Sage Rosenfels: There's really and truly only one way to put this, and it is: EPIC FAIL.
Houston Texans: Midway through the fourth quarter of the Colts-Texans game, with Indy down 17 points, I got the following text message from futuremrsrickankiel: "AHAHAHA! I told you not to underestimate the Texans!" Yet the words I wrote in my weekly picks -- that the Texans had spent the week "[preparing] for the pain and heartbreak of yet another tragic failure" -- were beyond prophetic. (Although, granted, it was the Texans I was talking about, so actual prophesy was hardly necessary.) The Colts orchestrated an historic comeback by scoring 21 points in just over two minutes of game time. And by "orchestrated" I mean that they took advantage of Sage Rosenfumble's catastrophic meltdown, as videotastically illustrated above.
Said Houston's Mario Williams: "I've never seen anything in my life like that. For that to happen, I can't even remember seeing anything like that growing up. It's just devastating." Yeah, seriously. Although I think we've all seen something like it before...
Said Rosenfumble himself: "For one play I made a really stupid mistake and that started the downward spiral. I feel like I let those guys down." Yeah. That's the kind of downward spiral that usually results in explosions and frogs raining from the sky and stuff. Anyway, don't understate things, Sage. You didn't just let down your team. You let down the entire city of Houston...the entire state of Texas. On the upside, I'm sure your performance gave Matt Schaub a very healthy sense of job security.
San Diego Chargers: Ugh. The Bolts' loss to the Fins was only slightly below Sage Rosenfels on the Epic Fail-ometer. Picked apart by Chad Pennington's floppy chicken wing of an arm (21-for-29, 228 yards, 1 touchdown) and stomped flat by Downtown Ronnie Brown (125 yards, 5.2 yards per carry, 1 touchdown)...that's what I call a baaaaad day. You know, I'm sure that Norv Turner and his staff watched film of that Dolphins-Patriots game...and yet the Chargers still couldn't figure out what Brown was going to do. Ronnie took 11 direct snaps to earn 49 yards and score Miami's second touchdown. Norv, you did watch that game film right? And you know how to work the Rewind and Fast Forward buttons? Here's some salt in the wound: At one point, I heard the broadcasters say that Brown was grinning at the San Diego defenders before the snaps. At what point did Ronnie Brown earn the right to taunt opposing defenses? Shouldn't that have gotten him flattened?
Even worse, Brown's emergence -- or re-emergence, if you count that four or five-game hot streak he had last year before getting hurt -- is coinciding with LaDainian Tomlinson's descent. LT "rushed" for only 35 yards (almost 100 yards fewer than Brown) and scored zero TDs, plus he got stuffed on a fourth-and-one that would have tied the game at the beginning of the fourth quarter. Said Tomlinson: "It was one of our favorite plays down there, and we have been successful in doing it. They get paid too, and they did a good job of snuffing out the play." Just change "the play" to "almost every play we tried to run" and he's exactly right. Seriously, I hope we find out at some point that Brown and LT were involved in some sort of Face/Off-style switch. That would maybe make a little sense.
Chris Perry: He personally sunk the Bengal's comeback battleship by fumbling the ball away on a run-of-the-mill rushing attempt. He wasn't even Sage Rosenflailing through the air or anything. You know, like this:
Mind you, this happened a scant three plays into a drive that began after the Bengals had pulled to within a point and then successfully recovered an onside kick. Nothing like single-handedly destroying your team's hope for a stirring upset. Perry, Sage Rosenfels and the Chargers should form an Epic Fail support group. Note: That was Perry's fifth fumble in five games. Man, you know a guy has stone hands when they bring in Ced Benson to back him up. [Slaps forehead. With a brick.]
Chad Ocho Cinco: He had three receptions for only 43 yards and no touchdowns, yet look how damn happy he was after the game:
Pictured above: Grinning idiot.
Screw you, Ocho. You have officially lost all right to be pleased with yourself for the foreseeable future, even if you put away over 100 shrimp at an all-you-can-eat seafood buffet. You are an annoying prima donna who has become more of a distracting sideshow than an actual football player. If I was Carson Palmer, I would kick you square in the Spanish word for nuts.
Dallas Cowboys: Sure, they won, thanks to a gift that was wrapped and hand-delivered by Chris Perry. But they don't look very impressive these days, do they? And to think, a couple weeks ago people were talking about these jokers going undefeated. This happens every season. The media always wants the Cowboys to be better than they are, which is why it's so personally satisfying when they aren't.
Brian Griese: More prophetic words from my weekly picks: "If any man knows what it's like to fail in Denver, it's Bucs quarterback Brian Griese." Well, The Stair Master got knocked out of a close game by a blindside hit from Champ Bailey. And that, my friend, is how the Revenge Train can get derailed. And it was oh-so-cute watching Jeff Garcia scrambling around and trying to finish what Griese started. Kind of like watching a dog eat another dog's poop.
Groins: Broncos TE Tony Scheffler, DE Ebenezer Ekuban and TB Selvin Young all suffered left groin strains. [Winces.]
Buffalo Bills: Last week, Footbawful reader Nate emailed in about the due respect we have been so hesitant to give the Bills. This is what he had to say: "Random note that I will feel good about pointing out if the Bills continue winning and the Titans lose (and feel free to steal any and all of these if the Bills win and the Titans lose and you want to be the first blogger to acknowledge that the Bills just might be for real...because we all know that 'for real' means 'comparing relatively favorably with the Titans'): Everyone likes to point out that the Bills' opponents' records are a combined 4-11, and how terrifying the Titans' D looks (not going to argue either of those points). However, nary a mention that the Titans' opponents are a combined 3-12. And the Bills are only giving up 17 yards and 4 points per game more than the Titans (while averaging 15 more yards per game on offense.)"
Those were great points, and, frankly, things I should have picked up on before writing my picks and powerless rankings last week. BUT...well, we all saw what happened this weekend. Nate sure did. "Yeah...never mind. When people are saying that the Arizona freaking Cardinals are going to be the best test of your football team thus far and you fail that test in spectacular fashion -- the loss of one of the major catalysts of your resurgence notwithstanding -- it kind of undercuts any assertions you can make about the overall quality of said football team. As to the defense's bumblefuck, my only theory is that J.P. Losman entering any game causes all Buffalo players (and fans) to abandon all hope immediately. (I believe there is a Bible verse about this somewhere, 'And I beheld a pale rider on a pale horse, and Losman was his name, and hell in the form of poor decision making, an utter lack of leadership, and consistent untimely mistakes followed behind him. But he has a good arm and somehow his statistics never look particularly bad so people constantly make the assertion that he's not much worse than Edwards in spite of the fact the he does not seem to grasp the idea of a touch pass.' It's in the bible, so it has to be true.)"
Well, Nate, all I have to say is, doesn't that remind you an awful lot of those Bills teams that kept putting in Rob Johnson in over Doug Flutie? Because that's the first thing I thought of.
John Madden: Look, this man is obsessed with male legs. He oohs and aahs over somebody's legs every single week, and this time it was David Garrard's turn. Said Madden: "He has the biggest, strongest, most powerful looking calves I've seen on a quarterback ever." That comment was followed by several seconds of heavy breathing, and I don't think it was because he failed to make it to that ham sandwich somebody left only five feet away. (That's what his assistants are for.)
Fantasy futility: Okay, so two weeks after netting me -10 fantasy points, Ben Roethlisberger throws for 309 yards and 3 touchdowns. Mind you, I was so disgusted with his play so far this season, and so concerned about the litany of injuries the Steelers are dealing with, that I dropped -- not traded, dropped -- Big Ben for Kyle Orton this week. Which wouldn't have been a big deal if I'd played Orton, but I played Jake Delhomme instead. Which, again, probably would have been fine if the Panthers hadn't been running the ball down Kansas City's gullet. Oh, and LT continues to fail me. Okay. Rant over.
Jacksonville Jaguars: Home games against teams decimated by injuries...those are the ones you're supposed to win. It's finally official: The Jags have gone from being "The overlooked team that's better than anyone gives them credit for" to "The overhyped team that's not quite as good as everybody thinks they are." Congratulations, Jacksonville!