Titans over Ravens: Why are the Titans still undefeated, you may ask? Well, for starters, their defense is playing like 11 guys with all-consuming roid rage and a jockstrap full of evil beaver. They allow an NFL-low 11.5 points per game and lead the league with 12 takeaways. Would they take delicious candy straight out of a baby's mouth? Yes. Yes they would. Then they'd slap that baby. They'd slap it hard. And then how they would laugh...

Now, it's worth pointing out that the Ravens have a pretty okay D themselves. In fact, they're currently the top-ranked defense in the league, allowing only 186.7 yards per game. Which would impress me a whole heck of a lot more if their opponents didn't include the Bungles, the Bad Luck Browns, and a Steelers team decimated by injuries. I guess what I'm saying is, I think their defensive record is a little misleading. It's like me telling you that I'm 27-0 with 17 knockouts against 10-year-olds who attend the local elementary school. I mean, it's true and all, but that doesn't mean you should back me in a fight with Randy Couture. You know?

Key matchup: Kerry Collins versus Joe Flacco. Jesus doublebugg dancing Christ. What has happened to the quarterback position in the NFL?!

futuremrsrickankiel sez: I thought the Senate voted down the quarterback position along with the bailout package? Anyhoo, yeah, the Titans are going to win this. Joe Flacco may wind up being a great quarterback down the line...he certainly showed flashes of brilliance against the Steelers on Monday. But he also made a few classic rookie blunders, and a team like these Titans will exploit that all day long.

Colts over Texans: Do the Texans have any grand plans for turning things around after their 0-3 start? Well, according to quarterback Matt Schaub: "Our mindset is no different than any other week. We are approaching this game the same way we would any other game." In other words: Prepared for the pain and heartbreak of yet another tragic failure. You know, Matt, Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But hey, if crazy is your thing, go with it. It can't be all bad, right?


futuremrsrickankiel sez: Prescription For Recovery From A Shocking 1-2 Start: Mix 3 dashes of an inept Texans offense with a fresh bye week and crushed ice. Muddle and top with bourbon. Serve with an orange wedge.

Chargers over Dolphins: Today's random and totally meaningless fact -- Chad Pennington is 3-0 against San Diego, including a playoff win for the New York Jets in January 2005, completing 73.7 percent of his passes for 790 yards and five TDs without an interception. Man, that pattern is about as likely to continue as Ronnie Brown going off for five touchdowns against the Patriots in New England. Wait a second...

Still, I have a feeling the Chargers will be ready for the direct snap trickery that worked four times against the Patriots, so Ronnie Brown owners should temper their excitement just a tad. As for the 'Fins, they're a stone-cold lock for this week's "They are who we thought they were" performance.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Let's just say that Antonio Cromartie is not going to be fooled by the same bush-league direct snap to the RB that bamboozled a certain team from Massachusetts last week, and leave it at that.

Broncos over Buccaneers: Much like the Nuggets of the NBA, I am officially removing the "D" from the Enver Broncos' name. Currently, they're meekly surrendering 29 PPG (29th in the league) and 408.8 total yards per game (30th in the league). Let's face it, this is not your grandfather's Orange Crush, and I bet Lyle Alzado is rolling over in his grave. But that's probably because all those steroids he took have reanimated his body, which if freed would undoubtedly go on some kind of unstoppable brain-eating rampage. So consider yourself warned. Still, their offense is more explosive than a dinner of Taco Bell coated in butter and mixed with cabbage, broccoli, onions and asparagus. Plus, opposing teams always seem to struggle in the thin air of Mile High Stadium INVESCO Field at Mile High. And if any man knows what it's like to fail in Denver, it's Bucs quarterback Brian Griese.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: The 2008 Brian Griese "Look At What You're Missing Out On" World Tour will continue this weekend, say I -- after a bold strut through Chicago in Week 3, this time he's out to flaunt his goodies in the home stadium of the team who first drafted him. Next week: An appearance on the Jenny Jones show! In the meantime, though, I say the Tampa Bay defense wins out and the Bucs take this.

Cardinals over Bills: Kurt Warner had what might have been the worst 472-yard, 40-completion, 2-touchdown performance in league history last Sunday. This is mostly because he was handling the ball like it was a herring coated in Teflon and covered in Crisco and WD-40. All I know is, it's pretty sad when you throw for almost 500 yards in a single game and people start whispering, "Maybe the Cardinals should go with Matt Leinart," who, by all objective measures, is terrible. Still, I feel good about 'Zona's chances, even without Anquan Boldin, who is doubtful with a fractured sinus. (Ouch.) This is partly due to the fact that Buffalo's 4-0 record was build on a foundation of opponents with a combined record of 4-11 this season. (Not to mention that each team was dealing with either a key injury or an unsettled coaching situation when facing the Bills.) But it's also because I'm a Warner fan. I just dig that crazy, God-loving man. I can't help rooting for him. As long as he's not playing on the road.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Personally, I blame the Bills' undefeated record for the economic collapse. Cards for the win.

Cowboys over Bengals: What are the chances the Bengals will win their first game of the season on the road against a Cowboys team that's still fuming over last week's loss to the Redskins? I'll tell you: A blind man with rusty coat hangers for hands would have a better chance at solving a Rubik's Cube while locked in a room filled with screaming spider monkeys. With rabies. (The spider monkeys, not the blind man.) Carson Palmer may or may not play, but it hardly matters. Cincy will not be turning things around this season. Sorry, but if you're a Bengals fan, you'd better get used dealing with...


Note: I realize that telling a Bengals fan to get used to dealing with disappointment is like telling a clown to get used to fear and hate. It's redundant, repetitive and redundant. And repetitive.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: In an effort to make things interesting, I was going to point out that the Cincy defense has actually been quite effective against passing so far this season. But then I remembered that the Cowboys still have Marion Barber III. Yeah, it's pretty much a guarantee that the ferocious, multi-headed Dallas offense will make these supposed Bengal tigers look like, well...


Jaguars over Steelers: Man, Pittsburgh's offensive line is pathetic. I'd feel better if the Steelers were protecting Ben Roethlisberger with chicken wire and gauze bandages right now. At some point this season, you're going to be watching a Steelers game and wondering, "What's that Ben Roethlisberger-shaped pancake doing on the field?" But rest assured, that will be the actual Ben Roethlisberger. Look, I've already said I'm not real impressed with the Jaguars, but they're a better bet right now than Pittsburgh's M.A.S.H. unit. Unless Mewelde Moore exposes himself to Cosmic Rays and develops fantastic super powers.

Out-of-context quote of the week: According to Jaguars running back Fred Taylor: "Thank God we have a quarterback like David who can do it with his arms and legs." HOT.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: No way. David Garrard's titillating arms and legs aside, Jacksonville will accomplish nothing against the Steelers' defense.

Basketbawful's Week 4 Record: 9-5

Season record: 21-9

Labels: AFC picks, Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Johnson, demotivation, inept quarterbacks, Kurt Warner, Matt Schaub, Ronnie Brown

Fantasy fallout: This game featured (and didn't feature) some of this season's biggest fantasy football disappointments not named Tom Brady. Willie Parker is injured and out indefinitely (or "day-to-day" in NFL parlance). Ben Roethlisberger -- who last season was second overall in QB rating (104.1) and third in touchdowns (32) -- has been spending so much time on the turf I'm starting to think he developed narcolepsy in the offseason (or, as my buddy Mr. P calls it, narcosleepy). As a consequence Santonio Holmes, Hines Ward and Heath Miller have been nearly useless. Rashard Mendenhall, who was supposed to be Pittsburgh's next big running back, fractured his left shoulder last night and is out for the season.

On the other side of the ball, Willis McGahee has 106 yards and 1 TD in only two games this season, and he injured both his knee and chest last night...and thus had to leave the game early. Meanwhile, rookie QB Joe Flacco isn't exactly lighting it up: He has exactly one TD on the year (compared to 2 interceptions, 3 fumbles and 6 sacks) and he's averaging a craptastic 150 YPG. I keep hearing the term "game manager" every time he's discussed, and that rarely leads to good things for young QBs. And mind you, this is a guy who's had games against both Cincinnati and Cleveland already. (Random aside: Is it just me, or does anybody else think "Flaccid" when they hear "Flacco"? Yeah, it's probably just me.)

Pittsburgh Steelers through two-and-a-half quarters: By midway through the third quarter, they had exactly one first down. One. In a semi-must-win home game. And, natch, the Pittsburgh crowd booed their team. Happy times in the Iron City. Fortunately for the Steelers, they were playing...

The Baltimore Ravens: Talk about retching up a game they should have won. Late in the third quarter, Baltimore had a 10-point lead that felt more like 30. Pittsburgh's passing game was MIA and they were down to their fourth and last running back. Then, Roethlisberger shocked the world by tossing a 38-yard TD pass to Santonio Holmes -- it was Holmes' first of the season -- to bring the Steelers to within three. Less than 20 seconds later, Joe Flacco coughed up a fumble that LaMarr Woodley returned for a TD. And just like that, the Steelers were up by four. How do you hold a team to 3 points for more than half-an-hour and then give up 14 points in half a minute? That's like a prom date who won't even hold your hand for most of the night suddenly tearing off her clothes, dousing herself in baby oil, and...what was I talking about again?

Mike Tomlin, quote machine: In addition to Mendenhall, the Steelers also lost right guard Kendall Simmons (right Achilles) for the season, which drills yet another hole into their Swiss cheese of an offensive line. But Tomlin is staying strangely optimistic. "It is only devastating if you allow it to be." That's a great sentiment, coach. And it's sort of easy for you to say, since you don't have to stand behind that line while a half-dozen 300-pound monsters are trying to run you down and break you in half. That's like me telling somebody that a bullet can only tear through your insides like butter if you let it.

Meaningless stats: Did you know that Pittsburgh won its 14th consecutive Monday night home game last night, a streak that dates to a 1991 loss to the New York Giants at Three Rivers Stadium? Did you care? Yeah. I didn't think so.

Tony Kornheiser: You can read more about the exploits of Kandy Korn over at Awful Announcing, but I was particularly amused by this gem, in which Tony channeled his inner John Madden. Regarding Big Ben Roethlisberger: "At some point, you are what you are as a quarterback." Maybe he figured if he sounded more like Madden, people would stop pointing out how out of place he is on MNF.

Update! Special note from futuremrsrickankiel: "Please don't forget to call Willis McGahee a tubby piece of shit and Rashard Mendenhall an overrated rookie bust." Consider it done.

Labels: Baltimore Ravens, Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward, Joe Flacco, Monday Night Football, Tony Kornheiser, Willie Parker

Note: The photo is courtesy of Mass Hysteria Sports.

The New England "defense": I've never actually seen someone reanimate a corpse before, but watching the Patriot defenders bring Ronnie Brown back to life was the next best thing. Brown rushed for 113 yards on 17 carries and punched in four touchdowns. He even threw a 19-yard to Anthony Fasano midway through the third quarter. It was like watching LaDainian Tomlinson in a Ronnie Brown suit.

How bad was the New England D? Four of Brown's five touchdowns -- wrap your head around that for a second: five touchdowns -- came on the old "direct snap to the running back" play, which hardly ever works. Said Patriots safety Rodney Harrison: "I don't know why in the world we couldn't stop that play. They just came in and beat our butts. You've got a bitter taste in your mouth." Yeah. And that taste...well, insert your own "Brown" joke here.

And for the record, it wasn't just Brown. Ricky Williams motored his way to 98 yards on 16 carries. That's a combined 211 yards from two guys who had averaged only 2.6 yards per carry in two games against the Jets and Cardinals. Yes, the Jets and Cardinals. Oh, and Chad "I keep getting left for dead, and for good reason" Pennington was 17-for-20 for 226 yards and a QB Rating of 113.8.

I'll tell you what it was like. Remember that scene in Clash of the Titans where Perseus was fighting Medusa in that room full of statues, only the statues were actually proud old warriors Medusa had turned to stone? Well, the Pats were those stoned warriors, while Brown and Williams were a nasty, two-headed Medusa.

Matt Cassel, quote machine: That popping sound you just heard was the Matt Cassel bubble. The Rawhide Kid tossed for 131 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT and finished with a QB Rating of 68.1. For the sake of clarity, that was 90.2 points below Ronnie Brown's QB Rating. Saying that Cassel was ineffective yesterday is like saying that existing on a diet composed of butter, gravy, and cake frosting is an ineffective way to not becoming a sloshing fatbag. But don't worry: Matt is staying upbeat on this one: "We have to go out and regroup. It is a learning situation for me, playing from behind." Oh yeah? Tell me, Mr. I've Spent Most Of My Career Sitting On The Bench, what isn't a learning situation for you right now?

The Oakland Panty-Raiders: The Silver and Black had a 23-7 lead with about eight minutes left in the game. In most places on this planet, that's a pretty safe lead. But not when Oakland is involved. The Raiders watched in mute but unsurprised horror as the Bills scored 17 straight points in those eight minutes to win 24-23. But this wasn't Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas and Andre Reed. It was Trent Edwards, Marshawn Lynch and Lee Evans. Although it should be noted that Rian Lindell tried to pull a Scott Norwood when he missed a 46-yard field goal in the third quarter, but he made up for it by booting in the go-ahead 38-yarder as time expired. The Bills are now 3-0 (for the first time since 1992) and alone atop their division, and the Raiders...are not. You can probably expect Raider head coach Lane Kiffen to be released from hell fired sometime today.

The Houston Texans: Yes, the Titans are good. And yes, the Houston Texans are bad. So very, very bad. Like "I just discovered a live, wriggling cockroach in my hamburger" bad. The Texans got mashed to pulp, giving up 31 points while scoring only 12 themselves...this despite making it inside the Titan's 14-yard line six times. The one bright spot for Houston fans was the play of rookie running back Steve Slaton, who racked up 116 yards on 18 carries and scored the team's only touchdown. (We won't talk about how he was stuffed on fourth-and-goal from the Tennessee three-yard line with about seven minutes to go.)

Matt Schaub: Mr. Schaub is like a dagger somebody stabbed deep in the heart of the Texans. Yesterday, he completed only 45.9 percent of his passes (17-for-37), got sacked three times, and threw three interceptions, the last of which got run back 99 yards for a touchdown. On the season, Schaub has thrown one touchdown versus five interceptions, and his QB Rating is 50.3 (it was 27.8 yesterday against the Titans).

Gary Kubiak: It's bad when a team sucks, and it's even worse when that team's coach is an idiot. But such is the case with the poor Texans. Kubes didn't throw the challenge flag in the second quarter on a 37-yard reception in which the Titans' Justin McCareins pretty clearly didn't get his feet inbounds. Kubiak swallowed his red flag again later on that same drive when LenDale White "scored" a one-yard touchdown in which he never crossed the goal line. Then, in the third quarter, he chose to go for it on fourth-and-four instead of kicking a sure-thing field goal. It should be noted that his team was only trailing by 12 at the time. That might have been a big three points for the Texans...but we'll never know, will we?

New Orleans Saints: Do I know my teams or do I know my teams? Go back and reread my picks for the weekend. This is what I said about the Saints-Broncos game: "I'm expecting a shootout in the first half followed by the Saints' patented second-half El Foldo." Well, check, check and double-check. All thanks to...

Martin Gramatica: Now it's time for a Scott Norwood reference. Gramatica -- who, unbelievably, was once nicknamed "Automatica" -- blew two field goals yesterday, the second of which was a 43-yarder that could have put the Saints up 35-34 with less than two minutes remaining. This seems as good a time as any to mention that Martin shares 23 chromosomes with Bill Gramatica, the kicker who tore his ACL while celebrating a field goal.

Sean Payton: He watched his quarterback throw for 421 yards while completing 81 percent of his passes (39-for-48), and yet -- with time ticking away and his team desperately needing a first down -- he called a running play on third-and-short that got stuffed harder than Tera Patrick. Thus it was necessary to pin the team's hopes on a 43-yard field goal. And, as noted, their kicker is Martin Gramatica. Not smart, coach. Not smart.

Mike Shanahan, quote machine: After barely escaping fate for the second straight week, Shanahan said: "It's nice to give up 32 points and still win the football game." Yeah, the Broncos are making a habit of that. Fortunately, next up: The Kansas City Chiefs!

Ben Roethlisberger: Sweet boogie-woogie-ing Christ. Big Ben -- who's my fantasy quarterback, by the way -- threw an interception, fumbled the ball away once, and got sacked eight times before getting knocked out of the game with a hand inury. Eight! His "performance" was good for -10 points in my fantasy league. I guess I should have started Delhomme. He only got 0.6 points, but that's still almost an 11-point swing. Ouch.

Willie Parker: This dude, who is also on my fantasy team, ran for 20 yards on 13 carries. Did I mention that my other stud RB is LaDainian "My toe is killing me" Tomlinson? Which is why I was disproportionaly happy when I picked Steve Slaton up off waivers. I hate my life.

The Steelers' offensive line: The allowed nine sacks (with backup Byron Leftwich suffering sack number nine) and gave up a safety (Roethlisberger threw the ball away in the end zone because he was surrounded and scared for his life). I'm not saying the Eagles weren't playing inspired defense, because they were...but come on, now. That line was getting spun faster than a turnstyle soaked in WD-40.

The Cleveland Browns: Last year's feel-good team is this year's feel-bad team. (Well, one of them anyway, along with Cincinnati, Detroit, Houston, Kansas City, and St. Louis.) Yes, my friends, they are who we thought they were. Derek Anderson (14-for-37, 125 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs, 5 sacks and a QB rating of 22.9) is rapidly transforming into Cade McNown. Braylon Edwards (3 receptions, 27 yards) looks less focused and more disinterested than Randy Moss did in Oakland. And Jamal Lewis (56 yards on 12 rushing attempts)...well, last season was a contract year, so what did you really expect? Brady Quinn Era, here we come.

Romeo Crennel, quote machine: After watching his team get pummeled by the Ravens, Crennel said: "I don't know whether we're trying to live off the success we had last year, but it's not working." Finally the coach makes a good call!

The Indianapolis Colts: Ah, the people of Indianapolis finally have something to take their minds off of the Colts' offensive line injuries: The team's once-again woeful run defense! The Jaguars heretofore MIA running game ran all over the Colt defenders. Fred Taylor rushed for 121 yards on 26 carries and Maurice Jones-Drew ran for another 107 yards on 19 carries. Seriously, if I hadn't watched Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams tapdance on, over and around the New England D, I would have said that the Colts run defense was the most pathetic I have ever seen. As it is, they'll have to satisfy themselves with being the second-worst I've ever seen. Oh, and the fact that their pass defense couldn't keep the Jags out of field goal range with about a minute left? That's pretty bad, too.

The Jags-Colts officiating crew: In the second quarter, Rashean Mathis intercepted a Peyton Manning pass and ran it back 61 yards for a touchdown. That's a pretty big play for a game that ends 23-21, no? It was a great play by Mathis, which was no doubt helped by the fact that he used a fistful of jersey to spin Marvin Harrison out of position before breaking in front of Harrison for the grab. It was a pretty easy call to make -- or, rather, it should have been -- but the the officials missed it.

Which brings up another subject. I think somebody should track interception stats so that we can know how many happen because the quarterback makes a bad decision or a lousy throw, and how many happen because the receiver bobbles the ball or misses a catchable pass, or because somebody interfers (as Mathis did) but doesn't get called for it, or because of a last-second Hail Mary pass, etc. Wouldn't that be interesting? I mean, let's say two QBs each have 16 interceptions on the season, but QB #1 only has five INTs that were entirely his fault while QB #2 has 11 that were his fault. That tells us something about each of those QBs, doesn't it?

My teams: I follow the Bears because I live in Chicago, the Colts because I grew up in Indiana, and the Saints because I love Drew Brees and the city of New Orleans. All three suffered heartbreaking losses. The Football Gods, they hate me. Now, futuremrsrickankiel is covering the NFC this week, but I still have to point out what I said about the Bears in our weekly picks: "I see Chicago coughing this one up in painful fashion, followed by three days worth of 'The Bears should have held on to Brian Griese' stories." Do I know my teams, or do I know my teams? (And yes, I know I blew the Colts pick, so don't bother to call me out on it. Meh.)

Labels: Ben Roethlisberger, defense, Houston Texans, Jacksonville Jaguars, Matt Cassel, Miami Dolphins, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, Oakland Raiders, Ronnie Brown, terrible officiating