That's right, Eric. You're the best team in Ohio. Congratulations.
1. The Cincinnati Bengals. They lost the Battle of Ohio to a Browns team that couldn't find its game with Mapquest directions and a GPS device. And Carson Palmer wanted absolutely no part of it. Which brings us to our first demotivational poster of the day:
2. The Cleveland Browns. Good news: First win! Bad news: No more games against Cincinnati until December 21. SAD FACE. Bonus quote from Romeo Crennel, regarding his team's stirring triumph over the Bungles: "We grew up a little." Yeah. Kind of like how Sloth from The Goonies "grew up a little."
3. The Houston Texans. When the definitive book on Houston's 2008 season is written, one of the highlights will be "We almost beat the Jaguars!" And all I can say about that is...
4. The Kansas City Chiefs. Snapping that 12-game losing streak has to be like escaping a maximum security prison where your cellmate had forced you to go by the name of "Sweetie Peachybutt." [Shudders] You know, when you think about it, the Chiefs are only a handful of 200-yard rushing performances by Larry Johnson away from winning three or four games this season. If that happens -- and it's still a pretty big "if" -- I bet Herm Edwards' victory cheer will totally outclass Jim Zorn's.
5. The Oakland Raiders. Finally! The Lane Kiffin has ended! I bet the Raiders will be really good now! And Batman and Robin totally weren't gay lovers! Uh...right?!
Okay, then. Moving on...
6. The Miami Dolphins. I think it's absolutely adorable how hard the Ronnie Brown owners have been trying to move him since he diced up the Patriots run defense. However, I cannot and will not accept living in a world where Brown is a certified five-touchdown threat. That bubble is gonna burst and I want to be there when it does. I bet it's filled with delicious meat products.
7. The New England Patriots. The bye week changed nothing. Matt Cassel is still their starting quarterback. For Randy Moss, that fact has to be like being in one of those Nightmare on Elm Street movies where the frightened teen wakes up from a dream in which he or she almost got killed only to find out that they're still dreaming and are, in fact, about to be killed. Sorry, Randy. There's no escape this season. The same goes for you, Randy Moss fantasy owners.
8. The Indianapolis Colts. Speaking of recurring nightmares, will the Colts defensive line ever stop the run? Let's ask President Bush: "I see progress. You know, I've heard people say, 'Oh, you know, he's just kind of optimistic for the sake of optimism.' Well, look, I believe we're going to succeed." Well, there you have it. And this dude has never been wrong before.
9. The Jacksonville Jaguars. They clawed and scratched their way to 2-2 on the strength of a couple Josh Scobee field goals. Woo. Hoo. Honestly? I'm about as impressed with these guys as Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was with David Blaine.
10. The Baltimore Ravens. Watching them cough up that 10-point lead to a patchwork Steelers team in less than half-a-minute sure took the shine over their previously undefeated record...which featured wins over the Bengals and Browns. See where I'm going with this?
11. The New York Jets. Brett Favre got his "Fuck you, Packers!" game out of the way on Sunday: A career-high six TD passes while Aaron Rodgers was getting dismembered in Tampa. Don't you love watching karma unfold in front of you? Which brings us to today's second demotivational poster:
12. The Pittsburgh Steelers. The good news: They're leading their division and are tied for the second-best record in the AFC despite a porous offensive line, a starting QB who's getting beaten worse than a Buzkashi game ball, and the fact that they're down to their fourth string running back. The bad news: See above.
13. The Denver Broncos. The league's 2nd ranked offense (33.3 PPG) is being cruelly betrayed by the 29th ranked defense (29.3 PPG allowed). That makes the Broncos, like, the Golden State Warriors of the NFL. Seriously, do the Denver defensive players leave their car doors unlocked and the keys in the ignition? If somebody was robbing their homes, would they just sit back and watch it happen? I want to know these things.
14. The San Diego Chargers. Tomlinson and the Chargers are really picking up steam. Must've been those Taco Bell burritos. Does it every time.
15. The Buffalo Bills. [Stunned silence] Am I reading this correctly? [More stunned silence] Did I actually write this?! Whoa. Quick reality check: Take a look at Buffalo's schedule to date: Seahawks, Jags, Raiders and Rams. That's one semi-legit game out of four. Feel me?
16. The Tennessee Titans. This might be the early season surprise. Who knew they were one Vince Young mental breakdown and the corresponding Kerry Collins takeover away from being the best team in the AFC? That doesn't sound even remotely right, does it?