Atlanta over Kansas City. The Chiefs may honestly be starting Joakim Soria at quarterback this weekend -- hey, he's surely a better option than Tyler Thigpen. Ryan's due for another big game and the Falcons will have an easy win. Betting on the Atlanta Falcons: it feels better than you'd think!

Basketbawful says: Hmph. I see this as betting against Kansas City moreso than betting on the Falcons. It's called the lesser of two evils. Kind of like choosing between getting pelted to death by cabbage heads or being operated on by the cast of House. I'd choose the first option, by the way. Go Falcons!

Seattle over St. Louis. Poor Seattle's O-line has more holes in it than OJ's alibi after this past Sunday sent a fourth wide receiver packing to the IR. Thankfully, it seems that a benevolent God has smiled down on them from the heavens and sent them respite in the form of the oh-so-slutty Rams defense, which has already given up a total of 79 points on the season. The sack-happy Seattle D is going to make mincemeat (or perhaps some other kind of pie that doesn't suck) out of poor Marc Bulger, who's already been sacked 10 times on the year. Also sure to be winners this week: Julius Jones fantasy owners.

Basketbawful says: Man, I'm glad I picked Julius Jones off the waiver wire last week. If there are fewer than 27 sacks in this game, I'll be bitterly disappointed. Actually, this game is destined to be a bitter disappointment no matter how many sacks there are. Seattle all the way.

Chicago over Tampa Bay. Somewhere, at this very moment, Brian Urlacher is watching film of Brian Griese and licking his lips. I say Chicago's defense will make Tampa Bay's already shaky offense look foolish and the Bears roll to an easy victory despite the possible absence of Devin Hester. HE CAN'T TAKE CONTACT HE AIN'T DOING SHIT. Sorry, what?

Basketbawful says: I'm tempted to agree, but as a cynical always-ready-for-my-team-to-fail Bears fan, I see Chicago coughing this one up in painful fashion, followed by three days worth of "The Bears should have held on to Brian Griese" stories.

San Francisco over Detroit. Duh. Jon Kitna got a fortune in a fortune cookie the other day that said, "There will soon be many positive changes in your life." It lied, Jon. THE COOKIE LIED.

Basketbawful says: Huh, that's funny. I consulted my Magic 8-Ball about this game and it responded: "Take me out of your pants!" Ha, ha, Magic 8-Ball. Ha, ha. I'll take San Fran.

Green Bay over Dallas. Tony Romo's offense is always solid (well, when he's not throwing picks or fumbling in his own end zone), but the 'Boys D-line will have no answer for Green Bay's offense. Sorry, Dallas! Greg Jennings will have another huge game against a Dallas defense that wouldn't know a pass rush if it bit them in the ass, and the Packers will be 3-0. This message approved by the Packer Pope.

Basketbawful says: Let me put it this way. I don't really believe in Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, but I believe in Santa Claus more than the Easter Bunny, if that makes any sense. And, in this case, Romo is Santa Claus and Rodgers is the Easter Bunny. Dallas scores more points in this one.

New York over Cincinnati. FUCK YOU CINCINNATI WHY ARE YOU SO HARD TO SPELL?! I hate to say the Giants are going 3-0 this weekend, but, like... the Giants are going 3-0 this weekend. They're playing the Bengals. The Bengals have scored 17 points on the season so far.

Basketbawful says: Remember the bad milk analogy I made in this week's Powerless Rankings? Well, the Cincinatti milk has turned green and it has little black chunks in it. Eww. Man, remember when Palmer/Johnson was supposed to be the next Manning/Harrison. Giants roll.

Carolina over Minnesota. There are those who will call me foolish for picking the Panthers to win a third straight against the Vikings. Those people will owe me money come Monday. Jake Delhomme is no Peyton Manning, but I think he'll do just as good a job splitting the Vikings D to pull out a victory. Yes, Adrian Peterson will be awesome. No, he will not win his team the game. Be forewarned: if you watch this game, Steve Smith just might make you his bitch. Gus Frerotte? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Basketbawful says: Here's the saddest possible commentary I can make about the Vikings: They got about three times better when Brad Childress named Gus the starting QB. That...that can't be good. I'd be tempted to pick the Vikes, but Peterson is hurting. Carolina pulls it out again.

Arizona over Washington. Kurt Warner, baby! I see no reason why the Cards shouldn't stomp all over the Redskins en route to starting off the season 3-0. Worth tuning in just for the chance to catch Jim Zorn frantically texting Steve Largent for help at halftime.

Basketbawful says: I really, really, really want to root for Old Man Warner and the Cards in this one, but this being the first game they'll have to play against a real defense this season...I'm gonna have to go with the Redskins.

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Blogger DDC said...
Awesome post peeps.

Blogger D.J. Foster said...
The San Fran - Detroit breakdown was one of the funniest things I've read in a while.

Has there ever been a more unwatchable game than Tampa Bay Chicago? Ever?