Rod Marinelli. You just KNEW this was coming. With Matt Millen finally exorcized from the Detroit front office, it was Marinelli who was tossed under the bus yesterday following the Lions' 34-7 loss to the Bears. Which you also knew was coming. "I don't look in the future. I'm going to get up tomorrow and go to work," said a shell-shocked Marinelli in the post-game press conference. Aw, but Rod, your name is so tasty-sounding! Anyway, I wouldn't be a bit surprised to see Marinelli fired within the week. Which is grossly unfair, really. Look at the Lions' roster. The combined forces of Ganesh, Jean Gray, Stephen Hawkings, and Scrubbing Bubbles Cleaning Power (TM) couldn't go 8-8 with this team. There is, quite simply, no there there.

The Detroit Lions. I... yeah. No sense kicking 'em when they're down. What kind of terrible website would waste its time making fun of bad football teams?

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BAHAHAHAHA oh my god the Lions suck so much I just don't even know where to start. Memo to Jon Kitna: Thou art old. Please retire. Your Pal, God.

Nooooo I dropped my ice cream cone! I JUST BOUGHT IT!!


The Green Bay defense. The NFL is going to have to start a support group for Team Defenses That Got Mowed The Fuck Down By Michael Turner And Roddy White (TDTGMTFDBMT&RW). The latest victims of this year's super-ninja Falcons are the Packers, who've suffered a boatload of injuries to their secondary (and elsewhere on defense) that were painfully evident yesterday.

Aaron Rodgers, quote machine. Describing the decision (with coach Mike McCarthy) to play despite a troublesome shoulder, Rodgers said, "I think Mike wanted to look into my eyes and see if I wanted to play, and I told him, 'I want the ball. I want to be out there. Then I just knew I was going to have to deal with the pain.' " OH MY GOD. Look, Aaron, I know that the Pack leads the league in pointless hyperbole and excess emotion surrounding their quarterbacks, but you're not James Freaking Van Der Beek, ok?


Deion Branch. Saaaad trombone. After a lengthy recovery from off-season foot surgery, Branch was all set to make his 2008 debut for the Seahawks... only to get injured in the first half following a less-than-swoonworthy 3-catch, 31-yard performance. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WALKING OUT ON THE PATRIOTS YOU BUM. Uh, I mean, it's always tragic and stuff when a great athlete falls victim to the endless cycle of injury and recovery that so frequently derails even the most promising careers, and stuff.

The Seattle offense. Said Julian Peterson following the humiliating 44-6 loss to the Giants: "We can't point any fingers after this one." Well, Julian, by all means allow me. Let's look at the numbers, shall we? The Seahawks managed only 13 first downs in the entire game... 4 of which came on penalties. They converted 1 of 11 third downs. They returned 8 kickoffs and only scored twice. They averaged 3.7 yards per offensive play. THEY ONLY GAINED 187 YARDS IN THE ENTIRE GAME. Christ on a pogo stick, Seattle! That's ineptitude of truly staggering levels. They may only have had the ball for 23:32, but the real problem wasn't inability to control the ball -- it was inability to do anything, anywhere, at any point, of any offensive value. Hey, Seattle, if I gave you a turkey sandwich, what would you do with it? Would you pull it apart and throw the turkey unceremoniously on the ground? Try and make a fort using the tomato slices as a roof? Perhaps examine the mayonnaise for signs of sentient life? Because I refuse to believe you'd actually manage to figure out how to eat it.

The Seattle defense. Aww, what the hey. I have two pointin' fingers! Eli Manning looked like Joe Goddamn Montana yesterday, and that just ain't right. Yes, Seattle's offense proved stupendously incapable of, like, moving the ball forwards (which I hear is an important part of football), but the defense let New York string together a monstrous 523-yard, 5-TD, 44-point campaign in which Manning The Younger averaged ten freaking yards per passing play. Without Plaxico Burress. I just... I just... gahhhhh. Indefensible!

The Philadelphia Eagles. Mercy! Don't hold back, NFL.com. Tell us what you really think: "Washington's victory over Philadelphia was a mugging in which the Redskins rang up 23 unanswered points and bulldozed the Eagles' defense in a bare-knuckle pummeling that should humble its rival." I mean. The Eagles did only lose 23-17 to a Jim Zorn-led Redskins team that's been surprising everyone en route to a comfy 4-1 record. Then again, they also blew a 14-0 first-quarter lead. The Skins ran an absolute beast of a running game (44 rushing plays total) that stymied the Philly defense (previously top-ranked against the rush) and let them dominate the game from the second quarter on. So, um, bare-knuckle mugging and all that. All I'll point out is that if this was a mugging, the Giants-Seahawks game was a triple homicide committed during attempted grand theft auto combined with kidnapping WHILE LOITERING IN A NO LOITERING ZONE.


Brian Westbrook's ribs. Ouchies! Westbrook injured himself in the opening drive during yesterday's game; an MRI after the game revealed that he had fractured two of his ribs. Westbrook had just returned from a sprained ankle sustained a couple of weeks back against the Steelers. Could it be that Westbrook is competing with Deion Branch for Creampuff Receiver Status? Stay tuned!!

The Kansas Chiefs. Wow. That bubble lasted about as long as a box of donuts at a cop convention. Immediately following a surprise victory over the Denver Broncos, the Chiefs plummeted back down to their usual status as "football joke punchline" by becoming the very first team to get shut out this year. In a magnificent gesture of futility, Tony Gonzalez set the record for career receiving yards for a TE following a 6-yard catch in the 1st quarter. He certainly wasn't feeling too celebratory, though, calling the game "the worst I've ever been involved with, in my professional career." Now now, Tony. Let's not say things we can't take... oh, right. Carry on.

Larry Johnson. Two yards rushing, eh, Larry? Your "percentage owned" in fantasy leagues across America just became "percentage pwned."

The San Francisco defense. Despite a perfectly respectable 21-point effort from JT O'Sullivan & Sons, the Niners' defensive unit let a still-working-the-kinks-out New England offense control the ball for a whopping 39:52 -- including 32 minutes in the first 3 quarters alone. Matt Cassel threw for 259 yards despite 2 interceptions, and the Pats were able to convert 8 of 17 3rd downs plus a 4th down while racking up 30 points on 80 total plays. Cassel was sacked 5 times and yet still had all kinds of time to inch the ball down the field while grinding away at the SF defense. Doesn't anyone WANT to win the NL NFC West??

OH COME ON THEY'RE NOT EVEN TRYING

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7 Comments:
Blogger DDC said...
Future Mrs. you were cold, harsh, and very scathing in this post....and I loved every word of it!!!!! The Detroit Lions are making a strong run at 0-16 and I am seriously thinking about placing a bet on their chances.

Blogger DDC said...
Future Mrs, you were cold, harsh, and very scathing in this post....and I loved every word of it!!!!! The Detroit Lions are making a strong run at 0-16 and I am seriously thinking about placing a bet on their chances.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
since when do the Niners play in the NL West. Haha fucker.

Yours truely,
God

Anonymous Anonymous said...
How do you separate your teams in the 'Worst of the NFL' posts? the Kansas City Chiefs are in the AFC and Dallas is in the NFC.

Oh my goodness... how embarrassing! Yeah, I'm totally thinking baseball right now -- my team being in the playoffs and all that :)

It's fixed.

Call me a fucker again, though, and I will demonstrate a considerably less tolerant attitude.

Oh, and Second Anonymous: if you read the Weekend Picks, you'll see that we try to divide up the games according to conference and then split the inter-conference games -- this week, for example, I got the Panthers/Chiefs and Patriots/49ers games. It's not a perfect system, but it does make it easier to figure out who's doing what.

Anonymous Pistonsgirl4life said...
I thought the NL West comment was a witty baseball metaphor... otoh because I'm a Tigers fan I've only cared about baseball in the slightest for like 5 months.... in the past ummm... 22 years or something...

Anyways, animosity towards future mrs whatever that baseball guy's name is isn't being very fair, this was some funny writting, i laughed out loud at least 4-5 times and i NEVER laugh out loud at work..

Final note however, considering what you've written and your explaination that sometimes you like to throw a curveball based on an "Epic Fail performance (see the Saints)"... i will tolerate NO LESS than a Lions second place finish in this weeks NFC Reverse Power Rankings... don't be a hater ma'am!