Raiders coach
Oh, yeah. He loves it in Oakland...

Buffalo over Oakland: The Bills are living in a perfect world of rainbows and butterflys and sugarplumbs any many other gay-sounding-but-wonderful things. Trent Edwards may be the primary reason for the fruity goodness: Through two games, he's completed 71 percent of his passes for 454 yards, two touchdowns, and a passer rating of 107.7. This means that -- by the numbers -- he's one of the top 10 quarterbacks in the league. Who saw that coming? Now, all that being said, the 2-0 Bills certainly aren't great by any stretch of the imagination, but they're certainly better than an a Raiders team led by JaMarcus Russell, who was 6-of-17 for 55 yards last Sunday...against the defensive sieve known as the Kansas City Chiefs.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: No way. Buffalo's got to start sucking at some point (seriously, it's in Leviticus 14:2-4, I looked it up), and I say this is the weekend for it. THE RAIDERS HAVE NO USE FOR YOUR PUNY QUARTERBACKS. THEY HAVE DARREN MCFADDEN.

New England over Miami: Seriously, does anybody think that a team that can't run (2.6 yards per carry between their best two running backs) or throw (Chad Pennington, starting quarterback...'nuff said) is going to go into Foxborough and beat the Patriots? I don't care if the Pats are starting Matt Cassel or Miley Cyrus under center, the results would still be roughly the same. Except that the New England win would probably be accompanied by a delightful and heartwarming lip-synched song.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: WOOOO GO PATRIOTS! homerhomerhomerhomerhomer

Tennessee over Houston: Matt Schaub versus Kerry Collins...this is why I love the NFL! The only bright side I see for the Texans going into this game is that they had a full two weeks off to prepare for the beating they're going to take. Hey, have I mentioned that I picked up Chris Johnson off the waiver wire in both of my fantasy leagues? Well, I did. [Grins smugly]

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Kerry Collins playing well makes me really happy -- I love seeing athletes get second chances in life, you know? Although I must admit that Collins without the binge drinking and liberal use of racial slurs is about 87% less entertaining than the next leading brand.

Denver over New Orleans: Hmm. The Saints' defense gave up 20 points to the shuffling remains of Jeff Garcia and 24 points to the previously comatose Redskins offense. Oh, and hey, now they get to go to Denver and face the Jay Cutler cyborg and a red-hot Broncos receiving corps. I'm expecting a shootout in the first half followed by the Saints' patented second-half El Foldo...particularly since their running game is MIA, their best receiver is out, and offseason acquisition Jeremy Shockey is both ineffective and a big douchebag. Quote of the week: Cutler on his pass catchers: "There's a lot of dudes running free."

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Just for this game, I'm voting we refer to him as Jay "Rock You Like A Hurricane" Cutler.

Pittsburgh over Philadelphia: I honestly believe that the Steelers are the better team, but their 10-point effort against the Browns in Week 2 makes me a little nervous. Particularly since they're playing on the road against a sizzling Eagles offense. McNabb has been playing as well as he's ever played, and Brian Westbrook should give the Steelers' 3-4 defense fits. Oh, and Big Ben's shoulder, while not separated, is sure to be hurting. Yeah, you know, my gut is telling me to pick Philly and my brain is telling me to pick Pitt. I guess this game'll prove which body part I should be listening to.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Nope. Philly will walk away with this -- but take the over, because this is going to be a very high-scoring game.

Indianapolis over Jacksonville: Ah, how quickly things can change in the NFL. This was supposed to be an early-season battle between to Super Bowl contending juggernauts. Now, with all the injuries these teams are dealing with -- particularly on the offensive lines -- it'll probably be more like a slap-fight between two old men outside a Bingo parlor. Remember how shockingly average Tom Brady looked when his line couldn't protect him in the Super Bowl? The same is going to be said for Peyton Manning until Jeff Saturday and Tony Ugoh return to the Indianapolis lineup. Oh, and the Colts' best defensive player -- 2007 NFL Defensive Player of the Year Bob Sanders -- is going to miss up to six weeks. But things are just a wee bit worse for the Jaguars, who couldn't stop or score against the Bills in a semi-critical game at home last week. Don't expect a lot of excitement, just an uninspiring Colts victory.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: The Jaguars are the new Bengals. Except that the Bengals are still the Bengals.

Baltimore over Cleveland: What can Brown do for you? Take a huge, steaming dump all over your fantasy roster. I bet you thought Derek Anderson and Braylon Edwards were second round picks, didn't you? And Jamal Lewis? Coming off a contract year?! Suckers. Ravens rule the roost on this one.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Quoth the Raven: We shall score.

San Diego over New York: I remember a few years back when I tried to teach my grandpa how to send an email. The glazed eyes, the stunning lack of comprehension...it was beyond him the way that hot chicks hooking up with douchebags is beyond me. That's how Brett Favre looks learning a new offensive system. And by "new" I mean something other than "Brett Favre does whatever the hell Brett Favre wants." The bottom line is that, at the moment, the Jets simply aren't good enough offensively or defensively to travel to San Diego and upsend an angry, desperate Chargers team that was with about 20 seconds of being 2-0 this season. My spider-sense is tingling in that "Favre is going to throw three or four picks" kinda way.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Ok. I'm one of the few people who doesn't hate Brett Favre -- truly, I do think he's an annoying, whiny attention whore, but I lovelovelove watching him play football, and I think he'll work more and more effectively with the Jets' wide receiver corps in each week this year. And yes, I'm reluctant to say that San Diego will go 0-3 to start the season, but their offense is very tepid and I'm genuinely not convinced they can beat the Jets. Ack, I don't know! Let's ask this guy:

Mike

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9 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...
Isn't Collins on at least his third chance by now?

He took the Panthers to an NFC championship game in those heady days of expansion and Dom "Not Don" Capers. Then he dropped the N-bomb on Muhsin Muhammad.

He took the Giants to a Superbowl in those heady days of Ray Lewis not witnessing any double murders. Then he set the single season fumble record.

He got the starting job for the Titans (let's just ignore any time a player spends in a Raider uniform), lost it, and has now regained it. As Norm MacDonald once said "I don't think I've gotten any funnier..."

I wish him the best, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm eagerly looking forward to the other shoe dropping.

Was more referring to his rehab and recovery from alcoholism, I guess.

Anonymous Pistonsgirl4life said...
OH MY GOD BECKY LOOK AT HER BUTT... I mean... YOU DO FOOTBALL? ALL THIS TIME BAWFUL I could have been bitching about the Lions SOMEPLACE THIS COOL?

I can't believe you never told me about this place...

Blogger Basketbawful said...
pistonsgirl4life -- Well, in all fairness, we just started the site this week. :)

Anonymous Pistonsgirl4life said...
Point conceeded. Plus lets be honest how many times can one possible type "Remember Barry Sanders? Weren't those days awesome? I wonder if Scott Mitchell has eaten a whole family of Mormons yet?"...?

Still, way cool site, amazing idea yo. As a Lion's fan I can say with absolute certainty that I KNOW the "Very Best of the Very Worst Of Professional Football" like the back of my hand or something...

Blogger Basketbawful said...
pistonsgirl4life -- That said, are you nervous/jealous that Kansas City seems determined to usurp your squad's place as Most Excrementious Team In Football?

So, like, how about those Patriots? I'm actually working on law school apps as a preferential option to watching the rest of this defensive nightmare.

Blogger David said...
HOW BOUT THEM DOLPHINS?

GHAHAHHAHAH

SUCK IT NEW ENGLAND FANS!

Anonymous Pistonsgirl4life said...
"Kansas City seems determined to usurp your squad's place as Most Excrementious Team In Football?"

You'll need to add the word "Pro" to that statement before I'll concede that title to a team that isn't the Michigan Wolverines... did you SEE what Sparty did to ND yesterday? Dear RichRod, I hope you die in a fire... welcome to Michigan yo.

Anyways as for the Cheifs/Lions comparisons... let's be honest, the Lions would TOTALLY be worse than the Chiefs if we started a practice squad WR at Quarterback... KC was worried we'd get the #1 draft choice and blow it on a QB who'll suck when they wanted to blow the #1 draft pick on a QB who'd suck (Hey Colt McCoy, COME ON DOWN!) so they're throwing the rest of the season to steal our draft pick... this is just another example of Matt Millen being behind the curve... even when it comes to sucking so bad you get to ruin the best QB in the draft's career...