The Oakland offense. I move that, until they merit otherwise, these "Raiders" have their name changed to "The People Who Come Into Your House When It's Raining And Don't Take Off Their Shoes So They Get Wet Leaves Everywhere." Because honestly? Nothing this offense is doing in any way aligns with notions of "raiding" or "plundering" or anything even remotely badass like that. Vaguely irritating and kind of inconsiderate, sure, but not "raiding." On that note, let's observe that TPWCIYHWIRADTOTSSTGWLE managed just 35 yards gained in the first half of this game. Like, 1/3 of the distance down the field. Total. It's frankly pretty amazing that this team managed to put up any points at all in their 29-10 loss to the Ravens, especially when you consider that they also managed just 47 total rushing yards. Seriously, Justin Fargas? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? Do you have a knitting circle that's really fulfilling? Are you taking yoga? Have you been pursuing the delicate art of sushi-making? Because hand of God, son: you ain't no football player.

The Oakland defense. "We just got our tails whipped at the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball," sighed Tom Cable following the game. Indeed. Not only did they let the ordinarily tepid Baltimore offense nom up 375 yards for 29 points, but they got made to look foolish with a series of trick plays straight out of Generic Movie About a Ragtag Team of Lovable Misfits Who Win Big. The Ravens ran a modified single-wing offense with Troy Smith taking the snaps and rushing for 13 yards while Joe Flacco (fresh from the eyebrow waxer, from the looks of it) lined up as a wide receiver and wound up scoring a TD on a 12-yard run in the 4th quarter. I guess that means Oakland was playing the part of "Undefeated Team of Bullies Who Inevitably Fall to the Lovable Misfits." Hardly seems fair, really, given how bad Oakland is. They should really give their agent a call.

JaMarcus Russell. More like JaMightwannaconsideranothercareerpath. ZING! Russell kicked off the game for the Ravens by getting sacked in the end zone for a safety, then turned in a 15-for-33 performance with 1 interception for a 66.1 passer rating on the day. "You have to grow up fast and I think, with certain situations, you become better," he mused following the game. Just what kind of situations are you waiting for, JaMarcus? Is "one of just 16 games in a league where every game could make the difference in getting a playoffs berth" not enough for you?

Tom Cable, quote machine. Cable followed up the aforementioned "we just got our tails whipped" comment by asserting, "There's really no other way to put it." That sounds like a challenge to me, buster! How about your pick of the following:

We just got our asses thrashed repeatedly by a mob of men in purple spandex and a very fat running back.
We just played a first half so embarrassing that the football gods themselves wept.
We just lost yet another game while our batshit crazy owner went crossbow hunting at an elementary school picnic.
We just plain suck.

The Buffalo Bills bubble. Boooo! I should be more grateful for this loss, I suppose, since it allowed my Patriots to bumble their way back into first place in the AFC East. I was just starting to warm up to the Bills, though, and then they had to go and do a stupid thing like lose to the Chad Pennington Show. Really, this was a very close game in many ways: near-even possession time, 339 yards for Buffalo to Miami's 358... the difference-maker was that Buffalo coughed up 4 turnovers in the 4th quarter (an interception, 2 fumbles, even a botched punt). It's one thing to go down in a glorious blaze of bawful, like Oakland... but it's another to simply sputter and die out at the hands of Joey Porter. Actually, though, those both sound pretty awful.

Marc Bulger. The sad thing about this is that Bulger actually put up excellent numbers. 18-for-34 with 301 yards, including a career-high 69-yarder to Donnie Avery. But honestly? Bulger looked like total crap in the second half of this game. Let's not let the losing quarterback have all the fun, though...

Matt Cassel. Sweet gum-chewing Ganesh. I could throw a tighter spiral than that. Getting back to the Rams, though...

The Jim Haslett Renaissance. Really, there's not a whole lot you can come down on the Rams for this game: they kept it close without Stephen Jackson and despite the fact that New England enjoyed much better field position than them overall (not helped by the fact that St. Louis racked up 9 penalties for 63 yards lost while the Pats didn't have a single call against them). But, well... that's just it, you know? They played their absolute hardest against a team that was totally beatable, and they still came up short. How terribly depressing. Sad Tiger sends his condolences, St. Loo.

Tyler Thigpen. "What's wrong with Tyler Thigpen," you ask? Well, here's the thing. Our boy Tyler got thiggy with it against one of the all-time greats, matching Brett Favre nearly pass for pass (25-of-36 to Favre's 28-of-40) and yard for yard (280 to Favre's 290). Both QBs threw for 2 touchdowns... the difference was that Favre chucked up 3 interceptions, while Thigpen had none and earned a passer rating of 117.6 on the day. And you know what? He still lost. Because he plays for the goddamn Kansas City Chiefs.

Larry Johnson. I don't think I need to explain what sucks about the Chiefs on the field (in brief: in football, you have to do this thing called "scoring points" in order to "win games"), so let's focus on the spectacular off-the-field suckage of star running back Larry Johnson, who is currently facing assault charges for spitting a drink in a woman's face at a nightclub. This is the 4th time in 5 years that Johnson has been accused of assaulting a woman. HOLY SHIT. How does this punk still even get to PLAY FOOTBALL? I don't even have a joke to make here. It's fucking disgusting when pro athletes behave like this.

The Jacksonville Jaguars. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll level with you: I've struggled to write about the Jags all season. They've been middling, but not awful (I believe I once noted that I can't in recent years recall a team that seemed so determined to finish the season 8-8), and despite the fact that the preseason held ominous hints that the Jaguars could very well be the new Bengals (arrests, shootings, and the like), Jacksonville kept conveniently winning a game every time I was ready to banish them to the depths of my contempt. Sure, they've got no running game (even with Maurice Jones-Drew... what a waste) and they can't rush the pass worth anything (only 9 sacks on the season? J.T. O'Sullivan would like to know when he gets to play the Jaguars), but they'd still managed to beat the Colts, the Texans, and the Broncos.

After this weekend's 23-17 loss to the staphyloriffic Browns, though? Jacksonville, I hereby dub thee Suck. Welcome to being the object of cheap one-liners and YouTube hilarity in the Powerless Rankings. Welcome to being picked against every week. Welcome to Suckville. The Chiefs will take your bags.

Oh, and Cleveland? You now get to be one of those middle-of-the-pack teams that I dissect on a numerical basis because you're no longer an easy target. Like the difference between beating up an asthmatic slow kid on the one hand, and subtly tormenting a classmate via subtle put-downs until they're driven slowly insane. I happen to be an expert at both.

This picture is great because it kind of looks like he just took a bite out of one of the Jaguars. Like taking a bite out of crime, only fail-ier. Nom!

Expecting anything other than what we already knew.

35-6, Texans over Bengals. TEXANS. THE TEXANS. THE TEAM WITH MATT SCHAUB AND SAGE ROSENFELS. Who the fuck is Kevin Walter other than the guy Yahoo! autodrafts for you in the 14th round when you leave to go get a beer and miss your pick? I don't know, but he caught two maternal-relations-having touchdowns yesterday. For those of you watching at home: yes, the Bengals are now 0-8. I AM RUNNING OUT OF HUMOROUSLY EXAGGERATED NUMERICAL DESIGNATIONS FOR YOUR SHITTY TEAM, CINCY. Seriously!

*************MONDAY NIGHT SPECIAL: Comes with your choice of fries or onion rings!*************

I think we can all agree that the Monday Night Football games this season have been terrible in every sense of the word, from the flagtacular Packers appearance to the sloppy Iggles/Cowmen shootout to the nearly offense-free Steelers/Ravens suckfest. Seriously, we should start a whole new site just to hold all the crap from Mondays. We can call it Mundane Night Football. Or something.

Anyway, the point is that last night's game was also terrible... at least for the first half, which saw one Colts TD and 2 Titans field goals for a snooze-worthy 7-6 halftime score. Thankfully, the Titans remembered that they're the goddamn undefeated Titans and rang up a 17-point 4th quarter to defeat Indianapolis 31-21. But you don't want to hear about that. On to the bawful!

Peyton Manning. Manning sent up two interceptions and accrued a passer rating of just 73.5. What's worse is that this is Peyton's second consecutive 2-pick game; he's already matched the total interceptions he threw in both 2004 and 2006 (9), and is one away from meeting his season mark from '03, '04, and '05. He still managed to connect with Dallas Clark for 2 TDs, but the fact that Dallas Clark put up the best receiving numbers in the game tells you pretty much all you need to know. When the league's best passer is opting repeatedly for his tight end instead of his wideouts, something is terribly amiss. And it's not like the Colts can fall back on their running game. Reggie Wayne still, like, PLAYS for this team, right?

The Colts' red zone defense. The saddest thing about this loss is that the Titans didn't even play a particularly inspired game. Despite having one of the league's top running games, Tennessee averaged just 2.8 yards per rushing play (yuck!) and only gained 88 net rushing yards (5 fewer than Indy). Moreover, Kerry Collins only managed 193 passing yards compared to Manning's 223. Overall, the Titans only averaged 5.2 yards per play, while the Colts had the slight edge with 5.4 yards per play... all this on more than 8 fewer minutes with the ball than TN. How, then, did the Titans take this? Because Indy's defense just gave up every time the Titans got within sneezing distance from the goal line and let LenDale White run it in twice while Chris Johnson added one of his own. Pa. Thetic. White only had 13 freaking yards on the game, and he STILL managed 2 touchdowns?! For god's sake, Indy, you're supposed to try HARDER when you're at your own goal line.

Yeah, I'm not even going to bother coming up with a caption for this one. It's pretty great just the way it is.

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Blogger AnacondaHL said...
How about a Footbawesome for the random guy off the street from the halftime contest kicking Texas Tech's 9/9 PATs? They should hold this contest to replace some NFL QBs.

Anonymous RG said...
i'm pretty sure the marc bulger's 69-yd pass went to donnie avery and not torry holt. just thought i'd point that out.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
You know what? Everyone on arth just stop talking about the dolphins. This team is an absolute mystery. I cannot put into words how weird this team is

also Joey Porter has morphed into some sort of death machine. How? no one knows but its freakin awesome