So the bad news, as you no doubt already noted, is that I totally didn't have time to make my picks this weekend. I had a mini-tour with the band I sing for this weekend, and the first time I had a chance to even think about football was when I turned on Bills/Jets at the half on Sunday afternoon... and then realized, with a sinking feeling, that I hadn't set the roster for a single one of my 4 fantasy teams. Awesome! Quarterbacks are overrated, anyway.

The good news, natch, is that my ceasing to pay attention to it did not in anyway cause the NFL to stop being hilariously terrible in every way imaginable. It's probably a good thing that the AFC duties fell to Matt this weekend, since I already blew out a capillary in my eye screaming at the television during the 4th quarter of the Colts/Patriots game and would probably end up chucking my laptop out a moving car window if I attempted to write about it. On, then, to How the Other Half Sucks!

Bears quarterbacks. By now, we're all aware that Kyle Orton was carted off the field with what was later revealed to be a high ankle sprain. Fortunately, Rex Grossman was there to save the day! And by "save the day" I mean "go 9-for-19 with 58 yards and an interception in the second half." Which I don't think is what people usually mean when they say "save the day." The nuances of football language sometimes escape me. I'd express more sympathy for Chicago fans, but they had to know their team was headed nowhere fast anyway. If the Return of the Rex is what was needed to drive the point home, then so be it.

Dan Orlovsky. The sad thing is, Danny boy actually threw a relatively good, accidental-safety-free game, completing 28 of 47 attempts for 292 yards and 2 touchdowns. But Orlovsky just couldn't come up when it counted. Not only did he cough up interceptions on Detroit's first two possessions of the game, but he had a chance to win the game with a pass to Calvin Johnson in the end zone as time expired... only to see said pass batted away like an irritating fruit fly by Bears safety Kevin Payne. THE DAUNTE CULPEPPER ERA GROWS NIGH!

The Lions', like, will to live. I don't know how else to describe the kind of football mentality that can rack up a 23-point second quarter and then STILL find a way to blow the game against a grossly (get it?) inept second-string quarterback. Like, if the Lions were a teenage girl, this is when I would start looking for angsty poetry scrawled on the back of their binder and noticing them listening to a lot of Elliot Smith. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR, DETROIT!!

[checks divisional standings]

Oh. Um, well, suicide's still not the answer, or something.

"Aw come on, man... just a little?"
"No way, dude... get your own."

The Texans' O-line. Not only did they let Jared Allen get in a hit that sent Matt Schaub out with a knee injury, but they allowed poor Sage Rosenfels to get sacked on two consecutive plays with two minutes left when they were down by only 7, thus forcing a turnover on downs. Seriously, the recap of this entire game should be in italics just to drive home how terribly failtastic it was. Note that it was Allen who got both sacks on Rosenfels as well. I hear he later snuck into the Texans' locker room, ate their entire buffet, drew mustaches on everyone in the team picture, and then drove home in Chester Pitts' car.

The Texans' defense. Not only did their tiresome "everybody in the box" strategy allow Gus Frerotte to throw for 182 yards and 3 TDs on just 11 completed passes, but they ultimately got worn down by the one man they were desperately attempting to stop and got lit up by Adrian Peterson for 139 yards and a TD.

Ahman Green. And now, in news that will no doubt shock and astound you all: Ahman Green is injured.

The Jim Haslett Renaissance. Yep, I'd say back-to-back losses are more than sufficient to cancel out the little flurry of Rams-related excitement that two earlier surprise victories generated. The cutthroat Cardinals offense notched a 24-point second quarter (they're like the Lions, only they win!) and held onto the ball for more than 38 minutes en route to a decisive 34-13 whomping of the hapless Rams. Seriously, a toddler pushing one of those things with the little balls that hop around inside could dominate this year's NFC West... the Rams had a chance to make things interesting against 'Zona, and chose instead to fold like so many napkins in a picnic basket. And, truly, that shouldn't surprise you at all.

Steven Jackson. Many people blamed the Rams' loss to New England last week on the absence of their star running back. In a spectacular gesture of futility, Jackson returned this week for a colossally underwhelming 17 yards on 7 carries. Note that this still made him the game's leading rusher for the Ra... oh, no, wait, the leading rusher would be Marc Bulger, who only had 3 carries AND IS THE QUARTERBACK but still managed 32 yards. Jackson sat out for the majority of the second half amid thunderous booing from St. Louis fans, but returned briefly in the 3rd quarter to drop a sure touchdown pass and cement his status as this week's Bawfulmeister. Bravo, Mr. Jackson!

The Cowboys' offense. With Tony Romo and fiery rookie Felix Jones both out, I don't think anyone expected Dallas to play a particularly dominant offensive game. But the 'Boys only manage 183 total yards gained and had 4 turnovers on the day. Brutal.

Dallas quarterbacks. Again: Romo out, lowered expectations, yadda yadda yadda. Still, even with expectations lowered as they were, I don't think anyone expected Brad Johnson to toss 2 picks on just 11 attempts... nor, I'm sure, did they expect Johnson to then be replaced by Brooks Bollinger (who possibly also owns a haberdashery on the side) and send up another interception on his very first throw of the game. The Johnson/Bollinger show managed just 134 gross passing yards combined (102 net yards) and gave away 67 yards on interception returns. So, all in all they gave their team 35 yards. Spectacular.

The Oakland Raiders. Just when you thought that we surely MUST have exhausted all the bawful there was to be had in this dreadful weekend, we arrive at the Raiders/Falcons game recap just in time to welcome the Raiders to this season's Shutout Society, as Oakland joins the Kansas City Chiefs in said elite club following a 24-0 loss to Atlanta. And oh, ye gods and little fishies, was this game awful. Truly, I nearly died laughing from just a few moments of perusing the stats for this game. A brief sampling of the unintentional comedy contained therein:

JaMarcus Russell: 6/19, 31 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT

Justin Fargas (supposedly now the team's #1 back): 6 carries for 23 yards

Michael Bush (yes, he's a running back): 3 rushing attempts for -2 (!) yards + 3 receptions for 15 yards = 13 total yards on 6 plays

First-round draft pick Darren McFadden: 60 total minutes of warming the bench with his ass and working on his LaDainian Tomlinson impression

Total possession time by the Raiders: 15:45

The Seattle offense. The sad-sack Seahawks got off to a promising start, outscoring the Iggles 7-0 in the first quarter on a near-miraculous 90-yard touchdown pass to Koren Robinson (the longest play from scrimmage in Seattle's history)... and then proceeded to go scoreless for the entire rest of the game. In fact, Seneca Wallace only managed to lead his team into Philadelphia territory twice more the entire rest of the game. The 'Hox wound up punting 11 freaking times, including 7 three-and-out punts, and only gained 143 total yards on the 54 plays following Robinson's TD. And the worst thing is? I can't even laugh. It's that damn Seattle vibe, man. Shit just makes me depressed. Gahh!

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Blogger lordhenry said...
Wow, a blogger, and in a band?! This lady is talented. Sorry about the pats, I really hate them, but look at the bright side: they have yet to truly collapse, and they could still be in the playoffs. At least YOUR second stringer isn't REX GROSSMAN, about whom I will now have to read countless "Rex Saves the Day" articles from people who dont seem to remember him self-sacking during the super bowl. Now THAT was assholery.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
I'm still amazed you guys all have busy lives and you maintain this. I can definitely wait for worst of AFC

and I am saddened as I dont see a team going 0-14 (my dolphins were 0-13 last yr before the win) Culpepper will lead the furry kitties to a victory

Anonymous AK Dave said...
The Calvin and Hobbes pics were great- made my day; nicely done, miss.