Lions
It's okay, guys. Only 11 more ego-shattering losses to go...

The Washington Redskins. The 'Skins followed up ultra-impressive back-to-back road wins over the Cowboys and Eagles by...losing at home to the previously winless Rams? That's like Batman defeating the Joker and Lex Luthor (we'll assume Superman was on vacation) only to break his neck by slipping on a banana peel. And that's what the Rams are this year: The banana peel of the NFL. Washington entered the game as the only team in league history to open a season with zero offensive turnovers in its first five games. However, the universe loves a stat curse, and that's why the Redskins lost three fumbles yesterday, one of which was returned 75 yards for a touchdown by Oshiomogho Atogwe. Random aside: From now on, I'm going to scream "Oshiomogho!" whenever I succeed at something. This includes but is not limited to: Parallel parking, finding loose change in couch cushions, and particularly satisfying bathroom breaks.

Richie Incognito. This schmuck very nearly cost the Rams their first, lonely win of the season. With his team killing the clock to set up for an easy field goal attempt, Incognito got whistled for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for verbally abusing an official. His oral diarrhea transformed a reasonably sure 34-yard field goal into an "oh man, I can't watch this" 49-yarder and prompted new head coach Jim Haslett to scream "What is wrong with this motherfucker?" on the sidelines.

Incognito was confused by the penalty -- he said: "I cannot explain it." -- and claimed that he was simply protecting his quarterback during a scrum in which some Redskins players were trying to force a turnover. "They took a swing at Marc. We were all jaw jacking." But Washington linebacker London Fletcher begs to differ; Fletcher believes Incognito is a dirty player and that the call was nothing less than he deserved. "He could have got several penalties, several personal fouls. That's his M.O. He does a lot of late hitting, grabbing face masks, things like that. The referee could have actually gave him a penalty before he even [was called for personal foul in the final minute]."

That's superdickery. But no matter. Incognito will soon have to answer to a higher power: "My mom will be mad at me," he said.

Josh Brown. I know, I know. He helped his team escape the pain and humilation of winlessness by kicking a 49-yard field goal on the last play of the game. However, he also violated the unwritten but strictly observed rule that NFL kickers are not allowed to celebrate. Ever. You know why? Because when they do, stuff like this happens:

josh-brown-thumbs
Dear all other NFL kickers: You've been warned.

The Detroit Surrender Lions: At one point during the Bears game, I saw a 3-2 score flash across the ticker at the bottom of the screen. I said out loud: "That has to be the Detroit game." And, of course, it was. (And yes, they were the team that gave up the safety.) Despite being the Lions and starting a QB named Dan Orlovsky, Detroit actually managed to both score an offensive touchdown and lead for most of the game (prior to yesterday, they had held a lead for less than three minutes all season). But they are who we thought they were, and the Vikings managed to kick a field goal with nine seconds left to keep the Lions winless. And hopeless. And any other -less you can think of.

Oh, and here's where we get into "It's worse than that, he's dead Jim!" territory. Take a gander at Detroit's schedule for the rest of the season: at Houston, Washington, at Chicago, Jacksonville, at Carolina, Tampa Bay, Tennessee, Minnesota, at Indianapolis, New Orleans, at Green Bay. I'm telling you, they could go winless. Stay tuned at the Lions chase history!

The Chicago Bears coaching staff. I don't mean to go all Bill Walton here, but what were they thinking? Were they thinking?! Scoring a go-ahead TD with 11 seconds left in the game has to rank pretty high on the NFL Head Coach's Wish List, but apparently Lovie and the Gang don't go for standard wishery. Since they were apparently still wetting themselves over Jerious Norwood's 85-yard kickoff return, Da Coaches decided to have Robbie Gould squib kick the ball to the Falcons. This helped limit the return to only 10 yards, but it also gave the Falcons the ball on their own 44-yard line. On the ensuing pass play, the Bears employed a soft zone in the secondary, which allowed Michael Jenkins to catch a 26-yard pass and get out of bounds with one second left on the clock. Quick quiz: What's the one thing you don't want your team to do in a situation like this? Answer: That. Yet it happened. Why not set up the defense to force Atlanta to throw it into the middle of the field? They complete a pass, you tackle the reciever, the clock runs out, game over. That's all it would have taken to secure a victory. A monkey would realize that after playing 20 minutes worth of Madden. A brain-damaged monkey. With hemmoroids.

I should also point out that earlier in the fourth quarter, the Bears were stuffed on third-and-one and fourth-and-one when Lovie Smith ran his favorite goal line play: UP THE MIDDLE. I think opposing teams have probably figured that one out, Lovie. You might want to come up with an alternative play that doesn't suck. I know NFL coaches are supposed to have a chart that tells them what they're supposed to do in various situations. Well, the Bears coaches must have a chart that just says FAIL. Do you hear that sound, Lovie? It's everybody laughing at you. And I do mean everybody.

jesus

The Chicago Bears defense. There's nowhere left for these guys to hide. The Bears are 3-3, and all three losses can be blamed on the defense. They gave up double-digit fourth-quarter leads to the Panthers and Bucs, and then they couldn't hold a lead for six seconds against the Falcons (that's how much time was left after the kickoff return). And although they managed to hold Michael Turner in check, the Chicago D let rookie quarterback Matt Ryan (301 yards, 23-for-30, 1 TD and a 116.1 QB rating) carve them up. Oh, and Roddy White (9 receptions, 112 yards and a TD) couldn't have evaded them more successfully if he'd been trained in the deadly arts of the Ninja.

JaMarcus Russell. The Raiders were so inspired by their recent change in leadership that they came out and got sandblasted 34-3 by the Saints. On the bright side, THEY DID SCORE FIRST. And first blood tastes so sweet. Unless, that is, it's washed down with the bitter flavor of godawful quarterback. Russell completed only 37 percent of his passes (13-for-35) for 159 yards. He was sacked twice, intercepted once, fumbled once and finished with a QB rating of 40.1. That's a full 55 points lower than Detroit's Dan Orlovsky, by the way. And that, my friend, is nature's way of saying...

Murray

Javon Walker: He had one catch for seven yards yesterday. On the season, he has a grand total five catches for only 59 yards. This seems like as good a time as any to mention that, in March, Walker signed a six-year, $55 million free agent contract with Oakland. That deal includes $27 million in the first three years and $16 million guaranteed. Money well spent, Mr. Davis. Money well spent. Now, can I interest you in a time machine that will allow you to return to a time when your team wasn't a worthless mockery? I'll totally give you "buddy rates."

The Carolina Panthers. In my weekly picks, I said that the Carolina had become the Ferris Bueller of the NFL. Well, on Sunday against the Bucs, they were more like Ferris' friend Cameron. The Panthers lowlights includes Jake Delhomme's three INTs and 38.6 QB rating, DeAngelo Williams's 27 yards on 11 carries, and a defensive effort that saw Jeff Garcia (15-for-20, 173 yards, 1 TD, 117.3 QB rating) and Warrick Dunn (115 yards on 22 rushes) take turns bitchslapping them. All I know is, it's bad when JaMarcus Russell watches highlights of your game and asks, "Hey, anybody know if we're playing the Panthers this season?"

Jake Delhomme, quote machine. What did he make of his team's 27-3 fail-a-palooza against the Bucs? "I don't know if its a wake-up call. We got beat. Very simply, we didn't play well and they played well." Thanks for that, Jake. I didn't get it before, but now? I totally get it.

Ken Whisenhunt/icing the kicker. The Cardinals blocked a Nick Folk field goal that gave them a 24-21 win as time expired...wait, what? Whisenhunt called a timeout that nullified the blocked kick? Because he wanted to ice the kicker?! Boy, karma really is a bitch, huh? Folk was so iced by the timeout that he nailed a 52-yarder and sent the game to overtime. The Cardinals still won, thanks to a blocked punt that was returned for a touchdown, but still. Icing the kicker is one of the lamest gimmicks in the NFL. It's right up there with calling them a poopyhead or insulting their mother. Why not try something really effective, like sending them a good luck card that says, "Ha, ha, just kidding. YOU ARE A LOSER."

Packers drama. After a sort-of-but-not-really impressive win over NFC West's new doormat (now that the Rams have a more recent victory), it's time to bask in the unrivaled hyperbole of a Green Bay victory. According to the Associated Press: "Aaron Rodgers turned his sprained shoulder into a lesson for any Packers who may still be missing his predecessor. The first-year starter is showing grit and leadership that would make Brett Favre proud." To this point, Favre and his agent have neither confirmed nor denied this assessment, probably because they're too busy being all proud and stuff.

Rodgers, however, read these comments and nodded knowingly during his postgame press conference. "Everybody plays with injuries in this league. But to not practice for two weeks, to not throw the ball at all, I'm proud the way I was able to play today," Rodgers said with a shy smile and a large crocodile tear flowing down his chiseled cheak. "Hopefully it shows my teammates that I will put my body on the line for them and I care about them a lot, that come Sunday I'm going to give it all I can." He then rushed from the podium and overturned a burning car to save a burlap sack full of adorable kittens that were trapped within. "It was just adrenaline," Rodgers said. "I'm sure anybody else capable of unthinkable feats of superhuman strength, stamina and will power would have done the same thing. All I did was risk life and limb to rip the door of a car that was totally on fire. It was nothing." Stand back, kids. It's...

capt hyperbole

Note: The FutureMrs has promised "a SUPER JUMBO-SIZED Worst of the Weekend for the AFC tomorrow that includes MNF!" Just FYI. Trust me, it'll be worth the wait.

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16 Comments:
Anonymous Anonymous said...
Go Cardinals!

Anonymous Anonymous said...
What?! Nothing on the Dallas Cowboys?

Anonymous AK Dave said...
Matt Ryan completed 33 of 30? Whoah- maybe he really CAN turn raindrops into silver dollars and shit ice cream!

Looks like you can keep your "Drew Brees is the bestest" pin.

Speaking of Atlanta- can we have an update on Michael Vick? I'm sure your all-knowing sources can scrounge up something entertaining.

Blogger Iodinedc said...
@ak dave
Matt ryan is so amazing he could beat the giants and the broncos love baby of awesome with only a pez dispenser and underwear made of polyester

Blogger BadDave said...
Wait - I don't see what's wrong with the kicker picture. I mean, *I* have two thumbs and love receiving blowjobs.

Of course, I'm sure the editor of that pic meant Brown likes giving bj's. And of course that's nonsense - he's not in Detroit!

Blogger Dunpizzle said...
What about the officials in the Cowboys/Cardinals game!? They were trying their best to give the game to the Cowboys. I thought I was watching the NFL version of Kings/Lakers Game 6.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
anonymous #2 -- Ugh. You're right. I actually intended to have a section on them. I'll add one...

ak dave -- Ha, ha, smartass. It was 23-for-30. And, actually, it's funny you mentioned Vick, because I have a Vick-related post coming up...

dunpizzle -- Dude, I know. I try to avoid busting on the refs, but seriously, Barber's last TD only happened because the refs chose not to call a holding penalty (which was almost exactly like the penalty they called on the previous play) and those SHI-nanigans at the end of the game? Where the injured guy caused on offside penalty that gave the 'Boys an extra five yards for their FG attempt? I can't believe I didn't talk about that stuff...

Blogger Grayson said...
You finally have driven me to this. I have to post, there is no other choice.

I have read Basketbawful the past season to keep up on Basketball in an entertaining and concise fashion. Yet, I know enough to know I don't know much about basketball, so I never post.

Then you had to start up a football site. Granted, your commentary isn't quite as good as basketbawful, but it isn't bad and I figure it will improve. (Come on now, don't let your female partner show you up consistently. I know you're a competitor.)

I know football. I am an avid Bucs fan. It has broken my heart that you continue to berate the Bucs, although some of it is warranted.

You see, underneath the quarterback wheel of fortune is a solid team with depth on the defensive line, offensive line, secondary, tight-ends, and running backs.

Our run defensive has been absolutely SUPERB this year. No one seems to realize it, but the gap coverage is so good that the only running back that broke to the second level on multiple occasions on inside runs was Matt Forte.

This forces teams into passing situations, and with our defensive line rotation, new zone blitz packages, and the good old zones; Tampa-3 (It is not really a Cover 2, the middle linebacker drops to the middle deep third), Cover-3, Cover-4, we are forcing better opportunities for splash plays.

Aqib Talib has been excellent in man coverage after the Saints game, where Drew Brees introduced him to the NFL, allowing the defense to mix man blitz schemes like the Giants. This is also why you see Ronde Barber getting torched week to week. He simply can't cover anyone man anymore.

Combined with a strong running game, the Bucs have a chance to win most games if they can avoid turnovers. The problem lately has been teams stacking the box and middle-short routes because we are horrid throwing deep. This is our glaring weakness.

I know that we were able to blow out Carolina due to stopping the run early on and getting splash plays on defense, which allowed us to play-action for easy pass plays and revert to 1930's football for the 2nd half while the Bucs watched Delhomme under pressure throw constantly into coverage. If we played them next week, I would still go with a toss-up as to the winner.

The entire post is a pre-face to justify this single comment, which, because of weeks of ridicule and praise for a team that isn't as complete as TheFutureMrs believes, I am forced to post while we are ahead.



HAHAHAHHAHAHA BUCS RULE, THE PANTHERS SUCK AND THEFUTUREMRS WAS WRONG!

Anonymous Dubs said...
Cubs then Bears...it has been rough and yes this is very true: A monkey would realize that after playing 20 minutes worth of Madden. A brain-damaged monkey. With hemmoroids. And AIDS. Especially AIDS.

+1

Blogger Grayson said...
Comma splices and no edit function makes baby jesus sad.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
grayson -- The Bucs are a strong defensive team with a solid running game. I'm not disputing that. It's a great formula for regular season wins. But neither their defense nor their running game is truly strong enough to contend with in the playoffs without a solid QB. Right now, they've got game managers. Which would be fine if they had their defense from '02 or an LT-caliber RB.

Hey, look, I've been a Tampa fan since they drafted Mike Alstott. I'm happy they're as strong as they are. They're a solid 10-win team.

dubs -- Thanks for finishing that one off for me.

Blogger Grayson said...
You have them pegged for almost the way I see them; but I see a strong 11 wins with Romo out for the Dallas game. As the season progresses I think the defense will show you it is better than you currently think.

I can see them winning their first round playoff game (division champion or wild card) but I don't think they are a super bowl team.

This defense is the best Tampa has had since '03 and reminds me of the '97 defense. It has the depth on the defensive line to make havoc in the playoffs.

Our offensive line is good enough to get by with Dunn and Graham running the ball. It is the best line I have watched in Tampa for the last 15 years. A good offensive line helps a lot; I like to call it the Law of Trent Green.

The big question there is if we can develop any consistency in the passing game. That is predicated on a healthy Joey Galloway and Garcia not pretending to be Captain Checkdown.

And I enjoy the blog; I am very happy you made a football version. It just doesn't seem to have the humor and breakdowns your basketball analysis has, YET. I believe in you.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
@iodinedc

Matt Ryan can slam a revolving door.

Grayson, you should know that I'm already predisposed to get defensive when you question my partner-in-crime's ability to bring the awesome. But I have to ask: whence the need to point out that he's getting "shown up" by his female partner?

Plus, for all you know I'm a dude masquerading as a chick just to fuck with all of you.

Blogger Grayson said...
Just to poke fun, nothing harmful meant at all, much like the humor on this site. Your little rant about idiot guys in bars, where coincidently idiot guys flock to drink on Sunday, might have pushed it in the back of my head.

I didn't think that it came off as offensive considering the humor on this site and the fact that I stated I definitely appreciate his talent and creativity as a writer.

He can 'bring the awesome', but his writing style and the way he breaks down games and events on basketbawful is excellent. I am sure that the format and his style evolved over time just like any other creative endeavour.

For example:
http://basketbawful.blogspot.com/2007/02/its-official-eddy-curry-is-better-than.html

This is an article that while humorous has a well thought out opinion about a big-time player that the media and fans may view in the wrong manner. It demonstrates his basketball knowledge, wit, creativity and writing skills.

The schedule of NFL games may not be conducive to posting certain types, such as 'The Worst of the Night'.

Anonymous AK Dave said...
@ Future Mrs:

If you were a guy masquerading as a woman on the internet then that would explain your real football knowledge.

No offense intended, but I have never ever in my life found a woman who knows all of the following about football:

1-what is a safety and how many points is it worth

2-what is the "Cover 2" defense

3-what is a "seam" route and who usually runs it?

These are basic questions that I throw out at any female who claims to know football. Some of them can answer one of those very basic questions- the one about the safety. But I have yet to meet a woman who can answer me even two of those questions. Maybe it's my bad luck, or maybe I don't hit on enough women at sports bars (gf probably would disagree with that).

Until I meet you or somebody like you, I will continue to deny your existence, much like Sasquatch and UFO's.

:)