Browns
BUBBA CHOMP!! BUBBA CHEWY CHOMP!!

The Cleveland Browns. The Brownies followed up last week's hope-lifting win in Buffalo by scoring only 6 points in a home loss to the Houston Texans, proving once again that -- say it with me, people! -- they are who we thought they were. It was the Texans' first win in their last nine road games. "There's no explanation for it," Cleveland running back Jamal Lewis said, ignoring the obvious but totally correct "We really, really suck" explanation.

Brady "Maybe he's not the answer after all" Quinn was 8-for-18 for 94 yards and two interceptions before getting yanked in favor of the previously dethroned Derek Anderson...who went 5-for-14 for 51 yards (but only 1 INT!). Romeo Crennel, who looks more dazed and confused than a dog when you pretend to throw its favorite squeak toy but actually hide it behind your back instead, explained the QB switch thusly: "It was a combination of [Quinn's] decisions that could have been a little better and the injury to his finger. I decided to play the other guy for a little bit to see if that could give us a spark, and that didn't work either." If Romeo every writes a book about his head coaching career, I hope it's called "And That Didn't Work Either: My Time As A Total Failure In Cleveland."

Oh, and if you expected Quinn to be magnanimous about his benching, you'd better have your expectometer checked. Said the former Domer: "You would have to ask Coach why I was pulled. He was upset with a couple of decisions I made out there. I didn't have any idea that I was on such a short leash." He has a point. Romeo usually lets people suck for much longer than that before sitting them down. But that's because he's usually asleep on the sidelines.

The Kansas City Chiefs. Let's take a look at the box score: 21 first downs. That's good. 462 total yards. That's really good. 31 points. That's freaking fantastic! Unfortunately, they also gave up 444 yards and 54 points to the Bills. It was the most points any team has ever scored against the Chiefs, who committed 5 turnovers (2 interceptions and 3 lost fumbles) on their way to their 19th loss in the last 20 games, which is also a KC record...for the worst stretch in team history. It's kind of like in "Office Space" when Peter tells the shrink, "Every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life." For the Chiefs, every Sunday that they play is the worst Sunday in franchise history.

Herm Edwards, who's responsible for the embarrassing yellow puddle of suck the Chiefs have become, didn't sound too concerned after the game. When asked how his players would respond to the lastest in this long line of brutal humiliations, Herm said: "I anticipate they'll come to work Monday. They know what they did wrong. You've got to play smart and not turn the ball over and be careful with the fouls." That's some serious Zen there, Herm. Damn. It's like the man has become completely desensitized to human emotion. What would it take to rattle Edwards at this point? A giant space blog eating his entire team and spitting up the bones in his front yard?

By the way, if you need a Christmas gift idea for a down-on-his-luck friend, why not pick them up a copy of It's The Will, Not The Skill, a treatise on leadership as told by Herm Edwards. According to the official site: "A book for leaders: parents, teachers, coaches and managers who are building self-confidence and improving the performance of others. Principles and philosophies of SUCCESS as seen through the eyes, mind and heart of Herm Edwards, a recipe for becoming a success coach and achieving effective leadership skills." On second thought, don't give this book to the down-on-his-luck guy. Give it to a successful friend you'd like to take down a peg.

Herm
Read this book and prepare to forget
everything you ever knew about winning.

The Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins, so sad and downtrodden these last few years, had an opportunity to make a statement at home against the Patriots and thereby put themselves in great position to possibly earn their first playoff berth since they didn't suck so incredibly much. How did they respond, you ask? By letting their division rivals steamroll them for 530 total yards and 48 points. They so meekly submitted to Matt Cassel's will that I wouldn't be surprised if Miami's defensive linemen let Cassel have an orgy with all their wives and baby mamas last night. 'Mazing Matt was 30-43 for 415 yards and 3 touchdowns. He also ran in a touchdown. And I bet you never expected someone to be able to utter the words "Matt Cassel is actually playing BETTER than Tom Brady" and be somewhat serious, did you? Said Randy Moss (125 yards, 3 TDs): "Matt is getting in the comfort zone. He's playing some hellified ball."

Speaking of Moss, he claimed that his performance was a response to the Dolphins immense disrespect, which was characterized by single coverage. "I don't know why Coach disrespected me like that. Any time I feel disrespected, then I want to go out there and make it happen. I think they disrespected me today by playing me single coverage and letting me have fun and do what I like to do -- and that's getting in that end zone." His words actually carry more weight than you might think. If there's anyone in the NFL who knows what it means to disrespect an opponent, it's Moss.

As if the 20-point loss wasn't bad enough, the 'Fins had a complete meltdown at the end of the game. Channing Crowder and the Patriots' Matt Light were ejected midway through the fourth quarter. Crowder lost his helmet when blocked by Light on a field-goal attempt and shoved Light, who responded by taking several swings at Crowder's head. Then, with less than three minutes left, Miami's Joey Porter was penalized for a personal foul and unsportsmanlike conduct.

Said Dolphins coach Tony Sparano: "It looked like a lack of poise. We did the things that young, immature teams do." Defensive linemen Vonnie Holliday and Jason Ferguson apologized the dickery. Said Holliday: "We didn't show much class at the end. What's so disappointing about this loss is not only were we beaten, but the way we handled the loss, especially at the end." He's not wrong.

Fins

The Tennessee Titans. It wasn't so much that they suffered their first loss of the season -- we all knew it was only a matter of time -- it was more about how it happened. Instead of close loss after an epic showdown, the Titans received a 34-13 butt-kicking in front of their home crowd.

And sure, the defense got chewed up by Brett Favre (25-for-32, 224 yards, 2 TDs) and the Thomas Jones/Leon Washington combo platter (178 total yards and 2 TDs), but the offense was the real culprit. Chris Johnson and LenDale White managed only 46 yards on 11 attempts (White had -1 yards on the day) and the Kerry's Krew only managed to hold onto the ball for 19 minutes (compared to 40 for the Jets). Titans fullback Ahmard Hall said: "It felt like we were on the sideline forever just watching Brett Favre play. The defense, I felt bad that we on offense couldn't get anything going and keep them off the field."

In the long run, the loss was a good thing. It'll gets the Perfect Record Monkey off their backs and will allow them to refocus. But, still, it was ugly.

The Denver Broncos. Losing 31-10 to the Raiders would have been an upset if the game had taken place on the moon, let alone Denver, where the Broncos used to be all but invincible. But they were very vincible yesterday. JaMarcus Russell had his best day as a pro (10-for-11, 152 yards, 1 TD and a QB rating of 149.1), Justin Fargas rushed for 107 yards and Darren McFadden added 2 TDs in the Raider Romp.

Said Broncos defensive end Ebenezer Ekuban: "The only thing we won tonight was the penalty battle. They had more penalties than we did. Other than that, they kicked our butts in every phase of the game." Yep. That pretty much sums it up. By the way, that scream of bewildered rage you heard last night was probably a Jay Cutler fantasy owner.

Norv Turner. Norv, Norv, Norv...I know you're an awful, terrible, ghastly coach. But did you really try to ice Adam Vinatieri? He's Adam freaking Vinatieri. Icing him is about as effective as praying to Xenu, alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy.

LaDanian Tomlinson. Rushing for 81 yards might not sound like an awful day, but when it's LT at home in a must-win game versus a Colts defense that let Steve Slaton run wild for 156 yards and a touchdown last week in Indy...well, there you have it. Tomlinson is, officially, no longer a force in the NFL.

LT
We'll miss you, LT.

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12 Comments:
Blogger DDC said...
Matt, you pair this post with your WOTW post on Basketbawful today, and I have to say that this is some the funniest writing I have read this year. You really have outdone yourself dude. The AFC is wide open. It's like nobody wants to take control.

Blogger BadDave said...
Matt Light - Purdue alumnus. Awesome.

Norv Turner. Yeah - icing a kicker is generally bad. Look - play the odds - kickers do about 8% *better* when iced. On top of that, I think it's easier to set up on defense with short notice than letting the kicking team make sure they're ready to run the play.

One defense of LT - the Chargers line is only that hardened chocolate shell on last year's legacy. Fragile, and tasty. The holes that LT used to run through are now mounds of piled up linemen.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
If Matt Light doesn't get suspended, I'm mailing a bag of my fecal matter shaped in the likeness of a middle finger to roger goodell.


I try so hard to not hate the patriots but its impossible. They ran up the damn score again towards the end on 4th & 1, Light grabbed hair despite having a good 100 pounds on crowder, and they called timeout when we had possession at the end so we could gaze at the inflated score


dont even bring up "thats what porter deserves" This game was BS. Cassel torched us and I'll accept it but damn....

oh and greg camarillo aka welker 2.0 is out for the year. SPLENDIDLYENDED!

Blogger Timmothy said...
Does "Revised Edition" on the Herm book mean that it now accurately portrays his inability to actually "lead"?

Blogger Babyshoes said...
Two little paragraphs just don't seem like enough to summarize the Broncos losing AT HOME to the Raiders. Don't get me wrong, I root for the Raiders in order to be popular with some of my friends, but I'm a realist and this Raider team is pretty bad.
Speaking of those Raider fan friends, they are now talking about how they could win the division. And do you know what? THEY COULD! The AFC West deserves it's very own special bawful post. Either that, or they should have their playoff spot revoked for the love of humanity!

Blogger lordhenry said...
I believe now is a good time to remind everyone that you said the packers were idiots for letting a legend go while he could still play. Tried to find the exact quote, but fail. This is coming back to haunt everyone, even the titans.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
how about the entire NFL defense gets mentioned as a bawful for allowing over 800 total points in a week. A record

Blogger Rocco said...
Well, at least I started Cassel over Favre this week.

And LT? Get fucked. What a waste of the #1 overall pick.

Anonymous Arson55 said...
lordhenry, Favre has very little to do with how well the Jets are doing. Their improvement as a team has more to do with how well Kris Jenkins and Faneca are playing than anything Favre does. In order to start Favre, they got rid of Pennington, who, incidentally, is having a better year than Favre is, with more yards (2715 to 2461) yards per attempt (8.0 to 7.1) less than half as many interceptions (6 compared to 13), and far fewer fumbles (1 compared to 9). This despite being on a team where his best recievers are Ted Ginn and Greg Camarillo.

About the only thing that Favre does at this point in his career that Pennington can't do is have the ability to throw deep out-routes, which does open up the middle of the field a little. Still, overall, that isn't a big upgrade. A far more accurate description of the Jets turn around this year (including the Titans victory) would detail how Kris Jenkins has responded to the trade, but storylines based around nose tackles aren't as interesting to most of the populace as ones about future hall of fame quarterbacks.

Anonymous kazam92 said...
SURPRISE! Light and crowder both fined 15k. Porter was right in the regard that people get fined more for talking than actions.


I'm sealing my fecal matter in a parcel as we speak. Up your goodell. Stop defending this soulless team

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Are you switching off between the NFC and AFC each week? Cause if you are, that sucks. Moar bawful!

Blogger Grayson said...
Excellent work again, you are a dedicated and disciplined sports writer with your own niche.