It's okay, guys. Only 11 more ego-shattering losses to go...
The Washington Redskins. The 'Skins followed up ultra-impressive back-to-back road wins over the Cowboys and Eagles by...losing at home to the previously winless Rams? That's like Batman defeating the Joker and Lex Luthor (we'll assume Superman was on vacation) only to break his neck by slipping on a banana peel. And that's what the Rams are this year: The banana peel of the NFL. Washington entered the game as the only team in league history to open a season with zero offensive turnovers in its first five games. However, the universe loves a stat curse, and that's why the Redskins lost three fumbles yesterday, one of which was returned 75 yards for a touchdown by Oshiomogho Atogwe. Random aside: From now on, I'm going to scream "Oshiomogho!" whenever I succeed at something. This includes but is not limited to: Parallel parking, finding loose change in couch cushions, and particularly satisfying bathroom breaks.

Richie Incognito. This schmuck very nearly cost the Rams their first, lonely win of the season. With his team killing the clock to set up for an easy field goal attempt, Incognito got whistled for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for verbally abusing an official. His oral diarrhea transformed a reasonably sure 34-yard field goal into an "oh man, I can't watch this" 49-yarder and prompted new head coach Jim Haslett to scream "What is wrong with this motherfucker?" on the sidelines.

Incognito was confused by the penalty -- he said: "I cannot explain it." -- and claimed that he was simply protecting his quarterback during a scrum in which some Redskins players were trying to force a turnover. "They took a swing at Marc. We were all jaw jacking." But Washington linebacker London Fletcher begs to differ; Fletcher believes Incognito is a dirty player and that the call was nothing less than he deserved. "He could have got several penalties, several personal fouls. That's his M.O. He does a lot of late hitting, grabbing face masks, things like that. The referee could have actually gave him a penalty before he even [was called for personal foul in the final minute]."

That's superdickery. But no matter. Incognito will soon have to answer to a higher power: "My mom will be mad at me," he said.

Josh Brown. I know, I know. He helped his team escape the pain and humilation of winlessness by kicking a 49-yard field goal on the last play of the game. However, he also violated the unwritten but strictly observed rule that NFL kickers are not allowed to celebrate. Ever. You know why? Because when they do, stuff like this happens:

Dear all other NFL kickers: You've been warned.
The Detroit Surrender Lions: At one point during the Bears game, I saw a 3-2 score flash across the ticker at the bottom of the screen. I said out loud: "That has to be the Detroit game." And, of course, it was. (And yes, they were the team that gave up the safety.) Despite being the Lions and starting a QB named Dan Orlovsky, Detroit actually managed to both score an offensive touchdown and lead for most of the game (prior to yesterday, they had held a lead for less than three minutes all season). But they are who we thought they were, and the Vikings managed to kick a field goal with nine seconds left to keep the Lions winless. And hopeless. And any other -less you can think of.

Oh, and here's where we get into "It's worse than that, he's dead Jim!" territory. Take a gander at Detroit's schedule for the rest of the season: at Houston, Washington, at Chicago, Jacksonville, at Carolina, Tampa Bay, Tennessee, Minnesota, at Indianapolis, New Orleans, at Green Bay. I'm telling you, they could go winless. Stay tuned at the Lions chase history!

The Chicago Bears coaching staff. I don't mean to go all Bill Walton here, but what were they thinking? Were they thinking?! Scoring a go-ahead TD with 11 seconds left in the game has to rank pretty high on the NFL Head Coach's Wish List, but apparently Lovie and the Gang don't go for standard wishery. Since they were apparently still wetting themselves over Jerious Norwood's 85-yard kickoff return, Da Coaches decided to have Robbie Gould squib kick the ball to the Falcons. This helped limit the return to only 10 yards, but it also gave the Falcons the ball on their own 44-yard line. On the ensuing pass play, the Bears employed a soft zone in the secondary, which allowed Michael Jenkins to catch a 26-yard pass and get out of bounds with one second left on the clock. Quick quiz: What's the one thing you don't want your team to do in a situation like this? Answer: That. Yet it happened. Why not set up the defense to force Atlanta to throw it into the middle of the field? They complete a pass, you tackle the reciever, the clock runs out, game over. That's all it would have taken to secure a victory. A monkey would realize that after playing 20 minutes worth of Madden. A brain-damaged monkey. With hemmoroids.

I should also point out that earlier in the fourth quarter, the Bears were stuffed on third-and-one and fourth-and-one when Lovie Smith ran his favorite goal line play: UP THE MIDDLE. I think opposing teams have probably figured that one out, Lovie. You might want to come up with an alternative play that doesn't suck. I know NFL coaches are supposed to have a chart that tells them what they're supposed to do in various situations. Well, the Bears coaches must have a chart that just says FAIL. Do you hear that sound, Lovie? It's everybody laughing at you. And I do mean everybody.


The Chicago Bears defense. There's nowhere left for these guys to hide. The Bears are 3-3, and all three losses can be blamed on the defense. They gave up double-digit fourth-quarter leads to the Panthers and Bucs, and then they couldn't hold a lead for six seconds against the Falcons (that's how much time was left after the kickoff return). And although they managed to hold Michael Turner in check, the Chicago D let rookie quarterback Matt Ryan (301 yards, 23-for-30, 1 TD and a 116.1 QB rating) carve them up. Oh, and Roddy White (9 receptions, 112 yards and a TD) couldn't have evaded them more successfully if he'd been trained in the deadly arts of the Ninja.

JaMarcus Russell. The Raiders were so inspired by their recent change in leadership that they came out and got sandblasted 34-3 by the Saints. On the bright side, THEY DID SCORE FIRST. And first blood tastes so sweet. Unless, that is, it's washed down with the bitter flavor of godawful quarterback. Russell completed only 37 percent of his passes (13-for-35) for 159 yards. He was sacked twice, intercepted once, fumbled once and finished with a QB rating of 40.1. That's a full 55 points lower than Detroit's Dan Orlovsky, by the way. And that, my friend, is nature's way of saying...


Javon Walker: He had one catch for seven yards yesterday. On the season, he has a grand total five catches for only 59 yards. This seems like as good a time as any to mention that, in March, Walker signed a six-year, $55 million free agent contract with Oakland. That deal includes $27 million in the first three years and $16 million guaranteed. Money well spent, Mr. Davis. Money well spent. Now, can I interest you in a time machine that will allow you to return to a time when your team wasn't a worthless mockery? I'll totally give you "buddy rates."

The Carolina Panthers. In my weekly picks, I said that the Carolina had become the Ferris Bueller of the NFL. Well, on Sunday against the Bucs, they were more like Ferris' friend Cameron. The Panthers lowlights includes Jake Delhomme's three INTs and 38.6 QB rating, DeAngelo Williams's 27 yards on 11 carries, and a defensive effort that saw Jeff Garcia (15-for-20, 173 yards, 1 TD, 117.3 QB rating) and Warrick Dunn (115 yards on 22 rushes) take turns bitchslapping them. All I know is, it's bad when JaMarcus Russell watches highlights of your game and asks, "Hey, anybody know if we're playing the Panthers this season?"

Jake Delhomme, quote machine. What did he make of his team's 27-3 fail-a-palooza against the Bucs? "I don't know if its a wake-up call. We got beat. Very simply, we didn't play well and they played well." Thanks for that, Jake. I didn't get it before, but now? I totally get it.

Ken Whisenhunt/icing the kicker. The Cardinals blocked a Nick Folk field goal that gave them a 24-21 win as time expired...wait, what? Whisenhunt called a timeout that nullified the blocked kick? Because he wanted to ice the kicker?! Boy, karma really is a bitch, huh? Folk was so iced by the timeout that he nailed a 52-yarder and sent the game to overtime. The Cardinals still won, thanks to a blocked punt that was returned for a touchdown, but still. Icing the kicker is one of the lamest gimmicks in the NFL. It's right up there with calling them a poopyhead or insulting their mother. Why not try something really effective, like sending them a good luck card that says, "Ha, ha, just kidding. YOU ARE A LOSER."

Packers drama. After a sort-of-but-not-really impressive win over NFC West's new doormat (now that the Rams have a more recent victory), it's time to bask in the unrivaled hyperbole of a Green Bay victory. According to the Associated Press: "Aaron Rodgers turned his sprained shoulder into a lesson for any Packers who may still be missing his predecessor. The first-year starter is showing grit and leadership that would make Brett Favre proud." To this point, Favre and his agent have neither confirmed nor denied this assessment, probably because they're too busy being all proud and stuff.

Rodgers, however, read these comments and nodded knowingly during his postgame press conference. "Everybody plays with injuries in this league. But to not practice for two weeks, to not throw the ball at all, I'm proud the way I was able to play today," Rodgers said with a shy smile and a large crocodile tear flowing down his chiseled cheak. "Hopefully it shows my teammates that I will put my body on the line for them and I care about them a lot, that come Sunday I'm going to give it all I can." He then rushed from the podium and overturned a burning car to save a burlap sack full of adorable kittens that were trapped within. "It was just adrenaline," Rodgers said. "I'm sure anybody else capable of unthinkable feats of superhuman strength, stamina and will power would have done the same thing. All I did was risk life and limb to rip the door of a car that was totally on fire. It was nothing." Stand back, kids. It's...


Note: The FutureMrs has promised "a SUPER JUMBO-SIZED Worst of the Weekend for the AFC tomorrow that includes MNF!" Just FYI. Trust me, it'll be worth the wait.

Labels: Carolina Panthers, Chicago Bears, Detroit Lions, icing the kicker, idiot kickers, Ken Whisenhunt, NFC, Worst of the Weekend