Green
The Rams now turn to Trent Green. Yeah. That should end well.

1. The St. Louis Rams: St. Louis is once again home to The Greatest Show on Turf. Unfortunately, in this case, that title is bestowed upon any team playing against the Rams. St. Louis has been outscored by a nad-shriveling 29-116 so far this season. Scoring only 10 points per game is pretty sad, but simultaneously giving up almost 40 points per game is "30-something bachelor playing Pokeman at the mall with other peoples' kids" sad. Oh, and now they're starting Trent Green, a.k.a. The Man of Glass, at QB? Great idea...assuming you want Trent Green dead.

Update! Here's a treat for your funny bone, courtesy of pistonsgirl4life: "So I followed the Wiki article you linked about 'The Greatest Show on Earth' and since I'm eating lunch and incredibly bored I decided to read it only to come across the following priceless gem at the very end: "Az-Zahir Hakim is (at the moment) out of the NFL.' Can't you just imagine Hakim re-adding the 'at the moment' bit over and over each season desperately hoping someone will call his agent?" Well, that's just great, pistonsgirl4life. Now Hakim will probably find this post during the three hour chunk of the morning he spends Googling his name, after which he'll spend the next hour or so crying. I hope you're happy with yourself.

2. The Detroit Lions: It's not that the Lions are appreciably better than the Rams, but Marc Bulger and Stephen Jackson are former Pro Bowlers. Has anyone in Detroit made the Pro Bowl since Barry Sanders gave up retired? (Don't bother answering; I don't really care.) What I'm trying to say is, the Rams should be better, and that makes them worse. You know? Kind of like cheese on a hotdog.

3. The Seattle Seahawks. Thanks to the glory of the bye week, the Seahawks get to bask in the glory of their first win (courtesy of the Rams) for a full 13 days. And when you're as dead sexy as Matt Hasselbeck, you should spend a lot of time basking. Preferably in baby oil.

4. The Washington Redskins. Tato skins got baked potato appeal, cause they're made with potatos and skins that are real! That's about all I have to say here. But I'll go ahead and say this anyway: Washington's 2-1, thanks to the general ineptitude of the Saints and Cardinals. But with back-to-back road games against Dallas and Philly coming up next, it doesn't take The Amazing Zoltar to tell you that the Redskins are about to tumble down...that is, up...in these rankings.

5. The Chicago Bears. Apparently, Lovie Smith and the Bears have decided to mix things up this season. Instead of wasting an awesome defense on a stab-my-eyes-out-please offense, they're wasting a somewhat competent offense on a can't-stop-Brian-Griese-in-the-fourth-quarter defense. I can appreciate that. I mean, if you're going to disappoint your fans year after year, you might as well do it in new and unexpected ways.

6. The New Orleans Saints. Okay, can I just say that Drew Brees is a freaking machine? He's thrown for 980 yards (first in the league) while completing 74 percent (also first in the league) of his 113 pass attempts (second to Peyton Manning's 120). Speaking of machines, does anybody else hate Cleatus, the FOX football robot? Then this video is for you:


7. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Can the Bucs keep winning if Brian Griese has to throw 60 times a a game? Sure, if they replace his throwing arm with a giant pumpkin catapult. Seriously, would that not be cool?

8. The Minnesota Vikings. Huh. Maybe Gus Frerotte really was the answer. Of course, the question was "What is the surest sign that Tavaris Jackson is a complete and utter bust?" Don't worry, though, Tavaris. I'm sure someone with your qualifications will have no trouble landing a top-flight job in either the food service or house keeping industries.

9. The Atlanta Falcons. Important fantasy note: The Falcons have gotten their two freebies (Detroit, Kansas City) out of the way, so if you haven't yet traded Michael Turner for way more than he's worth...what in the world are you waiting for?

10. The San Francisco 49ers. Sure, 2-1 sounds good until you realize the two wins were against receiver-less Seattle and hope-less Detroit. Until further notice, I will consider the Niners 0-1.

11. The Carolina Panthers. Want to know how Jake Delhomme felt last week against the Vikings? Here's how:


12. The Arizona Cardinals. That loss to the Redskins sure felt like a "They are who we thought they were" moment. Or was that just me? I mean, they're still the Cardinals, right? Do people really think they're gonna win their division and make the playoffs? Sure, and maybe Pauly Shore will win an Academy Award for his role in Encino Man II: Encino-ier Than Ever!

13. The Green Bay Packers. The Packers defensive line would like to officially thank the New England and Indianapolis D-lines for their dismal performaces against the Miami and Jacksonville running backs. After all, it drew attention away from the fact that Green Bay let Marion Barber and Felix Jones rush for 218 yards. That had to be like wetting the bed and then finding out that your brother just dissected the family cat. Because a nice distraction can act like a camouflage for your deficiencies.

14. The Philadelphia Eagles. Their defense looked "sharks with laser beams attached to their head" scary against the Steelers. BUT...it's three games in and McNabb is already banged up. And Brian Westbrook is "day-to-day" because of an ankle injury. I'm just saying that, right now, the Eagles have more to worry about than the government bailout.

15. The New York Giants. Remember in the first Pirates of Caribbean movie when Jack Sparrow said: "Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly." That sort of sums up how I feel about Eli Manning. Yeah, I know he won a championship and a Super Bowl MVP and all that. But he's still the same guy that overthrows his receivers, underthrows his receivers, and does everything but stick a gift tag on some of his passes. Basically, he's still a game-changing turnover just waiting to happen.

16. The Dallas Cowboys. The 'Boys defense got some sweet redemption against the Packers last Sunday. And that Tony Romo, he's like beef jerky. I can't stand looking at him, but he's oh so good. I know that came off as totally gay, but I can't fix it. Need to go out and get some beef jerky.

Labels: ,

5 Comments:
Anonymous Pistonsgirl4life said...
HAHAH, THE MATT MILLEN ERA IS FINALLY OVER!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAH, get ready to have to move this team down (and by that I mean up) several notches just as soon as our new GM has 2-3 seasons to rebuil...... wait a min.... that sounds like we're giving up on this year already and entering the Lion's 27th consecutive rebuilding project since Alex Karas joined the cast of Webster....

Bah whatever, THE MATT MILLEN ERA IS FINALLY OVER AND I'M SO HAPPY I DON'T CARE IF IT MEANS WE SUCK MORE FOR 2 SEASONS!

/leaves to go dance nekkid in a fountain.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Dude... the 'tato skins reference was 80's-tastic! I now have that commercial stuck in my damn head and I had totally forgotten about it! I'll never be able to watch the Redskins again without replaying those commercials in my head. Damn you, basketbawful!

Anonymous Pistonsgirl4life said...
So I followed the Wiki article you linked about "The Greatest Show on Earth" and since I'm eating lunch and incredibly bored I decided to read it only to come across the following priceless gem at the very end:

"Az-Zahir Hakim is (at the moment) out of the NFL."

Can't you just imagine Hakim re-adding the "at the moment" bit over and over each season desperately hoping someone will call his agent?

Blogger Basketbawful said...
pistonsgirl4life -- To celebrate Millen's departure, I've added your comments about Hakim to the post. Go Lions football!!

akdave -- Just you wait. I've got more jingles in store for you...

Anonymous Jon said...
Finally someone who shares my hate of that robot. It adds nothing.
And congrats to PG4L. I remember being at a Ducks/Red Wings playoff game IN ANAHEIM and there being people with fire millen posters.