Sorry, David. Beating Detroit only makes you
number one for me to go number two on.

Since the FutureMrs is apparently dying of the plague, you get one set of mini-rankings today. Hopefully we can get back on task next week.

1. Detroit Lions Zeroes: They're not going to win a game this season. Seriously. They're going to go 0-16. And I can't think of a better quarterback than Daunte Culpepper to lead them there.

2. Oakland Raiders: Jake Delhomme's epic meltdown was all they could have asked for...and they still couldn't finish within single digits of the Panthers. Maybe we should just change their team name to Detroit Lions of California.

3. St. Louis Rams: As long as they don't continue spotting their opponents 40-0 leads, they should be okay. And by "okay" I mean "they're going to lose the rest of their games."

4. Cincinatti Sad Tigers: Feeling better about 1-8 than any team in NFL history. And besides, it's all about perspective. Sure, they've lost seven games...but they're on a one-game winning streak. How's that for a glass half full, bitches?

5. San Francisco 49ers: Things have been crazy at work, so I mooned my co-workers and blamed Mike Martz for my bad decisions. Didn't work for me, either.

6. Kansas City Chiefs: The only reason Herm Edwards isn't on suicide watch right now is because the Chiefs still have games left against the Raiders and Bengals.

7. Seattle Seahawks: Matt Hasselbeck and Deion Branch returned to practice this week, giving the 'Hawks delusions of mediocrity.

8. Cleveland Browns: Jamal Lewis accused teammates of quitting during last week's come-from-ahead loss to the Ravens. Oh, wait. That loss was from two weeks ago. Last week's come-from-ahead loss was to the Broncos. My bad. Anyway, coach Romeo Crennel says the accusations of quitting reflect badly on him as a coach. And it's a darn shame that they're going to ruin an otherwise spotless reputation.

9. Houston Texans: Sage Rosenfels or Craig Nall. Pick yer poison, Texas.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars: Escaped the Browns/Bengals/Lions triangle with only one win. FAIL. On the bright side, at least we'll be spared another onslaught of "The Jags could really make some noise in the playoffs this year" stories.

11. New Orleans Saints: Poor Drew Brees' throwing arm is going to be a shriveled husk by the end of the season. Bummer.

12. Buffalo Bills: Four losses in five games sure have quieted all that "Why aren't people taking our team seriously?!" talk from Bills fans.

13. San Diego Chargers: How does Norv Turner still have a job? Marty Shottenheimer got fired after a 14-2 season!

14. Denver Broncos: On the one hand, they got a career game from Jay Cutler and got a big comeback win versus the Browns. On the other hand, it took a career game from Jay Cutler to get a comeback win versus the Browns. See where I'm going with this?

15. Green Bay Packers: The team keeps insisting that dumping Brett Favre for Aaron Rodgers was the right call, but the 4-5 record suggests otherwise. So does the fact that they suck.

16. Miami Dolphins: Who would have guessed the Williams/Brown RB combo was going to be so fearsome? That would have been like predicting Abraham Lincoln was going to come back to life and win the presidency. Only not nearly as cool.

17. Dallas Cowboys: Terrell Owens is trying to take more of a leadership role on the team. Yeah, that should work out just dandy.

18. Philadelphia Eagles: Watching these guys fight so hard to stay relevant is really cute. (Not really. It's sad. They're going nowhere. Hell, I don't even think they're going to make the playoffs. Which will save them the pain and humiliation of a one-and-done at least.)

19. Minnesota Vikings: If they got to face one of the league's worst rush defenses every week, they'd be unstoppable! Hey, who're they playing this week? Oh. Tampa Bay. Bummer.

20. Chicago Bears: They hung with the Titans despite the fact that they can't stop a pass and they started Rex Grossman.

21. New York Jets: That extra practice session, against the Rams, should help them get prepared for Thursday's showdown with the Patriots.

22. New England Patriots: BenJarvis Green Ellis. Is he destined to become a household name? Doubt it.

23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Hard to imagine them getting any lower (by which I mean higher) than this unless Jeff Garcia gets bitten by a radioactive spider and develops amazing powers.

24. Indianapolis Colts: They might be starting to wake up. Except Marvin Harrison. He's still hitting the Snooze button.

25. Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens suddenly developing an offense was about as unexpected and surprising as if I'd woken up today with a second, evil head.

26. Washington Redskins: Eh. I have a bad feeling Clinton Portis is going to break down by the end of the season. And this team can't survive without him. It'll be like if the castaways on Gilligan's Island hadn't been stranded with the Professor. Or something.

27. Arizona Cardinals: I'm currently in two fantasy football leagues. I chose to live draft in one league and auto draft in the other. In the live draft, I chose LaDanian Tomlinson and Ben Roethlisberger. The auto draft robot got me Kurt Warner and Clinton Portis. Guess which league I'm leading and which one I'm fighting to stay at .500 in. Anyway, Warner should be abducted by government scientists and dissected so we can figure out how he managed to turn back time.

28. Atlanta Falcons: Between these guys and the Hawks, it's like a sports revival in Atlanta. Too bad we can't move the city out of Georgia. That's not possible, is it?

29. Carolina Panthers: Hey, Jake. We all knew you guys could beat the Raiders without even trying, but you didn't have to try and prove it, you know?

30. Pittsburgh Steelers: They probably would have beaten the Colts if they'd just gone with Byron Leftwich under center. I wonder how that makes Ben Roethlisberger feel? Crappy, I hope.

31. New York Giants: Despite his middle-of-the-pack stats, the Eli-for-MVP talk is starting to heat up. And it's hurting Kurt Warner's feelings.

32. Tennessee Titas: I'm secretly hoping they lose soon if only so we don't have to be deluged by '72 Dolphins stories in a couple weeks. So c'mon, coach Fisher. Throw a game. It's for the greater good.

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Blogger Trev said...
As a Saints fan I know for a fact that Detroit will not go 0-16. Why? Because they play New Orleans in week 16. If it's one thing the Saints excel at it's making first time starting QB's look like All-Pro's and handing winless teams their first win (i.e. last years Rams team). Look for Detroit to beat New Orleans something like this: The Lions score late to bring the score to 31-30 and the Lions inexplicably decide to go for 2 and Daunte Culpepper fumbles the snap on the two point conversion only to pick it up and run it in for the winning points. Just a hunch.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
"Who would have guessed the Williams/Brown RB combo was going to be so fearsome?"

dude there were whispers that these 2 would be the 1st pair of 1000 yd rushers since morris and csonka. That's the only part of the dolphins that's NOT surprising. Everything else from a winning record to Starscreen (joey porter) is surprising

Blogger AnacondaHL said...
what happened to futuremrs? I missed the coy analysis and uncomfortable Panthers/Patriots love with AFC recap.

Blogger Basketbawful said...
trev -- As a fellow Saints fan...yep, that's about right.

kazam92 -- Yeah, but those whispers seemed about as crazy as the Joker's stories about how he got those scars. I mean, who honestly believed Ricky Williams was going to take enough time off from toking up to rush for 1,000 yards?

anacondahl -- She's had a rough couple weeks. She'll be back soon.

Blogger DDC said...
I'm confused by Romeo Crennel's disappointment with the school of thought that his team has quit. I mean he thinks that is an indictment of poor coaching? I'll tell you what highlights poor coaching: his bad clock management, the mismanagement of his quarterback situation and the fact that his team has given away 3games this season screams bad coaching moreso than any accusation of his team folding does. But hey what do I know?

Anonymous kazam92 said...
oh i'm not saying the 1000 2x will happen but everyone really wasn't taking him seriously despite the training camp reports of how great he looked. So good that the dolphins (foolishly) started him over brown the 1st 2 games

I mean did you see his TD? I didn't know he had that burst. Its good to see a RB over 30 that doesn't suddenly suck in every facet of the game

Blogger tree said...
I think you could arrange 21-30 anyway you want and anyone would be hard-pressed to disagree. Is this a good or a bad thing?

Blogger lordhenry said...
"The team keeps insisting that dumping Brett Favre for Aaron Rodgers was the right call, but the 4-5 record suggests otherwise. So does the fact that they suck." Awesome. I love how you don't seem to see anyone but bawful talking about what a bonehead move running Brett off was.

Blogger lordhenry said...
oh and I hope futuremrs. gets well soon, miss her.

Blogger dAndy ManCandy said...
You know the whole holding up the finger implying you are number 1 thing has always chapped my ass. If you're not atleast number one in your division then you are not eligible. This applies to fans too and since I am a Jag fan then I guess I have to hold both hands up and take off my shoes and stick my feet in the air in order to accurately depict my team's overall shatastic sucktardery.

p.s. The jags will end the Titan's undefeated run this Sunday so no worries about the '72 Dolphins chatter!