It's Thanksgiving, and I have a case full of tasty Magic Hat microbrews plus 2 hours to kill before my mom serves dinner. So here I am, in front of the balanced and suspense-laden Lions/Titans match-up, to provide you with some running and possibly not-all-that-sober game commentary. It's what Abe Lincoln would have wanted, I'm sure.13:30, 1st.
I kid you not: the info for this game on my cable actually refers to the Lions as "woeful." Harsh! Then again, I guess 0-11 will do that to you. It's already 7-0, Titans. Calvin Johnson deserves better than the Lions. Daunte Culpepper is apparently hallucinating receivers to throw to. Kind of like when you play wiffleball and you have "ghost runners" that only lead to endless arguments along the lines of, "Nuh uh he was totally out!" "NO WAY my ghost runner has the speed of Jacoby Ellsbury combined with the impeccable timing of Grady Sizemore. Also your mom is a heifer."10:30, 1st.
The Lions are on the board with a 53-yard (!) field goal. I'm drinking "Odd Notion," which is a honey-brewed winter ale. Are these things in any way related? I like to think so.8:21, 1st.
Chris "4.24" Johnson with a 58-yard touchdown -- his second TD of the game. 14-3, Titans. That was fast. Hope you took the over, kids! Detroit has the worst run defense in the league. Even Sad Tiger finds them pathetic. Bo Scaife is on this Detroit blitz like your fat uncle is currently on the shrimp cocktail. NOM.6:51, 1st.
How the fuck do you OVERTHROW CALVIN JOHNSON, Culpepper?! He's like 8 feet tall! Detroit with a speedy 3-and-out. Chris Johnson licks his lips on the sidelines. The NFL on CBS team keeps showing shots of the clouds over Detroit... I'm assuming it's some ham-fisted metaphor for how terrible the Lions are. Either way, they look fluffy and inviting and are making me oddly hungry.4:47, 1st.
Ah, LenDale White. Now THERE is a man who likes his pie on Thanksgiving. Given the way Chris Johnson is tearing apart the Lions defense, I'm less than impressed at White's rushing this game. 3rd-and-long, Titans, and C-Jo can't get the first down. Puntage! Detroit's got it at the 21. Do we think they'll score on this drive? BAHAHAHAH I crack myself up. If you raise your child a Lions fan, doesn't that trigger some sort of response from the DSS? Unnecessary cruelty? Straight-up negligent parenting?3:12, 1st.
Daunte Culpepper weighs 277 pounds. He's unsackable! But it doesn't matter to these Titans, since he sure is interceptable, and it's now 21-3 Titans. My friend is suggesting that they fire Rod Marinelli at halftime. Personally, I'm in favor of them disbanding altogether and selling off the team as spare parts at halftime. Would it be poor form for the Titans to rest their starters in the second half?1:43, 1st.
A little Culpepper nostalgia for our enjoyment: a Thanksgiving Day game against the Cowboys with the Vikings in 2000. Two passes thrown to Randy Moss. Vikes win, 27-15. I remember that game vividly, as I was unhealthily obsessed with Randy Moss when I was in middle school and high school. I'd so much rather watch a rerun of that game, even knowing the outcome, than this travesty of a football game. Fie upon you, Lions! Are they really going to play 3 more quarters of this?0:11, 1st.
Dear god. Chris Johnson already has 89 YARDS ON THE GAME. Congratulations, in advance, to all Chris Johnson fantasy owners on your victories this week. Having the snap go to Kerry Collins almost seems like an unnecessary formality at this point. Kind of like wearing a belt to Thanksgiving dinner.14:20, 2nd.
Just to mix things up, the Titans give LenDale White the 1st-and-goal carry. 28-3, Titans. I've never seen a team score triple digits in a football game. I might get to see that today. Ooh, the excitement! I'm rooting for the Titans in the way that I root for the shark in Jaws. RARGH! EAT THEM! RARGH! 13:01, 2nd.
Detroit is trying to become the first team ever to implement the "no receivers anywhere, ever" offensive scheme. OH MY GOD FIRST DOWN LIONS. Everyone finish your drink!8:37, 2nd.
The Titans have the ball again. Sorry if I got your hopes up with that whole "first down Lions" nonsense.7:51, 2nd.
The Lions ALMOST have a fumble recovery... but not quite, because they are the Lions. The Titans have 10 first downs so far this game. The Lions have 1. Dammit, there are only so many "the Lions are terrible" jokes one girl can make. GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH, UNIVERSE!4:47, 2nd.
Justin McCareins with a spectacular 23-yard catch. Do the Lions know they're allowed to, like, stop the Titans from making plays? Has anyone gone over the rule book with them!3:00, 2nd.
Seriously, I left the room for under 2 minutes and it's now 35-3, Titans. I'm supposed to be making mashed potatoes, but instead I'm hiding in front of the television with beer. I might actually be a dude.0:39, 2nd.
Detroit knocks the ball from Kerry Collins' hand and almost has a touchdown on the fumble... but not quite, because they are the Lions. The Lions have what will undoubtedly be their only 1st-and-goal of the game. Odds they'll score? 5,897,000:1.0:34, 2nd.
TOUCHDOWN PASS TO MICHAEL GAINES! Detroit will enter the half down by just 25 points. If that's not the feel-good story of the year, I don't know what is. I need beer.6:50, 3rd.
38-10, Titans. The Lions appear to have found a way to temporarily staunch their defensive hemorrhaging. I am simultaneously making green beans, beating my brother at Yahtzee, and drunk. WOO THANKSGIVING! Have a great one, everyone!