Houston Texans over Jacksonville Jaguars. Here's the thing: the Texans are a terrible team, but they're not 0-16 terrible. No, really. The Rams and the Lions, yes, but not the Texans. Meanwhile, the Jags are still playing without Jerry Porter and will in all likelihood be minus Maurice Jones-Drew this weekend. As bizarre as this NFL season's already been, I think this matchup will provide one of the more unlikely outcomes of the weekend.

[Note to self: find and destroy any and all NFL.com writers who still consider the comma splice an acceptable form of sentence construction.]

Basketbawful says: I asked John Madden about this game, and here's what he had to say: "The reason a team has a defense is to stop the other team's offense. And the reason a team has an offense is to score points. So really, the reason there's a defense is to make sure the other team doesn't put up a lot of points." I... couldn't agree more. And I don't see Houston's offense putting up many points against Jacksonville's defense, unless somebody on the Texans' training staff replaces the Jaguars' jockstraps with feral monkeys. And maybe not even then.

Cincinnati Bengals over Cleveland Browns. Let me see. How can I put this? BLECH. The Great Oh-Eight Ohio Suckfest, Part I is officially upon us in this sure-to-be-epically-terrible Clash of the 0-3 Titans. The difference-maker here: Carson Palmer appears to genuinely want to win at some point, whereas Derek Anderson does not.

Basketbawful says: I can think of only one way to improve this game: Right before kickoff, deliver letters to all of the players on each team. The Cleveland players will be told that their families have been taken hostage and will be killed if they lose. The Cincinatti players will be told that, should they fail to win, they will all be murdered after the game. Then turn 'em lose and see what happens! That said, I'm backing Cleveland this week. I also like to live dangerously. Which is why I just swallowed a bottle of hand soap that was clearly labeled "Not to be taken internally." Suck on that, warning label writer.

Tennessee Titans over Minnesota Vikings. Should you need something to wash out the taste of bleak Midwestern failure after sitting through Bengals/Browns (I WARNED you, dammit), this game may just be the ticket. Two mighty rushing games (the Vikes and Titans are 5th and 6th in the league in rushing yards, respectively) and two strong defenses will meet in this interdivisional hoedown. I don't think Gus Frerotte will outplay Kerry Collins, but I do think it'll be close. [Second note to self: rain plague, suffering, and holy hellfire down on NFL.com writer who wrote that the Titans are "refusing to peak ahead." I really need to start looking up the games somewhere else.]

Basketbawful says: I was totally sold on this game until I read the words "I don't think Gus Frerotte will outplay Kerry Collins." Think about that. Just think about it. Titans win.

Denver Broncos over Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs are averaging 10.7 points per game so far this season. That's just not gonna cut it against the blisteringly efficient Denver offense, who's averaging 38 freaking points per game. Oh, sure, Denver's defense is terrible. Don't get me wrong. But a Chiefs team that's already posted losses to Atlanta, Oakland, and a castrated New England?

Basketbawful says: Unless Herm Edwards has invented a ray gun that will turn the Broncos into 15-year-old versions of themselves -- pretty unlikely -- it's hard to imagine the Chiefs coming within 30 points of victory. By the way: If this is the week you're playing against the guy/girl in your fantasy league who has Jay Cutler, I'm sorry. Like, really sorry.

San Diego Chargers over Oakland Raiders. The Raiders are averaging 20 points per game so far this season. That's just not gonna cut it against the blisteringly efficient San Diego offense, who's averaging 36.7 freaking points per game. Oh, sure, San Diego's defense is terrible. Don't get me wrong. But a Raiders team that's already...


No, seriously though, the Raiders have a beast of a running game but will absolutely fail to outscore this mighty San Diego offense. Remember the Week 1 game against Denver? Same deal, same shitty combined stadium, same outcome. "So put your little hand in mine; there ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb..."

Basketbawful says: How to say this...Oakland's better than I thought they'd be, but still a lot worse than they need to be. You know? Random historical footnote: Do you realize that the Raiders were in the Super Bowl only five years ago? Seems like they've been bad a lot longer than that, doesn't it? Chargers in a laugher.

Baltimore Ravens over Pittsburgh Steelers. This week's Monday night matchup features a battle for AFC North supremacy (not to be confused with Cleveland/Cincinnati, which is a battle for AFC North futility). Pittsburgh's offense had the shit blitzed out of them by the Iggles last week, and the Ray Lewis Army of Darkness is going to make short work of the Willie Parker-less Steelers.

Basketbawful says: What a difference one week can make. Last week at this time the Steelers were considered far and away the best team in the AFC. Now you could fill the Grand Canyon with all the dirt people are throwing on their collective graves. Don't people understand that you can't underestimate the heart of a champion?! Actually, that's not true. You can totally underestimate the heart of a champion. But I'm taking the Steelers anyway.

futuremrsrickankiel's Week 2 Record: 8-7 (abstained from picking Chargers v. Jets because she is super lame)

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Anonymous kazam92 said...
Wanna know something? Derek Anderson was the first QB I picked in fantasy football

wanna know something else? Jay Cutler was the 2nd


Anonymous Anonymous said...
i am one who has the daunted task of taking on jay cutler this week. only good news is that my opponents main receiving corp (plax and roy williams) are on bye week and hasn't set his line up yet. here's hoping.

Yep, and I'm the lucky biddy who has Jay Cutler in my league. And to think: Basketbawful MOCKED me when I told him I was trading Peyton Manning for Cutler!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Jerry Porter and Maurice Jones-Drew are both playing this weekend for the Jaguars.


Hmm. It strikes me that, given what you just said, my pick may not be in any way accurate.

...but I'm sticking to it. Why? Because I can, dammit. If I'm wrong, I can say, "well, I made it before they updated the IR." If I'm right, I can be all, "OH SHIT I TOTALLY CALLED THAT I AM SO SMART."

It's a win-win!