Bills over Jets. Get ready for Slopfest '08! Starring Brett Favre, thrower of seven interceptions in his last three games! Also starring the Buffalo Bills, who last week choked up a loss to the Miami Dolphins by turning the ball over on their final four possessions of the game. Who will make the fewest game-changing mistakes? My money's on the Bills. I'm kinda done taking Favre on the road for the foreseeable future.

The "Way to let him off the hook, coach..." quote of the week: "I think there's a lot of years gambling going on in terms of making some unbelievable plays and making plays that you would like to have a chance to do it over again. But, that's what he's done and he's been very successful." - Jets coach Eric Mangini, regarding Brett Favre's habit of gift-wrapping the football and placing it gently in the hands of his opponents.

Jaguars over Sad Tigers: When your team falls is 0-8 and looks like a hopeless patsy week after week, it would be natural to just give up. But T.J. Houshmandzadeh has predicted that the Sad Tigers will NOT go winless this season. In fact, he went so far as to guarantee at least two wins because "we're a better team than we've shown." Seriously, I would be laughing my butt off if the Sad Tigers weren't so very, very sad.

The "Uh, I think it's a little too late for that, coach..." quote of the week. "When you've been embarrassed like we were, the only way to get away from that is to redeem yourself. And the only way to redeem yourself is to go do better, and do better right away, and not let it sit and spoil you." - Sad Tigers coach Marvin Lewis, regarding what his team has to do to stop sucking. Sorry, coach. I'm pretty sure your team is spoiled already.

Ravens over Browns. I know, I know. The Browns are all resurging and everything. You know what else resurges? A Taco Bell beef combo burrito after a night of heavy drinking. See where I'm going with this? If not, let me spell it out: The Browns are my pick for the "They are who we thought they were" team of the week.

The Browns really don't stand a burrito's chance.

The "Uhm, you sure about that, coach..." quote of the week: "We think we're creative. We think we have a chance to be an exciting offense; we think we've been that." - Ravens coach John Harbaugh, regarding his team's offense, which is currently ranked 27th in passing and 26 in points. Note also that QB Joe Flacco has 3 touchdowns on the season versus 7 interceptions and 6 fumbles. Which I guess is kinda of exciting...

Buccaneers over Chiefs. Blah, blah, blah, stats this, numbers that. Whatever. I'm not picking the Chiefs unless they're playing the Zeroes or the Sad Tigers. Which they aren't this week. Fantasy sidenote: Earnest Graham owners rejoice! The Chiefs are last in the league against the run (196.9) and have allowed a league-high 14 rushing touchdowns. Start him with confidence.

The "Oh, I really hope you're just kidding, coach..." quote of the week: "I think what it does, it gives you some hope that the guy can continue to play like that, that he's going to get better, and that you've got a guy who's consistent at the quarterback position." - Chiefs coach Herm Edwards, regarding last week's "Never to be repeated" 25-for-36, 2-touchdown performance by Tyler Thigpen.

Titans over Packers. The Packers aren't going to win this one, but seeing as how it's Green Bay and the Amazing Aaron Rodgers, at least they will lose in Dramatic Fashion (TM).

Fun fact #1: Green Bay is allowing 141.9 yards per game on the ground. The Titans, meanwhile, have averaged 145.0 rushing yards a contest.

Fun fact #2: The Titans have the league's best scoring defense: They've allowed only 87 points, 23 fewer than Pittsburgh and Baltimore (110).

The "Well, I certainly can't argue with your logic..." quote of the week: "Each week every team gets an opportunity to go out and play. We've had seven opportunities and won each of our games." - Titans linebacker Keith Bulluck regarding his team's 7-0 record.

Captain obvious

Broncos over Dolphins. Ronnie Brown, prepare to get a case of the runs, courtesy of Denver's 30th ranked rush defense. That said, I see this game turning into a shootout, and I'm gonna take Cutler's arm over Pennington's arm. Although, did you know, old Noodle Arm Chad is completing almost 70 percent of his passes? And that he's ninth in the league in yards (1,710)? Time to check Penny's basement for Body Snatcher pods, I guess...

body snatcher
"That's not Chad Pennington! Kiiiiiill it!"

The "Alright, enough is enough..." quote of the week: "My arm is stronger than God's, even if God's replaced his throwing arm with the Incredible Hulk." - Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler, regarding his cosmic arm strength.

Colts over Patriots. No. Absolutely not. I won't do it. I will not pick Matt Cassel over Peyton Manning. Not in Indianapolis. Never. No way. Not even if Manning barely escaped a deadly sea otter attack in which he lost both arms and all but a chunk of his left leg. I don't care about all the injuries and inconsistency and flat-out pooparific play. It's just not happening.


The "Thanks for the news flash, coach..." quote of the week: "In the grand scheme of things, winning the division is going to be tough to do." - Colts coach Tony Dungy, regarding his team's chances of overcoming a 3-4 start to overtake the undefeated Titans.


Steelers over Redskins. No, wait...

Redskins over Steelers. While briefly researching this game, I ran across the following headline: Big Ben suffering weekly poundings. When I clicked on the link, it only improved slightly: Big Ben standing up -- so far -- to weekly poundings. Oh my. Call me immature to the point of idiocy if you like, but I laughed really hard when I read those. I can't possibly pick the Steelers on the road against a good team while Roethlisberger is getting pounded to regularly.

The "Oh, you're I get it..." quote of the week: "The whole NFC East is (similar to the Eagles and Giants). They're throwing a lot of blitzes at you. They're all big guys who can move around and throw different looks at you and try to confuse you." Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, regarding why he's taking those weekly poundings.

Ben jerky

Last week's record: 9-5

Season record: 53-32

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