BUBBA CHOMP!! BUBBA CHEWY CHOMP!!
The Cleveland Browns. The Brownies followed up last week's hope-lifting win in Buffalo by scoring only 6 points in a home loss to the Houston Texans, proving once again that -- say it with me, people! -- they are who we thought they were. It was the Texans' first win in their last nine road games. "There's no explanation for it," Cleveland running back Jamal Lewis said, ignoring the obvious but totally correct "We really, really suck" explanation.

Brady "Maybe he's not the answer after all" Quinn was 8-for-18 for 94 yards and two interceptions before getting yanked in favor of the previously dethroned Derek Anderson...who went 5-for-14 for 51 yards (but only 1 INT!). Romeo Crennel, who looks more dazed and confused than a dog when you pretend to throw its favorite squeak toy but actually hide it behind your back instead, explained the QB switch thusly: "It was a combination of [Quinn's] decisions that could have been a little better and the injury to his finger. I decided to play the other guy for a little bit to see if that could give us a spark, and that didn't work either." If Romeo every writes a book about his head coaching career, I hope it's called "And That Didn't Work Either: My Time As A Total Failure In Cleveland."

Oh, and if you expected Quinn to be magnanimous about his benching, you'd better have your expectometer checked. Said the former Domer: "You would have to ask Coach why I was pulled. He was upset with a couple of decisions I made out there. I didn't have any idea that I was on such a short leash." He has a point. Romeo usually lets people suck for much longer than that before sitting them down. But that's because he's usually asleep on the sidelines.

The Kansas City Chiefs. Let's take a look at the box score: 21 first downs. That's good. 462 total yards. That's really good. 31 points. That's freaking fantastic! Unfortunately, they also gave up 444 yards and 54 points to the Bills. It was the most points any team has ever scored against the Chiefs, who committed 5 turnovers (2 interceptions and 3 lost fumbles) on their way to their 19th loss in the last 20 games, which is also a KC record...for the worst stretch in team history. It's kind of like in "Office Space" when Peter tells the shrink, "Every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life." For the Chiefs, every Sunday that they play is the worst Sunday in franchise history.

Herm Edwards, who's responsible for the embarrassing yellow puddle of suck the Chiefs have become, didn't sound too concerned after the game. When asked how his players would respond to the lastest in this long line of brutal humiliations, Herm said: "I anticipate they'll come to work Monday. They know what they did wrong. You've got to play smart and not turn the ball over and be careful with the fouls." That's some serious Zen there, Herm. Damn. It's like the man has become completely desensitized to human emotion. What would it take to rattle Edwards at this point? A giant space blog eating his entire team and spitting up the bones in his front yard?

By the way, if you need a Christmas gift idea for a down-on-his-luck friend, why not pick them up a copy of It's The Will, Not The Skill, a treatise on leadership as told by Herm Edwards. According to the official site: "A book for leaders: parents, teachers, coaches and managers who are building self-confidence and improving the performance of others. Principles and philosophies of SUCCESS as seen through the eyes, mind and heart of Herm Edwards, a recipe for becoming a success coach and achieving effective leadership skills." On second thought, don't give this book to the down-on-his-luck guy. Give it to a successful friend you'd like to take down a peg.

Read this book and prepare to forgeteverything you ever knew about winning.
The Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins, so sad and downtrodden these last few years, had an opportunity to make a statement at home against the Patriots and thereby put themselves in great position to possibly earn their first playoff berth since they didn't suck so incredibly much. How did they respond, you ask? By letting their division rivals steamroll them for 530 total yards and 48 points. They so meekly submitted to Matt Cassel's will that I wouldn't be surprised if Miami's defensive linemen let Cassel have an orgy with all their wives and baby mamas last night. 'Mazing Matt was 30-43 for 415 yards and 3 touchdowns. He also ran in a touchdown. And I bet you never expected someone to be able to utter the words "Matt Cassel is actually playing BETTER than Tom Brady" and be somewhat serious, did you? Said Randy Moss (125 yards, 3 TDs): "Matt is getting in the comfort zone. He's playing some hellified ball."

Speaking of Moss, he claimed that his performance was a response to the Dolphins immense disrespect, which was characterized by single coverage. "I don't know why Coach disrespected me like that. Any time I feel disrespected, then I want to go out there and make it happen. I think they disrespected me today by playing me single coverage and letting me have fun and do what I like to do -- and that's getting in that end zone." His words actually carry more weight than you might think. If there's anyone in the NFL who knows what it means to disrespect an opponent, it's Moss.

As if the 20-point loss wasn't bad enough, the 'Fins had a complete meltdown at the end of the game. Channing Crowder and the Patriots' Matt Light were ejected midway through the fourth quarter. Crowder lost his helmet when blocked by Light on a field-goal attempt and shoved Light, who responded by taking several swings at Crowder's head. Then, with less than three minutes left, Miami's Joey Porter was penalized for a personal foul and unsportsmanlike conduct.

Said Dolphins coach Tony Sparano: "It looked like a lack of poise. We did the things that young, immature teams do." Defensive linemen Vonnie Holliday and Jason Ferguson apologized the dickery. Said Holliday: "We didn't show much class at the end. What's so disappointing about this loss is not only were we beaten, but the way we handled the loss, especially at the end." He's not wrong.


The Tennessee Titans. It wasn't so much that they suffered their first loss of the season -- we all knew it was only a matter of time -- it was more about how it happened. Instead of close loss after an epic showdown, the Titans received a 34-13 butt-kicking in front of their home crowd.

And sure, the defense got chewed up by Brett Favre (25-for-32, 224 yards, 2 TDs) and the Thomas Jones/Leon Washington combo platter (178 total yards and 2 TDs), but the offense was the real culprit. Chris Johnson and LenDale White managed only 46 yards on 11 attempts (White had -1 yards on the day) and the Kerry's Krew only managed to hold onto the ball for 19 minutes (compared to 40 for the Jets). Titans fullback Ahmard Hall said: "It felt like we were on the sideline forever just watching Brett Favre play. The defense, I felt bad that we on offense couldn't get anything going and keep them off the field."

In the long run, the loss was a good thing. It'll gets the Perfect Record Monkey off their backs and will allow them to refocus. But, still, it was ugly.

The Denver Broncos. Losing 31-10 to the Raiders would have been an upset if the game had taken place on the moon, let alone Denver, where the Broncos used to be all but invincible. But they were very vincible yesterday. JaMarcus Russell had his best day as a pro (10-for-11, 152 yards, 1 TD and a QB rating of 149.1), Justin Fargas rushed for 107 yards and Darren McFadden added 2 TDs in the Raider Romp.

Said Broncos defensive end Ebenezer Ekuban: "The only thing we won tonight was the penalty battle. They had more penalties than we did. Other than that, they kicked our butts in every phase of the game." Yep. That pretty much sums it up. By the way, that scream of bewildered rage you heard last night was probably a Jay Cutler fantasy owner.

Norv Turner. Norv, Norv, Norv...I know you're an awful, terrible, ghastly coach. But did you really try to ice Adam Vinatieri? He's Adam freaking Vinatieri. Icing him is about as effective as praying to Xenu, alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy.

LaDanian Tomlinson. Rushing for 81 yards might not sound like an awful day, but when it's LT at home in a must-win game versus a Colts defense that let Steve Slaton run wild for 156 yards and a touchdown last week in Indy...well, there you have it. Tomlinson is, officially, no longer a force in the NFL.

We'll miss you, LT.

Labels: Worst of the Weekend