So, this year's Super Bowl champ is going to be one of the following teams: The Cardinsls, Eagles, Ravens or Steelers. If that isn't a sign of an impending apocalypse, what would be? Waking up and finding out that Satan had just sexed up your grandma and was currently taking an evil dump in your toilet? All I'm saying is that, when the explosions start and fire and brimstone begin falling from the sky...duck and cover, kiddies. Duck and cover.
The Tennessee Titans: So...remember the Titans? They were the proud owners of the best regular season record in football. Now? They've gone a fishin'. So I guess the best record isn't that important after all. In fact, it hasn't been since 2004 when the Patriots went 14-2 and beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl. Since then, winning the regular season has been more curse than blessing. Sort of like being named President of the N'Sync Fan Club. To wit: Sometimes with great power comes great shame and personal disappointment.
But I digress. Based on some key stats, the Titans dominated their matchup with the Ravens. They almost doubled-up on Baltimore in total yards (391-211) and had 12 more first downs (21-9). They rushed for 116 yards to 50 for the Ravens and also owned the time of possession (34:07 to 25:53). Kerry Collins threw for 120 more yards than rookie upstart Joe Flacco. (281-161). So...what happened? Mistakes. Tennessee made 'em, Baltimore didn't. Fact is, the Titans -- who were plus-14 in turnover differential during their first 16 games -- blundered away multiple scoring opportunities. There were fumbles (five of them, two of which were lost, including LenDale White's butterball at the Baltimore 17 at the end of the first half). There was an interception (by Samari Rolle at the Ravens 12). There was that bungled fourth down conversion in the second quarter when Kerry Collins and center Leroy Harris -- who was only in because Kevin Mawae was out with an elbow injury -- miscommunicated on the shotgun snap. That play murderated a drive that had reached the Ravens' 30. And let's not forget how Rob Bironas shanked a 51-yard field goal attempt halfway through the third quarter despite having the wind at his back. White, Collins and Bironas: The Three Stooges of Fail.
I guess that, no matter what your record is, having lost three of your last four games can be a momentum killer. (For those questioning my mad math skillz: Those games against the Browns and Lions didn't count as wins. They barely counted as scrimmages.) Oh, and bye weeks make teams sloppy.
Keith Bulluck -- who went all "Incredible Hulk" after the game by smacking around some small metal barriers lining the tunnel leading to the Titans' locker room -- said: "It's a little shocking. You go out and play defense the way you did. At the end of the day, realistically you have two, three turnovers inside the 20, you're not supposed to win. Playoff football, those are the mistakes you can't have as a team.
So does this stinging playoff loss reduce to nil the team's NFL-best 13-3 record, a defense that ranked second in points allowed and a franchise-record 12 sacks allowed? Pretty much, yeah. Added Bulluck: "To be part of the nucleus of that 13-3 team was fun, but it's empty because I'm one who knows it doesn't really matter what you do in the regular season. The whole goal is to get in the playoffs. We had our one-and-done, which is unfortunate. When you're there, that's why you have to make the most of it. You have to realize how important it is."
The San Diego Chargers: You have to (but not really) admire the plucky spirit that allowed them to BOLT their way to an 8-8 record and eke out a
Darren Sproles -- who got lots of "Sproles is better than Tomlinson, so maybe the Chargers should build their running game around him" play after lighting the Colts' notoriously porous defense for a gazillion yards -- was held to 15 yards on 11 rushing attempts. (And 8 of those yards came on a single rush. You can do the math on your own, but I'll go ahead and tell you that he didn't get very far on those other 10 runs. I'd also like to point out that Sproles was playing for a new contract, which for a professional athlete is like touching one of those invincibility stars in Super Mario Brothers.) The Chargers revived defense got run over by Willie Parker, who had a season-high 146 yards and 2 touchdowns. And the Steelers' offense, which ranks closer to the bottom of the league than the top, lit up for 35 points thanks, in part, to Santonio Holmes' 67-yard punt return for a touchdown that tied the game at 7-all in the first quarter. This might be a good time to note that Pittsburgh is one of the worst return teams in the league, and Holmes' TD was their first score on a punt return December 17, 2006.
And then there was San Diego's Third Quarter of Doom. During that brutal 15-minute stretch, the Bolts spent 17 seconds in possession of the pigskin, as compared to 14 minutes and 43 seconds for the Steelers. And what happened in those 17 disastrous seconds? Well, Rivers threw an interception on first down from the Pittsburgh 23 and a Steelers punt bounced off Eric Weddle's helmet...and the Steelers recovered.
Said Phillip Rivers: "We were standing on the sideline and it was like, 'We were in for one play in the quarter and it was an interception.' There was a little bit of disbelief. You can't call it a fluke, those guys made plays, but that was crazy." So is learning about the past by studying ancient bird poop...but it happens, apparently. Dogs. Cats. Living together. Mass hysteria.
But despite the fact that they were outplayed on offense, defense and special teams, Chargers coach Norv Turner -- who, seriously, should have been fired half a season ago at least -- wants you to believe that his team barely lost. "I don't know that I've been in a game that was so significantly affected by two or three plays." I might believe that if Turner was an extra-dimensional being attending his very first American football game. But c'mon, Norv, really? Almost every football game that isn't one of those "wheels come flying off" type of disasters comes down to two or three plays. Just ask the Colts. (Only replace "plays" with "bogus calls" or "home cooking.")
In the final analysis, though, Phillip Rivers wants you to know that the blame for their substandard season and playoff flameout shouldn't fall on the shoulders of the coach or the players. Rather, it should be distributetd equally among the fans and experts who before the season started dreaming Super Bowl dreams about a talented and highly paid squad of underachievers. "It was like crowd noise being pumped in. It was overdoing it, and we had yet to play a game and you're talking about a game that's going to be played February 1. Ultimately we can do a better job of understanding you've got to win in September and win in October. You're not going to win the game on February 1 until February 1. It's a long season." He's grown very wise, has this one. The Jedi ghosts must be so proud.
Labels: AFC, duck and cover kiddies
1. The Cincinnati Bengals.
Hooray for Cincy! Not only did they finally win a game to end their 0-8 season-opening Sucktour 2K8, but they're on a bye this week, which means that they will get to go TWO WHOLE WEEKENDS (!) without a loss (before getting shredded like so much lettuce in a taco bar by the Philly pass rush in Week 11, that is). That's enough to bump these Bengals to the actual #1 spot on these power rankings, rather than continuing to drift around at -27 or i or whatever absurd-yet-appropriate ranking I'd previously assigned them. Congratulations, Bengals. Your ineptitude can now be quantified within the plane of reality. Progress!
2. The Oakland Raiders. Meanwhile, as the Bengals take tottering baby steps towards relevance, the Raiders continue to drift ever downwards in the ranks of the AFC... or, in this case, drift upwards. Kind of like a dead goldfish. In a Token Move Designed to Show Something Other Than Soul-Crushing Apathy Without Actually Doing Anything Constructive For The Team, Oakland waived egomaniacal cornerback DeAngelo Hall this week just months after signing him to a $70 million contract. Enjoy catching 5 touchdown passes this weekend, Steve Smith. Oh, and enjoy your new status as Worst Offense in the League (13.4 points per game), Oakland. Party hats all around!
3. The Kansas City Chiefs. It's sad that every time I think of the Kansas City Chiefs, my mind immediately jumps to that Dane Cook sketch where the guy calls him "chief". (No, I will not embed, because fuck Dane Cook.) It's even sadder that, as soon as I make the mental connection, I think to myself, "Yep, I'd rather sit through a Dane Cook standup special than watch a Chiefs game."
4. The Jacksonville Jaguars. As I've said repeatedly in the past, I do think that the 2008 Jaguars are one of those ferociously, dedicatedly mediocre teams that will finish the season at an even 8-8 after toying with their fans' emotions all season. Given this categorization, it may seem odd that I'm remorselessly relegating the Jaguars to the uppermost quadrant of the Ranks of Suck. There's a pretty simple reason for that, though: The Jaguars have now lost to both the Browns and the Bengals. That's like getting beaten up by Rod and Todd Flanders.
Sorry, JAX: that's just plain inexcusable. 8-8 is looking more and more like an unattainable dream and less like merely a benchmark for borderline competence with every passing weekend.
5. The Houston Texans. Houston's offense remains pretty awesome, with the 5th-ranked passing game and the 4th overall yards gained in the league. However, they're still letting opponents outscore them 26.6-24.5 on average each week. With Matt Schaub out for at least two weeks thanks to a torn MCL, I'd say the Texans' brief flirtation with relevance is on its way out the door. Sure, they'll send it a drunk text message or two before the season's done, but really: it's over.
6. The San Diego Chargers. In Week 6, the Chargers mowed down the struggling Patriots for a dominant 30-10 victory and a 3-3 record. Two losses and a bye week later, the Chargers now sit at 3-5 and have the league's worst pass defense. Moreover, NFL.com is tagging them with headlines like "Chargers say 'good' to bye." Oh, the humanity! Honestly, I think the Chargers are due for a few more wins soon, especially if Antonio Cromartie can get healthy: they've managed a 3rd-in-the-league 28.0 points per game while allowing 24.9 per game, after all.
Still, for now the Chargers have done nothing of note other than "be worse than the Broncos." Sucks for them.
7. The Denver Broncos. The Denver Broncos, this year's chic pick for AFC Juggernaut after about 4 weeks of play, have virtually the same statistics as the Houston Texans (this year's chic pick for Team Whose Jerseys I Wouldn't Blow My Nose With) after 9 weeks of play. And that, my friends, is all you need to know -- apart from the fact that Denver is still leading the AFC West, which is depressing in ways I can't even begin to describe.
8. The Cleveland Browns. Hot damn! The Browns have actually managed to slip to the midway point between Irredeemably Awful and Temporarily Competent on these fine rankings. Not only have they (somehow) managed to attain the same record as the Chargers and the Jaguars, two teams most considered surefire playoffs contenders coming into the season, but they've finally showed signs of actually giving a shit by benching Derek Anderson and his 68.9 passer rating in favor of studly former Irish QB Brady Quinn, who's yet to make a start for Cleveland since being drafted over a year ago.
Will this be enough to turn the Browns around? Not clear (probably not), but at least it'll shake things up a bit as the Browns take the field tonight... yes, TONIGHT. Why? Because it's FLEX SCHEDULING TIME BABY WOO!
Flex scheduling is great, because it means we'll no longer be subject to national broadcasts of shitfests like Seattle/San Francisco on Sunday nights while coverage of the division-leading Cardinals vs. the mega-awesome Panthers is limited to old people in Phoenix and the 3 people in South Carolina that can afford cable. The arrival of flex scheduling is also great because it means that Thursday Night Football has also begun. This, in turn, means that you can now spend your Thursday nights driving around until you find a bar that has the NFL Network, since like 25 people actually get the NFL Network. (I'm one of them. Suckers.) Hooray for programming gimmicks! Anyway, be sure and tune in tonight for a spectacular battle between two AFC teams that are almost certainly going to end the season under .500 as the Browns take on the Denver Broncos. Too bad flex scheduling only applies to the Sunday games. Yeesh.
9. The Miami Dolphins. Two wins in a row, including a surprising divisional win over Buffalo, were enough to give these Dolphins a 4-4 record, which, sadly, still makes them the odd man out in the 5-3 party that is the AFC East. Chad Pennington is playing his best season since his first season as a starter for the Jets in 2002 with a 95.2 overall passer rating and nearly a touchdown per game, but the bottom line is that these Dolphins are going to need significantly more than a couple of trick offensive formations up their sleeves if they're going do anything of note in this division.
10. The Indianapolis Colts. A reading from the book of Johnny Unitas. Ahem.
nd the Lord looked down from the heavens and spake thusly: "Be it known, my people, that I am a just God who smiles down on my prophet Peyton Manning, and shall deliver him from the ignominy of a losing record. However, know ye also that no team who cannot stop the run shall triumph in a division that containeth Chris Johnson. My Will be done."
11. The New York Jets. Whatever.
12. The New England Patriots. "ZOMG HOW CAN YOU RANK THE PATRIOTS BETTER THAN THE COLTS THEY JUST LOST TO THE COLTS!" Because it's my goddamn blog, that's how. Shut up. We just signed Jason Webster! It's going to be great!
13. The Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens are on a 3-game win streak with a 5-3 record, one of the league's most impenetrable defenses, and a running game that's starting to look pretty impressive. I mean.
14. The Buffalo Bills. Back-to-back losses against division rivals Miami and New York served to pretty handily pop the Trent Edwards bubble (rugged, square-jawed, effortlessly handsome bubble that it was). Still, the Bills are 5-3 and Lee Evans and Marshawn Lynch continue to be threats on offense. It's not clear how much longer these Bills will be The Team To Beat in the AFC East, but for now, here they are. Wooo.
15. The Pittsburgh Steelers. A show of hands, now: Who'd have thought that Byron Leftwich would be the solution to the Steelers' offensive woes? [scans room for hands] Right. Umm, can you come with me next time I buy lottery tickets? Great. I'll pick you up at 8. Oh, and your Steelers are now 6-2.
16. The Tennessee Titans. 24.9 points scored per game really isn't much in the way of "dominant" or "earth-shattering" or even "really good." When you're only allowing 12.9 per game, though? You can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. Enjoy being undefeated, Titans. Speaking from experience: it's an amazing ride while it lasts. Sigh.
Hooray for Cincy! Not only did they finally win a game to end their 0-8 season-opening Sucktour 2K8, but they're on a bye this week, which means that they will get to go TWO WHOLE WEEKENDS (!) without a loss (before getting shredded like so much lettuce in a taco bar by the Philly pass rush in Week 11, that is). That's enough to bump these Bengals to the actual #1 spot on these power rankings, rather than continuing to drift around at -27 or i or whatever absurd-yet-appropriate ranking I'd previously assigned them. Congratulations, Bengals. Your ineptitude can now be quantified within the plane of reality. Progress!
2. The Oakland Raiders. Meanwhile, as the Bengals take tottering baby steps towards relevance, the Raiders continue to drift ever downwards in the ranks of the AFC... or, in this case, drift upwards. Kind of like a dead goldfish. In a Token Move Designed to Show Something Other Than Soul-Crushing Apathy Without Actually Doing Anything Constructive For The Team, Oakland waived egomaniacal cornerback DeAngelo Hall this week just months after signing him to a $70 million contract. Enjoy catching 5 touchdown passes this weekend, Steve Smith. Oh, and enjoy your new status as Worst Offense in the League (13.4 points per game), Oakland. Party hats all around!
3. The Kansas City Chiefs. It's sad that every time I think of the Kansas City Chiefs, my mind immediately jumps to that Dane Cook sketch where the guy calls him "chief". (No, I will not embed, because fuck Dane Cook.) It's even sadder that, as soon as I make the mental connection, I think to myself, "Yep, I'd rather sit through a Dane Cook standup special than watch a Chiefs game."
4. The Jacksonville Jaguars. As I've said repeatedly in the past, I do think that the 2008 Jaguars are one of those ferociously, dedicatedly mediocre teams that will finish the season at an even 8-8 after toying with their fans' emotions all season. Given this categorization, it may seem odd that I'm remorselessly relegating the Jaguars to the uppermost quadrant of the Ranks of Suck. There's a pretty simple reason for that, though: The Jaguars have now lost to both the Browns and the Bengals. That's like getting beaten up by Rod and Todd Flanders.
Sorry, JAX: that's just plain inexcusable. 8-8 is looking more and more like an unattainable dream and less like merely a benchmark for borderline competence with every passing weekend.
5. The Houston Texans. Houston's offense remains pretty awesome, with the 5th-ranked passing game and the 4th overall yards gained in the league. However, they're still letting opponents outscore them 26.6-24.5 on average each week. With Matt Schaub out for at least two weeks thanks to a torn MCL, I'd say the Texans' brief flirtation with relevance is on its way out the door. Sure, they'll send it a drunk text message or two before the season's done, but really: it's over.
6. The San Diego Chargers. In Week 6, the Chargers mowed down the struggling Patriots for a dominant 30-10 victory and a 3-3 record. Two losses and a bye week later, the Chargers now sit at 3-5 and have the league's worst pass defense. Moreover, NFL.com is tagging them with headlines like "Chargers say 'good' to bye." Oh, the humanity! Honestly, I think the Chargers are due for a few more wins soon, especially if Antonio Cromartie can get healthy: they've managed a 3rd-in-the-league 28.0 points per game while allowing 24.9 per game, after all.
Still, for now the Chargers have done nothing of note other than "be worse than the Broncos." Sucks for them.
7. The Denver Broncos. The Denver Broncos, this year's chic pick for AFC Juggernaut after about 4 weeks of play, have virtually the same statistics as the Houston Texans (this year's chic pick for Team Whose Jerseys I Wouldn't Blow My Nose With) after 9 weeks of play. And that, my friends, is all you need to know -- apart from the fact that Denver is still leading the AFC West, which is depressing in ways I can't even begin to describe.
8. The Cleveland Browns. Hot damn! The Browns have actually managed to slip to the midway point between Irredeemably Awful and Temporarily Competent on these fine rankings. Not only have they (somehow) managed to attain the same record as the Chargers and the Jaguars, two teams most considered surefire playoffs contenders coming into the season, but they've finally showed signs of actually giving a shit by benching Derek Anderson and his 68.9 passer rating in favor of studly former Irish QB Brady Quinn, who's yet to make a start for Cleveland since being drafted over a year ago.
Will this be enough to turn the Browns around? Not clear (probably not), but at least it'll shake things up a bit as the Browns take the field tonight... yes, TONIGHT. Why? Because it's FLEX SCHEDULING TIME BABY WOO!
Flex scheduling is great, because it means we'll no longer be subject to national broadcasts of shitfests like Seattle/San Francisco on Sunday nights while coverage of the division-leading Cardinals vs. the mega-awesome Panthers is limited to old people in Phoenix and the 3 people in South Carolina that can afford cable. The arrival of flex scheduling is also great because it means that Thursday Night Football has also begun. This, in turn, means that you can now spend your Thursday nights driving around until you find a bar that has the NFL Network, since like 25 people actually get the NFL Network. (I'm one of them. Suckers.) Hooray for programming gimmicks! Anyway, be sure and tune in tonight for a spectacular battle between two AFC teams that are almost certainly going to end the season under .500 as the Browns take on the Denver Broncos. Too bad flex scheduling only applies to the Sunday games. Yeesh.
9. The Miami Dolphins. Two wins in a row, including a surprising divisional win over Buffalo, were enough to give these Dolphins a 4-4 record, which, sadly, still makes them the odd man out in the 5-3 party that is the AFC East. Chad Pennington is playing his best season since his first season as a starter for the Jets in 2002 with a 95.2 overall passer rating and nearly a touchdown per game, but the bottom line is that these Dolphins are going to need significantly more than a couple of trick offensive formations up their sleeves if they're going do anything of note in this division.
10. The Indianapolis Colts. A reading from the book of Johnny Unitas. Ahem.
nd the Lord looked down from the heavens and spake thusly: "Be it known, my people, that I am a just God who smiles down on my prophet Peyton Manning, and shall deliver him from the ignominy of a losing record. However, know ye also that no team who cannot stop the run shall triumph in a division that containeth Chris Johnson. My Will be done."11. The New York Jets. Whatever.
12. The New England Patriots. "ZOMG HOW CAN YOU RANK THE PATRIOTS BETTER THAN THE COLTS THEY JUST LOST TO THE COLTS!" Because it's my goddamn blog, that's how. Shut up. We just signed Jason Webster! It's going to be great!
13. The Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens are on a 3-game win streak with a 5-3 record, one of the league's most impenetrable defenses, and a running game that's starting to look pretty impressive. I mean.
14. The Buffalo Bills. Back-to-back losses against division rivals Miami and New York served to pretty handily pop the Trent Edwards bubble (rugged, square-jawed, effortlessly handsome bubble that it was). Still, the Bills are 5-3 and Lee Evans and Marshawn Lynch continue to be threats on offense. It's not clear how much longer these Bills will be The Team To Beat in the AFC East, but for now, here they are. Wooo.
15. The Pittsburgh Steelers. A show of hands, now: Who'd have thought that Byron Leftwich would be the solution to the Steelers' offensive woes? [scans room for hands] Right. Umm, can you come with me next time I buy lottery tickets? Great. I'll pick you up at 8. Oh, and your Steelers are now 6-2.
16. The Tennessee Titans. 24.9 points scored per game really isn't much in the way of "dominant" or "earth-shattering" or even "really good." When you're only allowing 12.9 per game, though? You can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. Enjoy being undefeated, Titans. Speaking from experience: it's an amazing ride while it lasts. Sigh.
Labels: AFC, I don't know whose baby that is in the tiger costume but I am going to find it and kidnap it, Powerless rankings
Bills over Jets. Get ready for Slopfest '08! Starring Brett Favre, thrower of seven interceptions in his last three games! Also starring the Buffalo Bills, who last week choked up a loss to the Miami Dolphins by turning the ball over on their final four possessions of the game. Who will make the fewest game-changing mistakes? My money's on the Bills. I'm kinda done taking Favre on the road for the foreseeable future.
The "Way to let him off the hook, coach..." quote of the week: "I think there's a lot of years gambling going on in terms of making some unbelievable plays and making plays that you would like to have a chance to do it over again. But, that's what he's done and he's been very successful." - Jets coach Eric Mangini, regarding Brett Favre's habit of gift-wrapping the football and placing it gently in the hands of his opponents.
Jaguars over Sad Tigers: When your team falls is 0-8 and looks like a hopeless patsy week after week, it would be natural to just give up. But T.J. Houshmandzadeh has predicted that the Sad Tigers will NOT go winless this season. In fact, he went so far as to guarantee at least two wins because "we're a better team than we've shown." Seriously, I would be laughing my butt off if the Sad Tigers weren't so very, very sad.
The "Uh, I think it's a little too late for that, coach..." quote of the week. "When you've been embarrassed like we were, the only way to get away from that is to redeem yourself. And the only way to redeem yourself is to go do better, and do better right away, and not let it sit and spoil you." - Sad Tigers coach Marvin Lewis, regarding what his team has to do to stop sucking. Sorry, coach. I'm pretty sure your team is spoiled already.
Ravens over Browns. I know, I know. The Browns are all resurging and everything. You know what else resurges? A Taco Bell beef combo burrito after a night of heavy drinking. See where I'm going with this? If not, let me spell it out: The Browns are my pick for the "They are who we thought they were" team of the week.
The "Uhm, you sure about that, coach..." quote of the week: "We think we're creative. We think we have a chance to be an exciting offense; we think we've been that." - Ravens coach John Harbaugh, regarding his team's offense, which is currently ranked 27th in passing and 26 in points. Note also that QB Joe Flacco has 3 touchdowns on the season versus 7 interceptions and 6 fumbles. Which I guess is kinda of exciting...
Buccaneers over Chiefs. Blah, blah, blah, stats this, numbers that. Whatever. I'm not picking the Chiefs unless they're playing the Zeroes or the Sad Tigers. Which they aren't this week. Fantasy sidenote: Earnest Graham owners rejoice! The Chiefs are last in the league against the run (196.9) and have allowed a league-high 14 rushing touchdowns. Start him with confidence.
The "Oh, I really hope you're just kidding, coach..." quote of the week: "I think what it does, it gives you some hope that the guy can continue to play like that, that he's going to get better, and that you've got a guy who's consistent at the quarterback position." - Chiefs coach Herm Edwards, regarding last week's "Never to be repeated" 25-for-36, 2-touchdown performance by Tyler Thigpen.
Titans over Packers. The Packers aren't going to win this one, but seeing as how it's Green Bay and the Amazing Aaron Rodgers, at least they will lose in Dramatic Fashion (TM).
Fun fact #1: Green Bay is allowing 141.9 yards per game on the ground. The Titans, meanwhile, have averaged 145.0 rushing yards a contest.
Fun fact #2: The Titans have the league's best scoring defense: They've allowed only 87 points, 23 fewer than Pittsburgh and Baltimore (110).
The "Well, I certainly can't argue with your logic..." quote of the week: "Each week every team gets an opportunity to go out and play. We've had seven opportunities and won each of our games." - Titans linebacker Keith Bulluck regarding his team's 7-0 record.
Broncos over Dolphins. Ronnie Brown, prepare to get a case of the runs, courtesy of Denver's 30th ranked rush defense. That said, I see this game turning into a shootout, and I'm gonna take Cutler's arm over Pennington's arm. Although, did you know, old Noodle Arm Chad is completing almost 70 percent of his passes? And that he's ninth in the league in yards (1,710)? Time to check Penny's basement for Body Snatcher pods, I guess...
The "Alright, enough is enough..." quote of the week: "My arm is stronger than God's, even if God's replaced his throwing arm with the Incredible Hulk." - Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler, regarding his cosmic arm strength.
Colts over Patriots. No. Absolutely not. I won't do it. I will not pick Matt Cassel over Peyton Manning. Not in Indianapolis. Never. No way. Not even if Manning barely escaped a deadly sea otter attack in which he lost both arms and all but a chunk of his left leg. I don't care about all the injuries and inconsistency and flat-out pooparific play. It's just not happening.
The "Thanks for the news flash, coach..." quote of the week: "In the grand scheme of things, winning the division is going to be tough to do." - Colts coach Tony Dungy, regarding his team's chances of overcoming a 3-4 start to overtake the undefeated Titans.
Steelers over Redskins. No, wait...
Redskins over Steelers. While briefly researching this game, I ran across the following headline: Big Ben suffering weekly poundings. When I clicked on the link, it only improved slightly: Big Ben standing up -- so far -- to weekly poundings. Oh my. Call me immature to the point of idiocy if you like, but I laughed really hard when I read those. I can't possibly pick the Steelers on the road against a good team while Roethlisberger is getting pounded to regularly.
The "Oh, you're confused...now I get it..." quote of the week: "The whole NFC East is (similar to the Eagles and Giants). They're throwing a lot of blitzes at you. They're all big guys who can move around and throw different looks at you and try to confuse you." Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, regarding why he's taking those weekly poundings.
Last week's record: 9-5
Season record: 53-32
Labels: AFC, Basketbawful versus futuremrsrickankiel, Weekly picks
Lowest circle of hell. The Cincinnati Bengals. When the season began, I compared the Sad Tigers to milk that had gone bad before the expiration date. That analogy seemed so perfect at the time, but now I know it wasn't. No, the Bungles are more like milk that was already bad when you brought it home. So it doesn't matter if you chugged down a mouthful on your way out of the store or if you waited a few days after you go it home. That milk never had a chance. In fact, that crap was poisoned on its way out of the udder. BY THE DEVIL.
And now it's time for...bonus stats! The Bengals have been outscored 73-16 in the past two games and 217-104 this season. In the second halves of the past two games, the Bengals have allowed 49 points and scored just three. In the past two games, the Bengals have given up six touchdown passes and have just one. In 486 minutes and 21 seconds of play this season, which includes the overtime against the Giants in Week 3, the Bengals have led for just 43 minutes and 20 seconds. The Bengals are 0-8 for the fifth time in franchise history. Since 1991, the Bengals have had four 0-8 starts. In that frame of time, only Indianapolis has had as many as two 0-8 starts (1991 and 1997). Nine other NFL teams have had one start as poor as 0-8, according to the Associated Press. You realize what all this means, right?
1. The Kansas City Chiefs. Wow. When the press starts referring to you as "The woeful Kansas City Chiefs" in an article about a couple free agent signings, you just know you're a lousy team. The article went on to say: "Daily roster moves have become the norm for the Chiefs (1-6), who have become a laughingstock under general manager Carl Peterson and coach Herm Edwards." Ouchies. The sad thing is, those descriptions can't even be considered biased news reporting anymore. On the bright side, KC signed long snapper Thomas Gafford, who is joining his fourth team since 2006, so they don't have to worry about losing a game the way Pittsburgh did last Sunday.
2. The Oakland Raiders. Last Sunday, the Raiders did something I thought was impossible. No, they didn't win a game. (Although, at this point, that's probably impossible too.) They made Baltimore's rookie quarterback Joe Flacco look really good. The Slingshot Kid not only tossed for a touchdown, he also scored on a 12-yard run and almost scored again after hauling in a 43-yard pass from backup quarterback Troy Smith. A few more games against Oakland and Flacco will be turning his team's Gatorade into wine. But hey, Raiders. It's okay. Here. Have a cookie!
3. The Jacksonville Jaguars. Hey, Jaguars! Way to let the Browns come into Jacksonville and beat you! YOU SUCK!
4. The Denver Broncos. First four games: 38 PPG. Last three games: 15 PPG. That's what we call a downward trend. Or, if you like, a downward movement...
I like to call each floater a "Bronco."
5. The Indianapolis Colts. This team looks utterly discombobulated. And, at this point, I have no idea how to combobulate them again. But at least we've finally discovered the source of their problems: It's the EA cover curse!
Good call, Tony. Hope the $500 you got out of this was worth it. By the way, what the hell kind of game is Head Coach? And what's next? EA Water Boy? EA Guy Who Gets The Coaching Staff Coffee In The Morning? I can't wait!
6. The New York Jets. Hm. Brett Favre has 7 interceptions and only 3 touchdowns in his last three games. Well, I guess Deanna Favre was right: Her husband really is the same old Brett. Anyway, this is what coach Eric Mangini had to say after watching his team barely squeak by "The woeful Kansas City Chiefs" last week: "If you start taking into account expectations of how you perform and what you should do and not work on the things that you have to get done to win that game, it doesn't help." Wait...what? Ah, forget it. Bad news for Jets fans: Three of the next four games are on the road at Buffalo, New England and Tennessee. Ruh roh, Raggy!
7. The Miami Dolphins. Chad Pennington is carrying this team right now. End of story.
8. The San Diego Chargers. When the Bears let Ron Rivera go a couple years back, I told everyone who would listen that they were making a mistake. Now Rivara is coordinating the defense in San Diego. As of today, the Bolts are ranked 28th overall and last in defending the pass. So, hey, I guess the Bears knew what they were doing after all.
9. The Cleveland Browns. They've quietly won three of four to climb back into a division battle with the Steelers and Ravens. So let's go everybody! It's time to climb on board the...
10. The Houston Texans. Who ever would have thought that the Texans would be tied with the Colts and Jaguars this late into the season? Sure, they're all tied at 3-4, but still. Anyway, the Texans currently rank fourth -- yes, fourth! -- in yards per game (371.6). I'm not saying their previous three games against the Dolphins, Zeroes and Sad Tigers have helped pad that stat...actually, you know what? That's exactly what I'm saying.
11. The Baltimore Ravens. This is from the Ravens' team report: "Ravens coach John Harbaugh said 'The Suggs Package' -- the team's two-quarterback alignment that stole the attention in Sunday's 29-10 victory over the Oakland Raiders -- will be a 'viable part' of the offense for the rest of the season. 'We could see using that package every game,' Harbaugh said at his day-after news conference. 'People playing against us are going to have to be prepared for it every week. We're just scratching the surface of the things that we have in.'" Awesome! I predict the Suggs Package is going to become the new Wildcat Formation! Oh, wait...
12. The New England Patriots. The New Englanders continue to disappoint football fans across the country who were hoping for a complete and total post-Brady collapse. But look on the bright side, Patriot haters: They're not going anywhere in the playoffs and their better-than-expected record will prevent them from getting a high draft pick. So, you know, win-win! And if that's not enough to cheer you anti-Patsy folks, here's the universal sign of disrespect: The peeing Calvin.
If you own a truck, you probably already have this on your back window and/or wheel flap.
13. The Buffalo Bills. So...it looks like the Bills are going to extend coach Dick Jauron. I would just like to point out that the last time Jauron was up for an extension, he led his team -- the Chicago Bears -- to a 13-3 record. He got the extension, and the team promptly transformed back into crap, going 4-12 and 7-9 over the next two seasons. And yes, this is, in fact, a cautionary tale.
14. The Pittsburgh Steelers. On Sunday, this team gave long snappers everywhere reason to scream out: "SEE?! WE ARE TOO IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTORS TO PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL!" Meanwhile, Ben Roethlisberger is on pace to get sacked back into the mid-980s. Which would cool for him, since nobody wore motorcycle helmets back then.
Don't worry, Ben. You'll love the 80s. Trust me.
15. The Tennessee Titans. Strangely enough, the Titans aren't getting as much press as you'd expect for a team that hasn't lost a game yet. We can probably thank last year's New England Patriots for that. It'll be a while before we're ready to trust an undefeated team again. And I'm fine with that. Whatever it takes to keep the 1972 Dolphins out of the papers and off SportsCenter.
And now it's time for...bonus stats! The Bengals have been outscored 73-16 in the past two games and 217-104 this season. In the second halves of the past two games, the Bengals have allowed 49 points and scored just three. In the past two games, the Bengals have given up six touchdown passes and have just one. In 486 minutes and 21 seconds of play this season, which includes the overtime against the Giants in Week 3, the Bengals have led for just 43 minutes and 20 seconds. The Bengals are 0-8 for the fifth time in franchise history. Since 1991, the Bengals have had four 0-8 starts. In that frame of time, only Indianapolis has had as many as two 0-8 starts (1991 and 1997). Nine other NFL teams have had one start as poor as 0-8, according to the Associated Press. You realize what all this means, right?
1. The Kansas City Chiefs. Wow. When the press starts referring to you as "The woeful Kansas City Chiefs" in an article about a couple free agent signings, you just know you're a lousy team. The article went on to say: "Daily roster moves have become the norm for the Chiefs (1-6), who have become a laughingstock under general manager Carl Peterson and coach Herm Edwards." Ouchies. The sad thing is, those descriptions can't even be considered biased news reporting anymore. On the bright side, KC signed long snapper Thomas Gafford, who is joining his fourth team since 2006, so they don't have to worry about losing a game the way Pittsburgh did last Sunday.
2. The Oakland Raiders. Last Sunday, the Raiders did something I thought was impossible. No, they didn't win a game. (Although, at this point, that's probably impossible too.) They made Baltimore's rookie quarterback Joe Flacco look really good. The Slingshot Kid not only tossed for a touchdown, he also scored on a 12-yard run and almost scored again after hauling in a 43-yard pass from backup quarterback Troy Smith. A few more games against Oakland and Flacco will be turning his team's Gatorade into wine. But hey, Raiders. It's okay. Here. Have a cookie!
3. The Jacksonville Jaguars. Hey, Jaguars! Way to let the Browns come into Jacksonville and beat you! YOU SUCK!
4. The Denver Broncos. First four games: 38 PPG. Last three games: 15 PPG. That's what we call a downward trend. Or, if you like, a downward movement...
5. The Indianapolis Colts. This team looks utterly discombobulated. And, at this point, I have no idea how to combobulate them again. But at least we've finally discovered the source of their problems: It's the EA cover curse!
Good call, Tony. Hope the $500 you got out of this was worth it. By the way, what the hell kind of game is Head Coach? And what's next? EA Water Boy? EA Guy Who Gets The Coaching Staff Coffee In The Morning? I can't wait!
6. The New York Jets. Hm. Brett Favre has 7 interceptions and only 3 touchdowns in his last three games. Well, I guess Deanna Favre was right: Her husband really is the same old Brett. Anyway, this is what coach Eric Mangini had to say after watching his team barely squeak by "The woeful Kansas City Chiefs" last week: "If you start taking into account expectations of how you perform and what you should do and not work on the things that you have to get done to win that game, it doesn't help." Wait...what? Ah, forget it. Bad news for Jets fans: Three of the next four games are on the road at Buffalo, New England and Tennessee. Ruh roh, Raggy!
7. The Miami Dolphins. Chad Pennington is carrying this team right now. End of story.
8. The San Diego Chargers. When the Bears let Ron Rivera go a couple years back, I told everyone who would listen that they were making a mistake. Now Rivara is coordinating the defense in San Diego. As of today, the Bolts are ranked 28th overall and last in defending the pass. So, hey, I guess the Bears knew what they were doing after all.
9. The Cleveland Browns. They've quietly won three of four to climb back into a division battle with the Steelers and Ravens. So let's go everybody! It's time to climb on board the...
10. The Houston Texans. Who ever would have thought that the Texans would be tied with the Colts and Jaguars this late into the season? Sure, they're all tied at 3-4, but still. Anyway, the Texans currently rank fourth -- yes, fourth! -- in yards per game (371.6). I'm not saying their previous three games against the Dolphins, Zeroes and Sad Tigers have helped pad that stat...actually, you know what? That's exactly what I'm saying.
11. The Baltimore Ravens. This is from the Ravens' team report: "Ravens coach John Harbaugh said 'The Suggs Package' -- the team's two-quarterback alignment that stole the attention in Sunday's 29-10 victory over the Oakland Raiders -- will be a 'viable part' of the offense for the rest of the season. 'We could see using that package every game,' Harbaugh said at his day-after news conference. 'People playing against us are going to have to be prepared for it every week. We're just scratching the surface of the things that we have in.'" Awesome! I predict the Suggs Package is going to become the new Wildcat Formation! Oh, wait...
12. The New England Patriots. The New Englanders continue to disappoint football fans across the country who were hoping for a complete and total post-Brady collapse. But look on the bright side, Patriot haters: They're not going anywhere in the playoffs and their better-than-expected record will prevent them from getting a high draft pick. So, you know, win-win! And if that's not enough to cheer you anti-Patsy folks, here's the universal sign of disrespect: The peeing Calvin.
13. The Buffalo Bills. So...it looks like the Bills are going to extend coach Dick Jauron. I would just like to point out that the last time Jauron was up for an extension, he led his team -- the Chicago Bears -- to a 13-3 record. He got the extension, and the team promptly transformed back into crap, going 4-12 and 7-9 over the next two seasons. And yes, this is, in fact, a cautionary tale.
14. The Pittsburgh Steelers. On Sunday, this team gave long snappers everywhere reason to scream out: "SEE?! WE ARE TOO IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTORS TO PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL!" Meanwhile, Ben Roethlisberger is on pace to get sacked back into the mid-980s. Which would cool for him, since nobody wore motorcycle helmets back then.
15. The Tennessee Titans. Strangely enough, the Titans aren't getting as much press as you'd expect for a team that hasn't lost a game yet. We can probably thank last year's New England Patriots for that. It'll be a while before we're ready to trust an undefeated team again. And I'm fine with that. Whatever it takes to keep the 1972 Dolphins out of the papers and off SportsCenter.
Labels: AFC, Powerless rankings
The Oakland offense. I move that, until they merit otherwise, these "Raiders" have their name changed to "The People Who Come Into Your House When It's Raining And Don't Take Off Their Shoes So They Get Wet Leaves Everywhere." Because honestly? Nothing this offense is doing in any way aligns with notions of "raiding" or "plundering" or anything even remotely badass like that. Vaguely irritating and kind of inconsiderate, sure, but not "raiding." On that note, let's observe that TPWCIYHWIRADTOTSSTGWLE managed just 35 yards gained in the first half of this game. Like, 1/3 of the distance down the field. Total. It's frankly pretty amazing that this team managed to put up any points at all in their 29-10 loss to the Ravens, especially when you consider that they also managed just 47 total rushing yards. Seriously, Justin Fargas? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? Do you have a knitting circle that's really fulfilling? Are you taking yoga? Have you been pursuing the delicate art of sushi-making? Because hand of God, son: you ain't no football player.
The Oakland defense. "We just got our tails whipped at the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball," sighed Tom Cable following the game. Indeed. Not only did they let the ordinarily tepid Baltimore offense nom up 375 yards for 29 points, but they got made to look foolish with a series of trick plays straight out of Generic Movie About a Ragtag Team of Lovable Misfits Who Win Big. The Ravens ran a modified single-wing offense with Troy Smith taking the snaps and rushing for 13 yards while Joe Flacco (fresh from the eyebrow waxer, from the looks of it) lined up as a wide receiver and wound up scoring a TD on a 12-yard run in the 4th quarter. I guess that means Oakland was playing the part of "Undefeated Team of Bullies Who Inevitably Fall to the Lovable Misfits." Hardly seems fair, really, given how bad Oakland is. They should really give their agent a call.
JaMarcus Russell. More like JaMightwannaconsideranothercareerpath. ZING! Russell kicked off the game for the Ravens by getting sacked in the end zone for a safety, then turned in a 15-for-33 performance with 1 interception for a 66.1 passer rating on the day. "You have to grow up fast and I think, with certain situations, you become better," he mused following the game. Just what kind of situations are you waiting for, JaMarcus? Is "one of just 16 games in a league where every game could make the difference in getting a playoffs berth" not enough for you?
Tom Cable, quote machine. Cable followed up the aforementioned "we just got our tails whipped" comment by asserting, "There's really no other way to put it." That sounds like a challenge to me, buster! How about your pick of the following:
We just got our asses thrashed repeatedly by a mob of men in purple spandex and a very fat running back.
We just played a first half so embarrassing that the football gods themselves wept.
We just lost yet another game while our batshit crazy owner went crossbow hunting at an elementary school picnic.
We just plain suck.
The Buffalo Bills bubble. Boooo! I should be more grateful for this loss, I suppose, since it allowed my Patriots to bumble their way back into first place in the AFC East. I was just starting to warm up to the Bills, though, and then they had to go and do a stupid thing like lose to the Chad Pennington Show. Really, this was a very close game in many ways: near-even possession time, 339 yards for Buffalo to Miami's 358... the difference-maker was that Buffalo coughed up 4 turnovers in the 4th quarter (an interception, 2 fumbles, even a botched punt). It's one thing to go down in a glorious blaze of bawful, like Oakland... but it's another to simply sputter and die out at the hands of Joey Porter. Actually, though, those both sound pretty awful.
Marc Bulger. The sad thing about this is that Bulger actually put up excellent numbers. 18-for-34 with 301 yards, including a career-high 69-yarder to Donnie Avery. But honestly? Bulger looked like total crap in the second half of this game. Let's not let the losing quarterback have all the fun, though...
Matt Cassel. Sweet gum-chewing Ganesh. I could throw a tighter spiral than that. Getting back to the Rams, though...
The Jim Haslett Renaissance. Really, there's not a whole lot you can come down on the Rams for this game: they kept it close without Stephen Jackson and despite the fact that New England enjoyed much better field position than them overall (not helped by the fact that St. Louis racked up 9 penalties for 63 yards lost while the Pats didn't have a single call against them). But, well... that's just it, you know? They played their absolute hardest against a team that was totally beatable, and they still came up short. How terribly depressing. Sad Tiger sends his condolences, St. Loo.
Tyler Thigpen. "What's wrong with Tyler Thigpen," you ask? Well, here's the thing. Our boy Tyler got thiggy with it against one of the all-time greats, matching Brett Favre nearly pass for pass (25-of-36 to Favre's 28-of-40) and yard for yard (280 to Favre's 290). Both QBs threw for 2 touchdowns... the difference was that Favre chucked up 3 interceptions, while Thigpen had none and earned a passer rating of 117.6 on the day. And you know what? He still lost. Because he plays for the goddamn Kansas City Chiefs.
Larry Johnson. I don't think I need to explain what sucks about the Chiefs on the field (in brief: in football, you have to do this thing called "scoring points" in order to "win games"), so let's focus on the spectacular off-the-field suckage of star running back Larry Johnson, who is currently facing assault charges for spitting a drink in a woman's face at a nightclub. This is the 4th time in 5 years that Johnson has been accused of assaulting a woman. HOLY SHIT. How does this punk still even get to PLAY FOOTBALL? I don't even have a joke to make here. It's fucking disgusting when pro athletes behave like this.
The Jacksonville Jaguars. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll level with you: I've struggled to write about the Jags all season. They've been middling, but not awful (I believe I once noted that I can't in recent years recall a team that seemed so determined to finish the season 8-8), and despite the fact that the preseason held ominous hints that the Jaguars could very well be the new Bengals (arrests, shootings, and the like), Jacksonville kept conveniently winning a game every time I was ready to banish them to the depths of my contempt. Sure, they've got no running game (even with Maurice Jones-Drew... what a waste) and they can't rush the pass worth anything (only 9 sacks on the season? J.T. O'Sullivan would like to know when he gets to play the Jaguars), but they'd still managed to beat the Colts, the Texans, and the Broncos.
After this weekend's 23-17 loss to the staphyloriffic Browns, though? Jacksonville, I hereby dub thee Suck. Welcome to being the object of cheap one-liners and YouTube hilarity in the Powerless Rankings. Welcome to being picked against every week. Welcome to Suckville. The Chiefs will take your bags.
Oh, and Cleveland? You now get to be one of those middle-of-the-pack teams that I dissect on a numerical basis because you're no longer an easy target. Like the difference between beating up an asthmatic slow kid on the one hand, and subtly tormenting a classmate via subtle put-downs until they're driven slowly insane. I happen to be an expert at both.
This picture is great because it kind of looks like he just took a bite out of one of the Jaguars. Like taking a bite out of crime, only fail-ier. Nom!
Expecting anything other than what we already knew.
35-6, Texans over Bengals. TEXANS. THE TEXANS. THE TEAM WITH MATT SCHAUB AND SAGE ROSENFELS. Who the fuck is Kevin Walter other than the guy Yahoo! autodrafts for you in the 14th round when you leave to go get a beer and miss your pick? I don't know, but he caught two maternal-relations-having touchdowns yesterday. For those of you watching at home: yes, the Bengals are now 0-8. I AM RUNNING OUT OF HUMOROUSLY EXAGGERATED NUMERICAL DESIGNATIONS FOR YOUR SHITTY TEAM, CINCY. Seriously!
*************MONDAY NIGHT SPECIAL: Comes with your choice of fries or onion rings!*************
I think we can all agree that the Monday Night Football games this season have been terrible in every sense of the word, from the flagtacular Packers appearance to the sloppy Iggles/Cowmen shootout to the nearly offense-free Steelers/Ravens suckfest. Seriously, we should start a whole new site just to hold all the crap from Mondays. We can call it Mundane Night Football. Or something.
Anyway, the point is that last night's game was also terrible... at least for the first half, which saw one Colts TD and 2 Titans field goals for a snooze-worthy 7-6 halftime score. Thankfully, the Titans remembered that they're the goddamn undefeated Titans and rang up a 17-point 4th quarter to defeat Indianapolis 31-21. But you don't want to hear about that. On to the bawful!
Peyton Manning. Manning sent up two interceptions and accrued a passer rating of just 73.5. What's worse is that this is Peyton's second consecutive 2-pick game; he's already matched the total interceptions he threw in both 2004 and 2006 (9), and is one away from meeting his season mark from '03, '04, and '05. He still managed to connect with Dallas Clark for 2 TDs, but the fact that Dallas Clark put up the best receiving numbers in the game tells you pretty much all you need to know. When the league's best passer is opting repeatedly for his tight end instead of his wideouts, something is terribly amiss. And it's not like the Colts can fall back on their running game. Reggie Wayne still, like, PLAYS for this team, right?
The Colts' red zone defense. The saddest thing about this loss is that the Titans didn't even play a particularly inspired game. Despite having one of the league's top running games, Tennessee averaged just 2.8 yards per rushing play (yuck!) and only gained 88 net rushing yards (5 fewer than Indy). Moreover, Kerry Collins only managed 193 passing yards compared to Manning's 223. Overall, the Titans only averaged 5.2 yards per play, while the Colts had the slight edge with 5.4 yards per play... all this on more than 8 fewer minutes with the ball than TN. How, then, did the Titans take this? Because Indy's defense just gave up every time the Titans got within sneezing distance from the goal line and let LenDale White run it in twice while Chris Johnson added one of his own. Pa. Thetic. White only had 13 freaking yards on the game, and he STILL managed 2 touchdowns?! For god's sake, Indy, you're supposed to try HARDER when you're at your own goal line.
Yeah, I'm not even going to bother coming up with a caption for this one. It's pretty great just the way it is.
The Oakland defense. "We just got our tails whipped at the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball," sighed Tom Cable following the game. Indeed. Not only did they let the ordinarily tepid Baltimore offense nom up 375 yards for 29 points, but they got made to look foolish with a series of trick plays straight out of Generic Movie About a Ragtag Team of Lovable Misfits Who Win Big. The Ravens ran a modified single-wing offense with Troy Smith taking the snaps and rushing for 13 yards while Joe Flacco (fresh from the eyebrow waxer, from the looks of it) lined up as a wide receiver and wound up scoring a TD on a 12-yard run in the 4th quarter. I guess that means Oakland was playing the part of "Undefeated Team of Bullies Who Inevitably Fall to the Lovable Misfits." Hardly seems fair, really, given how bad Oakland is. They should really give their agent a call.
JaMarcus Russell. More like JaMightwannaconsideranothercareerpath. ZING! Russell kicked off the game for the Ravens by getting sacked in the end zone for a safety, then turned in a 15-for-33 performance with 1 interception for a 66.1 passer rating on the day. "You have to grow up fast and I think, with certain situations, you become better," he mused following the game. Just what kind of situations are you waiting for, JaMarcus? Is "one of just 16 games in a league where every game could make the difference in getting a playoffs berth" not enough for you?
Tom Cable, quote machine. Cable followed up the aforementioned "we just got our tails whipped" comment by asserting, "There's really no other way to put it." That sounds like a challenge to me, buster! How about your pick of the following:
We just got our asses thrashed repeatedly by a mob of men in purple spandex and a very fat running back.
We just played a first half so embarrassing that the football gods themselves wept.
We just lost yet another game while our batshit crazy owner went crossbow hunting at an elementary school picnic.
We just plain suck.
The Buffalo Bills bubble. Boooo! I should be more grateful for this loss, I suppose, since it allowed my Patriots to bumble their way back into first place in the AFC East. I was just starting to warm up to the Bills, though, and then they had to go and do a stupid thing like lose to the Chad Pennington Show. Really, this was a very close game in many ways: near-even possession time, 339 yards for Buffalo to Miami's 358... the difference-maker was that Buffalo coughed up 4 turnovers in the 4th quarter (an interception, 2 fumbles, even a botched punt). It's one thing to go down in a glorious blaze of bawful, like Oakland... but it's another to simply sputter and die out at the hands of Joey Porter. Actually, though, those both sound pretty awful.
Marc Bulger. The sad thing about this is that Bulger actually put up excellent numbers. 18-for-34 with 301 yards, including a career-high 69-yarder to Donnie Avery. But honestly? Bulger looked like total crap in the second half of this game. Let's not let the losing quarterback have all the fun, though...
Matt Cassel. Sweet gum-chewing Ganesh. I could throw a tighter spiral than that. Getting back to the Rams, though...
The Jim Haslett Renaissance. Really, there's not a whole lot you can come down on the Rams for this game: they kept it close without Stephen Jackson and despite the fact that New England enjoyed much better field position than them overall (not helped by the fact that St. Louis racked up 9 penalties for 63 yards lost while the Pats didn't have a single call against them). But, well... that's just it, you know? They played their absolute hardest against a team that was totally beatable, and they still came up short. How terribly depressing. Sad Tiger sends his condolences, St. Loo.
Tyler Thigpen. "What's wrong with Tyler Thigpen," you ask? Well, here's the thing. Our boy Tyler got thiggy with it against one of the all-time greats, matching Brett Favre nearly pass for pass (25-of-36 to Favre's 28-of-40) and yard for yard (280 to Favre's 290). Both QBs threw for 2 touchdowns... the difference was that Favre chucked up 3 interceptions, while Thigpen had none and earned a passer rating of 117.6 on the day. And you know what? He still lost. Because he plays for the goddamn Kansas City Chiefs.
Larry Johnson. I don't think I need to explain what sucks about the Chiefs on the field (in brief: in football, you have to do this thing called "scoring points" in order to "win games"), so let's focus on the spectacular off-the-field suckage of star running back Larry Johnson, who is currently facing assault charges for spitting a drink in a woman's face at a nightclub. This is the 4th time in 5 years that Johnson has been accused of assaulting a woman. HOLY SHIT. How does this punk still even get to PLAY FOOTBALL? I don't even have a joke to make here. It's fucking disgusting when pro athletes behave like this.
The Jacksonville Jaguars. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll level with you: I've struggled to write about the Jags all season. They've been middling, but not awful (I believe I once noted that I can't in recent years recall a team that seemed so determined to finish the season 8-8), and despite the fact that the preseason held ominous hints that the Jaguars could very well be the new Bengals (arrests, shootings, and the like), Jacksonville kept conveniently winning a game every time I was ready to banish them to the depths of my contempt. Sure, they've got no running game (even with Maurice Jones-Drew... what a waste) and they can't rush the pass worth anything (only 9 sacks on the season? J.T. O'Sullivan would like to know when he gets to play the Jaguars), but they'd still managed to beat the Colts, the Texans, and the Broncos.
After this weekend's 23-17 loss to the staphyloriffic Browns, though? Jacksonville, I hereby dub thee Suck. Welcome to being the object of cheap one-liners and YouTube hilarity in the Powerless Rankings. Welcome to being picked against every week. Welcome to Suckville. The Chiefs will take your bags.
Oh, and Cleveland? You now get to be one of those middle-of-the-pack teams that I dissect on a numerical basis because you're no longer an easy target. Like the difference between beating up an asthmatic slow kid on the one hand, and subtly tormenting a classmate via subtle put-downs until they're driven slowly insane. I happen to be an expert at both.
Expecting anything other than what we already knew.
35-6, Texans over Bengals. TEXANS. THE TEXANS. THE TEAM WITH MATT SCHAUB AND SAGE ROSENFELS. Who the fuck is Kevin Walter other than the guy Yahoo! autodrafts for you in the 14th round when you leave to go get a beer and miss your pick? I don't know, but he caught two maternal-relations-having touchdowns yesterday. For those of you watching at home: yes, the Bengals are now 0-8. I AM RUNNING OUT OF HUMOROUSLY EXAGGERATED NUMERICAL DESIGNATIONS FOR YOUR SHITTY TEAM, CINCY. Seriously!
I think we can all agree that the Monday Night Football games this season have been terrible in every sense of the word, from the flagtacular Packers appearance to the sloppy Iggles/Cowmen shootout to the nearly offense-free Steelers/Ravens suckfest. Seriously, we should start a whole new site just to hold all the crap from Mondays. We can call it Mundane Night Football. Or something.
Anyway, the point is that last night's game was also terrible... at least for the first half, which saw one Colts TD and 2 Titans field goals for a snooze-worthy 7-6 halftime score. Thankfully, the Titans remembered that they're the goddamn undefeated Titans and rang up a 17-point 4th quarter to defeat Indianapolis 31-21. But you don't want to hear about that. On to the bawful!
Peyton Manning. Manning sent up two interceptions and accrued a passer rating of just 73.5. What's worse is that this is Peyton's second consecutive 2-pick game; he's already matched the total interceptions he threw in both 2004 and 2006 (9), and is one away from meeting his season mark from '03, '04, and '05. He still managed to connect with Dallas Clark for 2 TDs, but the fact that Dallas Clark put up the best receiving numbers in the game tells you pretty much all you need to know. When the league's best passer is opting repeatedly for his tight end instead of his wideouts, something is terribly amiss. And it's not like the Colts can fall back on their running game. Reggie Wayne still, like, PLAYS for this team, right?
The Colts' red zone defense. The saddest thing about this loss is that the Titans didn't even play a particularly inspired game. Despite having one of the league's top running games, Tennessee averaged just 2.8 yards per rushing play (yuck!) and only gained 88 net rushing yards (5 fewer than Indy). Moreover, Kerry Collins only managed 193 passing yards compared to Manning's 223. Overall, the Titans only averaged 5.2 yards per play, while the Colts had the slight edge with 5.4 yards per play... all this on more than 8 fewer minutes with the ball than TN. How, then, did the Titans take this? Because Indy's defense just gave up every time the Titans got within sneezing distance from the goal line and let LenDale White run it in twice while Chris Johnson added one of his own. Pa. Thetic. White only had 13 freaking yards on the game, and he STILL managed 2 touchdowns?! For god's sake, Indy, you're supposed to try HARDER when you're at your own goal line.
Labels: AFC, The Exorcism of Peyton Manning, Worst of Monday Night Football, Worst of the Weekend
-1. The Cincinnati Bengals. In last week's Powerless Rankings, I noted that the Lions are so terrible that they actually defy the assignation of rankings, and transcend any and all attempts to quantify their bawfulness. Thus, I assigned them the ranking of Zero: the total absence of value in contrast to which all value is defined. If that's the case, though, then the Bengals are honestly pushing these rankings into negative territory. With the league's worst record at 0-7 (thank you, early Lions bye week), the Bengals are being outstripped by their opponents in every category imaginable. They've only earned 104 first downs to opponents' 137. They've given up more than twice as many rushing yards as they've gained. The defense, even while running surprisingly effective receiver coverage, has only managed 5 sacks while this porous O-line has given up 26 -- nearly 4 sacks per game. There is not a single category in which these Bengals -- hell, even the Lions have a perfect field goal record! -- are delivering anything other than 100% pure suck. There's a very real chance, mind you, that the Bengals might actually earn their first win this weekend when they take on the Texans. Until then, though, I am officially assigning these Bungles the ranking of -1: less than even the total absence of positive value.
1. The Kansas City Chiefs. It's appropriate, I suppose, that the Chiefs can now be ranked #1 on these Powerless Rankings. Elementary arithmetic teaches us that, if Bengals = -1 and Chiefs = 1, then Bengals + Chiefs = 0. And I think we can all agree that these two teams are worth a whole lot of nothing. With Larry Johnson out for being a mean dipshit (an all-too-common affliction in the NFL), the Chiefs' offense has slid to dead last in the league, averaging just 12.5 points per game. Moreover, Brodie Croyle's now out for the season and Damon Huard is struggling with some kind of hand injury (undoubtedly carpal tunnel syndrome from frantically clicking "refresh" over and over again on his Gmail inbox to see if any employers have responded to his JobFox resume posting), which means -- you guessed it! -- it's time for the Tyler Thigpen Train of Terrible to come rolling back into town. All aboard!
2. The Cleveland Browns. The good news, Clevesters? You're not the worst team in Ohio. The bad news? You're still the Browns -- oh, and your entire locker room is infected with staphylococcus.
Frankly, though, I'm all in favor of Kellen Winslow's suspension -- provided he can use his bye week to schedule a cage match with Joey Porter. I'd so much rather watch those two muscleheads slug it out than watch either the Browns or the Dolphins play football that it's not even funny. Actually, yeah, it's kind of funny. Haha!
3. The Oakland Raiders. Blech. I do not like anything about this team. I don't even want to write about them, really. Can I write about something else? Teacher?
4. The Miami Dolphins. Don't rush out and buy those Dolphin-themed party favors just yet, kids. Two losses in a row -- to the Texans and the Ravens, no less -- do not bode well for the Ronnie Brown Comeback Tour. It's worth pointing out, mind you, that Chad Pennington's thrown for almost 1,400 yards and is averaging a TD per game with a 68.6% completion rate. It's even more worth pointing out that, while Miami's offense is averaging 20 points an outing, Miami's defense is letting up an average of 21.7 points per game. Ya dig?
5. The San Diego Chargers. Bob's your uncle, guv'nah! These Chargers are riding the lorry to the wastebin faster than yesterday's kippers, and LaDainian Tomlinson's a silly git with a bunion in his bootie. The Bolts have nipped across the pond to have a butcher's at Parliament and play a spot of footie against the Papists from New Orleans this weekend, and will hopefully be back soon because I think I just used up all my Cockney dialect in those 3 sentences.
6. The Houston Texans. The more I look at Houston's offense, the more I think that perhaps I -- and many others -- wrote them off too hastily at the outset of this season. They've got Andre Johnson averaging over 100 yards receiving per game, Steve Slaton putting up more-than-respectable numbers even as Ahman Green returns to the lineup, Matt Schaub with 7 TDs on the season... those are the makings of a perfectly competent offense, you know? But then I look at their defensive stats, and I die a little inside.
7. The Baltimore Ravens.
And the Ravens, never flitting, still are sitting, still are sitting,
With an even 3-3 record in the AFConference North...
8. The Indianapolis Colts. My esteemed co-editor is rather fond of the mantra, "They are who we thought they were" (e.g. the Chiefs following up a surprise upset of the Broncos by letting the Panthers shut them out 34-0). I'm not sure how this applies here, since, like, I kind of thought the Colts were going to be, you know, good and stuff this season. So I guess their decisive win over the Ravens would make them who I thought they were. But, as it turns out, that game was more an aberration than a return to form... the Colts went right back to losing when they dropped to the Packers this weekend. So, they're not who I thought they were, or they're who I should have thought they were but didn't, or they're who I thought they weren't, or they're who I thought they were when they weren't... ack! Let's put it this way: if LenDale White and Chris Johnson exemplify the Smash-and-Dash running game, these Colts exemplify the Bail (Joseph Addai sitting out a game as rookie Mike Hart taps out for the season) and Fail (Dominic Rhodes... 'nuff said) game.
9. The Denver Broncos. PWNED!!1!!!1!!!!!! With lights-out cornerback Champ Bailey out for 4-6 weeks with a pubic injury of sorts, things are going from bad to worse for this Denver team. They have a few more wins in them, sure; hell, if the Raiderschargerschiefs have anything to say about it, they'll still walk away with the AFC West. Monday night's embarrassment at the hands of the Matt Cassel All-Stars, though, proved what we were all starting to suspect: these Broncos have all the staying power of a snowman in a sauna. So they are who we thought they were once we realized they weren't who we thought they were. Maybe they should change their name to the Pwnies.
10. The New York Jets. Oakland tried so hard to hand Sunday's game to the Jets, and they just weren't biting. Maybe they figured out the fundamental rule of sports victories that most of us learned back in middle school basketball: if you win, you get taken out for pizza, which is definitely tasty... but if you lose, you get taken out for ice cream. Which is way better. Anyway, the Jets, like the Broncos, are certainly due for a few more wins this season, and their defense is steadily improving with each week. That said, eh, they're the Jets. Who wants ice cream??
They're called jimmies, dammit.
11. The Jacksonville Jaguars. Boooooooring. Next!
12. The New England Patriots. I don't know whether these are the real Patriots or a gruesome, Pet Sematary-type version of them that seems like the real thing but is ultimately evil and bent on destroying us all. And, frankly, I don't care. WOOOO GO ZOMBIE PATRIOTS!
13. The Buffalo Bills. Trent. Freaking. Edwards. Through 6 games, this young man has a completion rate of nearly 70% with an average of over 200 passing yards per game and just 2 interceptions -- good for a 98.8 passer rating and a 5-1 record. Just this past weekend against San Diego, he completed 25 of 30 attempts en route to a 23-14 victory. As tough as it may be to believe in the Bills, Edwards' level-headedness in the pocket, tremendous vision on the field, and clean play execution are awfully reminiscent of another handsome young AFC East quarterback who led his team to an unexpected season and a near-miraculous Superbowl victory just a few years back. Are the Bills for real? Shit, kid, I don't know. The Rams just won two games in a row. Anything's possible. Here's the point: for now, the difference between the Bills and a team like, say, the Chiefs is so big it might as well be infinite. Rock on, Trent Edwards.
14. The Pittsburgh Steelers. Sakes alive! No one -- like, NO one -- is getting past this Pittsburgh defense. Not even Byron Leftwich's mom with a plate full of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. First in the league against the pass and second against the rush... fewest points total yards allowed... holding opponents to under 15 points per game on average? Add to that the arrival of lanky WR rookie Limas Sweed and an unexpectedly brilliant performance from Mewelde Moore in Willie Parker's absence, and you've got a tasty football concoction of awesome that could be a force to reckon with in the playoffs.
15. The Tennessee Titans. The inevitable Bible Belt Bowl(TM) looms closer and closer with each passing week. Your undefeated Tennessee Titans, ladies and gents. A shut-down defense that's holding opponents to just 11 points per game, consistent play from Kerry Collins (who's only thrown 3 picks on the season), the fearsome running duo of Chris Johnson (549 yards on 103 carries) and LenDale White (TDs 8, boxes of Twinkies consumed immediately following each game 15)... there are so many reasons why these Titans are as good as they are. Moreover, with upcoming games against Indy (worst run defense in the league, whom LenDale White has been known to mow down like so many meatball subs) and Green Bay (defense suffering from mysterious polio-like epidemic), it looks like these Titans could be wearing that tantalizing "undefeated" label for some time.
I hear they asked him if he would consider endorsing NutriSystem, and he responded by devouring Dan Marino whole.
1. The Kansas City Chiefs. It's appropriate, I suppose, that the Chiefs can now be ranked #1 on these Powerless Rankings. Elementary arithmetic teaches us that, if Bengals = -1 and Chiefs = 1, then Bengals + Chiefs = 0. And I think we can all agree that these two teams are worth a whole lot of nothing. With Larry Johnson out for being a mean dipshit (an all-too-common affliction in the NFL), the Chiefs' offense has slid to dead last in the league, averaging just 12.5 points per game. Moreover, Brodie Croyle's now out for the season and Damon Huard is struggling with some kind of hand injury (undoubtedly carpal tunnel syndrome from frantically clicking "refresh" over and over again on his Gmail inbox to see if any employers have responded to his JobFox resume posting), which means -- you guessed it! -- it's time for the Tyler Thigpen Train of Terrible to come rolling back into town. All aboard!
2. The Cleveland Browns. The good news, Clevesters? You're not the worst team in Ohio. The bad news? You're still the Browns -- oh, and your entire locker room is infected with staphylococcus.
Frankly, though, I'm all in favor of Kellen Winslow's suspension -- provided he can use his bye week to schedule a cage match with Joey Porter. I'd so much rather watch those two muscleheads slug it out than watch either the Browns or the Dolphins play football that it's not even funny. Actually, yeah, it's kind of funny. Haha!
3. The Oakland Raiders. Blech. I do not like anything about this team. I don't even want to write about them, really. Can I write about something else? Teacher?
4. The Miami Dolphins. Don't rush out and buy those Dolphin-themed party favors just yet, kids. Two losses in a row -- to the Texans and the Ravens, no less -- do not bode well for the Ronnie Brown Comeback Tour. It's worth pointing out, mind you, that Chad Pennington's thrown for almost 1,400 yards and is averaging a TD per game with a 68.6% completion rate. It's even more worth pointing out that, while Miami's offense is averaging 20 points an outing, Miami's defense is letting up an average of 21.7 points per game. Ya dig?
5. The San Diego Chargers. Bob's your uncle, guv'nah! These Chargers are riding the lorry to the wastebin faster than yesterday's kippers, and LaDainian Tomlinson's a silly git with a bunion in his bootie. The Bolts have nipped across the pond to have a butcher's at Parliament and play a spot of footie against the Papists from New Orleans this weekend, and will hopefully be back soon because I think I just used up all my Cockney dialect in those 3 sentences.
6. The Houston Texans. The more I look at Houston's offense, the more I think that perhaps I -- and many others -- wrote them off too hastily at the outset of this season. They've got Andre Johnson averaging over 100 yards receiving per game, Steve Slaton putting up more-than-respectable numbers even as Ahman Green returns to the lineup, Matt Schaub with 7 TDs on the season... those are the makings of a perfectly competent offense, you know? But then I look at their defensive stats, and I die a little inside.
7. The Baltimore Ravens.
And the Ravens, never flitting, still are sitting, still are sitting,
With an even 3-3 record in the AFConference North...
8. The Indianapolis Colts. My esteemed co-editor is rather fond of the mantra, "They are who we thought they were" (e.g. the Chiefs following up a surprise upset of the Broncos by letting the Panthers shut them out 34-0). I'm not sure how this applies here, since, like, I kind of thought the Colts were going to be, you know, good and stuff this season. So I guess their decisive win over the Ravens would make them who I thought they were. But, as it turns out, that game was more an aberration than a return to form... the Colts went right back to losing when they dropped to the Packers this weekend. So, they're not who I thought they were, or they're who I should have thought they were but didn't, or they're who I thought they weren't, or they're who I thought they were when they weren't... ack! Let's put it this way: if LenDale White and Chris Johnson exemplify the Smash-and-Dash running game, these Colts exemplify the Bail (Joseph Addai sitting out a game as rookie Mike Hart taps out for the season) and Fail (Dominic Rhodes... 'nuff said) game.
9. The Denver Broncos. PWNED!!1!!!1!!!!!! With lights-out cornerback Champ Bailey out for 4-6 weeks with a pubic injury of sorts, things are going from bad to worse for this Denver team. They have a few more wins in them, sure; hell, if the Raiderschargerschiefs have anything to say about it, they'll still walk away with the AFC West. Monday night's embarrassment at the hands of the Matt Cassel All-Stars, though, proved what we were all starting to suspect: these Broncos have all the staying power of a snowman in a sauna. So they are who we thought they were once we realized they weren't who we thought they were. Maybe they should change their name to the Pwnies.
10. The New York Jets. Oakland tried so hard to hand Sunday's game to the Jets, and they just weren't biting. Maybe they figured out the fundamental rule of sports victories that most of us learned back in middle school basketball: if you win, you get taken out for pizza, which is definitely tasty... but if you lose, you get taken out for ice cream. Which is way better. Anyway, the Jets, like the Broncos, are certainly due for a few more wins this season, and their defense is steadily improving with each week. That said, eh, they're the Jets. Who wants ice cream??
11. The Jacksonville Jaguars. Boooooooring. Next!
12. The New England Patriots. I don't know whether these are the real Patriots or a gruesome, Pet Sematary-type version of them that seems like the real thing but is ultimately evil and bent on destroying us all. And, frankly, I don't care. WOOOO GO ZOMBIE PATRIOTS!
13. The Buffalo Bills. Trent. Freaking. Edwards. Through 6 games, this young man has a completion rate of nearly 70% with an average of over 200 passing yards per game and just 2 interceptions -- good for a 98.8 passer rating and a 5-1 record. Just this past weekend against San Diego, he completed 25 of 30 attempts en route to a 23-14 victory. As tough as it may be to believe in the Bills, Edwards' level-headedness in the pocket, tremendous vision on the field, and clean play execution are awfully reminiscent of another handsome young AFC East quarterback who led his team to an unexpected season and a near-miraculous Superbowl victory just a few years back. Are the Bills for real? Shit, kid, I don't know. The Rams just won two games in a row. Anything's possible. Here's the point: for now, the difference between the Bills and a team like, say, the Chiefs is so big it might as well be infinite. Rock on, Trent Edwards.
14. The Pittsburgh Steelers. Sakes alive! No one -- like, NO one -- is getting past this Pittsburgh defense. Not even Byron Leftwich's mom with a plate full of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. First in the league against the pass and second against the rush... fewest points total yards allowed... holding opponents to under 15 points per game on average? Add to that the arrival of lanky WR rookie Limas Sweed and an unexpectedly brilliant performance from Mewelde Moore in Willie Parker's absence, and you've got a tasty football concoction of awesome that could be a force to reckon with in the playoffs.
15. The Tennessee Titans. The inevitable Bible Belt Bowl(TM) looms closer and closer with each passing week. Your undefeated Tennessee Titans, ladies and gents. A shut-down defense that's holding opponents to just 11 points per game, consistent play from Kerry Collins (who's only thrown 3 picks on the season), the fearsome running duo of Chris Johnson (549 yards on 103 carries) and LenDale White (TDs 8, boxes of Twinkies consumed immediately following each game 15)... there are so many reasons why these Titans are as good as they are. Moreover, with upcoming games against Indy (worst run defense in the league, whom LenDale White has been known to mow down like so many meatball subs) and Green Bay (defense suffering from mysterious polio-like epidemic), it looks like these Titans could be wearing that tantalizing "undefeated" label for some time.
Labels: AFC, I could make LenDale White fat jokes all day but I still love him, Powerless rankings, sad tiger makes me so sad
Update! That dork in the upper left of the picture: From Pistonsgirl4life:
Check out the guy on the extreme left in the cheesehead photo at the top of this article. WTF is that guy doing? I figure because he's a packers fan and therefore likely from Wisconsin (where Embarrass is a REAL place folks). I have two good bets:Ralph Wilson Stadium: Power was out for most of the first half of the Chargers-Bills game after three helium balloons became entangled in power lines across the street. Yes, you read that correctly: Three helium balloons cut the power to an entire professional sports arena. Thank the gods there weren't, like, four balloons. The place might have blown up or something. I sure hope the terrorists don't hear about our vulnerability to inflatable novelties. Bills owner Ralph Wilson, the megalomaniac who named the stadium after himself, said: "Some guy with a beer said, 'Why don't you pay your electricity bills?' I said, 'I knew it would be my fault.'" Ha, ha. That's one funny gazillionaire. Anyway, I hope they were, like, some kind of mutant, gamma-irradiated balloons at least. That would be kind of cool.
A) He was trying to pick his nose, and missed. Seriously, you can't expect too much hand eye co-ordination out of a man who's eaten fried cheese for lunch every day for the past 20 years.
B) He saw the camera man and decided to slyly shoot him the finger...only to fail miserably and accidentally hold up the wrong one ala Richard Pryor in Moving. Again you can't expect "quick thinking" from a Packer's fan.
The San Diego Chargers: At some point, you can't really call it a "slow start" anymore, guys. At some point, it's time to concede to the reality of the situation: You aren't a very good team. Not on offense. Not on defense. To wit:
Don't let that 103.8 quarterback rating fool you. Phillip Rivers cost the Chargers the game by losing two fumbles and throwing an interception in the end zone, thus nullifying a potential go-ahead score with 3:17 left. Not that the team's All-Everything running back did much to help out: LT rushed for only 41 yards on 14 tries. That's an average of 2.9 yards per attempt, which would be great...for Cedric Benson (more on him later). Wide reciever Vincent Jackson almost surpassed Tomlinson's rushing totals in one attempt. Antonio Gates had a ho-hum four receptions for 55 yards.
San Diego's defense was alternately torched by the previously concussed Trent Edwards (25-for-30, 261 yards, 1 TD, no sacks, no interceptions), Lee Evans (8 receptions, 89 yards, 1 TD) and Marshawn Lynch (19 carries, 70 yards, 1 TD). FAIL.
Mind you, this dismal performance occurred a mere one week after their "comeback" game against the Patriots. I should probably also point out that the Bills held the Chargers -- who were leading the league in scoring -- to only 14 points. Maybe those Buffalo guys are, like, for real or something...
The Indianapolis Colts: At some point, you can't really call it a "slow start" anymore, guys. At some point, it's time to concede to the reality of the situation: You aren't a very good team. Not on offense. Not on defense. To wit:
Petyon Manning's line: 21-for-42, 229 yards, no TDs, 2 INTs and a QB rating (46.6) that would make Rex Grossman wince. Oh, and those interceptions? Both of them were returned for touchdowns. Damn, Peyton. If you're so determined to sabotage your team, couldn't you do it in a funny way, like covering the locker room floor with banana peels or replacing everybody's uniform with a disco outfit? Anyway, Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison were barely visible (a combined 4 receptions for 35 yards and no TDs). And what Dominic Rhodes' final numbers (73 yards, 2 TDs) were padded by a last-minute garbage touchdown.
Indy's defense was alternately torched by the injured Aaron Rodgers (21-for-28, 186 yards, 1 TD and a QB rating of 104.2) and the previously MIA Ryan Grant (105 yards, 1 TD). Man, the Colts are like a defibrillator for flatlining RBs. FAIL.
Mind you, this dismal performance occurred a mere one week after their "comeback" game against the Ravens. And hey, those Packers might be for real too! But not really.
The Bengals: Until they show me something better than what they've shown so far this season, I refuse to refer to them by their full team name. The city of Cincinnati deserves better than that. I'm not sure they're even trying anymore. The Bungles had a 15-yard punt, let their QB get sacked seven times, passively watched Pittsburgh's "in case of emergency only" RB Mewelde Moore rush for 120 yards and 2 TDs, and failed to get a single pinky finger on Ben Roethlisberger ...despite the fact that he's hiding behind an offensive line cut down by injuries. And man, coach Marvin Lewis is pissed. "I'm angry. That's not good. That's not what professional football is all about. We didn't protect the quarterback, and when you do that, you're going to have a hard time getting the ball up and down the field." Forget getting the ball up and down the field. I'm surprised that the Bungles can even feed and clothe themselves without government-sponsored handlers. And I sure wouldn't let them walk down a gravel driveway without knee pads and a crash helmet. GOOD GOD THIS TEAM IS BAD. I'm talking "bag full of smelly butt holes" bad.
The Pittsburgh Steelers: Um, why exactly did the Steelers decide to throw a 16-yard touchdown pass to Hines Ward with less than two minutes left and a 21-point lead? Look, I've got Ward on my fantasy team and was kind of grateful for the garbage points, but haven't the Bungles been humiliated enough? Was it really necessary to rub it in? I guess sportsmanship is for sissies. Speaking of which...
Troy Polamalu: Astute observers may have noticed that Mr. Two-hand Touch was gabbing on his cell phone on the bench late in the game. Nice, huh? But it's even better than that. Know why he was on the sidelines? Mr. "It's becoming more and more flag football" was run the hell over and lost his helmet while trying to tackle Cedric Benson. Yes, that Cedric Benson. Now there's talk about how Polamalu might have suffered a concussion on that play. Aw, whatsamatter, Troy? Sport getting to rough for you? Don't worry. I know just what you need.
Cleveland Browns versus the Washington Redskins: This game made me briefly hate having the NFL package. Loved that scoreless first half. And the 14-for-37 throwing performance by Derek Anderson. But but I really, really loved was the cheese and whine party thrown by...
Kellen Winslow: The truth is out there: Winslow was hospitalized with a staph infection last week. also said he "felt like a piece of meat" and was disappointed general manager Phil Savage didn't check on him when he was in the hospital. Said Winslow: "I heard from Romeo Crennel and I heard from my position coach (Alfredo Roberts) when I was in the Clinic. I heard from my teammates. But I never heard from the main man -- Phil Savage -- and that really disappoints me. Sometimes I don't even feel a part of this team. I'm just frustrated with a lot of things. I feel it's been going on for a while. I don't get treated right and it's not fair. Sometimes I just feel under-appreciated. I felt it was time to say something." Well, this certainly sounds more serious than Troy Polamalu's itchy condition. We'd better go ahead and call...
I mean, wow. So hearing from his head coach, position coach and all his teammates wasn't enough to make him feel cared for? Really? Let's apply a little Real World Logic (TM) to this situation. Let's assume I was hospitalized with inflamed testicles or whatever. Let's further assume that my boss, my immediate supervisor and all my co-workers called or contacted me in some way...but my company's CEO did not. Now what would you think if I started bitching and moaning about it? Would you think that was normal, or that I was a little Cuckoo for Coco Puffs? Think about your answer. You will be judged by it.
The Cleveland Browns health riskiness: Hey, wait a tick...Winslow is the sixth player within the last couple of seasons on the Browns roster to have a staph infection? How in the name of almighty Odin does that even happen? Don't they, like, clean and sterilize and stuff? It makes you wonder why the Browns were so insistent on mumming the word on Winslow's ailment. Were they protecting his privacy...or covering their asses? I'm sure you can guess what Kellen thinks. "They didn't even want me going to the Cleveland Browns' facility because they didn't want me to get re-infected. Something is wrong up there. It needs to be fixed. Nobody knew that I had staph on the team because the Browns didn't want it to get out. But it's my teammates' right to know what's going on at the facility to protect them. Their safety is at risk, too, and I didn't agree with the Cleveland Browns, because they are protecting the organization and not the players." So, let's see, not only do these men have to play for the Browns, they also face the constant danger of contracting a lethal staph infection?! SWEET! Sign me up for some of that!
The Chief's run defense: Surrendering 150 rushing yards to a running back is pretty bad. But giving up 150 yards to two different running backs in the same game? That's what KC did yesterday: Chris Johnson ran for 168 and a TD, and LenDale White rushed for 149 and 3 TDs. Between them, they averaged just a neeknoid over nine yards per carry. Well, now they sort of know what those guys who do the "Running of the Bulls" feel like.
Update! Tyler Thigpen, quote machine: This one's from Footbawful reader Steve: "Chiefs (starting?) QB Tyler Thigpen is not much of a quote machine, but I thought this one pretty much says all you need to know about the Chiefs: 'We didn't get shut out again, so that was really nice.'" Wow, Tyler. GO TEAM GO!
The Wildcat formation: Hm, let's take a look at the stat sheet for that Ravens-Dolphins game. Ronnie Brown had 27 on 13 rushing attempts. Ricky Williams had 16 yards on 4 carries. Holy cow! Chad Pennington and his noodle legs outperformed them both: Penny had 25 yards on only four carries. But...but what about that Wildcat formation, which was, like, better than sliced bread and quark particles? Baltimore blitzed to contain it, and the Mildcat offense netted only 4 yards in five plays. Well, whatta ya know? Looks like the NFL has caught up with the Dolphins and their gimmick offense. Sorry, guys. It was fun for a few weeks.
Miami's defense: Hey, to be fair, I can't lay all the blame on the Mildcat formation. This "Top 10" defense the Dolphins entered the game with got vivisected by Joe Flacco (17-for-23, 232 yards, 1 TD and a QB rating of 120.2) and Willis "I like big butts" McGahee (105 yards on 19 attempts and 1 TD). That's what we call the "Bend then break" defense. Oh, and hey, Baltimore's offensive coordinator is Cam Cameron. Wah-wah-waaaaaaaah.
Brett Favre: Yesterday was one of the days when the Packers definitely didn't miss Brett, who was only 21-for-38 for zero TDs, 2 INTs and a QB rating of 47.8 in what can only be described as a Kitnaesque performance. And, natch, the Jets sort of lost because of it. To Oakland. Not that the Raiders didn't try to give the game away...
Icing the kicker: Memo to NFL coaches -- it doesn't work, dumbasses. Jay Feely bonked a field goal that would have given the Raiders a 13-10 win as time expired...only Oakland had called timeout. So, in essence, they gave Feely a practice kick. And that practice made perfect, because he nailed his "second" attempt. Said Feely: "I heard the whistle before I started, which is an advantage to the kicker. If you're going to do that, do that before he kicks. I can kick it down the middle, see what the wind does and adjust. It helps the kicker tremendously." Clearly Feely has an advanced degree from Duh! University. Which is more than I can say for most of the league's coaches.
Labels: AFC, Worst of the Weekend
1. The Cincinnati Bungals. Well, uh, the thing is...
I really don't know what else I can add here.
2. The Kansas City Chiefs. Tony Gonzales wants the hell out. But he's not getting out. And his teammates feel really sorry for him. Bummer for him, huh? It's just like Leonard at the end of Memento: Tony needs to believe in a world outside his own mind. He has to believe that his actions still have meaning, even if no one will ever remember them. He has to believe that when his eyes are closed, the world's still there. But the world's not there, Tony. It's not. Welcome to NFL purgatory. But at least you'll have plenty of Lions fans to keep you company.
Bonus quote: "Hopefully, the distractions of the past week won't affect us as we prepare for Tennessee," said coach Herm Edwards. Trust me, Herm. "distractions" are the least of your worries. But on the bright side, you can still save up to 15 percent on your car insurance by switching to Geico.
3. The Oakland Raiders. Is JaMarcus Russell worried about last week's poop-tastic performance, in which he completed only 13 of 35 passes and finished with a QB rating of 40.1? Hell no, bitches. Said Russell: "You're going to have times when things go bad. Like I said, you've just got move forward, and everything's not going to be perfect as far as how you draw it up. You've just got work hard and keep going." Ah, if only hard work could transform human feces into warm rays of the brightest sunshine. However, it cannot. But like my grandpa always used to tell me, when God give you lemons...it's time to find a new God, dumbass.
4. The New England Patriots. Two weeks after getting repeatedly burned by Miami's gimmick plays, the Patriots decided to fail in a completely different manner: Getting picked apart by simple long passing plays. Said cornerback Ellis Hobbs: "We expected those type of big plays." Aaaaaand...what, exactly, Ellis? Maybe Rodney Harrison has the answer. "We just have to cover better. It comes down to one man making a play against another man." Um, yeah, okay. Thanks and stuff, Rodney.
Anyway, Matt Cassell is making it increasingly clear that Bill Belichick's "genius" was three percent luck, seven percent common sense and 90 percent Tom freaking Brady. This makes me disproportionately happy for some reason.
5. The Cleveland Brown Stains. The entire Internet almost crashed on Monday night as millions of fantasy football team owners across the country rushed to pull Derek Anderson off waivers. This, of course, resulted in trade proposals that could be legally declared "dangerously insane" by the world's leading brainologists. One such trade proposal (to me) was Anderson for LaDainian Tomlinson, straight up. Another one (to a friend in another league) was Anderson and the injured Felix Jones for Jay Cutler.
What is it about fantasy sports that makes seemingly rational people try to become all Machiavellian? Earlier this season, a close friend very seriously proposed a trade in which I would hand over LT, Andre Johnson, Steve Slaton AND Tony Scheffler for Phillip Rivers. And when I politely refused, he made it seem like I was making a grave mistake. Part of the problem, I think, is that people want to make a steal on every trade. If the trade isn't radically lopsided in their favor, they don't want to go through with it. Also, people try to trade for points instead of needs. So they'll hold onto three quarterbacks and refuse to trade one of them for a wide receiver -- no matter how badly they need one -- if they can't get additional players to make the points match up exactly. I've witnessed one evenhanded trade this season: Jay Cutler for Clinton Portis. The guy who traded Cutler already had Drew Brees and really needed a running back. The guy who traded Portis had used his first round draft pick on Tom Brady. The trade worked for both teams. Why doesn't that happen more often?
6. The Houston Texans. Okay, before we get into this, I need to issue the following notice:
Now then. From Houston's team report: "Still grumbling to himself and grinding his teeth over an early fumble on a play he knew should have ended with a touchdown, Andre Johnson took it upon his broad shoulders to help his team. When quarterback Matt Schaub went to Johnson in the left flat, Yeremiah Bell seemed to arrive there first, but Johnson was not going to be denied that football. With muscle and grit, Johnson bested Bell in a desperate tug-o'-war that at least made the Texans' season salvageable." Is it just me, or is that an awful lot of drama for an event that "at least made the Texans' season salvageable"? And what does that even mean? That they won't go 0-15? I mean, for some teams, the sky's the limit. For the Texans, four or five wins is probably the limit. So for the moment, can we please save the drama for legitimate Super Bowl contenders and Green Bay quarterbacks? Thank you.
7. The Miami Dolphins. Just when I was totally prepared to admit the 'Fins might be for real, they hand the Texans their first lonely win of the season. And what's with Ricky Williams stealing carries from Ronnie Brown last week? Anyway, I'm going to reserve my final judgment on this team until after their next three games (Baltimore, Buffalo, at Denver). Until then, let's enjoy this old clip of Dan Marino freaking out.
8. The Baltimore Ravens. Well, we finally got a look at what Baltimore's defense can do against a real offense. And the Colts didn't even have a real offense this season until they played the Ravens. And speaking of offense, the Ravens' is truly offensive. I'm not talking "Nike's Hyperdunk ads" offensive. I mean straight up "Sarah Palin thinks human beings and dinosaurs were chilling out together 6,000 years ago" offensive. (I spoke with Science yesterday, and Science is not happy about that.) Expect increasingly awful things from tackling dummy/starting quarterback Joe Flacco now that guard Marshal Yanda is out for the season.
9. The Denver Broncos. Here's a list of things that would stand a better chance of stopping an NFL offense than the Broncos right now:
1. Those little green army men.
2. The Chewbacca Defense
3. That cheap toilet paper they stock in public restrooms
4. Aquaman
5. A gentle breeze
6. Grandma
10. The Jacksonville Jaguars. They've won three out of their last four games, and now they get a bye week followed by gimmies against the Brown Stains, Bungles and Surrender Lions. I'm telling you this now so you'll be prepared for about a month's worth of "The Jaguars are for real!" stories. It'll happen. Trust me on that. But don't be deceived. Kimbo Slice looked really good during those unsanctioned street fights against homeless people and local middle school students, but we saw what happened when he finally had to face one of the big boys. Fun fact: What would Jacksonville's backup quarterback Cleo Lemon be if he wasn't a football player? "Probably some kind of entertainer. I don't know what, but I'd be an entertainer." That's some valuable information right there.
11. The San Diego Chargers. Sure, they picked apart their painfully vulnerable arch-nemeses, the Patriots, but that's like beating up your jock tormentor at your 20-year high school reunion. I mean, look at the dude. He's a balding, pot-bellied mess. That's not really a win. At best, it's a draw. In fact, you kind of lose for holding onto that crap for so long. Just let it go, man. Move on.
12. The New York Jets. From the Jets' team report: "Eric Barton and Kris Jenkins were college teammates at the University of Maryland and have been reunited in the pros with the Jets. But when the veteran Barton was asked Monday if he had any good stories about Jenkins, all he noted was that 'he does make a great omelet.' Fitting that would be Jenkins' breakfast choice, because as opposing offensive linemen have discovered, he's very difficult to pancake." Who's writing this stuff? I mean, seriously.
13. The Buffalo Bills. That 41-17 pummeling at the beaks of the Cardinals was a wakeup call for everybody who was leaping furiously onto the Bills bandwagon. But what if Trent Edwards hadn't been knocked the hell out in that game? Is Edwards the sine qua non of Buffalo's potential greatness? Is he truly the dash of salt on their life's plate of Brussels sprouts? Maybe. But I don't care if he can create rainbows by batting his eyes, the first thing the Bills need to address is their running game: Heading into Week 7, Buffalo ranks 23rd in the NFL in rushing at 98.4 yards a game despite having the fattest, er, heaviest line in the NFL. You know, I'm pretty sure I could run the ball if I had a mack truck blocking for me, so who knows what the problem is. If that problem isn't fixed, and fixed soon, I predict more beatings (and maybe additional concussions) for Mr. Edwards.
14. The Indianapolis Colts. So what can we make of last week's 31-3 booty-blasting of the Ravens? Are they the old Colts once again? Or did they simply expose an overrated defense supported by a flawed offense captained by an unsteady rookie QB? As a Colts fan, I'm hoping for the former and fearing the hell out of the latter. Back-to-back road games against the Packers and Titans should be pretty telling. Random note: Rumor has it that the Colts finally admitted to Peyton Manning's second knee surgery only to distract from the size of his bulbous head, which continues to grow unabated. Soon, no helmet in this universe will be able to contain it.
15. The Pittsburgh Steelers. They pushed their record to 4-1 -- despite that rough Philly/Baltimore/Jacksonville stretch -- before reaching the bye week. They've got a figure-four leglock on their division. And they're getting healthy: Running back Willie Parker, defensive end Brett Keisel and nose tackle Casey Hampton are all expected to play Sunday. Could the news get any better? Next I'll find out they have their own brand of delicious beef jerky. Well, what d'you know?!
16. The Tennessee Titans. "The last undefeated team in the NFL" has a nice ring to it, you know? There are still plenty of chances for them to fall off of their perch, but somebody's gotta knock them off of it first. Until then, well, it's good to be king.
I really don't know what else I can add here.2. The Kansas City Chiefs. Tony Gonzales wants the hell out. But he's not getting out. And his teammates feel really sorry for him. Bummer for him, huh? It's just like Leonard at the end of Memento: Tony needs to believe in a world outside his own mind. He has to believe that his actions still have meaning, even if no one will ever remember them. He has to believe that when his eyes are closed, the world's still there. But the world's not there, Tony. It's not. Welcome to NFL purgatory. But at least you'll have plenty of Lions fans to keep you company.
Bonus quote: "Hopefully, the distractions of the past week won't affect us as we prepare for Tennessee," said coach Herm Edwards. Trust me, Herm. "distractions" are the least of your worries. But on the bright side, you can still save up to 15 percent on your car insurance by switching to Geico.
3. The Oakland Raiders. Is JaMarcus Russell worried about last week's poop-tastic performance, in which he completed only 13 of 35 passes and finished with a QB rating of 40.1? Hell no, bitches. Said Russell: "You're going to have times when things go bad. Like I said, you've just got move forward, and everything's not going to be perfect as far as how you draw it up. You've just got work hard and keep going." Ah, if only hard work could transform human feces into warm rays of the brightest sunshine. However, it cannot. But like my grandpa always used to tell me, when God give you lemons...it's time to find a new God, dumbass.
4. The New England Patriots. Two weeks after getting repeatedly burned by Miami's gimmick plays, the Patriots decided to fail in a completely different manner: Getting picked apart by simple long passing plays. Said cornerback Ellis Hobbs: "We expected those type of big plays." Aaaaaand...what, exactly, Ellis? Maybe Rodney Harrison has the answer. "We just have to cover better. It comes down to one man making a play against another man." Um, yeah, okay. Thanks and stuff, Rodney.
Anyway, Matt Cassell is making it increasingly clear that Bill Belichick's "genius" was three percent luck, seven percent common sense and 90 percent Tom freaking Brady. This makes me disproportionately happy for some reason.
5. The Cleveland Brown Stains. The entire Internet almost crashed on Monday night as millions of fantasy football team owners across the country rushed to pull Derek Anderson off waivers. This, of course, resulted in trade proposals that could be legally declared "dangerously insane" by the world's leading brainologists. One such trade proposal (to me) was Anderson for LaDainian Tomlinson, straight up. Another one (to a friend in another league) was Anderson and the injured Felix Jones for Jay Cutler.
What is it about fantasy sports that makes seemingly rational people try to become all Machiavellian? Earlier this season, a close friend very seriously proposed a trade in which I would hand over LT, Andre Johnson, Steve Slaton AND Tony Scheffler for Phillip Rivers. And when I politely refused, he made it seem like I was making a grave mistake. Part of the problem, I think, is that people want to make a steal on every trade. If the trade isn't radically lopsided in their favor, they don't want to go through with it. Also, people try to trade for points instead of needs. So they'll hold onto three quarterbacks and refuse to trade one of them for a wide receiver -- no matter how badly they need one -- if they can't get additional players to make the points match up exactly. I've witnessed one evenhanded trade this season: Jay Cutler for Clinton Portis. The guy who traded Cutler already had Drew Brees and really needed a running back. The guy who traded Portis had used his first round draft pick on Tom Brady. The trade worked for both teams. Why doesn't that happen more often?
6. The Houston Texans. Okay, before we get into this, I need to issue the following notice:
Now then. From Houston's team report: "Still grumbling to himself and grinding his teeth over an early fumble on a play he knew should have ended with a touchdown, Andre Johnson took it upon his broad shoulders to help his team. When quarterback Matt Schaub went to Johnson in the left flat, Yeremiah Bell seemed to arrive there first, but Johnson was not going to be denied that football. With muscle and grit, Johnson bested Bell in a desperate tug-o'-war that at least made the Texans' season salvageable." Is it just me, or is that an awful lot of drama for an event that "at least made the Texans' season salvageable"? And what does that even mean? That they won't go 0-15? I mean, for some teams, the sky's the limit. For the Texans, four or five wins is probably the limit. So for the moment, can we please save the drama for legitimate Super Bowl contenders and Green Bay quarterbacks? Thank you.
7. The Miami Dolphins. Just when I was totally prepared to admit the 'Fins might be for real, they hand the Texans their first lonely win of the season. And what's with Ricky Williams stealing carries from Ronnie Brown last week? Anyway, I'm going to reserve my final judgment on this team until after their next three games (Baltimore, Buffalo, at Denver). Until then, let's enjoy this old clip of Dan Marino freaking out.
8. The Baltimore Ravens. Well, we finally got a look at what Baltimore's defense can do against a real offense. And the Colts didn't even have a real offense this season until they played the Ravens. And speaking of offense, the Ravens' is truly offensive. I'm not talking "Nike's Hyperdunk ads" offensive. I mean straight up "Sarah Palin thinks human beings and dinosaurs were chilling out together 6,000 years ago" offensive. (I spoke with Science yesterday, and Science is not happy about that.) Expect increasingly awful things from tackling dummy/starting quarterback Joe Flacco now that guard Marshal Yanda is out for the season.
9. The Denver Broncos. Here's a list of things that would stand a better chance of stopping an NFL offense than the Broncos right now:
1. Those little green army men.
2. The Chewbacca Defense
3. That cheap toilet paper they stock in public restrooms
4. Aquaman
5. A gentle breeze
6. Grandma
10. The Jacksonville Jaguars. They've won three out of their last four games, and now they get a bye week followed by gimmies against the Brown Stains, Bungles and Surrender Lions. I'm telling you this now so you'll be prepared for about a month's worth of "The Jaguars are for real!" stories. It'll happen. Trust me on that. But don't be deceived. Kimbo Slice looked really good during those unsanctioned street fights against homeless people and local middle school students, but we saw what happened when he finally had to face one of the big boys. Fun fact: What would Jacksonville's backup quarterback Cleo Lemon be if he wasn't a football player? "Probably some kind of entertainer. I don't know what, but I'd be an entertainer." That's some valuable information right there.
11. The San Diego Chargers. Sure, they picked apart their painfully vulnerable arch-nemeses, the Patriots, but that's like beating up your jock tormentor at your 20-year high school reunion. I mean, look at the dude. He's a balding, pot-bellied mess. That's not really a win. At best, it's a draw. In fact, you kind of lose for holding onto that crap for so long. Just let it go, man. Move on.
12. The New York Jets. From the Jets' team report: "Eric Barton and Kris Jenkins were college teammates at the University of Maryland and have been reunited in the pros with the Jets. But when the veteran Barton was asked Monday if he had any good stories about Jenkins, all he noted was that 'he does make a great omelet.' Fitting that would be Jenkins' breakfast choice, because as opposing offensive linemen have discovered, he's very difficult to pancake." Who's writing this stuff? I mean, seriously.
13. The Buffalo Bills. That 41-17 pummeling at the beaks of the Cardinals was a wakeup call for everybody who was leaping furiously onto the Bills bandwagon. But what if Trent Edwards hadn't been knocked the hell out in that game? Is Edwards the sine qua non of Buffalo's potential greatness? Is he truly the dash of salt on their life's plate of Brussels sprouts? Maybe. But I don't care if he can create rainbows by batting his eyes, the first thing the Bills need to address is their running game: Heading into Week 7, Buffalo ranks 23rd in the NFL in rushing at 98.4 yards a game despite having the fattest, er, heaviest line in the NFL. You know, I'm pretty sure I could run the ball if I had a mack truck blocking for me, so who knows what the problem is. If that problem isn't fixed, and fixed soon, I predict more beatings (and maybe additional concussions) for Mr. Edwards.
14. The Indianapolis Colts. So what can we make of last week's 31-3 booty-blasting of the Ravens? Are they the old Colts once again? Or did they simply expose an overrated defense supported by a flawed offense captained by an unsteady rookie QB? As a Colts fan, I'm hoping for the former and fearing the hell out of the latter. Back-to-back road games against the Packers and Titans should be pretty telling. Random note: Rumor has it that the Colts finally admitted to Peyton Manning's second knee surgery only to distract from the size of his bulbous head, which continues to grow unabated. Soon, no helmet in this universe will be able to contain it.
15. The Pittsburgh Steelers. They pushed their record to 4-1 -- despite that rough Philly/Baltimore/Jacksonville stretch -- before reaching the bye week. They've got a figure-four leglock on their division. And they're getting healthy: Running back Willie Parker, defensive end Brett Keisel and nose tackle Casey Hampton are all expected to play Sunday. Could the news get any better? Next I'll find out they have their own brand of delicious beef jerky. Well, what d'you know?!
16. The Tennessee Titans. "The last undefeated team in the NFL" has a nice ring to it, you know? There are still plenty of chances for them to fall off of their perch, but somebody's gotta knock them off of it first. Until then, well, it's good to be king.
Labels: AFC, mean grandma, Powerless rankings
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Previous Posts
The AFC divisional playoffs: Duck and coverThe NFC Divisional Playoffs: A Tale in Two Acts
Worst of the Final Weekend (of the regular season)
Panthers/Giants: Hot Live Action!
Weekend Worsties: Awful Football Conference
The NFC's weekend pooperpalooza
Weekend crapercize: AFC bawfulness
NFC Week 13: The Search for Redemption
The Black Friday Bowl of Bawful
Pigskin on Turkey Day: Your All-Vegan Live Post
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