Titans over Ravens: Why are the Titans still undefeated, you may ask? Well, for starters, their defense is playing like 11 guys with all-consuming roid rage and a jockstrap full of evil beaver. They allow an NFL-low 11.5 points per game and lead the league with 12 takeaways. Would they take delicious candy straight out of a baby's mouth? Yes. Yes they would. Then they'd slap that baby. They'd slap it hard. And then how they would laugh...

Now, it's worth pointing out that the Ravens have a pretty okay D themselves. In fact, they're currently the top-ranked defense in the league, allowing only 186.7 yards per game. Which would impress me a whole heck of a lot more if their opponents didn't include the Bungles, the Bad Luck Browns, and a Steelers team decimated by injuries. I guess what I'm saying is, I think their defensive record is a little misleading. It's like me telling you that I'm 27-0 with 17 knockouts against 10-year-olds who attend the local elementary school. I mean, it's true and all, but that doesn't mean you should back me in a fight with Randy Couture. You know?

Key matchup: Kerry Collins versus Joe Flacco. Jesus doublebugg dancing Christ. What has happened to the quarterback position in the NFL?!

futuremrsrickankiel sez: I thought the Senate voted down the quarterback position along with the bailout package? Anyhoo, yeah, the Titans are going to win this. Joe Flacco may wind up being a great quarterback down the line...he certainly showed flashes of brilliance against the Steelers on Monday. But he also made a few classic rookie blunders, and a team like these Titans will exploit that all day long.

Colts over Texans: Do the Texans have any grand plans for turning things around after their 0-3 start? Well, according to quarterback Matt Schaub: "Our mindset is no different than any other week. We are approaching this game the same way we would any other game." In other words: Prepared for the pain and heartbreak of yet another tragic failure. You know, Matt, Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But hey, if crazy is your thing, go with it. It can't be all bad, right?


futuremrsrickankiel sez: Prescription For Recovery From A Shocking 1-2 Start: Mix 3 dashes of an inept Texans offense with a fresh bye week and crushed ice. Muddle and top with bourbon. Serve with an orange wedge.

Chargers over Dolphins: Today's random and totally meaningless fact -- Chad Pennington is 3-0 against San Diego, including a playoff win for the New York Jets in January 2005, completing 73.7 percent of his passes for 790 yards and five TDs without an interception. Man, that pattern is about as likely to continue as Ronnie Brown going off for five touchdowns against the Patriots in New England. Wait a second...

Still, I have a feeling the Chargers will be ready for the direct snap trickery that worked four times against the Patriots, so Ronnie Brown owners should temper their excitement just a tad. As for the 'Fins, they're a stone-cold lock for this week's "They are who we thought they were" performance.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Let's just say that Antonio Cromartie is not going to be fooled by the same bush-league direct snap to the RB that bamboozled a certain team from Massachusetts last week, and leave it at that.

Broncos over Buccaneers: Much like the Nuggets of the NBA, I am officially removing the "D" from the Enver Broncos' name. Currently, they're meekly surrendering 29 PPG (29th in the league) and 408.8 total yards per game (30th in the league). Let's face it, this is not your grandfather's Orange Crush, and I bet Lyle Alzado is rolling over in his grave. But that's probably because all those steroids he took have reanimated his body, which if freed would undoubtedly go on some kind of unstoppable brain-eating rampage. So consider yourself warned. Still, their offense is more explosive than a dinner of Taco Bell coated in butter and mixed with cabbage, broccoli, onions and asparagus. Plus, opposing teams always seem to struggle in the thin air of Mile High Stadium INVESCO Field at Mile High. And if any man knows what it's like to fail in Denver, it's Bucs quarterback Brian Griese.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: The 2008 Brian Griese "Look At What You're Missing Out On" World Tour will continue this weekend, say I -- after a bold strut through Chicago in Week 3, this time he's out to flaunt his goodies in the home stadium of the team who first drafted him. Next week: An appearance on the Jenny Jones show! In the meantime, though, I say the Tampa Bay defense wins out and the Bucs take this.

Cardinals over Bills: Kurt Warner had what might have been the worst 472-yard, 40-completion, 2-touchdown performance in league history last Sunday. This is mostly because he was handling the ball like it was a herring coated in Teflon and covered in Crisco and WD-40. All I know is, it's pretty sad when you throw for almost 500 yards in a single game and people start whispering, "Maybe the Cardinals should go with Matt Leinart," who, by all objective measures, is terrible. Still, I feel good about 'Zona's chances, even without Anquan Boldin, who is doubtful with a fractured sinus. (Ouch.) This is partly due to the fact that Buffalo's 4-0 record was build on a foundation of opponents with a combined record of 4-11 this season. (Not to mention that each team was dealing with either a key injury or an unsettled coaching situation when facing the Bills.) But it's also because I'm a Warner fan. I just dig that crazy, God-loving man. I can't help rooting for him. As long as he's not playing on the road.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Personally, I blame the Bills' undefeated record for the economic collapse. Cards for the win.

Cowboys over Bengals: What are the chances the Bengals will win their first game of the season on the road against a Cowboys team that's still fuming over last week's loss to the Redskins? I'll tell you: A blind man with rusty coat hangers for hands would have a better chance at solving a Rubik's Cube while locked in a room filled with screaming spider monkeys. With rabies. (The spider monkeys, not the blind man.) Carson Palmer may or may not play, but it hardly matters. Cincy will not be turning things around this season. Sorry, but if you're a Bengals fan, you'd better get used dealing with...


Note: I realize that telling a Bengals fan to get used to dealing with disappointment is like telling a clown to get used to fear and hate. It's redundant, repetitive and redundant. And repetitive.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: In an effort to make things interesting, I was going to point out that the Cincy defense has actually been quite effective against passing so far this season. But then I remembered that the Cowboys still have Marion Barber III. Yeah, it's pretty much a guarantee that the ferocious, multi-headed Dallas offense will make these supposed Bengal tigers look like, well...

Jaguars over Steelers: Man, Pittsburgh's offensive line is pathetic. I'd feel better if the Steelers were protecting Ben Roethlisberger with chicken wire and gauze bandages right now. At some point this season, you're going to be watching a Steelers game and wondering, "What's that Ben Roethlisberger-shaped pancake doing on the field?" But rest assured, that will be the actual Ben Roethlisberger. Look, I've already said I'm not real impressed with the Jaguars, but they're a better bet right now than Pittsburgh's M.A.S.H. unit. Unless Mewelde Moore exposes himself to Cosmic Rays and develops fantastic super powers.

Out-of-context quote of the week: According to Jaguars running back Fred Taylor: "Thank God we have a quarterback like David who can do it with his arms and legs." HOT.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: No way. David Garrard's titillating arms and legs aside, Jacksonville will accomplish nothing against the Steelers' defense.

Basketbawful's Week 4 Record: 9-5

Season record: 21-9

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Blogger DDC said...
Between the blind man and the Kurt Warner analogies, I don't know if I've read anything funnier. The highest amount of awesome ever.

Blogger D.J. Foster said...
I approve of all things Denver being referred to as Enver now. Seriously- the Broncos, the Nuggets and those dinger loving Rockies. At least they still have that "IN COM PLETE!" chant we all know and love. Too bad we never get to hear it.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
HA! Dolphins won. Will continue to gloat tomorrow