Heya, Footbawful!

I'm sorry, but secretly a wee bit flattered, to see that I was missed this past week. It's been a rough one, I won't lie: first, a case of the flu that turned my insides to a gelatinous mess; then, a return to work on Thursday to discover that my team leader was out sick, leaving me with 2 days to prepare, alone, for a huge state-wide nonprofit convention tomorrow. (Yeah, I'm going into the office at 6 on a motherfucking Saturday. Whoopdiwoo!)

But you know what? It's all good... for two reasons. First, I'm back here, and I'm going to tell you with absolute certainty who's going to win their respective football games this weekend. Second, I have discovered the absolute hands-down never fail way to escape stress: the bubble bath.

I've introduced the bubble bath into my life as of the last couple weeks, and I swear I'm a new woman for it. Now, mind you, it has to be done properly. The water has to be so hot you almost can't stand it -- otherwise, it'll cool down too fast for you to enjoy a proper bathing experience. Next, you have to load the water with proper bath stuff... don't use the "bubble bath" they sell for kids, as it dries your skin out. Use something thick and vaguely oily (preferably of the Chanel perfume-scented variety). Boys, there's no reason you can't get in on this too. Dump some manly-scented shower gel (I suggest Lacoste for Men) in that tub and pop that tired nutsack on in there. Seriously, the minute you ease into that thing, it's like those 800 press kits you need to make in the morning don't even exist. Soak a little bit and breathe -- don't stay too long, though, or you get pruny! Hop out after about 15-20 minutes, while your skin's still red from the hot water, and pat (DON'T rub!) yourself dry with a fresh, fluffy clean towel... and (now this is the important part) do NOT put on clothes. Stay wrapped in a towel or, better yet, put on a bathrobe. (I'm not actually advocating nudity here, by the way, as running around in your birthday suit post-bath can give you a nasty chill. Unless, of course, you live in the British Virgin Islands or something, in which you are free to go dangle your junk in the wind for as long as you please.) The point is to let your skin breathe... and relax... and breathe... and relax...

Mmm. Aren't we feeling nice and peaceful now? I know I am. Because I just took a bubble bath. In our newly-enlightened state of mind, let us now discuss, in a calm and oh-so-zen manner, the AFC games for this week.

Philadelphia Eagles over Cincinnati Bengals. Ahh, the bye week. The bubble bath of professional football. Fresh out of their bubble bath, the Bengals are diving face-first into a pass defense that is most certainly going to shred any semblance of offense they've deluded themselves into thinking they have. Which is way worse than even the scratchiest of scratchy towels. The good news is that, um, Carson Palmer, um, well, never mind.

Basketbawful says: They got their one win out of th way. Now they can take the rest of the season off to laugh at the Lions Zeroes.

Kansas City Chiefs over New Orleans Saints. "She's crazy, folks! It's the bubbles talking!" Here's the thing. Drew Brees? Unquestionably the league's best quarterback this year. The Saints, however? CANNOT FREAKING WIN ON THE ROAD. Moreover, Tyler Thigpen? A woefully underrated backup (even in this, the apparent Year of the Backup) who has thrown 6 TDs and not a single pick in his last 3 games. Hell, maybe it is the bubbles talking (whee!), but I really think the Chiefs have this one in them.

Basketbawful says: I'm taking the Saints in this one. It'll get them back to .500 and establish some unrealstic "Hey, maybe they CAN make the playoffs!" expectations that they can totally crush with a devestating loss NEXT week. Trust me on this one.

Miami Dolphins over Oakland Raiders. I'd say that the Raiders chances are hurt this week by the absence (likely for the rest of the season) of wide receiver Javon Walker, but let's not kid ourselves: The Raiders have the most breathtakingly awful passing game in the league, and missing one wideout isn't going to make a hoot of difference. The Dolphins, by contrast, are an actual football team with a "quarterback" who "passes" and all that good stuff. Hence, they shall triumph.

Basketbawful says: The Raiders don't have a candy bar's chance in a group full of stoned college students.

Houston Texans over Indianapolis Colts. Yes that's right. Why? I don't know. The Colts are at home. The Texans are bad. It should be a no-brainer... but you know? The Colts' tepid offense is only averaging 21.2 points per game, while the Texans' offense -- granted, Matt Schaub is out, but Rosenfels can still throw the football and he's got something to prove -- is averaging 23.2 a game. It's a flimsy stat at best, but it's buoyed by the fact that I just can't see a Colts team this inconsistent winning 3 in a row. So there it is, I guess.

Basketbawful says: Sage Rosenfels has already proven that he believes it's better to give than to receive. To the other team, that is. The Colts continue their Wild Card bid this week.

Pittsburgh Steelers over San Diego Chargers. Don't let last week's loss to the aforementioned Colts fool you: these Steelers are a very good team, and their defense is a freaking force of nature. Meanwhile, the Chargers' foppish, wheatgrass juice-drinking So-Cal defense is one of the league's worst. Thus, the Steelers will be able to score many points, while the Chargers will score not many points, and the accrual of many points rather than not many points will inevitably win the day.

Basketbawful says: Man, if LaDanian Tomlinson owners have been bummed out so far this season, they'll be suicidal after this week. Good gods, I sure hope you people picked up Chris Johnson or Steve Slaton when they were available.

Washington Redskins over Dallas Cowboys. Like their Cincinnati brethren, these Redskins are fresh from their league-mandated bubble bath and heading into a match-up with a tough NFC East team. The difference, of course, is that the Redskins do not suck at football in colossal and mind-boggling ways. Oh, sure, Tony Romo is making his bedimpled return to the Cowboys this weekend following the Boys' bye week bubble bath (bodacious!), and Dallas already dropped one to Washington this year, but look: these Redskins are not going to lose two in a row at home, and their defense absolutely has the tools to contain the Dallas offense.

Basketbawful says: Hm. I have a feeling that Romo's return is going to juice this team up the way a free breadstick upgrade on their pizza delivery would psyche up a World of Warcraft player. Plus, Portis is hurt. They aren't rolling without their MVP candidate.

Buffalo Bills over Cleveland Browns. Oh, don't get me wrong. Brady Quinn was, in all honesty, terrific last week. But remember: he was playing the Broncos. The Bills defense is not great, but it's certainly not Denver bad. I think this'll be a close one, but ultimately I see Buffalo taking the day. I might change my mind over the weekend, though. Perhaps I'll take a bubble bath and mull it over.

Basketbawful says: Bills versus Browns, Bills versus Browns...eh, easy. This will be yet another "They are who we thought they were" week for Mistake by the Lakers.

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Anonymous kazam92 said...
The Dolphins, by contrast, are an actual football team with a "quarterback"

it took approximately 9 years for that sentence... *sniff*

Blogger Dunpizzle said...
Haha!!! I just so happen to live in the (US)Virgin Islands. I'm gonna take this bubble bath advice and let my junk feel the breeze.

Blogger lordhenry said...
Yay! FutureMrs Returns! Glad to hear you are feeling better, as everyone missed their favorite cynical female blogger. Hopefully, I don't have that happen to me, I got a flue shot.....Um, yeah, I try REALLY hard not to be perverse by nature (what guy doesn't?) but am I the only one who found the "bubble bath post" kinda sexy? Hopefully, bawful doesn't follow suit next week, that would be weird. Oh, might want to get the water ready again, futuremrs, heard the giants won AGAIN.