"Fire! Fire from the sky! It must be Kurt Warner!"
The Carolina Panther's pass defense: Well, I feel about as stupid as those Oklahoma idiots who decided to play "chicken" with a cop. After spending last week bragging up the power of the Panther's awesome pass defense, I watched old man Warner destroy them the way his God demolished Sodom and Gomorrah: With pure fire and lightning, baby. Kurt completed 71 percent of his passes (35-for-49) en route to 381 yards and 2 touchdowns. And it's not like the Cardinals were setting up the pass with their stellar running game: Edge James rushed 7 times for 17 yards and Time Hightower had 6 attempts for only 3 yards. In the end, Carolina won the shootout, but only because Arizona, true to form, bungled the game way...

The Arizona Cardinals: You know I have to say it: The Cardinals are indeed who we thought they were. After building a surprising two-touchdown lead in the first half, the Cards spit in the face of prosperity by committing a handful of critical failures. First, late in the second quarter, coach Ken Whisenhunt decided to fake a 39-yard field goal attempt. On fourth-and-14. The play came up four yards short of a first down, so Arizona lost the ball and an opportunity for a pretty sure score. Then, early in the third quarter, James lost a fumble that gave the Panthers a shortened field and set up a game-tying TD pass by Delhomme. Warner responded on 'Zona's next possession by hitting Anquan Boldin for a two-yard touchdown, but Dirk Johnson bumbled the hold on the extra point, leaving Arizona with a 23-17 lead late in the third. (Note: That's four points the Cardinals gave up. This will be important later.) After a Delhomme-to-Smith TD gave Carolina a 24-23 lead, Warner was picked off near the goal line and the turnover was eventually translated into a Carolina field goal that accounted for the final score of 27-23. You guessed it: A FOUR POINT MARGIN OF VICTORY. You can't make this stuff up.

The moral of this story: Don't bet on Arizona on the road. Just. Don't. Do it.

Ken Whisenhunt, quote machine: Regarding his decision to go for it on freaking fourth-and-14 instead of just kicking a field goal and extending a double-digit lead on the road: "Maybe that was a little bit long to run that field goal fake." Brilliant deduction, coach.


Jake Delhomme's amazing man-crush: I had no idea Jake was so in love with Kurt Warner. Regading their pregame chit-chat, Delhomme said: "Talked to him a good while before the game. Didn't get to talk to him after. I would have probably asked him for his autograph." Then: "It's hard for me to watch our defense play because we're going over stuff, looking at pictures, but I caught myself watching him today. I'm proud of him." That's some serious love that dare not speak its name. I'm sorry to report, though, that Kurt's already spoken for. But don't worry. If the world's heaviest man can find love, so can you, Jake. So can you!

"You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. BEEFCAKE!"

Bucs versus 'Boys: The final score was 13-9. I will now rip out my own eyes and set them on fire. Damn them for letting me watch this abomination.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneer "air show": Wow. Jeff Garcia threw 44 times yesterday. That was the plan? Seriously?! Hey, coach Gruden. Time for a new plan.

Brad Johnson, quote machine: BJ played the role of "game manager" to slow-and-steady-wins-the-race perfection yesterday, completing 19 passes for 122 yards. Boo if you must -- the Dallas fans sure did -- but that 3.7 yards-per-pass average was good enough for the win. And the Cowboys haven't been getting a lot of those lately, so don't expect any apologies from Brad. "We knew going in it was going to be an ugly game at times. Third-and-long, check it down, let them boo you -- that's OK by me. You’ve just got to manage the game." You tell 'em, Brad. And, really, it's our own fault. We should be teaching the youth of America to admire game managers, not game makers.

The Detroit Zeroes: Ford Field didn't sell out for the first time since it opened in 2002, and the fans not in attendence missed out on seeing their team scrap their usual "fall behind early and never recover" strategy to employ the slightly more depressing "take an early lead and hang onto it only to miserably fail at the end." I, for one, appreciate seeing Detroit fail in new and different ways. Although it's worth noting that they're still spreading their hoochies for opposing QBs: Jason Campbell was 23-of-28 for a season-high 328 yards with a touchdown and a career-high 127.4 passer rating, surpassing his previous career-high (established last year...against the Lions). Detroit has now allowed six of the seven quarterbacks they've faced this season set a career-high passer rating against them. They also watched Santana Moss catch a season-high nine passes for 140 yards, including a 50-yard TD that put the 'Skins ahead late in the third quarter. Moss also returned a punt 80 yards for a touchdown. It was the first time Moss had acheived the feat since 2002. Oh, and Clinton Portis ran for 126 yards. The point, in case you missed it, is that if somebody on your fantasy team is facing Detroit this week, START HIM. Even if he dies mid-week, start him. The Zeroes are resurrecting everybody.

Chargers versus Saints: If you're a fan of shootouts, this game was for you. But I thought of this game as The Day That Defense Died. But who knows? Maybe that was all part of the plan. Said Chargers defensive end Luis Castillo: "I thought it was what the fans here wanted to see. I thought they wanted a high-scoring game. I thought they wanted to see the ball being thrown. I thought they wanted to see amazing athletes making amazing plays, and that's what they got." Amazing athletes making amazing plays? Sure. On one side of the ball, anyway.

Drew Brees, liar, liar, pants on fire: Regarding his team's win over the team that once spurned him: "This game was not about me proving a point or proving anybody wrong or saying they shouldn't have let me go. We beat a very good team today that needed a victory as badly as we did." I very nearly let this one go until he made the "We beat a very good team..." comment. That's when I knew he was screwing with us.

Michael Turner: His feast-for-famine season continues. Yesterday's numbers: 17 rushes for 58 yards, no TDs. And several thousand fantasy football team losses.

Andy Reid, quote machine: Regarding Brian Westbrook, who returned yesterday to rush for 167 yards and 2 TDs, the coach said: "He was dialed up." Memo to coach Reid: Stop trying to sound cool. You're fooling exactly nobody.

San Francisco 49ers: Gak. These guys were so bad I thought new coach Mike Singletary was going to burst a vein during the game. Samuri Mike benched J.T. O'Sucksville after he got sacked thrice, fumbled twice and threw an interception on fourth down. Then he yanked tight end Vernon Davis for slapping a Seattle player's helmet, chewed the kid out on the sidelines, then sent him to the locker room. He probably wanted to launch the defensive line into space after Leonard "The Chunk Master" Weaver caught a couple short passes and shambled his fat butt downfield for TDs of 62 and 43 yards. But, since Singletary doesn't have access to NASA equipment, he was left to beg pardon from the Niner faithful for the team's pathetic suckage. Before he went into the locker room, he removed his hat and spoke to the fans above the tunnel, saying: "I apologize. I apologize to you guys." Good times, gooooooood times.

"We're number one! At sucking!
The Steelers' offensive line: What did Ben Roethlisberger do to piss them off? Sleep with all their girlfriends and baby mamas? Refuse to add them as friends on his Facebook page? Leave dismembered skunk parts in their lockers? Whatever happened, Roethlisberger got sacked five times yesterday, bringing his season total to 23. I'm half expecting them to buy him a new motorcycle for Christmas. Oh, and speaking of Big Ben...

Ben Roethlisberger: At least part of the reason this dude keeps getting sacked is because he stands in the pocket death-gripping the ball like it's an infant he's scared to drop. Do that for the 10 seconds or so and you're gonna get hit. And in addition to all those sacks, he also tossed four picks. Man, Ben, if you're that determined to help the other team out, why not just hand over your playbook or set the locker room on fire?

Lack of foresight: Steelers long snapper Greg Warren suffered a season-ending knee injury on his final snap of the third quarter. (I never realized snapping was such a dangerous occupation.) Anyway, this injury would prove to be Pittsburgh's undoing late in the game when, on fourth-and-22 from its 18, Steelers substitute snapper James Harrison -- who had never snapped in a game in high school or college, much less the NFL -- fired his first snap over the head of punter Mitch Berger and out of the end zone for a safety. That tied the score at 14-14.

Oh, but it gets worse. Berger injured his hamstring in the second quarter. After the safety, he had to launch a free kick from the Steelers' 20. It traveled only 49 yards and set the Giants up near midfield. From there, Eli led New York on its only touchdown drive of the game. The winning drive, as it turned out.

According to Steelers coach Mike Tomlin: "Nobody has two deep snappers. The best you have after that is an emergency snapper. We identified James as our leading candidate. James Farrior was next." Yeah, how'd that work out for you, coach?

Labels: Arizona Cardinals, Brad Johnson, Carolina Panthers, Jake Delhomme, Kurt Warner

Falcons fans. Scary.
Panthers over Falcons: The Falcons have looked amazing this season. At home. Against the Lions and Chiefs. On the road against Tampa? Not so much. Michael Turner -- who leads the NFL in rushing with 366 yards and 5 touchdowns -- gained 42 yards on 14 attempts against the Bucs, and Matt Ryan completed only 13 of his 33 passes for 158 yards and two interceptions. But you know what? Those are nothing but meaningful numbers. Forget them and listen to my gut. It's saying, "This is Jake Delhomme's comeback week. Take the Panthers. Now get me some Taco Bell, stat."

futuremrsrickankiel sez: The NFC South is shaping up to be one of the toughest divisions in the league this year, and this epic battle of So White It Pains Me quarterbacks may turn out to be indicative of who holds on down the stretch. Here's a hint: It's going to be the Panthers. Jake Delhomme may fluctuate wildly between atrocious and mediocre, but he's got so many more options on offense than Matt Ryan that it really doesn't seem fair. Ooh ooh, but the Falcons have Roddy White! Yeah, and I've got a half-eaten bagel. Wanna trade?

Saints over 49ers: If you're a fan of defenseless shootouts, this game is for you. I bet Mike Martz has been walking funny all week, what with the giant, throbbing erection he's probably sporting. By the way, Mike, men experiencing an erection lasting longer than four hours may die of Elevated Penis Syndrome. Just thought you should know. Sidenote: This may be the week that J.T. O'Sullivan's fantasy stock goes through the roof. My advice: Buy low, sell high.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: I'll be frank: I don't have balls. I'm a chick. However, picking the 'Niners to win this is as close as I'll come this week. (I'm on the waiting list at a clinic in Thailand, but airfare is just so EXPENSIVE these days.) It's not so much that I think San Francisco is a better team as it is that I think the Saints simply excel at finding ways to lose. Blame Martin Gramatica for last week all you want, but the truth is that if he hadn't stepped up, someone else would have. Should you desire mathematical proof:

SFO = Frank Gore
NO = Reggie Bush
Frank Gore = monster
Reggie Bush = little bitch
monster > little bitch
SFO > NO

Jets over Cardinals: I'm officially instituting a "Don't take the Cardinals on the road rule" until they win two road games in a row. Which is essentially the same as saying "forever and ever and ever until infinity times two." Still, there's just enough offensive and defensive ineptitude between these two teams to make this a pretty exciting game. If they don't combine for 60-70 points and half a dozen turnovers, I'll be very sad. Which will be a familiar feeling while watching these teams play.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Again: Do not write Brett Favre off just because it's easy. I say J-E-T-S all day, as much as I wanted to like the Cards this season. Also, please note that even if the combined score is 70, it still won't be as high as the combined age of these two starting QBs.

Packers over Buccaneers: After watching Brian Griese machine-gun the Bears with 67 pass attempts last Sunday, I became a believer. But my belief is that the Bucs are in big trouble, because that is not a formula for success. Neither is drowning during your own publicity stunt, for that matter. Memo to Ryan Grant: You are absolutely killing fantasy teams across the country. That is all.

futuremrsrickankiel sez:While I am 100% sure that Griese will not continue to be as awesome as he was against the Bears last week, I'm, like, 110% sure that the Green Bay secondary is a total mess and will do nothing to stop the Bucs' passing game. Note to self: Start Ike Hilliard.

Cowboys over Redskins: It's a modern day game of Cowboys and Injuns. And we all know how that turned out, don't we? [shudders] Meanwhile, there's only been three weeks of NFL action and yet the 'Boys are looking ahead. Way ahead. To January. According to defensive tackle Tank Johnson: "We're slowly starting to jell and that's huge as we get farther along in the season. That's what the regular season is for, jellin' for the postseason." Hey, Tank. I'm jellin'. Are you jellin'? P.S. There are 13 regular season games left. Slow down and enjoy the ride. And, uh, don't shoot.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Dallas demonstrated decisively (damn!) last week that if you shut down their passing game, they'll just let MBIII and Felix Jones go freak-nasty on your ass and mop the floor with you anyway. Washington's defense is good, yes, but their offense is far too dependent on Santana Moss for me to think they'll pull this one out. Just... something about the whole "injury-prone midget" thing makes me nervous, you know?

Eagles over Bears: Do you suppose Kyle Orton has been wetting his bed all week? I would be if I were him, based on what the Philly defense did to Ben Roethlisberger last week. He's probably been jumping at shadows wherever he goes. Kind of like, well, the people who work with Terry Tate...


futuremrsrickankiel sez: Darling, I know you're going to get your knickers all up in a knot about this pick, but Brian Westbrook and Donovan McNabb are both questionable for this weekend and surely won't be playing their best even if they do play. It's all in your hands, DeSean! And we all know what that means.


Bills over Rams: The Trent Green Era: Part II begins this weekend in St. Lous, and it's giving me a serious case of the cold chills. Mostly because we might actually see Green get killed on live TV. This man has a history. A bad history. What's Scott Linehan thinking?! I mean, the way the Rams' offensive line has been playing, that's like covering a man in chum and dropping him into the middle of a feeding frenzy without a cage or even one of those mesh anti-shark suits. I hope Trent's family has a eulogy ready, that's all I'm saying.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Oh, FINE. But if the Bills win the AFC East, I am quitting this website.

Basketbawful's Week 3 Record: 12-4

Labels: Arizona Cardinals, Buffalo Bills, Chicago Bears, Dallas Cowboys, Green Bay Packers, New York Jets, NFC picks, Philadelphia Eagles, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Bucaneers, Washington Redskins