Chargers over Bills: I sure do love stupid quotes. This is what Phillip Rivers had to say after his team trampled over the Patriots last week: "I think it was obviously good to play well." Well, obviously. I'm glad he cleared that up. Rivers also confirmed that it's best to look both ways before crossing the street and warned that it's a bad idea to drink bubble bath or put a plastic bag over your head.

Anyway, this pick is killing me because of -- DUM-DUM-DUUUUUM -- duelling stat curses! Stat curse #1: The Bills are 13-6 following a bye, and haven't lost after an off week since 2004. Stat curse #2: They're just 4-10 all-time against the Chargers. So what happens now? I mean, is it like a double negative in math? Do they just cancel each other out? Or does the stronger stat curse win out? Gah! I just don't know!

Well, when in doubt, I like to pick the team whose quarterback isn't coming back from a concussion. Chargers it is. But don't despair, Buffalo fans. You can still enjoy the game from your very own NFL-approved Bills Dream Seat!

You'll feel like the game is being played in your ass.
Constructed of high quality top grain leather (leatherette sides and back for ease of maintenance) with an embroidered logo sewn into the back, the Bills Dream Seat offers the patented Wallaway feature, so you only need to position your Dreamseat three feet away from the wall for it to fully recline. But that's not all! With your purchase of the Bills Dream Seat -- a bargain at only $999 -- you'll also get either the Mr. Beer Deluxe Edition Beer Kit for $9.99 or Mr. Beer Premium Edition Beer Kit for $19.99. The choice is yours!

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Defense: some teams have it, some teams don't. The Chargers, for example, do not; the Bills do. And, as prolific as this San Diego offense is, I don't see them outlasting the Bills in this one.

Steelers over Bungles: Let me state up front that I hate picking against winless teams. I mean, on the one hand, there's a perfectly good reason that they're winless: They suck. So a really bad team should always lose to a really good team, right? Ah, but it's never quite that simple. Just ask the Broncos, who got handled by then-winless Kansas City in Week 4, or the Redskins, who got upended on Sunday by the previously 0-fer Rams. The Brown Stains weren't winless, but it sure felt like they were...and they dropped a Macho Man-esque atomic elbow on the no-longer-undefeated Giants last Monday night. I'm just saying that the Law of Truly Large Numbers says that, at some point, even a team as woefully inept as the Bungles are going to win a game. That, my friends, is...


On the other hand, the Steelers have a kick-you-square-in-the-nuts defense -- they're second in points per game (15.8) and yards per game (231.6), and they're tied for second in sacks (18.0) -- and they're finally getting everybody healthy (except for running limping back Willie Parker, who aggravated his sprained left knee by stepping in a freaking hole during practice). With Ryan Fitzpatrick starting under center -- and probably preparing to be savagely beaten into something squishy and unrecognizable -- it's hard to imagine the Bungles pulling off the upset. Unless there are a lot more holes, deep ones, for the Steelers to step in on their way to Paul Brown Stadium.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: While I share your reluctance to pick against a winless team, I feel no such reluctance in picking against Ryan Fitzpatrick. Also: LIMAS SWEED BABY WOOOOO!

Jets over Raiders: If you're planning to watch this game live, I suggest you either mute the volume or be prepared for the possibility of uncontrolled vomiting as the Brett Favre Drama Train comes choo-chooing into the station. Wait, what's that? You've forgotten what happened the last time Favre played against Oakland?

[Insert dramatic music here]

One day after his father, Irvin, died of a heart attack, Favre bravely played a football game in front of a national television audience on Monday night. His heart was heavy but his arm was light as he led Green Bay to a 41-7 victory on an evening that would have been as cold as fate itself had the game not been played in Oakland. Though he was in a daze brought on by memories of his father and a silent rehearsal of the post-game quotes his agent had written for him, Favre went 22-of-30 for 399 yards and four touchdowns in that contest that ultimately helped propel the Packers to the NFC North title. Which, as it turns out, was laughingly futile because Green Bay's defense couldn't stop the Eagles on fourth-and-26 in the fourth quarter of their NFC divisional playoff game.

Anyway, like I said, mute the game or...



futuremrsrickankiel sez: On the one hand, Brett Favre appears to be living the dream as he defies all those who doubted him and puts up game after game of killer offense. On the other hand, Oakland is where dreams go to die. Still, I like the Jets.

Titans over Chiefs: Kansas City already got their "banana peel" game out of the way against the Broncos. I don't see it happening again, not against the Titans, not with Larry Johnson out. Speaking of which, LJ was suspended for one game "for an undisclosed violation of team rules." Coach Herm Edwards says this has nothing to do with his latest (of three) charge of assaulting a woman. So he did something worse than beating up a woman? What did he do, skin Herm's kitten alive and eat it?

futuremrsrickankiel sez: The Chiefs trying to play without Larry Johnson is like trying to make guacamole without avocados. It's just a bunch of shit in a bowl. Titans by 800,000.

Colts over Packers: This just in: The Colts-Packers game will be played at the center of the earth! This controversial decision was made out of necessity, since the weight of the drama surrounding these teams' quarterbacks was going to sink Lambeau Field right down to our planet's molten core anyway. Peyton Manning kept a minor surgical procedure secret! Aaron Rodgers has a sore shoulder! OH THE HUMANITY!!


Give it a rest, media. Call me back when something really awful happens, like a partly cloudy day in Hawaii. More meaningless stats: Green Bay's pass defense is holding quarterbacks to a 62.3 passer rating (third-lowest in the league) and 178.8 yards per game (which is seventh-best in the NFL). But before you do something stupid like bench Peyton Manning for Jason Campbell, keep in mind that the murderer's row of QBs the Packers have faced includes Tavaris Jackson, John Kitna, Brian Griese, Matt Ryan and Charlie Frye. It's called context, people.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Ever heard two old people sit around and try and one-up each other with various maladies and physical ailments? "Well, with my back acting up the way it is..." "You're lucky you still have your hearing, though..." "At least you still have both your hips, I remember back when I had my hip out in '83..." "That's nothing, didn't I tell you my doctor thinks I might have to have my face amputated?" That's kind of what this quarterback matchup is like. The difference-maker: Peyton Manning is Peyton Manning, and Aaron Rodgers is a numb-nuts first-year starter who's let the thick layer of football-related hyperbole that hovers in the Green Bay air like smog over the Hollywood Hills permeate his little brain. Colts win.

Dolphins over Ravens: Baltimore coach John Harbaugh riled up the Miami players by defending buddy Cam Cameron's 1-15 performance as the 'Fins coach last season. Said Harbaugh: "He was an effective coach in Miami last year. Even though the results weren't what people were hoping for, he did a great job there with what he had to work with." Say whaaaaaaat?! Uh, look, John. Going 1-15 can't seriously be called a "great job" even if all he had to work with was some string, an old tin can and Martin Gramatica. But bravo on insulting all those worthless players who were, you know, the crap you're saying Cameron had to work with. Why not just paint a target on Joe Flacco's chest? Or maybe fill your team's jock straps with bullet ants? I mean, there are so many other great ways to sabotage your team!

Anyway, until proven otherwise, I'm instituting a "Don't bet on Joe Flacco on the road" rule for the rest of the season. And besides, last week's loss to the then-winless Texans has actually made Dolphins coach Tony Sparano more confident. "The fact that we've won some ballgames and won some ballgames after we lost a few ballgames, I think gives us some confidence to understand that we can do this." So...to win, all your team has to do...is lose. Brilliant!



futuremrsrickankiel sez: I don't need your rules! You're not even my real mommy! Ravens win!

Patriots over Broncos: Man, last week's 30-10 ego-ectomy spawned a flurry of "This proves Tom Brady is the NFL MVP!" stories across the country, which strikes me as a little history rewrite-y. I mean, it's not like a Tom Brady-led team hasn't been bitchslapped before. Seriously. It's happened. Against the Chargers even. And during championship seasons. Besides, this isn't simply a case of going from an MVP-caliber QB to a standard backup. Matt Cassel hadn't started since high school. It was sort of like the Patriots didn't even have a backup. And while I know it's a popular notion to blame Cassel's inadequacies for all the woes in New England, that sort of ignores the team's defensive shortcomings, the offensive line deficiencies, the lack of a running game, and the fact that Randy Moss couldn't look less enthused if Bill Belichick was making him read Jane Eyre between plays. So, you know, it's not as simple as "Patriots Blowout = Dramatic Conclusion About Tom Brady." That, my friends, is...


Anyway, this game boils down to a classic case of a resistable force (the Pats) meeting a moveable object (the Broncos). And we've all talked about how puke-tacular their defense has been, but what about the "explosive" offense? Denver hasn't scored 20+ points since Week 3. They've scored 19, 16 and 17 points in their last three games, the last two of which were at home. Well, the Broncos ain't at home this week. And it's damn tough to win in New England.

Bonus douchbaggery: Jay Cutler calls out Phillip Rivers and insults John Elway's throwin' arm. Huh. I didn't realize that Jay's diabetes medication included a dose of megalomania.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: There is one reason, and one reason only, that the Patriots will win this game: this is my first Patriots game I'm ever attending. (Please bear in mind that the Patriots won their first Superbowl when I was 17, and thus tickets have been unattainable for my entire adult life... 4 years of which I spent in New Jersey for college.) So, like, they have to win. End of story.

Last week's record: 8-6

Season record: 37-21

Labels: Aaron Rodgers, AFC picks, Brett Favre, Jay Cutler, Joe Flacco, Peyton Manning, science, too much drama

Patriots Offense Lite. SIGH. Despite the inherent excitement involved in Matt Cassel getting his first EVER win as an NFL starter, the snooze-fest that the Patriots' offense has become made for one of the duller games this Sunday. A lone TD from Sammy Morris would contribute to giving the Pats the 19-10 win, but double coverage on Randy Moss meant The Stephen Gostkowski Show all day long at the Meadowlands. I know, I know... I got spoiled last season, and I'll certainly take the Pats win. But, like... yesterday's offense was like a freaking fat-free Twinkie. I knew it wasn't going to be as good as the original, but I still wasn't prepared for quite how crappy it was.

Brett Favre. More like "Stop Throwing The Ball So Goddamn" Favre! ZING! Bretty-poo threw his first INT for the Jets, a long toss to Chris Baker that was snatched away by top '07 Patriots draft pick Brandon Meriweather. Never fear, Jets fans: there's plenty more where that came from.

Ed Hochuli. A special tip of the WotW hat goes out to veteran NFL ref Ed Hochuli, who botched a call that may ultimately have lost the San Diego Chargers their game. With the Denver Broncos down 38-31 to the Chargers, Jay Cutler fumbled a pass. However, an over-eager Hochuli blew an errant whistle on what he thought was an incomplete pass. The replay clearly showed a fumble, but NFL rules do not allow the opposing team to gain possession on such a call. Sucks for you, San Diego! Two plays later, Cutler hit rookie Eddie Royal for a huge TD to make the score 38-37, Chargers; Royal then caught the 2-point conversion on the exact same route to give Denver the thrilling last-minute win. The Chargers are now 0-2 and desperately searching for scapegoats. Also, Mike Shanahan has enormous balls.

Hurricane Ike. The Texans' home opener against Baltimore was first pushed to today, then ultimately rescheduled for November 9 after hurricane weather tore up the roof of Reliant Stadium. But... b-b-but... I simply can't stand the suspense of waiting for two lock-for-3rd-place teams to duke it out for mediocrity! SIGH.

Derek Anderson Yoikes! Didn't think poor Horse Balls had anywhere to go but up after his dismal performance against the 'Boys last week, but my word was I wrong. Faced with his first scoring opportunity with just 2 minutes to go in the first half, Anderson fumbled the snap and the Browns were called for an illegal shift. He managed to eke out a first down at the 12, then went for the end zone with just 8 seconds left... and, much to the dismay of the Dawg Pound, promptly threw a pick right into the waiting mitts of Pittsburgh safety Troy Polamaul to end the half. Sad! With two picks and just 18 completions on 32 attempts, Anderson posted a passer rating of -- gulp -- 44.5 for the game. That'll bring his rating on the season down to a truly depressing 57.1, and will doubtless whip the Cleveland hordes into a veritable "PUT IN BRADY QUINN!" frenzy.

The Pittsburgh Steelers. Oh, sure, the Browns miffed this game big time. But, seriously, Pittsburgh: only 10 points against the freaking Browns? This is an offense that exploded for 38 points last week -- one of the most loaded offenses in the NFL -- and they looked sloppy and uninspired against a team that wasn't even trying. Apparently, Big Ben is suffering some kind of lingering shoulder pain that's affecting his play. I recommend a whopping dose of Rashard Mendenhall and rest. Oh, and Santonio Holmes: Last I checked, you were still the Steelers' top wideout. GET IT TOGETHER.

Romeo Crennel. This man just can't get it right. Crennel was loudly booed in Week 1 for kicking a field goal with the Browns down by three TDs in the fourth quarter. This week, he boldly went for the TD at the end of the first half, only to be rewarded with a Derek Anderson interception. It's a veritable Catch-22 of suckdom for Crennel at this point.

The Miami Dolphins. Yeah, this shouldn't surprise anyone, nor is this likely to be the last time you'll see these hapless aquatic mammals gracing this fine list of AFC Awfulness(TM). When you're making the Buzzsaw look like a playoffs-bound team, you've got trouble. The Dolphins' defense let older-than-dirt Kurt Warner explode for 361 freaking yards and ultimately fell 31-10 to the suddenly, miraculously 2-0 Arizona Cardinals. Meanwhile, Miami racked up sloppy penalties left and right, including one for 12 men on the field following a missed 'Zona field goal, and failed to put together any kind of cohesive offense. The Chad Pennington Futility '08 tour continued, as Pennington was unable to put together a single TD and was yanked for rookie backup Chad Henne. Henne was able to string together an 18-play, 89-yard, 3-hour-long [Ed. note: may be slightly exaggerated] scoring drive for the lone 'Fins touchdown. Yuck. But hey: they used to have Dan Marino! I guess that gives them the right to act preachy and judgmental about current teams.

JaMarcus Russell. JaMarcus, JaMarcus, JaMarcus. Your team actually WON, and you still couldn't get it together for more than 55 passing yards? Now that's just sad. Do you WANT Darren McFadden to permanently injure his back carrying this team? Your weight alone would crush an ordinary man, tubby.

Herm Edwards. The beleaguered Kansas City coach is kicking off a season 0-2 for the third consecutive year. Better start coming up with some new pithy one-liners, Herm, since it's pretty clear there's no way your team is going to win a damn thing based on talent.

Kansas City quarterbacks. With Brodie Croyle -- who's really pretty terrible -- still out following an injury sustained during last week's tilt against the Patriots, it was up to Damon Huard to lead the KC offense. However, Huard was yanked during the second series of the game after reportedly experiencing "head trauma" (I'm going to go ahead and assume that's a euphemism for "suffering massive existential crisis realizing he plays for the Chiefs") and was replaced by Marques Hagans, a -- get this -- reserve wide receiver who was just promoted off the Chiefs' practice squad Wednesday. If this were a feel-good family sports movie, Hagans would have always dreamed of playing QB in honor of his dead uncle or some crap, and he'd have passed for 4 TDs and won the Chiefs the game. Kansas City, however, is where dreams go to die. Thus, Hagans was yanked following an illegal shift penalty and two worthless runs for Tyler Thigpen... yes, the very same Tyler Thigpen who couldn't earn himself a bench spot on a team currently starting Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback. Wah-wahhh! The saddest part of all this? The Chiefs burned through 3 quarterbacks in the first half alone and still only had 65 net yards to show for it at the half. That'd make you have an existential crisis too.

Vince Young. The last week of Young's life has played out like one of those so-terrible-it's-awesome US Weekly "Britney's Wild Night!" articles: a disappearance, a descent into depression following catcalls and an injury in the previous weekend's game, a gun, reports of suicidal intent... yikes, Vince! I mean, we're ALL upset that Maui Fever isn't coming back for another season, but let's get it together, shall we? Good thing Kerry Collins was there to step in for the 24-7 win over the Bengals as rookie RB Chris Johnson rushed for 109 yards.

Carson Palmer. Poor Carson proved even more worthless than Derek Anderson this week, as he utterly failed to locate his team's running game, threw 2 picks, and pulled down a passer rating of just 47.1. Ouch! That'll put Palmer's rating at a ludicrous 37.1 on the season. I guess the overwhelming message from this weekend is that it sucks to be from Ohio.

The Jacksonville Jaguars. My GOD. The Bills are 2-0 now?

Labels: AFC, Brett Favre, Carson Palmer, Cincinnati Bengals, inept quarterbacks, Miami Dolphins, New England Patriots, Pittsburgh Steelers, subtle USC homerism, terrible officiating, Worst of the Weekend