Since the FutureMrs is apparently dying of the plague, you get one set of mini-rankings today. Hopefully we can get back on task next week.
1. Detroit Lions Zeroes: They're not going to win a game this season. Seriously. They're going to go 0-16. And I can't think of a better quarterback than Daunte Culpepper to lead them there.
2. Oakland Raiders: Jake Delhomme's epic meltdown was all they could have asked for...and they still couldn't finish within single digits of the Panthers. Maybe we should just change their team name to Detroit Lions of California.
3. St. Louis Rams: As long as they don't continue spotting their opponents 40-0 leads, they should be okay. And by "okay" I mean "they're going to lose the rest of their games."
4. Cincinatti Sad Tigers: Feeling better about 1-8 than any team in NFL history. And besides, it's all about perspective. Sure, they've lost seven games...but they're on a one-game winning streak. How's that for a glass half full, bitches?
5. San Francisco 49ers: Things have been crazy at work, so I mooned my co-workers and blamed Mike Martz for my bad decisions. Didn't work for me, either.
6. Kansas City Chiefs: The only reason Herm Edwards isn't on suicide watch right now is because the Chiefs still have games left against the Raiders and Bengals.
7. Seattle Seahawks: Matt Hasselbeck and Deion Branch returned to practice this week, giving the 'Hawks delusions of mediocrity.
8. Cleveland Browns: Jamal Lewis accused teammates of quitting during last week's come-from-ahead loss to the Ravens. Oh, wait. That loss was from two weeks ago. Last week's come-from-ahead loss was to the Broncos. My bad. Anyway, coach Romeo Crennel says the accusations of quitting reflect badly on him as a coach. And it's a darn shame that they're going to ruin an otherwise spotless reputation.
9. Houston Texans: Sage Rosenfels or Craig Nall. Pick yer poison, Texas.
10. Jacksonville Jaguars: Escaped the Browns/Bengals/Lions triangle with only one win. FAIL. On the bright side, at least we'll be spared another onslaught of "The Jags could really make some noise in the playoffs this year" stories.
11. New Orleans Saints: Poor Drew Brees' throwing arm is going to be a shriveled husk by the end of the season. Bummer.
12. Buffalo Bills: Four losses in five games sure have quieted all that "Why aren't people taking our team seriously?!" talk from Bills fans.
13. San Diego Chargers: How does Norv Turner still have a job? Marty Shottenheimer got fired after a 14-2 season!
14. Denver Broncos: On the one hand, they got a career game from Jay Cutler and got a big comeback win versus the Browns. On the other hand, it took a career game from Jay Cutler to get a comeback win versus the Browns. See where I'm going with this?
15. Green Bay Packers: The team keeps insisting that dumping Brett Favre for Aaron Rodgers was the right call, but the 4-5 record suggests otherwise. So does the fact that they suck.
16. Miami Dolphins: Who would have guessed the Williams/Brown RB combo was going to be so fearsome? That would have been like predicting Abraham Lincoln was going to come back to life and win the presidency. Only not nearly as cool.
17. Dallas Cowboys: Terrell Owens is trying to take more of a leadership role on the team. Yeah, that should work out just dandy.
18. Philadelphia Eagles: Watching these guys fight so hard to stay relevant is really cute. (Not really. It's sad. They're going nowhere. Hell, I don't even think they're going to make the playoffs. Which will save them the pain and humiliation of a one-and-done at least.)
19. Minnesota Vikings: If they got to face one of the league's worst rush defenses every week, they'd be unstoppable! Hey, who're they playing this week? Oh. Tampa Bay. Bummer.
20. Chicago Bears: They hung with the Titans despite the fact that they can't stop a pass and they started Rex Grossman.
21. New York Jets: That extra practice session, against the Rams, should help them get prepared for Thursday's showdown with the Patriots.
22. New England Patriots: BenJarvis Green Ellis. Is he destined to become a household name? Doubt it.
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Hard to imagine them getting any lower (by which I mean higher) than this unless Jeff Garcia gets bitten by a radioactive spider and develops amazing powers.
24. Indianapolis Colts: They might be starting to wake up. Except Marvin Harrison. He's still hitting the Snooze button.
25. Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens suddenly developing an offense was about as unexpected and surprising as if I'd woken up today with a second, evil head.
26. Washington Redskins: Eh. I have a bad feeling Clinton Portis is going to break down by the end of the season. And this team can't survive without him. It'll be like if the castaways on Gilligan's Island hadn't been stranded with the Professor. Or something.
27. Arizona Cardinals: I'm currently in two fantasy football leagues. I chose to live draft in one league and auto draft in the other. In the live draft, I chose LaDanian Tomlinson and Ben Roethlisberger. The auto draft robot got me Kurt Warner and Clinton Portis. Guess which league I'm leading and which one I'm fighting to stay at .500 in. Anyway, Warner should be abducted by government scientists and dissected so we can figure out how he managed to turn back time.
28. Atlanta Falcons: Between these guys and the Hawks, it's like a sports revival in Atlanta. Too bad we can't move the city out of Georgia. That's not possible, is it?
29. Carolina Panthers: Hey, Jake. We all knew you guys could beat the Raiders without even trying, but you didn't have to try and prove it, you know?
30. Pittsburgh Steelers: They probably would have beaten the Colts if they'd just gone with Byron Leftwich under center. I wonder how that makes Ben Roethlisberger feel? Crappy, I hope.
31. New York Giants: Despite his middle-of-the-pack stats, the Eli-for-MVP talk is starting to heat up. And it's hurting Kurt Warner's feelings.
32. Tennessee Titas: I'm secretly hoping they lose soon if only so we don't have to be deluged by '72 Dolphins stories in a couple weeks. So c'mon, coach Fisher. Throw a game. It's for the greater good.