Lowest circle of hell. The Cincinnati Bengals. When the season began, I compared the Sad Tigers to milk that had gone bad before the expiration date. That analogy seemed so perfect at the time, but now I know it wasn't. No, the Bungles are more like milk that was already bad when you brought it home. So it doesn't matter if you chugged down a mouthful on your way out of the store or if you waited a few days after you go it home. That milk never had a chance. In fact, that crap was poisoned on its way out of the udder. BY THE DEVIL.

And now it's time for...bonus stats! The Bengals have been outscored 73-16 in the past two games and 217-104 this season. In the second halves of the past two games, the Bengals have allowed 49 points and scored just three. In the past two games, the Bengals have given up six touchdown passes and have just one. In 486 minutes and 21 seconds of play this season, which includes the overtime against the Giants in Week 3, the Bengals have led for just 43 minutes and 20 seconds. The Bengals are 0-8 for the fifth time in franchise history. Since 1991, the Bengals have had four 0-8 starts. In that frame of time, only Indianapolis has had as many as two 0-8 starts (1991 and 1997). Nine other NFL teams have had one start as poor as 0-8, according to the Associated Press. You realize what all this means, right?


1. The Kansas City Chiefs. Wow. When the press starts referring to you as "The woeful Kansas City Chiefs" in an article about a couple free agent signings, you just know you're a lousy team. The article went on to say: "Daily roster moves have become the norm for the Chiefs (1-6), who have become a laughingstock under general manager Carl Peterson and coach Herm Edwards." Ouchies. The sad thing is, those descriptions can't even be considered biased news reporting anymore. On the bright side, KC signed long snapper Thomas Gafford, who is joining his fourth team since 2006, so they don't have to worry about losing a game the way Pittsburgh did last Sunday.

2. The Oakland Raiders. Last Sunday, the Raiders did something I thought was impossible. No, they didn't win a game. (Although, at this point, that's probably impossible too.) They made Baltimore's rookie quarterback Joe Flacco look really good. The Slingshot Kid not only tossed for a touchdown, he also scored on a 12-yard run and almost scored again after hauling in a 43-yard pass from backup quarterback Troy Smith. A few more games against Oakland and Flacco will be turning his team's Gatorade into wine. But hey, Raiders. It's okay. Here. Have a cookie!


3. The Jacksonville Jaguars. Hey, Jaguars! Way to let the Browns come into Jacksonville and beat you! YOU SUCK!


4. The Denver Broncos. First four games: 38 PPG. Last three games: 15 PPG. That's what we call a downward trend. Or, if you like, a downward movement...

I like to call each floater a "Bronco."
5. The Indianapolis Colts. This team looks utterly discombobulated. And, at this point, I have no idea how to combobulate them again. But at least we've finally discovered the source of their problems: It's the EA cover curse!


Good call, Tony. Hope the $500 you got out of this was worth it. By the way, what the hell kind of game is Head Coach? And what's next? EA Water Boy? EA Guy Who Gets The Coaching Staff Coffee In The Morning? I can't wait!

6. The New York Jets. Hm. Brett Favre has 7 interceptions and only 3 touchdowns in his last three games. Well, I guess Deanna Favre was right: Her husband really is the same old Brett. Anyway, this is what coach Eric Mangini had to say after watching his team barely squeak by "The woeful Kansas City Chiefs" last week: "If you start taking into account expectations of how you perform and what you should do and not work on the things that you have to get done to win that game, it doesn't help." Wait...what? Ah, forget it. Bad news for Jets fans: Three of the next four games are on the road at Buffalo, New England and Tennessee. Ruh roh, Raggy!


7. The Miami Dolphins. Chad Pennington is carrying this team right now. End of story.

8. The San Diego Chargers. When the Bears let Ron Rivera go a couple years back, I told everyone who would listen that they were making a mistake. Now Rivara is coordinating the defense in San Diego. As of today, the Bolts are ranked 28th overall and last in defending the pass. So, hey, I guess the Bears knew what they were doing after all.

9. The Cleveland Browns. They've quietly won three of four to climb back into a division battle with the Steelers and Ravens. So let's go everybody! It's time to climb on board the...


10. The Houston Texans. Who ever would have thought that the Texans would be tied with the Colts and Jaguars this late into the season? Sure, they're all tied at 3-4, but still. Anyway, the Texans currently rank fourth -- yes, fourth! -- in yards per game (371.6). I'm not saying their previous three games against the Dolphins, Zeroes and Sad Tigers have helped pad that stat...actually, you know what? That's exactly what I'm saying.

11. The Baltimore Ravens. This is from the Ravens' team report: "Ravens coach John Harbaugh said 'The Suggs Package' -- the team's two-quarterback alignment that stole the attention in Sunday's 29-10 victory over the Oakland Raiders -- will be a 'viable part' of the offense for the rest of the season. 'We could see using that package every game,' Harbaugh said at his day-after news conference. 'People playing against us are going to have to be prepared for it every week. We're just scratching the surface of the things that we have in.'" Awesome! I predict the Suggs Package is going to become the new Wildcat Formation! Oh, wait...

12. The New England Patriots. The New Englanders continue to disappoint football fans across the country who were hoping for a complete and total post-Brady collapse. But look on the bright side, Patriot haters: They're not going anywhere in the playoffs and their better-than-expected record will prevent them from getting a high draft pick. So, you know, win-win! And if that's not enough to cheer you anti-Patsy folks, here's the universal sign of disrespect: The peeing Calvin.

If you own a truck, you probably already have this on your back window and/or wheel flap.
13. The Buffalo Bills. So...it looks like the Bills are going to extend coach Dick Jauron. I would just like to point out that the last time Jauron was up for an extension, he led his team -- the Chicago Bears -- to a 13-3 record. He got the extension, and the team promptly transformed back into crap, going 4-12 and 7-9 over the next two seasons. And yes, this is, in fact, a cautionary tale.

14. The Pittsburgh Steelers. On Sunday, this team gave long snappers everywhere reason to scream out: "SEE?! WE ARE TOO IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTORS TO PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL!" Meanwhile, Ben Roethlisberger is on pace to get sacked back into the mid-980s. Which would cool for him, since nobody wore motorcycle helmets back then.

Don't worry, Ben. You'll love the 80s. Trust me.
15. The Tennessee Titans. Strangely enough, the Titans aren't getting as much press as you'd expect for a team that hasn't lost a game yet. We can probably thank last year's New England Patriots for that. It'll be a while before we're ready to trust an undefeated team again. And I'm fine with that. Whatever it takes to keep the 1972 Dolphins out of the papers and off SportsCenter.

Labels: AFC, Powerless rankings