The Carolina Panther's pass defense: Well, I feel about as stupid as those Oklahoma idiots who decided to play "chicken" with a cop. After spending last week bragging up the power of the Panther's awesome pass defense, I watched old man Warner destroy them the way his God demolished Sodom and Gomorrah: With pure fire and lightning, baby. Kurt completed 71 percent of his passes (35-for-49) en route to 381 yards and 2 touchdowns. And it's not like the Cardinals were setting up the pass with their stellar running game: Edge James rushed 7 times for 17 yards and Time Hightower had 6 attempts for only 3 yards. In the end, Carolina won the shootout, but only because Arizona, true to form, bungled the game way...
The Arizona Cardinals: You know I have to say it: The Cardinals are indeed who we thought they were. After building a surprising two-touchdown lead in the first half, the Cards spit in the face of prosperity by committing a handful of critical failures. First, late in the second quarter, coach Ken Whisenhunt decided to fake a 39-yard field goal attempt. On fourth-and-14. The play came up four yards short of a first down, so Arizona lost the ball and an opportunity for a pretty sure score. Then, early in the third quarter, James lost a fumble that gave the Panthers a shortened field and set up a game-tying TD pass by Delhomme. Warner responded on 'Zona's next possession by hitting Anquan Boldin for a two-yard touchdown, but Dirk Johnson bumbled the hold on the extra point, leaving Arizona with a 23-17 lead late in the third. (Note: That's four points the Cardinals gave up. This will be important later.) After a Delhomme-to-Smith TD gave Carolina a 24-23 lead, Warner was picked off near the goal line and the turnover was eventually translated into a Carolina field goal that accounted for the final score of 27-23. You guessed it: A FOUR POINT MARGIN OF VICTORY. You can't make this stuff up.
The moral of this story: Don't bet on Arizona on the road. Just. Don't. Do it.
Ken Whisenhunt, quote machine: Regarding his decision to go for it on freaking fourth-and-14 instead of just kicking a field goal and extending a double-digit lead on the road: "Maybe that was a little bit long to run that field goal fake." Brilliant deduction, coach.
Jake Delhomme's amazing man-crush: I had no idea Jake was so in love with Kurt Warner. Regading their pregame chit-chat, Delhomme said: "Talked to him a good while before the game. Didn't get to talk to him after. I would have probably asked him for his autograph." Then: "It's hard for me to watch our defense play because we're going over stuff, looking at pictures, but I caught myself watching him today. I'm proud of him." That's some serious love that dare not speak its name. I'm sorry to report, though, that Kurt's already spoken for. But don't worry. If the world's heaviest man can find love, so can you, Jake. So can you!
Bucs versus 'Boys: The final score was 13-9. I will now rip out my own eyes and set them on fire. Damn them for letting me watch this abomination.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneer "air show": Wow. Jeff Garcia threw 44 times yesterday. That was the plan? Seriously?! Hey, coach Gruden. Time for a new plan.
Brad Johnson, quote machine: BJ played the role of "game manager" to slow-and-steady-wins-the-race perfection yesterday, completing 19 passes for 122 yards. Boo if you must -- the Dallas fans sure did -- but that 3.7 yards-per-pass average was good enough for the win. And the Cowboys haven't been getting a lot of those lately, so don't expect any apologies from Brad. "We knew going in it was going to be an ugly game at times. Third-and-long, check it down, let them boo you -- that's OK by me. You’ve just got to manage the game." You tell 'em, Brad. And, really, it's our own fault. We should be teaching the youth of America to admire game managers, not game makers.
The Detroit Zeroes: Ford Field didn't sell out for the first time since it opened in 2002, and the fans not in attendence missed out on seeing their team scrap their usual "fall behind early and never recover" strategy to employ the slightly more depressing "take an early lead and hang onto it only to miserably fail at the end." I, for one, appreciate seeing Detroit fail in new and different ways. Although it's worth noting that they're still spreading their hoochies for opposing QBs: Jason Campbell was 23-of-28 for a season-high 328 yards with a touchdown and a career-high 127.4 passer rating, surpassing his previous career-high (established last year...against the Lions). Detroit has now allowed six of the seven quarterbacks they've faced this season set a career-high passer rating against them. They also watched Santana Moss catch a season-high nine passes for 140 yards, including a 50-yard TD that put the 'Skins ahead late in the third quarter. Moss also returned a punt 80 yards for a touchdown. It was the first time Moss had acheived the feat since 2002. Oh, and Clinton Portis ran for 126 yards. The point, in case you missed it, is that if somebody on your fantasy team is facing Detroit this week, START HIM. Even if he dies mid-week, start him. The Zeroes are resurrecting everybody.
Chargers versus Saints: If you're a fan of shootouts, this game was for you. But I thought of this game as The Day That Defense Died. But who knows? Maybe that was all part of the plan. Said Chargers defensive end Luis Castillo: "I thought it was what the fans here wanted to see. I thought they wanted a high-scoring game. I thought they wanted to see the ball being thrown. I thought they wanted to see amazing athletes making amazing plays, and that's what they got." Amazing athletes making amazing plays? Sure. On one side of the ball, anyway.
Drew Brees, liar, liar, pants on fire: Regarding his team's win over the team that once spurned him: "This game was not about me proving a point or proving anybody wrong or saying they shouldn't have let me go. We beat a very good team today that needed a victory as badly as we did." I very nearly let this one go until he made the "We beat a very good team..." comment. That's when I knew he was screwing with us.
Michael Turner: His feast-for-famine season continues. Yesterday's numbers: 17 rushes for 58 yards, no TDs. And several thousand fantasy football team losses.
Andy Reid, quote machine: Regarding Brian Westbrook, who returned yesterday to rush for 167 yards and 2 TDs, the coach said: "He was dialed up." Memo to coach Reid: Stop trying to sound cool. You're fooling exactly nobody.
San Francisco 49ers: Gak. These guys were so bad I thought new coach Mike Singletary was going to burst a vein during the game. Samuri Mike benched J.T. O'Sucksville after he got sacked thrice, fumbled twice and threw an interception on fourth down. Then he yanked tight end Vernon Davis for slapping a Seattle player's helmet, chewed the kid out on the sidelines, then sent him to the locker room. He probably wanted to launch the defensive line into space after Leonard "The Chunk Master" Weaver caught a couple short passes and shambled his fat butt downfield for TDs of 62 and 43 yards. But, since Singletary doesn't have access to NASA equipment, he was left to beg pardon from the Niner faithful for the team's pathetic suckage. Before he went into the locker room, he removed his hat and spoke to the fans above the tunnel, saying: "I apologize. I apologize to you guys." Good times, gooooooood times.
The Steelers' offensive line: What did Ben Roethlisberger do to piss them off? Sleep with all their girlfriends and baby mamas? Refuse to add them as friends on his Facebook page? Leave dismembered skunk parts in their lockers? Whatever happened, Roethlisberger got sacked five times yesterday, bringing his season total to 23. I'm half expecting them to buy him a new motorcycle for Christmas. Oh, and speaking of Big Ben...
Ben Roethlisberger: At least part of the reason this dude keeps getting sacked is because he stands in the pocket death-gripping the ball like it's an infant he's scared to drop. Do that for the 10 seconds or so and you're gonna get hit. And in addition to all those sacks, he also tossed four picks. Man, Ben, if you're that determined to help the other team out, why not just hand over your playbook or set the locker room on fire?
Lack of foresight: Steelers long snapper Greg Warren suffered a season-ending knee injury on his final snap of the third quarter. (I never realized snapping was such a dangerous occupation.) Anyway, this injury would prove to be Pittsburgh's undoing late in the game when, on fourth-and-22 from its 18, Steelers substitute snapper James Harrison -- who had never snapped in a game in high school or college, much less the NFL -- fired his first snap over the head of punter Mitch Berger and out of the end zone for a safety. That tied the score at 14-14.
Oh, but it gets worse. Berger injured his hamstring in the second quarter. After the safety, he had to launch a free kick from the Steelers' 20. It traveled only 49 yards and set the Giants up near midfield. From there, Eli led New York on its only touchdown drive of the game. The winning drive, as it turned out.
According to Steelers coach Mike Tomlin: "Nobody has two deep snappers. The best you have after that is an emergency snapper. We identified James as our leading candidate. James Farrior was next." Yeah, how'd that work out for you, coach?
Labels: Arizona Cardinals, Brad Johnson, Carolina Panthers, Jake Delhomme, Kurt Warner
Titans over Ravens: Why are the Titans still undefeated, you may ask? Well, for starters, their defense is playing like 11 guys with all-consuming roid rage and a jockstrap full of evil beaver. They allow an NFL-low 11.5 points per game and lead the league with 12 takeaways. Would they take delicious candy straight out of a baby's mouth? Yes. Yes they would. Then they'd slap that baby. They'd slap it hard. And then how they would laugh...
Now, it's worth pointing out that the Ravens have a pretty okay D themselves. In fact, they're currently the top-ranked defense in the league, allowing only 186.7 yards per game. Which would impress me a whole heck of a lot more if their opponents didn't include the Bungles, the Bad Luck Browns, and a Steelers team decimated by injuries. I guess what I'm saying is, I think their defensive record is a little misleading. It's like me telling you that I'm 27-0 with 17 knockouts against 10-year-olds who attend the local elementary school. I mean, it's true and all, but that doesn't mean you should back me in a fight with Randy Couture. You know?
Key matchup: Kerry Collins versus Joe Flacco. Jesus doublebugg dancing Christ. What has happened to the quarterback position in the NFL?!
futuremrsrickankiel sez: I thought the Senate voted down the quarterback position along with the bailout package? Anyhoo, yeah, the Titans are going to win this. Joe Flacco may wind up being a great quarterback down the line...he certainly showed flashes of brilliance against the Steelers on Monday. But he also made a few classic rookie blunders, and a team like these Titans will exploit that all day long.
Colts over Texans: Do the Texans have any grand plans for turning things around after their 0-3 start? Well, according to quarterback Matt Schaub: "Our mindset is no different than any other week. We are approaching this game the same way we would any other game." In other words: Prepared for the pain and heartbreak of yet another tragic failure. You know, Matt, Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But hey, if crazy is your thing, go with it. It can't be all bad, right?
futuremrsrickankiel sez: Prescription For Recovery From A Shocking 1-2 Start: Mix 3 dashes of an inept Texans offense with a fresh bye week and crushed ice. Muddle and top with bourbon. Serve with an orange wedge.
Chargers over Dolphins: Today's random and totally meaningless fact -- Chad Pennington is 3-0 against San Diego, including a playoff win for the New York Jets in January 2005, completing 73.7 percent of his passes for 790 yards and five TDs without an interception. Man, that pattern is about as likely to continue as Ronnie Brown going off for five touchdowns against the Patriots in New England. Wait a second...
Still, I have a feeling the Chargers will be ready for the direct snap trickery that worked four times against the Patriots, so Ronnie Brown owners should temper their excitement just a tad. As for the 'Fins, they're a stone-cold lock for this week's "They are who we thought they were" performance.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: Let's just say that Antonio Cromartie is not going to be fooled by the same bush-league direct snap to the RB that bamboozled a certain team from Massachusetts last week, and leave it at that.
Broncos over Buccaneers: Much like the Nuggets of the NBA, I am officially removing the "D" from the Enver Broncos' name. Currently, they're meekly surrendering 29 PPG (29th in the league) and 408.8 total yards per game (30th in the league). Let's face it, this is not your grandfather's Orange Crush, and I bet Lyle Alzado is rolling over in his grave. But that's probably because all those steroids he took have reanimated his body, which if freed would undoubtedly go on some kind of unstoppable brain-eating rampage. So consider yourself warned. Still, their offense is more explosive than a dinner of Taco Bell coated in butter and mixed with cabbage, broccoli, onions and asparagus. Plus, opposing teams always seem to struggle in the thin air of
futuremrsrickankiel sez: The 2008 Brian Griese "Look At What You're Missing Out On" World Tour will continue this weekend, say I -- after a bold strut through Chicago in Week 3, this time he's out to flaunt his goodies in the home stadium of the team who first drafted him. Next week: An appearance on the Jenny Jones show! In the meantime, though, I say the Tampa Bay defense wins out and the Bucs take this.
Cardinals over Bills: Kurt Warner had what might have been the worst 472-yard, 40-completion, 2-touchdown performance in league history last Sunday. This is mostly because he was handling the ball like it was a herring coated in Teflon and covered in Crisco and WD-40. All I know is, it's pretty sad when you throw for almost 500 yards in a single game and people start whispering, "Maybe the Cardinals should go with Matt Leinart," who, by all objective measures, is terrible. Still, I feel good about 'Zona's chances, even without Anquan Boldin, who is doubtful with a fractured sinus. (Ouch.) This is partly due to the fact that Buffalo's 4-0 record was build on a foundation of opponents with a combined record of 4-11 this season. (Not to mention that each team was dealing with either a key injury or an unsettled coaching situation when facing the Bills.) But it's also because I'm a Warner fan. I just dig that crazy, God-loving man. I can't help rooting for him. As long as he's not playing on the road.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: Personally, I blame the Bills' undefeated record for the economic collapse. Cards for the win.
Cowboys over Bengals: What are the chances the Bengals will win their first game of the season on the road against a Cowboys team that's still fuming over last week's loss to the Redskins? I'll tell you: A blind man with rusty coat hangers for hands would have a better chance at solving a Rubik's Cube while locked in a room filled with screaming spider monkeys. With rabies. (The spider monkeys, not the blind man.) Carson Palmer may or may not play, but it hardly matters. Cincy will not be turning things around this season. Sorry, but if you're a Bengals fan, you'd better get used dealing with...
Note: I realize that telling a Bengals fan to get used to dealing with disappointment is like telling a clown to get used to fear and hate. It's redundant, repetitive and redundant. And repetitive.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: In an effort to make things interesting, I was going to point out that the Cincy defense has actually been quite effective against passing so far this season. But then I remembered that the Cowboys still have Marion Barber III. Yeah, it's pretty much a guarantee that the ferocious, multi-headed Dallas offense will make these supposed Bengal tigers look like, well...
Jaguars over Steelers: Man, Pittsburgh's offensive line is pathetic. I'd feel better if the Steelers were protecting Ben Roethlisberger with chicken wire and gauze bandages right now. At some point this season, you're going to be watching a Steelers game and wondering, "What's that Ben Roethlisberger-shaped pancake doing on the field?" But rest assured, that will be the actual Ben Roethlisberger. Look, I've already said I'm not real impressed with the Jaguars, but they're a better bet right now than Pittsburgh's M.A.S.H. unit. Unless Mewelde Moore exposes himself to Cosmic Rays and develops fantastic super powers.
Out-of-context quote of the week: According to Jaguars running back Fred Taylor: "Thank God we have a quarterback like David who can do it with his arms and legs." HOT.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: No way. David Garrard's titillating arms and legs aside, Jacksonville will accomplish nothing against the Steelers' defense.
Basketbawful's Week 4 Record: 9-5
Season record: 21-9
Labels: AFC picks, Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Johnson, demotivation, inept quarterbacks, Kurt Warner, Matt Schaub, Ronnie Brown
Referee Ed Hochuli: The man who made the tuck rule famous flagged the Panthers' Julius Peppers for a roughing-the-passer penalty that negated Carolina's pick-six in the first quarter against Atlanta. What's more, Muscles claimed that Peppers delivered a helmet-to-helmet hit on Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan. Replays, however, showed not only that Peppers made contact as Ryan released the ball, but that he hit him first with his shoulder after which their helmets collided. Weird. I didn't think steroids affected eyesight.
This gaffe, of course, comes on the heels of the blown call that helped Denver notch a 39-38 comeback win over San Diego. I guess that mean's more "low grades" for Hochuli. Isn't it interesting, though, that so much dust is getting kicked up over two officiating mistakes? NFL officials blow or miss calls with alarming regularity, but when Hochuli does it, everybody freaks out. That's what happens when you overachieve: Your mistakes seem correspondingly huge. Which is sort of a sad commentary on our society...much like the extendable fork.
Michael Turner: The NFL's "leading rusher" had 56 yards on 18 attempts and no touchdowns. And I wasn't the least bit surprised. I told you how bad the Falcons were on the road and I asked why you hadn't traded Turner yet. Why didn't you listen to me? Why didn't you listen?! Hey, you're also growing a second evil head. You gonna pay attention to that?
Mike Martz: San Francisco
Drew Brees: Brees -- the league leader in passing yards (1343), yards per game (335.8), and completion percentage (72.3) -- was again magnificent, throwing for 363 yards (23-for-35) and 3 touchdowns. But it's damn near impossible to figure out whom he's targeting from week to week. I mean, 101 yards for Lance Moore? Another 99 yards for Robert Meachum? And the would-be number one guy, David Patten, caught only one pass for 21 yards. Come on, Drew. Pick a primary receiver and stick with him. Fantasy teams all over the country may depend on it.
Kurt Warner: It seems almost unthinkable for a quarterback to throw for 472 yards (on 40 completions!) and 2 touchdowns and yet still end up in Worst of the Weekend. Unless, of course, that QB is Kurt "The Human Turnover" Warner. The Christian Kid undid all his accomplishments by getting sacked 5 times, tossing three picks, and losing three fumbles. That's like discovering a cure for your wife's cancer but then blindfolding her and sending her down a flight of stairs covered in banana peels.
But I should thank Kurt for helping prove me right. On Friday, I said: "If [the Cardinals and Jets] don't combine for 60-70 points and half a dozen turnovers, I'll be very sad." Well, they combined for 91 points and 8 turnovers. So in a way, the teams both exceeded and failed to live up to my expectations (if that makes any sense). And most of that is due to Kurt Warner. God bless you, sir.
New York's lack of class: Leading the hapless Cardinals 48-35, Brett Favre threw a touchdown pass -- his sixth of the game, a personal best -- with 1:54 left on the clock. Then they rubbed a little salt into the wound by for a two-point conversion. That's some bad juju right there. Remember what happened to the last team that challenged the Football Gods by running up scores? They suffered the greatest upset in Super Bowl history and then lost their QB to a catastrophic knee injury during the first quarter of the first game of the very next season. I'm just sayin'.
Even worse was how Jets safety Eric Smith almost killed Anquan Boldin with a helmet-to-helmet hit. Mind you, this happened with 34 seconds to go and the Jets holding an insurmountable lead. That's so not cool. But then again, I'm probably be inspired to play dirty if my team had forced me to wear this:
Aaron Rodgers: The man for whom Brett Favre -- who, in case you missed it, threw for 6 TDs yesterday -- was run out of town was sacked three times and threw three picks, the last of which ended up being the game-clincher. Oh, and he got his shoulder separated, so chances are he'll be out for a while. And this seems as good a time as any to mention that Favre holds NFL record with 257 consecutive starts...and counting. The lesson: Never, ever, ever ditch a legend who can still play.
Ryan Grant: Green Bay's problems weren't limited to their quarterback. Grant, who demanded that the Packers show him the money in the offseason, had 20 yards on 15 carries for a Cedric Benson-like 1.3 yards per carry. He also fumbled once as a reciever and once as a rusher, witht he rushing fumble getting run back for a Tampa Bay TD. I will now continue the Ced Benson analogy by presenting Grant's current stats for the season: 55 carries, 186 yards (3.4 yards per carry), zero touchdowns and two lost fumbles. Raise your hand if you took Grant in the first round of your fantasy league draft. Now go give yourself an atomic wedgie. You totally deserve it.
Brad Childress: During the second quarter of the Vikings-Titans game, Childress used a timeout to figure out whether to challenge the spot of a catch by Tennesse's Justin Gage (Gage appeared to lose the ball right before the whistle). Then, after talking it over with coaches, he threw the challenge flag. Bad news: The spot of the catch was upheld, and Childress lost a second timeout. Why waste a timeout when, in a worst-case scenario, you'll just lose a timeout anyway? How does that make sense? But keep in mind that this is the same guy who had to choose between starting Tavaris Jackson and Gus Frerotte at quarterback. Stands to reason that his brain's a little fried.
Trent Green: Let's see: 236 yards on 17-for-32 passing, two sacks, zero touchdowns, and an interception that was run back by Buffalo for the go-ahead touchdown. Yep, that was exactly what the Rams needed to turn things around. Sorry if I slopped some of that sarcasm on you. Things tend to get messy when discussing the Rams. On the bright side, yesterday was the first time this season that the Rams finished within 24 points of their opponent. So that's something.
Dallas Cowboys: It seems like only last week that the Cowboy's Tank Johnson was already looking ahead to the playoffs. Oh yeah, it was last week. Unfortunately for Dallas, the NFL still requires its teams to complete the regular season and win all their postseason games before receiving the Lombardi Trophy, no matter how good they looked over the first three games. Remember what happened to the Emperor after he prematurely celebrated his victory over the Rebels in Return of the Jedi? Allow me to remind you:
Terrell Owens: Wanna know why the Cowyboys lost the game? It certainly wasn't hubris of the fact that their defense got chewed up by Clinton Portis (121 yards on 21 rushes) and Jason Campbell (231 yards and 2 TDs). It was because Terrell Owens didn't touch the ball enough. No, really. Just ask Terrell Owens. "Everybody recognized that I wasn't really getting the ball in the first half. I'm pretty sure everybody watching the game recognized it, people in the stands recognized it, I think my team recognized it. I didn't quit. I kept fighting and trying to running my routes and trying to get open."
For the record, the Cowboys ran 58 offensive plays. Romo threw it to Owens 18 times and handed it off to him twice on end-arounds. But when somebody pointed that out to him and asked whether being almost 40 percent of the offense was enough, Owens replied: "I would say no. I'm a competitor, and I want the ball." He later threw a tantrum during Tony Romo's press conference, noting that the press wasn't asking him enough questions.
Second-half Kyle Orton: Orton was fantastic in the first half of the Eagles-Bears game, throwing for three TDs...which has to be an all-time record for a Chicago QB. But somebody -- I'm guessing it was Rex Grossman -- must have hit Orton's self-destruct button during halftime, because Krazy Kyle came out after the intermission and threw for only 25 yards, tossed a sloppy interception and coughed up the ball twice on fumbles. Fortunately for Orton and the Bears, Donovan McNabb wasn't much better (3 sacks, 1 interception) and the Eagles running game was a victim of evolution...which is probably why they couldn't convert second-and-goal, third-and-goal and fourth-and-goal -- all from the Bears' one-yard line -- with just over three minutes remaining. Hey, if your offense can't gain a yard in three tries with the game on the line, you don't deserve to win. A wag of the finger, mabye, but not a win.
Labels: Aaron Rodgers, Brad Childress, Dallas Cowboys, Ed Hochuli, Kurt Warner, Kyle Orton, Michael Turner, Mike Martz, New York Jets, NFC, Ryan Grant, Terrell Owens, Trent Green, Worst of the Weekend
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Previous Posts
The AFC divisional playoffs: Duck and coverThe NFC Divisional Playoffs: A Tale in Two Acts
Worst of the Final Weekend (of the regular season)
Panthers/Giants: Hot Live Action!
Weekend Worsties: Awful Football Conference
The NFC's weekend pooperpalooza
Weekend crapercize: AFC bawfulness
NFC Week 13: The Search for Redemption
The Black Friday Bowl of Bawful
Pigskin on Turkey Day: Your All-Vegan Live Post
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