The Jacksonville Jaguars: Right now, the AFC South features the Titans and the Three Stooges. The Colts are Moe, of course, since they're the most assertive of the Stooges. The Texans are Curly because they're such lovable losers. And the Jaguars are Larry in that they're just kind of lame and you wonder why they're even a part of the group. However, on Sunday they were demoted to "Schemp" or maybe even "Curly Joe" status. You see, the Jags lost. To the heretofore winless Cincinnati Sad Tigers!! This means Jacksonville now has back-to-back losses to the Browns and Bungles.

OMG

The Jags crapped the bed in so many ways it's hard to quantify with the rational mind, but the stat that epitomizes this ugliest of losses is Cedric Benson's line: 24 rushes for 104 yards and a touchdown. Yes, you read that correctly: Cedric Benson ran down the Jaguars almost single-footedly. I think each member of the Jacksonville defense should have Benson's stats and the final score from this game tattooed on their foreheads so everyone who ever meets them will know their shame. Speaking of the Jacksonville defenders, the Certified Asshole Award goes out to...

John Henderson: The Jacksonville defensive tackle got booted for fighting with Cincy's Andrew Whitworth. And by "fighting" I mean "attempting to gouge out Whitworth's freaking eye." Upon being ejected, Henderson was shown smiling and waving to the crowd.

asshole

The Sad Tigers: I just need to point out that they almost coughed up the win by getting outscored 16-0 in the fourth quarter. But for now, they're happy tigers!

happy tiger
They're GREEEEAA...uh, not great.

The Buffalo Bills: How bad was it? Well, let me put it this way: Brett Favre scored almost as many points for Buffalo as the Bills' offense did. This was due primarily to the bumbling ineptitude of Trent "Pretty Boy" Edwards, who got sacked five times, fumbled the ball away once and tossed two picks, one of which was returned 92 yards for a momentum-changing touchdown. But other than that, he played great. (Seriously, I kept half-expecting him to slip on a banana peel and fall face-first into a cream pie.) The worst part of this loss, though, is that the Bills are gave up control of the division (they're now in a three-way tie with the Patriots and Jets). FAIL.

Marshawn Lynch He missed the entire second quarter of Buffalo's 26-17 loss due to nausea, for which the technical term is "painful vagina-itis."

T.J. Houshmandzadeh, motivational speakologist. He famously predicted the Sad Tigers would win a game this season, and so before the game he delivered an inspirational speech to his teammates: "We're 0-8, but I think we're a good 0-8 team, if that's possible. I was just telling them: Are we going to the playoffs? Probably not. But we're all men and play with pride. Basically, play with pride and let's try to make this thing look somewhat respectable." Powered by that inspiration, there was no way the Sad Tigers could have failed. Unless they, you know, had to play a good team.

Cedric Benson, quote machine. Regarding the team's struggles prior to Sunday: "Being 0-for-whatever-it-was coming in, there was a lot of pressure and a lot of frustration for everybody, from the staff to the equipment managers." Wait, what? The equipment managers? Awesome. I'd like to imagine them sitting around, racking their brains with questions like, "How can I manage the team's equipment more effectively?!"

The Cleveland Brown's defense: When they were holding a 27-13 lead midway through the third quarter, it looked like the Browns were on their way to a huuuuuge division win. Then got outscored 24-0 in the final 16 minutes and 10 seconds by the electrifying offense of the Baltimore Ravens. Oh, and Ray Rice -- yeah, I know, who?! -- ran for 154 yards [!!]. I guess the universe couldn't let Cincy and Cleveland win on the same day.

ohio sucks

The Denver Broncos: Remember that 38 PPG average from the first three games? Well, forget it. Since then, the wild horses have scored 19, 16, 17, 7 and 17 points. Not surprisingly, they lost four of those five games since, you know, they couldn't stop anybody even if they had control of a suborbital satellite that could vaporize people from space. Jay Cutler used his stronger-than-Elway arm to fire three passes to the opposing team, including a first-quarter INT that was returned 32 yards for a touchdown. You know, you can probably trace Denver's struggles to the very moment Cutler started getting a little too full of himself. Somebody take him off the diabetes medication, and fast.

Joey Porter, quote machine Part I: He helped hold Brandon Marshall to 27 yards on only 2 catches. And, chatterbox that he is, you know he had something to say about it. "He's one of those guys that if he don’t get the ball in the first two series in the first quarter, he's out of it. He had 18 catches in a game before. So he's not used to going the whole first half with no balls. We got in his head and he pretty much was done." HE'S NOT USED TO GOING THE WHOLE FIRST HALF WITH NO BALLS. You just can't make this stuff up.

Joe Porter, quote machine Part II: "I didn't get inside his head, we just were talkin'. He got in his own head. He was done. He's one of those soft receivers, where he has to have the ball all the time. If he don't get it, he's going to mope and cry. He did it to himself." Wow.

Brandon Marshall, quote machine Part I: "When the quarterback sees 1-high or cover-1 (coverage), he's got to be on the same page as me and get the ball to me. But it's a team game, and oh, well." Translation: "ME ME ME ME ME ME ME...!!"

Brandon Marshall, quote machine Part II: "I mean, when I look at it, it's common sense. If I was a receiver going against our defense and they're stacking the box and we're playing a 1-high defense and eight in the box, and the DBs are 10 yards off of me, I'm going to catch 10, 12 balls a game." Translation: "...ME ME ME ME ME ME..."

Brandon Marshall, quote machine Part III: "I mean, I don't even know that (Miami) receiver's name who caught all those balls. It's simple. Tighten up the coverage and just play ball. It's simple. It's real simple. They don't need to be 10 yards off. Tighten it up. You see they don't do that against us. The reason why is because a receiver will kill them. I don't even know the name of that receiver. Don't know it." Translation: "...[deep breath]...ME ME ME ME ME ME!!"

The Enver "defense": That receiver's name is Greg Camarillo. But Marshall can call him "The dude who caught 11 passes for 111 yards while I got shut the hell down." Or TDWCEPFOYWIGSTHD for short. But hey, at least they stopped Ronnie Brown and the Wildcat Formation.

Patriots versus Colts: After the epic battles these teams have waged the last four or five years, this one was a letdown. It was like watching the Celtics play the Lakers back in the early 90s after Magic retired and Bird was playing without a back. Neither team is very good, and that's unlikely to change this season. Meh.

Lowered_Expectations

The New England Patriots: The key to the Pats' success all these years has been that let their opponents' beat themselves with mistakes and mental errors. Well, the script got switched on Sunday night. Jabar Gaffney dropped a sure touchdown pass late in the third quarter. Tight end David Thomas got hit with a 15-yard dead ball penalty for cold-cocking a Colts player will after the whistle had blown, and the penalty yardage pushed New England out of field-goal range with 4:45 to go in the game. And let's not forget Mr. Genius himself...

Bill Belichick: He burned through all three of his second-half timeouts by the fourth minute of the fourth quarter. That fact forced him to go for it on fourth-and-15 at the Colts 45 when his team was down by three with just over four minutes to go. (I hate to ruin the ending for you, but they didn't convert.) How'd it happen? The first timeout was lost on a stupid challenge. The Patriots used a quick snap to try and catch the Colts with 12 men on the field. As a result, the Pats didn't move the ball, leaving them with a second-and-10 at the Colts 45. But Belichick, egomaniac that he is, challenged the officials' ruling that the 12th man had just barely made the sideline before the snap. Best-case scenario would have been a five-yard penalty that would have resulted in a first-and-five at the 40. Not really a risk worth taking in a game that was 7-6 Colts at the time.

Later, Belichick cost his team a first down on a successful QB sneak to the Colts 7-yard line by calling timeout. And he didn't just call a timeout. He ran on the field, screaming and waving his arms like a car was about to hit his mistress. Not only did he stall the drive and cost his team a shot at a TD, he used their last time out as well. So, you know, not everything that drops out of the man's butt is coated in silver and gold.

Ben Roethlisberger: Nobody will ever admit this, but the Steelers must be secretly glad that Big Ben got knocked out of the game. He had, after all, accumulated a QB rating of 15.1 by going 5-for-17 for 50 yards and an INT. He also got sacked three times.

Mike Tomlin: Uh, Mike, if your quarterback has been struggling all season with a shoulder injury, why the hell do you risk his health on a QB sneak? Why not just blindfold him and send him into traffic?

Washington Redskins: The loud SPLAT you just heard was the 'Skins falling violently back down to Earth. When you have the chance to put a choke hold on your division in a home game against vulnerable team...you have to do it. But the Redskins didn't. Poor Jason Campbell was sacked 7 times and pressured into 2 INTs. The defense couldn't stop backup QB and Jacksonville castoff Byron Leftwich.

Clinton Portis, quote machine: "We were hoping to go out and play our football, play smash-mouth football. Instead, we got smashed." Awwww. SAD FACE.

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8 Comments:
Blogger Dunpizzle said...
I was hoping to see a pic of a ferocious cyber tiger representing my Bengals for what might be the only win of the season. Something like...

http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p169/_Elulu_/Games/Mega%20Man%20X/NeonTiger.jpg

Blogger BadDave said...
Leave Clinton Portis alone, jerk. He and Brees are carrying my fantasy team. To a 3-6 record, but still...

Anonymous kazam92 said...
f*ck it. Chad Pennington for MVP

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I've got Shemp over Larry in my power rankings.

Nice use of "heretofore," by the way.

Also, I think we can both agree that "The Three Stooges" + football = always a winning combination.

Blogger dAndy ManCandy said...
The Jags are brutal right now without a doubt and that show Leftwich put on has the fans in Jax in an uproar. The fans are such fairweather bitches here it's not even funny.

@baddave - I would hate to see the rest of your roster if you have those 2 studs and are 3-6. I'm just glad Portis got shut down. I was up by 10 with nobody left while my opp. had Portis Monday night. Won by 4!!!!

Anonymous BigBadCarter said...
For some reason, even being a Colts fan, I was actually disappointed in their win over New England this past weekend. I would rather them have lost the game completely and descended into the ultimate bowels of Pure Asshatted Sucktitude than to continue their middle-of-the-road quest for complete mediocrity. As a Colts fan, that may seem like poison on the keyboard, but before being a Colts Fan, I'm a Humor Fan, and would rather hear good jokes at my teams expense than to have the mention of them bring up a simple "Meh...they're .500 this season".

Blogger BadDave said...
Yeah - it's not just my roster, though my wideouts do suck. My opponents have career days against me.

It's all about matchups - it seems all of my opponents have players that play against enver, etriot, the Bungles or PoopyBrowns. I would need to score 170 points each week to be above .500 right now.