Falcons over Broncos: "We are sticking together as a team," Denver linebacker Louis Green said earlier this week. "There is no 'offense' or 'defense' -- we are a team." Of course, Green was only half right: There is no defense in Denver. Or, as I like to think of them, Enver. And their offense, due to injuries, has become entirely one-dimensional. Their running back situation is so dire they had to pull Alex Haynes and Tatum Bell off the waiver wire...which would be a suicide move for a fantasy squad, let alone an NFL team.

Meanwhile, the Falcons are balanced on both sides of the ball and really tough at home. Denver is okay on the road, I guess, if you can take anything from their two wins away from home...against the Raiders and Browns. And they lost to the Chiefs in Kansas City. Need I say more?

Falcon

Giants over Ravens: Both teams are going for their fifth straight win. Only one of them will get it. I'm betting my custom Eli-4-Ever bed sheets on New York. I mean, look at the teams the Ravens have beaten on their four-game winning streak: Miami, Oakland, Cleveland and Houston. Really, those should only count as one win, or maybe 1.5. Before that, the black birds played three tough teams -- the Steelers, Titans and Colts -- and lost to them all. And their other two wins were against the Sad Tigers and Browns. So, you know, I'm not a believer.

Dead raven

Fun fact: Eli Manning had the worst game of his career -- and that's saying something -- against the Ravens on December 12, 2004. He was 4-of-18 for a career-low 27 yards with two interceptions as the Giants lost 37-14.

Panthers over Lions Zeroes: Bwahahahaha! I'm not even gonna try to justify this one. Detroit winning would be about as impossible as Jesus riding a dinosaur...

Jesus dino

Oh. Well. Never mind, then.

Sad fact #1: The Zeroes are 0-9 and are losing by an average of 14 PPG.

Happy fact: They had a recent four-game streak (against the Vikings, Texans, Redskins and Bears) where they lost by only 5.3 PPG. Improvement!

Sad fact #2: They lost by 24 to the previously slumping Jaguars last weekend.

"I feel sick in my stomach," Detroit's rookie running back Kevin Smith said earlier this week. Get used to it, kid.

Packers over Bears: "I can't wait for the day when Kyle says he is ready," Chicago coach Lovie Smith said recently. Which is how you'd expect him to feel when his only other option is Rex Grossman. Still, the choices aren't good: Sexy Rexy or a rushed-back-to-soon-out-of-panic Kyle Orton. Seems like the Bears offense is destined to struggle either way.

Speaking of struggling, their pass defense is in serious need of...something. Anything. Tennessee's Kerry Collins, Detroit's Dan Orlovsky and Minnesota's Gus Frerotte have combined to throw for 879 yards and six touchdowns in the Bears' last three games. If the Bears can transform Collins/Orlovsky/Frerotte into Johnny Unitas, what are they going to turn Aaron Rodgers into...some sort of Super Jesus?!

super jesus

Hm. Maybe I'd better stop making Jesus jokes before I get struck by lightning.

Buccaneers over Vikings: Adrian Peterson -- a MAN-type man among boys -- has averaged 140.1 rushing yards over the last four. Here's the "yeah, but...": Three of the opponents he faced during that stretch (the Lions, Texans and Packers) rank in the NFL's bottom 10 in run defense and two are among the bottom five (the Lions and Packers).

Tampa Bay, meanwhile, ranks 11th against the run (99.3 YPG). And they're even better at home (69.0 YPG in four games). The Bucs are 4-0 in those contests, during which they've held opponents to 10.8 points and 218.3 total yards.

The Vikings are only explosive on offense when AP is running against bad Ds or Frerotte is throwing against the Bears. But in the battle of Pirates versus Vikings, I see a lot of dead vikings.

Dead viking
"Eek! I'm dead!"

Fun fact: Last Sunday, Fox Sports reporter Pam Oliver told Troy Aikman that Frerotte was tuned out by offensive teammates as he tried to encourage them. "Before the Vikings' offense took the field, Gus Frerotte tried to round up his guys and tried to give them a pep talk. But I noticed that only two people bothered to listen," she said. "Frerotte has refused to get down on himself because of his mistakes. But I can see a few of his offensive teammates are starting to show frustration at the way the offense has stalled."

Tuning out Frerotte? I can't believe it. (I'm kidding. I totally believe it.)

49ers over Rams: A titanic battle between a couple of 2-7 teams.

Boring

Blah, blah, stats, blah, blah, sucky teams, blah, blah, blah. If there was a game meant for Thursday night on the NFL Network, this was it. NFL FAIL.

Cardinals over Seahawks: The 'Hawks rank 30th in YPG (260.2), 27th in PPG (18.9) and 27th in total defense (372.1 YPG). All of which makes this amazingly appropriate. Anyway, Hasselbeck might be back, Branch might be back...know what? I don't care. It doesn't matter. Freaking Jesus would have to return to give this team any sort of chance...but our Lord and Savior is out teaching important life lessons.

Jesus fish

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2 Comments:
Blogger DDC said...
Matt, pretty funny post dude. Are you going to do a playoff preview as well?

Blogger BadDave said...
"Caw! Caw! Bang!! F*&! 'em, dead!"