"Fire! Fire from the sky! It must be Kurt Warner!"
The Carolina Panther's pass defense: Well, I feel about as stupid as those Oklahoma idiots who decided to play "chicken" with a cop. After spending last week bragging up the power of the Panther's awesome pass defense, I watched old man Warner destroy them the way his God demolished Sodom and Gomorrah: With pure fire and lightning, baby. Kurt completed 71 percent of his passes (35-for-49) en route to 381 yards and 2 touchdowns. And it's not like the Cardinals were setting up the pass with their stellar running game: Edge James rushed 7 times for 17 yards and Time Hightower had 6 attempts for only 3 yards. In the end, Carolina won the shootout, but only because Arizona, true to form, bungled the game way...

The Arizona Cardinals: You know I have to say it: The Cardinals are indeed who we thought they were. After building a surprising two-touchdown lead in the first half, the Cards spit in the face of prosperity by committing a handful of critical failures. First, late in the second quarter, coach Ken Whisenhunt decided to fake a 39-yard field goal attempt. On fourth-and-14. The play came up four yards short of a first down, so Arizona lost the ball and an opportunity for a pretty sure score. Then, early in the third quarter, James lost a fumble that gave the Panthers a shortened field and set up a game-tying TD pass by Delhomme. Warner responded on 'Zona's next possession by hitting Anquan Boldin for a two-yard touchdown, but Dirk Johnson bumbled the hold on the extra point, leaving Arizona with a 23-17 lead late in the third. (Note: That's four points the Cardinals gave up. This will be important later.) After a Delhomme-to-Smith TD gave Carolina a 24-23 lead, Warner was picked off near the goal line and the turnover was eventually translated into a Carolina field goal that accounted for the final score of 27-23. You guessed it: A FOUR POINT MARGIN OF VICTORY. You can't make this stuff up.

The moral of this story: Don't bet on Arizona on the road. Just. Don't. Do it.

Ken Whisenhunt, quote machine: Regarding his decision to go for it on freaking fourth-and-14 instead of just kicking a field goal and extending a double-digit lead on the road: "Maybe that was a little bit long to run that field goal fake." Brilliant deduction, coach.


Jake Delhomme's amazing man-crush: I had no idea Jake was so in love with Kurt Warner. Regading their pregame chit-chat, Delhomme said: "Talked to him a good while before the game. Didn't get to talk to him after. I would have probably asked him for his autograph." Then: "It's hard for me to watch our defense play because we're going over stuff, looking at pictures, but I caught myself watching him today. I'm proud of him." That's some serious love that dare not speak its name. I'm sorry to report, though, that Kurt's already spoken for. But don't worry. If the world's heaviest man can find love, so can you, Jake. So can you!

"You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. BEEFCAKE!"

Bucs versus 'Boys: The final score was 13-9. I will now rip out my own eyes and set them on fire. Damn them for letting me watch this abomination.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneer "air show": Wow. Jeff Garcia threw 44 times yesterday. That was the plan? Seriously?! Hey, coach Gruden. Time for a new plan.

Brad Johnson, quote machine: BJ played the role of "game manager" to slow-and-steady-wins-the-race perfection yesterday, completing 19 passes for 122 yards. Boo if you must -- the Dallas fans sure did -- but that 3.7 yards-per-pass average was good enough for the win. And the Cowboys haven't been getting a lot of those lately, so don't expect any apologies from Brad. "We knew going in it was going to be an ugly game at times. Third-and-long, check it down, let them boo you -- that's OK by me. You’ve just got to manage the game." You tell 'em, Brad. And, really, it's our own fault. We should be teaching the youth of America to admire game managers, not game makers.

The Detroit Zeroes: Ford Field didn't sell out for the first time since it opened in 2002, and the fans not in attendence missed out on seeing their team scrap their usual "fall behind early and never recover" strategy to employ the slightly more depressing "take an early lead and hang onto it only to miserably fail at the end." I, for one, appreciate seeing Detroit fail in new and different ways. Although it's worth noting that they're still spreading their hoochies for opposing QBs: Jason Campbell was 23-of-28 for a season-high 328 yards with a touchdown and a career-high 127.4 passer rating, surpassing his previous career-high (established last year...against the Lions). Detroit has now allowed six of the seven quarterbacks they've faced this season set a career-high passer rating against them. They also watched Santana Moss catch a season-high nine passes for 140 yards, including a 50-yard TD that put the 'Skins ahead late in the third quarter. Moss also returned a punt 80 yards for a touchdown. It was the first time Moss had acheived the feat since 2002. Oh, and Clinton Portis ran for 126 yards. The point, in case you missed it, is that if somebody on your fantasy team is facing Detroit this week, START HIM. Even if he dies mid-week, start him. The Zeroes are resurrecting everybody.

Chargers versus Saints: If you're a fan of shootouts, this game was for you. But I thought of this game as The Day That Defense Died. But who knows? Maybe that was all part of the plan. Said Chargers defensive end Luis Castillo: "I thought it was what the fans here wanted to see. I thought they wanted a high-scoring game. I thought they wanted to see the ball being thrown. I thought they wanted to see amazing athletes making amazing plays, and that's what they got." Amazing athletes making amazing plays? Sure. On one side of the ball, anyway.

Drew Brees, liar, liar, pants on fire: Regarding his team's win over the team that once spurned him: "This game was not about me proving a point or proving anybody wrong or saying they shouldn't have let me go. We beat a very good team today that needed a victory as badly as we did." I very nearly let this one go until he made the "We beat a very good team..." comment. That's when I knew he was screwing with us.

Michael Turner: His feast-for-famine season continues. Yesterday's numbers: 17 rushes for 58 yards, no TDs. And several thousand fantasy football team losses.

Andy Reid, quote machine: Regarding Brian Westbrook, who returned yesterday to rush for 167 yards and 2 TDs, the coach said: "He was dialed up." Memo to coach Reid: Stop trying to sound cool. You're fooling exactly nobody.

San Francisco 49ers: Gak. These guys were so bad I thought new coach Mike Singletary was going to burst a vein during the game. Samuri Mike benched J.T. O'Sucksville after he got sacked thrice, fumbled twice and threw an interception on fourth down. Then he yanked tight end Vernon Davis for slapping a Seattle player's helmet, chewed the kid out on the sidelines, then sent him to the locker room. He probably wanted to launch the defensive line into space after Leonard "The Chunk Master" Weaver caught a couple short passes and shambled his fat butt downfield for TDs of 62 and 43 yards. But, since Singletary doesn't have access to NASA equipment, he was left to beg pardon from the Niner faithful for the team's pathetic suckage. Before he went into the locker room, he removed his hat and spoke to the fans above the tunnel, saying: "I apologize. I apologize to you guys." Good times, gooooooood times.

"We're number one! At sucking!
The Steelers' offensive line: What did Ben Roethlisberger do to piss them off? Sleep with all their girlfriends and baby mamas? Refuse to add them as friends on his Facebook page? Leave dismembered skunk parts in their lockers? Whatever happened, Roethlisberger got sacked five times yesterday, bringing his season total to 23. I'm half expecting them to buy him a new motorcycle for Christmas. Oh, and speaking of Big Ben...

Ben Roethlisberger: At least part of the reason this dude keeps getting sacked is because he stands in the pocket death-gripping the ball like it's an infant he's scared to drop. Do that for the 10 seconds or so and you're gonna get hit. And in addition to all those sacks, he also tossed four picks. Man, Ben, if you're that determined to help the other team out, why not just hand over your playbook or set the locker room on fire?

Lack of foresight: Steelers long snapper Greg Warren suffered a season-ending knee injury on his final snap of the third quarter. (I never realized snapping was such a dangerous occupation.) Anyway, this injury would prove to be Pittsburgh's undoing late in the game when, on fourth-and-22 from its 18, Steelers substitute snapper James Harrison -- who had never snapped in a game in high school or college, much less the NFL -- fired his first snap over the head of punter Mitch Berger and out of the end zone for a safety. That tied the score at 14-14.

Oh, but it gets worse. Berger injured his hamstring in the second quarter. After the safety, he had to launch a free kick from the Steelers' 20. It traveled only 49 yards and set the Giants up near midfield. From there, Eli led New York on its only touchdown drive of the game. The winning drive, as it turned out.

According to Steelers coach Mike Tomlin: "Nobody has two deep snappers. The best you have after that is an emergency snapper. We identified James as our leading candidate. James Farrior was next." Yeah, how'd that work out for you, coach?

Labels: Arizona Cardinals, Brad Johnson, Carolina Panthers, Jake Delhomme, Kurt Warner

It's okay, guys. Only 11 more ego-shattering losses to go...
The Washington Redskins. The 'Skins followed up ultra-impressive back-to-back road wins over the Cowboys and Eagles by...losing at home to the previously winless Rams? That's like Batman defeating the Joker and Lex Luthor (we'll assume Superman was on vacation) only to break his neck by slipping on a banana peel. And that's what the Rams are this year: The banana peel of the NFL. Washington entered the game as the only team in league history to open a season with zero offensive turnovers in its first five games. However, the universe loves a stat curse, and that's why the Redskins lost three fumbles yesterday, one of which was returned 75 yards for a touchdown by Oshiomogho Atogwe. Random aside: From now on, I'm going to scream "Oshiomogho!" whenever I succeed at something. This includes but is not limited to: Parallel parking, finding loose change in couch cushions, and particularly satisfying bathroom breaks.

Richie Incognito. This schmuck very nearly cost the Rams their first, lonely win of the season. With his team killing the clock to set up for an easy field goal attempt, Incognito got whistled for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for verbally abusing an official. His oral diarrhea transformed a reasonably sure 34-yard field goal into an "oh man, I can't watch this" 49-yarder and prompted new head coach Jim Haslett to scream "What is wrong with this motherfucker?" on the sidelines.

Incognito was confused by the penalty -- he said: "I cannot explain it." -- and claimed that he was simply protecting his quarterback during a scrum in which some Redskins players were trying to force a turnover. "They took a swing at Marc. We were all jaw jacking." But Washington linebacker London Fletcher begs to differ; Fletcher believes Incognito is a dirty player and that the call was nothing less than he deserved. "He could have got several penalties, several personal fouls. That's his M.O. He does a lot of late hitting, grabbing face masks, things like that. The referee could have actually gave him a penalty before he even [was called for personal foul in the final minute]."

That's superdickery. But no matter. Incognito will soon have to answer to a higher power: "My mom will be mad at me," he said.

Josh Brown. I know, I know. He helped his team escape the pain and humilation of winlessness by kicking a 49-yard field goal on the last play of the game. However, he also violated the unwritten but strictly observed rule that NFL kickers are not allowed to celebrate. Ever. You know why? Because when they do, stuff like this happens:

Dear all other NFL kickers: You've been warned.
The Detroit Surrender Lions: At one point during the Bears game, I saw a 3-2 score flash across the ticker at the bottom of the screen. I said out loud: "That has to be the Detroit game." And, of course, it was. (And yes, they were the team that gave up the safety.) Despite being the Lions and starting a QB named Dan Orlovsky, Detroit actually managed to both score an offensive touchdown and lead for most of the game (prior to yesterday, they had held a lead for less than three minutes all season). But they are who we thought they were, and the Vikings managed to kick a field goal with nine seconds left to keep the Lions winless. And hopeless. And any other -less you can think of.

Oh, and here's where we get into "It's worse than that, he's dead Jim!" territory. Take a gander at Detroit's schedule for the rest of the season: at Houston, Washington, at Chicago, Jacksonville, at Carolina, Tampa Bay, Tennessee, Minnesota, at Indianapolis, New Orleans, at Green Bay. I'm telling you, they could go winless. Stay tuned at the Lions chase history!

The Chicago Bears coaching staff. I don't mean to go all Bill Walton here, but what were they thinking? Were they thinking?! Scoring a go-ahead TD with 11 seconds left in the game has to rank pretty high on the NFL Head Coach's Wish List, but apparently Lovie and the Gang don't go for standard wishery. Since they were apparently still wetting themselves over Jerious Norwood's 85-yard kickoff return, Da Coaches decided to have Robbie Gould squib kick the ball to the Falcons. This helped limit the return to only 10 yards, but it also gave the Falcons the ball on their own 44-yard line. On the ensuing pass play, the Bears employed a soft zone in the secondary, which allowed Michael Jenkins to catch a 26-yard pass and get out of bounds with one second left on the clock. Quick quiz: What's the one thing you don't want your team to do in a situation like this? Answer: That. Yet it happened. Why not set up the defense to force Atlanta to throw it into the middle of the field? They complete a pass, you tackle the reciever, the clock runs out, game over. That's all it would have taken to secure a victory. A monkey would realize that after playing 20 minutes worth of Madden. A brain-damaged monkey. With hemmoroids.

I should also point out that earlier in the fourth quarter, the Bears were stuffed on third-and-one and fourth-and-one when Lovie Smith ran his favorite goal line play: UP THE MIDDLE. I think opposing teams have probably figured that one out, Lovie. You might want to come up with an alternative play that doesn't suck. I know NFL coaches are supposed to have a chart that tells them what they're supposed to do in various situations. Well, the Bears coaches must have a chart that just says FAIL. Do you hear that sound, Lovie? It's everybody laughing at you. And I do mean everybody.


The Chicago Bears defense. There's nowhere left for these guys to hide. The Bears are 3-3, and all three losses can be blamed on the defense. They gave up double-digit fourth-quarter leads to the Panthers and Bucs, and then they couldn't hold a lead for six seconds against the Falcons (that's how much time was left after the kickoff return). And although they managed to hold Michael Turner in check, the Chicago D let rookie quarterback Matt Ryan (301 yards, 23-for-30, 1 TD and a 116.1 QB rating) carve them up. Oh, and Roddy White (9 receptions, 112 yards and a TD) couldn't have evaded them more successfully if he'd been trained in the deadly arts of the Ninja.

JaMarcus Russell. The Raiders were so inspired by their recent change in leadership that they came out and got sandblasted 34-3 by the Saints. On the bright side, THEY DID SCORE FIRST. And first blood tastes so sweet. Unless, that is, it's washed down with the bitter flavor of godawful quarterback. Russell completed only 37 percent of his passes (13-for-35) for 159 yards. He was sacked twice, intercepted once, fumbled once and finished with a QB rating of 40.1. That's a full 55 points lower than Detroit's Dan Orlovsky, by the way. And that, my friend, is nature's way of saying...


Javon Walker: He had one catch for seven yards yesterday. On the season, he has a grand total five catches for only 59 yards. This seems like as good a time as any to mention that, in March, Walker signed a six-year, $55 million free agent contract with Oakland. That deal includes $27 million in the first three years and $16 million guaranteed. Money well spent, Mr. Davis. Money well spent. Now, can I interest you in a time machine that will allow you to return to a time when your team wasn't a worthless mockery? I'll totally give you "buddy rates."

The Carolina Panthers. In my weekly picks, I said that the Carolina had become the Ferris Bueller of the NFL. Well, on Sunday against the Bucs, they were more like Ferris' friend Cameron. The Panthers lowlights includes Jake Delhomme's three INTs and 38.6 QB rating, DeAngelo Williams's 27 yards on 11 carries, and a defensive effort that saw Jeff Garcia (15-for-20, 173 yards, 1 TD, 117.3 QB rating) and Warrick Dunn (115 yards on 22 rushes) take turns bitchslapping them. All I know is, it's bad when JaMarcus Russell watches highlights of your game and asks, "Hey, anybody know if we're playing the Panthers this season?"

Jake Delhomme, quote machine. What did he make of his team's 27-3 fail-a-palooza against the Bucs? "I don't know if its a wake-up call. We got beat. Very simply, we didn't play well and they played well." Thanks for that, Jake. I didn't get it before, but now? I totally get it.

Ken Whisenhunt/icing the kicker. The Cardinals blocked a Nick Folk field goal that gave them a 24-21 win as time expired...wait, what? Whisenhunt called a timeout that nullified the blocked kick? Because he wanted to ice the kicker?! Boy, karma really is a bitch, huh? Folk was so iced by the timeout that he nailed a 52-yarder and sent the game to overtime. The Cardinals still won, thanks to a blocked punt that was returned for a touchdown, but still. Icing the kicker is one of the lamest gimmicks in the NFL. It's right up there with calling them a poopyhead or insulting their mother. Why not try something really effective, like sending them a good luck card that says, "Ha, ha, just kidding. YOU ARE A LOSER."

Packers drama. After a sort-of-but-not-really impressive win over NFC West's new doormat (now that the Rams have a more recent victory), it's time to bask in the unrivaled hyperbole of a Green Bay victory. According to the Associated Press: "Aaron Rodgers turned his sprained shoulder into a lesson for any Packers who may still be missing his predecessor. The first-year starter is showing grit and leadership that would make Brett Favre proud." To this point, Favre and his agent have neither confirmed nor denied this assessment, probably because they're too busy being all proud and stuff.

Rodgers, however, read these comments and nodded knowingly during his postgame press conference. "Everybody plays with injuries in this league. But to not practice for two weeks, to not throw the ball at all, I'm proud the way I was able to play today," Rodgers said with a shy smile and a large crocodile tear flowing down his chiseled cheak. "Hopefully it shows my teammates that I will put my body on the line for them and I care about them a lot, that come Sunday I'm going to give it all I can." He then rushed from the podium and overturned a burning car to save a burlap sack full of adorable kittens that were trapped within. "It was just adrenaline," Rodgers said. "I'm sure anybody else capable of unthinkable feats of superhuman strength, stamina and will power would have done the same thing. All I did was risk life and limb to rip the door of a car that was totally on fire. It was nothing." Stand back, kids. It's...


Note: The FutureMrs has promised "a SUPER JUMBO-SIZED Worst of the Weekend for the AFC tomorrow that includes MNF!" Just FYI. Trust me, it'll be worth the wait.

Labels: Carolina Panthers, Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions, icing the kicker, idiot kickers, Ken Whisenhunt, NFC, Worst of the Weekend