Houston Texans over Miami Dolphins. In my picks a couple of weeks ago, I noted that "the Texans are a terrible team, but they're not 0-16 terrible." I maintain that stance despite the Texans' apparent determination to prove me wrong. Ahman Green returns to the lineup this week but will play second fiddle to rookie Steve Slaton, who's already rushed for 285 yards and 3 TDs this season. Meanwhile, the Dolphins' running game is wholly dependent on their wacky single-wing offense that SOMEone SOMEwhere in the NFL is hopefully EVENTUALLY going to watch a video of. The Houston offense is averaging a point per game more than the Dolphins, and I truly think they'll eke out their first win of the season against Miami this week.
Basketbawful says: I dunno. Miami is on a hot streak. And they've got that whole Wildcat Formation thing going for them. Rrowrr!! Hssst!! Still, the Texans can't keep playing well and then tragically collapsing at the end of the game. Can they?! Why, yes. Yes they can. 'Fins win.
Baltimore Ravens over Indianapolis Colts. Uhh, yeah. This is definitely the first time in recent history I would ever have made this pick. However, the Colts' O-line right now looks like it could get picked apart by no more than a 12-year-old kid on a bike and a few well-timed squirts of bug spray. Meanwhile, Baltimore's defense is as beastly as ever. Pick up the phone, Peyton Manning. It's for you. It's Ray Lewis. He's coming for you, Peyton. He's coming for you.
Basketbawful says: The Colts won't keep losing at home. They just can't. Peyton Manning just picked up his phone and said, "I got three words for you, Ray-Ray: Bring it chump." Then he laughed and said, "Oh, gosh, that was a good one, Marvin. Uh, that is you, right? Marvin? Marvin?!" [pees pants]
New Orleans Saints over Oakland Raiders. Pop quiz: One of these teams has a quarterback that can pass. The other does not. Can you guess which one it is? Tune in on Sunday to find out!
Basketbawful says: I'm getting really sick and tired of telling people that the Saints are better than their record. If they lose this one, I'm going to throw my "Drew Brees is the bestest!" lapel pin right into the trash.
New York Jets over Cincinnati Bengals. Blech. I don't like anything about this game. New York's defense is terrible, but their offense is turning out to be explosive. The Bengals are hopeless at everything, but are playing with a chip on their shoulder -- not a good chip, either. One of those crappy cheap tortilla chips that come with ballpark nachos that you're stuck munching discontentedly on when you run out of the 0.02g of melted orange salty milk-related product they come with. Seriously, fuck those chips. Would it KILL you, Ballparks Of America, to shell out for some friggin' Tostitos With Lime?
Sorry, where were we again? Oh. Yeah, I think Cincy is due for a handful of wins before this season is done, but I think Brett Favre's offense is going to make them wish they'd never left Ohio. Or come to Ohio in the first place, for that matter.
Basketbawful: Damn. I really love Tostitos with a hint of lime. That's the important part: That it's just a hint. Not overpowering, just a perfect little zing of flavor. It's like a carb party in my mouth, complete with merengue music. Yeah, anyway, the Bungles are playing like a head wound patient who's trying to read random words from a medical dictionary. They ain't winning this week. Maybe some other week, but not this one.
Denver Broncos over Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jaguars defense is utterly inept against the pass. You know who's, like, really good at passing and stuff? Jay Cutler. JOSH SCOBEE CANNOT SAVE YOU NOW, JACKSONVILLE.
Basketbawful says: Against the wind. The Jags are running against the wind. They're older now and still running against the wind.
New England Patriots over San Diego Chargers. The Chargers are upset. Early in the season, Jay Cutler called them up and said, "Psst, hey guys! You know what would be funny? If we just decided to play this entire season [*giggle*] WITHOUT ANY DEFENSE!! [*snort*] Ohmigod wouldn't that be the funniest thing ever?" "Hyuk hyuk it shore would Jay," responded Phillip Rivers. Accordingly, he shot Shawne Merriman in the knee with a BB gun. Last week, Denver freaked that their moms might find out what they'd done and pulled out the defense they'd been storing in the bottom of their backpacks. OH SHIT SAN DIEGO WHAT NOW?!
Basketbawful says: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm gonna say it anyway: Marty Schottenheimer's dismissal is the worst thing that could have happened to the Chargers. By which I actually mean that Norv Turner's hiring is the worst thing that could have happened to the Chargers. Why did they hire him again? Watching him try to coach is like watching an 80-year-old man try to climb out of a beanbag. It's just sad. Mind you, I'm picking San Diego, only because the Pats are vulnerable and the Chargers really, really hate them. And that hate will make them stronger.
New York Giants over Cleveland Browns. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Worst Monday Night game ever? Perhaps. Cleveland's offense is godawful to watch in and of itself, and watching the Giants score touchdowns makes me feel kind of like I just ate an entire pizza, a box of nachos, a thing of cotton candy, and 3 frozen lemonades right before going on Space Mountain. If you plan on watching this game, I'd suggest making a drinking game out of it, since you're not going to get through this one sober. The only rule you need: Drink every time Romeo Crennel looks sad. Trust me, it'll get you sloshed.
Basketbawful says: This is the most lopsided contest since that time I covered an ant hill with motor oil and set it on fire. Cleveland might very well disappear from our reality sometime during this game.