Ah, the Lions...still winless despite carrying a 13-10 lead into the fourth quarter of their game against the Vikings. And they even got an early Christmas gift when Gus Frerotte was sidelined by a back injury and replaced by Tarvaris "No Action" Jackson. Watching this team play -- in the immortal words of Patches O'Houlihan -- is "like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob!" And, bad news for the Detroit faithful (assuming there are any left): Your Lions are playing the Colts in Indianapolis next weekend. So you can probably go ahead and just mark them down for 0-14.
Oddly enough, Lions coach Rod Marinelli is maintaining an air of deluded and possibly neurotic optimism. Said Marinelli: "I'm looking forward to this week. We're playing a heck of a team, but we think we've got a good chance." Really, Rod? Really?! A good chance of what, exactly? Because unless "suck" is contagious, the Colts are going to trample all over your sad little team.
But my favorite Lions-related quote of the weekend, though, came from Jason Hanson, who's getting paid over $2 million this year
to kock footballs: "We've got something to play for." Well, I'm certainly glad that 0-13 has you so inspired, Ryan. It must be so nice to have something to play for.
The nadir of Detroit's defeat most likely was Detroit center Dominic Raiola, who flipped off the home fans and then went apeshit afterward
. Said Raiola: "I don't take one thing back. I'm just tired of hearing it coming at just me. It's coming at me because I've been here for years. I've been through the losing. Me, Jeff (Backus) and whoever else are the head of the losing. I'm just so frustrated. I'm tired of being a doormat for people to just talk to us how they want to talk to us. I'm just not going to put up with that anymore. I'd do that, but you cant [gives fans your home address]. Nobody plays with fists. Everybody wants to play with metal." So he'd like to have Lions fans show up at his house for a fistfight, but he's afraid they'd shoot him. All I can say is...wow.
The Lions' historic ineptitude and Raiola's sociapathic attitude aside, the really BIG news COMING out of Detroit yesterday was the exposed schlong that was broadcast by the FOX network. Oh yes they most certainly did
. (I have, of course, provided a SFW image. If for some unholy reason you want to see the full monty, well, follow the link.)
And then there is the sad case of the Green Bay Packers, who watched Matt Schaub return from
a knee injury to carve them up like a Birdmas
ham, throwing for a career-high 414 yards and 2 touchdowns in the three degree weather at Lambeau Field. It was the Green Bay's third consecutive loss, which dropped them to 5-8 makes it virtually impossible for the Pack to return to the playoffs...even in the maggot-infested barf burger that is the NFC North.Note the conspicuous absense of the Green Bay defense...
Fun fact: Yesterday's 24-21 loss to the Texans was Green Bay's fifth loss by four points or fewer this season. Ouchies. Said Aaron Rodgers: "The frustrating part is, it's been right there in front of us. We've had the opportunity to execute and finish those games off and we haven't." C'mon, Aaron! If you want football victory you gotta grab it by its haunches and hump it into submission, that's the only way!
In Philadelphia, the Giants finally dropped one. I guess the grind of trying to repeat as NFL champions while absorbing several significant losses on defense and missing your first string running back and then having his backup go down with a knee injury in the third quarter and losing your star receiver -- maybe forever -- after an accidental gunshot wound to the leg at a dance club that he tried to cover up and therefore will probably end up in jail really can get to a team, for one game at least. And still the Eagles won by only 4. Fly proud, my friends.It's good to see him smile...especially sincehis season'll be endingin a few weeks.
Of course, Eagles tight end L.J. Smith wants to believe his mediocre-at-best team is simply a Giant Killer: "I just think we kind of beat them. It's tough to say. That's one of those: 'How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll?' Who knows if the distractions hurt them and helped us? I don't know." Don't worry, L.J. I promise you'll have plenty of extra time in the offseason to contemplate that and many other deep thoughts, like instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
Random note: Eli Manning was 13-for-27 for 123 yards. So, you know, don't rush to finish that bronze bust. He's still a few years away from induction at Canton.
Dear St. Louis Rams: Congrats for handing the Arizona Cardinals -- yes, you are in fact reading this correctly -- their first division title in what might as well be since forever (although in reality it's been "only" 33 years). And you've gotta love 'Zona defensive tackle Darnell Dockett's reaction: "My coach was like, 'Act like you've been there before, act like you've been there before.' I said 'Coach, I ain't been there before. I don't know how to act right now.'" He's so cute I could vomit a Rainbow Brite finger painting. I also enjoyed this quote from Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt, for which I will provide no context whatsoever: "I was excited to get a bath. That's one of the things I guess as a coach you dream about." Dare to dream, Ken!
Fun talk aside, here's a big "C'mon, now!" to Kurt Warner (24-for-33, 279 yards, 1 touchdown), who had this to say regarding the so-called irony of his new team clinching a division title against his old team: "My God's got a sense of humor. Maybe that's part of it." Nice. Does your God's sense of humor have anything to do with your wife's hair, Kurt? I'm just curious.Brenda Warner's hair: Proof Kurt's God has a sense of humor.
Here's my postscript on the Rams: 2-11. 'Nuff said.
Finally, we must discuss -- and by "discuss" I mean "me talk, you listen" -- the Dallas Cowboys, whom Tony Kornheiser annointed the Super Bowl champs after Week 3. Things have changed drastically since then, but, despite a cluster of embarrassing losses, the 'Boys are still in the playoff hunt. And their chances of leaving Pittsburgh with a huge win seemed pretty good after they stuffed Gary Russell for a 2-yard loss on a fourth-and-goal play from the Dallas 1 early in the fourth quarter, thus maintaining what at the time looked like an insurmountable 10-point lead. After the play, some of the Dallas players nearly herniated themselves celebrating. Bad idea. Terrell Owens, who was dressed in fashionable ninja attire on the sideline, denied his boys were rubbing it in. "It's all about momentum. It's just momentum. It wasn't us thinking the game was over by any means. Sometimes it's just like that. We were excited, the game was going our way." Uh huh.Terrell Owens: So very, very ninja.
From that point forward, the Steelers' defense asserted itself. Not only did the Pitt Monsters rumble back to tie it, they managed to rattle Tony Romo by calling a timeout on what Romo thought was going to be a game-winning drive for the Cowboys. Said Steelers linebacker James Harrison: "He gave us that, 'Who called the time out? You called the time out?' Yeah, we called the time out."
Then, on the very next play, Deshea Townsend scored on a 25-yard interception return on the next play with 1:40 remaining...only 24 seconds after their game-tying touchdown. Cowboy Fail.
Now, I know this is gonna surprise you, but Jerry Jones was pissed after the game. Not just at his team, but at his missing running back, the injured Marion Barber (dislocated pinkie toe). Said Jones
: "He can play with that injured toe. He can play with the soreness and a combination of those things. I see nothing that led us to believe he couldn't." Nice one, Jerry. As far as motivational speeches go, that's right up there with "Holy hell son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!" I'm sure Marion'll just kill himself for you and your team next week.
Labels: NFC, Worst of the Weekend