The Atlanta Falcons: Their opponent, the Denver Broncos, has been smacked around by injuries this season the way Lindsay Lohan gets hit with flour bombs and slutty misadventures. On defense, Denver is without Champ Bailey and all three of their projected starters at linebacker. On offense, the wild horses have lost five running backs, four of which are out for the season, and therefore were forced to sign world-famous luggage burgler Tatum Bell. Didn't matter. The dirty birds still couldn't win...mostly because they couldn't stop Peyton Hillis (44 rushing yards, 2 TDs) -- I know, who?! -- and Jay Cutler, who carved them up in the fourth quarter. Rookie Matt Ryan finally looked like a rookie. He threw for 250 yards, but he tossed an interception and no touchdowns. Ryan also missed several open receivers and almost threw another pick that would have gone for 6 the other way if Jamie Winborn didn't have hands that are cold and made of stone. Said Ryan: "I wish I could've had a couple throws back." Me too, Matt. Me too. I started you on my fantasy team.
The Baltimore Ravens: I heard a lot of people picking the Ravens for an upset this week. The only thing upset were the stomaches of the Baltimore faithful, who were forced to helplessly watch as their team got chewed up for 207 yards on the ground. Mind you, going into this game, the Ravens led the league in rushing yards allowed (65.4), and no individual had rushed for 100 yards against them in 28 games. That second fact is still all factual and stuff, but Brandon Jacobs trampled over them for 73 yards in the first half before banging his knee. Jacobs had only two carries in the second half, but Ahmad Bradshaw picked up the slack with 96 yards, 77 of which came on one run. Earlier this week, Ravens defensive tackle Haloti Ngata said: "You've got to believe what you're saying, and we believe we can stop anybody." I guess sometimes it takes more than irrational belief in yourself to get a stop, huh?
The lesson: You probably shouldn't put too much faith in a team that fattens up its record on the likes of the Browns, Bengals, Raiders, Dolphins and Texans.
Jake Delhomme: Huh. 98 yards and a touchdown. Whatever. Man, I've been hanging onto this guy all season, waiting for him to start blowing it up on offense. He's got the line. He's got the stud receiver. He's healthy. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, JAKE?!
The Detroit
Rod Marinelli, quote machine: After the loss -- their 10th in 10 games on the season -- the Detroit coach said in what I'm guessing was a slightly manic voice: "Have we failed? Yes. Have I failed? Yes. Am I going to give up? No way. Am I discouraged? No way. I'm not." I'll go ahead and assume he then broke down and cried in his hands.
Jonathan Stewert, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "We've just got to keep pounding the ball." You go, Jonathan. Pound those balls. Pound 'em.
The Chicago Bears: Kyle Orton was back, which meant Rex Grossman could be returned safely to that lonely spot at the end of the bench from whence he came. But, stunningly, Chicago played even worse than they did last week. The Bears -- who continually find new ways to disappoint and dishearten their fans -- decided to toss out the "Commit to stop the run at the expense of giving up the pass" script in favor of a revised "Give up both the pass and the run" strategy. Ryan Grant came out of his 10-game coma to run for a season-high 145 yards and a touchdown, and Aaron Rodgers completed 22 passes for 227 yards and 2 TDs. "They ran it, they threw it," Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher said. "They did whatever they wanted to do." Indeed they did, Brian. Indeed they did.
Kyle Orton: It sure looked like Kyle came back too soon. He was 13-for-26 for 133 yards. He didn't throw a touchdown. He completed only two passes to wide receivers. He got sacked and fumbled the ball, which was returned 54 yards for a TD by Jason Hunter. And then he was replaced by Rex Grossman...who finished with a better QB rating. It really doesn't get much worse than that. Said Orton: "I stunk it up." Yup. Pretty much.
Aaron Kampman: The Packers defensive end took a shot at Orton's injured ankle in the first quarter, and Kyle could be seem limping on and off afterward. I'm sorry, but that's dirty. You watch yourself, Aaron. If you blow out a knee or something, that's just karma saying, "Hi there! Gotcha!"
Ryan Grant, quote machine: "We're the champions until somebody takes it to us." Uhm, uh, uhm, wha...? I'm sorry, but an underachieving running back on a 5-5 squad that won the craptastic NFC North last season should probably check his ego and megalomaniacal statements at the door.
Vikings versus Buccaneers: Watching this game was like watching two homeless men fight over a half-eaten roast beef sandwich. I felt guilty and kind of hated myself for sitting through it.
Chester Taylor: He touched the ball only seven times -- 5 rushes for 11 yards and 2 receptions for 15 yards -- but still managed to lose two fumbles, one as a runner and one as a receiver. Way to sabotage your team, Chester.
The St. Louis Rams: Well, last week they trailed by 40 points at halftime. This week, they were behind by only 32 points. That's an 8-point improvement! It's all about baby steps...right?
Wrong. This team just kicked Detroit in the proverbial groin and is running off with the mantle of "Worst Team In The League." Seriously, I look at those two wins the Rams got a few weeks back and I wonder, "How the hell did THAT happen?" It's the same way I feel every time I see Hot Chicks With Douchbags. I mean, at least the Zeroes had a lead this week, and the Sad Tigers managed a tie against the Eagles. How is it even possible for a team to be this bad? Said QB Marc Bulger: "We were well-prepared schematically. We just didn't execute." Oh, you executed, all right. You're killing football in St. Louis. That's execution if I've ever seen it.
The Arizona Cardinals: I know, I know. The red birds are 7-3 for the first time since 1977, when they were in St. Louis, and they can clinch their first division title since 1975 next week. But take a look back on the last two weeks and you'll see cause for worry. Despite the fact that Kurt Warner threw for almost 800 yards and 4 TDs in those two games, it took a goal line stand on the game's final play to beat a terrible 49ers team in Arizona and they let an equally abysmal Seahawks team storm back from a 26-7 fourth quarter deficit and almost win the game. That is not instilling me with confidence. I mean, they outgained the 'Hawks 471-213 and held the ball for almost 10 more minutes. The final score should not have been anywhere near as close as 26-20.
Labels: Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions, Minnesota Vikings, Tampa Bay Bucaneers, Worst of the Weekend
Panthers over Falcons: The Falcons have looked amazing this season. At home. Against the Lions and Chiefs. On the road against Tampa? Not so much. Michael Turner -- who leads the NFL in rushing with 366 yards and 5 touchdowns -- gained 42 yards on 14 attempts against the Bucs, and Matt Ryan completed only 13 of his 33 passes for 158 yards and two interceptions. But you know what? Those are nothing but meaningful numbers. Forget them and listen to my gut. It's saying, "This is Jake Delhomme's comeback week. Take the Panthers. Now get me some Taco Bell, stat."
futuremrsrickankiel sez: The NFC South is shaping up to be one of the toughest divisions in the league this year, and this epic battle of So White It Pains Me quarterbacks may turn out to be indicative of who holds on down the stretch. Here's a hint: It's going to be the Panthers. Jake Delhomme may fluctuate wildly between atrocious and mediocre, but he's got so many more options on offense than Matt Ryan that it really doesn't seem fair. Ooh ooh, but the Falcons have Roddy White! Yeah, and I've got a half-eaten bagel. Wanna trade?
Saints over 49ers: If you're a fan of defenseless shootouts, this game is for you. I bet Mike Martz has been walking funny all week, what with the giant, throbbing erection he's probably sporting. By the way, Mike, men experiencing an erection lasting longer than four hours may die of Elevated Penis Syndrome. Just thought you should know. Sidenote: This may be the week that J.T. O'Sullivan's fantasy stock goes through the roof. My advice: Buy low, sell high.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: I'll be frank: I don't have balls. I'm a chick. However, picking the 'Niners to win this is as close as I'll come this week. (I'm on the waiting list at a clinic in Thailand, but airfare is just so EXPENSIVE these days.) It's not so much that I think San Francisco is a better team as it is that I think the Saints simply excel at finding ways to lose. Blame Martin Gramatica for last week all you want, but the truth is that if he hadn't stepped up, someone else would have. Should you desire mathematical proof:
SFO = Frank Gore
NO = Reggie Bush
Frank Gore = monster
Reggie Bush = little bitch
monster > little bitch
SFO > NO
Jets over Cardinals: I'm officially instituting a "Don't take the Cardinals on the road rule" until they win two road games in a row. Which is essentially the same as saying "forever and ever and ever until infinity times two." Still, there's just enough offensive and defensive ineptitude between these two teams to make this a pretty exciting game. If they don't combine for 60-70 points and half a dozen turnovers, I'll be very sad. Which will be a familiar feeling while watching these teams play.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: Again: Do not write Brett Favre off just because it's easy. I say J-E-T-S all day, as much as I wanted to like the Cards this season. Also, please note that even if the combined score is 70, it still won't be as high as the combined age of these two starting QBs.
Packers over Buccaneers: After watching Brian Griese machine-gun the Bears with 67 pass attempts last Sunday, I became a believer. But my belief is that the Bucs are in big trouble, because that is not a formula for success. Neither is drowning during your own publicity stunt, for that matter. Memo to Ryan Grant: You are absolutely killing fantasy teams across the country. That is all.
futuremrsrickankiel sez:While I am 100% sure that Griese will not continue to be as awesome as he was against the Bears last week, I'm, like, 110% sure that the Green Bay secondary is a total mess and will do nothing to stop the Bucs' passing game. Note to self: Start Ike Hilliard.
Cowboys over Redskins: It's a modern day game of Cowboys and Injuns. And we all know how that turned out, don't we? [shudders] Meanwhile, there's only been three weeks of NFL action and yet the 'Boys are looking ahead. Way ahead. To January. According to defensive tackle Tank Johnson: "We're slowly starting to jell and that's huge as we get farther along in the season. That's what the regular season is for, jellin' for the postseason." Hey, Tank. I'm jellin'. Are you jellin'? P.S. There are 13 regular season games left. Slow down and enjoy the ride. And, uh, don't shoot.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: Dallas demonstrated decisively (damn!) last week that if you shut down their passing game, they'll just let MBIII and Felix Jones go freak-nasty on your ass and mop the floor with you anyway. Washington's defense is good, yes, but their offense is far too dependent on Santana Moss for me to think they'll pull this one out. Just... something about the whole "injury-prone midget" thing makes me nervous, you know?
Eagles over Bears: Do you suppose Kyle Orton has been wetting his bed all week? I would be if I were him, based on what the Philly defense did to Ben Roethlisberger last week. He's probably been jumping at shadows wherever he goes. Kind of like, well, the people who work with Terry Tate...
futuremrsrickankiel sez: Darling, I know you're going to get your knickers all up in a knot about this pick, but Brian Westbrook and Donovan McNabb are both questionable for this weekend and surely won't be playing their best even if they do play. It's all in your hands, DeSean! And we all know what that means.
Bills over Rams: The Trent Green Era: Part II begins this weekend in St. Lous, and it's giving me a serious case of the cold chills. Mostly because we might actually see Green get killed on live TV. This man has a history. A bad history. What's Scott Linehan thinking?! I mean, the way the Rams' offensive line has been playing, that's like covering a man in chum and dropping him into the middle of a feeding frenzy without a cage or even one of those mesh anti-shark suits. I hope Trent's family has a eulogy ready, that's all I'm saying.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: Oh, FINE. But if the Bills win the AFC East, I am quitting this website.
Basketbawful's Week 3 Record: 12-4
Labels: Arizona Cardinals, Buffalo Bills, Chicago Bears, Dallas Cowboys, Green Bay Packers, New York Jets, NFC picks, Philadelphia Eagles, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Bucaneers, Washington Redskins
The St Louis Ram's Offensive Line: It's like they aren't even trying. Unless they're trying to suck, that is. Stephen Jackson has rushed for only 93 yards and no touchdowns in the Ram's first two games...mostly because it's hard to squeeze a 6'2", 230-pound man through a Mini-Me-sized gap. Marc Bulger has been sacked 10 times already, with six of those sacks coming yesterday against the Giants. And Marc will be the first to tell you that it's hard to throw accurate passes from your ass. As Rams tight end Randy McMichael said: "Our quarterback can't be a pinata." (Although wouldn't it be pretty sweet if delicious candy exploded out of him every time he got sacked this season? But I digress...) Oh, and you know how many sojourns the Rams have made into the Red Zone so far this season? Zero. Same as me. Of course, it hasn't helped matters that the defense can't stop anybody: The Ram have given up 38 and 41 points, respectively. Perpetually playing from behind rarely makes an offense run smoothly.
Tampa Bay's quarterback battle: Brian Griese "won" the starting job from Jeff Garcia by throwing for 160 yards (18-for-31) and a touchdown in the Bucs' 24-9 win over the Atlanta Falcons. (Can we just stamp "Game Manager" on Brian's forehead and get it over with?) It was the most furious quarterback competition since, uhm, Kyle Orton versus Rex Grossman. Wah-wah-waaaaaaaah! And that should tell you everything you need to know about Tampa Bay's chances this season. Sidenote: The ESPN sportsticker indicated that the Bucs had inquired as to whether the 49ers were interested in acquiring Garcia for roughly 10 cents on the dollar. The answer was and emphatic "Bwahahahahahahaha...uh, no."
Matt Ryan: Here's a quick note to fantasy football team owners everywhere: If you have a Falcons receiver on your roster, drop him like he's got Ebola. Matt played reasonably well in Week 1, but then, who doesn't play well against Detroit? Against Tampa's, ahem, slightly more aggressive defense, Ryan completed only 39 percent of his passes (13-for-33), was intercepted twice, got sacked four times, and finished with a QB rating of 29.6. Moreover, he misfired on his first nine passes, one of which led directly to a Tampa Bay touchdown. But Ryan was strangely confident after the game: "Obviously, you don't want to start 0-for-9 and throw two interceptions. But you've got to keep battling. Everybody on our team did that. You've got to love that." Here's something you won't love, Ryan: Atlanta doesn't have any more games against the Lions this season.
Fantasy hangover, Part I: Remember Michael Turner's 220-yard, three-TD effort last week? Yeah, you can officially consider that a one-game abberation. This week, he ran for 42 yards on 14 attempts and scored zero times. Yup. that's about right. He was LT's backup for a reason, folks.
The Seattle Seahawks: Is there a Seattle sports curse I don't know about? Months after having the SuperSonics cruelly taken from them by evil-incarnate Clay Bennett, the denizens of "Rain City" were forced to watch their struggling Seahawks fall to 0-2 for the first time since 2002. In overtime. To the San Francisco 49ers. Despite forcing three turnovers and sacking Niners QB J.T. O'Sullivan eight times. How desperate had things gotten for the 'Hawks? Already missing their top four receivers, they had been grooming Seneca Wallace -- the teams backup quarterback -- to catch passes all week in practice. Then Wallace injured his groin during pregame warmups. Oh, and during the game, Logan Payne, who was starting at WR by default, went down with a torn knee ligament in the first quarter on his only reception. Yeah. It's going to be that kind of season in Seattle.
San Francisco's offensive line: Did I mention that their QB got sacked eight times?! Also, Frank Gore only managed 61 rushing yards on his 19 attempts. Maybe they should put up one of those rope barriers they use to keep people in line outside of fancy nightclubs. That would probably provide sturdier protection than the Niner O-line.
Joe Nedney, quote machine: Ned the Destroyer sunk the Seahawks with a 40-yard field goal 4:40 into overtime, after which he said: "There's nothing louder than 67,000 people dead silent." What about a mouse peeing on cotton? Is that louder?
The Aaron Rodgers Love-Fest: Rodgers had a fantastic outing yesterday: 328 yards (24-for-38), three touchdowns (with no interceptions) and a QB rating of 117.0. And, based on the media explosion out of the greater Green Bay area, you would think he was the second coming of, well, Brett Favre. But to put things into perspective, he did it against the Detroit Lions. You know, the team that allowed Matt Ryan (see above) throw a touchdown on his very first NFL pass ever. My 12-year-old niece could probably throw for 200 yards against Detroit. And yes, he was solid against the Vikings last week -- 178 yards, 1 touchdown, no interceptions -- but Minny was the second-worst team in the NFL against the pass last season, and it doesn't look like they've improved all that much (Peyton Manning threw for 300 yards against them yesterday without an offensive line).
Look, I understand there's still a lot of Favre residue in Green Bay. But can we please, please, pretty-please let Rodgers establish an actual body of work before we come to any conclusions about him. And, while we're at it, can we somehow legislate that the announcers of all future Green Bay games are forbidden to mention the words "Brett" and "Favre" on pain of death? And I mean a grisly, testicles-in-the-paper-shredder kind of death. That would be awesome, thanks.
The Detroit Lions: Oh good God. This Lions team may very well give last year's 1-15 Dolphins team a run for its money. One week after getting skewered by Matt Ryan and Michael Turner, they made Aaron Rodgers (see above) and Greg Jennings (6 receptions, 167 yards) look like first-ballot Hall of Famers. They've already given up 82 points so far this season and a quick look at their schedule provides grim tidings: If they can't come through at San Francisco next week or at Houston in Week 7, they could very well lose every single game this season. No, seriously. Every. Single. Game.
John Kitna: As awful as the Lions are as a team, Kitna was bad enough yesterday to warrant individual mention. His 276 yards and 2 touchdowns might have helped whatever poor schmucks might have started him on their fantasy squads this week, but he killed the Lions chances yesterday by standing statue-like in the pocket (leading to five sacks) and throwing three straight fourth quarter interceptions, the last two of which were run back for touchdowns by the Green Bay defense. As Kitna himself put it: "Unfortunately when we needed it the most, I didn't get the job done." True, John, but it was a little worse than that. You didn't just fail to help the little old lady across the street...you pushed her in front of the speeding Mazda.
Lance Briggs: The Bears were leading the Panthers 17-3 in Carolina when Lance Briggs leveled Jake Delhomme with a shoulder-to-helmet hit. No penalty was called, and Panther safety Chris Harris was pissed. "I gathered everybody up and told them, 'Hey, we aren't going to take that. I felt it should have been a penalty but it wasn't. I told them we're not taking it. It turned into more than a game at that. Guys were upset. After that, we got after it." They sure did. Harris forced a fumble on Chicago's next possession, and it led to Jonathan Stewart's first NFL touchdown. From that point, the Bears got beaten up and intimidated into a 20-17 come-from-ahead loss. Thanks for that, Lance. Maybe you should try insulting their moms next time, too.
Greg Olsen: It wasn't all Briggs' fault, though. Chicago's second-year tight end caught only two passes...and he fumbled them both away. The first fumble cost the Bears a scoring opportunity (they were already in field goal range) and the second, as noted, led to the first of Carolina's comeback touchdowns. Said Olsen: "Anytime you have two critical errors that lead to your team losing, it's tough to swallow." I hope you choke on that bitter pill, Greg.
The New Orleans Saints defense: Their offense had given them a 9-point lead going into the fourth quarter, and they couldn't hold onto it. Partly because Clinton Portis ran them into the ground (96 yards, two TDs), but mostly because they let Jason Campbell channel his inner Peyton Manning: 321 yards (24-for-36), a touchdown, and a QB rating of 104.1. Those are slightly better than his career numbers of 202.3 YPG and 78.8 QBRat. And for the record, that TD came on a 67-yard pass to Santana Moss with 3:29 remaining. And yes, that was the winning score.
Jeremy Shockey: Hey, New Orleans WR Marques Colston is out, so Shockey's gonna pick up the slack, right?! Bzzzzzzzt!! Wrong. The Shockmaster caught only two passes all game, one of which he fumbled away with the Saints in position to score. Hasn't anybody else noticed how much better Eli Manning plays without this guy around? There's a reason for that.
Reggie Bush, the running back: Yes, I know he's a great all-purpose back. He caught seven passes and returned a punt 55 yards for a touchdown. But 10 rushes for 28 yards?! Yikes. No wonder the Saints were talking to Cedric Benson a week or so ago. Yes, that Cedric Benson.
The Indianapolis Colts offensive line: Do they miss Jeff Saturday and Tony Ugoh? You bet they do. In two games, Joseph Addai has carried the ball 27 times for only 64 yards, and Peyton Manning is getting hit and harrassed like he's the practice dummy at a pimp-slap contest. Indy isn't going to go very far this season until they spackle up the holes in their line.
Minnesota Vikings: Adrian Peterson rushed for 118 of his 160 yards in the first half, leading the Vikes into Colts territory on his team's first eight possessions. The result? Five field goals and three punts. Still, the Minnesota defense was beating the stuffing out of Peyton Manning -- thanks to the Colts' aforementioned offensive line woes -- and the Vikings led 15-0 with a couple minutes left in the third quarter. Then everything came undone. Turns out Tavaris Jackson still can't, you know, throw the football, and the Colts scored 18 unanswered points to win the game. The Vikings, who were predicted to win their division, are now in an 0-2 hole with a touch home game next week (against Carolina) and three stiff road tests coming up (against Tennesee, New Orleans and Chicago). Assuming they can beat Detroit in Week 6, they could very well be 1-6 heading into their bye in Week 8. Which would pretty much mean season over.
Tavaris Jackson: I know I alluded to this above, but Jackson threw for 130 yards. And Bernard Berrian, who caught zero passes, found himself missing the hell out of Rex Grossman. And that's not good. Said Berrian: "It's real frustrating. It's kind of embarrassing, actually, to go out there and just have field goals all day." That crunching sound you hear? It's the bus rolling over Mr. Jackson, who replied with: "You can get mad, throw a chair, whatever. It really doesn't matter. We've just got to go out there and execute." If by "We" you mean "me," then I absolutely agree. Vince Young, Tavaris Jackson, JaMarcus Russell...aren't those mobile quarterbacks something!
Labels: Aaron Rodgers, Chicago Bears, Green Bay Packers, NFC, San Fancisco 49ers, Seattle Seahawks, St. Louis Rams, Tampa Bay Bucaneers, Worst of the Weekend
Word of the Day
Previous Posts
The AFC divisional playoffs: Duck and coverThe NFC Divisional Playoffs: A Tale in Two Acts
Worst of the Final Weekend (of the regular season)
Panthers/Giants: Hot Live Action!
Weekend Worsties: Awful Football Conference
The NFC's weekend pooperpalooza
Weekend crapercize: AFC bawfulness
NFC Week 13: The Search for Redemption
The Black Friday Bowl of Bawful
Pigskin on Turkey Day: Your All-Vegan Live Post
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