Drew Brees. Holy mole-y! (Sorry.) Brees has been near-perfect all season, but he simply couldn't get it together against Julius Peppers and the fearsome Panthers defense on Sunday. He threw an interception (only his 7th of the season) right into the arms of one Kenyatta Cornelius Lucas (yes, that's really his name. Isn't that awesome?) and was just 21-for-39 in passing attempts on the day. Brees still posted 36 more passing yards than his counterpart Jake Delhomme, but Delhomme managed 2 touchdown passes and Brees managed, well, none. Sad for him!


Reggie Bush's knee. Just a day before his team was set to depart for England to meet with the Chargers, Bush injured his beleaguered knee (on a punt return, of all things) towards the end of the first half; it was announced that he will be out for 3-4 weeks. With LT under-performing due to this mysterious "turf toe" ailment (it's like having a green thumb, only instead of making you grow beautiful flowers and fresh tasty vegetables it makes you wither the souls of all those poor schmucks who wasted a 1st-round draft pick on you), I'd say this planned London match-up is going south about as quickly as some famous bridge I hear is also falling down.

Jeremy Shockey. I've been known to be a Shockey apologist in the past, but fie upon him (fie, I say!) for his miserable and, sadly, all-too-characteristic antics on Sunday. Clearly upset following a fumble that led to a TD for hotshot Panthers rookie Jonathan Stewart, Shockey fumed that he felt "60% worse" following the game and blamed his struggles on the way the Saints have handled his injury. Hey, Jeremy: in the real world, people can't just kiss your boo-boos and make them go away. It's on you to communicate your needs like a grown-ass man and conduct yourself as though you were getting paid to keep your body in top condition -- which, come to think of it, you are. Shockey veered from merely self-pitying and into...

Jeremy Shockey, Quote Machine territory when he called his performance "embarrassing because I have a reputation I want to uphold." Really, Jeremy? I'm fairly certain that your reputation is that of "attention whore-ish crybaby and borderline locker room cancer who babies his injuries and then whines at the way his team plays without him." And frankly, Jeremy, I think you're doing an admirable job of upholding THAT reputation.

Saints vs. Steve Smith. Counting yesterday, Panthers wideout Steve Smith has a total of 47 carries for 604 yards and 7 TDs in his last 7 games against New Orleans. Yesterday, Smith eluded double coverage for a 39-yard TD pass from Jake Delhomme. Smith is a good player, obviously, but he just runs circles around this Saints defense. Actually, no. He runs fly routes and post routes around them. Running circles around them would just be silly.

Defense in the NFC North. All told, these four snooze-worthy teams game up a total of 131 points yesterday -- an average of nearly 33 points per game. Special credit, though, is due to colossal underachievers Minnesota and Chicago, whose game alone was responsible for 89 of those points. Way to ruin the curve, Green Bay!

Gus Frerotte. Four. Freaking. Interceptions. There's just no excuse, Gus. Your star running back ran his ass off for 121 rushing yards (!) and 2 touchdowns, and here you are chucking it into the arms of the first Chicago defender to flash you a smile. Get with the program, son! Remember that tubby little mouse in Cinderella who almost gets his friend eaten alive by the cat because he's so busy running around like a dipshit trying to stuff his face with corn? His name was Gus too. So, like, put down the damn corn and come help the Vikings get that dress ready for the ball! Or something.


Vikings special teams. Minny's "special" kids let up 2 TDs on Sunday. The first came when Chris Kluwe dropped a snap, had his punt blocked, and then attempted an illegal kick that was promptly snatched up by Garrett Wolfe and returned 17 yards to the end zone. (The Perfect Storm of special team ineptitude, really. Or "Spineptitude," as I like to call it.) The second came thanks to defensive back Charles Gordon, who was attempting to block Bears rookie Zackary Bowman: the ball hit him, bounced into the end zone, and was recovered by Bowman for another TD. It's like if the 3 Stooges tried to play football, only with less two-fingered eye-poking and more sucking at football.


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The Boston Red Sox; any and all affiliated hopes and/or dreams. :(

The San Francisco O-line. Oh man. I warned you that this game would be sack-tacular. But even I couldn't have imagined that hapless 'Niners QB R.J. O'Flannery would get sacked 6 times for a total of 38 yards lost. It's a shame, too -- O'Moynahan certainly outpassed his counterpart Eli Manning, earning 256 gross passing yards on 16 completions (12 of which were for 1st downs). Seriously, though, this O-linehan has more holes in it than a pair of fishnet stockings at a strip club. They better get their game together with a quickness, or Sack Sack O'Sackisack will not be long for this world.



The Cowboys' defense. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you, 2008 NFL Season, for rewarding us each week with at least one upset of such failtacular proportions that the sun itself shines just a little bit brighter in the skies. This week, on Failterpiece Theater: The Dallas D gets lit the fuck up by Marc Bulger's Rams for 34 points -- including 21 in the first quarter alone. Steven Jackson had 25 (!) carries for 160 yards (!!) and 3 TDs (!!!) as the Boys' defenders acted like a bunch of morons playing Madden who pick the damn blitz play every time. 5 sacks on the day is all well and good, Dallas, but not when you're getting made to look like fools by one of the worst teams around.

Brad Johnson. Like Matt Cassel before him, poor Brad is finding out that the Drew Bledsoe effect is a one-way street. It's certainly not fair to pin all the blame for the Cowboys' loss on him, given that the defense was giving it up like a 14-year-old at a Jack Johnson concert, but BJ (ahahaha) was 17-for-34 with 3 INTs and 3 sacks on the day. That was good for a 45.5 passer rating, which still couldn't have felt nearly as bad as getting passed over in favor of Tarvaris Jackson.

The Lions' defense. Sweet Speedy Gonzalez! Not only did this hapless defense (for Christmas, I think I'm going to start a drive to raise some hap for the Lions. Seriously) let the Texans (the freaking Texans, mind you, who are not the kind of team that should be winning back-to-back games) jump out to a 14-point lead in the first quarter (the Lions have been outscored 54-0 in the first quarter so far this season), but they let their undoubtedly thrilled opponents (how are you liking these parenthetical asides so far? I could go on...) control the ball for more than 40 minutes. What's even sadder is that, despite having the ball for less than a third of the game, the Lions still managed to score 21 points... indicating that, were their defense not quite so miserably inept, this Detroit team might actually have pulled out a win and salvaged themselves from their status as Absolute Football Zero. Alas, it was not in the cards.

Seneca Wallace. Seattle's backup QB/wide receiver/hot dog selling guy made his first start in 2 years for the Seahawks and looked nothing short of worthless as he only managed to pass for 73 yards on the night. Sad for him!

The Seahawks' defense. Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse than the Lions' D, here come the C-Hox to let Jeff Garcia and his Bucs hold on to the ball for over 42 minutes. You know, in my keepers league, we have a rule that team owners get penalized for deliberately tanking games. If Seattle were in my league, they'd definitely be under suspicion right now. A 5-year-old kid could play keep-away with these dummies.


****************SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT EDITION: FOOTBAWESOME!****************
Yes, I made my first pilgrimage EVER to Gillette Stadium last night to see my beloved Patriots stomp all over the hapless Denver defense (seriously, there must be a league shortage of hap) and join in the cheering as Andre Tippet (!) was honored at halftime. I won't say that I went totally nuts with my outfit, but I will share the following picture this you:


It's fitting that, on this wonderful night, I not only got to see my team win (!!!), but was treated to some of the bawfulest bawful that ever bawffed. Muchas gracias, Denverinos! On to:

The Broncos' defense. Unlike the Lions and Seahawks games, the issue here wasn't letting the other team control the ball. It was, well, everything else. Matt Cassel looked positively Brady-like as he completed 18 of 24 for 185 yards and 3 (!) TDs, the Patriots mysteriously discovered something called a "running game" (whatever that is) and rushed for 257 yards on the night, Randy Moss came back to life... and these Broncos weren't doing a damn thing about it. They weren't able to force a single turnover on the night. We've all known, mind you, that Denver's defense has more gaps than a hockey player's smile, but seriously? New England hasn't run the ball since like 1999. What's your excuse, Denver?

Jay Cutler. As though to add insult to injury, not only did the Broncos find a way to help Matt Cassel channel his inner Drew Brees, but Jay Cutler simultaneously elected to channel his inner Gus Frerotte, chucking up 2 INTs to a New England defense that many had left for dead following last weekend's whomping at the hands of the Chargers.

Matt Cassel, [Boring] Quote Machine. In what I can only assume was a nod to the hours of PBS he undoubtedly spent watching as a kid, Cassel mused, "I'd like to think that I continue to grow each and every week" following the game. I think they used to end every episode of Reading Rainbow with that very line. Later, he let fly an "Oh goodness!" when commenting on his team's spectacular rushing performance. Seriously, it's like Anne of Green Gables gave a press conference to read from her diary. Outspoken players have always been frowned upon under the Belichick regime, but this is borderline ridiculous. Someone get this kid a personality!

OH GOODIE!

Labels: FOOTBAWESOME, NFC, using Disney movies to explain football, Worst of Monday Night Football, Worst of the Weekend