My oh my. Between Sunday and last night, it appears the NFL was determined to a) outdo itself in sheer bawfutility and b) make me look like an idiot for ever believing in any teams, ever. Except the Panthers. Rawr!

Naturally, I'd (foolishly!) expected the Eagles to be able to, like, win a football game when paired with a team that isn't, like, an actual football team. Again: foolish! Nor was redemption in the cards for the Bungles... nay, instead, the league had the first tie game of the year (the first tie since 2002, in fact) and everyone walked away a loser. Donovan McNabb went 28-58 (blech! BLECH!) with 3 interceptions (make it stop!) and a woeful lack of rulebook knowledge as TJ Houshmandzadeh ran his ass off for a Cincy team that, without him, managed only 133 total yards gained (yes, that's 16 yards fewer than Housh's receiving total). If I were Housh, I'd stop wasting my time being a sad tiger and start being a mad tiger.

42 yards on 23 goddamn carries, Cedric Benson? RARGH I WILL BITE YOU IN HALF WITH MY POWERFUL TIGER JAWS!

But fear not! By no means was Sunday's ineptitude confined to Paul Brown Stadium. On to the Kansas City Chiefs, in whom I had (foolishly!) placed my confidence headed into the weekend. And hey! Just like I predicted: Tyler Thigpen was, in all seriousness, a solid quarterback, completing 19 of 38 for 235 yards and 2 TDs as the Chiefs matched the Saints nearly yard-for-yard and possession-minute-for-possession-minute. Oh, except that Thigpen got sacked 4 times and the Saints managed to outscore the Chiefs 24-6 in the 2nd and 3rd quarters. Otherwise, great game all around. Really, guys. REMIND ME NEVER TO BELIEVE IN YOU AGAIN, KANSAS CITY.

Bah. I didn't even watch Miami beat Oakland, and I hope you didn't either. Only item of note from that game is that Miami more than doubled Oakland's net yardage (382 to the Raiders' 186) and still only had 2 more points on the day. Futility, thy name is Pennington. Also, Joey Porter had 1.5 sacks, which is more than 1 sack but less than 2 sacks.

Colts won, blah blah blah, no one was really surprised except for ME, since I had picked the Texans. Awesome. At least this game had things like "offense" and "positive yardage" and "not being terrible at football"... qualities sorely lacking in the weekend's other offerings. Good for you, AFC South.

Wait, no. I take that back. No game this weekend (Thursday aside, obviously) left me more frustrated than Sunday afternoon's Titans/Jaguars match-up. Jacksonville headed into the half with a 14-3 lead, only to return seemingly hell-bent on coughing it up in spectacular fashion as they let the Titans score 21 unanswered second-half points to seal the victory and a 10-0 record.

I'll level with you here, because I like you. It will actually, literally, kill me if the Titans go undefeated and win the Superbowl this year. Seriously. I will fucking drop dead in front of my television and my spirit will descend into the bowels of Football Hell, where I will undoubtedly be forced to watch some sort of eternal Raiders/Lions match-up until Kingdom Come. A friend this weekend asked me which would make me more upset: the Giants repeating as Superbowl champions, or the Titans pulling off 19-0. While I was pondering those dreadful options, he further suggested that this year's Superbowl could, conceivably, pair an 18-0 Titans team with the Giants. At this point, I passed out and woke up hours later in a cold sweat, unsure who I was or whether I could ever bring myself to watch football again.

In summary: as soon as the Titans lose a game, I will happily watch them play for the rest of the season. Until then: fuck you, Tennessee. And Jacksonville? You are beyond worthless and I hope you all get smallpox.

Are we done yet? Oh heavens no. We've arrived at the undisputed Worst Game of the Weekend: an 11-10 Steelers "victory" over San Diego punctuated by a flagrantly botched illegal forward pass call that overturned a last-minute Steelers touchdown. Ben Roethlisberger threw an outstanding game without managing a single (upheld) touchdown as San Diego floundered around with 23:29 of possession and severely anemic receiver coverage. The Chargers are now 1-5 on the road this season.

Not pictured: watchable football.

My god. What a crapfest Sunday was. Still groggy from the sheer horror of it all, I sat down to watch last night's game in the severely misguided hopes that a match-up of promising young AFC quarterbacks would prove a scintillating watch. Those hopes were shattered on the very first snap of the game, as a slumping Trent Edwards threw a pick (his first of 3) directly into the waiting mitts of Kamerion Wimbley. The Bills' efficiency on the ground and Braylon Edwards' apparent replacement with some sort of futuristic cyborg who can actually catch the ball would go on to partially redeem the game's watchability, but the night had nothing but heartbreak in store for Buffalo fans. With just 38 seconds remaining in the game, Buffalo's Rian Lindell headed in for a 47-yard field goal attempt that would have given the Bills a 1-point lead... rather than play the hero, though, he instead opted to play the part of Scott Norwood and send the ball careening wide right of the uprights. (I won't rub it in, Bills fans. Fuck the Giants.)

Cleveland would hold on for the 29-27 win (the first of Quinn's career). The Bills have now lost 4 straight games and effectively shattered the greasy, hot sauce-slathered dreams of their fans. (OK, so I rubbed it in a little. Just a little!)

Thank goodness for the week between games so that the NFL can all go home and THINK ABOUT WHAT IT'S DONE. Oh goodie! It's Steelers/Bengals on Thursday. That shouldn't be at all eye-gougingly, face-clawingly awful. If anyone needs me, I'll be watching curling.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...
You are dramatic.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
@ baddave yeah but thats why we love her. This weekend makes me almost glad I was working and not watching.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
"Futility, thy name is Pennington"

BITE YOUR TONGUE! Pennington is a greek god. If this were cleo lemon we'd be 2-8 right now

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
That half-sack picture kills me.

So does the thought of the 18-0 Titans vs. the Giants, if only because it'd be opportunity for Bill Simmons to write the funniest article ever, and for futuremrs to be kept in a straight jacket for a few weeks typing updates with a pencil in her mouth

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I feel like each week I see worse and worse football. Is it me or is it memorex?
What is ahead this week? Who the hell knows, but Thursday looks all kind of awesome.
I can only hope for the utter destruction of the Cowboys to make me happy. Jets too but that doesn't seem likely.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I hope for the sake of all that is good and holy someone else noticed this gem on the ESPN home page: headline reads "Romo reportedly takes homeless man to movies." Seriously Tony? Like, what the fuck?

Blogger lordhenry said...
So I guess that answers my question, sort've. You hate the giants more than anything, closely followed by the titans as long they are undefeated. Hope for your sake, Titans Giants doesn't happen......

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