the past, but fie upon him (fie, I say!) for his miserable and, sadly, all-too-characteristic antics on Sunday. Clearly upset following a fumble that led to a TD for hotshot Panthers rookie Jonathan Stewart, Shockey fumed that he felt "60% worse" following the game and blamed his struggles on the way the Saints have handled his injury. Hey, Jeremy: in the real world, people can't just kiss your boo-boos and make them go away. It's on you to communicate your needs like a grown-ass man and conduct yourself as though you were getting paid to keep your body in top condition -- which, come to think of it, you are. Shockey veered from merely self-pitying and into...
Jeremy Shockey, Quote Machine territory when he called his performance "embarrassing because I have a reputation I want to uphold." Really, Jeremy? I'm fairly certain that your reputation is that of "attention whore-ish crybaby and borderline locker room cancer who babies his injuries and then whines at the way his team plays without him." And frankly, Jeremy, I think you're doing an admirable job of upholding THAT reputation.
Saints vs. Steve Smith. Counting yesterday, Panthers wideout Steve Smith has a total of 47 carries for 604 yards and 7 TDs in his last 7 games against New Orleans. Yesterday, Smith eluded double coverage for a 39-yard TD pass from Jake Delhomme. Smith is a good player, obviously, but he just runs circles around this Saints defense. Actually, no. He runs fly routes and post routes around them. Running circles around them would just be silly.
Defense in the NFC North. All told, these four snooze-worthy teams game up a total of 131 points yesterday -- an average of nearly 33 points per game. Special credit, though, is due to colossal underachievers Minnesota and Chicago, whose game alone was responsible for 89 of those points. Way to ruin the curve, Green Bay!
Gus Frerotte. Four. Freaking. Interceptions. There's just no excuse, Gus. Your star running back ran his ass off for 121 rushing yards (!) and 2 touchdowns, and here you are chucking it into the arms of the first Chicago defender to flash you a smile. Get with the program, son! Remember that tubby little mouse in Cinderella who almost gets his friend eaten alive by the cat because he's so busy running around like a dipshit trying to stuff his face with corn? His name was Gus too. So, like, put down the damn corn and come help the Vikings get that dress ready for the ball! Or something.
Vikings special teams. Minny's "special" kids let up 2 TDs on Sunday. The first came when Chris Kluwe dropped a snap, had his punt blocked, and then attempted an illegal kick that was promptly snatched up by Garrett Wolfe and returned 17 yards to the end zone. (The Perfect Storm of special team ineptitude, really. Or "Spineptitude," as I like to call it.) The second came thanks to defensive back Charles Gordon, who was attempting to block Bears rookie Zackary Bowman: the ball hit him, bounced into the end zone, and was recovered by Bowman for another TD. It's like if the 3 Stooges tried to play football, only with less two-fingered eye-poking and more sucking at football.
Watch Three Stooges - Three Little Pigskins in Funny Videos | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com
The Boston Red Sox; any and all affiliated hopes and/or dreams. :(
The San Francisco O-line. Oh man. I warned you that this game would be sack-tacular. But even I couldn't have imagined that hapless 'Niners QB R.J. O'Flannery would get sacked 6 times for a total of 38 yards lost. It's a shame, too -- O'Moynahan certainly outpassed his counterpart Eli Manning, earning 256 gross passing yards on 16 completions (12 of which were for 1st downs). Seriously, though, this O-linehan has more holes in it than a pair of fishnet stockings at a strip club. They better get their game together with a quickness, or Sack Sack O'Sackisack will not be long for this world.
The Cowboys' defense. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you, 2008 NFL Season, for rewarding us each week with at least one upset of such failtacular proportions that the sun itself shines just a little bit brighter in the skies. This week, on Failterpiece Theater: The Dallas D gets lit the fuck up by Marc Bulger's Rams for 34 points -- including 21 in the first quarter alone. Steven Jackson had 25 (!) carries for 160 yards (!!) and 3 TDs (!!!) as the Boys' defenders acted like a bunch of morons playing Madden who pick the damn blitz play every time. 5 sacks on the day is all well and good, Dallas, but not when you're getting made to look like fools by one of the worst teams around.
Brad Johnson. Like Matt Cassel before him, poor Brad is finding out that the Drew Bledsoe effect is a one-way street. It's certainly not fair to pin all the blame for the Cowboys' loss on him, given that the defense was giving it up like a 14-year-old at a Jack Johnson concert, but BJ (ahahaha) was 17-for-34 with 3 INTs and 3 sacks on the day. That was good for a 45.5 passer rating, which still couldn't have felt nearly as bad as getting passed over in favor of Tarvaris Jackson.
The Lions' defense. Sweet Speedy Gonzalez! Not only did this hapless defense (for Christmas, I think I'm going to start a drive to raise some hap for the Lions. Seriously) let the Texans (the freaking Texans, mind you, who are not the kind of team that should be winning back-to-back games) jump out to a 14-point lead in the first quarter (the Lions have been outscored 54-0 in the first quarter so far this season), but they let their undoubtedly thrilled opponents (how are you liking these parenthetical asides so far? I could go on...) control the ball for more than 40 minutes. What's even sadder is that, despite having the ball for less than a third of the game, the Lions still managed to score 21 points... indicating that, were their defense not quite so miserably inept, this Detroit team might actually have pulled out a win and salvaged themselves from their status as Absolute Football Zero. Alas, it was not in the cards.
Seneca Wallace. Seattle's backup QB/wide receiver/hot dog selling guy made his first start in 2 years for the Seahawks and looked nothing short of worthless as he only managed to pass for 73 yards on the night. Sad for him!
The Seahawks' defense. Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse than the Lions' D, here come the C-Hox to let Jeff Garcia and his Bucs hold on to the ball for over 42 minutes. You know, in my keepers league, we have a rule that team owners get penalized for deliberately tanking games. If Seattle were in my league, they'd definitely be under suspicion right now. A 5-year-old kid could play keep-away with these dummies.
Yes, I made my first pilgrimage EVER to Gillette Stadium last night to see my beloved Patriots stomp all over the hapless Denver defense (seriously, there must be a league shortage of hap) and join in the cheering as Andre Tippet (!) was honored at halftime. I won't say that I went totally nuts with my outfit, but I will share the following picture this you:
It's fitting that, on this wonderful night, I not only got to see my team win (!!!), but was treated to some of the bawfulest bawful that ever bawffed. Muchas gracias, Denverinos! On to:
The Broncos' defense. Unlike the Lions and Seahawks games, the issue here wasn't letting the other team control the ball. It was, well, everything else. Matt Cassel looked positively Brady-like as he completed 18 of 24 for 185 yards and 3 (!) TDs, the Patriots mysteriously discovered something called a "running game" (whatever that is) and rushed for 257 yards on the night, Randy Moss came back to life... and these Broncos weren't doing a damn thing about it. They weren't able to force a single turnover on the night. We've all known, mind you, that Denver's defense has more gaps than a hockey player's smile, but seriously? New England hasn't run the ball since like 1999. What's your excuse, Denver?
Jay Cutler. As though to add insult to injury, not only did the Broncos find a way to help Matt Cassel channel his inner Drew Brees, but Jay Cutler simultaneously elected to channel his inner Gus Frerotte, chucking up 2 INTs to a New England defense that many had left for dead following last weekend's whomping at the hands of the Chargers.
Matt Cassel, [Boring] Quote Machine. In what I can only assume was a nod to the hours of PBS he undoubtedly spent watching as a kid, Cassel mused, "I'd like to think that I continue to grow each and every week" following the game. I think they used to end every episode of Reading Rainbow with that very line. Later, he let fly an "Oh goodness!" when commenting on his team's spectacular rushing performance. Seriously, it's like Anne of Green Gables gave a press conference to read from her diary. Outspoken players have always been frowned upon under the Belichick regime, but this is borderline ridiculous. Someone get this kid a personality!
Labels: FOOTBAWESOME, NFC, using Disney movies to explain football, Worst of Monday Night Football, Worst of the Weekend
Word of the Day
Previous Posts
The AFC divisional playoffs: Duck and coverThe NFC Divisional Playoffs: A Tale in Two Acts
Worst of the Final Weekend (of the regular season)
Panthers/Giants: Hot Live Action!
Weekend Worsties: Awful Football Conference
The NFC's weekend pooperpalooza
Weekend crapercize: AFC bawfulness
NFC Week 13: The Search for Redemption
The Black Friday Bowl of Bawful
Pigskin on Turkey Day: Your All-Vegan Live Post
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