Falcons over Broncos: "We are sticking together as a team," Denver linebacker Louis Green said earlier this week. "There is no 'offense' or 'defense' -- we are a team." Of course, Green was only half right: There is no defense in Denver. Or, as I like to think of them, Enver. And their offense, due to injuries, has become entirely one-dimensional. Their running back situation is so dire they had to pull Alex Haynes and Tatum Bell off the waiver wire...which would be a suicide move for a fantasy squad, let alone an NFL team.

Meanwhile, the Falcons are balanced on both sides of the ball and really tough at home. Denver is okay on the road, I guess, if you can take anything from their two wins away from home...against the Raiders and Browns. And they lost to the Chiefs in Kansas City. Need I say more?


Giants over Ravens: Both teams are going for their fifth straight win. Only one of them will get it. I'm betting my custom Eli-4-Ever bed sheets on New York. I mean, look at the teams the Ravens have beaten on their four-game winning streak: Miami, Oakland, Cleveland and Houston. Really, those should only count as one win, or maybe 1.5. Before that, the black birds played three tough teams -- the Steelers, Titans and Colts -- and lost to them all. And their other two wins were against the Sad Tigers and Browns. So, you know, I'm not a believer.


Fun fact: Eli Manning had the worst game of his career -- and that's saying something -- against the Ravens on December 12, 2004. He was 4-of-18 for a career-low 27 yards with two interceptions as the Giants lost 37-14.

Panthers over Lions Zeroes: Bwahahahaha! I'm not even gonna try to justify this one. Detroit winning would be about as impossible as Jesus riding a dinosaur...


Oh. Well. Never mind, then.

Sad fact #1: The Zeroes are 0-9 and are losing by an average of 14 PPG.

Happy fact: They had a recent four-game streak (against the Vikings, Texans, Redskins and Bears) where they lost by only 5.3 PPG. Improvement!

Sad fact #2: They lost by 24 to the previously slumping Jaguars last weekend.

"I feel sick in my stomach," Detroit's rookie running back Kevin Smith said earlier this week. Get used to it, kid.

Packers over Bears: "I can't wait for the day when Kyle says he is ready," Chicago coach Lovie Smith said recently. Which is how you'd expect him to feel when his only other option is Rex Grossman. Still, the choices aren't good: Sexy Rexy or a rushed-back-to-soon-out-of-panic Kyle Orton. Seems like the Bears offense is destined to struggle either way.

Speaking of struggling, their pass defense is in serious need of...something. Anything. Tennessee's Kerry Collins, Detroit's Dan Orlovsky and Minnesota's Gus Frerotte have combined to throw for 879 yards and six touchdowns in the Bears' last three games. If the Bears can transform Collins/Orlovsky/Frerotte into Johnny Unitas, what are they going to turn Aaron Rodgers into...some sort of Super Jesus?!


Hm. Maybe I'd better stop making Jesus jokes before I get struck by lightning.

Buccaneers over Vikings: Adrian Peterson -- a MAN-type man among boys -- has averaged 140.1 rushing yards over the last four. Here's the "yeah, but...": Three of the opponents he faced during that stretch (the Lions, Texans and Packers) rank in the NFL's bottom 10 in run defense and two are among the bottom five (the Lions and Packers).

Tampa Bay, meanwhile, ranks 11th against the run (99.3 YPG). And they're even better at home (69.0 YPG in four games). The Bucs are 4-0 in those contests, during which they've held opponents to 10.8 points and 218.3 total yards.

The Vikings are only explosive on offense when AP is running against bad Ds or Frerotte is throwing against the Bears. But in the battle of Pirates versus Vikings, I see a lot of dead vikings.

"Eek! I'm dead!"
Fun fact: Last Sunday, Fox Sports reporter Pam Oliver told Troy Aikman that Frerotte was tuned out by offensive teammates as he tried to encourage them. "Before the Vikings' offense took the field, Gus Frerotte tried to round up his guys and tried to give them a pep talk. But I noticed that only two people bothered to listen," she said. "Frerotte has refused to get down on himself because of his mistakes. But I can see a few of his offensive teammates are starting to show frustration at the way the offense has stalled."

Tuning out Frerotte? I can't believe it. (I'm kidding. I totally believe it.)

49ers over Rams: A titanic battle between a couple of 2-7 teams.


Blah, blah, stats, blah, blah, sucky teams, blah, blah, blah. If there was a game meant for Thursday night on the NFL Network, this was it. NFL FAIL.

Cardinals over Seahawks: The 'Hawks rank 30th in YPG (260.2), 27th in PPG (18.9) and 27th in total defense (372.1 YPG). All of which makes this amazingly appropriate. Anyway, Hasselbeck might be back, Branch might be back...know what? I don't care. It doesn't matter. Freaking Jesus would have to return to give this team any sort of chance...but our Lord and Savior is out teaching important life lessons.

Labels: falcon pinch, Jesus, NFC picks

Panthers over Cardinals. The Arizona Air Show -- second in the league at 273.2 yards per game -- truly is an awesome spectacle to behold. When the Cardinal's are playing at home, that is. They're only 1-2 on the road, and their last away game on the East Coast was that 56-35 faceplant against the Jets. Now they're heading to Carolina, where the Panthers are undefeated this season. And, as I mentioned in this week's NFC Powerless Rankings, the jungle cats rank second in pass defense, allowing only 168.7 yards per game. It's like their D magically transmogrifies every opposing QB into Tavaris Jackson. I'm sorry, Kurt. Your God cannot protect you against these defensive demons. Which is how the Panthers are getting it done, by the way. They're strictly middle of the pack on offense: 16th in passing (210.0 YPG), 15th in rushing (114.0 YPG) and 16th in total offense (324.0 YPG).

"Thanks for the inspiration coach!" Part I: "We've got to take this home show on the road." - Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt.

Stat curse of the week: Panther's kicker John Kasay is 14-for-14 on field goal this season, extending his streak to 19 straight dating to last season. But forget about the numbers: Kasay is more than just a kicker for Carolina. (He also hand-washes the team's jock straps after every game, making them silky soft and Springtime fresh!)

Ominous fact of the week: The last time the Cardinals opened the season at 4-2 (back in 2002), they went on to finish 5-11.

Cowboys over Buccaneers. Whew. Sorry I'm so flushed and out of breath. I've spent the last several hours having wild, crazy, hanging-from-the-chandelier monkey sex with the Cowboys' downfall. Of course, their collapse isn't a physical thing, so I had to, uh, use a stand-in...

I call her "How's my ass taste, Dallas?!" And we're in love.
ANYway, as fun as it's been watching the 'Boys implode, this game has one of those "wounded animal with its back against the wall" feels to it. And, as well as Tampa has been playing lately, I don't like thier chances on the road against a desperate team. Especially since their only win away from home came courtesy of one of the Bears' patented fourth-quarter collapses.

The "Awwwwww, that's so sad (but not really)" quote of the week: "It's like we've been riding a wave. Now, the wave is gone. We're just like everybody else. No matter what the talent is, publicity, whatever goes on here, it doesn't really matter." - Cowboys linebacker Bradie James, regarding his team's "Lucifer cast violently out of Heaven"-like fall from grace.

The "I don't think that word means what you think it means..." quote of the week: "The season is still prevalent." - Cowboys defensive end Marcus Spears, regarding the fact that his team needs to look both ways before the chickens hatch. Or something like that. And because I have too...


Redskins over the Zeroes. Detroit is giving up 167.5 rushing yards per game. That makes them next to dead last against the run. Washington, on the other hand, ranks third in rushing by trampling over their opponents for 158.1 YPG. It doesn't take one of the world's leading footbawfulologists -- which I am, by the way -- to see where this is leading.


Out-of-context quote of the week: "There are times when there are big holes and there are times when there is not much of a hole." - Redskins right tackle Jon Jansen.

The "Uh, if you say so, coach" quote of the week: "I feel that the progression of this team this week was a good one." - Lions coach Rod Marinelli, regarding his team's progression. But, hey, when you start on the bottom, there's no place to go but...you know what? They're stuck at the bottom.

Chargers over Saints. Ah, finally! A battle of two teams that have shocked the football world by being much worse than anybody could have anticipated. And now they get to take their Suckfest across the pond, continuing America's policy of quiet revenge against the British for overtaxing our tea or whatever all those years ago. Take that, you filthy Redcoats.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious!" quote of the week: "He has been a big part of what we have been able to do offensively and it's an injury that we have to deal with." - Saints coach Sean Payton on the out-of-commission Reggie Bush.


The "Game Inside The Game" of the week: This has all the makings of a revenge game for Drew Brees, who was unceremoniously dumped by the Chargers a few seasons ago. Said Mr. MOLEY MOLEY MOOOOOOLE: "I'd be lying if I told you it was just any other game. But certainly I'm not blowing it out of proportion, and I'm not putting any added pressure on myself or my team." He then turned to Pierre Thomas and screamed "WE HAVE TO WIN THIS ONE OR I WILL HATE YOU BITCHES FOREVER!" and ran out of the locker room in tears. Note that Brees leads the league with 2,224 passing yards this season. So, you know, I think the Saints will be throwing the ball and stuff.

Eagles over Falcons. The torture that Jigsaw puts his victims through in those Saw movies is going to look like a five-year-old pulling the wings off of a fly compared to what the Philly defense is going to do to Matt Ryan this Sunday. I'm talking dark, disturbing, unspeakable things. I am being deadly serious here. I sincerely believe there's a very good chance of an "OH MY GOD CHRIS SIMMS LOST HIS SPLEEN"-type incident. Hey, maybe I'm way off base about this. But I really hope that Matt tells his mom he loves her before kickoff. I'm just sayin'.

Hey, look on the bright side: At least you aren't Matt Ryan!
"Thanks for the inspiration coach!" Part II: "This was a significant game in general for us. It's important we establish more consistency and eliminate some of the highs and lows." - Eagles coach Andy Reid, regarding the team's Week 6 cornholing of the 49ers.

The "Ya know, I don't think they're going to stop..." quote of the week: "We're not going to stop. You may get us every once in a while, but we're not going to stop. - Eagles safety Brian Dawkins, regarding Philly's defensive mindset.

49ers over Seahawks. Mike Singletary was named interim head coach of the Niners for his fiery passion, not his knowledge of Xs and Os. Still, this quote from San Fran's new head man is probably a cause for concern: "I don't really know...what button to press here and what button to press there." Dude! Seriously, how can you not know...


Oh. Uh, well, never mind then. What the hell? Maybe it's best not to press any buttons. Just be happy your first game as a head coach is against sad sack loo-hoo-hoosers like the Seahags. That's like getting a practice game!

"Thanks for the inspiration coach!" Part III: "Right now, the guys realize that we do have something here. To what degree, I don't know, but we do have something here." - Niners coach Mike Singletary, regarding...I have no idea.

The "Well, no shit, Sherlock!" quote of the week: "Our confidence on offense isn't where it should be." - Mike Holmgren, regarding the fact that his team's offense couldn't score in a room full of hookers downing whiskey and Rohypnol shooters.

Steelers over Giants. The Steelers lead the league in sacks with 25. The Giants are tied (with the Eagles) for second in sacks at 21. Let me feed these numbers into the Bat Computer...okay, reading the printout...holy protect the quarterback, Batman! These teams are averaging about four sacks per game between them. And you know what that means: SACK PARTY!!


Now, on paper, this game seems to favor the Giants. Sure, the Steeler's have the league's top-ranked defense, which allows a paltry 228.3 YPG. But their offense is, um, not so good, averaging a meager 298.8 YPG...which ranks 25th in the NFL. Conversely, the Giants are strong on defense (ranked fourth and allowing only 275.2 YPG) and offense (second overall and gaining an amazing 395.0 YPG). Here's where the "Yeah, but..." comes in. Let's look at the murderer's row New Yawk has faced through their first six games: Washington (before they got their act together), St. Louis (ditto), Cincinnati, Seattle, Cleveland and San Francisco. So you'll understand my skepticism.

The "Uh, Really? I had no idea..." quote of the week: "There's always that little thing inside of you that wants to be the best, so I've got to get another Super Bowl before he does." - Ben Roethlisberger, regarding the heretofore unknown Ben Roethlisberger-Eli Manning Rivalry, which unbeknownst to anyone has become, by default, the premier QB versus battle in the league.

Last week's record: 7-6

Season record: 44-27

Labels: gratuitous quoteology, NFC picks

Chicago Bears over Detroit Lions. The spread on this game is only 3.5 points. Um, really? The Lions have the worst-ranked defense in the league against the run, allowing an average of 207.7 rushing yards per game so far this season. Meanwhile, Matt Forte has already rushed for 347 yards (6th in the league) with an average of over 15 carries per game. Now, I'm no gambling woman myself, but I'd say the odds on the Bears covering in this game are about even with the odds on me enjoying this tasty farm-fresh Macintosh apple I brought for lunch. Count on Adewale Ogunleye, though, to keep things in perspective. "We all know that anything can happen on Sunday," he says. "Last year they came back and scored like 100 points or something and beat us, so we have a bad taste in our mouths." You know what won't leave a bad taste in my mouth? My apple. This apple looks dee-licious. Where were we? Oh, right. The Bears will definitely win this game.


Basketbawful says: In a battle between two teams who rarely fail to cruelly disappoint their fans, I'm going to have to bow to the greatness of the Lions in this particular venture. Which mean, although they will undoubtedly try to keep things interesting with a few careless turnovers, the Bears will win this one despite themselves.

Atlanta Falcons over Green Bay Packers. Aaron Rodgers' shoulder is reportedly fine and dandy, but the Green Bay defense is not. Atari Bibgy is questionable, Cullen Jenkins is out, Al Harris hasn't practiced all week, A.J. Hawk has a groin injury... the list goes on and on. These Falcons have all the staying power of tuna salad on a warm day, but the Matt Ryan/Michael Turner magic should be more than enough to overcome the limping Packers.

Basketbawful says: I don't care if the Packers D is made up of a "Caution: Wet Floor" sign and a couple wads of dryer lint, do not be seduced into backing the Falcons on the road. I repeat for effect: Don't do it. It's like walking away from your friends in a horror movie and saying, "I'll be right back...." You won't be back. You will never be back.

Seattle Seahawks over New York Giants. Speaking of spreads... the line on this one is up to Giants -9.0 at some places. Pshh. Pshh, I say! The struggling Seattle Seahawks (sexy!) have had new life breathed into them by the returns of Bobby Engram and Deion Branch as well as the even return-ier return of Koren Robinson. Meanwhile, the Giants are minus Plaxico Burress and his enormous ego (so that's really like 2 receivers) and, yes, are still quarterbacked by Eli "Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop" Manning. No chance I'm picking the Giants in this one.

Basketbawful says: Let me get this straight: I'm supposed to back the Seahawks, a team whose QB has a bulging disc in his back, just because Deion Branch (who's old and coming off reconstructive knee surgery) and Bobby Engram (who's old and upset over his contract status) are back? Against an undefeated Giants team that's rested and playing at home? Nope. Not doing it. I didn't arrive in this reality yesterday, you know. Hey, Matt Hasselbeck: Welcome to the New York Sack Exchange.

Philadelphia Eagles over Washington Redskins. Just look at these wacky NFC East standings:

1. Giants
2. Redskins
3. Cowboys
4. Eagles

Yeah, that doesn't look right. This game should be a step towards restoring order. Brian Westbrook is still questionable for the start this Sunday, but the Eagles have one of the best defenses in the conference and I simply don't see the Redskins pulling off a road win against this team. I know they're 3-1 and all that good stuff, but, like... they're still the REDSKINS, people.

Basketbawful says: Yeah, word has it Jason Campbell's mother has already been called in to identify his remains after Sunday's game against the Eagles. And his dental records have been ordered, just in case. Not a good sign. Eagles will fly like... uh, Eagles.

Carolina Panthers over Kansas City Chiefs. It's a rough week to be named after dislocated, disenfranchised, and generally downtrodden indigenous peoples, I guess. "Oh, but FutureMrs, the Chiefs beat the Broncos last week!" Even a broken clock is right twice a day, kids. These Panthers have a solid defense and are simply chock full of offensive options for Jake Delhomme to play with. Meanwhile, the Chiefs are still cooking with one of the most impotent offenses in the league (ranked 30th in passing yards and 29th in points scored per game). Which is like cooking with, erm, a really lame stove, or something.



Basketbawful says: Even if I thought Kansas City had a snowball's chance in a really lame stove -- and I don't -- I wouldn't have the guts to pick against the Panthers, given the fact that FutureMrs is so in love with them at the moment. That would be like telling a psychotically proud parent that her newborn baby wasn't the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and that it actually looks like a potato-headed mutant. You don't do that. Not if you enjoy having your eyeballs comfortably in your eye sockets, anyway.

New Orleans Saints over Minnesota Vikings. The gruesome downward spiral of the 2008 Vikings is sure to continue this weekend against the mighty passing arm of Drew Brees. Sorry, Minnesota! At least you have the Twins in the... oh.

Basketbawful says: As a Saints fan, this game makes me nervous. Adrian Peterson could easily run all over this team. But fortunately, I honestly believe that the Minnesota players and coaching staff are too inept to let that happen. And that gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Or maybe that's the shot of Maker's Mark I just downed.

New England Patriots over San Francisco 49ers. Know ye this: 1) I will never pick against the Patriots. Simply won't happen. Ever. We could be playing the Mike Martz Rams quarterbacked by the ghost of Johnny Unitas in the Mushroom Kingdom from Super Smash Brothers and I'd still pick the Patriots. End of story. 2) The 49ers are a colossally mediocre team whose 2 wins have come against an eviscerated Seattle offense and the freaking Rams. Thus, I'm picking the Patriots. But you already knew that.

Basketbawful says: I've learned time and time again over the last half dozen years not to pick against the Patriots, because they always make me regret it. Then again, I'm looking at an uninspiring New England defense that got torched by Ronnie Brown and Ricky "I sure could use some ganj right now" Williams. Bill Belichick is supposed to be the master of strategic adjustments, but he let his D get fooled by the old direct snap play four times against the Dolphins. Matt Cassel is still the starting QB, and somehow I can't believe that Randy Moss is happy about that. My brain is sending these signals that say, "You CANNOT pick San Fran. You CANNOT." But scew it. This is my ballsy pick of the week. Niners all the way.

futuremrsrickankiel's Week 4 Record: 7-6

Season record: 15-13

Labels: Basketbawful versus futuremrsrickankiel, NFC picks, update: my apple was really freaking tasty

Falcons fans. Scary.
Panthers over Falcons: The Falcons have looked amazing this season. At home. Against the Lions and Chiefs. On the road against Tampa? Not so much. Michael Turner -- who leads the NFL in rushing with 366 yards and 5 touchdowns -- gained 42 yards on 14 attempts against the Bucs, and Matt Ryan completed only 13 of his 33 passes for 158 yards and two interceptions. But you know what? Those are nothing but meaningful numbers. Forget them and listen to my gut. It's saying, "This is Jake Delhomme's comeback week. Take the Panthers. Now get me some Taco Bell, stat."

futuremrsrickankiel sez: The NFC South is shaping up to be one of the toughest divisions in the league this year, and this epic battle of So White It Pains Me quarterbacks may turn out to be indicative of who holds on down the stretch. Here's a hint: It's going to be the Panthers. Jake Delhomme may fluctuate wildly between atrocious and mediocre, but he's got so many more options on offense than Matt Ryan that it really doesn't seem fair. Ooh ooh, but the Falcons have Roddy White! Yeah, and I've got a half-eaten bagel. Wanna trade?

Saints over 49ers: If you're a fan of defenseless shootouts, this game is for you. I bet Mike Martz has been walking funny all week, what with the giant, throbbing erection he's probably sporting. By the way, Mike, men experiencing an erection lasting longer than four hours may die of Elevated Penis Syndrome. Just thought you should know. Sidenote: This may be the week that J.T. O'Sullivan's fantasy stock goes through the roof. My advice: Buy low, sell high.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: I'll be frank: I don't have balls. I'm a chick. However, picking the 'Niners to win this is as close as I'll come this week. (I'm on the waiting list at a clinic in Thailand, but airfare is just so EXPENSIVE these days.) It's not so much that I think San Francisco is a better team as it is that I think the Saints simply excel at finding ways to lose. Blame Martin Gramatica for last week all you want, but the truth is that if he hadn't stepped up, someone else would have. Should you desire mathematical proof:

SFO = Frank Gore
NO = Reggie Bush
Frank Gore = monster
Reggie Bush = little bitch
monster > little bitch
SFO > NO

Jets over Cardinals: I'm officially instituting a "Don't take the Cardinals on the road rule" until they win two road games in a row. Which is essentially the same as saying "forever and ever and ever until infinity times two." Still, there's just enough offensive and defensive ineptitude between these two teams to make this a pretty exciting game. If they don't combine for 60-70 points and half a dozen turnovers, I'll be very sad. Which will be a familiar feeling while watching these teams play.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Again: Do not write Brett Favre off just because it's easy. I say J-E-T-S all day, as much as I wanted to like the Cards this season. Also, please note that even if the combined score is 70, it still won't be as high as the combined age of these two starting QBs.

Packers over Buccaneers: After watching Brian Griese machine-gun the Bears with 67 pass attempts last Sunday, I became a believer. But my belief is that the Bucs are in big trouble, because that is not a formula for success. Neither is drowning during your own publicity stunt, for that matter. Memo to Ryan Grant: You are absolutely killing fantasy teams across the country. That is all.

futuremrsrickankiel sez:While I am 100% sure that Griese will not continue to be as awesome as he was against the Bears last week, I'm, like, 110% sure that the Green Bay secondary is a total mess and will do nothing to stop the Bucs' passing game. Note to self: Start Ike Hilliard.

Cowboys over Redskins: It's a modern day game of Cowboys and Injuns. And we all know how that turned out, don't we? [shudders] Meanwhile, there's only been three weeks of NFL action and yet the 'Boys are looking ahead. Way ahead. To January. According to defensive tackle Tank Johnson: "We're slowly starting to jell and that's huge as we get farther along in the season. That's what the regular season is for, jellin' for the postseason." Hey, Tank. I'm jellin'. Are you jellin'? P.S. There are 13 regular season games left. Slow down and enjoy the ride. And, uh, don't shoot.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Dallas demonstrated decisively (damn!) last week that if you shut down their passing game, they'll just let MBIII and Felix Jones go freak-nasty on your ass and mop the floor with you anyway. Washington's defense is good, yes, but their offense is far too dependent on Santana Moss for me to think they'll pull this one out. Just... something about the whole "injury-prone midget" thing makes me nervous, you know?

Eagles over Bears: Do you suppose Kyle Orton has been wetting his bed all week? I would be if I were him, based on what the Philly defense did to Ben Roethlisberger last week. He's probably been jumping at shadows wherever he goes. Kind of like, well, the people who work with Terry Tate...


futuremrsrickankiel sez: Darling, I know you're going to get your knickers all up in a knot about this pick, but Brian Westbrook and Donovan McNabb are both questionable for this weekend and surely won't be playing their best even if they do play. It's all in your hands, DeSean! And we all know what that means.


Bills over Rams: The Trent Green Era: Part II begins this weekend in St. Lous, and it's giving me a serious case of the cold chills. Mostly because we might actually see Green get killed on live TV. This man has a history. A bad history. What's Scott Linehan thinking?! I mean, the way the Rams' offensive line has been playing, that's like covering a man in chum and dropping him into the middle of a feeding frenzy without a cage or even one of those mesh anti-shark suits. I hope Trent's family has a eulogy ready, that's all I'm saying.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Oh, FINE. But if the Bills win the AFC East, I am quitting this website.

Basketbawful's Week 3 Record: 12-4

Labels: Arizona Cardinals, Buffalo Bills, Chicago Bears, Dallas Cowboys, Green Bay Packers, New York Jets, NFC picks, Philadelphia Eagles, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Bucaneers, Washington Redskins

Atlanta over Kansas City. The Chiefs may honestly be starting Joakim Soria at quarterback this weekend -- hey, he's surely a better option than Tyler Thigpen. Ryan's due for another big game and the Falcons will have an easy win. Betting on the Atlanta Falcons: it feels better than you'd think!

Basketbawful says: Hmph. I see this as betting against Kansas City moreso than betting on the Falcons. It's called the lesser of two evils. Kind of like choosing between getting pelted to death by cabbage heads or being operated on by the cast of House. I'd choose the first option, by the way. Go Falcons!

Seattle over St. Louis. Poor Seattle's O-line has more holes in it than OJ's alibi after this past Sunday sent a fourth wide receiver packing to the IR. Thankfully, it seems that a benevolent God has smiled down on them from the heavens and sent them respite in the form of the oh-so-slutty Rams defense, which has already given up a total of 79 points on the season. The sack-happy Seattle D is going to make mincemeat (or perhaps some other kind of pie that doesn't suck) out of poor Marc Bulger, who's already been sacked 10 times on the year. Also sure to be winners this week: Julius Jones fantasy owners.

Basketbawful says: Man, I'm glad I picked Julius Jones off the waiver wire last week. If there are fewer than 27 sacks in this game, I'll be bitterly disappointed. Actually, this game is destined to be a bitter disappointment no matter how many sacks there are. Seattle all the way.

Chicago over Tampa Bay. Somewhere, at this very moment, Brian Urlacher is watching film of Brian Griese and licking his lips. I say Chicago's defense will make Tampa Bay's already shaky offense look foolish and the Bears roll to an easy victory despite the possible absence of Devin Hester. HE CAN'T TAKE CONTACT HE AIN'T DOING SHIT. Sorry, what?

Basketbawful says: I'm tempted to agree, but as a cynical always-ready-for-my-team-to-fail Bears fan, I see Chicago coughing this one up in painful fashion, followed by three days worth of "The Bears should have held on to Brian Griese" stories.

San Francisco over Detroit. Duh. Jon Kitna got a fortune in a fortune cookie the other day that said, "There will soon be many positive changes in your life." It lied, Jon. THE COOKIE LIED.

Basketbawful says: Huh, that's funny. I consulted my Magic 8-Ball about this game and it responded: "Take me out of your pants!" Ha, ha, Magic 8-Ball. Ha, ha. I'll take San Fran.

Green Bay over Dallas. Tony Romo's offense is always solid (well, when he's not throwing picks or fumbling in his own end zone), but the 'Boys D-line will have no answer for Green Bay's offense. Sorry, Dallas! Greg Jennings will have another huge game against a Dallas defense that wouldn't know a pass rush if it bit them in the ass, and the Packers will be 3-0. This message approved by the Packer Pope.


Basketbawful says: Let me put it this way. I don't really believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, but I believe in Santa Claus more than the Easter Bunny, if that makes any sense. And, in this case, Romo is Santa Claus and Rodgers is the Easter Bunny. Dallas scores more points in this one.

New York over Cincinnati. FUCK YOU CINCINNATI WHY ARE YOU SO HARD TO SPELL?! I hate to say the Giants are going 3-0 this weekend, but, like... the Giants are going 3-0 this weekend. They're playing the Bengals. The Bengals have scored 17 points on the season so far.

Basketbawful says: Remember the bad milk analogy I made in this week's Powerless Rankings? Well, the Cincinatti milk has turned green and it has little black chunks in it. Eww. Man, remember when Palmer/Johnson was supposed to be the next Manning/Harrison. Giants roll.

Carolina over Minnesota. There are those who will call me foolish for picking the Panthers to win a third straight against the Vikings. Those people will owe me money come Monday. Jake Delhomme is no Peyton Manning, but I think he'll do just as good a job splitting the Vikings D to pull out a victory. Yes, Adrian Peterson will be awesome. No, he will not win his team the game. Be forewarned: if you watch this game, Steve Smith just might make you his bitch. Gus Frerotte? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Basketbawful says: Here's the saddest possible commentary I can make about the Vikings: They got about three times better when Brad Childress named Gus the starting QB. That...that can't be good. I'd be tempted to pick the Vikes, but Peterson is hurting. Carolina pulls it out again.

Arizona over Washington. Kurt Warner, baby! I see no reason why the Cards shouldn't stomp all over the Redskins en route to starting off the season 3-0. Worth tuning in just for the chance to catch Jim Zorn frantically texting Steve Largent for help at halftime.

Basketbawful says: I really, really, really want to root for Old Man Warner and the Cards in this one, but this being the first game they'll have to play against a real defense this season...I'm gonna have to go with the Redskins.

Labels: Basketbawful versus futuremrsrickankiel, I'm already Steve Smith's bitch and it's pretty awesome, NFC picks