Packers fans heart math and Aaron Rodgers!
Update! That dork in the upper left of the picture: From Pistonsgirl4life:

Check out the guy on the extreme left in the cheesehead photo at the top of this article. WTF is that guy doing? I figure because he's a packers fan and therefore likely from Wisconsin (where Embarrass is a REAL place folks). I have two good bets:

A) He was trying to pick his nose, and missed. Seriously, you can't expect too much hand eye co-ordination out of a man who's eaten fried cheese for lunch every day for the past 20 years.

B) He saw the camera man and decided to slyly shoot him the finger...only to fail miserably and accidentally hold up the wrong one ala Richard Pryor in Moving. Again you can't expect "quick thinking" from a Packer's fan.

Ralph Wilson Stadium: Power was out for most of the first half of the Chargers-Bills game after three helium balloons became entangled in power lines across the street. Yes, you read that correctly: Three helium balloons cut the power to an entire professional sports arena. Thank the gods there weren't, like, four balloons. The place might have blown up or something. I sure hope the terrorists don't hear about our vulnerability to inflatable novelties. Bills owner Ralph Wilson, the megalomaniac who named the stadium after himself, said: "Some guy with a beer said, 'Why don't you pay your electricity bills?' I said, 'I knew it would be my fault.'" Ha, ha. That's one funny gazillionaire. Anyway, I hope they were, like, some kind of mutant, gamma-irradiated balloons at least. That would be kind of cool.

"Hulk Balloon smash stupid power lines!"
The San Diego Chargers: At some point, you can't really call it a "slow start" anymore, guys. At some point, it's time to concede to the reality of the situation: You aren't a very good team. Not on offense. Not on defense. To wit:

Don't let that 103.8 quarterback rating fool you. Phillip Rivers cost the Chargers the game by losing two fumbles and throwing an interception in the end zone, thus nullifying a potential go-ahead score with 3:17 left. Not that the team's All-Everything running back did much to help out: LT rushed for only 41 yards on 14 tries. That's an average of 2.9 yards per attempt, which would be great...for Cedric Benson (more on him later). Wide reciever Vincent Jackson almost surpassed Tomlinson's rushing totals in one attempt. Antonio Gates had a ho-hum four receptions for 55 yards.

San Diego's defense was alternately torched by the previously concussed Trent Edwards (25-for-30, 261 yards, 1 TD, no sacks, no interceptions), Lee Evans (8 receptions, 89 yards, 1 TD) and Marshawn Lynch (19 carries, 70 yards, 1 TD). FAIL.

Mind you, this dismal performance occurred a mere one week after their "comeback" game against the Patriots. I should probably also point out that the Bills held the Chargers -- who were leading the league in scoring -- to only 14 points. Maybe those Buffalo guys are, like, for real or something...

The Indianapolis Colts: At some point, you can't really call it a "slow start" anymore, guys. At some point, it's time to concede to the reality of the situation: You aren't a very good team. Not on offense. Not on defense. To wit:

Petyon Manning's line: 21-for-42, 229 yards, no TDs, 2 INTs and a QB rating (46.6) that would make Rex Grossman wince. Oh, and those interceptions? Both of them were returned for touchdowns. Damn, Peyton. If you're so determined to sabotage your team, couldn't you do it in a funny way, like covering the locker room floor with banana peels or replacing everybody's uniform with a disco outfit? Anyway, Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison were barely visible (a combined 4 receptions for 35 yards and no TDs). And what Dominic Rhodes' final numbers (73 yards, 2 TDs) were padded by a last-minute garbage touchdown.

Indy's defense was alternately torched by the injured Aaron Rodgers (21-for-28, 186 yards, 1 TD and a QB rating of 104.2) and the previously MIA Ryan Grant (105 yards, 1 TD). Man, the Colts are like a defibrillator for flatlining RBs. FAIL.

Mind you, this dismal performance occurred a mere one week after their "comeback" game against the Ravens. And hey, those Packers might be for real too! But not really.

The Bengals: Until they show me something better than what they've shown so far this season, I refuse to refer to them by their full team name. The city of Cincinnati deserves better than that. I'm not sure they're even trying anymore. The Bungles had a 15-yard punt, let their QB get sacked seven times, passively watched Pittsburgh's "in case of emergency only" RB Mewelde Moore rush for 120 yards and 2 TDs, and failed to get a single pinky finger on Ben Roethlisberger ...despite the fact that he's hiding behind an offensive line cut down by injuries. And man, coach Marvin Lewis is pissed. "I'm angry. That's not good. That's not what professional football is all about. We didn't protect the quarterback, and when you do that, you're going to have a hard time getting the ball up and down the field." Forget getting the ball up and down the field. I'm surprised that the Bungles can even feed and clothe themselves without government-sponsored handlers. And I sure wouldn't let them walk down a gravel driveway without knee pads and a crash helmet. GOOD GOD THIS TEAM IS BAD. I'm talking "bag full of smelly butt holes" bad.

The Pittsburgh Steelers: Um, why exactly did the Steelers decide to throw a 16-yard touchdown pass to Hines Ward with less than two minutes left and a 21-point lead? Look, I've got Ward on my fantasy team and was kind of grateful for the garbage points, but haven't the Bungles been humiliated enough? Was it really necessary to rub it in? I guess sportsmanship is for sissies. Speaking of which...

Troy Polamalu: Astute observers may have noticed that Mr. Two-hand Touch was gabbing on his cell phone on the bench late in the game. Nice, huh? But it's even better than that. Know why he was on the sidelines? Mr. "It's becoming more and more flag football" was run the hell over and lost his helmet while trying to tackle Cedric Benson. Yes, that Cedric Benson. Now there's talk about how Polamalu might have suffered a concussion on that play. Aw, whatsamatter, Troy? Sport getting to rough for you? Don't worry. I know just what you need.


Cleveland Browns versus the Washington Redskins: This game made me briefly hate having the NFL package. Loved that scoreless first half. And the 14-for-37 throwing performance by Derek Anderson. But but I really, really loved was the cheese and whine party thrown by...

Kellen Winslow: The truth is out there: Winslow was hospitalized with a staph infection last week. also said he "felt like a piece of meat" and was disappointed general manager Phil Savage didn't check on him when he was in the hospital. Said Winslow: "I heard from Romeo Crennel and I heard from my position coach (Alfredo Roberts) when I was in the Clinic. I heard from my teammates. But I never heard from the main man -- Phil Savage -- and that really disappoints me. Sometimes I don't even feel a part of this team. I'm just frustrated with a lot of things. I feel it's been going on for a while. I don't get treated right and it's not fair. Sometimes I just feel under-appreciated. I felt it was time to say something." Well, this certainly sounds more serious than Troy Polamalu's itchy condition. We'd better go ahead and call...


I mean, wow. So hearing from his head coach, position coach and all his teammates wasn't enough to make him feel cared for? Really? Let's apply a little Real World Logic (TM) to this situation. Let's assume I was hospitalized with inflamed testicles or whatever. Let's further assume that my boss, my immediate supervisor and all my co-workers called or contacted me in some way...but my company's CEO did not. Now what would you think if I started bitching and moaning about it? Would you think that was normal, or that I was a little Cuckoo for Coco Puffs? Think about your answer. You will be judged by it.

The Cleveland Browns health riskiness: Hey, wait a tick...Winslow is the sixth player within the last couple of seasons on the Browns roster to have a staph infection? How in the name of almighty Odin does that even happen? Don't they, like, clean and sterilize and stuff? It makes you wonder why the Browns were so insistent on mumming the word on Winslow's ailment. Were they protecting his privacy...or covering their asses? I'm sure you can guess what Kellen thinks. "They didn't even want me going to the Cleveland Browns' facility because they didn't want me to get re-infected. Something is wrong up there. It needs to be fixed. Nobody knew that I had staph on the team because the Browns didn't want it to get out. But it's my teammates' right to know what's going on at the facility to protect them. Their safety is at risk, too, and I didn't agree with the Cleveland Browns, because they are protecting the organization and not the players." So, let's see, not only do these men have to play for the Browns, they also face the constant danger of contracting a lethal staph infection?! SWEET! Sign me up for some of that!

The Chief's run defense: Surrendering 150 rushing yards to a running back is pretty bad. But giving up 150 yards to two different running backs in the same game? That's what KC did yesterday: Chris Johnson ran for 168 and a TD, and LenDale White rushed for 149 and 3 TDs. Between them, they averaged just a neeknoid over nine yards per carry. Well, now they sort of know what those guys who do the "Running of the Bulls" feel like.

These guys would be perfect for Kansas City's D-line...

Update! Tyler Thigpen, quote machine: This one's from Footbawful reader Steve: "Chiefs (starting?) QB Tyler Thigpen is not much of a quote machine, but I thought this one pretty much says all you need to know about the Chiefs: 'We didn't get shut out again, so that was really nice.'" Wow, Tyler. GO TEAM GO!

The Wildcat formation: Hm, let's take a look at the stat sheet for that Ravens-Dolphins game. Ronnie Brown had 27 on 13 rushing attempts. Ricky Williams had 16 yards on 4 carries. Holy cow! Chad Pennington and his noodle legs outperformed them both: Penny had 25 yards on only four carries. But...but what about that Wildcat formation, which was, like, better than sliced bread and quark particles? Baltimore blitzed to contain it, and the Mildcat offense netted only 4 yards in five plays. Well, whatta ya know? Looks like the NFL has caught up with the Dolphins and their gimmick offense. Sorry, guys. It was fun for a few weeks.

Miami's defense: Hey, to be fair, I can't lay all the blame on the Mildcat formation. This "Top 10" defense the Dolphins entered the game with got vivisected by Joe Flacco (17-for-23, 232 yards, 1 TD and a QB rating of 120.2) and Willis "I like big butts" McGahee (105 yards on 19 attempts and 1 TD). That's what we call the "Bend then break" defense. Oh, and hey, Baltimore's offensive coordinator is Cam Cameron. Wah-wah-waaaaaaaah.

Brett Favre: Yesterday was one of the days when the Packers definitely didn't miss Brett, who was only 21-for-38 for zero TDs, 2 INTs and a QB rating of 47.8 in what can only be described as a Kitnaesque performance. And, natch, the Jets sort of lost because of it. To Oakland. Not that the Raiders didn't try to give the game away...

Icing the kicker: Memo to NFL coaches -- it doesn't work, dumbasses. Jay Feely bonked a field goal that would have given the Raiders a 13-10 win as time expired...only Oakland had called timeout. So, in essence, they gave Feely a practice kick. And that practice made perfect, because he nailed his "second" attempt. Said Feely: "I heard the whistle before I started, which is an advantage to the kicker. If you're going to do that, do that before he kicks. I can kick it down the middle, see what the wind does and adjust. It helps the kicker tremendously." Clearly Feely has an advanced degree from Duh! University. Which is more than I can say for most of the league's coaches.

Labels: AFC, Worst of the Weekend