OK, here are some random observations of mine over the course of this weekend’s games. Don’t expect some weekly expose (like that old dude at the end of 60 minutes), but if I deem enough things annoying, wicked cool, worthy of notation, interesting or absurd, I shall type. Let’s begin:

The Patriots: First of all, I am a big fan of thefuturemrsrickankiel. Love how she writes, love her pithy “prediction / worst of” comments, etc. Were I not married, I would marry her, or least shower her with compliments on a football blog. I, too, am a Patriots fan, and therefore, by default, I like all other Patriots fans. However, I did not possess the same apparent frustration she had over this week’s Patriots overtime loss to the Jets. In fact, I’ve never been quite so encouraged by a loss in quite some time. Look, the Pats were down 24-6. They came back and took the Jets to 31 all, and forced overtime. Cassell looks better every week. He used to scramble like an Armageddon extra from a perfectly sound pocket, he now stands in longer, runs well when necessary (“like a gazelle” according to Randy Moss), and just might, by season’s end, be someone who could lead the Pats to a playoff win (assuming they even get there). The Patriots have a ridiculous number of injuries (Adalius Thomas, Rodney Harrison, they’re down to some 7-year-old at running back), and they still took the healthy Jets with a solid-playing Brett Favre to overtime. I’m cool with that.

The discouraging thing about the Pats is their perpetual grump of a coach. I know how much you hate the Jets, Bill, and how much you hate Eric Mangini, but seriously, stop looking like somebody ran over your grandma with an eighteen-wheeler at post-game press conferences, and try to actually answer a question or two. And when Mangini wants to wish you well at the end of a hard-fought game, be magnanimous and talk to him. Do you forget how you “betrayed” your own mentor, the other Bill, and took off for the Patriots job? Forgive a guy for wanting to further his career and stop being a turd. The grudge has lasted long enough. Try to stop being so Belichicky (future word of the day?), and get over it.

The Cowboys: I’m watching this Cowboys-Redskins game tonight – hoping that Romo gets knocked out so my fantasy team can win – and the Cowboys, thus far, are doing everything they can to suppress Romo’s numbers for me. How many times in the first half can they run too-long-to-develop end-arounds and double-reverses to try to appease T.O. just because he bitches that he doesn’t get the ball enough? Pathetic. He’s a cancer, and I don’t care how talented he is. If he’s on a team that happens to win a Superbowl, he won’t be the difference. The man subtracts as much as he adds to a team. Period. So there. Onward.

Troy Polamalu: Uhm, that dude is good. You know the interception against the Chargers this week that I'm talking about. He's almost as good as that Nike “fate” commercial with him and LT.

Bud Light: I’ve always thought Bud Light tastes like ass, and now the marketers at Anheuser-Busch have publicly confirmed they agree. Their latest ad campaign is that Bud Light possesses the "drinkability" difference. When the best thing you can say about a beer is that it’s "drinkable," you might as well say “This beer tastes like it's been pissed out of one of our majestic Clydesdales."


It's not Shakespeare, but I'll take Dr. Cox as the Commissioner of the More Taste League any day of the week.


Random thoughts over, children. Amen.

Evil Ted out.

Labels: Bud light, evil ted, Miller Lite, New England Patriots, observations

Note: The photo is courtesy of Mass Hysteria Sports.

The New England "defense": I've never actually seen someone reanimate a corpse before, but watching the Patriot defenders bring Ronnie Brown back to life was the next best thing. Brown rushed for 113 yards on 17 carries and punched in four touchdowns. He even threw a 19-yard to Anthony Fasano midway through the third quarter. It was like watching LaDainian Tomlinson in a Ronnie Brown suit.

How bad was the New England D? Four of Brown's five touchdowns -- wrap your head around that for a second: five touchdowns -- came on the old "direct snap to the running back" play, which hardly ever works. Said Patriots safety Rodney Harrison: "I don't know why in the world we couldn't stop that play. They just came in and beat our butts. You've got a bitter taste in your mouth." Yeah. And that taste...well, insert your own "Brown" joke here.

And for the record, it wasn't just Brown. Ricky Williams motored his way to 98 yards on 16 carries. That's a combined 211 yards from two guys who had averaged only 2.6 yards per carry in two games against the Jets and Cardinals. Yes, the Jets and Cardinals. Oh, and Chad "I keep getting left for dead, and for good reason" Pennington was 17-for-20 for 226 yards and a QB Rating of 113.8.

I'll tell you what it was like. Remember that scene in Clash of the Titans where Perseus was fighting Medusa in that room full of statues, only the statues were actually proud old warriors Medusa had turned to stone? Well, the Pats were those stoned warriors, while Brown and Williams were a nasty, two-headed Medusa.

Matt Cassel, quote machine: That popping sound you just heard was the Matt Cassel bubble. The Rawhide Kid tossed for 131 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT and finished with a QB Rating of 68.1. For the sake of clarity, that was 90.2 points below Ronnie Brown's QB Rating. Saying that Cassel was ineffective yesterday is like saying that existing on a diet composed of butter, gravy, and cake frosting is an ineffective way to not becoming a sloshing fatbag. But don't worry: Matt is staying upbeat on this one: "We have to go out and regroup. It is a learning situation for me, playing from behind." Oh yeah? Tell me, Mr. I've Spent Most Of My Career Sitting On The Bench, what isn't a learning situation for you right now?

The Oakland Panty-Raiders: The Silver and Black had a 23-7 lead with about eight minutes left in the game. In most places on this planet, that's a pretty safe lead. But not when Oakland is involved. The Raiders watched in mute but unsurprised horror as the Bills scored 17 straight points in those eight minutes to win 24-23. But this wasn't Jim Kelly, Thurman Thomas and Andre Reed. It was Trent Edwards, Marshawn Lynch and Lee Evans. Although it should be noted that Rian Lindell tried to pull a Scott Norwood when he missed a 46-yard field goal in the third quarter, but he made up for it by booting in the go-ahead 38-yarder as time expired. The Bills are now 3-0 (for the first time since 1992) and alone atop their division, and the Raiders...are not. You can probably expect Raider head coach Lane Kiffen to be released from hell fired sometime today.

The Houston Texans: Yes, the Titans are good. And yes, the Houston Texans are bad. So very, very bad. Like "I just discovered a live, wriggling cockroach in my hamburger" bad. The Texans got mashed to pulp, giving up 31 points while scoring only 12 themselves...this despite making it inside the Titan's 14-yard line six times. The one bright spot for Houston fans was the play of rookie running back Steve Slaton, who racked up 116 yards on 18 carries and scored the team's only touchdown. (We won't talk about how he was stuffed on fourth-and-goal from the Tennessee three-yard line with about seven minutes to go.)

Matt Schaub: Mr. Schaub is like a dagger somebody stabbed deep in the heart of the Texans. Yesterday, he completed only 45.9 percent of his passes (17-for-37), got sacked three times, and threw three interceptions, the last of which got run back 99 yards for a touchdown. On the season, Schaub has thrown one touchdown versus five interceptions, and his QB Rating is 50.3 (it was 27.8 yesterday against the Titans).

Gary Kubiak: It's bad when a team sucks, and it's even worse when that team's coach is an idiot. But such is the case with the poor Texans. Kubes didn't throw the challenge flag in the second quarter on a 37-yard reception in which the Titans' Justin McCareins pretty clearly didn't get his feet inbounds. Kubiak swallowed his red flag again later on that same drive when LenDale White "scored" a one-yard touchdown in which he never crossed the goal line. Then, in the third quarter, he chose to go for it on fourth-and-four instead of kicking a sure-thing field goal. It should be noted that his team was only trailing by 12 at the time. That might have been a big three points for the Texans...but we'll never know, will we?

New Orleans Saints: Do I know my teams or do I know my teams? Go back and reread my picks for the weekend. This is what I said about the Saints-Broncos game: "I'm expecting a shootout in the first half followed by the Saints' patented second-half El Foldo." Well, check, check and double-check. All thanks to...

Martin Gramatica: Now it's time for a Scott Norwood reference. Gramatica -- who, unbelievably, was once nicknamed "Automatica" -- blew two field goals yesterday, the second of which was a 43-yarder that could have put the Saints up 35-34 with less than two minutes remaining. This seems as good a time as any to mention that Martin shares 23 chromosomes with Bill Gramatica, the kicker who tore his ACL while celebrating a field goal.

Sean Payton: He watched his quarterback throw for 421 yards while completing 81 percent of his passes (39-for-48), and yet -- with time ticking away and his team desperately needing a first down -- he called a running play on third-and-short that got stuffed harder than Tera Patrick. Thus it was necessary to pin the team's hopes on a 43-yard field goal. And, as noted, their kicker is Martin Gramatica. Not smart, coach. Not smart.

Mike Shanahan, quote machine: After barely escaping fate for the second straight week, Shanahan said: "It's nice to give up 32 points and still win the football game." Yeah, the Broncos are making a habit of that. Fortunately, next up: The Kansas City Chiefs!

Ben Roethlisberger: Sweet boogie-woogie-ing Christ. Big Ben -- who's my fantasy quarterback, by the way -- threw an interception, fumbled the ball away once, and got sacked eight times before getting knocked out of the game with a hand inury. Eight! His "performance" was good for -10 points in my fantasy league. I guess I should have started Delhomme. He only got 0.6 points, but that's still almost an 11-point swing. Ouch.

Willie Parker: This dude, who is also on my fantasy team, ran for 20 yards on 13 carries. Did I mention that my other stud RB is LaDainian "My toe is killing me" Tomlinson? Which is why I was disproportionaly happy when I picked Steve Slaton up off waivers. I hate my life.

The Steelers' offensive line: The allowed nine sacks (with backup Byron Leftwich suffering sack number nine) and gave up a safety (Roethlisberger threw the ball away in the end zone because he was surrounded and scared for his life). I'm not saying the Eagles weren't playing inspired defense, because they were...but come on, now. That line was getting spun faster than a turnstyle soaked in WD-40.

The Cleveland Browns: Last year's feel-good team is this year's feel-bad team. (Well, one of them anyway, along with Cincinnati, Detroit, Houston, Kansas City, and St. Louis.) Yes, my friends, they are who we thought they were. Derek Anderson (14-for-37, 125 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs, 5 sacks and a QB rating of 22.9) is rapidly transforming into Cade McNown. Braylon Edwards (3 receptions, 27 yards) looks less focused and more disinterested than Randy Moss did in Oakland. And Jamal Lewis (56 yards on 12 rushing attempts)...well, last season was a contract year, so what did you really expect? Brady Quinn Era, here we come.

Romeo Crennel, quote machine: After watching his team get pummeled by the Ravens, Crennel said: "I don't know whether we're trying to live off the success we had last year, but it's not working." Finally the coach makes a good call!

The Indianapolis Colts: Ah, the people of Indianapolis finally have something to take their minds off of the Colts' offensive line injuries: The team's once-again woeful run defense! The Jaguars heretofore MIA running game ran all over the Colt defenders. Fred Taylor rushed for 121 yards on 26 carries and Maurice Jones-Drew ran for another 107 yards on 19 carries. Seriously, if I hadn't watched Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams tapdance on, over and around the New England D, I would have said that the Colts run defense was the most pathetic I have ever seen. As it is, they'll have to satisfy themselves with being the second-worst I've ever seen. Oh, and the fact that their pass defense couldn't keep the Jags out of field goal range with about a minute left? That's pretty bad, too.

The Jags-Colts officiating crew: In the second quarter, Rashean Mathis intercepted a Peyton Manning pass and ran it back 61 yards for a touchdown. That's a pretty big play for a game that ends 23-21, no? It was a great play by Mathis, which was no doubt helped by the fact that he used a fistful of jersey to spin Marvin Harrison out of position before breaking in front of Harrison for the grab. It was a pretty easy call to make -- or, rather, it should have been -- but the the officials missed it.

Which brings up another subject. I think somebody should track interception stats so that we can know how many happen because the quarterback makes a bad decision or a lousy throw, and how many happen because the receiver bobbles the ball or misses a catchable pass, or because somebody interfers (as Mathis did) but doesn't get called for it, or because of a last-second Hail Mary pass, etc. Wouldn't that be interesting? I mean, let's say two QBs each have 16 interceptions on the season, but QB #1 only has five INTs that were entirely his fault while QB #2 has 11 that were his fault. That tells us something about each of those QBs, doesn't it?

My teams: I follow the Bears because I live in Chicago, the Colts because I grew up in Indiana, and the Saints because I love Drew Brees and the city of New Orleans. All three suffered heartbreaking losses. The Football Gods, they hate me. Now, futuremrsrickankiel is covering the NFC this week, but I still have to point out what I said about the Bears in our weekly picks: "I see Chicago coughing this one up in painful fashion, followed by three days worth of 'The Bears should have held on to Brian Griese' stories." Do I know my teams, or do I know my teams? (And yes, I know I blew the Colts pick, so don't bother to call me out on it. Meh.)

Labels: Ben Roethlisberger, defense, Houston Texans, Jacksonville Jaguars, Matt Cassel, Miami Dolphins, New England Patriots, New Orleans Saints, Oakland Raiders, Ronnie Brown, terrible officiating

Patriots Offense Lite. SIGH. Despite the inherent excitement involved in Matt Cassel getting his first EVER win as an NFL starter, the snooze-fest that the Patriots' offense has become made for one of the duller games this Sunday. A lone TD from Sammy Morris would contribute to giving the Pats the 19-10 win, but double coverage on Randy Moss meant The Stephen Gostkowski Show all day long at the Meadowlands. I know, I know... I got spoiled last season, and I'll certainly take the Pats win. But, like... yesterday's offense was like a freaking fat-free Twinkie. I knew it wasn't going to be as good as the original, but I still wasn't prepared for quite how crappy it was.

Brett Favre. More like "Stop Throwing The Ball So Goddamn" Favre! ZING! Bretty-poo threw his first INT for the Jets, a long toss to Chris Baker that was snatched away by top '07 Patriots draft pick Brandon Meriweather. Never fear, Jets fans: there's plenty more where that came from.

Ed Hochuli. A special tip of the WotW hat goes out to veteran NFL ref Ed Hochuli, who botched a call that may ultimately have lost the San Diego Chargers their game. With the Denver Broncos down 38-31 to the Chargers, Jay Cutler fumbled a pass. However, an over-eager Hochuli blew an errant whistle on what he thought was an incomplete pass. The replay clearly showed a fumble, but NFL rules do not allow the opposing team to gain possession on such a call. Sucks for you, San Diego! Two plays later, Cutler hit rookie Eddie Royal for a huge TD to make the score 38-37, Chargers; Royal then caught the 2-point conversion on the exact same route to give Denver the thrilling last-minute win. The Chargers are now 0-2 and desperately searching for scapegoats. Also, Mike Shanahan has enormous balls.

Hurricane Ike. The Texans' home opener against Baltimore was first pushed to today, then ultimately rescheduled for November 9 after hurricane weather tore up the roof of Reliant Stadium. But... b-b-but... I simply can't stand the suspense of waiting for two lock-for-3rd-place teams to duke it out for mediocrity! SIGH.

Derek Anderson Yoikes! Didn't think poor Horse Balls had anywhere to go but up after his dismal performance against the 'Boys last week, but my word was I wrong. Faced with his first scoring opportunity with just 2 minutes to go in the first half, Anderson fumbled the snap and the Browns were called for an illegal shift. He managed to eke out a first down at the 12, then went for the end zone with just 8 seconds left... and, much to the dismay of the Dawg Pound, promptly threw a pick right into the waiting mitts of Pittsburgh safety Troy Polamaul to end the half. Sad! With two picks and just 18 completions on 32 attempts, Anderson posted a passer rating of -- gulp -- 44.5 for the game. That'll bring his rating on the season down to a truly depressing 57.1, and will doubtless whip the Cleveland hordes into a veritable "PUT IN BRADY QUINN!" frenzy.

The Pittsburgh Steelers. Oh, sure, the Browns miffed this game big time. But, seriously, Pittsburgh: only 10 points against the freaking Browns? This is an offense that exploded for 38 points last week -- one of the most loaded offenses in the NFL -- and they looked sloppy and uninspired against a team that wasn't even trying. Apparently, Big Ben is suffering some kind of lingering shoulder pain that's affecting his play. I recommend a whopping dose of Rashard Mendenhall and rest. Oh, and Santonio Holmes: Last I checked, you were still the Steelers' top wideout. GET IT TOGETHER.

Romeo Crennel. This man just can't get it right. Crennel was loudly booed in Week 1 for kicking a field goal with the Browns down by three TDs in the fourth quarter. This week, he boldly went for the TD at the end of the first half, only to be rewarded with a Derek Anderson interception. It's a veritable Catch-22 of suckdom for Crennel at this point.

The Miami Dolphins. Yeah, this shouldn't surprise anyone, nor is this likely to be the last time you'll see these hapless aquatic mammals gracing this fine list of AFC Awfulness(TM). When you're making the Buzzsaw look like a playoffs-bound team, you've got trouble. The Dolphins' defense let older-than-dirt Kurt Warner explode for 361 freaking yards and ultimately fell 31-10 to the suddenly, miraculously 2-0 Arizona Cardinals. Meanwhile, Miami racked up sloppy penalties left and right, including one for 12 men on the field following a missed 'Zona field goal, and failed to put together any kind of cohesive offense. The Chad Pennington Futility '08 tour continued, as Pennington was unable to put together a single TD and was yanked for rookie backup Chad Henne. Henne was able to string together an 18-play, 89-yard, 3-hour-long [Ed. note: may be slightly exaggerated] scoring drive for the lone 'Fins touchdown. Yuck. But hey: they used to have Dan Marino! I guess that gives them the right to act preachy and judgmental about current teams.

JaMarcus Russell. JaMarcus, JaMarcus, JaMarcus. Your team actually WON, and you still couldn't get it together for more than 55 passing yards? Now that's just sad. Do you WANT Darren McFadden to permanently injure his back carrying this team? Your weight alone would crush an ordinary man, tubby.

Herm Edwards. The beleaguered Kansas City coach is kicking off a season 0-2 for the third consecutive year. Better start coming up with some new pithy one-liners, Herm, since it's pretty clear there's no way your team is going to win a damn thing based on talent.

Kansas City quarterbacks. With Brodie Croyle -- who's really pretty terrible -- still out following an injury sustained during last week's tilt against the Patriots, it was up to Damon Huard to lead the KC offense. However, Huard was yanked during the second series of the game after reportedly experiencing "head trauma" (I'm going to go ahead and assume that's a euphemism for "suffering massive existential crisis realizing he plays for the Chiefs") and was replaced by Marques Hagans, a -- get this -- reserve wide receiver who was just promoted off the Chiefs' practice squad Wednesday. If this were a feel-good family sports movie, Hagans would have always dreamed of playing QB in honor of his dead uncle or some crap, and he'd have passed for 4 TDs and won the Chiefs the game. Kansas City, however, is where dreams go to die. Thus, Hagans was yanked following an illegal shift penalty and two worthless runs for Tyler Thigpen... yes, the very same Tyler Thigpen who couldn't earn himself a bench spot on a team currently starting Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback. Wah-wahhh! The saddest part of all this? The Chiefs burned through 3 quarterbacks in the first half alone and still only had 65 net yards to show for it at the half. That'd make you have an existential crisis too.

Vince Young. The last week of Young's life has played out like one of those so-terrible-it's-awesome US Weekly "Britney's Wild Night!" articles: a disappearance, a descent into depression following catcalls and an injury in the previous weekend's game, a gun, reports of suicidal intent... yikes, Vince! I mean, we're ALL upset that Maui Fever isn't coming back for another season, but let's get it together, shall we? Good thing Kerry Collins was there to step in for the 24-7 win over the Bengals as rookie RB Chris Johnson rushed for 109 yards.

Carson Palmer. Poor Carson proved even more worthless than Derek Anderson this week, as he utterly failed to locate his team's running game, threw 2 picks, and pulled down a passer rating of just 47.1. Ouch! That'll put Palmer's rating at a ludicrous 37.1 on the season. I guess the overwhelming message from this weekend is that it sucks to be from Ohio.

The Jacksonville Jaguars. My GOD. The Bills are 2-0 now?

Labels: AFC, Brett Favre, Carson Palmer, Cincinnati Bengals, inept quarterbacks, Miami Dolphins, New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steelers, subtle USC homerism, terrible officiating, Worst of the Weekend