You can expect big things from Gus this week. Trust me.
Minnesota over Detroit: John Kitna versus Gus Frerotte. FEEL THE POWER. But ol' Gus must be looking forward to Sunday like it's Christmas, International Talk Like A Pirate Day, and California Wild Rice Month all rolled into one! According to an article in today's Chicago Sun Times:

Kyle Orton (121.4) is the fourth consecutive quarterback to have his career-best passer rating against the Lions, following the Falcons' Matt Ryan (137.0), the Packers' Aaron Rodgers (117.0) and the 49ers' J.T. O'Sullivan (123.3).

In fact, the last 12 quarterbacks to face the Lions have had ratings of 100 or higher. The Cardinals' Tim Rattay threw one pass against the Lions last year and hit 118.8.

Surely you see where I'm going with this? Frerotte is likely to go off for 300 yards and a couple touchdowns. At least. Detroit is just that bad. And Jon Kitna knows it, although he can't figure out why. "I wish I could put a finger on that for you. But I think there's too many factors to even really start to talk about one thing. There's been a lot of things that have caused us problems, and continue to cause us problems." Too many factors, eh? Like that your entire teams sucks to the extreme, pretty much from top to bottom? Or that they face a talent deficit at every position, even for doing simple things like chewing gum and playing Candyland with their kids? Those kinds of things, Jon?

Random meaningless stats: Detroit's last win at the Metrodome came in 1997 and the Vikings are 17-3 against them over the past ten seasons. However, the Lions were 0-12 when they beat the Vikings during the 13th game of the 2001 season. So, you know, anything can happen. (But it won't.)

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Ah christ. I'm dying to be contrarian and pick the Lions, but I just checked the team website and it looks like Jon Kitna might not even start on Sunday. Who's worse than the Lions? The Lions with a backup QB. Sigh. Vikes take this one.

Atlanta over Chicago: Kyle Orton versus Matt Ryan. FEEL THE POWER AGAIN. Yowch. Both QBs played extremely well last week, but there's ample evidence to suggest that Orton is due for a big (perhaps even epic) dropoff. From that same Sun Times article:

And a week later, it was back to reality: Ryan dropped to 29.6 against the Bucs; Rodgers to 80.1 against the Cowboys and O'Sulivan to 59.6 against the Saints -- a big reason why teams that play the Lions are 0-3 against the spread the following week.

The decompression from re-entry after torching the Lions is the bigger challenge: Tony Romo (22.2), Brett Favre (8.9), Eli Manning (33.8), Jeff Garcia (45.4) and Donovan McNabb (61.0) are among those who crapped out in their next game.

Surely you see where I'm going with this? Fortunately for fans of non-horrible football, this game will likely be defined by running: Michael Tuner has rushed for 324 yards in his previous two home games, and Matt Forte is pretty good too (and the Falcons have the eighth highest yards per carry allowed at 4.6). But minus their games against the Bizarro Colts and the Surrender Lions, the Bears have one shaky win against the Eagles and two even shakier losses to the Panthers and Bucs. So, uhm, I'm not quite ready to pick Kyle and the Ortonairres on the road against a team that's been pretty explosive at home.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: No one's been able to run the ball against Chicago so far this season -- they've allowed just 74.2 rushing yards per game. And, as we all know, Atlanta has pretty much only one game: it's called Give The Ball To Michael Turner. Much as I like the Falcons offense this season, I don't think this one's in the cards.

Carolina over Tampa Bay: The Panthers have officially become the Ferris Bueller of the NFL. They don't necessarily look that impressive on paper, but everything they do sort of goes right, sometimes inexplicably. They're just kinda good at everything: Solid run defense, fantastic pass defense, rugged running game, cunning passing game. Now, the Bucs aren't bad themselves, especially on the ground: Tampa is averaging 5.3 yards per carry, third best in the NFL. But, again, they keep flip-flopping at the QB spot. Between Jeff Garcia and Brian Griese. And Griese's hurt. This instills me with the same sense of confidence President Bush calls for "confidence" in an "anxious time." Anxious time? The DOW is down almost 40 percent from a year ago, dude. This has gone beyond anxious and into bed-wetting territory. Hell, I wet my bed this morning, and I'm not ashamed to say so. But then again, I am. So very, very ashamed. ANYway...

futuremrsrickankiel sez: PANTHERS BABY PANTHERS!

Washington over St. Louis: Some teams get off the team bus running. The Rams get off the bus losing. If they tried to call a flipped coin, it would probably land on its side. Then explode. Then the shards would travel to the future and murder all their descendents. They are team of misfortune. The question is: Can anything be done? I say we give them some of this:


If that doesn't solve their problems throwing, running, scoring and defending, then nothing will, short of direct intervention from God. [Checks the sky] Yeah, probably not gonna happen.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: St. Louis should really consider changing their name from "The Rams" to just "The Sheep." The Washington Redskins are going 5-1.

Dallas over Arizona: My grandpa, bless his soul, was convinced that his body was the most accurate weather prediction device ever created. Aching elbow? That meant rain. Burning, scratchy feet? Snow was on the way. Eyeballs that glowed bright red? Whirlwind of locusts. Well, I must have inherited something from him, because I have a sixth sense of my own. I know when Kurt Warner is about to have one of his patented multiple-turnover games. You know, the kind where he tosses a couple picks and fumbles the ball away two or three times. I can just feel it, like a violent rash on my sensitive man parts. But not a real one. It's a totally metaphorical rash. Anyway, this is the week that the 'Boys get back on track and where the Cardinals remind us, yet again, that they are who we thought they were.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Dang, you totally didn't mention that it was Awkward Over-share Day on Footbawful! Anyhoodle, yeah, I'm not picking the Cardinals over the Cowboys. No chance.

Philadelphia over San Francisco: I know what you're thinking. The Eagles have dropped two in a row. They're already in a deep hole in their own division, in which the other three teams have already won four games a piece. Brian Westbrook has a sprained ankle and two fractured ribs, and their elderly female fans are mooning the opposition. (Naked old lady butts. Awesome.) Bad news, right? Well, don't worry about the Eagles. I repeat: DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE EAGLES. Donovan McNabb called a team meeting. Problems solved.

Said McNabb: "I tried to let them know that it's easy for us to sit and say we could be undefeated right now or we should be 4-1, whatever it may be, but we're not. So, in order for us to correct that and put these four or five games behind us, we have to do it right now." Now that is the kind of leadership you expect from a guy who once threw up during the Super Bowl. Note to the world's leading cosmologists (not to be confused with the world's leading cosmetologists): I'm willing to bet that the pure inspiration generated by McNabb's stirring team meeting is what actually caused the Big Bang. That energy traveled billions of years into the past and created the universe and ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT. Thank you, Donovan. Without you, there would be no kittens. And I love kittens.

Artist's rendition of McNabb's motivational speech to the Eagles.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: I don't care if Donovan McNabb stripped naked, doused himself in Campbell's Chunky Soup, lit himself on fire, and hurled himself down the stairs of the Philadelphia Art Museum in an attempt to inspire his team. No Westbrook means NO OFFENSE. Period. San Francisco takes this one.

Green Bay over Seattle: The Seahawks have to be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after what happened to them against the Giants last week. Matt Hasselbeck probably can't sleep without the lights on, and I'd be willing to bet that the defensive linemen still can't summon the courage to use a public restroom without covering the toilet seat with an entire roll of Saran Wrap and several layers of toilet tissue. Fortunately, they face a foe enfeebled by injuries and the complete lack of anything resembling a running game. And this is Mike Holmgren's last chance to win a revenge game against his former team. Although Seattle's D is a mess. Man, this game is going to be like watching two emaciated homeless men fight for a chicken bone. Gah. But I'll take Green Bay.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Yecch. I don't like EITHER of these teams. But I'm taking the Seahawks, because, well, I don't know. SIGH.

Basketbawful's record last week: 8-6

Season record: 29-15

Labels: Basketbawful versus futuremrsrickankiel, Gus Frerotte, Kyle Orton, meaningless stats, Weekly picks

Referee Ed Hochuli: The man who made the tuck rule famous flagged the Panthers' Julius Peppers for a roughing-the-passer penalty that negated Carolina's pick-six in the first quarter against Atlanta. What's more, Muscles claimed that Peppers delivered a helmet-to-helmet hit on Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan. Replays, however, showed not only that Peppers made contact as Ryan released the ball, but that he hit him first with his shoulder after which their helmets collided. Weird. I didn't think steroids affected eyesight.

This gaffe, of course, comes on the heels of the blown call that helped Denver notch a 39-38 comeback win over San Diego. I guess that mean's more "low grades" for Hochuli. Isn't it interesting, though, that so much dust is getting kicked up over two officiating mistakes? NFL officials blow or miss calls with alarming regularity, but when Hochuli does it, everybody freaks out. That's what happens when you overachieve: Your mistakes seem correspondingly huge. Which is sort of a sad commentary on our society...much like the extendable fork.

Michael Turner: The NFL's "leading rusher" had 56 yards on 18 attempts and no touchdowns. And I wasn't the least bit surprised. I told you how bad the Falcons were on the road and I asked why you hadn't traded Turner yet. Why didn't you listen to me? Why didn't you listen?! Hey, you're also growing a second evil head. You gonna pay attention to that?


Mike Martz: San Francisco pinata quarterback J.T. O'Sullivan got sacked six times, intercepted twice and lost a fumble. And while it might be tempting to blame O'Sullivan or even the 49ers offensive line, those numbers simply represent a typical day at the office for a Mike Martz QB (for details, see the collected works of Kurt Warner, Marc Bulger and John Kitna). By the way O'Sullivan has now been sacked 19 times in four games. Quick quiz: At some point this season, O'Sullivan will be carried off the field a) on a stretcher, b) in a wheelchair, c) in a bucket, d) in a casket, e) none of the above; he'll be buried at midfield during a stirring halftime ceremony.

Drew Brees: Brees -- the league leader in passing yards (1343), yards per game (335.8), and completion percentage (72.3) -- was again magnificent, throwing for 363 yards (23-for-35) and 3 touchdowns. But it's damn near impossible to figure out whom he's targeting from week to week. I mean, 101 yards for Lance Moore? Another 99 yards for Robert Meachum? And the would-be number one guy, David Patten, caught only one pass for 21 yards. Come on, Drew. Pick a primary receiver and stick with him. Fantasy teams all over the country may depend on it.

Kurt Warner: It seems almost unthinkable for a quarterback to throw for 472 yards (on 40 completions!) and 2 touchdowns and yet still end up in Worst of the Weekend. Unless, of course, that QB is Kurt "The Human Turnover" Warner. The Christian Kid undid all his accomplishments by getting sacked 5 times, tossing three picks, and losing three fumbles. That's like discovering a cure for your wife's cancer but then blindfolding her and sending her down a flight of stairs covered in banana peels.

But I should thank Kurt for helping prove me right. On Friday, I said: "If [the Cardinals and Jets] don't combine for 60-70 points and half a dozen turnovers, I'll be very sad." Well, they combined for 91 points and 8 turnovers. So in a way, the teams both exceeded and failed to live up to my expectations (if that makes any sense). And most of that is due to Kurt Warner. God bless you, sir.

New York's lack of class: Leading the hapless Cardinals 48-35, Brett Favre threw a touchdown pass -- his sixth of the game, a personal best -- with 1:54 left on the clock. Then they rubbed a little salt into the wound by for a two-point conversion. That's some bad juju right there. Remember what happened to the last team that challenged the Football Gods by running up scores? They suffered the greatest upset in Super Bowl history and then lost their QB to a catastrophic knee injury during the first quarter of the first game of the very next season. I'm just sayin'.

Even worse was how Jets safety Eric Smith almost killed Anquan Boldin with a helmet-to-helmet hit. Mind you, this happened with 34 seconds to go and the Jets holding an insurmountable lead. That's so not cool. But then again, I'm probably be inspired to play dirty if my team had forced me to wear this:


Aaron Rodgers: The man for whom Brett Favre -- who, in case you missed it, threw for 6 TDs yesterday -- was run out of town was sacked three times and threw three picks, the last of which ended up being the game-clincher. Oh, and he got his shoulder separated, so chances are he'll be out for a while. And this seems as good a time as any to mention that Favre holds NFL record with 257 consecutive starts...and counting. The lesson: Never, ever, ever ditch a legend who can still play.

Ryan Grant: Green Bay's problems weren't limited to their quarterback. Grant, who demanded that the Packers show him the money in the offseason, had 20 yards on 15 carries for a Cedric Benson-like 1.3 yards per carry. He also fumbled once as a reciever and once as a rusher, witht he rushing fumble getting run back for a Tampa Bay TD. I will now continue the Ced Benson analogy by presenting Grant's current stats for the season: 55 carries, 186 yards (3.4 yards per carry), zero touchdowns and two lost fumbles. Raise your hand if you took Grant in the first round of your fantasy league draft. Now go give yourself an atomic wedgie. You totally deserve it.

Brad Childress: During the second quarter of the Vikings-Titans game, Childress used a timeout to figure out whether to challenge the spot of a catch by Tennesse's Justin Gage (Gage appeared to lose the ball right before the whistle). Then, after talking it over with coaches, he threw the challenge flag. Bad news: The spot of the catch was upheld, and Childress lost a second timeout. Why waste a timeout when, in a worst-case scenario, you'll just lose a timeout anyway? How does that make sense? But keep in mind that this is the same guy who had to choose between starting Tavaris Jackson and Gus Frerotte at quarterback. Stands to reason that his brain's a little fried.

Trent Green: Let's see: 236 yards on 17-for-32 passing, two sacks, zero touchdowns, and an interception that was run back by Buffalo for the go-ahead touchdown. Yep, that was exactly what the Rams needed to turn things around. Sorry if I slopped some of that sarcasm on you. Things tend to get messy when discussing the Rams. On the bright side, yesterday was the first time this season that the Rams finished within 24 points of their opponent. So that's something.

Dallas Cowboys: It seems like only last week that the Cowboy's Tank Johnson was already looking ahead to the playoffs. Oh yeah, it was last week. Unfortunately for Dallas, the NFL still requires its teams to complete the regular season and win all their postseason games before receiving the Lombardi Trophy, no matter how good they looked over the first three games. Remember what happened to the Emperor after he prematurely celebrated his victory over the Rebels in Return of the Jedi? Allow me to remind you:


Terrell Owens: Wanna know why the Cowyboys lost the game? It certainly wasn't hubris of the fact that their defense got chewed up by Clinton Portis (121 yards on 21 rushes) and Jason Campbell (231 yards and 2 TDs). It was because Terrell Owens didn't touch the ball enough. No, really. Just ask Terrell Owens. "Everybody recognized that I wasn't really getting the ball in the first half. I'm pretty sure everybody watching the game recognized it, people in the stands recognized it, I think my team recognized it. I didn't quit. I kept fighting and trying to running my routes and trying to get open."

For the record, the Cowboys ran 58 offensive plays. Romo threw it to Owens 18 times and handed it off to him twice on end-arounds. But when somebody pointed that out to him and asked whether being almost 40 percent of the offense was enough, Owens replied: "I would say no. I'm a competitor, and I want the ball." He later threw a tantrum during Tony Romo's press conference, noting that the press wasn't asking him enough questions.

Second-half Kyle Orton: Orton was fantastic in the first half of the Eagles-Bears game, throwing for three TDs...which has to be an all-time record for a Chicago QB. But somebody -- I'm guessing it was Rex Grossman -- must have hit Orton's self-destruct button during halftime, because Krazy Kyle came out after the intermission and threw for only 25 yards, tossed a sloppy interception and coughed up the ball twice on fumbles. Fortunately for Orton and the Bears, Donovan McNabb wasn't much better (3 sacks, 1 interception) and the Eagles running game was a victim of evolution...which is probably why they couldn't convert second-and-goal, third-and-goal and fourth-and-goal -- all from the Bears' one-yard line -- with just over three minutes remaining. Hey, if your offense can't gain a yard in three tries with the game on the line, you don't deserve to win. A wag of the finger, mabye, but not a win.

Labels: Aaron Rodgers, Brad Childress, Dallas Cowboys, Ed Hochuli, Kurt Warner, Kyle Orton, Michael Turner, Mike Martz, New York Jets, NFC, Ryan Grant, Terrell Owens, Trent Green, Worst of the Weekend