1. The St. Louis Rams. Amid the nationwide economic turmoil, election-year insanity, and reports of fearsome weather patterns currently plaguing our fine nation, it is truly reassuring to know that we as Americans can count on one constant: St. Louis is a godawful football team, and they don't care who knows it. This team has let up 79 points on the season so far while only scoring 16. Centuries from now, the bards will sing of the utter futility and spectacular awfulness of the 2008 Rams. More craptacular: Miami, or St. Louis? Discuss, in an essay of 500 words or fewer.

2. The Detroit Lions. It wasn't easy deciding whether Detroit or St. Louis rightly holds the title of So Bad It's Awesome this week. Detroit has actually showed flickers of sentient life on offense, so they're in second, but rest assured: they still suck mightily. Oh, and they've let up 82 points in just two games. Sweet merciful crap!

3. The Seattle Seahawks. What the FUCK, Seattle?! The chic pick for NFC Superbowl rep heading into the season, the Seahawks have seen injuries to six of their wide receivers -- one of whom was actually their backup quarterback -- as well as star linebacker Lofa Tatupu. They've posted losses to the Bills and 49ers, and it really doesn't seem as though things could get any worse. I shouldn't say that, though. I guess there's always room for Matt Hasselbeck to come down with cholera or something.

4. The Washington Redskins. The Redskins pulled off their first win under Jim "Every Rose Has Its" Zorn last week, but that was really more due to the seeming determination of the Saints to turn the ball over at any and every opportunity. Plus, Santana Moss has already handed in his 100-yard game for the season. "Can I go home now, Coach?"

5. The New Orleans Saints. I STILL utterly fail to understand how a team with the sheer amount of raw talent that New Orleans has can be so terribly mediocre, but, well, there it is. With Marques Colston out and a game against the hot-to-trot Broncos this weekend, the future looks rather bleak for the Saints.

6. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The Buccaneers are that team in your fantasy league whose owner drafted really carefully and has all these arguments about how great his team is on paper, then loses all the time because he tried to be all tricky and not draft a running back first. Yikes! With backup QB Brian Griese in for Jeff Garcia, there's not a whole lot the Bucs can do on offense. Which you need. To score points. To win a game.

7. The Minnesota Vikings. Must... not... make... easy... Tarvaris... Jackson... joke... I simply don't understand the way Minny's offense is supposed to function. They're the Bizarro World Buccaneers: all running back, no anything else. Tarvaris Jackson is a pretty crappy quarterback, but he's also got no worthwhile options at wide receiver.

8. The Atlanta Falcons. By now we're all aware that the dazzling play of Matt Ryan and Michael Turner in Week 1 was really more a testament to how bad the Lions are than how good the Falcons are. I'm not willing to write off Atlanta yet, though. Damn these small sample sizes!

9. The Philadelphia Eagles. We're all on tenterhooks waiting for Donovan McNabb to get his routine season-ending injury this year. The Eagles offense has been surprisingly potent this year -- Brian Westbrook is, as ever, a freaking tank, and rookie DeSean Jackson is outstanding when he's not dropping balls an inch before the goal line -- but they've also not had a real test yet this season. Pittsburgh coming up means the Iggles will NEED to step up their receiver coverage, or this team'll be 1-2 faster than you can say AJ Feeley.

10. The Dallas Cowboys. Sure, the Cowboys pulled off a dazzling and memorable win on MNF this week... but they've got no freaking defense. Tony Romo is as bipolar as they come; he pulls off those amazing throws to Terrell Owens that get you all hot and bothered and maybe make you have to step outside for a cigarette, but he reverts to spaz mode with virtually no warning. This team is about as stable as a pregnant woman who just ran out of pickles and chocolate syrup.

11. The San Francisco 49ers. They may be 1-1, but San Francisco couldn't have asked for more of journeyman quarterback JT O'Sullivan, who's bravely overcome the adversity of being a white QB to post two quality starts with an average passer rating of 96.3. Hooray!

12. The Chicago Bears. Conventional wisdom tells me that the Bears are going exactly nowhere this season, and last week's blown 14-point lead against the Panthers seems to provide fodder for that argument. However, Matt Forte is my favorite rookie running back this year, and that's making me all giddy. The NFC North is anyone's playground this year, and the Bears just might have the defense and the RBs to pull it off.

13. The Green Bay Packers. Because I have balls of steel, I'm picking Aaron Rodgers and his Packers to win over the Cowboys this weekend. Rodgers has done a stellar job of using his offensive tools effectively, and while the Green Bay defense needs tightening, this team already looks way more awesome than anyone would have expected, I think. This message approved by the Packer Pope.

14. The New York Giants. Oh goddamn it. Also, Brandon Jacobs owns your soul.

15. The Carolina Panthers. Yes, Virginia, there is a first-place team in the NFC South! Say hello to the Carolina Panthers, who are 2-0 and looove last-minute victories. Rookie Jonathan Stewart is playing all kinds of nasty, and Dante Rosario just became the tight end everyone ganked off the waiver wire in their fantasy leagues after his last-minute TD catch against the San Diego Chargers in Week 1. I'm not saying you HAVE to jump aboard the Jake Delhomme Train Of Awesome... I'm just saying you might enjoy it.

16. The Arizona Cardinals. Seriously, I don't know what combination of unicorn's blood/voodoo magic/good ol' fashioned bible-thumping prayer is keeping Kurt Warner going, but he looks absolutely unbelievable this year. Like Brett Favre last year, only not a total dick. The Buzzsaw is 2-0 to start the season for the first time in 17 years and has one of the easiest schedules in the league... I see only more dominance in store for them. Whee!

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Anonymous Anonymous said...
SF at 11th? Wow. I disagree, but do so agreeably because you used "tenterhooks."

I think the Niners are going to be the NFC's San Francisco treat!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Go Cardinals!

I agree, actually... my hope is that after the '9ers stomp all over the Lions this weekend, I'll be able to nudge them "down" a spot or two in the Rankings of Suckage. JT O'SULLIVAN, BABY!

Blogger D.J. Foster said...
Not to be all nitpicky, but the Panthers acutally beat the Chargers in week one, not the Seahawks. J.T. O'Sullivan actually isn't a rooke either, he's been a backup with quite a few terrible teams.

Loved the post though, funny stuff.

Guhh you're so right, and I knew that... sorry, it's so easy to mix up those wildly overrated West Coast teams. Fixed!

And I did not know that about O'Sullivan, as I was far too lazy to Wikipedia him. Thanks!

Anonymous ak dave said...
OM-NOMNOMNOM!!! All it's missing are the teeth, guys. come on!

Blogger Rocco said...
Unicorn blood helped keep Lord Voldermort alive.