Falcons fans. Scary.
Panthers over Falcons: The Falcons have looked amazing this season. At home. Against the Lions and Chiefs. On the road against Tampa? Not so much. Michael Turner -- who leads the NFL in rushing with 366 yards and 5 touchdowns -- gained 42 yards on 14 attempts against the Bucs, and Matt Ryan completed only 13 of his 33 passes for 158 yards and two interceptions. But you know what? Those are nothing but meaningful numbers. Forget them and listen to my gut. It's saying, "This is Jake Delhomme's comeback week. Take the Panthers. Now get me some Taco Bell, stat."

futuremrsrickankiel sez: The NFC South is shaping up to be one of the toughest divisions in the league this year, and this epic battle of So White It Pains Me quarterbacks may turn out to be indicative of who holds on down the stretch. Here's a hint: It's going to be the Panthers. Jake Delhomme may fluctuate wildly between atrocious and mediocre, but he's got so many more options on offense than Matt Ryan that it really doesn't seem fair. Ooh ooh, but the Falcons have Roddy White! Yeah, and I've got a half-eaten bagel. Wanna trade?

Saints over 49ers: If you're a fan of defenseless shootouts, this game is for you. I bet Mike Martz has been walking funny all week, what with the giant, throbbing erection he's probably sporting. By the way, Mike, men experiencing an erection lasting longer than four hours may die of Elevated Penis Syndrome. Just thought you should know. Sidenote: This may be the week that J.T. O'Sullivan's fantasy stock goes through the roof. My advice: Buy low, sell high.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: I'll be frank: I don't have balls. I'm a chick. However, picking the 'Niners to win this is as close as I'll come this week. (I'm on the waiting list at a clinic in Thailand, but airfare is just so EXPENSIVE these days.) It's not so much that I think San Francisco is a better team as it is that I think the Saints simply excel at finding ways to lose. Blame Martin Gramatica for last week all you want, but the truth is that if he hadn't stepped up, someone else would have. Should you desire mathematical proof:

SFO = Frank Gore
NO = Reggie Bush
Frank Gore = monster
Reggie Bush = little bitch
monster > little bitch
SFO > NO

Jets over Cardinals: I'm officially instituting a "Don't take the Cardinals on the road rule" until they win two road games in a row. Which is essentially the same as saying "forever and ever and ever until infinity times two." Still, there's just enough offensive and defensive ineptitude between these two teams to make this a pretty exciting game. If they don't combine for 60-70 points and half a dozen turnovers, I'll be very sad. Which will be a familiar feeling while watching these teams play.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Again: Do not write Brett Favre off just because it's easy. I say J-E-T-S all day, as much as I wanted to like the Cards this season. Also, please note that even if the combined score is 70, it still won't be as high as the combined age of these two starting QBs.

Packers over Buccaneers: After watching Brian Griese machine-gun the Bears with 67 pass attempts last Sunday, I became a believer. But my belief is that the Bucs are in big trouble, because that is not a formula for success. Neither is drowning during your own publicity stunt, for that matter. Memo to Ryan Grant: You are absolutely killing fantasy teams across the country. That is all.

futuremrsrickankiel sez:While I am 100% sure that Griese will not continue to be as awesome as he was against the Bears last week, I'm, like, 110% sure that the Green Bay secondary is a total mess and will do nothing to stop the Bucs' passing game. Note to self: Start Ike Hilliard.

Cowboys over Redskins: It's a modern day game of Cowboys and Injuns. And we all know how that turned out, don't we? [shudders] Meanwhile, there's only been three weeks of NFL action and yet the 'Boys are looking ahead. Way ahead. To January. According to defensive tackle Tank Johnson: "We're slowly starting to jell and that's huge as we get farther along in the season. That's what the regular season is for, jellin' for the postseason." Hey, Tank. I'm jellin'. Are you jellin'? P.S. There are 13 regular season games left. Slow down and enjoy the ride. And, uh, don't shoot.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Dallas demonstrated decisively (damn!) last week that if you shut down their passing game, they'll just let MBIII and Felix Jones go freak-nasty on your ass and mop the floor with you anyway. Washington's defense is good, yes, but their offense is far too dependent on Santana Moss for me to think they'll pull this one out. Just... something about the whole "injury-prone midget" thing makes me nervous, you know?

Eagles over Bears: Do you suppose Kyle Orton has been wetting his bed all week? I would be if I were him, based on what the Philly defense did to Ben Roethlisberger last week. He's probably been jumping at shadows wherever he goes. Kind of like, well, the people who work with Terry Tate...


futuremrsrickankiel sez: Darling, I know you're going to get your knickers all up in a knot about this pick, but Brian Westbrook and Donovan McNabb are both questionable for this weekend and surely won't be playing their best even if they do play. It's all in your hands, DeSean! And we all know what that means.


Bills over Rams: The Trent Green Era: Part II begins this weekend in St. Lous, and it's giving me a serious case of the cold chills. Mostly because we might actually see Green get killed on live TV. This man has a history. A bad history. What's Scott Linehan thinking?! I mean, the way the Rams' offensive line has been playing, that's like covering a man in chum and dropping him into the middle of a feeding frenzy without a cage or even one of those mesh anti-shark suits. I hope Trent's family has a eulogy ready, that's all I'm saying.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Oh, FINE. But if the Bills win the AFC East, I am quitting this website.

Basketbawful's Week 3 Record: 12-4

Labels: Arizona Cardinals, Buffalo Bills, Chicago Bears, Dallas Cowboys, Green Bay Packers, New York Jets, NFC picks, Philadelphia Eagles, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Bucaneers, Washington Redskins

alligator arms (al'-uh-gat'-uhr armz) noun. Describes those situations in which a wide receiver extends his arms timidly -- far less than full length -- because he sees an approaching defensive player or senses that he is about to be hit. Presumably, the player hopes that the halfhearted "catch attempt" will fool his coaches and teammates into believing he genuinely went after the ball. However, alligator arms fool no one and usually lead to extreme (and deserved) mockery.

Usage example: Todd Pinkston's career was defined by his infamous alligator arms.

Word trivia: Philadelphia Eagles fans probably haven't yet forgotten Todd Pinkston, who spent five moderately successful seasons with the team (2000-2004), catching 184 passes for 2,816 yards and 14 touchdowns. He was known for his ability to make big plays, but he was even more well known for aversion to contact. Any contact. To the point where I started to wonder whether he spent family holidays in a plastic bubble or else locked away in a panic room. This phobia for the touchy-feely led ESPN's Michael Irvin to dub him "Todd Stinkston," and it probably says something about Pinkston that the nickname stuck.

The absolute nadir of Pinkston's career occurred on December 12, 2004 in a MNF game against the Washington Redskins. Despite the fact that he had three catches for a team-high 99 yards, Pinkston was blasted for giving up on a catchable pass. And I mean "giving up" in a way that would make the French military blush in their bloomers. Pinkston claimed he lost the ball in the lights, but nobody -- not even Mama Pinkston -- believed him. And rightly so. Let's watch:


In case you're at work and have to keep the volume down, here's a full transcript of the play-by-play. Unfortunately, the written word cannot due justice to the broadcasters' outrage.

Mike Patrick: "Play action by McNabb, plenty of time, throwing down the middle, and Pinkston..."

Group: "Ohhhhh, unbelievable, uhhhhhh!"

Mike Patrick: "I don't know what happened on that play, Pinkston turned his shoulder away from it and didn't go after the ball!"

Joe Theismann: "You've heard of alligator arms; this is alligator body. Todd Pinkston has got a touchdown. Watch this! He now sees the safety coming from the left, that ball's in the air, he just, he does not want to get hit..."

Mike Patrick: "Holy cow."

Joe Theismann: "He, Ryan Clark, he sees Ryan Clark. This is a great way to lose your job as a receiver in the National Football League."

Mike Patrick: "That's unbelievable."

Joe Theismann -- who once said "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -- is a complete douchebag, but I loved how he accused Pinkston of having an "alligator body." I only wish it was true, because then he could have used his large, muscular tail to batter Theismann to death. But I guess if this had happened to me, I'd be a cynical bastard too. Wait. I'm already a cynical bastard. Never mind, then.

Anyway, Pinkston's exploits made him the object of scorn nationwide, leading to this Pass To Pinky video game (in which the player throws passes to Pinkston, who either ducks or drops them) and this satrical article titled Todd Pinkston breaking barriers as NFL's first woman. Oh, and if you do a Google search for "Todd Pinkston" and "Alligator Arms"...well, let's just say you get a few results.

Update! Thanks to DDC for reminding me that, during Super Bowl XXXIX, Pinkston left the biggest game of his life during the third quarter due to...leg cramps. Or, as Theismann would probably say, "alligator legs."

Labels: Joe Theismann, Philadelphia Eagles, Todd Pinkston, Word of the Day