Patriots Offense Lite. SIGH. Despite the inherent excitement involved in Matt Cassel getting his first EVER win as an NFL starter, the snooze-fest that the Patriots' offense has become made for one of the duller games this Sunday. A lone TD from Sammy Morris would contribute to giving the Pats the 19-10 win, but double coverage on Randy Moss meant The Stephen Gostkowski Show all day long at the Meadowlands. I know, I know... I got spoiled last season, and I'll certainly take the Pats win. But, like... yesterday's offense was like a freaking fat-free Twinkie. I knew it wasn't going to be as good as the original, but I still wasn't prepared for quite how crappy it was.

Brett Favre. More like "Stop Throwing The Ball So Goddamn" Favre! ZING! Bretty-poo threw his first INT for the Jets, a long toss to Chris Baker that was snatched away by top '07 Patriots draft pick Brandon Meriweather. Never fear, Jets fans: there's plenty more where that came from.

Ed Hochuli. A special tip of the WotW hat goes out to veteran NFL ref Ed Hochuli, who botched a call that may ultimately have lost the San Diego Chargers their game. With the Denver Broncos down 38-31 to the Chargers, Jay Cutler fumbled a pass. However, an over-eager Hochuli blew an errant whistle on what he thought was an incomplete pass. The replay clearly showed a fumble, but NFL rules do not allow the opposing team to gain possession on such a call. Sucks for you, San Diego! Two plays later, Cutler hit rookie Eddie Royal for a huge TD to make the score 38-37, Chargers; Royal then caught the 2-point conversion on the exact same route to give Denver the thrilling last-minute win. The Chargers are now 0-2 and desperately searching for scapegoats. Also, Mike Shanahan has enormous balls.

Hurricane Ike. The Texans' home opener against Baltimore was first pushed to today, then ultimately rescheduled for November 9 after hurricane weather tore up the roof of Reliant Stadium. But... b-b-but... I simply can't stand the suspense of waiting for two lock-for-3rd-place teams to duke it out for mediocrity! SIGH.

Derek Anderson Yoikes! Didn't think poor Horse Balls had anywhere to go but up after his dismal performance against the 'Boys last week, but my word was I wrong. Faced with his first scoring opportunity with just 2 minutes to go in the first half, Anderson fumbled the snap and the Browns were called for an illegal shift. He managed to eke out a first down at the 12, then went for the end zone with just 8 seconds left... and, much to the dismay of the Dawg Pound, promptly threw a pick right into the waiting mitts of Pittsburgh safety Troy Polamaul to end the half. Sad! With two picks and just 18 completions on 32 attempts, Anderson posted a passer rating of -- gulp -- 44.5 for the game. That'll bring his rating on the season down to a truly depressing 57.1, and will doubtless whip the Cleveland hordes into a veritable "PUT IN BRADY QUINN!" frenzy.

The Pittsburgh Steelers. Oh, sure, the Browns miffed this game big time. But, seriously, Pittsburgh: only 10 points against the freaking Browns? This is an offense that exploded for 38 points last week -- one of the most loaded offenses in the NFL -- and they looked sloppy and uninspired against a team that wasn't even trying. Apparently, Big Ben is suffering some kind of lingering shoulder pain that's affecting his play. I recommend a whopping dose of Rashard Mendenhall and rest. Oh, and Santonio Holmes: Last I checked, you were still the Steelers' top wideout. GET IT TOGETHER.

Romeo Crennel. This man just can't get it right. Crennel was loudly booed in Week 1 for kicking a field goal with the Browns down by three TDs in the fourth quarter. This week, he boldly went for the TD at the end of the first half, only to be rewarded with a Derek Anderson interception. It's a veritable Catch-22 of suckdom for Crennel at this point.

The Miami Dolphins. Yeah, this shouldn't surprise anyone, nor is this likely to be the last time you'll see these hapless aquatic mammals gracing this fine list of AFC Awfulness(TM). When you're making the Buzzsaw look like a playoffs-bound team, you've got trouble. The Dolphins' defense let older-than-dirt Kurt Warner explode for 361 freaking yards and ultimately fell 31-10 to the suddenly, miraculously 2-0 Arizona Cardinals. Meanwhile, Miami racked up sloppy penalties left and right, including one for 12 men on the field following a missed 'Zona field goal, and failed to put together any kind of cohesive offense. The Chad Pennington Futility '08 tour continued, as Pennington was unable to put together a single TD and was yanked for rookie backup Chad Henne. Henne was able to string together an 18-play, 89-yard, 3-hour-long [Ed. note: may be slightly exaggerated] scoring drive for the lone 'Fins touchdown. Yuck. But hey: they used to have Dan Marino! I guess that gives them the right to act preachy and judgmental about current teams.

JaMarcus Russell. JaMarcus, JaMarcus, JaMarcus. Your team actually WON, and you still couldn't get it together for more than 55 passing yards? Now that's just sad. Do you WANT Darren McFadden to permanently injure his back carrying this team? Your weight alone would crush an ordinary man, tubby.

Herm Edwards. The beleaguered Kansas City coach is kicking off a season 0-2 for the third consecutive year. Better start coming up with some new pithy one-liners, Herm, since it's pretty clear there's no way your team is going to win a damn thing based on talent.

Kansas City quarterbacks. With Brodie Croyle -- who's really pretty terrible -- still out following an injury sustained during last week's tilt against the Patriots, it was up to Damon Huard to lead the KC offense. However, Huard was yanked during the second series of the game after reportedly experiencing "head trauma" (I'm going to go ahead and assume that's a euphemism for "suffering massive existential crisis realizing he plays for the Chiefs") and was replaced by Marques Hagans, a -- get this -- reserve wide receiver who was just promoted off the Chiefs' practice squad Wednesday. If this were a feel-good family sports movie, Hagans would have always dreamed of playing QB in honor of his dead uncle or some crap, and he'd have passed for 4 TDs and won the Chiefs the game. Kansas City, however, is where dreams go to die. Thus, Hagans was yanked following an illegal shift penalty and two worthless runs for Tyler Thigpen... yes, the very same Tyler Thigpen who couldn't earn himself a bench spot on a team currently starting Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback. Wah-wahhh! The saddest part of all this? The Chiefs burned through 3 quarterbacks in the first half alone and still only had 65 net yards to show for it at the half. That'd make you have an existential crisis too.

Vince Young. The last week of Young's life has played out like one of those so-terrible-it's-awesome US Weekly "Britney's Wild Night!" articles: a disappearance, a descent into depression following catcalls and an injury in the previous weekend's game, a gun, reports of suicidal intent... yikes, Vince! I mean, we're ALL upset that Maui Fever isn't coming back for another season, but let's get it together, shall we? Good thing Kerry Collins was there to step in for the 24-7 win over the Bengals as rookie RB Chris Johnson rushed for 109 yards.

Carson Palmer. Poor Carson proved even more worthless than Derek Anderson this week, as he utterly failed to locate his team's running game, threw 2 picks, and pulled down a passer rating of just 47.1. Ouch! That'll put Palmer's rating at a ludicrous 37.1 on the season. I guess the overwhelming message from this weekend is that it sucks to be from Ohio.

The Jacksonville Jaguars. My GOD. The Bills are 2-0 now?

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Blogger Zach Martin said...
Sooo, you're here now. I just thought know, maybe we could give it another try. You, me and some of the other commenters back at MH. Remember that time we were all real racist and HMLS laughed so hard milk came out of his nose. That was really funny, wasn't it? Oh. Yeah. But...ok, I'll miss you. Good luck, I guess. I hope the best, I will always love you...

Blogger DDC said...
Damn, how big is Romeo Crennel's head? That thing looks like it should have moons orbiting it or something.