Heya, Footbawful!

I'm sorry, but secretly a wee bit flattered, to see that I was missed this past week. It's been a rough one, I won't lie: first, a case of the flu that turned my insides to a gelatinous mess; then, a return to work on Thursday to discover that my team leader was out sick, leaving me with 2 days to prepare, alone, for a huge state-wide nonprofit convention tomorrow. (Yeah, I'm going into the office at 6 on a motherfucking Saturday. Whoopdiwoo!)

But you know what? It's all good... for two reasons. First, I'm back here, and I'm going to tell you with absolute certainty who's going to win their respective football games this weekend. Second, I have discovered the absolute hands-down never fail way to escape stress: the bubble bath.


I've introduced the bubble bath into my life as of the last couple weeks, and I swear I'm a new woman for it. Now, mind you, it has to be done properly. The water has to be so hot you almost can't stand it -- otherwise, it'll cool down too fast for you to enjoy a proper bathing experience. Next, you have to load the water with proper bath stuff... don't use the "bubble bath" they sell for kids, as it dries your skin out. Use something thick and vaguely oily (preferably of the Chanel perfume-scented variety). Boys, there's no reason you can't get in on this too. Dump some manly-scented shower gel (I suggest Lacoste for Men) in that tub and pop that tired nutsack on in there. Seriously, the minute you ease into that thing, it's like those 800 press kits you need to make in the morning don't even exist. Soak a little bit and breathe -- don't stay too long, though, or you get pruny! Hop out after about 15-20 minutes, while your skin's still red from the hot water, and pat (DON'T rub!) yourself dry with a fresh, fluffy clean towel... and (now this is the important part) do NOT put on clothes. Stay wrapped in a towel or, better yet, put on a bathrobe. (I'm not actually advocating nudity here, by the way, as running around in your birthday suit post-bath can give you a nasty chill. Unless, of course, you live in the British Virgin Islands or something, in which you are free to go dangle your junk in the wind for as long as you please.) The point is to let your skin breathe... and relax... and breathe... and relax...

Mmm. Aren't we feeling nice and peaceful now? I know I am. Because I just took a bubble bath. In our newly-enlightened state of mind, let us now discuss, in a calm and oh-so-zen manner, the AFC games for this week.

Philadelphia Eagles over Cincinnati Bengals. Ahh, the bye week. The bubble bath of professional football. Fresh out of their bubble bath, the Bengals are diving face-first into a pass defense that is most certainly going to shred any semblance of offense they've deluded themselves into thinking they have. Which is way worse than even the scratchiest of scratchy towels. The good news is that, um, Carson Palmer, um, well, never mind.

Basketbawful says: They got their one win out of th way. Now they can take the rest of the season off to laugh at the Lions Zeroes.

Kansas City Chiefs over New Orleans Saints. "She's crazy, folks! It's the bubbles talking!" Here's the thing. Drew Brees? Unquestionably the league's best quarterback this year. The Saints, however? CANNOT FREAKING WIN ON THE ROAD. Moreover, Tyler Thigpen? A woefully underrated backup (even in this, the apparent Year of the Backup) who has thrown 6 TDs and not a single pick in his last 3 games. Hell, maybe it is the bubbles talking (whee!), but I really think the Chiefs have this one in them.


Basketbawful says: I'm taking the Saints in this one. It'll get them back to .500 and establish some unrealstic "Hey, maybe they CAN make the playoffs!" expectations that they can totally crush with a devestating loss NEXT week. Trust me on this one.

Miami Dolphins over Oakland Raiders. I'd say that the Raiders chances are hurt this week by the absence (likely for the rest of the season) of wide receiver Javon Walker, but let's not kid ourselves: The Raiders have the most breathtakingly awful passing game in the league, and missing one wideout isn't going to make a hoot of difference. The Dolphins, by contrast, are an actual football team with a "quarterback" who "passes" and all that good stuff. Hence, they shall triumph.


Basketbawful says: The Raiders don't have a candy bar's chance in a group full of stoned college students.

Houston Texans over Indianapolis Colts. Yes that's right. Why? I don't know. The Colts are at home. The Texans are bad. It should be a no-brainer... but you know? The Colts' tepid offense is only averaging 21.2 points per game, while the Texans' offense -- granted, Matt Schaub is out, but Rosenfels can still throw the football and he's got something to prove -- is averaging 23.2 a game. It's a flimsy stat at best, but it's buoyed by the fact that I just can't see a Colts team this inconsistent winning 3 in a row. So there it is, I guess.

Basketbawful says: Sage Rosenfels has already proven that he believes it's better to give than to receive. To the other team, that is. The Colts continue their Wild Card bid this week.

Pittsburgh Steelers over San Diego Chargers. Don't let last week's loss to the aforementioned Colts fool you: these Steelers are a very good team, and their defense is a freaking force of nature. Meanwhile, the Chargers' foppish, wheatgrass juice-drinking So-Cal defense is one of the league's worst. Thus, the Steelers will be able to score many points, while the Chargers will score not many points, and the accrual of many points rather than not many points will inevitably win the day.

Basketbawful says: Man, if LaDanian Tomlinson owners have been bummed out so far this season, they'll be suicidal after this week. Good gods, I sure hope you people picked up Chris Johnson or Steve Slaton when they were available.

Washington Redskins over Dallas Cowboys. Like their Cincinnati brethren, these Redskins are fresh from their league-mandated bubble bath and heading into a match-up with a tough NFC East team. The difference, of course, is that the Redskins do not suck at football in colossal and mind-boggling ways. Oh, sure, Tony Romo is making his bedimpled return to the Cowboys this weekend following the Boys' bye week bubble bath (bodacious!), and Dallas already dropped one to Washington this year, but look: these Redskins are not going to lose two in a row at home, and their defense absolutely has the tools to contain the Dallas offense.

Basketbawful says: Hm. I have a feeling that Romo's return is going to juice this team up the way a free breadstick upgrade on their pizza delivery would psyche up a World of Warcraft player. Plus, Portis is hurt. They aren't rolling without their MVP candidate.


Buffalo Bills over Cleveland Browns. Oh, don't get me wrong. Brady Quinn was, in all honesty, terrific last week. But remember: he was playing the Broncos. The Bills defense is not great, but it's certainly not Denver bad. I think this'll be a close one, but ultimately I see Buffalo taking the day. I might change my mind over the weekend, though. Perhaps I'll take a bubble bath and mull it over.

Basketbawful says: Bills versus Browns, Bills versus Browns...eh, easy. This will be yet another "They are who we thought they were" week for Mistake by the Lakers.

Labels: do NOT Google Image 'bubble bath" at work, foppish is my new favorite word, Weekly picks

Bears over Titans: The Bears' season began with a quarterback competition that took place in training camp. Since the coaching staff wanted to be fair to both players, Kyle Orton was asked to tie both shoes, using a complicated double-knot scheme. Rex Grossman, on the other hand, was required to navigate his way through a maze populated by giant insects that can crush cars with their powerful mandibles. He was also blindfolded. And set on fire.

Anyway, we all know how that turned out. But the cruel fates have forced Lovie Smith to once again turn over his offense to Rex Grossman. Which is kind of like asking a suicidal meth addict to babysit your children. Between Rex and Chicago's hopelessly substandard defense, this game has all the fixin's for an epic Bears defeat. Which is exactly why I'm picking them.

Look, every team, no matter how good, has a banana peel game. And it's usually against a team or under circumstances in which they least expect it. Think the Rams throught they'd lose the Super Bowl to the Patriots back in '01? Think the Patsies thought they'd lose to the Giants last season? Nope and nope. Right now, Rex Grossman has everything to prove and absolutely nothing to lose. I say he plays well, the Bears win, and we get ourselves a brand new QB controversy in the Windy City. Good times!

How could they possibly...fail...uh...oh no.GOOD GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
Saints over Falcons: As I said in the Powerless Rankings, the Falcons are playing with house money right now. They were expected to do exactly Jack and Shit...and Jack left town. The Saints, on the other hand, are already on the brink of playoff elimination in the midst of a year of high expectations. They need this game. It could potentially make or break their season.

See, it's just like when you're out at the bars. You could have two women of roughly equal beauty and intelligence, but the advantage almost always goes to the one who's a little more desperate. She's more likely to dress a little sluttier, dance a little dirtier and lower her standards just a little bit more than the other girl. In short: She'll do whatever it takes to win. (And in this case "win" usually means going home with an overweight, middle-aged computer programmer whose wife is out of town for the weekend, but a W is a W, right?) Anyway, that's where the Saints are. They'll do anything to win this game.

Because nobody would watch if they were just "Housewives."
Packers over Vikings: Last week, the Vikings barely beat the Texans. Meanwhile, the Packers pushed the unbeaten Titans to overtime and lost by a field goal. Aaron Rodgers was 22-of-41 for 314 yards and a touchdown against a pretty stingy Tennessee defense while the Vikes were padding their stats against Houston's "Thighs Wide Open" D. I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes a loss is more impressive than a win. But...

Vikings over Packers: You know what? The Packers have the sixth-worst rush defense in the league, allowing 146.4 yards per game. And Adrian Peterson ran for almost 140 yards last week...and he plays his best at home (487 yards on 96 carries in four games at the Metrodome). That can only mean one thing:


The reality is, although Rodgers has turned out to be pretty good, the rest of the Pack are pretty "meh" or worse. My take: They shot their wad against the Titans last week. By Monday morning, you'll have to scape these guys out of AP's cleats.

Jets over Rams: When we were divvying up the interconference games, the FutureMrs said: "Jets + Rams = We All Lose." But I respectfully disagree. All week I've been reading and hearing about how Brett Favre is (finally) washed up, how he keeps throwing picks, how his yardage and QB rating keep dropping every game. But I've watched Brett long enough to know one thing: He can really beat the hell out of bad teams. And that's what the Rams are. A bad, bad, baaaaaad team. So not only will the Jets win, Brett Favre fantasy owners will win...big time (I'm thinking 250+ yards and 3 TDs, and that's a conservative estimate.) Of course, the consequence of this will be that, next week, those people will probably think Favre's on a hot streak and get blindsided when he throws for 162 yards and 3 INTs. But whatever.

Bubba chomp. Bubba chewy chomp.
Another thing to consider: The Jets defense is actually getting really tough. Last week, they held the Bills to 30 yards rushing and sacked Trent Edwards five times. (If only they could have mangled his pretty face a little bit...) On the season, the Jets are holding opponents to 76.0 rushing yards per game, which is fourth in the league behind the Steelers, Vikings and Ravens. That's bad news for the Rams, since their only real offensive weapon is Steven Jackson. Who, by the way, is in coach Jim Haslett's dog house.

On the first play of last Sunday's 34-13 loss to the Cardinals, Jackson "declared himself unprepared to run the play that was called -- an outside cutback run he wasn't ready to handle." Jackson finished with seven rushes for 17 yards. And coach wasn't pleased. Said Haslett: "Steven has got to give us a full day's work this week or he will not play...we can't go into a game not knowing whether he can play or not." Oh really? What other option do you have, coach? Backup RB Antonio Pittman suffered a hamstring injury on that previously mentioned first play and Travis Minor got a concussion on special teams. So it's pretty much SJ or bust. I'm gonna go with "bust."

Eagles over Giants: New York is ranked second in the league in sacks with 30.0. Philly is fourth with 27.0. You know what that means: SACK PARTY!!


My guess is that Peyton's little brother will be this week's sack attack victim. The fact that the Giants keep winning has sort of disguised this, but the youngest Manning hasn't been sucking up a storm lately. After averaging 258.0 yards with a QB rating of 102.2 through the first four games, Eli has has averaged a 78.5 quarterback rating over the past four weeks...while failing to throw for 200 yards even once. And despite the fact that the Giants thumped the Cowboys last week, Eli lost two fumbles, got sacked four times, had an interception returned for a touchdown and threw for a season-low 147 yards. Those are some pretty ugly numbers for a guy who's team won by 21. I bet the Eagles defenders are licking their chops...

Cardinals over 49ers: Let me recap the sitch for you: Coach Mike Singletary is dropping his draws in the locker room and Shaun Hill is replacing J.T. O'Whateverthehell at quarterback. Greeeeeat. That's like having Robin show up to rescue you.


Look, the Cards are the highest scoring team in the league (29.3 PPG). They're also undefeated at home...where they're beating people by 17 points per contest. And San Fran is mournfully defenseless: They're curently ranked 30th in points allowed (28.8 PPG). I just don't see them winning a shootout in 'Zona, no matter how amazing Samurai Mike looks in his tighty whities.

Last week's abbreviated record: 4-4

Season record: 57-36

Labels: Basketbawful versus futuremrsrickankiel, NFC, Weekly picks

Bills over Jets. Get ready for Slopfest '08! Starring Brett Favre, thrower of seven interceptions in his last three games! Also starring the Buffalo Bills, who last week choked up a loss to the Miami Dolphins by turning the ball over on their final four possessions of the game. Who will make the fewest game-changing mistakes? My money's on the Bills. I'm kinda done taking Favre on the road for the foreseeable future.

The "Way to let him off the hook, coach..." quote of the week: "I think there's a lot of years gambling going on in terms of making some unbelievable plays and making plays that you would like to have a chance to do it over again. But, that's what he's done and he's been very successful." - Jets coach Eric Mangini, regarding Brett Favre's habit of gift-wrapping the football and placing it gently in the hands of his opponents.

Jaguars over Sad Tigers: When your team falls is 0-8 and looks like a hopeless patsy week after week, it would be natural to just give up. But T.J. Houshmandzadeh has predicted that the Sad Tigers will NOT go winless this season. In fact, he went so far as to guarantee at least two wins because "we're a better team than we've shown." Seriously, I would be laughing my butt off if the Sad Tigers weren't so very, very sad.

The "Uh, I think it's a little too late for that, coach..." quote of the week. "When you've been embarrassed like we were, the only way to get away from that is to redeem yourself. And the only way to redeem yourself is to go do better, and do better right away, and not let it sit and spoil you." - Sad Tigers coach Marvin Lewis, regarding what his team has to do to stop sucking. Sorry, coach. I'm pretty sure your team is spoiled already.

Ravens over Browns. I know, I know. The Browns are all resurging and everything. You know what else resurges? A Taco Bell beef combo burrito after a night of heavy drinking. See where I'm going with this? If not, let me spell it out: The Browns are my pick for the "They are who we thought they were" team of the week.

The Browns really don't stand a burrito's chance.
The "Uhm, you sure about that, coach..." quote of the week: "We think we're creative. We think we have a chance to be an exciting offense; we think we've been that." - Ravens coach John Harbaugh, regarding his team's offense, which is currently ranked 27th in passing and 26 in points. Note also that QB Joe Flacco has 3 touchdowns on the season versus 7 interceptions and 6 fumbles. Which I guess is kinda of exciting...

Buccaneers over Chiefs. Blah, blah, blah, stats this, numbers that. Whatever. I'm not picking the Chiefs unless they're playing the Zeroes or the Sad Tigers. Which they aren't this week. Fantasy sidenote: Earnest Graham owners rejoice! The Chiefs are last in the league against the run (196.9) and have allowed a league-high 14 rushing touchdowns. Start him with confidence.

The "Oh, I really hope you're just kidding, coach..." quote of the week: "I think what it does, it gives you some hope that the guy can continue to play like that, that he's going to get better, and that you've got a guy who's consistent at the quarterback position." - Chiefs coach Herm Edwards, regarding last week's "Never to be repeated" 25-for-36, 2-touchdown performance by Tyler Thigpen.

Titans over Packers. The Packers aren't going to win this one, but seeing as how it's Green Bay and the Amazing Aaron Rodgers, at least they will lose in Dramatic Fashion (TM).

Fun fact #1: Green Bay is allowing 141.9 yards per game on the ground. The Titans, meanwhile, have averaged 145.0 rushing yards a contest.

Fun fact #2: The Titans have the league's best scoring defense: They've allowed only 87 points, 23 fewer than Pittsburgh and Baltimore (110).

The "Well, I certainly can't argue with your logic..." quote of the week: "Each week every team gets an opportunity to go out and play. We've had seven opportunities and won each of our games." - Titans linebacker Keith Bulluck regarding his team's 7-0 record.


Broncos over Dolphins. Ronnie Brown, prepare to get a case of the runs, courtesy of Denver's 30th ranked rush defense. That said, I see this game turning into a shootout, and I'm gonna take Cutler's arm over Pennington's arm. Although, did you know, old Noodle Arm Chad is completing almost 70 percent of his passes? And that he's ninth in the league in yards (1,710)? Time to check Penny's basement for Body Snatcher pods, I guess...

"That's not Chad Pennington! Kiiiiiill it!"
The "Alright, enough is enough..." quote of the week: "My arm is stronger than God's, even if God's replaced his throwing arm with the Incredible Hulk." - Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler, regarding his cosmic arm strength.

Colts over Patriots. No. Absolutely not. I won't do it. I will not pick Matt Cassel over Peyton Manning. Not in Indianapolis. Never. No way. Not even if Manning barely escaped a deadly sea otter attack in which he lost both arms and all but a chunk of his left leg. I don't care about all the injuries and inconsistency and flat-out pooparific play. It's just not happening.


The "Thanks for the news flash, coach..." quote of the week: "In the grand scheme of things, winning the division is going to be tough to do." - Colts coach Tony Dungy, regarding his team's chances of overcoming a 3-4 start to overtake the undefeated Titans.


Steelers over Redskins. No, wait...

Redskins over Steelers. While briefly researching this game, I ran across the following headline: Big Ben suffering weekly poundings. When I clicked on the link, it only improved slightly: Big Ben standing up -- so far -- to weekly poundings. Oh my. Call me immature to the point of idiocy if you like, but I laughed really hard when I read those. I can't possibly pick the Steelers on the road against a good team while Roethlisberger is getting pounded to regularly.

The "Oh, you're confused...now I get it..." quote of the week: "The whole NFC East is (similar to the Eagles and Giants). They're throwing a lot of blitzes at you. They're all big guys who can move around and throw different looks at you and try to confuse you." Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, regarding why he's taking those weekly poundings.


Last week's record: 9-5

Season record: 53-32

Labels: AFC, Basketbawful versus futuremrsrickankiel, Weekly picks

Baltimore Ravens over Oakland Raiders. Three words: Take. The. Under. The shut-down Baltimore defense and comatose Baltimore offense will carry the day in a game that will likely feature no more than 3 scoring drives and a whole lot of Darren McFadden getting stuffed. Do not watch this game. I'm in Washington, D.C. (what a whole lot of unnecessary punctuation for one city name) this weekend and I'm doing everything in my power to ensure that I do not get stuck watching this game. I'd recommend that you do the same.

Basketbawful says: What's black, white and red all over. The Raiders after Sunday's game.

Buffalo Bills over Miami Dolphins. I'm truly sorry to those of you Dolphins fans who got all excited by those 2 exciting wins back at the beginning of the season. Now reeling from back-to-back losses to the Ravens (ick) and the Texans (double ick), Miami's inevitable plunge back into irrelevance will be hastened along by a loss to the Bills this weekend. The good news is that they play Denver next week, which means Chad Pennington will absolutely pass for 500 yards and Ronnie Brown will run the ball so hard a few innocent ladies in the stands might get pregnant. And then Dolphins fans will get their hopes up all over again before a second, inevitable disappointment. Which I guess is really bad news.

Basketbawful says: All I have to say is this: I hope all you Ronnie Brown fantasy owners sold high a few weeks ago. Oh, and Trent Edwards is my new man crush.

New England Patriots over St. Louis Rams. Honestly, I don't think anyone knows what to expect from this game. The Patriots rebounded from humiliation at the hands of the Chargers with a totally unexpected ass-whomping of the Broncos; meanwhile, the Rams have apparently chosen to defy the laws of nature entirely and win two games in a row. Seriously, I hear they've also invented a perpetual motion machine that will reverse entropy by 2012 and also makes delicious cupcakes. So, many people will tell you that anything could happen in this game -- like, honestly, Marc Bulger could very well morph into a truck, Optimus Prime-like, and mow down the Patriots defense while throwing a touchdown pass that opens up a portal into another universe. Wouldn't surprise me a bit at this point. I, however, say that the Patriots are absolutely going to win, as the one law of nature that will remain constant no matter what kind of wacky hijinks these Rams pull off is that I never pick against my Patriots. Whee!

Basketbawful says: Hm. I just don't see the Rams winning in New England. But, strangely enough, I can visualize Marc Bulger as Optimus Prime. Which would make Matt Cassel Megatron, right? Man, this is taking me to a scary mental place...

New York Jets over Kansas City Chiefs. Christ, when did the AFC become so awful? The Jets are going to win this, but we're all losers for it.

Basketbawful says: Kansas City might actually stand a chance in this game if Larry Johnson could take a break from choking bitches. But he can't, so they don't.

Jacksonville Jaguars over Cleveland Browns. Hey, everyone, Captain Obvious blogs for Jaguars.com! Permit me a quotation, if you will: "[At] some point in their remaining 10 games the Jaguars will have to get on a roll; they will have to put together a significant winning streak of some sort; say, five in a row or six out of seven, seven out of nine, etc." In other words, if the Jaguars want to have a good season they need to win more of their remaining games then they lose. But wait: there's more! "The Jaguars’ fate this season will be determined over the next five weeks," reveals our daring blogger. That will put us at, oh, Week 12 -- so, like, the Jaguars fate will be determined by the majority of the season that remains. How deliciously novel! "Too strong a statement?" questions this maverick of the blogosphere at the end of the column. Look, buddy. A strong statement is something along the lines of, "The Cleveland Browns are an absolute toxic cesspit of godawful quarterbacking and no offensive talent who could probably find a way to make a bye week still somehow come up a loss, and I fully expect Jacksonville to mash them into oblivion." You're more like, "I expect that several players wearing outfits that indicate to which team they belong will line up opposite one another on the field and possibly throw or otherwise move an oblong ball back and forth along the turf, perhaps even resulting in points scored at some juncture... ooh, did I overstep my bounds there?" Honestly. How do these people have jobs?

I really need to, like, stop perusing NFL.com. I think it's making me dumber.

Basketbawful says: Let me put it to you this way, I picked up the Jacksonville defense off of waivers as a one-week fill-in simply because they're playing the Browns.

Cincinnati Bengals over Houston Texans. I hate the notion of picking the Bengals to win anything that's not the Nobel Prize for Sucking (previous recipients include Eric Gagne and every M. Night Shyamalan film after The Sixth Sense), but a) the Bengals are not an 0-16 team, and b) the Texans are not a 3-wins-in-a-row team. This seems as good a time as any to mention that I met a guy last night who's a big Texans fan, and he was talking my ear off about why they should start Sage Rosenfels under center. I told him he was an idiot and laughed in his face. You can't teach this kind of charm, kids.


Basketbawful says: I'm all for trying to pick an upset, but this is like a five-year-old bed-wetter going up against an autistic fifth grader. It'll be an embarrassing slapfight, sure, but my money's still on the bigger kid. I'm taking the Texas Toasts.

Tennessee Titans over Indianapolis Colts. Take one of the league's best running games and mix it with a run defense that couldn't stand up to an old lady with a feather duster, and what do you have? Like 8,000 yards apiece for LenDale White and Chris Johnson. Don't fight the rhythm, baby.

Basketbawful says: It's hard to pick against my Colts...but the way they're playing makes that easier and easier every week. Much as I like to man-crush on my boy Peyton, I don't see Indy taking down the league's last unbeaten team. Unless, like, they wire their defensive line with explosives. Of course, that would still require them to, like, make actual physical contact with Johnson and White...

futuremrsrickankiel's Week 7 Record: 11-3 WOOO!

Season Record: 39-31

Labels: bad bloggers, Basketbawful versus futuremrsrickankiel, Weekly picks

Carolina Panthers over New Orleans Saints. This NFC South tilt between the 4-2 Panthers and the 3-3 Saints is bound to be one of the top games you'll see this weekend. This is an interesting pairing given that these teams are sort of each other's inverses: the Panthers are monsters on defense with a decent offense, while the Saints are competent on defense with a sizzling-hot attack. Ultimately, though, I think the Panthers' pass rush and air-tight coverage will carry the day in this one.

Basketbawful says: The FutureMrs has a crush on the Panthers. I have one on Drew Brees and his sexy mole. So I'll have to go with the Saints.

Minnesota Vikings over Chicago Bears. The Clash of the 3-3 Titans! The Ferocious Battle For NFC North Supremacy! Orton vs. Frerotte!

...

OK, so not a whole lot of compelling story lines surrounding this one (unless you happen to be emotionally invested in either of these teams, in which case I'm terribly sorry for you). Here's the big one: Adrian Peterson vs. Matt Forte. There's no question that Peterson's the more efficient running back: he's got approximately the same number of carries as Forte (129 vs. Forte's 127), but has over 100 yards more than the Bears' rookie (563 vs. 459). These teams are so similar in so many other ways that I honestly think it's going to come down to the difference between your top back averaging 4.4 yards a carry rather than 3.6 yards a carry. Overly simplified? Perhaps. But I like the Vikings.


Basketbawful says: Well, I've successfully predicted each of the Bears' collapses this season. Boo-yah for yours truly. But something occurred to me today: Maybe I'M the problem. Maybe I just gotta believe in my team. Plus, as amazing as Peterson is, the Bears have one of the best run D's in the league: They currently rank fifth in the NFL against the run, allowing only 74.3 yards per game. So in all likelihood, that means Gus Frerotte is going to have to beat them with his arm. And as a Bears fan, I feel pretty good about that.

New York Giants over San Francisco 49ers. I don't feel like I need to explain this one.... but, for those of you who demand "statistics" and "logic" and "reasons" for these picks, here's a doozy for you: The Giants defense -- even without Strahan and Umenyiora -- has 15 sacks on the season...an average of 3 sacks per game. Meanwhile, P.J. O'Hanrahan or whatever his name is on the 'Niners has been sacked 23 freaking times. There. That enough of a reason for ya?


Basketbawful says: This is about the time when I'd normally say something like, "They're gonna have to carry what's left of J.T. O'Sullivan off the field IN A SACK." But that would be silly. I doubt there'll be enough of his left to fill a thimble. And that's gonna be a GIANT problem for the Niners. Sorry. Probably should have stopped at least a couple sentences ago.

Dallas Cowboys over St. Louis Rams. ...

Basketbawful says: Apparently, the FutureMrs felt that the outcome of this game was so obvious, there was no need for commentary. And while she's probably right about that, I just have to say a few things. Like, what the hell is Tony Romo thinking? "I must play! My team needs me...AGAINST THE RAMS!" I figured this had something to do with Romo's desire to be Brett Favre: Part II, and I was right. It appears Favre talked him into playing. Which is a pretty brilliant move by Brett if you think about it. I mean, if the Jets and Cowboys both manage to make it to the Super Bowl, Romo having a mangled finger on his throwing hand would sure help New York's chances.

Houston Texans over Detroit Lions. Gah! It's like choosing between having my foot stepped on repeatedly or having to wait in line at the Registry of Motor Vehicles. One is painful, one is annoying, and frankly I'd rather have neither and be done with it. It's actually too bad, I think, that Sage Rosenfels won't be starting for the Texans...the spectacular smorgasboard of suck (super!) of a Rosenfumble/Orloverthegoallinesky matchup would surely be an amusing watch. As is, though, we'll just be treated to Matt Schaub pulling out an uninspired victory over a failtacular Detroit team. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Basketbawful says: At this point, the Lions' only real hope for victory would be for a worm hole to spontaneously open up and suck them into some bizarre alternate universe where everybody sucks at football worse than they do. Which would strain credulity even for science fiction.

Washington Redskins over Cleveland Browns. I don't care what you think you saw on Monday Night Football. The Redskins? A surprisingly strong team that's consistent on offense and competent on defense The Browns? Still very very bad. It's worth pointing out, by the way, that in St. Louis' win over the 'Skins last week, the top players were Jason Campbell (passing), Antwaan Randle El (receiving), and Clinton Portis (rushing). All Washington players. Don't write these Redskins off... and, even if you do, DON'T pick the Browns over them. That's just plain silly.


Basketbawful says: Hm. I sense a "They are who we thought they were!" vibe coming from the direction of Cleveland...

Tampa Bay Buccaneers over Seattle Seahawks. Yarrr, mateys! These Buccaneers shall scuttle these scurvy Seabirds. Avast! Ye landlubbers may swear on it. Yarrr!


Basketbawful says: That furious outburst of panting and moaning you just heard was the simultaneous orgasm of every fantasy football team owner who has the Tampa Bay defense and/or Earnest Graham on their roster.

futuremrsrickankiel's Week 4 Record: 4-10


Season record: 28-28. I AM THE NFC NORTH OF FOOTBALL PICKS.

Labels: Basketbawful versus futuremrsrickankiel, my picks are terrible, Weekly picks

You can expect big things from Gus this week. Trust me.
Minnesota over Detroit: John Kitna versus Gus Frerotte. FEEL THE POWER. But ol' Gus must be looking forward to Sunday like it's Christmas, International Talk Like A Pirate Day, and California Wild Rice Month all rolled into one! According to an article in today's Chicago Sun Times:

Kyle Orton (121.4) is the fourth consecutive quarterback to have his career-best passer rating against the Lions, following the Falcons' Matt Ryan (137.0), the Packers' Aaron Rodgers (117.0) and the 49ers' J.T. O'Sullivan (123.3).

In fact, the last 12 quarterbacks to face the Lions have had ratings of 100 or higher. The Cardinals' Tim Rattay threw one pass against the Lions last year and hit 118.8.

Surely you see where I'm going with this? Frerotte is likely to go off for 300 yards and a couple touchdowns. At least. Detroit is just that bad. And Jon Kitna knows it, although he can't figure out why. "I wish I could put a finger on that for you. But I think there's too many factors to even really start to talk about one thing. There's been a lot of things that have caused us problems, and continue to cause us problems." Too many factors, eh? Like that your entire teams sucks to the extreme, pretty much from top to bottom? Or that they face a talent deficit at every position, even for doing simple things like chewing gum and playing Candyland with their kids? Those kinds of things, Jon?

Random meaningless stats: Detroit's last win at the Metrodome came in 1997 and the Vikings are 17-3 against them over the past ten seasons. However, the Lions were 0-12 when they beat the Vikings during the 13th game of the 2001 season. So, you know, anything can happen. (But it won't.)

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Ah christ. I'm dying to be contrarian and pick the Lions, but I just checked the team website and it looks like Jon Kitna might not even start on Sunday. Who's worse than the Lions? The Lions with a backup QB. Sigh. Vikes take this one.

Atlanta over Chicago: Kyle Orton versus Matt Ryan. FEEL THE POWER AGAIN. Yowch. Both QBs played extremely well last week, but there's ample evidence to suggest that Orton is due for a big (perhaps even epic) dropoff. From that same Sun Times article:

And a week later, it was back to reality: Ryan dropped to 29.6 against the Bucs; Rodgers to 80.1 against the Cowboys and O'Sulivan to 59.6 against the Saints -- a big reason why teams that play the Lions are 0-3 against the spread the following week.

The decompression from re-entry after torching the Lions is the bigger challenge: Tony Romo (22.2), Brett Favre (8.9), Eli Manning (33.8), Jeff Garcia (45.4) and Donovan McNabb (61.0) are among those who crapped out in their next game.

Surely you see where I'm going with this? Fortunately for fans of non-horrible football, this game will likely be defined by running: Michael Tuner has rushed for 324 yards in his previous two home games, and Matt Forte is pretty good too (and the Falcons have the eighth highest yards per carry allowed at 4.6). But minus their games against the Bizarro Colts and the Surrender Lions, the Bears have one shaky win against the Eagles and two even shakier losses to the Panthers and Bucs. So, uhm, I'm not quite ready to pick Kyle and the Ortonairres on the road against a team that's been pretty explosive at home.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: No one's been able to run the ball against Chicago so far this season -- they've allowed just 74.2 rushing yards per game. And, as we all know, Atlanta has pretty much only one game: it's called Give The Ball To Michael Turner. Much as I like the Falcons offense this season, I don't think this one's in the cards.

Carolina over Tampa Bay: The Panthers have officially become the Ferris Bueller of the NFL. They don't necessarily look that impressive on paper, but everything they do sort of goes right, sometimes inexplicably. They're just kinda good at everything: Solid run defense, fantastic pass defense, rugged running game, cunning passing game. Now, the Bucs aren't bad themselves, especially on the ground: Tampa is averaging 5.3 yards per carry, third best in the NFL. But, again, they keep flip-flopping at the QB spot. Between Jeff Garcia and Brian Griese. And Griese's hurt. This instills me with the same sense of confidence President Bush calls for "confidence" in an "anxious time." Anxious time? The DOW is down almost 40 percent from a year ago, dude. This has gone beyond anxious and into bed-wetting territory. Hell, I wet my bed this morning, and I'm not ashamed to say so. But then again, I am. So very, very ashamed. ANYway...

futuremrsrickankiel sez: PANTHERS BABY PANTHERS!

Washington over St. Louis: Some teams get off the team bus running. The Rams get off the bus losing. If they tried to call a flipped coin, it would probably land on its side. Then explode. Then the shards would travel to the future and murder all their descendents. They are team of misfortune. The question is: Can anything be done? I say we give them some of this:


If that doesn't solve their problems throwing, running, scoring and defending, then nothing will, short of direct intervention from God. [Checks the sky] Yeah, probably not gonna happen.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: St. Louis should really consider changing their name from "The Rams" to just "The Sheep." The Washington Redskins are going 5-1.

Dallas over Arizona: My grandpa, bless his soul, was convinced that his body was the most accurate weather prediction device ever created. Aching elbow? That meant rain. Burning, scratchy feet? Snow was on the way. Eyeballs that glowed bright red? Whirlwind of locusts. Well, I must have inherited something from him, because I have a sixth sense of my own. I know when Kurt Warner is about to have one of his patented multiple-turnover games. You know, the kind where he tosses a couple picks and fumbles the ball away two or three times. I can just feel it, like a violent rash on my sensitive man parts. But not a real one. It's a totally metaphorical rash. Anyway, this is the week that the 'Boys get back on track and where the Cardinals remind us, yet again, that they are who we thought they were.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Dang, you totally didn't mention that it was Awkward Over-share Day on Footbawful! Anyhoodle, yeah, I'm not picking the Cardinals over the Cowboys. No chance.

Philadelphia over San Francisco: I know what you're thinking. The Eagles have dropped two in a row. They're already in a deep hole in their own division, in which the other three teams have already won four games a piece. Brian Westbrook has a sprained ankle and two fractured ribs, and their elderly female fans are mooning the opposition. (Naked old lady butts. Awesome.) Bad news, right? Well, don't worry about the Eagles. I repeat: DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THE EAGLES. Donovan McNabb called a team meeting. Problems solved.

Said McNabb: "I tried to let them know that it's easy for us to sit and say we could be undefeated right now or we should be 4-1, whatever it may be, but we're not. So, in order for us to correct that and put these four or five games behind us, we have to do it right now." Now that is the kind of leadership you expect from a guy who once threw up during the Super Bowl. Note to the world's leading cosmologists (not to be confused with the world's leading cosmetologists): I'm willing to bet that the pure inspiration generated by McNabb's stirring team meeting is what actually caused the Big Bang. That energy traveled billions of years into the past and created the universe and ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT. Thank you, Donovan. Without you, there would be no kittens. And I love kittens.

Artist's rendition of McNabb's motivational speech to the Eagles.
futuremrsrickankiel sez: I don't care if Donovan McNabb stripped naked, doused himself in Campbell's Chunky Soup, lit himself on fire, and hurled himself down the stairs of the Philadelphia Art Museum in an attempt to inspire his team. No Westbrook means NO OFFENSE. Period. San Francisco takes this one.

Green Bay over Seattle: The Seahawks have to be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after what happened to them against the Giants last week. Matt Hasselbeck probably can't sleep without the lights on, and I'd be willing to bet that the defensive linemen still can't summon the courage to use a public restroom without covering the toilet seat with an entire roll of Saran Wrap and several layers of toilet tissue. Fortunately, they face a foe enfeebled by injuries and the complete lack of anything resembling a running game. And this is Mike Holmgren's last chance to win a revenge game against his former team. Although Seattle's D is a mess. Man, this game is going to be like watching two emaciated homeless men fight for a chicken bone. Gah. But I'll take Green Bay.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Yecch. I don't like EITHER of these teams. But I'm taking the Seahawks, because, well, I don't know. SIGH.

Basketbawful's record last week: 8-6

Season record: 29-15

Labels: Basketbawful versus futuremrsrickankiel, Gus Frerotte, Kyle Orton, meaningless stats, Weekly picks

Houston Texans over Miami Dolphins. In my picks a couple of weeks ago, I noted that "the Texans are a terrible team, but they're not 0-16 terrible." I maintain that stance despite the Texans' apparent determination to prove me wrong. Ahman Green returns to the lineup this week but will play second fiddle to rookie Steve Slaton, who's already rushed for 285 yards and 3 TDs this season. Meanwhile, the Dolphins' running game is wholly dependent on their wacky single-wing offense that SOMEone SOMEwhere in the NFL is hopefully EVENTUALLY going to watch a video of. The Houston offense is averaging a point per game more than the Dolphins, and I truly think they'll eke out their first win of the season against Miami this week.

Basketbawful says: I dunno. Miami is on a hot streak. And they've got that whole Wildcat Formation thing going for them. Rrowrr!! Hssst!! Still, the Texans can't keep playing well and then tragically collapsing at the end of the game. Can they?! Why, yes. Yes they can. 'Fins win.

Baltimore Ravens over Indianapolis Colts. Uhh, yeah. This is definitely the first time in recent history I would ever have made this pick. However, the Colts' O-line right now looks like it could get picked apart by no more than a 12-year-old kid on a bike and a few well-timed squirts of bug spray. Meanwhile, Baltimore's defense is as beastly as ever. Pick up the phone, Peyton Manning. It's for you. It's Ray Lewis. He's coming for you, Peyton. He's coming for you.

Basketbawful says: The Colts won't keep losing at home. They just can't. Peyton Manning just picked up his phone and said, "I got three words for you, Ray-Ray: Bring it chump." Then he laughed and said, "Oh, gosh, that was a good one, Marvin. Uh, that is you, right? Marvin? Marvin?!" [pees pants]

New Orleans Saints over Oakland Raiders. Pop quiz: One of these teams has a quarterback that can pass. The other does not. Can you guess which one it is? Tune in on Sunday to find out!

Basketbawful says: I'm getting really sick and tired of telling people that the Saints are better than their record. If they lose this one, I'm going to throw my "Drew Brees is the bestest!" lapel pin right into the trash.

New York Jets over Cincinnati Bengals. Blech. I don't like anything about this game. New York's defense is terrible, but their offense is turning out to be explosive. The Bengals are hopeless at everything, but are playing with a chip on their shoulder -- not a good chip, either. One of those crappy cheap tortilla chips that come with ballpark nachos that you're stuck munching discontentedly on when you run out of the 0.02g of melted orange salty milk-related product they come with. Seriously, fuck those chips. Would it KILL you, Ballparks Of America, to shell out for some friggin' Tostitos With Lime?

Sorry, where were we again? Oh. Yeah, I think Cincy is due for a handful of wins before this season is done, but I think Brett Favre's offense is going to make them wish they'd never left Ohio. Or come to Ohio in the first place, for that matter.

Basketbawful: Damn. I really love Tostitos with a hint of lime. That's the important part: That it's just a hint. Not overpowering, just a perfect little zing of flavor. It's like a carb party in my mouth, complete with merengue music. Yeah, anyway, the Bungles are playing like a head wound patient who's trying to read random words from a medical dictionary. They ain't winning this week. Maybe some other week, but not this one.

Denver Broncos over Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jaguars defense is utterly inept against the pass. You know who's, like, really good at passing and stuff? Jay Cutler. JOSH SCOBEE CANNOT SAVE YOU NOW, JACKSONVILLE.

Basketbawful says: Against the wind. The Jags are running against the wind. They're older now and still running against the wind.

New England Patriots over San Diego Chargers. The Chargers are upset. Early in the season, Jay Cutler called them up and said, "Psst, hey guys! You know what would be funny? If we just decided to play this entire season [*giggle*] WITHOUT ANY DEFENSE!! [*snort*] Ohmigod wouldn't that be the funniest thing ever?" "Hyuk hyuk it shore would Jay," responded Phillip Rivers. Accordingly, he shot Shawne Merriman in the knee with a BB gun. Last week, Denver freaked that their moms might find out what they'd done and pulled out the defense they'd been storing in the bottom of their backpacks. OH SHIT SAN DIEGO WHAT NOW?!

Basketbawful says: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm gonna say it anyway: Marty Schottenheimer's dismissal is the worst thing that could have happened to the Chargers. By which I actually mean that Norv Turner's hiring is the worst thing that could have happened to the Chargers. Why did they hire him again? Watching him try to coach is like watching an 80-year-old man try to climb out of a beanbag. It's just sad. Mind you, I'm picking San Diego, only because the Pats are vulnerable and the Chargers really, really hate them. And that hate will make them stronger.

New York Giants over Cleveland Browns. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


Worst Monday Night game ever? Perhaps. Cleveland's offense is godawful to watch in and of itself, and watching the Giants score touchdowns makes me feel kind of like I just ate an entire pizza, a box of nachos, a thing of cotton candy, and 3 frozen lemonades right before going on Space Mountain. If you plan on watching this game, I'd suggest making a drinking game out of it, since you're not going to get through this one sober. The only rule you need: Drink every time Romeo Crennel looks sad. Trust me, it'll get you sloshed.


Basketbawful says: This is the most lopsided contest since that time I covered an ant hill with motor oil and set it on fire. Cleveland might very well disappear from our reality sometime during this game.

futuremrsrickankiel's Week 4 Record: 9-5

Season record: 24-18

Labels: Basketbawful versus futuremrsrickankiel, now I want some chips, Weekly picks