1. The Cleveland Browns. Congratulations, Cleveland. You are the Suckiest of the Suck this week. In a conference with such proudly terrible franchises as Houston, Kansas City, and Oakland, that is no mean feat. Derek Anderson's game has gone to shit faster than your granddad at a Mexican restaurant, they've got zero exciting options on offense, and, uh, Romeo Crennel is their coach. If the AFC were a poker game, they'd be holding the Royal Flush of Duds. Frankly, I respect that the team has opted to give Anderson another shot next week against the Bungles, as he's clearly a talented player -- but for now, to 0-3 Cleveland belongs the dubious honor of topping this esteemed list. WE ARE ALL WITNESSES.

2. The Kansas City Chiefs. Well, yeah. The Chiefs are the AFC's whipping boy, no question, and their utter mess of a QB situation ain't turning that around any time soon. -46 net points on the season so far? Looks like Larry Johnson won't be flashing The Roc much. The one bright side to this Kansas City team is their defense: they're actually 4th in the league in passing yards allowed. But they can't stop the running game, and they can't score, sooo... yeah.

3. The Houston Texans. Look, Houston. The whole "talented rookie running back and completely lame quarterback" combo didn't work for the '07 Vikings, it's not working for the '08 Raiders, and IT AIN'T GONNA WORK FOR YOU.

4. The Cincinnati Bengals. Poor Carson Palmer. In his own words, he's "desperate" for a win... and who can blame him? The Bengals are stuck with one of the toughest schedules in the league this year, and while they appear to have the offensive tools to at least, you know, NOT get their asses kicked all the time, Cincy just hasn't been able to pull it off yet. They came thisclose to beating the Giants last week, and will face the Browns this weekend, so hopefully a turnaround is on the way for the Bengals. Until then, though, Cincinnati? You suck.

5. The Oakland Raiders. Ooh, it tickles me in all the right places to see Oakland actually above Indianapolis and San Diego in the conference standings. Sadly, this is clearly a classic case of Too Good To Last -- Oakland's still only 1-2, after all, and will only get worse. Lane Kiffin has officially entered We're Broken Up, But I Haven't Found A New Apartment Yet territory, and Darren McFadden is crying turf toe like it's going out of style. Oh, and JaMarcus Russell is still their quarterback. Don't let that 93.3 passer rating in last week's game fool you -- he only attempted 19 passes, dammit.

6. The Miami Dolphins. I don't CARE what you think you saw last week. This team still sucks. Like, sucks. Like, has an awful quarterback, an RB duo that's about as reliable as a Scotch tape condom, and the lamest wide receivers in the history of wide receivers. Yes, that's Antonio Fasano, A TIGHT END, who's currently leading the team in receiving yards. This team is going nowhere fast -- well, nowhere except back to the bottom of the AFC East. They're going there pretty fast.

7. The New England Patriots. The New York Yankees of defense: so good for so long, everyone forgot that at some point they'd have to get old and start sucking. Whoopsidoodle! Time to monkey around with free agents to slap onto their obvious leaks like duct tape on a rusty car door. That's two tape-related analogies in a row, so I'm just going to go ahead and move along now.

8. The Indianapolis Colts. The absence of Bob Sanders was glaringly evident in Sunday's heartbreaker loss to the Jaguars. The good news is that Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, and Joseph Addai are still Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, and Joseph Addai; the bad news is that the rest of the Colts have yet to gel effectively around their veteran stars this season. The AFC South is going to be a tough division this year, and -15 net points on the season so far does not bode well for the Colts.

9. The Jacksonville Jaguars. The Jaguars are a decidedly mediocre team that just might go farther than you think this season. How far will they go? Ooh, it's all so exciting!

10. The New York Jets. It's not easy being green. Losses to the Patriots and the Chargers aside, though, these Jets are a better team than anyone wants to give them credit for. Monday night was tough, no question, but Favre's already thrown for 6 TDs and 646 yards on the season to an offense everyone predicted he'd struggle to make use of. If you've already written off the Jets in a season where the (goddamn) Dolphins can beat the Patriots 38-13 and the (goddamn) Bills can be 3-0, you're a fool. A fool, I say!

11. The Pittsburgh Steelers. Oh, Pittsburgh. A decisive Week 1 victory had NFL analysts prematurely blowing their collective load and calling you a lock for the AFC title. But guess what? YOU'VE SCORED 16 POINTS IN THE LAST TWO GAMES COMBINED. With Willie Parker out, the Stellurs will need a big game from Rashard Mendenhall and some much trickier offense to sneak past the Baltimore defense this weekend.

12. The Baltimore Ravens. Yes hello. We're the Baltimore Ravens. We're 2-0. We're winning the AFC North. Just wanted to introduce ourselves.

13. The San Diego Chargers. Ok, so they're still 1-2. But OHMIGOD DIDJA SEE THEM ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL?! Seriously, the early pick-6 aside, Philip Rivers is so, so much better than all the other godawful quarterbacking that's drowning the AFC, and the SD defense is still a force to be reckoned with -- even without Shawne Merriman. LT? Still a bitch.

14. The Buffalo Bills. Oh, FINE. Guhhhh.

15. The Tennessee Titans. Despite the Vince Young brou-ha-ha, this team is 3-0 and sitting pretty atop the AFC South. With the exception of Chris Johnson, there's really nothing remarkable about this offense, but Kerry Collins appears to be doing a bangup job of holding everything together. LIKE TAPE, IF YOU WILL.

16. The Denver Broncos. Holy cow! The Broncs have scored 114 points so far en route to going 3-0 and topping the conference standings. (Note that the 1-2 Chargers are actually second in points scored with 110.) This team's not perfect by a long shot -- frankly, their defense is awful, their pass rush nonexistent, and their quarterback unlikely to remain as dominant as he's been. With 84 points allowed on the season so far, the Broncos have the 2nd-sluttiest defense in the AFC (behind -- you guessed it -- the Chargers). "Fuck defense," says Mike Shanahan. Ok, Mike!

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Anonymous Anonymous said...
Man there was a lot of hate in this weeks rankings. What did the Dolphins ever do to you?

if this involves ronnie brown and fantasy football dont answer

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
You pick truly bawful worthy pictures for your posts.

I'm a Pats fan, Anonymous. That should explain things.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
well I'm a dolphins fan lol. I mean we've had 8 wins in 2 season and now 3 games into this one. Please can we have SOMETHING?

oh and drew brees could be our QB right now....just saying

Blogger Evil Ted said...
"Derek Anderson's game has gone to shit faster than your granddad at a Mexican restaurant..."

I shall be tickled pink by this line for the rest of the day...or at least a few minutes.

AND you're a Pats fan? Color me infatuated.

Evil Ted

Evil Ted!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
So who would have picked this lineup two months ago? Huh? Joe freakin Flacco is driving Baltimore, what a world.
I can't imagine the Dolphins will actually win another game for a while. I could be wrong...

Anonymous Anonymous said...
well they play the rams, 49ers, texans, ravens (only win last yr), raiders, chiefs, & a jets team they nearly beat. Also we cant be too sure the 3-0 bills are for real and we play them twice

am I saying winning record? no but at LEAST 6 wins is a good possibility barring injury