You must be at least this tall to sack Aaron Rodgers.

The NFC North. The Packers are currently the only team in the division with a winning record, and they demonstrated pretty effectively last night that Aaron Rodgers afterglow wears off about as fast as the post-nookie haze when you wake up and realize you're 45 minutes away from your apartment and have no idea where your right shoe is. A preponderance of talent at running back is in no way compensating for the utterly lackluster passing game that defines all four of these teams. I want to like Rodgers, I really do, but this division as a whole is just plain playing crappy football. Who do they think they are, the ACC? Hey, Detroit: STOP GETTING SUCK ALL OVER EVERYONE.

The Packers O-line. FIVE sacks on Aaron Rodgers? From a team with a pass rush as lame as the Cowboys'? Yoikes.

The Packers Defense. Honestly, as much as I question Rodgers' ability to make big plays and run effective red zone offense, it's the Green Bay D that deserves the Red Badge of Crappage for last night's 27-16 loss to the Cowboys. They ran themselves ragged double- and triple-covering Terrell Owens, and as a result left the door wiiiiiiide open for a dominant Dallas running game led by Marion Barber and rookie Felix Jones. After the game, Mike McCarthy seemed more disappointed in his team's lack of offense than anything else, but I question the notion that the way to beat Dallas is to simply try and outscore them without also looking to shut down their offense. Just ask the Iggles.

NFL.com writers. From the recap for the Vikes' 20-10 defeat of the Panthers: "It's just one victory, players said after the game, but they know the ingredients of a slow-forming stew are starting to properly season." Gus Frerotte doused in tarragon? Thanks, but, uhh, I ate right before I left.

Jake Delhomme. With Steve Smith fresh off his two-game suspension and finally back in the lineup, Delhomme still couldn't find his rhythm against the Minnesota defense -- he was sacked twice and didn't get the ball to Smith once the entire second and third quarters. Apparently, the passing game has gone out of style in the NFC. Either that, or everybody just plain sucks.

Ken Lucas. Who do you think Steve Smith took out his frustration on after the game?

Matt Ryan doubters. HA! Another whomptacular effort against the Chiefs sent Matt Ryan and Michael Turner skyrocketing back to the top of the "Players Everyone Is Kicking Themselves For Not Starting On Their Fantasy Teams" list (along with Ronnie Brown, of course, but fuck that guy).

The Arizona Cardinals. Dammit, Cards! I gave you mountains of props last week, and you had to go make me look like a fool by dropping to the Redskins. Well, fuck you. A slew of penalties on kick and punt returns meant the Cardinals didn't start a single drive beyond their own 42 and ultimately wore themselves down fighting for position. The game was close through the 4th quarter, but Leigh Torrance was able to bat away a pass intended for Steve Breaston (god, I wish I'd gone to middle school with a kid named Breaston) and convert it into a successful scoring drive for the 'Skins. Larry Fitzgerald ran for 109 yards and a touchdown. What a waste.

The Detroit Lions. 131 all-purpose yards from Rudi Johnson... a 103.3 passer rating from Jon Kitna... and yet, still, a dismal (albeit palindromic!) 31-13 loss to the up-and-coming 49ers. Mike Martz to Detroit: "How do you like me now, suckers?"

The Chicago Bears. With Devin Hester out (suh-prise, bitch), the Bears managed to blow yet another 4th-quarter lead en route to falling to Tampa Bay, 27-24. Brian Griese completed 38 of 67(!) for 407 yards (!!) and strung together a phenomenal 79-yard touchdown drive with less than two minutes to go to tie it; the TD pass went over the line to Jerramy Stevens [shudder] with just one second to go in the game. The Bucs would go on to win in overtime.

Rashied Davis. Dropping a 3rd-down pass in OT to set up the winning drive for the other team, Rashied? If this were Pop Warner, you'd get taken out for ice cream to make you feel better. But since it's not: WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH IS YOUR PROBLEM, SON?!

Buccaneers fans. Sure, you won the game. But you were cheering for a rapist. There. Doesn't feel quite so special now, does it?

Rex Grossman. Yeah, Rex, everyone in Chicago pretty much hates you. You lost 'em the Superbowl, and now Brian Griese is back in town making everyone wish they'd sent your meaty ass packing when they had the chance. Careful, now. You might hurt someone with that clipboard.

The St. Louis Rams. I mean. They lost. Of course they lost. They now have a grand total of negative 87 net points on the season. I suppose it's cruel to mock them at this point. I'd post one of those "Failboat" pictures here, but at this point I'm not sure the Rams could muster up enough cohesive forward motion to even climb aboard said Failboat. Let's go, kids. It's not polite to stare.







Aw, what the hey. It's Monday!

Labels: , ,

4 Comments:
Anonymous Malene, copenhagen said...
Arh, not to be too much of a turd, but I think the notion that 'the way to beat Dallas is to simply outscore them' is, uhm, pretty solid.

Yeah, it's fixed... that was one of those "I know what I'm saying, but no one else does" moments. My point was that trying to beat Dallas at their own game, i.e. trying to one-up them on offense, is a losing bet -- hence the reference to the Eagles game from last week. Teams will spend the rest of the season scrambling to keep up with Dallas offensively and never get anywhere unless they can run an effective defense on them.

Or unless it's the playoffs, in which case Tony Romo will do a fine job of melting down on his own.

Anonymous Pistonsgirl4life said...
You realize I'm starting to think 0-16 is a VERY real possibility for Detroit...

I wonder what happens if TWO teams go 0-fer at the same time, I mean wouldn't that be the meanest coin toss ever?

Anonymous Anonymous said...
When Brian Griese looks good, the apocalypse must be coming. (Ducking)
Boatdrinks