Beware the Atlanta Falcons' team wizard.He will shrink you and wear you on his hat.
The Atlanta Falcons: Their opponent, the Denver Broncos, has been smacked around by injuries this season the way Lindsay Lohan gets hit with flour bombs and slutty misadventures. On defense, Denver is without Champ Bailey and all three of their projected starters at linebacker. On offense, the wild horses have lost five running backs, four of which are out for the season, and therefore were forced to sign world-famous luggage burgler Tatum Bell. Didn't matter. The dirty birds still couldn't win...mostly because they couldn't stop Peyton Hillis (44 rushing yards, 2 TDs) -- I know, who?! -- and Jay Cutler, who carved them up in the fourth quarter. Rookie Matt Ryan finally looked like a rookie. He threw for 250 yards, but he tossed an interception and no touchdowns. Ryan also missed several open receivers and almost threw another pick that would have gone for 6 the other way if Jamie Winborn didn't have hands that are cold and made of stone. Said Ryan: "I wish I could've had a couple throws back." Me too, Matt. Me too. I started you on my fantasy team.

Beware an attack of the 50-foot Eli.
The Baltimore Ravens: I heard a lot of people picking the Ravens for an upset this week. The only thing upset were the stomaches of the Baltimore faithful, who were forced to helplessly watch as their team got chewed up for 207 yards on the ground. Mind you, going into this game, the Ravens led the league in rushing yards allowed (65.4), and no individual had rushed for 100 yards against them in 28 games. That second fact is still all factual and stuff, but Brandon Jacobs trampled over them for 73 yards in the first half before banging his knee. Jacobs had only two carries in the second half, but Ahmad Bradshaw picked up the slack with 96 yards, 77 of which came on one run. Earlier this week, Ravens defensive tackle Haloti Ngata said: "You've got to believe what you're saying, and we believe we can stop anybody." I guess sometimes it takes more than irrational belief in yourself to get a stop, huh?

The lesson: You probably shouldn't put too much faith in a team that fattens up its record on the likes of the Browns, Bengals, Raiders, Dolphins and Texans.

Jake Delhomme: Huh. 98 yards and a touchdown. Whatever. Man, I've been hanging onto this guy all season, waiting for him to start blowing it up on offense. He's got the line. He's got the stud receiver. He's healthy. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, JAKE?!

"Don't leave me! I promise I'll change, baby!"
The Detroit Lions Zeroes: I'll give them this: They put up a fight, and even led for much of the first half. Then, as usual, things fell apart. The Panthers scored 21 points in the second quarter and ran away with the game from there. And when I say "ran away with the game," I'm being completely, 100 percent literal. The Panthers rushed for a team-record 264 yards on 8.3 yards per carry [!!!]. And yeah, it's kind of hard to win if you let your opponent reach the first down marker on almost every run. Jonathan Stewart sprinted for a career-high 130 yards (plus a TD) and DeAngelo Williams stomped downfield for another 120 (and two scores). It was the first time in the Panthers' 14-year history that two RBs went off for over 100 yards in the same game. Ah, those winless Zeroes, making history every time they shuffle sadly onto the field.

Rod Marinelli, quote machine: After the loss -- their 10th in 10 games on the season -- the Detroit coach said in what I'm guessing was a slightly manic voice: "Have we failed? Yes. Have I failed? Yes. Am I going to give up? No way. Am I discouraged? No way. I'm not." I'll go ahead and assume he then broke down and cried in his hands.

Jonathan Stewert, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "We've just got to keep pounding the ball." You go, Jonathan. Pound those balls. Pound 'em.

Hmm. I think I prefer the Cheeseheads...
The Chicago Bears: Kyle Orton was back, which meant Rex Grossman could be returned safely to that lonely spot at the end of the bench from whence he came. But, stunningly, Chicago played even worse than they did last week. The Bears -- who continually find new ways to disappoint and dishearten their fans -- decided to toss out the "Commit to stop the run at the expense of giving up the pass" script in favor of a revised "Give up both the pass and the run" strategy. Ryan Grant came out of his 10-game coma to run for a season-high 145 yards and a touchdown, and Aaron Rodgers completed 22 passes for 227 yards and 2 TDs. "They ran it, they threw it," Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher said. "They did whatever they wanted to do." Indeed they did, Brian. Indeed they did.

Kyle Orton: It sure looked like Kyle came back too soon. He was 13-for-26 for 133 yards. He didn't throw a touchdown. He completed only two passes to wide receivers. He got sacked and fumbled the ball, which was returned 54 yards for a TD by Jason Hunter. And then he was replaced by Rex Grossman...who finished with a better QB rating. It really doesn't get much worse than that. Said Orton: "I stunk it up." Yup. Pretty much.

Aaron Kampman: The Packers defensive end took a shot at Orton's injured ankle in the first quarter, and Kyle could be seem limping on and off afterward. I'm sorry, but that's dirty. You watch yourself, Aaron. If you blow out a knee or something, that's just karma saying, "Hi there! Gotcha!"

Ryan Grant, quote machine: "We're the champions until somebody takes it to us." Uhm, uh, uhm, wha...? I'm sorry, but an underachieving running back on a 5-5 squad that won the craptastic NFC North last season should probably check his ego and megalomaniacal statements at the door.

Vikings versus Buccaneers: Watching this game was like watching two homeless men fight over a half-eaten roast beef sandwich. I felt guilty and kind of hated myself for sitting through it.

Chester Taylor: He touched the ball only seven times -- 5 rushes for 11 yards and 2 receptions for 15 yards -- but still managed to lose two fumbles, one as a runner and one as a receiver. Way to sabotage your team, Chester.

Sucking gives Marc Bulger sad face.
The St. Louis Rams: Well, last week they trailed by 40 points at halftime. This week, they were behind by only 32 points. That's an 8-point improvement! It's all about baby steps...right?

Wrong. This team just kicked Detroit in the proverbial groin and is running off with the mantle of "Worst Team In The League." Seriously, I look at those two wins the Rams got a few weeks back and I wonder, "How the hell did THAT happen?" It's the same way I feel every time I see Hot Chicks With Douchbags. I mean, at least the Zeroes had a lead this week, and the Sad Tigers managed a tie against the Eagles. How is it even possible for a team to be this bad? Said QB Marc Bulger: "We were well-prepared schematically. We just didn't execute." Oh, you executed, all right. You're killing football in St. Louis. That's execution if I've ever seen it.

"I want to grind my mustache into you, Kurt."
The Arizona Cardinals: I know, I know. The red birds are 7-3 for the first time since 1977, when they were in St. Louis, and they can clinch their first division title since 1975 next week. But take a look back on the last two weeks and you'll see cause for worry. Despite the fact that Kurt Warner threw for almost 800 yards and 4 TDs in those two games, it took a goal line stand on the game's final play to beat a terrible 49ers team in Arizona and they let an equally abysmal Seahawks team storm back from a 26-7 fourth quarter deficit and almost win the game. That is not instilling me with confidence. I mean, they outgained the 'Hawks 471-213 and held the ball for almost 10 more minutes. The final score should not have been anywhere near as close as 26-20.

Labels: Atlanta Falcons, Baltimore Ravens, Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions, Minnesota Vikings, Tampa Bay Bucaneers, Worst of the Weekend

It's okay, guys. Only 11 more ego-shattering losses to go...
The Washington Redskins. The 'Skins followed up ultra-impressive back-to-back road wins over the Cowboys and Eagles by...losing at home to the previously winless Rams? That's like Batman defeating the Joker and Lex Luthor (we'll assume Superman was on vacation) only to break his neck by slipping on a banana peel. And that's what the Rams are this year: The banana peel of the NFL. Washington entered the game as the only team in league history to open a season with zero offensive turnovers in its first five games. However, the universe loves a stat curse, and that's why the Redskins lost three fumbles yesterday, one of which was returned 75 yards for a touchdown by Oshiomogho Atogwe. Random aside: From now on, I'm going to scream "Oshiomogho!" whenever I succeed at something. This includes but is not limited to: Parallel parking, finding loose change in couch cushions, and particularly satisfying bathroom breaks.

Richie Incognito. This schmuck very nearly cost the Rams their first, lonely win of the season. With his team killing the clock to set up for an easy field goal attempt, Incognito got whistled for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for verbally abusing an official. His oral diarrhea transformed a reasonably sure 34-yard field goal into an "oh man, I can't watch this" 49-yarder and prompted new head coach Jim Haslett to scream "What is wrong with this motherfucker?" on the sidelines.

Incognito was confused by the penalty -- he said: "I cannot explain it." -- and claimed that he was simply protecting his quarterback during a scrum in which some Redskins players were trying to force a turnover. "They took a swing at Marc. We were all jaw jacking." But Washington linebacker London Fletcher begs to differ; Fletcher believes Incognito is a dirty player and that the call was nothing less than he deserved. "He could have got several penalties, several personal fouls. That's his M.O. He does a lot of late hitting, grabbing face masks, things like that. The referee could have actually gave him a penalty before he even [was called for personal foul in the final minute]."

That's superdickery. But no matter. Incognito will soon have to answer to a higher power: "My mom will be mad at me," he said.

Josh Brown. I know, I know. He helped his team escape the pain and humilation of winlessness by kicking a 49-yard field goal on the last play of the game. However, he also violated the unwritten but strictly observed rule that NFL kickers are not allowed to celebrate. Ever. You know why? Because when they do, stuff like this happens:

Dear all other NFL kickers: You've been warned.
The Detroit Surrender Lions: At one point during the Bears game, I saw a 3-2 score flash across the ticker at the bottom of the screen. I said out loud: "That has to be the Detroit game." And, of course, it was. (And yes, they were the team that gave up the safety.) Despite being the Lions and starting a QB named Dan Orlovsky, Detroit actually managed to both score an offensive touchdown and lead for most of the game (prior to yesterday, they had held a lead for less than three minutes all season). But they are who we thought they were, and the Vikings managed to kick a field goal with nine seconds left to keep the Lions winless. And hopeless. And any other -less you can think of.

Oh, and here's where we get into "It's worse than that, he's dead Jim!" territory. Take a gander at Detroit's schedule for the rest of the season: at Houston, Washington, at Chicago, Jacksonville, at Carolina, Tampa Bay, Tennessee, Minnesota, at Indianapolis, New Orleans, at Green Bay. I'm telling you, they could go winless. Stay tuned at the Lions chase history!

The Chicago Bears coaching staff. I don't mean to go all Bill Walton here, but what were they thinking? Were they thinking?! Scoring a go-ahead TD with 11 seconds left in the game has to rank pretty high on the NFL Head Coach's Wish List, but apparently Lovie and the Gang don't go for standard wishery. Since they were apparently still wetting themselves over Jerious Norwood's 85-yard kickoff return, Da Coaches decided to have Robbie Gould squib kick the ball to the Falcons. This helped limit the return to only 10 yards, but it also gave the Falcons the ball on their own 44-yard line. On the ensuing pass play, the Bears employed a soft zone in the secondary, which allowed Michael Jenkins to catch a 26-yard pass and get out of bounds with one second left on the clock. Quick quiz: What's the one thing you don't want your team to do in a situation like this? Answer: That. Yet it happened. Why not set up the defense to force Atlanta to throw it into the middle of the field? They complete a pass, you tackle the reciever, the clock runs out, game over. That's all it would have taken to secure a victory. A monkey would realize that after playing 20 minutes worth of Madden. A brain-damaged monkey. With hemmoroids.

I should also point out that earlier in the fourth quarter, the Bears were stuffed on third-and-one and fourth-and-one when Lovie Smith ran his favorite goal line play: UP THE MIDDLE. I think opposing teams have probably figured that one out, Lovie. You might want to come up with an alternative play that doesn't suck. I know NFL coaches are supposed to have a chart that tells them what they're supposed to do in various situations. Well, the Bears coaches must have a chart that just says FAIL. Do you hear that sound, Lovie? It's everybody laughing at you. And I do mean everybody.


The Chicago Bears defense. There's nowhere left for these guys to hide. The Bears are 3-3, and all three losses can be blamed on the defense. They gave up double-digit fourth-quarter leads to the Panthers and Bucs, and then they couldn't hold a lead for six seconds against the Falcons (that's how much time was left after the kickoff return). And although they managed to hold Michael Turner in check, the Chicago D let rookie quarterback Matt Ryan (301 yards, 23-for-30, 1 TD and a 116.1 QB rating) carve them up. Oh, and Roddy White (9 receptions, 112 yards and a TD) couldn't have evaded them more successfully if he'd been trained in the deadly arts of the Ninja.

JaMarcus Russell. The Raiders were so inspired by their recent change in leadership that they came out and got sandblasted 34-3 by the Saints. On the bright side, THEY DID SCORE FIRST. And first blood tastes so sweet. Unless, that is, it's washed down with the bitter flavor of godawful quarterback. Russell completed only 37 percent of his passes (13-for-35) for 159 yards. He was sacked twice, intercepted once, fumbled once and finished with a QB rating of 40.1. That's a full 55 points lower than Detroit's Dan Orlovsky, by the way. And that, my friend, is nature's way of saying...


Javon Walker: He had one catch for seven yards yesterday. On the season, he has a grand total five catches for only 59 yards. This seems like as good a time as any to mention that, in March, Walker signed a six-year, $55 million free agent contract with Oakland. That deal includes $27 million in the first three years and $16 million guaranteed. Money well spent, Mr. Davis. Money well spent. Now, can I interest you in a time machine that will allow you to return to a time when your team wasn't a worthless mockery? I'll totally give you "buddy rates."

The Carolina Panthers. In my weekly picks, I said that the Carolina had become the Ferris Bueller of the NFL. Well, on Sunday against the Bucs, they were more like Ferris' friend Cameron. The Panthers lowlights includes Jake Delhomme's three INTs and 38.6 QB rating, DeAngelo Williams's 27 yards on 11 carries, and a defensive effort that saw Jeff Garcia (15-for-20, 173 yards, 1 TD, 117.3 QB rating) and Warrick Dunn (115 yards on 22 rushes) take turns bitchslapping them. All I know is, it's bad when JaMarcus Russell watches highlights of your game and asks, "Hey, anybody know if we're playing the Panthers this season?"

Jake Delhomme, quote machine. What did he make of his team's 27-3 fail-a-palooza against the Bucs? "I don't know if its a wake-up call. We got beat. Very simply, we didn't play well and they played well." Thanks for that, Jake. I didn't get it before, but now? I totally get it.

Ken Whisenhunt/icing the kicker. The Cardinals blocked a Nick Folk field goal that gave them a 24-21 win as time expired...wait, what? Whisenhunt called a timeout that nullified the blocked kick? Because he wanted to ice the kicker?! Boy, karma really is a bitch, huh? Folk was so iced by the timeout that he nailed a 52-yarder and sent the game to overtime. The Cardinals still won, thanks to a blocked punt that was returned for a touchdown, but still. Icing the kicker is one of the lamest gimmicks in the NFL. It's right up there with calling them a poopyhead or insulting their mother. Why not try something really effective, like sending them a good luck card that says, "Ha, ha, just kidding. YOU ARE A LOSER."

Packers drama. After a sort-of-but-not-really impressive win over NFC West's new doormat (now that the Rams have a more recent victory), it's time to bask in the unrivaled hyperbole of a Green Bay victory. According to the Associated Press: "Aaron Rodgers turned his sprained shoulder into a lesson for any Packers who may still be missing his predecessor. The first-year starter is showing grit and leadership that would make Brett Favre proud." To this point, Favre and his agent have neither confirmed nor denied this assessment, probably because they're too busy being all proud and stuff.

Rodgers, however, read these comments and nodded knowingly during his postgame press conference. "Everybody plays with injuries in this league. But to not practice for two weeks, to not throw the ball at all, I'm proud the way I was able to play today," Rodgers said with a shy smile and a large crocodile tear flowing down his chiseled cheak. "Hopefully it shows my teammates that I will put my body on the line for them and I care about them a lot, that come Sunday I'm going to give it all I can." He then rushed from the podium and overturned a burning car to save a burlap sack full of adorable kittens that were trapped within. "It was just adrenaline," Rodgers said. "I'm sure anybody else capable of unthinkable feats of superhuman strength, stamina and will power would have done the same thing. All I did was risk life and limb to rip the door of a car that was totally on fire. It was nothing." Stand back, kids. It's...


Note: The FutureMrs has promised "a SUPER JUMBO-SIZED Worst of the Weekend for the AFC tomorrow that includes MNF!" Just FYI. Trust me, it'll be worth the wait.

Labels: Carolina Panthers, Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions, icing the kicker, idiot kickers, Ken Whisenhunt, NFC, Worst of the Weekend