1. Miami Dolphins: Their quarterback is Chad Pennington (let me repeat: Chad Pennington). Their running back tandem is Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown (a combined 2.6 yards per carry). They were picked apart last week by the undead remains of Kurt Warner. Need I say more? Okay, fine: They could very well succeed where they failed last season and go for the perfect 0-16 season.
2. Kansas City Chiefs: Sure, they have no offensive line, they're down to their third string quarterback, and they've lost 11 straight games dating back to the midpoint of the 2007 season. But at least Larry Johnson is healthy and motivated to...oh, wait...
3. Cincinnati Bengals: Have you ever taken a huge gulp of milk directly out of the carton only to realize mid-swallow that it's totally gone sour even though it wasn't supposed to expire for a week? And as you're gagging and spitting gooey chunks of curdle into the sink, all you can think is: How could it have gone so bad so quickly? Well, that's your 2008 Cincinnati Bengals, folks!
4. Cleveland Browns: See above. (And to everybody who thought they were going to take The Next Step this season: Shame on you for forgetting that they're the Cleveland Browns. Seriously. What were you thinking?)
5. Houston Texans: [Checks watch] At what point will the Texans realize they can't really be considered an expansion team anymore?
6. Oakland Raiders: JaMarcus Russell is the AFC's version of Tavaris Jackson, and it looks like Darren McFadden could be this season's Adrian Peterson. And yes, these are pointed comparisons to the Minnesota Vikings.
7. San Diego Chargers: They fell ass-first into an 0-2 hole after their second consecutive heartbreaking last-second loss. Shawne Merriman is out for the season and LaDainian Tomlinson's turf toe is now the runner-up to Tom Brady's exploded knee as the leading cause of fantasy football-related suicides in the U.S. I guess what I'm saying is that you should probably hold off on ordering that San Diego Chargers: Super Bowl XLIII Champions t-shirts.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars: How many years in a row will we suffer through a plethora of "This year is the Jaguar's year!" preseason predictions before everybody finally realizes that it's never, ever, ever going to be their year? Sorry, Jacksonville fans, but they're an Almost Team all the way. But speaking of plethoras, here's one of my favorite scenes from the vastly underrated Three Amigos:
9. New York Jets: Brett Favre retirement/unretirement joke! That is all.
10. Indianapolis Colts: I once told a friend that Peyton Manning could probably throw for 300 yards behind a slice of Swiss cheese...and that's exactly what he did last week against the Vikings! Just call me Nostradamus. That being said, if Jeff Saturday and Tony Ugoh don't get healthy -- and fast -- I predict this will happen to Peyton Manning sooner than later.
11. Baltimore Ravens: I know, I know. Their season thus far consists of one relatively uninspiring win over the Cincinnati Bengals and a game against the Houston Texans that was postponed. But still, you've got to admit, they haven't sucked as bad as the teams behind them in this list. Yet.
12. Buffalo Bills: They crushed the Seahawks and beat the Jaguars in Jacksonville, starting 2-0 for the first time since they were in the midst of losing four Super Bowls in a row. And with an upcoming schedule that includes the Raiders, Rams and Cardinals, I predict either a 5-0 or 4-1 start, followed by the inevitable second-half of the season collapse.
14. New England Patriots: No Tom Brady? No problem Jesus merengue-dancing Christ, why won't this team die?!
15. Denver Broncos: Okay. I'm really starting to think that "Jay Cutler is now treating his Type 1 diabetes" was actually a cute euphemism for "We replaced Jay with an unstoppable football-playing cyborg clone from...the future!" Seriously, has anybody seen a a crazy old man in a Delorean outside Mile High Stadium? Oh, wait, I'm sorry. Make that INVESCO Field at Mile High. [Gags.] Random fantasy note: I nabbed Eddie Royal in both of my fantasy football leagues. [Puts pinky finger to mouth] Muwahahahahahaha!
16. Pittsburgh Steelers: Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin announced that Ben Roethlisberger's separated shoulder isn't as separated as previously suspected. And if that's really the case, Pittsburgh is probably the best least-flawed team in their conference. Go Steelers!