Beware the Atlanta Falcons' team wizard.He will shrink you and wear you on his hat.
The Atlanta Falcons: Their opponent, the Denver Broncos, has been smacked around by injuries this season the way Lindsay Lohan gets hit with flour bombs and slutty misadventures. On defense, Denver is without Champ Bailey and all three of their projected starters at linebacker. On offense, the wild horses have lost five running backs, four of which are out for the season, and therefore were forced to sign world-famous luggage burgler Tatum Bell. Didn't matter. The dirty birds still couldn't win...mostly because they couldn't stop Peyton Hillis (44 rushing yards, 2 TDs) -- I know, who?! -- and Jay Cutler, who carved them up in the fourth quarter. Rookie Matt Ryan finally looked like a rookie. He threw for 250 yards, but he tossed an interception and no touchdowns. Ryan also missed several open receivers and almost threw another pick that would have gone for 6 the other way if Jamie Winborn didn't have hands that are cold and made of stone. Said Ryan: "I wish I could've had a couple throws back." Me too, Matt. Me too. I started you on my fantasy team.

Beware an attack of the 50-foot Eli.
The Baltimore Ravens: I heard a lot of people picking the Ravens for an upset this week. The only thing upset were the stomaches of the Baltimore faithful, who were forced to helplessly watch as their team got chewed up for 207 yards on the ground. Mind you, going into this game, the Ravens led the league in rushing yards allowed (65.4), and no individual had rushed for 100 yards against them in 28 games. That second fact is still all factual and stuff, but Brandon Jacobs trampled over them for 73 yards in the first half before banging his knee. Jacobs had only two carries in the second half, but Ahmad Bradshaw picked up the slack with 96 yards, 77 of which came on one run. Earlier this week, Ravens defensive tackle Haloti Ngata said: "You've got to believe what you're saying, and we believe we can stop anybody." I guess sometimes it takes more than irrational belief in yourself to get a stop, huh?

The lesson: You probably shouldn't put too much faith in a team that fattens up its record on the likes of the Browns, Bengals, Raiders, Dolphins and Texans.

Jake Delhomme: Huh. 98 yards and a touchdown. Whatever. Man, I've been hanging onto this guy all season, waiting for him to start blowing it up on offense. He's got the line. He's got the stud receiver. He's healthy. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, JAKE?!

"Don't leave me! I promise I'll change, baby!"
The Detroit Lions Zeroes: I'll give them this: They put up a fight, and even led for much of the first half. Then, as usual, things fell apart. The Panthers scored 21 points in the second quarter and ran away with the game from there. And when I say "ran away with the game," I'm being completely, 100 percent literal. The Panthers rushed for a team-record 264 yards on 8.3 yards per carry [!!!]. And yeah, it's kind of hard to win if you let your opponent reach the first down marker on almost every run. Jonathan Stewart sprinted for a career-high 130 yards (plus a TD) and DeAngelo Williams stomped downfield for another 120 (and two scores). It was the first time in the Panthers' 14-year history that two RBs went off for over 100 yards in the same game. Ah, those winless Zeroes, making history every time they shuffle sadly onto the field.

Rod Marinelli, quote machine: After the loss -- their 10th in 10 games on the season -- the Detroit coach said in what I'm guessing was a slightly manic voice: "Have we failed? Yes. Have I failed? Yes. Am I going to give up? No way. Am I discouraged? No way. I'm not." I'll go ahead and assume he then broke down and cried in his hands.

Jonathan Stewert, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "We've just got to keep pounding the ball." You go, Jonathan. Pound those balls. Pound 'em.

Hmm. I think I prefer the Cheeseheads...
The Chicago Bears: Kyle Orton was back, which meant Rex Grossman could be returned safely to that lonely spot at the end of the bench from whence he came. But, stunningly, Chicago played even worse than they did last week. The Bears -- who continually find new ways to disappoint and dishearten their fans -- decided to toss out the "Commit to stop the run at the expense of giving up the pass" script in favor of a revised "Give up both the pass and the run" strategy. Ryan Grant came out of his 10-game coma to run for a season-high 145 yards and a touchdown, and Aaron Rodgers completed 22 passes for 227 yards and 2 TDs. "They ran it, they threw it," Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher said. "They did whatever they wanted to do." Indeed they did, Brian. Indeed they did.

Kyle Orton: It sure looked like Kyle came back too soon. He was 13-for-26 for 133 yards. He didn't throw a touchdown. He completed only two passes to wide receivers. He got sacked and fumbled the ball, which was returned 54 yards for a TD by Jason Hunter. And then he was replaced by Rex Grossman...who finished with a better QB rating. It really doesn't get much worse than that. Said Orton: "I stunk it up." Yup. Pretty much.

Aaron Kampman: The Packers defensive end took a shot at Orton's injured ankle in the first quarter, and Kyle could be seem limping on and off afterward. I'm sorry, but that's dirty. You watch yourself, Aaron. If you blow out a knee or something, that's just karma saying, "Hi there! Gotcha!"

Ryan Grant, quote machine: "We're the champions until somebody takes it to us." Uhm, uh, uhm, wha...? I'm sorry, but an underachieving running back on a 5-5 squad that won the craptastic NFC North last season should probably check his ego and megalomaniacal statements at the door.

Vikings versus Buccaneers: Watching this game was like watching two homeless men fight over a half-eaten roast beef sandwich. I felt guilty and kind of hated myself for sitting through it.

Chester Taylor: He touched the ball only seven times -- 5 rushes for 11 yards and 2 receptions for 15 yards -- but still managed to lose two fumbles, one as a runner and one as a receiver. Way to sabotage your team, Chester.

Sucking gives Marc Bulger sad face.
The St. Louis Rams: Well, last week they trailed by 40 points at halftime. This week, they were behind by only 32 points. That's an 8-point improvement! It's all about baby steps...right?

Wrong. This team just kicked Detroit in the proverbial groin and is running off with the mantle of "Worst Team In The League." Seriously, I look at those two wins the Rams got a few weeks back and I wonder, "How the hell did THAT happen?" It's the same way I feel every time I see Hot Chicks With Douchbags. I mean, at least the Zeroes had a lead this week, and the Sad Tigers managed a tie against the Eagles. How is it even possible for a team to be this bad? Said QB Marc Bulger: "We were well-prepared schematically. We just didn't execute." Oh, you executed, all right. You're killing football in St. Louis. That's execution if I've ever seen it.

"I want to grind my mustache into you, Kurt."
The Arizona Cardinals: I know, I know. The red birds are 7-3 for the first time since 1977, when they were in St. Louis, and they can clinch their first division title since 1975 next week. But take a look back on the last two weeks and you'll see cause for worry. Despite the fact that Kurt Warner threw for almost 800 yards and 4 TDs in those two games, it took a goal line stand on the game's final play to beat a terrible 49ers team in Arizona and they let an equally abysmal Seahawks team storm back from a 26-7 fourth quarter deficit and almost win the game. That is not instilling me with confidence. I mean, they outgained the 'Hawks 471-213 and held the ball for almost 10 more minutes. The final score should not have been anywhere near as close as 26-20.

Labels: Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions, Minnesota Vikings, Tampa Bay Bucaneers, Worst of the Weekend

Fantasy fallout: This game featured (and didn't feature) some of this season's biggest fantasy football disappointments not named Tom Brady. Willie Parker is injured and out indefinitely (or "day-to-day" in NFL parlance). Ben Roethlisberger -- who last season was second overall in QB rating (104.1) and third in touchdowns (32) -- has been spending so much time on the turf I'm starting to think he developed narcolepsy in the offseason (or, as my buddy Mr. P calls it, narcosleepy). As a consequence Santonio Holmes, Hines Ward and Heath Miller have been nearly useless. Rashard Mendenhall, who was supposed to be Pittsburgh's next big running back, fractured his left shoulder last night and is out for the season.

On the other side of the ball, Willis McGahee has 106 yards and 1 TD in only two games this season, and he injured both his knee and chest last night...and thus had to leave the game early. Meanwhile, rookie QB Joe Flacco isn't exactly lighting it up: He has exactly one TD on the year (compared to 2 interceptions, 3 fumbles and 6 sacks) and he's averaging a craptastic 150 YPG. I keep hearing the term "game manager" every time he's discussed, and that rarely leads to good things for young QBs. And mind you, this is a guy who's had games against both Cincinnati and Cleveland already. (Random aside: Is it just me, or does anybody else think "Flaccid" when they hear "Flacco"? Yeah, it's probably just me.)

Pittsburgh Steelers through two-and-a-half quarters: By midway through the third quarter, they had exactly one first down. One. In a semi-must-win home game. And, natch, the Pittsburgh crowd booed their team. Happy times in the Iron City. Fortunately for the Steelers, they were playing...

The Baltimore Ravens: Talk about retching up a game they should have won. Late in the third quarter, Baltimore had a 10-point lead that felt more like 30. Pittsburgh's passing game was MIA and they were down to their fourth and last running back. Then, Roethlisberger shocked the world by tossing a 38-yard TD pass to Santonio Holmes -- it was Holmes' first of the season -- to bring the Steelers to within three. Less than 20 seconds later, Joe Flacco coughed up a fumble that LaMarr Woodley returned for a TD. And just like that, the Steelers were up by four. How do you hold a team to 3 points for more than half-an-hour and then give up 14 points in half a minute? That's like a prom date who won't even hold your hand for most of the night suddenly tearing off her clothes, dousing herself in baby oil, and...what was I talking about again?

Mike Tomlin, quote machine: In addition to Mendenhall, the Steelers also lost right guard Kendall Simmons (right Achilles) for the season, which drills yet another hole into their Swiss cheese of an offensive line. But Tomlin is staying strangely optimistic. "It is only devastating if you allow it to be." That's a great sentiment, coach. And it's sort of easy for you to say, since you don't have to stand behind that line while a half-dozen 300-pound monsters are trying to run you down and break you in half. That's like me telling somebody that a bullet can only tear through your insides like butter if you let it.

Meaningless stats: Did you know that Pittsburgh won its 14th consecutive Monday night home game last night, a streak that dates to a 1991 loss to the New York Giants at Three Rivers Stadium? Did you care? Yeah. I didn't think so.

Tony Kornheiser: You can read more about the exploits of Kandy Korn over at Awful Announcing, but I was particularly amused by this gem, in which Tony channeled his inner John Madden. Regarding Big Ben Roethlisberger: "At some point, you are what you are as a quarterback." Maybe he figured if he sounded more like Madden, people would stop pointing out how out of place he is on MNF.

Update! Special note from futuremrsrickankiel: "Please don't forget to call Willis McGahee a tubby piece of shit and Rashard Mendenhall an overrated rookie bust." Consider it done.

Labels: Baltimore Ravens, Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward, Joe Flacco, Monday Night Football, Tony Kornheiser, Willie Parker