Footbawful

The AFC divisional playoffs: Duck and cover

2009-01-12T12:06:00.000-08:00

So, this year's Super Bowl champ is going to be one of the following teams: The Cardinsls, Eagles, Ravens or Steelers. If that isn't a sign of an impending apocalypse, what would be? Waking up and finding out that Satan had just sexed up your grandma and was currently taking an evil dump in your toilet? All I'm saying is that, when the explosions start and fire and brimstone begin falling from the sky...duck and cover, kiddies. Duck and cover.

Jim suddenly realizes getting that "2009 Super BowlChampion Titans" tattoo on his ass was a bad idea...
The Tennessee Titans: So...remember the Titans? They were the proud owners of the best regular season record in football. Now? They've gone a fishin'. So I guess the best record isn't that important after all. In fact, it hasn't been since 2004 when the Patriots went 14-2 and beat the Eagles in the Super Bowl. Since then, winning the regular season has been more curse than blessing. Sort of like being named President of the N'Sync Fan Club. To wit: Sometimes with great power comes great shame and personal disappointment.

But I digress. Based on some key stats, the Titans dominated their matchup with the Ravens. They almost doubled-up on Baltimore in total yards (391-211) and had 12 more first downs (21-9). They rushed for 116 yards to 50 for the Ravens and also owned the time of possession (34:07 to 25:53). Kerry Collins threw for 120 more yards than rookie upstart Joe Flacco. (281-161). So...what happened? Mistakes. Tennessee made 'em, Baltimore didn't. Fact is, the Titans -- who were plus-14 in turnover differential during their first 16 games -- blundered away multiple scoring opportunities. There were fumbles (five of them, two of which were lost, including LenDale White's butterball at the Baltimore 17 at the end of the first half). There was an interception (by Samari Rolle at the Ravens 12). There was that bungled fourth down conversion in the second quarter when Kerry Collins and center Leroy Harris -- who was only in because Kevin Mawae was out with an elbow injury -- miscommunicated on the shotgun snap. That play murderated a drive that had reached the Ravens' 30. And let's not forget how Rob Bironas shanked a 51-yard field goal attempt halfway through the third quarter despite having the wind at his back. White, Collins and Bironas: The Three Stooges of Fail.

I guess that, no matter what your record is, having lost three of your last four games can be a momentum killer. (For those questioning my mad math skillz: Those games against the Browns and Lions didn't count as wins. They barely counted as scrimmages.) Oh, and bye weeks make teams sloppy.

Keith Bulluck -- who went all "Incredible Hulk" after the game by smacking around some small metal barriers lining the tunnel leading to the Titans' locker room -- said: "It's a little shocking. You go out and play defense the way you did. At the end of the day, realistically you have two, three turnovers inside the 20, you're not supposed to win. Playoff football, those are the mistakes you can't have as a team.

So does this stinging playoff loss reduce to nil the team's NFL-best 13-3 record, a defense that ranked second in points allowed and a franchise-record 12 sacks allowed? Pretty much, yeah. Added Bulluck: "To be part of the nucleus of that 13-3 team was fun, but it's empty because I'm one who knows it doesn't really matter what you do in the regular season. The whole goal is to get in the playoffs. We had our one-and-done, which is unfortunate. When you're there, that's why you have to make the most of it. You have to realize how important it is."

This photographer did more to impede Holmes thanany of the Chargers. And yes, that was a bad sign.
The San Diego Chargers: You have to (but not really) admire the plucky spirit that allowed them to BOLT their way to an 8-8 record and eke out a ~~undeserved~~ technically-earned playoff spot. You could also applaud the way they handled a 12-4 team in the first round, even if that victory was obtained because they got all the calls due to an archaic playoff system that unfairly forced a 12-win team to play on the road against an 8-win division champ. But in 100 cases out of 100, teams that shouldn't be in the playoffs at all usually get eliminated sooner or later. Usually sooner. And such was the case with Chargers in Pittsburgh.

Darren Sproles -- who got lots of "Sproles is better than Tomlinson, so maybe the Chargers should build their running game around him" play after lighting the Colts' notoriously porous defense for a gazillion yards -- was held to 15 yards on 11 rushing attempts. (And 8 of those yards came on a single rush. You can do the math on your own, but I'll go ahead and tell you that he didn't get very far on those other 10 runs. I'd also like to point out that Sproles was playing for a new contract, which for a professional athlete is like touching one of those invincibility stars in Super Mario Brothers.) The Chargers revived defense got run over by Willie Parker, who had a season-high 146 yards and 2 touchdowns. And the Steelers' offense, which ranks closer to the bottom of the league than the top, lit up for 35 points thanks, in part, to Santonio Holmes' 67-yard punt return for a touchdown that tied the game at 7-all in the first quarter. This might be a good time to note that Pittsburgh is one of the worst return teams in the league, and Holmes' TD was their first score on a punt return December 17, 2006.

And then there was San Diego's Third Quarter of Doom. During that brutal 15-minute stretch, the Bolts spent 17 seconds in possession of the pigskin, as compared to 14 minutes and 43 seconds for the Steelers. And what happened in those 17 disastrous seconds? Well, Rivers threw an interception on first down from the Pittsburgh 23 and a Steelers punt bounced off Eric Weddle's helmet...and the Steelers recovered.

Said Phillip Rivers: "We were standing on the sideline and it was like, 'We were in for one play in the quarter and it was an interception.' There was a little bit of disbelief. You can't call it a fluke, those guys made plays, but that was crazy." So is learning about the past by studying ancient bird poop...but it happens, apparently. Dogs. Cats. Living together. Mass hysteria.

But despite the fact that they were outplayed on offense, defense and special teams, Chargers coach Norv Turner -- who, seriously, should have been fired half a season ago at least -- wants you to believe that his team barely lost. "I don't know that I've been in a game that was so significantly affected by two or three plays." I might believe that if Turner was an extra-dimensional being attending his very first American football game. But c'mon, Norv, really? Almost every football game that isn't one of those "wheels come flying off" type of disasters comes down to two or three plays. Just ask the Colts. (Only replace "plays" with "bogus calls" or "home cooking.")

In the final analysis, though, Phillip Rivers wants you to know that the blame for their substandard season and playoff flameout shouldn't fall on the shoulders of the coach or the players. Rather, it should be distributetd equally among the fans and experts who before the season started dreaming Super Bowl dreams about a talented and highly paid squad of underachievers. "It was like crowd noise being pumped in. It was overdoing it, and we had yet to play a game and you're talking about a game that's going to be played February 1. Ultimately we can do a better job of understanding you've got to win in September and win in October. You're not going to win the game on February 1 until February 1. It's a long season." He's grown very wise, has this one. The Jedi ghosts must be so proud.

"Told you, I did, a retard Rivers was."

The NFC Divisional Playoffs: A Tale in Two Acts

2009-01-12T08:41:00.000-08:00

Act I: Tragedy

Since the early weeks of the season, I've declared my team crush on the Panthers on this website, even labeling them "a pizza with everything on it" and other such hyperbole meant to convey my genuine admiration of a team that seemed poised to attain glory this season. Hell, they were even the source of my return to faith in the NFL. They were fun to watch, fun to cheer for, and fun to post about.

Alas, baby Panther. It seems the NFL playoffs system has swallowed you, Cronos-like, before you ever reached maturity. Faretheewell, good Panthers. Absent my beloved Patriots, you were my only hope; I wish you well in the next ~~life~~ season.

Think you, kind readers, that I wax unnecessarily lugubrious? Allow me, if I may, to remind you of the final score: Cardinals 33, Panthers 13. OH THE SUCKAGE. Losing by 20 points to a 9-7 team in the freaking PLAYOFFS?! On just 220 passing yards by Kurt Warner? I know Neil Rackers has a family to feed, but 5 field goal attempts? For 15 points including extra points after TDs? Larry Fitzgerald caught for 166 yards and even HE didn't score 15 points. What were you DOING, defense?

But I digress. We've known for months that Arizona's offense was potent despite a non-existent running game. That the Cards would put up 30 or so points in a playoffs game was expected. Let's get down to wailing and gnashing our teeth about Saturday's REAL culprit:

COACH HELP I FORGOT HOW TO PLAY FOOTBALL
Jake, I don't care if it was your birthday. I don't care if you couldn't find your lucky underoos that morning. I don't care if your goddamn grandmother was dying of ass cancer and croaking out your name with her dying breath as you struggled to regain your composure in time to take the field. 5 INTERCEPTIONS AND A FUMBLE IN A PLAYOFFS GAME, JAKE? My god. If the Panthers were a pizza with everything on it, you were the errant frat boy who gleefully shat on my pizza. SHAT ON MY PIZZA, I SAY. Again!

There's simply nothing else to be said. And thus fell the 12-4 Panthers to the 9-7 Cardinals. Thy will be done, O Vengeful NFL Gods. I offer up this sacrifice of clementines and leftover Hershey's Kisses from my Secret Santa in Thy honor.

Act II: Comedy

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[deep breath]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Everyone watches sports for different reasons. Some watch because they get a thrill from the gritty mano a mano action of finely-tuned specimens of human in their physical primes squaring off against one another in demanding feats of strength; some watch because the never-ending cycle of defeat and victory, of despair and hope, of utter loss and sweet, singing redemption in some way resonates with their understanding of this fleeting madcap adventure we call life; still others watch because men in tight pants (Vince Wilfork notwithstanding) are easy on the eyes.

And some watch because AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOLY FUCK THE GIANTS LOST!!

Ah yes, my friends. It is time for the audience participation portion of this tragicomic gridiron adventure: the part where we all point and laugh at the once-mighty Giants, who stumbled and fell in memorable fashion against the plucky 9-6-1 Eagles on Saturday to finally, definitively put an end to the post-coital haze from last year's Superbowl and knock them out of the running for a second championship. HA!

Let's review. Despite 307 total yards gained (thanks in part to a monster 92-yard performance from Brandon "Human Mack Truck" Jacobs), the Giants managed only 5 trips into Philadelphia territory and were rewarded in less-than-spectacular fashion by 2 missed field goal attempts and not a single touchdown. (If only they'd had Neil Rackers!) Eli Manning threw two picks -- including one with 3:15 remaining that effectively killed even the faintest of hopes that a comeback was in the works -- and reminded us all that he's Eli Goddamn Manning, Thrower of Picks, Flubber of Games, and Almighty Prince of the Late-Season Slump. Ha. Haha. Hahaha. HA!

And so it goes. For every tragic failure, there is a failure that fills someone, somewhere (read: me) with glee. Onwards we march to The Battle of the Birds for the title of ~~Less Pointless 9-Win Team~~ NFC Champion! Hurrah! Or, like, Tweet! or Squawk! or something.

Worst of the Final Weekend (of the regular season)

2008-12-29T09:54:00.000-08:00

I'm sure he's thinking: "An early vacationmeans more time to spend my extension money!"
The Buffalo Bills: A season that began with such hope-lifting promise (5-1 through the first six games) ended with a soul-crushing thud after the Patriots shut them down with a 13-0 shutout, which made the Bills 2-8 since Dick Jauron and the Bills agreed on the terms of his three-year contract extension. It was New England's 11th straight win over their division rivals. Although a team usually has to win a game or two in a series to earn the title of "rival." Anyway, the Buffalo Chips just seemed to lack preparation and focus since Jauron's extension agreement, leading to confusion, sloppy play and lots and lots of turnovers. And this was epitomized by the following killer sequence that occurred late in the first half:

Their biggest miscue came in the final minute of the second quarter with Buffalo threatening to score. With no timeouts, 22 seconds left and facing third-and-5 from the Patriots 12, the Bills ran Fred Jackson up the middle for a 3-yard gain. Though it was initially unclear whether he got the first down as officials were late in spotting the ball, the Bills immediately sent out their field goal unit.

Buffalo, however, couldn't get a play off amid the confusion and didn't get any help from Bills tight end Derek Schouman and center Duke Preston. They were involved in shoving matches with Patriots players at the 5, making it impossible for the team to line up before time ran out.

Steratore said umpire Jeff Rice did, in fact, spot the ball with 9 seconds left, and added that Bills players were not restricted from returning to the line of scrimmage.

And, at the end of it all, Lee Evans was left to try and explain why it all went so very wrong. "It's been a trying season. We weren't used to winning at the beginning of the season, so you can learn as much as you can from that. Learning how to win is key."

The Second Worst Coach in Pro Football.
Kansas City Chiefs: The Chiefs had the dishonor of duking it out with the Bengals on the final day of the regular season for the right to be named The Second Worst Team in Professional Football. True, losing "only" tied them with the Rams at 2-14, but finishing the season with a defeat to the (at the time) three-win Sad Tigers acted as a sort of 'bawful tie-breaker. Hail to the Chiefs! Only the Lions were worse than you in 2008!

Not-fo-fun facts: The Chiefs, who just suffered through the worst season in their 49-year history, have lost 23 of their last 25 games. Furthermore, they had one sack on the day, which means they finished the season with 10. Otherwise known as "the fewest by any team since the NFL made sacks an official statistic in 1981." Dude, I leave the grocery store with more sacks than they had this year.

Larry Johnson: Johnson, who rushed 10 times for 18 yards, could have just walked out quietly, dealt with his issues, then tried to calmly discuss an exit strategy with team management during the offseason. He chose, however, to do the opposite. The man who got arrested TWICE during the season for assaulting a woman said after the game: "Hopefully, my future is not with this organization. The things that have been going around, I'm not saying it's (all) their fault. Half of it is mine with off-the-field (stuff) and other things that go on. On the football field, my role definitely diminished once I got back. I felt like I wasn't getting as much (work) as I thought I could and helped as much as I could. They shifted their powers to other players on this team offensively. You kind of feel your time is up in this city and with this team. It's the environment. It's got everything to do with the environment. It's what everybody needs. The city is tired of me. The organization has kind of run its course (for him). It's time to move on regardless of what kind of changes they could make. I've been here when they made other changes. It's just time to let go." Larry Johnson: Proving once again there's a "Me, me, me!" in team. If you say "team" three times. And spit on a woman in a night club.

Cedric Benson: Ced "I hit the defensive line then take a dive" Benson -- who, prior to week 16, had managed three 100-yard game IN HIS CAREER -- finished with back-to-back centuries against the woeful Browns (171 yards on 38 carries) and the woefuler Chiefs (111 yards on 25 carries). And, hey, wouldn't you know it...he's a free agent after this season! Imagine my complete and total lack of surprise. Said Benson: "Of course there will be other organizations interested." I just can't wait to see what team gets suckered into signing Benson and then watching him sink contentedly back into sub-mediocrity. We have probably seen Ced's last 100 yard game.

The Detroit Lions: Well. It's official. The ~~Lions~~ Zeroes are the first 0-16 team in NFL history. That's not just "Worst Team This Season" matrerial. That's "Worst Team Ever" stuff. This season of woe was so bad, so gut-wrenchingly terrible, that even guys like Dan Orlovskey, who frankly is lucky to even be in the league, would rather retire and become a beet farmer than suffer through an encore performance of 0-16: "I don't ever want to be a part of this again. We haven't won since, November of '07, maybe? I don't even know the last time we won a game." It was December 23, 2007, actually. But it feels like much longer than that.

Coach Rod Mariwhatever, who's 10-38 in three seasons as the Zeroes' coach, said: "No competitor wants to go through something like this. This is not fun to go through, obviously. But there's people going through a lot worse than this." Oh, sure, Rod. People die of disease. Old ladies die and have their face eaten off by cats. But we're not discussing The Plight of the Command Man here. We're talkin' 'bout football. And no team in the history of your league has ever gone through something worse than this. Not even the Chiefs! (See above.)

Kevin Smith: Look, I can understand why Smith is frustrated, playing for the Zeroes and all, but with his team trying to rally late in the game and in Packers territory, Smith got called for a taunting penalty that moved the Zeroes back to midfield...after which Orlovsky tossed a pick. Game over. Said Smith: "It was a very bad, selfish decision. I let my emotions get the best of me. It was tough, but it is no excuse." And he couldn't even keep his head during a frantic, end-of-game, do-0r-die, we-must-win-or-be-winless situation. Doesn't that just kind of epitomize everything that's wrong with this team?

The Chicago Bears: Making the playoffs was never a certainty for the Bears, but, in the end, all they had to do was beat the sub-.500 Texans and they would have made it into the postseason as a Wild Card team. And, of course, it didn't happen. The Bears were once again skewered by the passing game -- Matt Schaub sliced them for 328 yards and 2 TDs while Andre Johnson diced them for 148 yards and 2 TDs -- and gave up 455 yards of total offense...which was a season-high for a Bears' opponent. And mind you, this was essentially a one-game mini-playoff. That's some serious defensive fail's what that is. Speaking of which...

Danieal Manning: The worst of Chicago's many bad defensive plays came in the second quarter when Manning botched his coverage, which led to a 43-yard touchdown for Andre Johnson. Said Manning: "I bit on the run and blew the coverage. [Coach Lovie Smith] just said, 'Stay deep, we really don't need you on the run support in cover-2. That was just me trying to play outside the defense. I should have been more patient than what I was. I thought I read run, it wasn't. It was a good play call by them, bad play by me."

If only that had been Manning's only mistake. On the ensuing kickoff, while he was fighting for extra yards, he fumbled it at the Bears' 38. Houston recovered and eight plays later scored another touchdown to take a 14-10 lead they would never surrender.

David Haugh: Yesterday, the front of the Chicago Tribune's sports section featured a story by Haugh titled Bears have big mental edge over Vikings. The subhead was "Bears' focused approach a stark contrast to Vikings." The article went on to infer that a Chicago victory was pretty near certain...as was a Minnesota loss. Instead, the Bears flopped while the Vikes pulled out a last-second win over the Giants' scrubs. Haugh also said: "But remember, the Bears' defense typically gets tougher where the Texans' offense stalls." Good calls, one and all, David. You're a regular Nostrodumbass. Thanks for stat cursing my team.

Getting knocked around? Oh yeah, that'sa great way to go into the playoffs...
The Tennesee Titans / Vince Young: Yes, they were resting their starters, but getting shut out is never a good thing. Put it this way, can you ever remember a team getting shut out in the final game of the regular season and then going on to win the Super Bowl. Yeah. Me neither. Of course, to hear Jeff Fisher tell it, that was all part of the plan. "They're playing very, very well, but there's a chance we may play them again, so we just lined up and played today." Well, I sure hope Jeff get a chance to show off all those fancy secret plays he's holding onto for that Colts-Titans playoff matchup that might never happen.

Vince Young: With Fisher resting the starters, Young -- who once was Tennessee's Man of Tomorrow -- got plenty of PT. His response: A 55-yard, zero touchdown performance in which he was badly outdueled by Jim Sorgi, Peyton Manning's never-used backup, who finished 22-of-30 for 178 yards.

More telling than his performance, however, was what people were saying about him after the game. Or, more accurately, what they weren't saying. When asked to evaluate Young's performance, Jeff Fisher said: "I'd have to watch the film." When asked the same question, Kerry Collins said: "It's hard to say without looking at film." Okay, so presumably, Fisher and Collins spent the day wearing a soundproof rubber BDSM hood. Anyway, I'm interested in what they'll have to say about Young after they get a chance to check the film...

The New Orleans Saints: Drew Brees fell 16 yards short of breaking Dan Marino's single-season NFL record of 5,084 yards passing and the Saints fell 2 points short of beating the Panthers and finishing with a winning record (even though they had already been eliminated from playoff contention). And that's just the kind of year it's been for the Saints: A season of falling just short. And you can pin the blame on the defense, which gave up 178 rushing yards to DeAngelo Williams and 134 receiving yards to Steve Smith had 134. Whenever the Saints needed a stop, they consistently failed to get it. Making them sort of the Chicago Bears of the deep south.

The Cleveland Browns: Ben Roethlisberger got knocked out of the game with a concussion and the Browns STILL lost 31-0. And, thanks to the previous week's 13-0 defeat at the claws of the Sad Tigers, the Browns were shut out in successive games for the first time in franchise history.

But wait. There's more. The Browns offense ended the season by failing to score a touchdown for six games and 24 quarters. Which, in case you couldn't guess it, is an NFL record. Moreover, Cleveland threw for only 26 yards against the Steelers, which tied for the second-fewest in club history. Historic fail, my friends.

Said Romeo Crennel: "We're going to leave here, go back and have a final meeting tomorrow, but we'll go into the offseason seeing what we can do better and get more competitive." Step one, I would think, would be finding a new coach...

Bruce Gradkowski: The fourth and worst QB to start this season for the Browns, Gradkowski finished 5-for-16 for 18 yards, 2 interceptions and 3 sacks. He even had one stretch in which he didn't complete a pass for nearly 27 minutes. He ended up with a QB rating of 1.0.

The Tampa Bay Buccanneers: Look, I hate to say I told ya so...but I so totally told ya so. I took some early-season heat for not believing in the Bills and Bucs, but my lack of faith, while disturbing to some, turned out to be completely, totally and in all other ways justified. Are we all good with that now? Okay then...

...all the Bucs had to do to make the playoffs, as it turns out, was win one of their final four games. They did not. And the final game, a 31-24 homefield flameout to the lowly Oakland Raiders in which Michael Bush rushed for a career-high 177 yards, was the big gulp of toilet water washing down the bitter pill of regrets. Regarding the biggest collapse in franchise history, Warrick Dunn said: "There's disbelief. There's shock. There's emotions, I'm sure, that I can't really describe. To be 9-3, and you lose four in a row when all you have to do is win one and you're in, it's tough to swallow. The guys in this locker room have prepared hard, played hard. Things haven't gone our way." Added Jeff Garcia: "I know we let down a lot of people...and we apologize for that. We, as a team, are better than what we have put on the field in the last four weeks." It's kind of easy to say that now that you don't have to prove it, Jeff. Maybe next year. Assuming you're still here.

The Jacksonville Jaguars: The team that was supposed to supplant the Colts as the power in the AFC South finished a 5-11 season by going out with a 27-7 whimper to the Baltimore Ravens. And it sure feels like their time as a rising power came and went already, doesn't it?

The New York Jets: They cut Chad Pennington and went all-in on Brett Favre, only to watch Penninton play like a Pro Bowler, leading Miami from 1-15 to 11-5 and a division title, while old man Brett finished the season looking very much like an old man who should have stayed retired when he had the chance. Mind you, the Jets ended the season dropping four of their last five games -- including losses to the 49ers and Seahawks -- to plummet out of the playoff picture. And now they're looking toward an offseason of Favre (233 yards, 1 TD, 3 INTs) yanking them around as he tries to make up his mind whether or not to retire, unretire, stay retired, etc.

The Dallas Cowboys: Tony Kornheiser's pick after Week 3 to not only reach but WIN the Super Bowl...didn't even make the playoffs. Now, all they had to do was wipe that dysfunction off their faces and win one of their final two games. But they did not. And the regular season finale, a 44-6 butt-whomping by the Eagles, was insult and injury to their insult and injury. Tony Romo, who threw for 183 yards and an interception, is now 5-8 in the month of December, otherwise known as "Money Time." Romo is all grins and giggles when things are going well, but he's rather grim-faced when they are not. After suffering a rib injury during the game and reportedly passing out in the shower afterward, Romo was asked how he deals with defeat. His answer: "I wake up tomorrow and I keep living." Awh. Don't you just wanna give him a cookie or something?

Not-so-fun-fact: The 'Boys have lost nine consecutive season finales.

Who's a big, whining douchebag? This guy!
Donovan McNabb: I know I'm supposed to be impressed and amazed by his leadership and Philly's return from the playoff grave and all that...but seriously, I cannot stand Donovan McNabb. He's one of the biggest, whiniest crybabies when things aren't going his way, but he's all grins and giggles and flexing when they are. I feel sorry for whatever team ends up with his next season...

The AFC West: I think this nugget from the AP recap of the Broncos-Chargers game sums it up best: "The Chargers won their third straight division title by finishing 8-8, becoming the first team to go from 4-8 to the playoffs by routing the Denver Broncos 52-21 in the Ed Hochuli Bowl on Sunday night." Some additional not-so-fun facts: "The Chargers became the first team to win a division at 8-8 since the Cleveland Browns did it in 1985. They're the ninth team overall to make it to the playoffs at 8-8; only two of the previous teams to do it managed to win a game in the playoffs." The 2008 San Diego Chargers: Joining the ranks of the NFL's historically mediocre teams. Congrats!

Awh. Don't feel bad, Jay. At least you havea stronger arm than John Elway!
The Denver Broncos: They spent the first 16 weeks of the 2008 season in first place in the AFC West...and all they had to do to clinch the division was win one of their final three games...but they did not. And, much like the Cowboys, they bowed out in dramatically 'bawful fashion, losing by 31 to the suddenly playoff-bound Chargers. And Brandon Marshall kind of summed up the lackadaisical attitude of a team that wandered aimlessly through the season when he said: "It was kind of frustrating to see that three-game lead come down to this and see San Diego kind of take off on us. But, hey, that's football." Well, hey, I guess he's right!

Eric Mangini, Rod Marinelli and Romeo Crennel: RIP.

Panthers/Giants: Hot Live Action!

2008-12-21T17:30:00.000-08:00

Hey, kiddos!

The Blogger Formerly Known As futuremrsrickankiel here. Been a while and all that... I've had my hands full keeping you up-to-date on the Bruins' current gem of a season over att Mass Hysteria, and have let my making-fun-of-shitty-NFL-players duties fall by the wayside.

Tonight, though, is simply too good to pass up, as a team I loathe with every fiber of my being and a team I've been crushing on since Week 3 meet up for one of the biggest games of the season. Yes, it's the Panthers at the Giants, as two mighty 11-3 teams square off for guts, glory, and homefield advantage in the playoffs. My Patriots won, the Jets lost, Phil Kessel's point streak is at 18 games, and I'm feeling magnanimous despite my hangover. Let's liveglog this shiz, fools!

Join me as I take on the task of liveglogging this NFC barnburner while trying to restrain myself from putting my fist through my television during those insipid "He went to Jared!" ads. Die in a fire, you gold-digging harpies.

It's 7-3, Panthers, by the way. At some point, the Giants are going to realize they have to run triple coverage on Steve Smith. It doesn't look like we've reached that point yet.

4:15, 1st. Brandon Jacobs is a freaking monster. He's the only Giant I do not hold in utter contempt. Mostly because I'm kind of afraid of him. Here he is again at the 46, creating yards gained out of literally nothing. DAMN IT BOOOOOO!

2:45, 1st. Jacobs again. I'm sensing a theme. And AGAIN. 3rd and 3 for New York at the 31. Julius Peppers is looking unusually helpless. Argh John Madden talking is NOT helping my hangover.

We're at the end of the first quarter and it's still 7-3, Panthers. As a Patriots fan, I'm routinely starved for a running game, so I can't say I'm not a wee bit titillated by the Jacobs/Williams/Ward/Stewart mashup currently on the field tonight. Also, it's cold in New Jersey tonight, so we can play my favorite game: Watch Tom Coughlin's Face Turn Purple!

13:38, 2nd. BRANDON JACOBS TOUCHDOWN. The Giants' O-line appears to have tightened up after last week's sack party. Bummer. I love watching Eli get sacked. I'd embed a video of a Manning sack, but I just went to YouTube to look for one and all that came up when I looked for "eli manning sack" were Superbowl XLII highlights. FUCK YOU, INTERNET.

11:54, 2nd. J-Stew takes it to the 48 for the PANTHERS WOO! Did I mention I kinda dig the Panthers? Also, can we laugh about Tim Tebow being projected as a tight end in the NFL draft? Heh. Hehehehehehe. Wendy's commercials irritate me to the point where I think I'm secretly cheering for Type II diabetes. J-Stew appears to have gotten hurt on that last run, but walked off the field.

10:18, 2nd. DeAngelo Williams can run fast wooo.

8:50, 2nd. 2nd and goal for Carolina. Williams has it in for a TOUCHDOWN and the Panthers are back up 14-10... "much to the consternation and exasperation of Tom Coughlin." Thanks, Al Michaels! Coughlin's current facial hue: pomegranate. I have one of those stuffy noses where no matter how much I blow my nose it won't clear out. Bah.

8:07, 2nd. Wait, Eli Manning's in the Pro Bowl? How did I not hear about this? Oh, right. I did. A HUNDRED MILLION FUCKING TIMES. Wait, and he has a brother? Who also plays football? GUHH. Also, "empty patch of turf"? Ineligible receiver, Eli my dear. Madison Hedgecock has a carry, for some reason, and the Giants appear to be struggling to regain the offensive rhythm they displayed on their last drive... a speedy 3-and-out. Panthers have it at the 35. COUPLES IN HOLIDAY COMMERCIALS MAKE ME WANT TO PUNCH THINGS. "Oh, honey, you got me a Lexus? This totally makes up for your sexual inadequacies! I'M SO HAPPY!"

5:02, 2nd. HOLY SHITE. A yoooge high Jake Delhomme pass is nearly picked off by Aaron Ross, but Muhsin Muhammed is THERE to make the 60-yard catch and set the Panthers up for a 1st-and-goal, just like that. My god that was sexy. BOOM it's another Panthers TD and STEVE SMITH OWNS YOUR SOUL. Whee! Coughlin (current facial hue: maroon) is challenging the play, claiming that Smith was out of bounds before crossing the plane, which may actually be true I guess WHATEVER. I'm dying of sinus disgustingness and you don't see ME complaining. Or I guess you do, actually. Shit. Whatever. Still, that pass was pretty freaking excellent for a team that's got a mediocre passing game at best. The challenge is upheld, by the by, and the Panthers will take the ball at the half-yard line. Eff that noise, says DeAngelo Williams, who vaults over the Giants D for his third (motherfucking) touchdown of the game. 21-10, Panthers.

John Madden is on the verge of shedding sloppy, ranch dressing-flavored man tears of joy while reminiscing about Sammy Baugh. Gag me.

3:14, 2nd. ELI MANNING SACKED! You know what this means.

2:00, 2nd. The Giants have elected to start running coverage on Steve Smith. ZOMG someone must be reading my liveglog!

1:50, 2nd. Another almost-INT from Jakey. Carolina will punt. Ahmad Bradshaw drops the punt but recovers it to put the Jints at the 45 with a little over a minute to go in the half. Derrick Ward has a monster run to put New York at the 20 or so. Tom Coughlin facewatch: deep magenta. Eli tries to pass for some reason. Passes AGAIN (seriously, what the fuck is he doing?) only to have it knocked away by Julius Peppers and nearly intercepted. New York will settle for a field goal, and NBC will settle for another Old Timey Football Flashback(TM) rather than discuss anything pertaining to the considerable storylines surrounding this game. It's all so predictable.

0:45, 2nd. Williams is stuffed at the 35 as the Panthers appear to be running down the clock rather than risk a turnover. They'll go into the half with a 21-13 lead. To sum up: the Giants can run but cannot pass, I'm down almost an entire box of tissues, John Madden is old, and there's no fucking way I'm sitting through an NBC halftime show so I'll catch you kids on the flip side.

15:00, 3rd. Here we are! The Panthers will start with the ball on the 33. Justin Tuck has the flu, apparently, which is a big frowny face for the Giants. First down for the Panthers, as we learn that Jonathan Stewart apparently had a head injury in the first half but is now back on the field. I'm being boring, aren't I? Goddamn it. This is actually a good game, so there's only so much sarcasm and unnecessary hyperbole I can bring to the table. DAMN YOU, QUALITY FOOTBALL! You give me so little to work with.

12:42, 3rd. Yikes, there's ANOTHER Delhomme pass that was millimeters (what is this, the CFL?) away from being picked off. Carolina will punt on a 4th and 4. Also, I'm fully aware that I'm like the ONLY person in the world that likes those Coors Light ads where they splice in audio clips of NFL coaches, but I think they're awesome so put a sock in it.

11:22, 3rd. The Giants are running a shotgun offense, for some reason, and it's (not surprisingly) unsuccessful. Too bad about Plax, guys! It's pretty evident to me, with my vast wealth of finely-honed football knowledge, that both Delhomme and Manning would do well to take a back seat for the rest of this one and just let their star running backs carry the game. But what the fuck do I know? Tom Coughlin facewatch: eggplant.

9:42, 3rd. I hope someone buys me a Steve Smith jersey for Christmas. I need a boyfriend to buy me things. AHH FUCK! I've been watching too many holiday commercials! In other news, the Red Wings/Blackhawks game at Wrigley looks SO FREAKING COOL I kind of want to blow off my current New Year's plans (hipster kid parties in Brooklyn/avoiding Manhattan like the plague) and go.

8:06, 3rd. Our first flag of the game, as a struggling Eli Manning is called for "delay of game" to make it a 3rd-and-10 for the Giants... Kevin Boss makes the catch for a first down. Brandon Jacobs looks like he might be hurt, which I'd venture to say would probably mean curtains for the Giants. Here comes Ward, though, who has ANOTHER massive run for a 23-yard gain. New York has yet to make it to the red zone... but here's the oft-forgotten Amani Toomer with a catch.

3:00, 3rd. Am I missing something? Madison Hedgecock has a freaking catch to give the Giants a 1st-and-goal. GOD IT'S SO IRRITATING WHEN TEAMS I HATE ARE COMPETENT AND WELL-BALANCED. Carolina's Chris Harris smashes into Brandon Jacobs to prevent the TD... he'll be feeling that in the morning.

0:59, 3rd. TOUCHDOWN, GIANTS. They won't try to convert, and it's now 21-20, Carolina. This seriously is a great game, by the way. I hope you're watching, and not doing something lame like "spending time with your family" or "buying Christmas presents" or "enjoying the quiet majesty of a winter wonderland."

0:00, 3rd. Muhsin Muhammed catches it at the 50 to give the Panthers a first down as the clock runs out on the third quarter. I'm getting sleepy. I want tea and a Steve Smith touchdown.

13:25, 4th. The Panthers are still in the middle of this drive, but Delhomme has a beautiful completion to HOLY GOD DEANGELO WILLIAMS JUST SCORED ANOTHER FUCKING TOUCHDOWN. SWEET MERCIFUL HORSEDONG. 28-20, Panthers.

Does anyone else find the unintentional irony in these commercials about a baby investing money in the wake of the biggest investment scam in history kind of awesome?

11:20, 4th.The Giants line up in a pass formation, but will hand it off to Brandon Jacobs in what I can only assume is a nod to common sense. Here comes Derrick Ward to take it to the 33. There are 335 total rushing yards to only 287 total passing yards. Admit it: you're impressed by my ability to analyze football using "numbers" and stuff. The Giants fail to capitalize on Jacobs and Ward's hard work, and will wind up punting on a 4th-and-15. Jeff Feagles is a very good punter but you won't see me writing a fucking sonnet about it. Did I mention I don't like the Giants?

7:25, 4th. Current Tom Coughlin facial hue: Is "yelling at people" a color?

7:09, 4th. The Giants have it at the 48 but they're called for a false start (the game's 2nd flag). Nice Eli pass (bah!) for a first down. The tall-and-awkward Toomer comes up with a huge conversion to take the Giants to the 22, and I'd wager that a lot of fans in Giants Stadium are currently second-guessing Tom Coughlin's decision not to go for 2 after the last touchdown. 3rd and 5.

4:06, 4th. Boss for the first down. And here I was cherishing dreams of Giants fan dreams drowning in a sticky quagmire of field goals, tears, and failure. FUCK ME there's a pass interference in the end zone from Carolina, and Brandon Jacobs will stroll it in as nicely as you please for the touchdown. Will Tom Coughlin kick the extra point, or go for the conversion? OH IT'S ALL SO EXCITING.

3:21, 4th. Giants tie it up on the conversion. I guess that's a big deal and shit so here's an exclamation point: !

3:56, 4th. Mark Jones takes it to the Carolina 38 to kick off will HOPEFULLY be a successful scoring drive. My suggestion, Panthers? GIVE THE BALL TO DEANGELO WILLIAMS. Carolina is taking their time as we approach the two-minute warning. My sister is bringing me Nyquil. Everything's going to be ok, kids.

1:51, 4th. Hokay as awesome as Steve Smith is, he'd not doing shit with double coverage on him. Allow me to repeat, Carolina: GIVE THE BALL TO DEANGELO WILLIAMS.

1:25, 4th. Muhsin Muhammed for the first down. Delhomme DROPS the fucking ball but HERE COMES DEANGELO WILLIAMS OH MY GOD I HAVE SEE THE FACE OF OUR LORD AND HIS NAME IS DEANGELO. Guhh, a sloppy holding penalty on Steve Smith (seriously, boo, WHAT is your deal tonight) will cost the Panthers yards, but they've still got the first down. Justin Tuck looks like I feel. I'd feel sorry for him if he weren't a fucking Giant.

0:54, 4th. DeAngelo's in on the Wildcat formation... 3rd-and-6, Panthers. AHH DAMMIT Williams is down, and here comes a 50-yard field goal attempt from Carolina. What a superb game this has been... plus, I've learned more about K balls and the apparently really interesting and complex methodology for storing them than I ever wanted to know. Thanks, Al and John!

FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT MISSED THE FIELD GOAL. Here comes overtime!

The Panthers lose the coin toss... damn you, Delhomme, you are just ANTS AT A MOTHERFUCKING PICNIC today.

14:07, OT. THREE AND OUT FROM THE JINTS. HerewegoPanthers! Tom Coughlin facewatch: The Masque of the Red Death.

12:31, OT. Well goddamn it. There's a 3-and-out from Carolina, too. Oh, but R.W. McQuarters DROPS it! He'll recover it at around the New York 19. Brutal! Also, I'm really glad I took out my nose ring because my nose is currently a mess and a half. ACK WHAT WHAT WHAT here comes Derrick Ward with ANOTHER beastly beast of a run to carry it all the way out to around the Carolina 40. Hot damn! That's 184 freaking yards on the night for Ward. Here comes another incomplete Eli pass. WHY IS ANYBODY BOTHERING TO PASS IN THIS GAME?

11:01, OT. Once again, the Giants line up in the shotgun but give it to Ward, who gets the first down. WOO RUNNING GAME! No thanks to you, Steve Smith, whom my good pal Grimey has honored with the following:

10:24, OT. 216 yards for Ward as he takes it in to give the Jints a 1st-and -goal... GODDAMN IT THERE'S BRANDON JACOBS IN TO WIN IT FOR THE GIANTS.

Giants win, 34-28. That was a pretty freaking phenomenal game, I SUPPOSE. Guhh. Time to go upstairs and try to fall asleep despite not being able to breathe through my nose. If the Giants win the goddamn Superbowl again I will never watch another minute of NFL football.

Weekend Worsties: Awful Football Conference

2008-12-16T13:28:00.000-08:00

Yep, you lost. To the Texans.
Okay, so you're probably wondering how the Tennessee Titans -- a team that managed to stay undefeated through their first 10 games of the season -- suffered an exceedingly ugly 13-12 loss to the Houston Texans. Simple: Stat curse. On the day of that fateful game, Knoxnews.com published a story titled There's no letup in Titans' vocabulary in which the author said "[Tennessee] won't be slowing down as they look to secure home-field advantage throughout the playoffs" and Titans linebacker Keith Bulluck added that "There's definitely going to be no letup. ... We're going to take care of Houston and let everything else take care of itself." Then mention was made of this little fun fact: Texans coach Gary Kubiak hadn't beaten the Titans since taking over the Texans and Tennessee has won the last seven games in the series. Oh, and Houston's last and only wins against Tennessee came when it swept the 2004 series.

So, uh, yeah. That's like a stat curse powered up by a Tanooki suit and an invincibility star. The Titans really didn't have a cookie's chance at a Cookie Monster convention. Which is a bummer for them, since they blew a chance to secure homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. Of course, Titans cornerback Cortland Finnegan was quick with an excuse for the loss: "They weren't doing that well, but it was their Super Bowl and credit them for being the good team today."

However, Titans linebacker Keith Bulluck had a more realistic appraisal of the sitch: "Hopefully we'll be up for the challenge and guys will come back from vacation. I think we were on vacation this week, knowing we got a bye and whatever other good stuff happened for us last week. But I know as a team we need to get our heads out of our (expletive) and come out and play football. Pittsburgh is playing for way more than us next week."

Yes, injuries suck. But look at it this way.You get to leave. You're the lucky one.
But the Titans weren't the only team choking up a winnable game on the road. Those hapless, helpless Detroit Lions were doing the same thing in Indy. Detroit clawed their way back from a 21-10 halftime deficit to tie the game at 21-all with just under 13 minutes remaining before once again succumbing to what seems to be their fate (not to mention Dallas Clark's single-game franchise-record-for-tight-ends 12 receptions, 142 yards and touchdown): The 0-14 Lions have now lost 15 straight and 21 of their last 22...and they're two defeats away from becoming the first NFL team to finish 0-16. Said Lions QB Dan Orlovsky: "No one wants to be part of that. No one wants to have their name involved with that. It's tough to swallow, everybody says we stink. We don't have much debate with that." Not really, no.

But don't think Indianapolis is except from a little stink eye: The Smurfs fumbled four times (losing two), blew a nearly certain scoring drive because of a stupid holding penalty, and their defense basically quit in the second half. And yes, they've done a great job in winning seven straight to recover from that 3-4 start...but most of the wins in the streak have been shaky at best. Said Colts coach Tony Dungy: "We weren't as sharp as we'd like to be. We couldn't make the plays we needed to put the game away, but it's something we expected." Wait. You expect to be NOT sharp and struggle to ice a game against the Lions?! Oooookay. I guess that sort of tells you all you need to know about Indy's playoff chances...

Now, Riddle me this, Batman: What's worse, that the Suck Diego Chargers nearly lost to the Kansas City Chiefs, or that the the Chiefs lost after building a 21-3 third-quarter lead. Hell, KC was still leading by 11 points with one minute and 14 seconds left. Then...things unraveled. Philip Rivers threw a TD pass to Malcom Floyd, but failed on the two-point conversion. The ensuing onside kick bounced off Chiefs WR Dwayne Bowe's chest and San Diego recovered. Four plays later, Rivers tossed another TD to Vincent Jackson to put the Chargers up one. SD then missed ANOTHER two-point conversion, which set them up for a loss if the Chiefs could only kick a field goal. And chances of that looked slim until Shaun Phillips got glogged for a delay-of-game penalty for running into an official trying to place the ball. Said Philips: "I got pushed in the back. I hit the ref, so it was on me, but I got pushed by their guy."

So KC got a 50-yard field goal attempt for the win...only Chiefs kicker Connor Barth -- who had been nine-for-nine before missing a 34-yarder in the first half -- was wide left. Said Barth: "I'm kind of speechless. Don't know what to say. There's no excuse." Indeed. And now the Chiefs have to win their final two games to avoid setting a franchise record for fewest wins in a 16-game season. They play Miami and then travel to Cincy for their final game.

Pictured: Guy who is about to gethis butt kicked in the locker room.
Of the win, Rivers said: "There have been so many doubts and we've fallen so short of the expectations. The way we've bounced back these past two weeks in our division and won says a lot about our guys. It is big for our locker room and team, no matter what plays out the rest of the day." Yes. The 6-8 Chargers must be real proud to have beaten the 3-11 Raiders and the 2-12 Chiefs. That REALLY says a lot about the San Diego as a team...only not quite what Rivers had in mind.

Here are some final "fun" facts. First, boning the 21-3 lead was only they second-worst collapse of the season for Kansas City. They also blew a 24-3 lead against Tampa...which was a team record. Now, the Chargers gave up three sacks to the the Chiefs, who have the league's worst pass rush. How bad is that pass rush? KC has a league-low nine sacks and they need five more in their last two games to avoid tying the NFL record for fewest in a season. In fact, the Chiefs hadn't gotten a sack since playing San Diego four games ago. Speaking of which, five of KC's nine sacks game against the Chargers...who beat Chiefs twice this year by a total of only two points. Modern science cannot possibly quantify all the fail in the game or this paragraph. Let's move on.

Sadly, the Chargers and Chiefs weren't the only two teams slugging it out for "Which One Is Worse" dishonors. With less than two minutes remaining in their home game against the Bills, the Jets looked like they were about to suffer a devastating loss that would cost them the AFC East division lead and possibly deal their playoff hopes a fatal blow. Then Buffalo said, "Whoa now, whoa now, you do NOT suck worse than us" and, instead of chewing up the clock by running Marshawn Lynch -- who had 127 yards on 21 carries -- Dick "I stopped coaching after getting my contract extension" Jauron called a passing play for J.P. Losman...who got sacked from behind by Abram Elam. The sack forced a fumble that was retrieved by Shaun Ellis and returned 11 yards for the game-winning touchdown. Wow, wow, wow.

Uh oh. This could end badly...
...and it does.
Said Jauron: "Clearly the responsibility for the last call, the play-action pass, that was mine. That goes right on me. It backfired clearly and caused us to lose the game. It's one of those times in a game that's pretty good for a pass, right before the 2-minute." Uh...you sure about that coach? Really?!

Now, amazingly enough, the Bills had two more chances to come back...but Losman threw two interceptions. Game over.

And perhaps lost amidst all the collapsing was the performance of Brett Favre, who was only 17-of-30, tossed a couple picks, and was missing receivers all over the place. Said Brett: "Maybe I don't have the arm I once had. I don't know." News flash: Brett Favre doesn't know whether his arm was cut off and surgically replaced with one that was formerly owned by Cade McNown. I promise to look into this.

(P.S. To all you Bills fans out there, I'm sorry but they are who we thought they were.)

(Speaking of which, do I really need to break down the Raiders' 49-26 loss to the Patriots in which Matt Cassel threw a career-high four TDs and LaMont "He's still alive?!" Jordan chewed up his former team for 97 yards on the ground, including on 49-yard TD run? Yeah, didn't think so.)

Let's wrap things up in Baltimore, where the Ravens had a chance to keep alive their hopes of winning the AFC North. And things were looking pretty good for the first 56 minutes or so, particularly since the Steelers -- who had a measly six points at the time -- began their final drive at their 8 with 3:36 left. No matter. Pittsburgh moved the ball 92 yards in 13 plays to score the game-winning touchdown with 43 seconds left. Big Ben went 7-for-11 for 89 yards on the drive. No problem. It was the Steelers' first win in Baltimore since 2002.

The Ravens, who were held to a season-low 202 yards, had kind of shot themselves in the talon on the previous series, when they had moved the ball to Pittsburgh's 27 before a third-down sack forced them to punt. Whoops. Also worth noting is that only one Baltimore drive lasted longer than nine plays or 34 yards. Ouch.

Of course, there was a little controversy regarding the game-winner. The play was reviewed because it sure looked like Santonio Holmes' feet were in the end zone while the ball was not. But don't take my word for it. Watch for yourself:

After the game, referee Walt Coleman said: "He had two feet down. When he gained control of the ball, the ball was breaking the plane." If you say so, Walt. That said, the Steelers still would have had the ball on the goal line with plenty of time to punch it in. But still...it's been one lousy season for officiating in the NFL. I bet David Stern is freaking jumping up and down with joy.

One last 'bawful side note to the game: After Steelers kicker Jeff Reed converted the extra point following Holmes' touchdown-that-wasn't-one, Reed and Steelers' punter Mitch Berger got into a jawing match with Ravens cornerback Frank Walker. Stunningly, Reed got flagged for a 15-yard personal foul for shoving Walker. What could cause a kicker/punter/cornerback dustup you ask? Well, after the game, Berger told the Pittsburgh media that Walker tried to make contact with Reed's knee and when Berger approached Walker, Walker supposedly spit in Berger's mouth. No, really. Said Berger: "I tried to get in the middle to separate him, but he got in my face and spit right in my mouth. He spit right in my mouth. I'm still trying to spit that...out. I was talking to him, trying to separate everybody, and he spit right in my mouth."

I'm sure you'll join me in saying: Bwahahahahah! Naturally, Walker was unavailable for comment, but Ravens coach John Harbaugh was available to go over-the-top in defense of his player. "That's the first I heard that. I don't believe it for one second. Frank Walker wouldn't do it; none of our players would do it. I don't believe it for one second." Indeed. It's totally unbelievable. They would, however, make their fans throw up in their mouths a little...

The NFC's weekend pooperpalooza

2008-12-08T12:53:00.000-08:00

Ah, the Lions...still winless despite carrying a 13-10 lead into the fourth quarter of their game against the Vikings. And they even got an early Christmas gift when Gus Frerotte was sidelined by a back injury and replaced by Tarvaris "No Action" Jackson. Watching this team play -- in the immortal words of Patches O'Houlihan -- is "like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob!" And, bad news for the Detroit faithful (assuming there are any left): Your Lions are playing the Colts in Indianapolis next weekend. So you can probably go ahead and just mark them down for 0-14.

Oddly enough, Lions coach Rod Marinelli is maintaining an air of deluded and possibly neurotic optimism. Said Marinelli: "I'm looking forward to this week. We're playing a heck of a team, but we think we've got a good chance." Really, Rod? Really?! A good chance of what, exactly? Because unless "suck" is contagious, the Colts are going to trample all over your sad little team.

But my favorite Lions-related quote of the weekend, though, came from Jason Hanson, who's getting paid over $2 million this year to kock footballs: "We've got something to play for." Well, I'm certainly glad that 0-13 has you so inspired, Ryan. It must be so nice to have something to play for.

The nadir of Detroit's defeat most likely was Detroit center Dominic Raiola, who flipped off the home fans and then went apeshit afterward. Said Raiola: "I don't take one thing back. I'm just tired of hearing it coming at just me. It's coming at me because I've been here for years. I've been through the losing. Me, Jeff (Backus) and whoever else are the head of the losing. I'm just so frustrated. I'm tired of being a doormat for people to just talk to us how they want to talk to us. I'm just not going to put up with that anymore. I'd do that, but you cant [gives fans your home address]. Nobody plays with fists. Everybody wants to play with metal." So he'd like to have Lions fans show up at his house for a fistfight, but he's afraid they'd shoot him. All I can say is...wow.

The Lions' historic ineptitude and Raiola's sociapathic attitude aside, the really BIG news COMING out of Detroit yesterday was the exposed schlong that was broadcast by the FOX network. Oh yes they most certainly did. (I have, of course, provided a SFW image. If for some unholy reason you want to see the full monty, well, follow the link.)

And then there is the sad case of the Green Bay Packers, who watched Matt Schaub return from ~~the dead~~ a knee injury to carve them up like a Birdmas ham, throwing for a career-high 414 yards and 2 touchdowns in the three degree weather at Lambeau Field. It was the Green Bay's third consecutive loss, which dropped them to 5-8 makes it virtually impossible for the Pack to return to the playoffs...even in the maggot-infested barf burger that is the NFC North.

Note the conspicuous absense of the Green Bay defense...
Fun fact: Yesterday's 24-21 loss to the Texans was Green Bay's fifth loss by four points or fewer this season. Ouchies. Said Aaron Rodgers: "The frustrating part is, it's been right there in front of us. We've had the opportunity to execute and finish those games off and we haven't." C'mon, Aaron! If you want football victory you gotta grab it by its haunches and hump it into submission, that's the only way!

In Philadelphia, the Giants finally dropped one. I guess the grind of trying to repeat as NFL champions while absorbing several significant losses on defense and missing your first string running back and then having his backup go down with a knee injury in the third quarter and losing your star receiver -- maybe forever -- after an accidental gunshot wound to the leg at a dance club that he tried to cover up and therefore will probably end up in jail really can get to a team, for one game at least. And still the Eagles won by only 4. Fly proud, my friends.

It's good to see him smile...especially sincehis season'll be endingin a few weeks.
Of course, Eagles tight end L.J. Smith wants to believe his mediocre-at-best team is simply a Giant Killer: "I just think we kind of beat them. It's tough to say. That's one of those: 'How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll?' Who knows if the distractions hurt them and helped us? I don't know." Don't worry, L.J. I promise you'll have plenty of extra time in the offseason to contemplate that and many other deep thoughts, like instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

Random note: Eli Manning was 13-for-27 for 123 yards. So, you know, don't rush to finish that bronze bust. He's still a few years away from induction at Canton.

Dear St. Louis Rams: Congrats for handing the Arizona Cardinals -- yes, you are in fact reading this correctly -- their first division title in what might as well be since forever (although in reality it's been "only" 33 years). And you've gotta love 'Zona defensive tackle Darnell Dockett's reaction: "My coach was like, 'Act like you've been there before, act like you've been there before.' I said 'Coach, I ain't been there before. I don't know how to act right now.'" He's so cute I could vomit a Rainbow Brite finger painting. I also enjoyed this quote from Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt, for which I will provide no context whatsoever: "I was excited to get a bath. That's one of the things I guess as a coach you dream about." Dare to dream, Ken!

Fun talk aside, here's a big "C'mon, now!" to Kurt Warner (24-for-33, 279 yards, 1 touchdown), who had this to say regarding the so-called irony of his new team clinching a division title against his old team: "My God's got a sense of humor. Maybe that's part of it." Nice. Does your God's sense of humor have anything to do with your wife's hair, Kurt? I'm just curious.

Brenda Warner's hair: Proof Kurt's God has a sense of humor.
Here's my postscript on the Rams: 2-11. 'Nuff said.

Finally, we must discuss -- and by "discuss" I mean "me talk, you listen" -- the Dallas Cowboys, whom Tony Kornheiser annointed the Super Bowl champs after Week 3. Things have changed drastically since then, but, despite a cluster of embarrassing losses, the 'Boys are still in the playoff hunt. And their chances of leaving Pittsburgh with a huge win seemed pretty good after they stuffed Gary Russell for a 2-yard loss on a fourth-and-goal play from the Dallas 1 early in the fourth quarter, thus maintaining what at the time looked like an insurmountable 10-point lead. After the play, some of the Dallas players nearly herniated themselves celebrating. Bad idea. Terrell Owens, who was dressed in fashionable ninja attire on the sideline, denied his boys were rubbing it in. "It's all about momentum. It's just momentum. It wasn't us thinking the game was over by any means. Sometimes it's just like that. We were excited, the game was going our way." Uh huh.

Terrell Owens: So very, very ninja.
From that point forward, the Steelers' defense asserted itself. Not only did the Pitt Monsters rumble back to tie it, they managed to rattle Tony Romo by calling a timeout on what Romo thought was going to be a game-winning drive for the Cowboys. Said Steelers linebacker James Harrison: "He gave us that, 'Who called the time out? You called the time out?' Yeah, we called the time out."

Then, on the very next play, Deshea Townsend scored on a 25-yard interception return on the next play with 1:40 remaining...only 24 seconds after their game-tying touchdown. Cowboy Fail.

Now, I know this is gonna surprise you, but Jerry Jones was pissed after the game. Not just at his team, but at his missing running back, the injured Marion Barber (dislocated pinkie toe). Said Jones: "He can play with that injured toe. He can play with the soreness and a combination of those things. I see nothing that led us to believe he couldn't." Nice one, Jerry. As far as motivational speeches go, that's right up there with "Holy hell son, you're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!" I'm sure Marion'll just kill himself for you and your team next week.

Weekend crapercize: AFC bawfulness

2008-12-02T15:54:00.000-08:00

So my football Sunday started out with a game that was about as appetizing as a Thanksgiving turkey full of snapping monkey heads: Colts versus Browns, where the two teams barely managed to combine for 400 total yards and zero offensive touchdowns, and Peyton Manning threw for a season-low 125 yards...only the 10th time in 172 career starts that he finished with under 150 yards. Manning also tossed a couple of picks and fumbled the ball on a QB sneak, thus costing the wild horses a chance to notch a TD at the end of the first half.

Fortunately for the Colts, it is nearly impossible to out-fail the Browns. Derek Anderson, forced back into service only because of Brady Quinn's season-ending finger injury (insert "Brady Quinn is a huge, flapping vagina" joke here), managed to not only out-suck Manning by throwing for a paltry 110 yards, getting sacked three times, and losing a fumble that was returned by Robert Mathis for Indy's game-winning touchdown, he also trumped Quinn by suffering his own season-ending injury: A sprain of the medial collateral ligament in his left knee that was caused by the helmet of one of his own teammates on Cleveland's last drive of the game. Man. I'm starting to think that some Cleveland fan must have pooped on a Bible or something. At least that might explain why God hates the Browns so much.

Meanwhile, the Ravens were administering a mercy killing to the Sad Tigers, who managed only 6 first downs and 155 yards. Total. To add a little dash of lemon juice to the sucking chest wound that is Cincy's season, Mark Clayton -- a guy who came into the game with only 311 yards and 2 touchdowns on the season -- burned them for 164 yards and 2 TDs, one on a diving, one-handed 70-yard catch and another on a gimmick play in which he completed a 32-yard pass to Derrick Mason. It was Clayton's first passing TD since high school. "Obviously, we're in a funk,” said Sad Tiger QB Ryan Fitzpatrick. "We have personnel that's better than these statistics." Uh, sure. Whatever you say, Ryan.

In St. Louis, the Dolphins received early Christmas gifts from Marc Bulger (3 INTs) and Rams coach Jim Haslett, who did in the fourth quarter what the 'Fins hadn't been able to do in the first three: Stop Stephen Jackson. Jackson -- who finished with 94 rushing yards on 21 attempts -- had only one carry in the final stanza because, in Haslett's words, he was "gassed and his leg was starting to bother him." Uh, yeah. Jackson called "bullshit" on that one after the game. Said Jax: "No, I wasn't gassed. It wasn't my conditioning. I wish he’d stop saying that." Ah, the Rams: They're just one big, happy, 2-10 family. (Memo to the other 31 NFL teams: There's a good chance Haslett will be available for next season. Please make all employment inquiries c/o The St. Louis Rams.)

Uh, hey, that's your own...you know what? Never mind. Suck on.
On to San Diego, where the continually disappointing Chargers -- whom I actually heard referred to on sports radio last week as "The most potentially dangerous 4-7 team in NFL history" -- dumped another shovel full of dirt on the grave of their playoff hopes. Michael Turner, the Bolts' former backup RB, stomped all over his old team for 120 yards while, on the other side of the ball, LaDanian Tomlinson, finished with 24 yards on 14 carries...the second-lowest total of his eight-year career...the lowest being a 7-yard stinker at Philadelphia on October 23, 2005. (That primal scream you may have heard on Sunday came from the dying souls of LT fantasy owners everywhere.) Okay now, can we all agree that, at four games below .500, the Chargers aren't going to come back and challenge the Broncos for the division? Great. Let's move on.

Not as sad as Sad Tiger...but close.
And in New England, a week's worth of "Maybe the Patriots don't need Tom Brady after all" stories were rendered obsolete by the utter destruction of Matt Cassel, who was beaten and battered into committing four of the Patriots' five second-half turnovers (two interceptions, two fumbles), empowering the Steelers to outscore the home team 23-0 after halftime. So, in case any of you are still confused, Matt Cassel does not equal Matt Brady, mmmkay?

Not pictured: Tom Brady.
The Jets, fresh off of big-time road wins in New England and Tennessee, returned home only to remind their fans that they are, indeed, who we thought they were by suffering a 17-point loss to the Jeckyll and Hyde Broncos. So much for all that "Maybe the Jets are the best team in the AFC" talk. (For the record, the talk should be about how lame and uninspiring the AFC is this season, such that any team on any given week can look like the best team in the conference.) Jay Cutler said "Fie! Fie, I tell you!" to the rain, throwing for 357 yards and 2 touchdowns while Rookie Peyton Hillis shredded New York's third-ranked rush defense for a career-high 129 yards and a TD. Said Jets running back Thomas Jones: "We just didn't show up like we were supposed to today." You said it, bro.

Uh, Brett? Could you not daydream aboutre-retirement DURING the game please. Thanks.
Last week's 31-10 beatdown of the Broncos (in Denver, no less) was supposed to signal a new dawn for the hapless Raiders. Instead, it turned out to be nothing but the eye in the middle of the crapstorm that has been the 2008 Raider season. The Oakies lost 20-13 to the heretofore one-win Chiefs. And, fittingly enough, the winning margin was the result of a fumble on a faked field goal, which Maurice Leggett snapped up and returned 67 yards for a TD, ending Kansas City's seven-game losing streak. And as one losing streak ends, another begins...

And then there was Monday Night Football, a mighty faceoff between two teams that nobody wanted to watch. Suffice to say, one team won (the Texans) and one team lost (the Jaguars), but just as no one can hear you scream in space, nobody can feel me not giving a crap about this game. Fini.

NFC Week 13: The Search for Redemption

2008-12-02T10:03:00.000-08:00

Alas, poor NFL. I knew him well.

It was with a heavy heart that I announced to all of you the death of professional football this past Friday following a day of play so breathlessly unwatchable I was sure the NFL as a whole would never recover. But, oh, ye blogging femme of little faith! The NFL had died only to rise again, gloriously, for a day of actually halfway decent football that would deliver us all from the sins of overeating cranberry sauce and telling your grandmother you have a boyfriend so she'll leave you alone about your "ticking clock." Deliver us, O NFL Arisen! Thou hast come again.

Oh, and just to clarify: yes, I just compared the National Football League to Jesus. Just so we're all clear.

So. Ahem. A reading from the book of Week 13, or something. Thus spoke the prophet:

The outlook was admittedly even bleaker than I'd anticipated at the outset, as the 1pm San Francisco/Buffalo match-up yielded arguably the worst game of football yet played this season. Each team recorded an entirely scoreless half (Buffalo the first half, San Francisco the second half) en route to a jaw-droppingly lame 10-3 "win" for the 49ers. Fallen Buffalo hero Trent Edwards was ganked at halftime with a "groin injury" (no doubt lingering pain due to prolonged emasculation at the hands of one of football's worst teams) following a dismal 10-for-21, 112-yard first-half effort; his hapless replacement, JP Losman, went 11-for-17 with just 93 yards. Oh, and Rian Lindell missed ANOTHER 4th-quarter field goal. The saddest part in all this: Buffalo outgained San Francisco by a significant 350-195 margin, as San Fran proved as sacktacular and pass-averse as ever... yet the Bills utterly failed to capitalize on 4 trips to the red zone and were sent limping home, no doubt to spend the rest of the evening Googling "strip clubs in Toronto." No doubt about it: if I was looking for football redemption, I wasn't going to find it here.

An interesting note: with Sunday's win, the Niners actually because the first West Coast team to win a game on the East Coast this season. Wow! It's almost like the teams in the Western divisions all suck, or something.

I should have known, though, that the mighty NFC South would come through and deliver me from my woes. Up first: a clash between the insistent Buccaneers and their saintly New Orleans counterparts, which, despite a terribly predictable outcome (the Saints losing on the road? SHOCKING), offered up some excellent football on both sides of the field. His Moliness Drew Brees struggled somewhat, sending up 3 picks on the day, but Marques Colston caught for 106 yards (no thanks to a 3-carry, 0-yard effort from recently-returned onion lover Reggie Bush). Meanwhile, Tampa Bay was less than consistent on offense (13% 3rd down efficiency, Tampa?) but was able to recover after letting up a game-tying 10 points to New Orleans in the 4th thanks to a 37-yard Matt Bryant field goal that would cinch the 23-20 victory. If there's a better hero for this story of football love, loss, and redemption than Matt Bryant, I'd like to see him.

Also in the 1pm slot were the Giants, whose convincing 23-7 victory over the erstwhile heroic Redskins was, at least, a more balanced and watchable game than any of Thursday's atrocities. Oh, and in case you hadn't heard: Plaxico Burress is an idiot. I've made my thoughts on him (and his teammates) known elsewhere, so I'll just mooooove along for now.

Admit it: you knew how this was going to end. It was my beloved Panthers, who fought back for a well-deserved 35-31 victory over Green Bay (despite only controlling the ball for a hair over 22 minutes!), who would finally convince me that I could -- nay, WOULD -- love football again. It's all so beautiful... if a tad predictable.

Yes, despite a woefully abbreviated possession time and a 3rd quarter that saw them outscored 11-0, the Panthers managed a thrilling come-from-behind win thanks to a simply blistering 5-for-5 efficiency in the red zone and a staggering 4 rushing touchdowns from DeAngelo Williams. Thrilling! Blistering! Touchdowns! I thought I might never again have cause to use those words when talking about football. Thank you, DeAngelo Williams, for delivering me. Amen.

Oh, and also the Vikings beat the Bears to take over the division lead, but no one cared because it's the NFC North. Ha!

The Black Friday Bowl of Bawful

2008-11-28T06:36:00.002-08:00

They call this day Black Friday.

Some will tell you that this day's name derives from the teeming hordes of shoppers that descend, locust-like, on various retail locations across the country to begin the epic task for Christmas Shopping, blacking out the sky with their crazed bargain-hunting and demands for gift boxes. Today, however, this day has taken on a wholly new significance.

Today, my friends, is the day we mourn the death of professional football.

For so woeful, so VERY bawful, were the 3 games to which we were all subjected yesterday that it seems this great sport of ours can no longer insist on its own relevance, and must instead fade, ghost-like, into the shadows of days past. Observe:

Up first, while many of you were perhaps fortunate enough to still be en route to the home of a loved one and thus thankfully removed from a television, was a painful (although entirely predictable) 47-10 Titans win over the now-0-12 Lions. I valiantly attempted to watch this game, and it was SO AWFUL that it actually destroyed my will to watch any more football for the rest of the day. And it didn't just, like, quickly and painlessly snuff out my will to watch football, either. It ground it slowly and methodically into the pavement, like a cigarette butt under a cowboy boot, as my soul writhed and gasped out pleas for mercy. "NO MERCY," roared the Lions. It was somewhere around Rob Bironas' second FG in the 3rd quarter (this would give the Titans a 41-10 lead) that I peeled myself away from the TV and crawled weakly back to dinner, feeling sure that I would never again know happiness. Whom would you rather have as your starting quarterback: the current incarnation of Vince Young, or the current incarnation of Daunte Culpepper? Discuss, in an essay of 350-500 words. Extra credit will be given for use of the phrase, "would rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty corkscrew and feed them to a tank full of emaciated piranhas."

Even God cannot help you now, Calvin.
As it turned out, though, the fact that the televised embarrassment billed as a Lions game deterred me from any and all other planned football-watching was actually a boon. The mid-afternoon game, an equally lopsided match-up between the Cowboys and the irredeemably awful Seahawks, was just as dismal an affair. Despite enjoying nearly equal possession time with their opponents and amassing a respectable 322 net yards gained (by contrast, their hapless Detroit counterparts managed just 154), Seattle was unable to score a single touchdown and instead strung together three utterly meaningless field goals and a scoreless fourth quarter for a demoralizing 34-9 loss. All this, too, despite earning a total of 19 first downs! Was there some kind of invisible force field blocking the Seahawks from crossing the goal line?! It baffles the imagination, truly. Poor Matt Hasselbeck was sacked a whopping 7 times as his O-line apparently got their holidays mixed up and were running aimlessly about at the line of scrimmage looking for candy eggs. Or something.

Meanwhile, the Cowboys turned in 4 touchdowns as Tony Romo went 22 for 34 with 331 yards and 3 TDs. The rich get richer, and the poor get poorer. So it goes.

Please don't get failure on me.
Surely, one would have thought, the evening's avian altercation between the division*-leading Cardinals [*note that I refer to the NFC West as a "division" only in the loosest sense of the word -- Ed.] and the newly reinstated Dovovan McNabb and his Eagles would provide something akin to a worthwhile match-up. True, the Cardinals do not have what some football experts refer to as "defense," but the Eagles have been nothing if not dreadfully inconsistent thus far this season, and it strikes me that... oh ye gods.

Yes, Philadelphia walked away from this fray with a convincing 48-20 win to complete the day's Trifecta of Turf Tragedies thanks to an offense that managed to put up double digits in every single quarter and a defense that allowed Old Man Warner and his redbirds to control the ball for just a hair over 20 minutes. Brian Westbrook alone had 2 rushing touchdowns, 2 receiving touchdowns, and 130 total yards gained. In other words: the Detroit Lions could (and should, probably) scrap their entire offense in favor of just a center and Brian Westbrook, and would probably have a better record.

Just to put the day in perspective for you: yesterday's winning teams outscored yesterday's losing teams 129-39.

I come to bury football, not to praise it.

Pigskin on Turkey Day: Your All-Vegan Live Post

2008-11-27T09:46:00.000-08:00

It's Thanksgiving, and I have a case full of tasty Magic Hat microbrews plus 2 hours to kill before my mom serves dinner. So here I am, in front of the balanced and suspense-laden Lions/Titans match-up, to provide you with some running and possibly not-all-that-sober game commentary. It's what Abe Lincoln would have wanted, I'm sure.

13:30, 1st. I kid you not: the info for this game on my cable actually refers to the Lions as "woeful." Harsh! Then again, I guess 0-11 will do that to you. It's already 7-0, Titans. Calvin Johnson deserves better than the Lions. Daunte Culpepper is apparently hallucinating receivers to throw to. Kind of like when you play wiffleball and you have "ghost runners" that only lead to endless arguments along the lines of, "Nuh uh he was totally out!" "NO WAY my ghost runner has the speed of Jacoby Ellsbury combined with the impeccable timing of Grady Sizemore. Also your mom is a heifer."

10:30, 1st. The Lions are on the board with a 53-yard (!) field goal. I'm drinking "Odd Notion," which is a honey-brewed winter ale. Are these things in any way related? I like to think so.

8:21, 1st. Chris "4.24" Johnson with a 58-yard touchdown -- his second TD of the game. 14-3, Titans. That was fast. Hope you took the over, kids! Detroit has the worst run defense in the league. Even Sad Tiger finds them pathetic. Bo Scaife is on this Detroit blitz like your fat uncle is currently on the shrimp cocktail. NOM.

6:51, 1st. How the fuck do you OVERTHROW CALVIN JOHNSON, Culpepper?! He's like 8 feet tall! Detroit with a speedy 3-and-out. Chris Johnson licks his lips on the sidelines. The NFL on CBS team keeps showing shots of the clouds over Detroit... I'm assuming it's some ham-fisted metaphor for how terrible the Lions are. Either way, they look fluffy and inviting and are making me oddly hungry.

4:47, 1st. Ah, LenDale White. Now THERE is a man who likes his pie on Thanksgiving. Given the way Chris Johnson is tearing apart the Lions defense, I'm less than impressed at White's rushing this game. 3rd-and-long, Titans, and C-Jo can't get the first down. Puntage! Detroit's got it at the 21. Do we think they'll score on this drive? BAHAHAHAH I crack myself up. If you raise your child a Lions fan, doesn't that trigger some sort of response from the DSS? Unnecessary cruelty? Straight-up negligent parenting?

3:12, 1st. Daunte Culpepper weighs 277 pounds. He's unsackable! But it doesn't matter to these Titans, since he sure is interceptable, and it's now 21-3 Titans. My friend is suggesting that they fire Rod Marinelli at halftime. Personally, I'm in favor of them disbanding altogether and selling off the team as spare parts at halftime. Would it be poor form for the Titans to rest their starters in the second half?

1:43, 1st. A little Culpepper nostalgia for our enjoyment: a Thanksgiving Day game against the Cowboys with the Vikings in 2000. Two passes thrown to Randy Moss. Vikes win, 27-15. I remember that game vividly, as I was unhealthily obsessed with Randy Moss when I was in middle school and high school. I'd so much rather watch a rerun of that game, even knowing the outcome, than this travesty of a football game. Fie upon you, Lions! Are they really going to play 3 more quarters of this?

0:11, 1st. Dear god. Chris Johnson already has 89 YARDS ON THE GAME. Congratulations, in advance, to all Chris Johnson fantasy owners on your victories this week. Having the snap go to Kerry Collins almost seems like an unnecessary formality at this point. Kind of like wearing a belt to Thanksgiving dinner.

14:20, 2nd. Just to mix things up, the Titans give LenDale White the 1st-and-goal carry. 28-3, Titans. I've never seen a team score triple digits in a football game. I might get to see that today. Ooh, the excitement! I'm rooting for the Titans in the way that I root for the shark in Jaws. RARGH! EAT THEM! RARGH!

13:01, 2nd. Detroit is trying to become the first team ever to implement the "no receivers anywhere, ever" offensive scheme. OH MY GOD FIRST DOWN LIONS. Everyone finish your drink!

8:37, 2nd. The Titans have the ball again. Sorry if I got your hopes up with that whole "first down Lions" nonsense.

7:51, 2nd. The Lions ALMOST have a fumble recovery... but not quite, because they are the Lions. The Titans have 10 first downs so far this game. The Lions have 1. Dammit, there are only so many "the Lions are terrible" jokes one girl can make. GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK WITH, UNIVERSE!

4:47, 2nd. Justin McCareins with a spectacular 23-yard catch. Do the Lions know they're allowed to, like, stop the Titans from making plays? Has anyone gone over the rule book with them!

3:00, 2nd. Seriously, I left the room for under 2 minutes and it's now 35-3, Titans. I'm supposed to be making mashed potatoes, but instead I'm hiding in front of the television with beer. I might actually be a dude.

0:39, 2nd. Detroit knocks the ball from Kerry Collins' hand and almost has a touchdown on the fumble... but not quite, because they are the Lions. The Lions have what will undoubtedly be their only 1st-and-goal of the game. Odds they'll score? 5,897,000:1.

0:34, 2nd. TOUCHDOWN PASS TO MICHAEL GAINES! Detroit will enter the half down by just 25 points. If that's not the feel-good story of the year, I don't know what is. I need beer.

6:50, 3rd. 38-10, Titans. The Lions appear to have found a way to temporarily staunch their defensive hemorrhaging. I am simultaneously making green beans, beating my brother at Yahtzee, and drunk. WOO THANKSGIVING! Have a great one, everyone!

Happy Thanksgiving from Footbawful

2008-11-27T07:54:00.000-08:00

On behalf of the FutureMrs and myself, I would like to wish everybody out there a happy Turkey Day. Especially Lions fans, who have so little to be thankful for this year. My only Thanksgiving day advice is to avoid going back for fourths and do not, under any circumstances, invite John Madden to your feast.

Worst of the Weekend: The AFC craptacular!

2008-11-24T10:16:00.000-08:00

BUBBA CHOMP!! BUBBA CHEWY CHOMP!!
The Cleveland Browns. The Brownies followed up last week's hope-lifting win in Buffalo by scoring only 6 points in a home loss to the Houston Texans, proving once again that -- say it with me, people! -- they are who we thought they were. It was the Texans' first win in their last nine road games. "There's no explanation for it," Cleveland running back Jamal Lewis said, ignoring the obvious but totally correct "We really, really suck" explanation.

Brady "Maybe he's not the answer after all" Quinn was 8-for-18 for 94 yards and two interceptions before getting yanked in favor of the previously dethroned Derek Anderson...who went 5-for-14 for 51 yards (but only 1 INT!). Romeo Crennel, who looks more dazed and confused than a dog when you pretend to throw its favorite squeak toy but actually hide it behind your back instead, explained the QB switch thusly: "It was a combination of [Quinn's] decisions that could have been a little better and the injury to his finger. I decided to play the other guy for a little bit to see if that could give us a spark, and that didn't work either." If Romeo every writes a book about his head coaching career, I hope it's called "And That Didn't Work Either: My Time As A Total Failure In Cleveland."

Oh, and if you expected Quinn to be magnanimous about his benching, you'd better have your expectometer checked. Said the former Domer: "You would have to ask Coach why I was pulled. He was upset with a couple of decisions I made out there. I didn't have any idea that I was on such a short leash." He has a point. Romeo usually lets people suck for much longer than that before sitting them down. But that's because he's usually asleep on the sidelines.

The Kansas City Chiefs. Let's take a look at the box score: 21 first downs. That's good. 462 total yards. That's really good. 31 points. That's freaking fantastic! Unfortunately, they also gave up 444 yards and 54 points to the Bills. It was the most points any team has ever scored against the Chiefs, who committed 5 turnovers (2 interceptions and 3 lost fumbles) on their way to their 19th loss in the last 20 games, which is also a KC record...for the worst stretch in team history. It's kind of like in "Office Space" when Peter tells the shrink, "Every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life." For the Chiefs, every Sunday that they play is the worst Sunday in franchise history.

Herm Edwards, who's responsible for the embarrassing yellow puddle of suck the Chiefs have become, didn't sound too concerned after the game. When asked how his players would respond to the lastest in this long line of brutal humiliations, Herm said: "I anticipate they'll come to work Monday. They know what they did wrong. You've got to play smart and not turn the ball over and be careful with the fouls." That's some serious Zen there, Herm. Damn. It's like the man has become completely desensitized to human emotion. What would it take to rattle Edwards at this point? A giant space blog eating his entire team and spitting up the bones in his front yard?

By the way, if you need a Christmas gift idea for a down-on-his-luck friend, why not pick them up a copy of It's The Will, Not The Skill, a treatise on leadership as told by Herm Edwards. According to the official site: "A book for leaders: parents, teachers, coaches and managers who are building self-confidence and improving the performance of others. Principles and philosophies of SUCCESS as seen through the eyes, mind and heart of Herm Edwards, a recipe for becoming a success coach and achieving effective leadership skills." On second thought, don't give this book to the down-on-his-luck guy. Give it to a successful friend you'd like to take down a peg.

Read this book and prepare to forgeteverything you ever knew about winning.
The Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins, so sad and downtrodden these last few years, had an opportunity to make a statement at home against the Patriots and thereby put themselves in great position to possibly earn their first playoff berth since they didn't suck so incredibly much. How did they respond, you ask? By letting their division rivals steamroll them for 530 total yards and 48 points. They so meekly submitted to Matt Cassel's will that I wouldn't be surprised if Miami's defensive linemen let Cassel have an orgy with all their wives and baby mamas last night. 'Mazing Matt was 30-43 for 415 yards and 3 touchdowns. He also ran in a touchdown. And I bet you never expected someone to be able to utter the words "Matt Cassel is actually playing BETTER than Tom Brady" and be somewhat serious, did you? Said Randy Moss (125 yards, 3 TDs): "Matt is getting in the comfort zone. He's playing some hellified ball."

Speaking of Moss, he claimed that his performance was a response to the Dolphins immense disrespect, which was characterized by single coverage. "I don't know why Coach disrespected me like that. Any time I feel disrespected, then I want to go out there and make it happen. I think they disrespected me today by playing me single coverage and letting me have fun and do what I like to do -- and that's getting in that end zone." His words actually carry more weight than you might think. If there's anyone in the NFL who knows what it means to disrespect an opponent, it's Moss.

As if the 20-point loss wasn't bad enough, the 'Fins had a complete meltdown at the end of the game. Channing Crowder and the Patriots' Matt Light were ejected midway through the fourth quarter. Crowder lost his helmet when blocked by Light on a field-goal attempt and shoved Light, who responded by taking several swings at Crowder's head. Then, with less than three minutes left, Miami's Joey Porter was penalized for a personal foul and unsportsmanlike conduct.

Said Dolphins coach Tony Sparano: "It looked like a lack of poise. We did the things that young, immature teams do." Defensive linemen Vonnie Holliday and Jason Ferguson apologized the dickery. Said Holliday: "We didn't show much class at the end. What's so disappointing about this loss is not only were we beaten, but the way we handled the loss, especially at the end." He's not wrong.

The Tennessee Titans. It wasn't so much that they suffered their first loss of the season -- we all knew it was only a matter of time -- it was more about how it happened. Instead of close loss after an epic showdown, the Titans received a 34-13 butt-kicking in front of their home crowd.

And sure, the defense got chewed up by Brett Favre (25-for-32, 224 yards, 2 TDs) and the Thomas Jones/Leon Washington combo platter (178 total yards and 2 TDs), but the offense was the real culprit. Chris Johnson and LenDale White managed only 46 yards on 11 attempts (White had -1 yards on the day) and the Kerry's Krew only managed to hold onto the ball for 19 minutes (compared to 40 for the Jets). Titans fullback Ahmard Hall said: "It felt like we were on the sideline forever just watching Brett Favre play. The defense, I felt bad that we on offense couldn't get anything going and keep them off the field."

In the long run, the loss was a good thing. It'll gets the Perfect Record Monkey off their backs and will allow them to refocus. But, still, it was ugly.

The Denver Broncos. Losing 31-10 to the Raiders would have been an upset if the game had taken place on the moon, let alone Denver, where the Broncos used to be all but invincible. But they were very vincible yesterday. JaMarcus Russell had his best day as a pro (10-for-11, 152 yards, 1 TD and a QB rating of 149.1), Justin Fargas rushed for 107 yards and Darren McFadden added 2 TDs in the Raider Romp.

Said Broncos defensive end Ebenezer Ekuban: "The only thing we won tonight was the penalty battle. They had more penalties than we did. Other than that, they kicked our butts in every phase of the game." Yep. That pretty much sums it up. By the way, that scream of bewildered rage you heard last night was probably a Jay Cutler fantasy owner.

Norv Turner. Norv, Norv, Norv...I know you're an awful, terrible, ghastly coach. But did you really try to ice Adam Vinatieri? He's Adam freaking Vinatieri. Icing him is about as effective as praying to Xenu, alien ruler of the Galactic Confederacy.

LaDanian Tomlinson. Rushing for 81 yards might not sound like an awful day, but when it's LT at home in a must-win game versus a Colts defense that let Steve Slaton run wild for 156 yards and a touchdown last week in Indy...well, there you have it. Tomlinson is, officially, no longer a force in the NFL.

We'll miss you, LT.

Your weekly picks: The AFC

2008-11-21T07:53:00.000-08:00

Texans over Browns: Let me state up front that is kills me -- KILLS ME -- to take Sage Rosenfels on the road against anybody. Seriously, I think chunks of skin are falling off. But I can't possibly pick the Browns to pull off two uplifting (for them, anyway) wins in a row. That event would be more dangerous than Mr. T crossed with the Large Hadron Collider. The world would EXPLODE.

Pray for a Houston victory. For all our sakes.
If only I could pick neither of these teams to win, but that's impossi...wait a second...

Bills over Chiefs: Let's see: A bewildered and reeling Bills team or a Chiefs squad that's lost 18 of its last 19 games? I think the choice is clear, especially since KC has the league's 32nd ranked defense (402.5 YPG). But just in case you need one, here's another reason I can't pick the Chiefs. Herm Edwards is terrified of Buffalo's special teams...to the point that I'd be willing to bet he checked under his bed for Roscoe Parrish and Terrence McGee last night. "The really scary part right now is kicking the ball (to Buffalo). You almost want to kick it out of bounds, give them the ball on the 40 and get it over with. Even when we were in New York (as Jets coach), Buffalo was always good on special teams. It dates way back to (Steve) Tasker. It seems like they've always had good kickers, good punters and return guys. It's become a tradition in Buffalo. They're dangerous, they're scary." BOOGA BOOGA!! Was that scary too, Herm?!

I SAID BOOGA BOOGA, HERM!!
Here's another Hermism that explains why I can't pick the 1-9ers: "We went through a lot of this when Dick (Vermeil) first took over," Edwards remembered of his early days with the Eagles. "We lost a lot of close games, then one year—30 years ago today -- we win the fumble game we had no business winning. After that, we got it going. I remember it like it was yesterday, but we took off as a football team after that game. We made it to the playoffs (in 1978), and eventually to the Super Bowl (after the 1980 season). I really believe that when that kind of thing happens to this team, they'll figure it out. It happened for us in Tampa, it's happened everywhere I've been when you're trying to rebuild a team." Yes. Everywhere you've been. Except, of course, where you are right now. But why get back down by details. Go Chiefs! (But not really.)

Patriots over Dolphins: There's every reason to pick the Dolphins. Except that this feels like of one of those games the Patriots are going to win specifically because they're supposed to lose. I've seen it happen way too many times with these guys. I mean, look, Miami deserve a lot of credit for being 6-4 after last season's 1-15 fiasco, but the last two home squeakers against the Seahawks (2-8) and Raiders (also 2-8) didn't exactly convince me that the 'Fins are ready for their big boy pants. Plus, New England is going to want some revenge after the way Miami humiliated them at home in Week 3. This is going to be like Peter Griffin versus the Patriots all over again.

Titans over Jets: I've read a lot of articles this week in which the authors were picking the upset. That made me nervous. Then I saw that Bill Simmons is picking the Jets too. And you know what that is.

Broncos over Raiders: Hmmmm. Let me think about this one...

Yup. Goin' with the Broncos. I mean, Jay Cutler has thrown for 19 touchdowns already. The Raiders have 9 offensive touchdowns THIS SEASON. So, uh, yeah.

Colts over Chargers: This week, LaDainian Tomlinson said: "We're not out of it but it's like, the blown opportunities we keep on talking about, when we could have been easily tied with Denver right now. And whenever you keep blowing opportunities, then at some point, as they say, opportunities don't come about anymore." This doesn't sound like a former MVP running back getting ready to face a defense that gives up almost 140 rushing yards per game. It sounds like a man giving a concession speech.

Uh oh. Looks like he just realized you can onlysay "Wait till next year!" so many times...

The Weekend in Review: Sweet Merciful Crap, My Picks Were Terrible

2008-11-17T07:25:00.000-08:00

My oh my. Between Sunday and last night, it appears the NFL was determined to a) outdo itself in sheer bawfutility and b) make me look like an idiot for ever believing in any teams, ever. Except the Panthers. Rawr!

Naturally, I'd (foolishly!) expected the Eagles to be able to, like, win a football game when paired with a team that isn't, like, an actual football team. Again: foolish! Nor was redemption in the cards for the Bungles... nay, instead, the league had the first tie game of the year (the first tie since 2002, in fact) and everyone walked away a loser. Donovan McNabb went 28-58 (blech! BLECH!) with 3 interceptions (make it stop!) and a woeful lack of rulebook knowledge as TJ Houshmandzadeh ran his ass off for a Cincy team that, without him, managed only 133 total yards gained (yes, that's 16 yards fewer than Housh's receiving total). If I were Housh, I'd stop wasting my time being a sad tiger and start being a mad tiger.

42 yards on 23 goddamn carries, Cedric Benson? RARGH I WILL BITE YOU IN HALF WITH MY POWERFUL TIGER JAWS!

But fear not! By no means was Sunday's ineptitude confined to Paul Brown Stadium. On to the Kansas City Chiefs, in whom I had (foolishly!) placed my confidence headed into the weekend. And hey! Just like I predicted: Tyler Thigpen was, in all seriousness, a solid quarterback, completing 19 of 38 for 235 yards and 2 TDs as the Chiefs matched the Saints nearly yard-for-yard and possession-minute-for-possession-minute. Oh, except that Thigpen got sacked 4 times and the Saints managed to outscore the Chiefs 24-6 in the 2nd and 3rd quarters. Otherwise, great game all around. Really, guys. REMIND ME NEVER TO BELIEVE IN YOU AGAIN, KANSAS CITY.

Bah. I didn't even watch Miami beat Oakland, and I hope you didn't either. Only item of note from that game is that Miami more than doubled Oakland's net yardage (382 to the Raiders' 186) and still only had 2 more points on the day. Futility, thy name is Pennington. Also, Joey Porter had 1.5 sacks, which is more than 1 sack but less than 2 sacks.

Colts won, blah blah blah, no one was really surprised except for ME, since I had picked the Texans. Awesome. At least this game had things like "offense" and "positive yardage" and "not being terrible at football"... qualities sorely lacking in the weekend's other offerings. Good for you, AFC South.

Wait, no. I take that back. No game this weekend (Thursday aside, obviously) left me more frustrated than Sunday afternoon's Titans/Jaguars match-up. Jacksonville headed into the half with a 14-3 lead, only to return seemingly hell-bent on coughing it up in spectacular fashion as they let the Titans score 21 unanswered second-half points to seal the victory and a 10-0 record.

I'll level with you here, because I like you. It will actually, literally, kill me if the Titans go undefeated and win the Superbowl this year. Seriously. I will fucking drop dead in front of my television and my spirit will descend into the bowels of Football Hell, where I will undoubtedly be forced to watch some sort of eternal Raiders/Lions match-up until Kingdom Come. A friend this weekend asked me which would make me more upset: the Giants repeating as Superbowl champions, or the Titans pulling off 19-0. While I was pondering those dreadful options, he further suggested that this year's Superbowl could, conceivably, pair an 18-0 Titans team with the Giants. At this point, I passed out and woke up hours later in a cold sweat, unsure who I was or whether I could ever bring myself to watch football again.

In summary: as soon as the Titans lose a game, I will happily watch them play for the rest of the season. Until then: fuck you, Tennessee. And Jacksonville? You are beyond worthless and I hope you all get smallpox.

Are we done yet? Oh heavens no. We've arrived at the undisputed Worst Game of the Weekend: an 11-10 Steelers "victory" over San Diego punctuated by a flagrantly botched illegal forward pass call that overturned a last-minute Steelers touchdown. Ben Roethlisberger threw an outstanding game without managing a single (upheld) touchdown as San Diego floundered around with 23:29 of possession and severely anemic receiver coverage. The Chargers are now 1-5 on the road this season.

Not pictured: watchable football.
My god. What a crapfest Sunday was. Still groggy from the sheer horror of it all, I sat down to watch last night's game in the severely misguided hopes that a match-up of promising young AFC quarterbacks would prove a scintillating watch. Those hopes were shattered on the very first snap of the game, as a slumping Trent Edwards threw a pick (his first of 3) directly into the waiting mitts of Kamerion Wimbley. The Bills' efficiency on the ground and Braylon Edwards' apparent replacement with some sort of futuristic cyborg who can actually catch the ball would go on to partially redeem the game's watchability, but the night had nothing but heartbreak in store for Buffalo fans. With just 38 seconds remaining in the game, Buffalo's Rian Lindell headed in for a 47-yard field goal attempt that would have given the Bills a 1-point lead... rather than play the hero, though, he instead opted to play the part of Scott Norwood and send the ball careening wide right of the uprights. (I won't rub it in, Bills fans. Fuck the Giants.)

Cleveland would hold on for the 29-27 win (the first of Quinn's career). The Bills have now lost 4 straight games and effectively shattered the greasy, hot sauce-slathered dreams of their fans. (OK, so I rubbed it in a little. Just a little!)

Thank goodness for the week between games so that the NFL can all go home and THINK ABOUT WHAT IT'S DONE. Oh goodie! It's Steelers/Bengals on Thursday. That shouldn't be at all eye-gougingly, face-clawingly awful. If anyone needs me, I'll be watching curling.

Worst of the Weekend: The NFC and bonus features

2008-11-17T07:24:00.000-08:00

Beware the Atlanta Falcons' team wizard.He will shrink you and wear you on his hat.
The Atlanta Falcons: Their opponent, the Denver Broncos, has been smacked around by injuries this season the way Lindsay Lohan gets hit with flour bombs and slutty misadventures. On defense, Denver is without Champ Bailey and all three of their projected starters at linebacker. On offense, the wild horses have lost five running backs, four of which are out for the season, and therefore were forced to sign world-famous luggage burgler Tatum Bell. Didn't matter. The dirty birds still couldn't win...mostly because they couldn't stop Peyton Hillis (44 rushing yards, 2 TDs) -- I know, who?! -- and Jay Cutler, who carved them up in the fourth quarter. Rookie Matt Ryan finally looked like a rookie. He threw for 250 yards, but he tossed an interception and no touchdowns. Ryan also missed several open receivers and almost threw another pick that would have gone for 6 the other way if Jamie Winborn didn't have hands that are cold and made of stone. Said Ryan: "I wish I could've had a couple throws back." Me too, Matt. Me too. I started you on my fantasy team.

Beware an attack of the 50-foot Eli.
The Baltimore Ravens: I heard a lot of people picking the Ravens for an upset this week. The only thing upset were the stomaches of the Baltimore faithful, who were forced to helplessly watch as their team got chewed up for 207 yards on the ground. Mind you, going into this game, the Ravens led the league in rushing yards allowed (65.4), and no individual had rushed for 100 yards against them in 28 games. That second fact is still all factual and stuff, but Brandon Jacobs trampled over them for 73 yards in the first half before banging his knee. Jacobs had only two carries in the second half, but Ahmad Bradshaw picked up the slack with 96 yards, 77 of which came on one run. Earlier this week, Ravens defensive tackle Haloti Ngata said: "You've got to believe what you're saying, and we believe we can stop anybody." I guess sometimes it takes more than irrational belief in yourself to get a stop, huh?

The lesson: You probably shouldn't put too much faith in a team that fattens up its record on the likes of the Browns, Bengals, Raiders, Dolphins and Texans.

Jake Delhomme: Huh. 98 yards and a touchdown. Whatever. Man, I've been hanging onto this guy all season, waiting for him to start blowing it up on offense. He's got the line. He's got the stud receiver. He's healthy. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, JAKE?!

"Don't leave me! I promise I'll change, baby!"
The Detroit ~~Lions~~ Zeroes: I'll give them this: They put up a fight, and even led for much of the first half. Then, as usual, things fell apart. The Panthers scored 21 points in the second quarter and ran away with the game from there. And when I say "ran away with the game," I'm being completely, 100 percent literal. The Panthers rushed for a team-record 264 yards on 8.3 yards per carry [!!!]. And yeah, it's kind of hard to win if you let your opponent reach the first down marker on almost every run. Jonathan Stewart sprinted for a career-high 130 yards (plus a TD) and DeAngelo Williams stomped downfield for another 120 (and two scores). It was the first time in the Panthers' 14-year history that two RBs went off for over 100 yards in the same game. Ah, those winless Zeroes, making history every time they shuffle sadly onto the field.

Rod Marinelli, quote machine: After the loss -- their 10th in 10 games on the season -- the Detroit coach said in what I'm guessing was a slightly manic voice: "Have we failed? Yes. Have I failed? Yes. Am I going to give up? No way. Am I discouraged? No way. I'm not." I'll go ahead and assume he then broke down and cried in his hands.

Jonathan Stewert, unintentionally dirty quote machine: "We've just got to keep pounding the ball." You go, Jonathan. Pound those balls. Pound 'em.

Hmm. I think I prefer the Cheeseheads...
The Chicago Bears: Kyle Orton was back, which meant Rex Grossman could be returned safely to that lonely spot at the end of the bench from whence he came. But, stunningly, Chicago played even worse than they did last week. The Bears -- who continually find new ways to disappoint and dishearten their fans -- decided to toss out the "Commit to stop the run at the expense of giving up the pass" script in favor of a revised "Give up both the pass and the run" strategy. Ryan Grant came out of his 10-game coma to run for a season-high 145 yards and a touchdown, and Aaron Rodgers completed 22 passes for 227 yards and 2 TDs. "They ran it, they threw it," Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher said. "They did whatever they wanted to do." Indeed they did, Brian. Indeed they did.

Kyle Orton: It sure looked like Kyle came back too soon. He was 13-for-26 for 133 yards. He didn't throw a touchdown. He completed only two passes to wide receivers. He got sacked and fumbled the ball, which was returned 54 yards for a TD by Jason Hunter. And then he was replaced by Rex Grossman...who finished with a better QB rating. It really doesn't get much worse than that. Said Orton: "I stunk it up." Yup. Pretty much.

Aaron Kampman: The Packers defensive end took a shot at Orton's injured ankle in the first quarter, and Kyle could be seem limping on and off afterward. I'm sorry, but that's dirty. You watch yourself, Aaron. If you blow out a knee or something, that's just karma saying, "Hi there! Gotcha!"

Ryan Grant, quote machine: "We're the champions until somebody takes it to us." Uhm, uh, uhm, wha...? I'm sorry, but an underachieving running back on a 5-5 squad that won the craptastic NFC North last season should probably check his ego and megalomaniacal statements at the door.

Vikings versus Buccaneers: Watching this game was like watching two homeless men fight over a half-eaten roast beef sandwich. I felt guilty and kind of hated myself for sitting through it.

Chester Taylor: He touched the ball only seven times -- 5 rushes for 11 yards and 2 receptions for 15 yards -- but still managed to lose two fumbles, one as a runner and one as a receiver. Way to sabotage your team, Chester.

Sucking gives Marc Bulger sad face.
The St. Louis Rams: Well, last week they trailed by 40 points at halftime. This week, they were behind by only 32 points. That's an 8-point improvement! It's all about baby steps...right?

Wrong. This team just kicked Detroit in the proverbial groin and is running off with the mantle of "Worst Team In The League." Seriously, I look at those two wins the Rams got a few weeks back and I wonder, "How the hell did THAT happen?" It's the same way I feel every time I see Hot Chicks With Douchbags. I mean, at least the Zeroes had a lead this week, and the Sad Tigers managed a tie against the Eagles. How is it even possible for a team to be this bad? Said QB Marc Bulger: "We were well-prepared schematically. We just didn't execute." Oh, you executed, all right. You're killing football in St. Louis. That's execution if I've ever seen it.

"I want to grind my mustache into you, Kurt."
The Arizona Cardinals: I know, I know. The red birds are 7-3 for the first time since 1977, when they were in St. Louis, and they can clinch their first division title since 1975 next week. But take a look back on the last two weeks and you'll see cause for worry. Despite the fact that Kurt Warner threw for almost 800 yards and 4 TDs in those two games, it took a goal line stand on the game's final play to beat a terrible 49ers team in Arizona and they let an equally abysmal Seahawks team storm back from a 26-7 fourth quarter deficit and almost win the game. That is not instilling me with confidence. I mean, they outgained the 'Hawks 471-213 and held the ball for almost 10 more minutes. The final score should not have been anywhere near as close as 26-20.

Evil Ted: Observations

2008-11-16T18:20:00.000-08:00

OK, here are some random observations of mine over the course of this weekend’s games. Don’t expect some weekly expose (like that old dude at the end of 60 minutes), but if I deem enough things annoying, wicked cool, worthy of notation, interesting or absurd, I shall type. Let’s begin:

The Patriots: First of all, I am a big fan of thefuturemrsrickankiel. Love how she writes, love her pithy “prediction / worst of” comments, etc. Were I not married, I would marry her, or least shower her with compliments on a football blog. I, too, am a Patriots fan, and therefore, by default, I like all other Patriots fans. However, I did not possess the same apparent frustration she had over this week’s Patriots overtime loss to the Jets. In fact, I’ve never been quite so encouraged by a loss in quite some time. Look, the Pats were down 24-6. They came back and took the Jets to 31 all, and forced overtime. Cassell looks better every week. He used to scramble like an Armageddon extra from a perfectly sound pocket, he now stands in longer, runs well when necessary (“like a gazelle” according to Randy Moss), and just might, by season’s end, be someone who could lead the Pats to a playoff win (assuming they even get there). The Patriots have a ridiculous number of injuries (Adalius Thomas, Rodney Harrison, they’re down to some 7-year-old at running back), and they still took the healthy Jets with a solid-playing Brett Favre to overtime. I’m cool with that.

The discouraging thing about the Pats is their perpetual grump of a coach. I know how much you hate the Jets, Bill, and how much you hate Eric Mangini, but seriously, stop looking like somebody ran over your grandma with an eighteen-wheeler at post-game press conferences, and try to actually answer a question or two. And when Mangini wants to wish you well at the end of a hard-fought game, be magnanimous and talk to him. Do you forget how you “betrayed” your own mentor, the other Bill, and took off for the Patriots job? Forgive a guy for wanting to further his career and stop being a turd. The grudge has lasted long enough. Try to stop being so Belichicky (future word of the day?), and get over it.

The Cowboys: I’m watching this Cowboys-Redskins game tonight – hoping that Romo gets knocked out so my fantasy team can win – and the Cowboys, thus far, are doing everything they can to suppress Romo’s numbers for me. How many times in the first half can they run too-long-to-develop end-arounds and double-reverses to try to appease T.O. just because he bitches that he doesn’t get the ball enough? Pathetic. He’s a cancer, and I don’t care how talented he is. If he’s on a team that happens to win a Superbowl, he won’t be the difference. The man subtracts as much as he adds to a team. Period. So there. Onward.

Troy Polamalu: Uhm, that dude is good. You know the interception against the Chargers this week that I'm talking about. He's almost as good as that Nike “fate” commercial with him and LT.

Bud Light: I’ve always thought Bud Light tastes like ass, and now the marketers at Anheuser-Busch have publicly confirmed they agree. Their latest ad campaign is that Bud Light possesses the "drinkability" difference. When the best thing you can say about a beer is that it’s "drinkable," you might as well say “This beer tastes like it's been pissed out of one of our majestic Clydesdales."

It's not Shakespeare, but I'll take Dr. Cox as the Commissioner of the More Taste League any day of the week.

Random thoughts over, children. Amen.

Evil Ted out.

The FutureMrs Returns: More Picks, and the Lost Art of the Bubble Bath

2008-11-14T19:06:00.001-08:00

Heya, Footbawful!

I'm sorry, but secretly a wee bit flattered, to see that I was missed this past week. It's been a rough one, I won't lie: first, a case of the flu that turned my insides to a gelatinous mess; then, a return to work on Thursday to discover that my team leader was out sick, leaving me with 2 days to prepare, alone, for a huge state-wide nonprofit convention tomorrow. (Yeah, I'm going into the office at 6 on a motherfucking Saturday. Whoopdiwoo!)

But you know what? It's all good... for two reasons. First, I'm back here, and I'm going to tell you with absolute certainty who's going to win their respective football games this weekend. Second, I have discovered the absolute hands-down never fail way to escape stress: the bubble bath.

I've introduced the bubble bath into my life as of the last couple weeks, and I swear I'm a new woman for it. Now, mind you, it has to be done properly. The water has to be so hot you almost can't stand it -- otherwise, it'll cool down too fast for you to enjoy a proper bathing experience. Next, you have to load the water with proper bath stuff... don't use the "bubble bath" they sell for kids, as it dries your skin out. Use something thick and vaguely oily (preferably of the Chanel perfume-scented variety). Boys, there's no reason you can't get in on this too. Dump some manly-scented shower gel (I suggest Lacoste for Men) in that tub and pop that tired nutsack on in there. Seriously, the minute you ease into that thing, it's like those 800 press kits you need to make in the morning don't even exist. Soak a little bit and breathe -- don't stay too long, though, or you get pruny! Hop out after about 15-20 minutes, while your skin's still red from the hot water, and pat (DON'T rub!) yourself dry with a fresh, fluffy clean towel... and (now this is the important part) do NOT put on clothes. Stay wrapped in a towel or, better yet, put on a bathrobe. (I'm not actually advocating nudity here, by the way, as running around in your birthday suit post-bath can give you a nasty chill. Unless, of course, you live in the British Virgin Islands or something, in which you are free to go dangle your junk in the wind for as long as you please.) The point is to let your skin breathe... and relax... and breathe... and relax...

Mmm. Aren't we feeling nice and peaceful now? I know I am. Because I just took a bubble bath. In our newly-enlightened state of mind, let us now discuss, in a calm and oh-so-zen manner, the AFC games for this week.

Philadelphia Eagles over Cincinnati Bengals. Ahh, the bye week. The bubble bath of professional football. Fresh out of their bubble bath, the Bengals are diving face-first into a pass defense that is most certainly going to shred any semblance of offense they've deluded themselves into thinking they have. Which is way worse than even the scratchiest of scratchy towels. The good news is that, um, Carson Palmer, um, well, never mind.

Basketbawful says: They got their one win out of th way. Now they can take the rest of the season off to laugh at the ~~Lions~~ Zeroes.

Kansas City Chiefs over New Orleans Saints. "She's crazy, folks! It's the bubbles talking!" Here's the thing. Drew Brees? Unquestionably the league's best quarterback this year. The Saints, however? CANNOT FREAKING WIN ON THE ROAD. Moreover, Tyler Thigpen? A woefully underrated backup (even in this, the apparent Year of the Backup) who has thrown 6 TDs and not a single pick in his last 3 games. Hell, maybe it is the bubbles talking (whee!), but I really think the Chiefs have this one in them.

Basketbawful says: I'm taking the Saints in this one. It'll get them back to .500 and establish some unrealstic "Hey, maybe they CAN make the playoffs!" expectations that they can totally crush with a devestating loss NEXT week. Trust me on this one.

Miami Dolphins over Oakland Raiders. I'd say that the Raiders chances are hurt this week by the absence (likely for the rest of the season) of wide receiver Javon Walker, but let's not kid ourselves: The Raiders have the most breathtakingly awful passing game in the league, and missing one wideout isn't going to make a hoot of difference. The Dolphins, by contrast, are an actual football team with a "quarterback" who "passes" and all that good stuff. Hence, they shall triumph.

Basketbawful says: The Raiders don't have a candy bar's chance in a group full of stoned college students.

Houston Texans over Indianapolis Colts. Yes that's right. Why? I don't know. The Colts are at home. The Texans are bad. It should be a no-brainer... but you know? The Colts' tepid offense is only averaging 21.2 points per game, while the Texans' offense -- granted, Matt Schaub is out, but Rosenfels can still throw the football and he's got something to prove -- is averaging 23.2 a game. It's a flimsy stat at best, but it's buoyed by the fact that I just can't see a Colts team this inconsistent winning 3 in a row. So there it is, I guess.

Basketbawful says: Sage Rosenfels has already proven that he believes it's better to give than to receive. To the other team, that is. The Colts continue their Wild Card bid this week.

Pittsburgh Steelers over San Diego Chargers. Don't let last week's loss to the aforementioned Colts fool you: these Steelers are a very good team, and their defense is a freaking force of nature. Meanwhile, the Chargers' foppish, wheatgrass juice-drinking So-Cal defense is one of the league's worst. Thus, the Steelers will be able to score many points, while the Chargers will score not many points, and the accrual of many points rather than not many points will inevitably win the day.

Basketbawful says: Man, if LaDanian Tomlinson owners have been bummed out so far this season, they'll be suicidal after this week. Good gods, I sure hope you people picked up Chris Johnson or Steve Slaton when they were available.

Washington Redskins over Dallas Cowboys. Like their Cincinnati brethren, these Redskins are fresh from their league-mandated bubble bath and heading into a match-up with a tough NFC East team. The difference, of course, is that the Redskins do not suck at football in colossal and mind-boggling ways. Oh, sure, Tony Romo is making his bedimpled return to the Cowboys this weekend following the Boys' bye week bubble bath (bodacious!), and Dallas already dropped one to Washington this year, but look: these Redskins are not going to lose two in a row at home, and their defense absolutely has the tools to contain the Dallas offense.

Basketbawful says: Hm. I have a feeling that Romo's return is going to juice this team up the way a free breadstick upgrade on their pizza delivery would psyche up a World of Warcraft player. Plus, Portis is hurt. They aren't rolling without their MVP candidate.

Buffalo Bills over Cleveland Browns. Oh, don't get me wrong. Brady Quinn was, in all honesty, terrific last week. But remember: he was playing the Broncos. The Bills defense is not great, but it's certainly not Denver bad. I think this'll be a close one, but ultimately I see Buffalo taking the day. I might change my mind over the weekend, though. Perhaps I'll take a bubble bath and mull it over.

Basketbawful says: Bills versus Browns, Bills versus Browns...eh, easy. This will be yet another "They are who we thought they were" week for Mistake by the Lakers.

Your weekly picks: The NFC...and how!

2008-11-14T09:05:00.000-08:00

Falcons over Broncos: "We are sticking together as a team," Denver linebacker Louis Green said earlier this week. "There is no 'offense' or 'defense' -- we are a team." Of course, Green was only half right: There is no defense in Denver. Or, as I like to think of them, Enver. And their offense, due to injuries, has become entirely one-dimensional. Their running back situation is so dire they had to pull Alex Haynes and Tatum Bell off the waiver wire...which would be a suicide move for a fantasy squad, let alone an NFL team.

Meanwhile, the Falcons are balanced on both sides of the ball and really tough at home. Denver is okay on the road, I guess, if you can take anything from their two wins away from home...against the Raiders and Browns. And they lost to the Chiefs in Kansas City. Need I say more?

Giants over Ravens: Both teams are going for their fifth straight win. Only one of them will get it. I'm betting my custom Eli-4-Ever bed sheets on New York. I mean, look at the teams the Ravens have beaten on their four-game winning streak: Miami, Oakland, Cleveland and Houston. Really, those should only count as one win, or maybe 1.5. Before that, the black birds played three tough teams -- the Steelers, Titans and Colts -- and lost to them all. And their other two wins were against the Sad Tigers and Browns. So, you know, I'm not a believer.

Fun fact: Eli Manning had the worst game of his career -- and that's saying something -- against the Ravens on December 12, 2004. He was 4-of-18 for a career-low 27 yards with two interceptions as the Giants lost 37-14.

Panthers over ~~Lions~~ Zeroes: Bwahahahaha! I'm not even gonna try to justify this one. Detroit winning would be about as impossible as Jesus riding a dinosaur...

Oh. Well. Never mind, then.

Sad fact #1: The Zeroes are 0-9 and are losing by an average of 14 PPG.

Happy fact: They had a recent four-game streak (against the Vikings, Texans, Redskins and Bears) where they lost by only 5.3 PPG. Improvement!

Sad fact #2: They lost by 24 to the previously slumping Jaguars last weekend.

"I feel sick in my stomach," Detroit's rookie running back Kevin Smith said earlier this week. Get used to it, kid.

Packers over Bears: "I can't wait for the day when Kyle says he is ready," Chicago coach Lovie Smith said recently. Which is how you'd expect him to feel when his only other option is Rex Grossman. Still, the choices aren't good: Sexy Rexy or a rushed-back-to-soon-out-of-panic Kyle Orton. Seems like the Bears offense is destined to struggle either way.

Speaking of struggling, their pass defense is in serious need of...something. Anything. Tennessee's Kerry Collins, Detroit's Dan Orlovsky and Minnesota's Gus Frerotte have combined to throw for 879 yards and six touchdowns in the Bears' last three games. If the Bears can transform Collins/Orlovsky/Frerotte into Johnny Unitas, what are they going to turn Aaron Rodgers into...some sort of Super Jesus?!

Hm. Maybe I'd better stop making Jesus jokes before I get struck by lightning.

Buccaneers over Vikings: Adrian Peterson -- a MAN-type man among boys -- has averaged 140.1 rushing yards over the last four. Here's the "yeah, but...": Three of the opponents he faced during that stretch (the Lions, Texans and Packers) rank in the NFL's bottom 10 in run defense and two are among the bottom five (the Lions and Packers).

Tampa Bay, meanwhile, ranks 11th against the run (99.3 YPG). And they're even better at home (69.0 YPG in four games). The Bucs are 4-0 in those contests, during which they've held opponents to 10.8 points and 218.3 total yards.

The Vikings are only explosive on offense when AP is running against bad Ds or Frerotte is throwing against the Bears. But in the battle of Pirates versus Vikings, I see a lot of dead vikings.

"Eek! I'm dead!"
Fun fact: Last Sunday, Fox Sports reporter Pam Oliver told Troy Aikman that Frerotte was tuned out by offensive teammates as he tried to encourage them. "Before the Vikings' offense took the field, Gus Frerotte tried to round up his guys and tried to give them a pep talk. But I noticed that only two people bothered to listen," she said. "Frerotte has refused to get down on himself because of his mistakes. But I can see a few of his offensive teammates are starting to show frustration at the way the offense has stalled."

Tuning out Frerotte? I can't believe it. (I'm kidding. I totally believe it.)

49ers over Rams: A titanic battle between a couple of 2-7 teams.

Blah, blah, stats, blah, blah, sucky teams, blah, blah, blah. If there was a game meant for Thursday night on the NFL Network, this was it. NFL FAIL.

Cardinals over Seahawks: The 'Hawks rank 30th in YPG (260.2), 27th in PPG (18.9) and 27th in total defense (372.1 YPG). All of which makes this amazingly appropriate. Anyway, Hasselbeck might be back, Branch might be back...know what? I don't care. It doesn't matter. Freaking Jesus would have to return to give this team any sort of chance...but our Lord and Savior is out teaching important life lessons.

How to Play a Great Football Game and Still Blow it Like a Bunch of Morons: A Pictorial Essay

2008-11-14T08:35:00.000-08:00

The Powerless Rankings: Including everybody

2008-11-12T10:44:00.000-08:00

Sorry, David. Beating Detroit only makes younumber one for me to go number two on.
Since the FutureMrs is apparently dying of the plague, you get one set of mini-rankings today. Hopefully we can get back on task next week.

1. Detroit ~~Lions~~ Zeroes: They're not going to win a game this season. Seriously. They're going to go 0-16. And I can't think of a better quarterback than Daunte Culpepper to lead them there.

2. Oakland Raiders: Jake Delhomme's epic meltdown was all they could have asked for...and they still couldn't finish within single digits of the Panthers. Maybe we should just change their team name to Detroit Lions of California.

3. St. Louis Rams: As long as they don't continue spotting their opponents 40-0 leads, they should be okay. And by "okay" I mean "they're going to lose the rest of their games."

4. Cincinatti Sad Tigers: Feeling better about 1-8 than any team in NFL history. And besides, it's all about perspective. Sure, they've lost seven games...but they're on a one-game winning streak. How's that for a glass half full, bitches?

5. San Francisco 49ers: Things have been crazy at work, so I mooned my co-workers and blamed Mike Martz for my bad decisions. Didn't work for me, either.

6. Kansas City Chiefs: The only reason Herm Edwards isn't on suicide watch right now is because the Chiefs still have games left against the Raiders and Bengals.

7. Seattle Seahawks: Matt Hasselbeck and Deion Branch returned to practice this week, giving the 'Hawks delusions of mediocrity.

8. Cleveland Browns: Jamal Lewis accused teammates of quitting during last week's come-from-ahead loss to the Ravens. Oh, wait. That loss was from two weeks ago. Last week's come-from-ahead loss was to the Broncos. My bad. Anyway, coach Romeo Crennel says the accusations of quitting reflect badly on him as a coach. And it's a darn shame that they're going to ruin an otherwise spotless reputation.

9. Houston Texans: Sage Rosenfels or Craig Nall. Pick yer poison, Texas.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars: Escaped the Browns/Bengals/Lions triangle with only one win. FAIL. On the bright side, at least we'll be spared another onslaught of "The Jags could really make some noise in the playoffs this year" stories.

11. New Orleans Saints: Poor Drew Brees' throwing arm is going to be a shriveled husk by the end of the season. Bummer.

12. Buffalo Bills: Four losses in five games sure have quieted all that "Why aren't people taking our team seriously?!" talk from Bills fans.

13. San Diego Chargers: How does Norv Turner still have a job? Marty Shottenheimer got fired after a 14-2 season!

14. Denver Broncos: On the one hand, they got a career game from Jay Cutler and got a big comeback win versus the Browns. On the other hand, it took a career game from Jay Cutler to get a comeback win versus the Browns. See where I'm going with this?

15. Green Bay Packers: The team keeps insisting that dumping Brett Favre for Aaron Rodgers was the right call, but the 4-5 record suggests otherwise. So does the fact that they suck.

16. Miami Dolphins: Who would have guessed the Williams/Brown RB combo was going to be so fearsome? That would have been like predicting Abraham Lincoln was going to come back to life and win the presidency. Only not nearly as cool.

17. Dallas Cowboys: Terrell Owens is trying to take more of a leadership role on the team. Yeah, that should work out just dandy.

18. Philadelphia Eagles: Watching these guys fight so hard to stay relevant is really cute. (Not really. It's sad. They're going nowhere. Hell, I don't even think they're going to make the playoffs. Which will save them the pain and humiliation of a one-and-done at least.)

19. Minnesota Vikings: If they got to face one of the league's worst rush defenses every week, they'd be unstoppable! Hey, who're they playing this week? Oh. Tampa Bay. Bummer.

20. Chicago Bears: They hung with the Titans despite the fact that they can't stop a pass and they started Rex Grossman.

21. New York Jets: That extra practice session, against the Rams, should help them get prepared for Thursday's showdown with the Patriots.

22. New England Patriots: BenJarvis Green Ellis. Is he destined to become a household name? Doubt it.

23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Hard to imagine them getting any lower (by which I mean higher) than this unless Jeff Garcia gets bitten by a radioactive spider and develops amazing powers.

24. Indianapolis Colts: They might be starting to wake up. Except Marvin Harrison. He's still hitting the Snooze button.

25. Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens suddenly developing an offense was about as unexpected and surprising as if I'd woken up today with a second, evil head.

26. Washington Redskins: Eh. I have a bad feeling Clinton Portis is going to break down by the end of the season. And this team can't survive without him. It'll be like if the castaways on Gilligan's Island hadn't been stranded with the Professor. Or something.

27. Arizona Cardinals: I'm currently in two fantasy football leagues. I chose to live draft in one league and auto draft in the other. In the live draft, I chose LaDanian Tomlinson and Ben Roethlisberger. The auto draft robot got me Kurt Warner and Clinton Portis. Guess which league I'm leading and which one I'm fighting to stay at .500 in. Anyway, Warner should be abducted by government scientists and dissected so we can figure out how he managed to turn back time.

28. Atlanta Falcons: Between these guys and the Hawks, it's like a sports revival in Atlanta. Too bad we can't move the city out of Georgia. That's not possible, is it?

29. Carolina Panthers: Hey, Jake. We all knew you guys could beat the Raiders without even trying, but you didn't have to try and prove it, you know?

30. Pittsburgh Steelers: They probably would have beaten the Colts if they'd just gone with Byron Leftwich under center. I wonder how that makes Ben Roethlisberger feel? Crappy, I hope.

31. New York Giants: Despite his middle-of-the-pack stats, the Eli-for-MVP talk is starting to heat up. And it's hurting Kurt Warner's feelings.

32. Tennessee Titas: I'm secretly hoping they lose soon if only so we don't have to be deluged by '72 Dolphins stories in a couple weeks. So c'mon, coach Fisher. Throw a game. It's for the greater good.

Worst of the Weekend: The NFC

2008-11-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

"Okay, who's with me?! Anybody?! Bueller?!"
Not my best work, and it's late. But it's been a rough week.

Rex Grossman: His numbers weren't awful (20-for-37, 173 yards, 1 passing TD, 1 rushing TD and an interception) and the kid tried. He really did. But then again, my buddy Evil Ted's kid tried to draw his family and the end result just looked like a homeless man had fallen asleep on the paper. You know? The Chicago crowd hates him no matter what he does, and that hatred turns to an almost blind rage with every overthrown/underthrown/poorly-thrown pass. He may be the second-most hated sports figure in Chicago history. Next to Steve Bartman, of course.

The Tennessee running game: They entered the game ranked third in the NFL in running the ball. Then LenDale White and Chris Johnson combined for 22 yards (including -5 in the first half) on 24 rushing attempts. By the way, those 20 yards were just one above their franchise low. Their efforts could hardly be distinguished from some random guy just grabbing the ball and immediately falling on it. Which, ironically, is what former Bear Cedric Benson used to do when he was here.

The Bear's pass defense: Kind of a misnomer, since they didn't play any. Kerry Collins sliced 'n diced them up for a season-high 289 yards and two touchdowns on 31-for-40 passing. Collins had enough time to develop a cure for cancer in the pocket, and at times it looked like the Bears weren't even trying to contest passes. At one point, Brian "I'm sure glad I got that guaranteed money over the summer" Urlacher just stood and watched a Titans receiver catch a ball right in front of him. And Urlacher wasn't even the guy who made the tackle. By the way, Collins became the fourth straight quarterback to put together a season-high passing game against the Bears, joining Dan Orlovsky (292 yards), Gus Frerotte (298) and Matt Ryan (301) in successive games. Brian Griese (407) did it too. This makes Chicago the second favorite team (to Detroit) of opposing quarterbacks.

Brian Urlacher: In addition to his pass defenselessness I mentioned above, Urlacher had only four tackles against the Titans. It was one of the six lowest outputs of Urlacher's career and the fourth time in five games he has had five of fewer tackles. Man, I'm so glad the Bears locked this guy up through 2020 or whatever.

Jeff Fisher, quote machine: "It's nice to win a ballgame and not play well." Yeah. That's...great.

Yahoo: Can somebody explain why there's a picture of Kurt Warner in the Titans-Bears game recap?

The New Orleans Saints: With their season on the line, they got thumped 34-20 by the surging Falcons. Drew Brees threw for 422 yards and two TDs, but he also tossed a season-high three picks, the last of which was returned 95 yards by Chevis Jackson for the game-clinching score. The Aints are now 4-5 and a serious longshot to make the playoffs. This team can't defend, can't run the ball, and can't expect Drew Brees to throw the ball 50 times a game without making some mistakes. What a waste.

Drew Brees, quote machine: "This was extremely frustrating," Brees said. "We're better than this." You sure about that, Drew?

The Packers' rush defense: I mentioned in my weekly picks that Green Bay had a lousy run D and would get trampled on by Adrian Peterson...but even I didn't expect Petey to go off for 192 yards. Moreover, Peterson ran for 40 yards on four rushes in Minny's final 69-yard scoring drive...and he ran the game-winner in himself.

Adrian Peterson: The hero was also kind of a goat in that game. Vikings coach Brad Childress challenged the spot of a no gain on third-and-1 midway through the fourth quarter. During the review, Peterson stomped off the field and was yelling toward the coaches. He then fumbled on fourth down and the recovery was short of the marker. Maybe nobody outside of Footbawful is going to remember that, but it's a sign that AP is kind of a douchebag.

The St. Louis Rams: Ugh. Double ugh. Triple ugh. Let's face it, there aren't enough ughs for this team. They lost 47-3, and they only got that close because the Jets took mercy on them after building a 40-0 halftime lead. Stephen Jackson didn't play. Marc Bulger sucked something awful (6-for-13, 65 yards, 2 sacks, an interception and a QB rating of 29.3) only to get replaced by Trent Green, who sucked almost as badly (5-for-10, 70 yards, 1 interception, and a QB rating of 33.3). The team lost three fumbles. And according to Yahoo, the team's "top performer" was Antonio Pittman, who rushed 13 times for 28 yards. It's reaching the point that I'm afraid Googling "St. Louis Rams" will destroy my computer.

Jim Haslett, quote machine: "It was embarrassing. That was bad football all the way around. I can't even describe it." Like I said, there aren't enough ughs in the world.

Calvin Pace: In the first quarter, Pace recovered a fumble and returned it 50 yards for the score. After the game, this is what he had to say about it: "Somebody was looking down on me today because if it had taken another bounce, I might've kicked it out of bounds. I had enough burst to finish and get into the end zone." Somebody looking down on you...? You really think that God was responsible for that? Trust me, He wasn't. The Lord wants nothing whatsoever to do with the Rams right now.

New York versus Philly: These two defenses have made a lot of fantasy owners happy this season. And I'm sure most people expected more of the same this week. WRONG. The two teams combined for eight offensive touchdowns and over 700 yards of total offense. Basically, if you were counting on these Ds to push your fantasy team over the hump, then you lost. Big time.

Road cookin': Little calls here and there are supposed to go against the road team. But that did not happen on Sunday night in Philadelphia. There were two iffy calls that went the Giants' way...and swung the game in the process. First, New York went ahead 27-24 two plays after a reversed call gave them a first down at the Eagles three-yard line. Manning's 17-yard pass to Kevin Boss on third-and-10 was initially ruled illegal because he appeared to release the ball from beyond the line of scrimmage. But the Giants challenged and the call was reversed. Later, Brandon Jacobs lost the ball at the goal line on the two-yard touchdown run that made it 36-24. The Eagles challenged...but officials upheld the original ruling. Sorry, Philly fans. I guess this is karma for that whole World Series thing.

Mike Singletary: Apparently, the Niners were fired up by seeing Singletary's little Samurai Mike last weekend, because they put forth one hell of an effort against the Cardinals. But they made a dumbtastic error at the end of the game that cost them the victory. With a chance to run the ball in from the two-yard line for the game-winning score, Singletary gave it to Michael Robinson...and not Frank Gore (who had 99 yards on 23 rushes). Then Singletary threw offensive coordinator Mike Martz under the bus. "I think Coach Martz felt that there would be a cavity inside, so he made the call," Singletary said. Nice, huh? Maybe Martz should drop his pants, now...

Your weekly picks: The NFC 'n stuff

2008-11-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

Bears over Titans: The Bears' season began with a quarterback competition that took place in training camp. Since the coaching staff wanted to be fair to both players, Kyle Orton was asked to tie both shoes, using a complicated double-knot scheme. Rex Grossman, on the other hand, was required to navigate his way through a maze populated by giant insects that can crush cars with their powerful mandibles. He was also blindfolded. And set on fire.

Anyway, we all know how that turned out. But the cruel fates have forced Lovie Smith to once again turn over his offense to Rex Grossman. Which is kind of like asking a suicidal meth addict to babysit your children. Between Rex and Chicago's hopelessly substandard defense, this game has all the fixin's for an epic Bears defeat. Which is exactly why I'm picking them.

Look, every team, no matter how good, has a banana peel game. And it's usually against a team or under circumstances in which they least expect it. Think the Rams throught they'd lose the Super Bowl to the Patriots back in '01? Think the Patsies thought they'd lose to the Giants last season? Nope and nope. Right now, Rex Grossman has everything to prove and absolutely nothing to lose. I say he plays well, the Bears win, and we get ourselves a brand new QB controversy in the Windy City. Good times!

How could they possibly...fail...uh...oh no.GOOD GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
Saints over Falcons: As I said in the Powerless Rankings, the Falcons are playing with house money right now. They were expected to do exactly Jack and Shit...and Jack left town. The Saints, on the other hand, are already on the brink of playoff elimination in the midst of a year of high expectations. They need this game. It could potentially make or break their season.

See, it's just like when you're out at the bars. You could have two women of roughly equal beauty and intelligence, but the advantage almost always goes to the one who's a little more desperate. She's more likely to dress a little sluttier, dance a little dirtier and lower her standards just a little bit more than the other girl. In short: She'll do whatever it takes to win. (And in this case "win" usually means going home with an overweight, middle-aged computer programmer whose wife is out of town for the weekend, but a W is a W, right?) Anyway, that's where the Saints are. They'll do anything to win this game.

Because nobody would watch if they were just "Housewives."
Packers over Vikings: Last week, the Vikings barely beat the Texans. Meanwhile, the Packers pushed the unbeaten Titans to overtime and lost by a field goal. Aaron Rodgers was 22-of-41 for 314 yards and a touchdown against a pretty stingy Tennessee defense while the Vikes were padding their stats against Houston's "Thighs Wide Open" D. I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes a loss is more impressive than a win. But...

Vikings over Packers: You know what? The Packers have the sixth-worst rush defense in the league, allowing 146.4 yards per game. And Adrian Peterson ran for almost 140 yards last week...and he plays his best at home (487 yards on 96 carries in four games at the Metrodome). That can only mean one thing:

The reality is, although Rodgers has turned out to be pretty good, the rest of the Pack are pretty "meh" or worse. My take: They shot their wad against the Titans last week. By Monday morning, you'll have to scape these guys out of AP's cleats.

Jets over Rams: When we were divvying up the interconference games, the FutureMrs said: "Jets + Rams = We All Lose." But I respectfully disagree. All week I've been reading and hearing about how Brett Favre is (finally) washed up, how he keeps throwing picks, how his yardage and QB rating keep dropping every game. But I've watched Brett long enough to know one thing: He can really beat the hell out of bad teams. And that's what the Rams are. A bad, bad, baaaaaad team. So not only will the Jets win, Brett Favre fantasy owners will win...big time (I'm thinking 250+ yards and 3 TDs, and that's a conservative estimate.) Of course, the consequence of this will be that, next week, those people will probably think Favre's on a hot streak and get blindsided when he throws for 162 yards and 3 INTs. But whatever.

Bubba chomp. Bubba chewy chomp.
Another thing to consider: The Jets defense is actually getting really tough. Last week, they held the Bills to 30 yards rushing and sacked Trent Edwards five times. (If only they could have mangled his pretty face a little bit...) On the season, the Jets are holding opponents to 76.0 rushing yards per game, which is fourth in the league behind the Steelers, Vikings and Ravens. That's bad news for the Rams, since their only real offensive weapon is Steven Jackson. Who, by the way, is in coach Jim Haslett's dog house.

On the first play of last Sunday's 34-13 loss to the Cardinals, Jackson "declared himself unprepared to run the play that was called -- an outside cutback run he wasn't ready to handle." Jackson finished with seven rushes for 17 yards. And coach wasn't pleased. Said Haslett: "Steven has got to give us a full day's work this week or he will not play...we can't go into a game not knowing whether he can play or not." Oh really? What other option do you have, coach? Backup RB Antonio Pittman suffered a hamstring injury on that previously mentioned first play and Travis Minor got a concussion on special teams. So it's pretty much SJ or bust. I'm gonna go with "bust."

Eagles over Giants: New York is ranked second in the league in sacks with 30.0. Philly is fourth with 27.0. You know what that means: SACK PARTY!!

My guess is that Peyton's little brother will be this week's sack attack victim. The fact that the Giants keep winning has sort of disguised this, but the youngest Manning hasn't been sucking up a storm lately. After averaging 258.0 yards with a QB rating of 102.2 through the first four games, Eli has has averaged a 78.5 quarterback rating over the past four weeks...while failing to throw for 200 yards even once. And despite the fact that the Giants thumped the Cowboys last week, Eli lost two fumbles, got sacked four times, had an interception returned for a touchdown and threw for a season-low 147 yards. Those are some pretty ugly numbers for a guy who's team won by 21. I bet the Eagles defenders are licking their chops...

Cardinals over 49ers: Let me recap the sitch for you: Coach Mike Singletary is dropping his draws in the locker room and Shaun Hill is replacing J.T. O'Whateverthehell at quarterback. Greeeeeat. That's like having Robin show up to rescue you.

Look, the Cards are the highest scoring team in the league (29.3 PPG). They're also undefeated at home...where they're beating people by 17 points per contest. And San Fran is mournfully defenseless: They're curently ranked 30th in points allowed (28.8 PPG). I just don't see them winning a shootout in 'Zona, no matter how amazing Samurai Mike looks in his tighty whities.

Last week's abbreviated record: 4-4

Season record: 57-36

Football on Thursdays: Still Bawful!

2008-11-07T09:10:00.000-08:00

So, as I noted in the AFC Powerless Rankings, last night marked the return of Thursday Night Football with a match-up between two teams who will be playing a lot of golf come January. Shockingly, though, we were actually treated to a pretty decent game (and by "we" I mean "you," since I was busy watching Blake Wheeler score his first career hat trick against Toronto), as Brady Quinn looked great in his professional debut and Jay Cutler led his Broncos to a roaring comeback with a 21-point 4th quarter. Drama! Comebacks! Debuts! Triumphs! Sigh. How disappointing. Nonetheless, let's salvage what we can of The Worst of Thursday Night.

Kellen Winslow. In keeping with the apparent determination of both teams on the field to (for some inexplicable reason) NOT suck, Winslow actually had a great game thanks to Quinn's arm, with 10 receptions for 111 yards and 2 TDs. But that was all just setup for the colossal letdown at the end of the game, shortly after Brandon Marshall scored a touchdown with just over a minute left to put the Broncos up 34-30. Cleveland went for it on the 4th-and-1 at their own 42 with 54 seconds left... only to see the pass slip right through Winslow's hands for a cringe-worthy turnover. Brutal!

The Cleveland defense. Look, if we were still talking about the seemingly unstoppable Broncos offense that mowed through the NFL in the first part of the season, that'd be one thing. But we've seen how vulnerable this Denver team can be -- I mean, they scored 7 freaking points against the same New England defense that still has nightmares about Ronnie Brown. So it's pretty tough to forgive the Brownies' defense blowing a 13-point lead and letting the Broncos walk all over them in the 4th quarter. As Romeo Crennel put it (presumably between bites of a buffalo-meat-and-whale-blubber waffle sandwich): "A 93-yard touchdown pass should never happen -- ever." Yeah, I'll second that. In fact:

Brandon McDonald. The Cleveland cornerback let both Eddie Royal's 93-yard TD and Brandon Marshall's game-winning catch sail by him. In his defense, he's only ever played for Cleveland, so he's been deeply imbued with the toxic stench of failure. Failure and malignant bacteria.

Ryan Torain. After injuring himself in the preseason, Denver's highly-touted "secret weapon" rookie RB made his first start last night -- only to exit the game with a sprained knee in the second quarter. GET IT TOGETHER, CREAMPUFF.

Historic failure. The Broncos have now beaten the Browns 9 times in a row. Jay Cutler's no John Elway, but the man sure can engineer an Elway-like comeback when he wants, I guess. This is also the second consecutive double-digit lead Cleveland's blown. Those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to suck at football, Cleveland!

Me. Yes, me. Know why? I own Cutler in one of my fantasy leagues -- a league I'm commish of, in fact, and one in which a) touchdowns are weighted very heavily and b) there are huge yardage bonuses. So last night, thanks to a 447-yard, 3-TD performance, Cutler earned 88 motherfucking points... for my bench. Because that's where he was sitting. Oh, and my backup QB in this league is J.T. O'Sullivan, who is no longer even a starter. So I just went crawling back to the waiver wire to pick up Marc Bulger. To recap: Jay Cutler, 88 points, on my bench, Marc Bulger. GAHHHHHH.

Powerless Rankings: The AFC!

2008-11-06T07:20:00.000-08:00

1. The Cincinnati Bengals.

Hooray for Cincy! Not only did they finally win a game to end their 0-8 season-opening Sucktour 2K8, but they're on a bye this week, which means that they will get to go TWO WHOLE WEEKENDS (!) without a loss (before getting shredded like so much lettuce in a taco bar by the Philly pass rush in Week 11, that is). That's enough to bump these Bengals to the actual #1 spot on these power rankings, rather than continuing to drift around at -27 or i or whatever absurd-yet-appropriate ranking I'd previously assigned them. Congratulations, Bengals. Your ineptitude can now be quantified within the plane of reality. Progress!

2. The Oakland Raiders. Meanwhile, as the Bengals take tottering baby steps towards relevance, the Raiders continue to drift ever downwards in the ranks of the AFC... or, in this case, drift upwards. Kind of like a dead goldfish. In a Token Move Designed to Show Something Other Than Soul-Crushing Apathy Without Actually Doing Anything Constructive For The Team, Oakland waived egomaniacal cornerback DeAngelo Hall this week just months after signing him to a $70 million contract. Enjoy catching 5 touchdown passes this weekend, Steve Smith. Oh, and enjoy your new status as Worst Offense in the League (13.4 points per game), Oakland. Party hats all around!

3. The Kansas City Chiefs. It's sad that every time I think of the Kansas City Chiefs, my mind immediately jumps to that Dane Cook sketch where the guy calls him "chief". (No, I will not embed, because fuck Dane Cook.) It's even sadder that, as soon as I make the mental connection, I think to myself, "Yep, I'd rather sit through a Dane Cook standup special than watch a Chiefs game."

4. The Jacksonville Jaguars. As I've said repeatedly in the past, I do think that the 2008 Jaguars are one of those ferociously, dedicatedly mediocre teams that will finish the season at an even 8-8 after toying with their fans' emotions all season. Given this categorization, it may seem odd that I'm remorselessly relegating the Jaguars to the uppermost quadrant of the Ranks of Suck. There's a pretty simple reason for that, though: The Jaguars have now lost to both the Browns and the Bengals. That's like getting beaten up by Rod and Todd Flanders.

Sorry, JAX: that's just plain inexcusable. 8-8 is looking more and more like an unattainable dream and less like merely a benchmark for borderline competence with every passing weekend.

5. The Houston Texans. Houston's offense remains pretty awesome, with the 5th-ranked passing game and the 4th overall yards gained in the league. However, they're still letting opponents outscore them 26.6-24.5 on average each week. With Matt Schaub out for at least two weeks thanks to a torn MCL, I'd say the Texans' brief flirtation with relevance is on its way out the door. Sure, they'll send it a drunk text message or two before the season's done, but really: it's over.

6. The San Diego Chargers. In Week 6, the Chargers mowed down the struggling Patriots for a dominant 30-10 victory and a 3-3 record. Two losses and a bye week later, the Chargers now sit at 3-5 and have the league's worst pass defense. Moreover, NFL.com is tagging them with headlines like "Chargers say 'good' to bye." Oh, the humanity! Honestly, I think the Chargers are due for a few more wins soon, especially if Antonio Cromartie can get healthy: they've managed a 3rd-in-the-league 28.0 points per game while allowing 24.9 per game, after all.

Still, for now the Chargers have done nothing of note other than "be worse than the Broncos." Sucks for them.

7. The Denver Broncos. The Denver Broncos, this year's chic pick for AFC Juggernaut after about 4 weeks of play, have virtually the same statistics as the Houston Texans (this year's chic pick for Team Whose Jerseys I Wouldn't Blow My Nose With) after 9 weeks of play. And that, my friends, is all you need to know -- apart from the fact that Denver is still leading the AFC West, which is depressing in ways I can't even begin to describe.

8. The Cleveland Browns. Hot damn! The Browns have actually managed to slip to the midway point between Irredeemably Awful and Temporarily Competent on these fine rankings. Not only have they (somehow) managed to attain the same record as the Chargers and the Jaguars, two teams most considered surefire playoffs contenders coming into the season, but they've finally showed signs of actually giving a shit by benching Derek Anderson and his 68.9 passer rating in favor of studly former Irish QB Brady Quinn, who's yet to make a start for Cleveland since being drafted over a year ago.

Will this be enough to turn the Browns around? Not clear (probably not), but at least it'll shake things up a bit as the Browns take the field tonight... yes, TONIGHT. Why? Because it's FLEX SCHEDULING TIME BABY WOO!

Flex scheduling is great, because it means we'll no longer be subject to national broadcasts of shitfests like Seattle/San Francisco on Sunday nights while coverage of the division-leading Cardinals vs. the mega-awesome Panthers is limited to old people in Phoenix and the 3 people in South Carolina that can afford cable. The arrival of flex scheduling is also great because it means that Thursday Night Football has also begun. This, in turn, means that you can now spend your Thursday nights driving around until you find a bar that has the NFL Network, since like 25 people actually get the NFL Network. (I'm one of them. Suckers.) Hooray for programming gimmicks! Anyway, be sure and tune in tonight for a spectacular battle between two AFC teams that are almost certainly going to end the season under .500 as the Browns take on the Denver Broncos. Too bad flex scheduling only applies to the Sunday games. Yeesh.

9. The Miami Dolphins. Two wins in a row, including a surprising divisional win over Buffalo, were enough to give these Dolphins a 4-4 record, which, sadly, still makes them the odd man out in the 5-3 party that is the AFC East. Chad Pennington is playing his best season since his first season as a starter for the Jets in 2002 with a 95.2 overall passer rating and nearly a touchdown per game, but the bottom line is that these Dolphins are going to need significantly more than a couple of trick offensive formations up their sleeves if they're going do anything of note in this division.

10. The Indianapolis Colts. A reading from the book of Johnny Unitas. Ahem.

nd the Lord looked down from the heavens and spake thusly: "Be it known, my people, that I am a just God who smiles down on my prophet Peyton Manning, and shall deliver him from the ignominy of a losing record. However, know ye also that no team who cannot stop the run shall triumph in a division that containeth Chris Johnson. My Will be done."

11. The New York Jets. Whatever.

12. The New England Patriots. "ZOMG HOW CAN YOU RANK THE PATRIOTS BETTER THAN THE COLTS THEY JUST LOST TO THE COLTS!" Because it's my goddamn blog, that's how. Shut up. We just signed Jason Webster! It's going to be great!

13. The Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens are on a 3-game win streak with a 5-3 record, one of the league's most impenetrable defenses, and a running game that's starting to look pretty impressive. I mean.

14. The Buffalo Bills. Back-to-back losses against division rivals Miami and New York served to pretty handily pop the Trent Edwards bubble (rugged, square-jawed, effortlessly handsome bubble that it was). Still, the Bills are 5-3 and Lee Evans and Marshawn Lynch continue to be threats on offense. It's not clear how much longer these Bills will be The Team To Beat in the AFC East, but for now, here they are. Wooo.

15. The Pittsburgh Steelers. A show of hands, now: Who'd have thought that Byron Leftwich would be the solution to the Steelers' offensive woes? [scans room for hands] Right. Umm, can you come with me next time I buy lottery tickets? Great. I'll pick you up at 8. Oh, and your Steelers are now 6-2.

16. The Tennessee Titans. 24.9 points scored per game really isn't much in the way of "dominant" or "earth-shattering" or even "really good." When you're only allowing 12.9 per game, though? You can pretty much do whatever the hell you want. Enjoy being undefeated, Titans. Speaking from experience: it's an amazing ride while it lasts. Sigh.

Powerless rankings: The NFC!

2008-11-04T20:34:00.000-08:00

1. The Detroit Zeroes. Last weekend was a Total Eclipse of the Heart for the Zeroes. Not only did they waste a 23-point second quarter by going scoreless in the second half, they let Rex Grossman beat them by throwing for one touchdown and running for another. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the Sad Tigers managed to actually win a game...making Detroit the only winless team left in the NFL. Then, they decided to address their problems by pulling Daunte Culpepper out of retirement. Mind you, this guy was D-U-N three seasons ago, and that fact was so obvious that no team in the league would have touched him with a ten-meter cattle prod. Until now. And you know where that leads, right?

2. The Chicago Bears. Da Bears are on a two-game winning streak and, at 5-3, are leading their division...which is pretty amazing considering the fact that most experts had them pegged to win four or five games this season. So why the precipitous rise to the numero dos spot in these rankings? Simple: Rex Grossman, starting quarterback. Man, the Bears are SO screwed...

3. The San Francisco 49ers. Ever since I found out that Samurai Mike's idea of an inspirational halftime speech is mooning his team -- he did it, apparently, to teach them about humiliation -- I cannot take the Niners seriously. I just can't. The only two things these guys have going for them right now are 1) they aren't winless and 2) they won't be starting Rex Grossman this weekend.

"Okay...who wants to see me without my pants? Anybody? Bueller?"
4. The Seattle Seahawks. Pro Bowl defensive end Patrick Kerney injured his shoulder in the Seahawks' pummeling of the Niners back on October 25. They're still trying to determine the severity of the boo-boo, but he's either out for a few weeks or until next year. Based on how this season has gone for the 'Hawks, my money's on "next year." Oh, and Matt Hasselbeck is still out with that bulging disc in his back. The only three things these guys have going for them right now are 1) they aren't winless, 2) they won't be starting Rex Grossman this weekend, and 3) Mike Holmgren isn't dropping his pants in the locker room. Yet. [shudder]

5. The St. Louis Rams. According to the Rams' team report: "The day began with hope in the air, but that's not the way it ended." They might as well replace "day" with "season" can call it wrap.

Bonus quote: Marc Bulger is immune to your criticism, puny humans. No, really. "If you want to put the blame on me, well, I don't care. Oh, I know everyone's going to say it's my fault. They're going to say I'm throwing off my back foot or crap like that. But you know what? I don't care what people say. All I care about are what my teammates and my family says. Everyone else? I don't give a damn." You know, the more somebody says they don't care, the more obvious it becomes that they really, really do care. Anyway, as to whether anything's his fault, here's a recap of his game against the Cards from the Rams' team report, in which he received a grade of "D" for his efforts: "QB Marc Bulger completed less than 50 percent of his passes, and the only think that kept this from being a failing grade was an 80-yard touchdown pass to WR Derek Stanley. Bulger had an interception returned for a touchdown and lost a fumble on a sack. Aside from the Stanley touchdown, Bulger’s other 15 completions totaled 106 yards." But it's not his fault.

6. The Minnesota Vikings. While doing research for these rankings, I saw the following two headlines side-by-side: "Minnesota Vikings' defensive line finally dominates" and "Vikings could be without Pro Bowl defensive end Jared Allen this Sunday." Allen apparently suffered a sprain of the AC joint in his right shoulder during the Vikings' 28-21 victory over the Houston Texans last Sunday. But that would only be a problem if the shoulder was an important...wait, it is? Uh oh.

Fun fact: The Vikings are 4-2 since Gus Frerotte was named the starting QB. When asked if the system he is being asked to run suits him well, Gus said: "I don't know. I just go out and play and have a lot of fun." Well, as long as you're having FUN, Gus, that's really all that matters.

It's all about fun for Gus Frerotte. And what's more fun than monkeys?!
7. The Dallas Cowboys. How low have the 'Boys sunk? Here's a direct quote from their team report: "Suddenly the ugly victory against the Bengals doesn't look so bad." When a team that was a heavy Super Bowl favorite as recently as Week 4 has to say, "Thank goodness we managed to barely beat the Bengals at home a few weeks ago," you know they're in trouble. On the bright side, Tony Romo should be back after the bye week, and the 'Skins loss to Pittsburgh kept the division race wide ope...the Giants are 7-1, you say? Well, never mind then.

8. The Washington Redskins. I could forgive that banana peel game against the Rams. Barely beating Cleveland and Detroit? Kinda worried me. But the loss to Pittsburgh was one of those "That which has been seen can't be unseen" sort of things. Kind of like a fat, old Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Speedo.

Ha, ha! Now you suffer with me.
9. The Green Bay Packers. You know what? I hate these guys. Screw 'em.

10. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. That Kansas City game sure felt like a loss, didn't it? And now all their running backs are hurt: Earnest Graham has a knee injury, Warrick Dunn missed the last game with a pinched nerve in his back, and fullback B.J. Askew has missed the last six games with a hamstring strain. And I will punch you in the nuts if you utter the words "But Cadillac Williams...." This puts all the pressure on Jeff Garcia to beat teams with his arm. Aha, and suddenly that whole quarterback issue rears it's ugly head again...good luck with that, Tampa Bay.

He is the Buc's master plan. Yes, they are screwed.
11. The New Orleans Saints. Uh, any chance New Orleans got a whole new defense during the bye week? No? And left defensive end Charles Grant is out for the rest of the season due to a bicep injury? That's BIG TROUBLE for the Saints. And I don't mean the awesome Big Trouble In Little China kind of trouble, either. Speaking of which, it's way past time for a Jack Burton tribute!

12. The Atlanta Falcons. The 5-3 Falcons are playing with house money at this point. I mean, let's be real, how many wins did you think they'd have this season? Three, maybe? Four at the most? Yeah. Now they're locked in what's becoming a pretty heated battle for the division. Sunday's game against the Saints is gonna be yuuuuuuuuuuuge [/Boston accent]. Fortunately for the Falcons, the New Orleans defense is less effective than trying to cover a public toilet seat with that cheapie toilet paper. If you own Michael Turner and/or Matt Ryan in your fantasy league, start them with confidence.

13. The Philadelphia Eagles. I just cannot get excited about this team. I just can't. They're the kind of ho-hum team that could put you to sleep on the can...like this poor guy.

I mean, seriously, the hot gossip on their team report was about their amazing three tight ends. Said coach Andy Reid: "I'm happy to have three good tight ends. You saw (No. 3 tight end Matt) Schobel step in. He had two catches, too!" Wowee! Did he make poopy in the toilet too?!

14. The Arizona Cardinals. They lead the NFL in scoring and rookie running back Tim Hightower -- who last Sunday rushed for 109 yards on 22 carries, including a 30-yard touchdown run -- has emerged a real force. They're 5-3, and this is the first time they've had a winning record after eight games since 1984. They can't win on the road, but so what? The only NFC teams with winning road records are the Giants and Redskins. This is an Arizona renaissance, baby. Just enjoy it. Kurt Warner is in his 90s; he won't be around forever. Next year, we might be watching Matt Leinart toss interceptions and overthrow his receivers.

15. The Carolina Panthers. Yeah, they're 6-2, but they've had five home games and only three road games...and they're an entirely unimpressive 1-2 on the road. That one win, by the way, came in the final seconds of that Week 1 game against the Chargers. And everybody's beating them this year. (Except the Patriots.) I'm just not sold. They're going to have to really pound a team of consequence to reach the bottom of this powerless barrel (of monkeys!).

16. The New York Giants. Who's gonna take them down? Er, knock them up? Uhm, you know what I mean.

Worst of the Weekend: The AFC + MNF!

2008-11-04T12:00:00.000-08:00

The Jacksonville Jaguars: Right now, the AFC South features the Titans and the Three Stooges. The Colts are Moe, of course, since they're the most assertive of the Stooges. The Texans are Curly because they're such lovable losers. And the Jaguars are Larry in that they're just kind of lame and you wonder why they're even a part of the group. However, on Sunday they were demoted to "Schemp" or maybe even "Curly Joe" status. You see, the Jags lost. To the heretofore winless Cincinnati Sad Tigers!! This means Jacksonville now has back-to-back losses to the Browns and Bungles.

The Jags crapped the bed in so many ways it's hard to quantify with the rational mind, but the stat that epitomizes this ugliest of losses is Cedric Benson's line: 24 rushes for 104 yards and a touchdown. Yes, you read that correctly: Cedric Benson ran down the Jaguars almost single-footedly. I think each member of the Jacksonville defense should have Benson's stats and the final score from this game tattooed on their foreheads so everyone who ever meets them will know their shame. Speaking of the Jacksonville defenders, the Certified Asshole Award goes out to...

John Henderson: The Jacksonville defensive tackle got booted for fighting with Cincy's Andrew Whitworth. And by "fighting" I mean "attempting to gouge out Whitworth's freaking eye." Upon being ejected, Henderson was shown smiling and waving to the crowd.

The Sad Tigers: I just need to point out that they almost coughed up the win by getting outscored 16-0 in the fourth quarter. But for now, they're happy tigers!

They're GREEEEAA...uh, not great.
The Buffalo Bills: How bad was it? Well, let me put it this way: Brett Favre scored almost as many points for Buffalo as the Bills' offense did. This was due primarily to the bumbling ineptitude of Trent "Pretty Boy" Edwards, who got sacked five times, fumbled the ball away once and tossed two picks, one of which was returned 92 yards for a momentum-changing touchdown. But other than that, he played great. (Seriously, I kept half-expecting him to slip on a banana peel and fall face-first into a cream pie.) The worst part of this loss, though, is that the Bills are gave up control of the division (they're now in a three-way tie with the Patriots and Jets). FAIL.

Marshawn Lynch He missed the entire second quarter of Buffalo's 26-17 loss due to nausea, for which the technical term is "painful vagina-itis."

T.J. Houshmandzadeh, motivational speakologist. He famously predicted the Sad Tigers would win a game this season, and so before the game he delivered an inspirational speech to his teammates: "We're 0-8, but I think we're a good 0-8 team, if that's possible. I was just telling them: Are we going to the playoffs? Probably not. But we're all men and play with pride. Basically, play with pride and let's try to make this thing look somewhat respectable." Powered by that inspiration, there was no way the Sad Tigers could have failed. Unless they, you know, had to play a good team.

Cedric Benson, quote machine. Regarding the team's struggles prior to Sunday: "Being 0-for-whatever-it-was coming in, there was a lot of pressure and a lot of frustration for everybody, from the staff to the equipment managers." Wait, what? The equipment managers? Awesome. I'd like to imagine them sitting around, racking their brains with questions like, "How can I manage the team's equipment more effectively?!"

The Cleveland Brown's defense: When they were holding a 27-13 lead midway through the third quarter, it looked like the Browns were on their way to a huuuuuge division win. Then got outscored 24-0 in the final 16 minutes and 10 seconds by the electrifying offense of the Baltimore Ravens. Oh, and Ray Rice -- yeah, I know, who?! -- ran for 154 yards [!!]. I guess the universe couldn't let Cincy and Cleveland win on the same day.

The Denver Broncos: Remember that 38 PPG average from the first three games? Well, forget it. Since then, the wild horses have scored 19, 16, 17, 7 and 17 points. Not surprisingly, they lost four of those five games since, you know, they couldn't stop anybody even if they had control of a suborbital satellite that could vaporize people from space. Jay Cutler used his stronger-than-Elway arm to fire three passes to the opposing team, including a first-quarter INT that was returned 32 yards for a touchdown. You know, you can probably trace Denver's struggles to the very moment Cutler started getting a little too full of himself. Somebody take him off the diabetes medication, and fast.

Joey Porter, quote machine Part I: He helped hold Brandon Marshall to 27 yards on only 2 catches. And, chatterbox that he is, you know he had something to say about it. "He's one of those guys that if he don’t get the ball in the first two series in the first quarter, he's out of it. He had 18 catches in a game before. So he's not used to going the whole first half with no balls. We got in his head and he pretty much was done." HE'S NOT USED TO GOING THE WHOLE FIRST HALF WITH NO BALLS. You just can't make this stuff up.

Joe Porter, quote machine Part II: "I didn't get inside his head, we just were talkin'. He got in his own head. He was done. He's one of those soft receivers, where he has to have the ball all the time. If he don't get it, he's going to mope and cry. He did it to himself." Wow.

Brandon Marshall, quote machine Part I: "When the quarterback sees 1-high or cover-1 (coverage), he's got to be on the same page as me and get the ball to me. But it's a team game, and oh, well." Translation: "ME ME ME ME ME ME ME...!!"

Brandon Marshall, quote machine Part II: "I mean, when I look at it, it's common sense. If I was a receiver going against our defense and they're stacking the box and we're playing a 1-high defense and eight in the box, and the DBs are 10 yards off of me, I'm going to catch 10, 12 balls a game." Translation: "...ME ME ME ME ME ME..."

Brandon Marshall, quote machine Part III: "I mean, I don't even know that (Miami) receiver's name who caught all those balls. It's simple. Tighten up the coverage and just play ball. It's simple. It's real simple. They don't need to be 10 yards off. Tighten it up. You see they don't do that against us. The reason why is because a receiver will kill them. I don't even know the name of that receiver. Don't know it." Translation: "...[deep breath]...ME ME ME ME ME ME!!"

The Enver "defense": That receiver's name is Greg Camarillo. But Marshall can call him "The dude who caught 11 passes for 111 yards while I got shut the hell down." Or TDWCEPFOYWIGSTHD for short. But hey, at least they stopped Ronnie Brown and the Wildcat Formation.

Patriots versus Colts: After the epic battles these teams have waged the last four or five years, this one was a letdown. It was like watching the Celtics play the Lakers back in the early 90s after Magic retired and Bird was playing without a back. Neither team is very good, and that's unlikely to change this season. Meh.

The New England Patriots: The key to the Pats' success all these years has been that let their opponents' beat themselves with mistakes and mental errors. Well, the script got switched on Sunday night. Jabar Gaffney dropped a sure touchdown pass late in the third quarter. Tight end David Thomas got hit with a 15-yard dead ball penalty for cold-cocking a Colts player will after the whistle had blown, and the penalty yardage pushed New England out of field-goal range with 4:45 to go in the game. And let's not forget Mr. Genius himself...

Bill Belichick: He burned through all three of his second-half timeouts by the fourth minute of the fourth quarter. That fact forced him to go for it on fourth-and-15 at the Colts 45 when his team was down by three with just over four minutes to go. (I hate to ruin the ending for you, but they didn't convert.) How'd it happen? The first timeout was lost on a stupid challenge. The Patriots used a quick snap to try and catch the Colts with 12 men on the field. As a result, the Pats didn't move the ball, leaving them with a second-and-10 at the Colts 45. But Belichick, egomaniac that he is, challenged the officials' ruling that the 12th man had just barely made the sideline before the snap. Best-case scenario would have been a five-yard penalty that would have resulted in a first-and-five at the 40. Not really a risk worth taking in a game that was 7-6 Colts at the time.

Later, Belichick cost his team a first down on a successful QB sneak to the Colts 7-yard line by calling timeout. And he didn't just call a timeout. He ran on the field, screaming and waving his arms like a car was about to hit his mistress. Not only did he stall the drive and cost his team a shot at a TD, he used their last time out as well. So, you know, not everything that drops out of the man's butt is coated in silver and gold.

Ben Roethlisberger: Nobody will ever admit this, but the Steelers must be secretly glad that Big Ben got knocked out of the game. He had, after all, accumulated a QB rating of 15.1 by going 5-for-17 for 50 yards and an INT. He also got sacked three times.

Mike Tomlin: Uh, Mike, if your quarterback has been struggling all season with a shoulder injury, why the hell do you risk his health on a QB sneak? Why not just blindfold him and send him into traffic?

Washington Redskins: The loud SPLAT you just heard was the 'Skins falling violently back down to Earth. When you have the chance to put a choke hold on your division in a home game against vulnerable team...you have to do it. But the Redskins didn't. Poor Jason Campbell was sacked 7 times and pressured into 2 INTs. The defense couldn't stop backup QB and Jacksonville castoff Byron Leftwich.

Clinton Portis, quote machine: "We were hoping to go out and play our football, play smash-mouth football. Instead, we got smashed." Awwww. SAD FACE.

DON'T STOP JUST DO IT

2008-11-04T08:09:00.000-08:00

That is all.

Voting = Footbawesome.

So do it.

Worst of the Weekend: The NFC Games

2008-11-03T05:23:00.000-08:00

So the bad news, as you no doubt already noted, is that I totally didn't have time to make my picks this weekend. I had a mini-tour with the band I sing for this weekend, and the first time I had a chance to even think about football was when I turned on Bills/Jets at the half on Sunday afternoon... and then realized, with a sinking feeling, that I hadn't set the roster for a single one of my 4 fantasy teams. Awesome! Quarterbacks are overrated, anyway.

The good news, natch, is that my ceasing to pay attention to it did not in anyway cause the NFL to stop being hilariously terrible in every way imaginable. It's probably a good thing that the AFC duties fell to Matt this weekend, since I already blew out a capillary in my eye screaming at the television during the 4th quarter of the Colts/Patriots game and would probably end up chucking my laptop out a moving car window if I attempted to write about it. On, then, to How the Other Half Sucks!

Bears quarterbacks. By now, we're all aware that Kyle Orton was carted off the field with what was later revealed to be a high ankle sprain. Fortunately, Rex Grossman was there to save the day! And by "save the day" I mean "go 9-for-19 with 58 yards and an interception in the second half." Which I don't think is what people usually mean when they say "save the day." The nuances of football language sometimes escape me. I'd express more sympathy for Chicago fans, but they had to know their team was headed nowhere fast anyway. If the Return of the Rex is what was needed to drive the point home, then so be it.

Dan Orlovsky. The sad thing is, Danny boy actually threw a relatively good, accidental-safety-free game, completing 28 of 47 attempts for 292 yards and 2 touchdowns. But Orlovsky just couldn't come up when it counted. Not only did he cough up interceptions on Detroit's first two possessions of the game, but he had a chance to win the game with a pass to Calvin Johnson in the end zone as time expired... only to see said pass batted away like an irritating fruit fly by Bears safety Kevin Payne. THE DAUNTE CULPEPPER ERA GROWS NIGH!

The Lions', like, will to live. I don't know how else to describe the kind of football mentality that can rack up a 23-point second quarter and then STILL find a way to blow the game against a grossly (get it?) inept second-string quarterback. Like, if the Lions were a teenage girl, this is when I would start looking for angsty poetry scrawled on the back of their binder and noticing them listening to a lot of Elliot Smith. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR, DETROIT!!

[checks divisional standings]

Oh. Um, well, suicide's still not the answer, or something.

"Aw come on, man... just a little?"
"No way, dude... get your own."

The Texans' O-line. Not only did they let Jared Allen get in a hit that sent Matt Schaub out with a knee injury, but they allowed poor Sage Rosenfels to get sacked on two consecutive plays with two minutes left when they were down by only 7, thus forcing a turnover on downs. Seriously, the recap of this entire game should be in italics just to drive home how terribly failtastic it was. Note that it was Allen who got both sacks on Rosenfels as well. I hear he later snuck into the Texans' locker room, ate their entire buffet, drew mustaches on everyone in the team picture, and then drove home in Chester Pitts' car.

The Texans' defense. Not only did their tiresome "everybody in the box" strategy allow Gus Frerotte to throw for 182 yards and 3 TDs on just 11 completed passes, but they ultimately got worn down by the one man they were desperately attempting to stop and got lit up by Adrian Peterson for 139 yards and a TD.

Ahman Green. And now, in news that will no doubt shock and astound you all: Ahman Green is injured.

The Jim Haslett Renaissance. Yep, I'd say back-to-back losses are more than sufficient to cancel out the little flurry of Rams-related excitement that two earlier surprise victories generated. The cutthroat Cardinals offense notched a 24-point second quarter (they're like the Lions, only they win!) and held onto the ball for more than 38 minutes en route to a decisive 34-13 whomping of the hapless Rams. Seriously, a toddler pushing one of those things with the little balls that hop around inside could dominate this year's NFC West... the Rams had a chance to make things interesting against 'Zona, and chose instead to fold like so many napkins in a picnic basket. And, truly, that shouldn't surprise you at all.

Steven Jackson. Many people blamed the Rams' loss to New England last week on the absence of their star running back. In a spectacular gesture of futility, Jackson returned this week for a colossally underwhelming 17 yards on 7 carries. Note that this still made him the game's leading rusher for the Ra... oh, no, wait, the leading rusher would be Marc Bulger, who only had 3 carries AND IS THE QUARTERBACK but still managed 32 yards. Jackson sat out for the majority of the second half amid thunderous booing from St. Louis fans, but returned briefly in the 3rd quarter to drop a sure touchdown pass and cement his status as this week's Bawfulmeister. Bravo, Mr. Jackson!

The Cowboys' offense. With Tony Romo and fiery rookie Felix Jones both out, I don't think anyone expected Dallas to play a particularly dominant offensive game. But the 'Boys only manage 183 total yards gained and had 4 turnovers on the day. Brutal.

Dallas quarterbacks. Again: Romo out, lowered expectations, yadda yadda yadda. Still, even with expectations lowered as they were, I don't think anyone expected Brad Johnson to toss 2 picks on just 11 attempts... nor, I'm sure, did they expect Johnson to then be replaced by Brooks Bollinger (who possibly also owns a haberdashery on the side) and send up another interception on his very first throw of the game. The Johnson/Bollinger show managed just 134 gross passing yards combined (102 net yards) and gave away 67 yards on interception returns. So, all in all they gave their team 35 yards. Spectacular.

The Oakland Raiders. Just when you thought that we surely MUST have exhausted all the bawful there was to be had in this dreadful weekend, we arrive at the Raiders/Falcons game recap just in time to welcome the Raiders to this season's Shutout Society, as Oakland joins the Kansas City Chiefs in said elite club following a 24-0 loss to Atlanta. And oh, ye gods and little fishies, was this game awful. Truly, I nearly died laughing from just a few moments of perusing the stats for this game. A brief sampling of the unintentional comedy contained therein:

JaMarcus Russell: 6/19, 31 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT

Justin Fargas (supposedly now the team's #1 back): 6 carries for 23 yards

Michael Bush (yes, he's a running back): 3 rushing attempts for -2 (!) yards + 3 receptions for 15 yards = 13 total yards on 6 plays

First-round draft pick Darren McFadden: 60 total minutes of warming the bench with his ass and working on his LaDainian Tomlinson impression

Total possession time by the Raiders: 15:45

The Seattle offense. The sad-sack Seahawks got off to a promising start, outscoring the Iggles 7-0 in the first quarter on a near-miraculous 90-yard touchdown pass to Koren Robinson (the longest play from scrimmage in Seattle's history)... and then proceeded to go scoreless for the entire rest of the game. In fact, Seneca Wallace only managed to lead his team into Philadelphia territory twice more the entire rest of the game. The 'Hox wound up punting 11 freaking times, including 7 three-and-out punts, and only gained 143 total yards on the 54 plays following Robinson's TD. And the worst thing is? I can't even laugh. It's that damn Seattle vibe, man. Shit just makes me depressed. Gahh!

More weekly picks: Basketbawful's AFC and then some!

2008-10-31T09:04:00.000-07:00

Bills over Jets. Get ready for Slopfest '08! Starring Brett Favre, thrower of seven interceptions in his last three games! Also starring the Buffalo Bills, who last week choked up a loss to the Miami Dolphins by turning the ball over on their final four possessions of the game. Who will make the fewest game-changing mistakes? My money's on the Bills. I'm kinda done taking Favre on the road for the foreseeable future.

The "Way to let him off the hook, coach..." quote of the week: "I think there's a lot of years gambling going on in terms of making some unbelievable plays and making plays that you would like to have a chance to do it over again. But, that's what he's done and he's been very successful." - Jets coach Eric Mangini, regarding Brett Favre's habit of gift-wrapping the football and placing it gently in the hands of his opponents.

Jaguars over Sad Tigers: When your team falls is 0-8 and looks like a hopeless patsy week after week, it would be natural to just give up. But T.J. Houshmandzadeh has predicted that the Sad Tigers will NOT go winless this season. In fact, he went so far as to guarantee at least two wins because "we're a better team than we've shown." Seriously, I would be laughing my butt off if the Sad Tigers weren't so very, very sad.

The "Uh, I think it's a little too late for that, coach..." quote of the week. "When you've been embarrassed like we were, the only way to get away from that is to redeem yourself. And the only way to redeem yourself is to go do better, and do better right away, and not let it sit and spoil you." - Sad Tigers coach Marvin Lewis, regarding what his team has to do to stop sucking. Sorry, coach. I'm pretty sure your team is spoiled already.

Ravens over Browns. I know, I know. The Browns are all resurging and everything. You know what else resurges? A Taco Bell beef combo burrito after a night of heavy drinking. See where I'm going with this? If not, let me spell it out: The Browns are my pick for the "They are who we thought they were" team of the week.

The Browns really don't stand a burrito's chance.
The "Uhm, you sure about that, coach..." quote of the week: "We think we're creative. We think we have a chance to be an exciting offense; we think we've been that." - Ravens coach John Harbaugh, regarding his team's offense, which is currently ranked 27th in passing and 26 in points. Note also that QB Joe Flacco has 3 touchdowns on the season versus 7 interceptions and 6 fumbles. Which I guess is kinda of exciting...

Buccaneers over Chiefs. Blah, blah, blah, stats this, numbers that. Whatever. I'm not picking the Chiefs unless they're playing the Zeroes or the Sad Tigers. Which they aren't this week. Fantasy sidenote: Earnest Graham owners rejoice! The Chiefs are last in the league against the run (196.9) and have allowed a league-high 14 rushing touchdowns. Start him with confidence.

The "Oh, I really hope you're just kidding, coach..." quote of the week: "I think what it does, it gives you some hope that the guy can continue to play like that, that he's going to get better, and that you've got a guy who's consistent at the quarterback position." - Chiefs coach Herm Edwards, regarding last week's "Never to be repeated" 25-for-36, 2-touchdown performance by Tyler Thigpen.

Titans over Packers. The Packers aren't going to win this one, but seeing as how it's Green Bay and the Amazing Aaron Rodgers, at least they will lose in Dramatic Fashion (TM).

Fun fact #1: Green Bay is allowing 141.9 yards per game on the ground. The Titans, meanwhile, have averaged 145.0 rushing yards a contest.

Fun fact #2: The Titans have the league's best scoring defense: They've allowed only 87 points, 23 fewer than Pittsburgh and Baltimore (110).

The "Well, I certainly can't argue with your logic..." quote of the week: "Each week every team gets an opportunity to go out and play. We've had seven opportunities and won each of our games." - Titans linebacker Keith Bulluck regarding his team's 7-0 record.

Broncos over Dolphins. Ronnie Brown, prepare to get a case of the runs, courtesy of Denver's 30th ranked rush defense. That said, I see this game turning into a shootout, and I'm gonna take Cutler's arm over Pennington's arm. Although, did you know, old Noodle Arm Chad is completing almost 70 percent of his passes? And that he's ninth in the league in yards (1,710)? Time to check Penny's basement for Body Snatcher pods, I guess...

"That's not Chad Pennington! Kiiiiiill it!"
The "Alright, enough is enough..." quote of the week: "My arm is stronger than God's, even if God's replaced his throwing arm with the Incredible Hulk." - Broncos quarterback Jay Cutler, regarding his cosmic arm strength.

Colts over Patriots. No. Absolutely not. I won't do it. I will not pick Matt Cassel over Peyton Manning. Not in Indianapolis. Never. No way. Not even if Manning barely escaped a deadly sea otter attack in which he lost both arms and all but a chunk of his left leg. I don't care about all the injuries and inconsistency and flat-out pooparific play. It's just not happening.

The "Thanks for the news flash, coach..." quote of the week: "In the grand scheme of things, winning the division is going to be tough to do." - Colts coach Tony Dungy, regarding his team's chances of overcoming a 3-4 start to overtake the undefeated Titans.

Steelers over Redskins. No, wait...

Redskins over Steelers. While briefly researching this game, I ran across the following headline: Big Ben suffering weekly poundings. When I clicked on the link, it only improved slightly: Big Ben standing up -- so far -- to weekly poundings. Oh my. Call me immature to the point of idiocy if you like, but I laughed really hard when I read those. I can't possibly pick the Steelers on the road against a good team while Roethlisberger is getting pounded to regularly.

The "Oh, you're confused...now I get it..." quote of the week: "The whole NFC East is (similar to the Eagles and Giants). They're throwing a lot of blitzes at you. They're all big guys who can move around and throw different looks at you and try to confuse you." Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, regarding why he's taking those weekly poundings.

Last week's record: 9-5

Season record: 53-32

Powerless rankings: The AFC!

2008-10-29T12:13:00.000-07:00

Lowest circle of hell. The Cincinnati Bengals. When the season began, I compared the Sad Tigers to milk that had gone bad before the expiration date. That analogy seemed so perfect at the time, but now I know it wasn't. No, the Bungles are more like milk that was already bad when you brought it home. So it doesn't matter if you chugged down a mouthful on your way out of the store or if you waited a few days after you go it home. That milk never had a chance. In fact, that crap was poisoned on its way out of the udder. BY THE DEVIL.

And now it's time for...bonus stats! The Bengals have been outscored 73-16 in the past two games and 217-104 this season. In the second halves of the past two games, the Bengals have allowed 49 points and scored just three. In the past two games, the Bengals have given up six touchdown passes and have just one. In 486 minutes and 21 seconds of play this season, which includes the overtime against the Giants in Week 3, the Bengals have led for just 43 minutes and 20 seconds. The Bengals are 0-8 for the fifth time in franchise history. Since 1991, the Bengals have had four 0-8 starts. In that frame of time, only Indianapolis has had as many as two 0-8 starts (1991 and 1997). Nine other NFL teams have had one start as poor as 0-8, according to the Associated Press. You realize what all this means, right?

1. The Kansas City Chiefs. Wow. When the press starts referring to you as "The woeful Kansas City Chiefs" in an article about a couple free agent signings, you just know you're a lousy team. The article went on to say: "Daily roster moves have become the norm for the Chiefs (1-6), who have become a laughingstock under general manager Carl Peterson and coach Herm Edwards." Ouchies. The sad thing is, those descriptions can't even be considered biased news reporting anymore. On the bright side, KC signed long snapper Thomas Gafford, who is joining his fourth team since 2006, so they don't have to worry about losing a game the way Pittsburgh did last Sunday.

2. The Oakland Raiders. Last Sunday, the Raiders did something I thought was impossible. No, they didn't win a game. (Although, at this point, that's probably impossible too.) They made Baltimore's rookie quarterback Joe Flacco look really good. The Slingshot Kid not only tossed for a touchdown, he also scored on a 12-yard run and almost scored again after hauling in a 43-yard pass from backup quarterback Troy Smith. A few more games against Oakland and Flacco will be turning his team's Gatorade into wine. But hey, Raiders. It's okay. Here. Have a cookie!

3. The Jacksonville Jaguars. Hey, Jaguars! Way to let the Browns come into Jacksonville and beat you! YOU SUCK!

4. The Denver Broncos. First four games: 38 PPG. Last three games: 15 PPG. That's what we call a downward trend. Or, if you like, a downward movement...

I like to call each floater a "Bronco."
5. The Indianapolis Colts. This team looks utterly discombobulated. And, at this point, I have no idea how to combobulate them again. But at least we've finally discovered the source of their problems: It's the EA cover curse!

Good call, Tony. Hope the $500 you got out of this was worth it. By the way, what the hell kind of game is Head Coach? And what's next? EA Water Boy? EA Guy Who Gets The Coaching Staff Coffee In The Morning? I can't wait!

6. The New York Jets. Hm. Brett Favre has 7 interceptions and only 3 touchdowns in his last three games. Well, I guess Deanna Favre was right: Her husband really is the same old Brett. Anyway, this is what coach Eric Mangini had to say after watching his team barely squeak by "The woeful Kansas City Chiefs" last week: "If you start taking into account expectations of how you perform and what you should do and not work on the things that you have to get done to win that game, it doesn't help." Wait...what? Ah, forget it. Bad news for Jets fans: Three of the next four games are on the road at Buffalo, New England and Tennessee. Ruh roh, Raggy!

7. The Miami Dolphins. Chad Pennington is carrying this team right now. End of story.

8. The San Diego Chargers. When the Bears let Ron Rivera go a couple years back, I told everyone who would listen that they were making a mistake. Now Rivara is coordinating the defense in San Diego. As of today, the Bolts are ranked 28th overall and last in defending the pass. So, hey, I guess the Bears knew what they were doing after all.

9. The Cleveland Browns. They've quietly won three of four to climb back into a division battle with the Steelers and Ravens. So let's go everybody! It's time to climb on board the...

10. The Houston Texans. Who ever would have thought that the Texans would be tied with the Colts and Jaguars this late into the season? Sure, they're all tied at 3-4, but still. Anyway, the Texans currently rank fourth -- yes, fourth! -- in yards per game (371.6). I'm not saying their previous three games against the Dolphins, Zeroes and Sad Tigers have helped pad that stat...actually, you know what? That's exactly what I'm saying.

11. The Baltimore Ravens. This is from the Ravens' team report: "Ravens coach John Harbaugh said 'The Suggs Package' -- the team's two-quarterback alignment that stole the attention in Sunday's 29-10 victory over the Oakland Raiders -- will be a 'viable part' of the offense for the rest of the season. 'We could see using that package every game,' Harbaugh said at his day-after news conference. 'People playing against us are going to have to be prepared for it every week. We're just scratching the surface of the things that we have in.'" Awesome! I predict the Suggs Package is going to become the new Wildcat Formation! Oh, wait...

12. The New England Patriots. The New Englanders continue to disappoint football fans across the country who were hoping for a complete and total post-Brady collapse. But look on the bright side, Patriot haters: They're not going anywhere in the playoffs and their better-than-expected record will prevent them from getting a high draft pick. So, you know, win-win! And if that's not enough to cheer you anti-Patsy folks, here's the universal sign of disrespect: The peeing Calvin.

If you own a truck, you probably already have this on your back window and/or wheel flap.
13. The Buffalo Bills. So...it looks like the Bills are going to extend coach Dick Jauron. I would just like to point out that the last time Jauron was up for an extension, he led his team -- the Chicago Bears -- to a 13-3 record. He got the extension, and the team promptly transformed back into crap, going 4-12 and 7-9 over the next two seasons. And yes, this is, in fact, a cautionary tale.

14. The Pittsburgh Steelers. On Sunday, this team gave long snappers everywhere reason to scream out: "SEE?! WE ARE TOO IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTORS TO PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL!" Meanwhile, Ben Roethlisberger is on pace to get sacked back into the mid-980s. Which would cool for him, since nobody wore motorcycle helmets back then.

Don't worry, Ben. You'll love the 80s. Trust me.
15. The Tennessee Titans. Strangely enough, the Titans aren't getting as much press as you'd expect for a team that hasn't lost a game yet. We can probably thank last year's New England Patriots for that. It'll be a while before we're ready to trust an undefeated team again. And I'm fine with that. Whatever it takes to keep the 1972 Dolphins out of the papers and off SportsCenter.

Powerless Rankings: The NFC!

2008-10-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

1. The Detroit Lions. There are certain laws and equations that define the world in which we live and the physical reality that anchors our lives.

e = mc^2

acceleration = force / mass

circumference / diameter = 3.1415...

And so forth. Here's another one for the ages: a professional football team cannot allow opponents to average 30.5 points per game and expect to win. Ever.

If a Rudi Johnson falls into the end zone and scores a touchdown for an team with no defense to speak of, does it make a sound? (Answer: yes, but it's something akin to the sound you'd hear if you stepped on your dog's chew toy.)

2. The San Francisco 49ers.

Since Seattle and St. Louis have both had bye weeks already, it's San Francisco's honor to be moldering at the very bottom of arguably the league's worst division with a 2-6 record. There's really not a whole lot more I can add to that, except this:

(Bonus hilarity: If you're in need of a cheap laugh, check out the YouTube page where that Mike Singletary video appears and read the comments thread, which appears to have devolved into a McCain/Obama slapfest. I knew we'd rue the day we taught koala bears to use the Internet!)

3. The Seattle Seahawks. The C-Hox finally earned just their second win of the season. They still have the worst passing game in the league (take THAT, Oakland!), but at least their defense is starting to show signs of sentient life and Julius Jones is moving the ball. As Miracle Max would say: these Seahawks are only MOSTLY dead. After all, they won't be mathematically eliminated from having a winning season for another 2 losses!

4. The St. Louis Rams. And, with that, we're nearly done with the NFC West, and we're only a quarter of the way through these rankings. I'll give them this: they... actually, I won't give them anything. Sweet mother of pearl, 3 teams in this division have combined for just 6 WINS. And here I'm supposed to give the Rams credit for managing not to go winless? NO. NO I WILL NOT. 28.7 points per game given up to opponents while scoring just 16.0 per game? That's Detroit bad. That's Cincinnati bad. That's straight up Bawful. Look, it's super great that the Rams won two in a row. Remember when San Francisco was 2-1? Yeah, neither do they. Here's the point: we're well past the point in this season where 2 wins would make me get excited about a team. Call me when the Rams have a winning percentage ABOVE .286. If I don't pick up, it's because I'm in the shower. Or because I still don't give a fuck.

5. The Minnesota Vikings. There are two things the Vikings do very well: (1) run the ball, and (2) stop other teams from running the ball. At last count, there were 845,769 things that the Vikings do terribly. You see where I'm going with this.

"Please, somebody take this... I have no idea what to do with it."

6. The New Orleans Saints. A surprisingly potent offense has buoyed this NFC South team's battle to 4 wins and a record within striking distance of first place in this season's most competitive division. Here's the thing: sometimes in professional football (I know, I know... it seems so unfair!) you have to play games at NOT your home stadium, and (again, I know: totally egregious) those games actually count just the same as the games you play at home. It's a cold, cruel world we live in, my dears. But, hey, look at it this way: if you keep it up, at least you won't have to travel up to any of those icky cold Northern states in January for those wacky "playoffs" you read about in the papers!

7. The Atlanta Falcons. See Saints, New Orleans.

8. The Green Bay Packers. Aaron Rodgers has thrown 12 touchdowns, rushed for 3 more, and is currently leading the 6th-ranked passing game in the league. His Packers have fought their way back to a winning record after early struggles, and enjoyed a bye this past weekend to prepare them for their meeting with

Oh. Yikes. Yeah, the Titans are going to mash this limping Packers defense like so much pumpkin into a tasty Thanksgiving pie. That's another discussion for another time, though. (Tune into Footbawful on Friday for ~~my pumpkin cheesecake recipe~~ all your weekend picks!) Here's the point: I don't care how good Aaron Rodgers is, and I don't care that the Packers have a 4-3 record. They are a mind-numbingly mediocre team and their quarterback thinks he's some unholy combination of Bart Starr and Saint Sebastian. They suck and will go nowhere. This message forcefully disapproved of by the Packer Pope. Whatever. I don't trust that punk since he moved to Avignon anyway.

9. The Dallas Cowboys. Unlike my generally level-headed co-editor, I do not work myself into an orgasmic frenzy when I see the Cowboys losing. My thoughts on the 'Boys are thus: (1) Tony Romo is very attractive and I would enjoy seeing him naked, (2) I should have drafted Marion Barber III when I had the chance, and (3) I'd rather run naked through the streets of Milwaukee with "FOLLOW ME TO FREE BEER AND GERMAN SAUSAGES" painted on my asscheeks than see the Giants win this division. Hence, I suppose it saddens me a bit to have to inform you that the Cowboys are, in my humble opinion, toast.

10. The Philadelphia Eagles. A potent offense and an above-average defense are keeping this team afloat... sadly, because they have only 4 wins, they are mired at the bottom of the NFC East. It's like the exact opposite of the NFC West. Part of me thinks that this is unfair, but part of me acknowledges that throwing a team like the 49ers into a division with the Cowboys and the Giants would be much, much more unfair. Honestly, I don't think the Iggles are headed anywhere of significance this season, but they suck so much less than so many other teams in this conference that they've slid all the way to 10th in these rankings. Hooray for the ineptitude of others!

11. The Chicago Bears. These Bears are stunningly, astoundingly mediocre at nearly every aspect of the game... and yet they've got the 3rd-best offense in the league with 28 points per game and are winning the NFC North. I... I... I just... gahh. I've got nothing. Go Bears. Whatever.

12. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Scoring just 9 points against a Cowboys team that had let up a total of 64 points in its previous 2 games was not what these Bucs needed to bump them down on these Powerless Rankings. Still, props where props are due for the 5-3 record and second place in the hotly-contested AFC South. The Bucs currently have the second-ranked defense in the league with just 15 points allowed per game, and Jeff Garcia appears to genuinely want to start games. Still, the inconsistency of this team bothers me. 27 points against the Panthers and 9 against the Cowboys? What planet does that make sense on? Is it Bizarro Backwards Through the Looking Glass Neptune? Because that place is just a big tourist trap.

13. The Arizona Cardinals. Like the Bears, these Cardinals are also just 4-3 and still carving out a comfortable ass-groove at the top of their division thanks to the colossal amounts of bawful they're surrounded by. The difference here? The Cards have the number one -- the NUMBER ONE, folks -- offense IN THE LEAGUE with 28 points scored per game thanks to Kurt Warner's bionically reanimated arm having thrown for almost 2,100 yards and 14 brothershoving touchdowns. Nah, they don't really stand a chance in a conference with the Panthers, Bucs, and Giants (as Sunday's loss demonstrated)... but hot damn. At least they can, like, score points. The rest of the NFC West would love to know how they do it.

14. The Washington Redskins. I have to say: this team is an absolute joy to watch. Their play is dazzling and their wins are nearly always unexpected. They've got 6 wins on the season and are looking like the only team that's poised to give the Giants a run for their NFC East money. (Note: NFC East money is not redeemable for legal tender. Cash value 1/100 of a cent.) Critics will point to the Redskins' rather low 20.6 points-per-game offense and mutter that their win column is probably somewhat inflated. Seriously, though, watch this team play a game and then YOU come back and tell me I'm giving them too much credit. They're just great. I promise! Oh, and Jason Campbell? STILL hasn't thrown an interception.

15. The New York Giants. Whatever. Blah blah Eli Manning blah blah best run defense in the league blah blah first place. Blah.

16. The Carolina Panthers. Despite an almost-loss to the Cardinals this Sunday, the Panthers still managed to hang on for a 6-2 record and the rank of Least Eye-Gougingly Unwatchable Team in the NFC. They're still solidly middle-of-the-pack on offense with a fierce defense headed into their bye week, and here they shall remain until someone (pleasenotthegiants) unseats them. Rawr!

Worst of the Weekend: The AFC Makes Me Want To Watch Cricket

2008-10-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

The Oakland offense. I move that, until they merit otherwise, these "Raiders" have their name changed to "The People Who Come Into Your House When It's Raining And Don't Take Off Their Shoes So They Get Wet Leaves Everywhere." Because honestly? Nothing this offense is doing in any way aligns with notions of "raiding" or "plundering" or anything even remotely badass like that. Vaguely irritating and kind of inconsiderate, sure, but not "raiding." On that note, let's observe that TPWCIYHWIRADTOTSSTGWLE managed just 35 yards gained in the first half of this game. Like, 1/3 of the distance down the field. Total. It's frankly pretty amazing that this team managed to put up any points at all in their 29-10 loss to the Ravens, especially when you consider that they also managed just 47 total rushing yards. Seriously, Justin Fargas? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE? Do you have a knitting circle that's really fulfilling? Are you taking yoga? Have you been pursuing the delicate art of sushi-making? Because hand of God, son: you ain't no football player.

The Oakland defense. "We just got our tails whipped at the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball," sighed Tom Cable following the game. Indeed. Not only did they let the ordinarily tepid Baltimore offense nom up 375 yards for 29 points, but they got made to look foolish with a series of trick plays straight out of Generic Movie About a Ragtag Team of Lovable Misfits Who Win Big. The Ravens ran a modified single-wing offense with Troy Smith taking the snaps and rushing for 13 yards while Joe Flacco (fresh from the eyebrow waxer, from the looks of it) lined up as a wide receiver and wound up scoring a TD on a 12-yard run in the 4th quarter. I guess that means Oakland was playing the part of "Undefeated Team of Bullies Who Inevitably Fall to the Lovable Misfits." Hardly seems fair, really, given how bad Oakland is. They should really give their agent a call.

JaMarcus Russell. More like JaMightwannaconsideranothercareerpath. ZING! Russell kicked off the game for the Ravens by getting sacked in the end zone for a safety, then turned in a 15-for-33 performance with 1 interception for a 66.1 passer rating on the day. "You have to grow up fast and I think, with certain situations, you become better," he mused following the game. Just what kind of situations are you waiting for, JaMarcus? Is "one of just 16 games in a league where every game could make the difference in getting a playoffs berth" not enough for you?

Tom Cable, quote machine. Cable followed up the aforementioned "we just got our tails whipped" comment by asserting, "There's really no other way to put it." That sounds like a challenge to me, buster! How about your pick of the following:

We just got our asses thrashed repeatedly by a mob of men in purple spandex and a very fat running back.
We just played a first half so embarrassing that the football gods themselves wept.
We just lost yet another game while our batshit crazy owner went crossbow hunting at an elementary school picnic.
We just plain suck.

The Buffalo Bills bubble. Boooo! I should be more grateful for this loss, I suppose, since it allowed my Patriots to bumble their way back into first place in the AFC East. I was just starting to warm up to the Bills, though, and then they had to go and do a stupid thing like lose to the Chad Pennington Show. Really, this was a very close game in many ways: near-even possession time, 339 yards for Buffalo to Miami's 358... the difference-maker was that Buffalo coughed up 4 turnovers in the 4th quarter (an interception, 2 fumbles, even a botched punt). It's one thing to go down in a glorious blaze of bawful, like Oakland... but it's another to simply sputter and die out at the hands of Joey Porter. Actually, though, those both sound pretty awful.

Marc Bulger. The sad thing about this is that Bulger actually put up excellent numbers. 18-for-34 with 301 yards, including a career-high 69-yarder to Donnie Avery. But honestly? Bulger looked like total crap in the second half of this game. Let's not let the losing quarterback have all the fun, though...

Matt Cassel. Sweet gum-chewing Ganesh. I could throw a tighter spiral than that. Getting back to the Rams, though...

The Jim Haslett Renaissance. Really, there's not a whole lot you can come down on the Rams for this game: they kept it close without Stephen Jackson and despite the fact that New England enjoyed much better field position than them overall (not helped by the fact that St. Louis racked up 9 penalties for 63 yards lost while the Pats didn't have a single call against them). But, well... that's just it, you know? They played their absolute hardest against a team that was totally beatable, and they still came up short. How terribly depressing. Sad Tiger sends his condolences, St. Loo.

Tyler Thigpen. "What's wrong with Tyler Thigpen," you ask? Well, here's the thing. Our boy Tyler got thiggy with it against one of the all-time greats, matching Brett Favre nearly pass for pass (25-of-36 to Favre's 28-of-40) and yard for yard (280 to Favre's 290). Both QBs threw for 2 touchdowns... the difference was that Favre chucked up 3 interceptions, while Thigpen had none and earned a passer rating of 117.6 on the day. And you know what? He still lost. Because he plays for the goddamn Kansas City Chiefs.

Larry Johnson. I don't think I need to explain what sucks about the Chiefs on the field (in brief: in football, you have to do this thing called "scoring points" in order to "win games"), so let's focus on the spectacular off-the-field suckage of star running back Larry Johnson, who is currently facing assault charges for spitting a drink in a woman's face at a nightclub. This is the 4th time in 5 years that Johnson has been accused of assaulting a woman. HOLY SHIT. How does this punk still even get to PLAY FOOTBALL? I don't even have a joke to make here. It's fucking disgusting when pro athletes behave like this.

The Jacksonville Jaguars. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll level with you: I've struggled to write about the Jags all season. They've been middling, but not awful (I believe I once noted that I can't in recent years recall a team that seemed so determined to finish the season 8-8), and despite the fact that the preseason held ominous hints that the Jaguars could very well be the new Bengals (arrests, shootings, and the like), Jacksonville kept conveniently winning a game every time I was ready to banish them to the depths of my contempt. Sure, they've got no running game (even with Maurice Jones-Drew... what a waste) and they can't rush the pass worth anything (only 9 sacks on the season? J.T. O'Sullivan would like to know when he gets to play the Jaguars), but they'd still managed to beat the Colts, the Texans, and the Broncos.

After this weekend's 23-17 loss to the staphyloriffic Browns, though? Jacksonville, I hereby dub thee Suck. Welcome to being the object of cheap one-liners and YouTube hilarity in the Powerless Rankings. Welcome to being picked against every week. Welcome to Suckville. The Chiefs will take your bags.

Oh, and Cleveland? You now get to be one of those middle-of-the-pack teams that I dissect on a numerical basis because you're no longer an easy target. Like the difference between beating up an asthmatic slow kid on the one hand, and subtly tormenting a classmate via subtle put-downs until they're driven slowly insane. I happen to be an expert at both.

This picture is great because it kind of looks like he just took a bite out of one of the Jaguars. Like taking a bite out of crime, only fail-ier. Nom!
Expecting anything other than what we already knew.

35-6, Texans over Bengals. TEXANS. THE TEXANS. THE TEAM WITH MATT SCHAUB AND SAGE ROSENFELS. Who the fuck is Kevin Walter other than the guy Yahoo! autodrafts for you in the 14th round when you leave to go get a beer and miss your pick? I don't know, but he caught two maternal-relations-having touchdowns yesterday. For those of you watching at home: yes, the Bengals are now 0-8. I AM RUNNING OUT OF HUMOROUSLY EXAGGERATED NUMERICAL DESIGNATIONS FOR YOUR SHITTY TEAM, CINCY. Seriously!

*************MONDAY NIGHT SPECIAL: Comes with your choice of fries or onion rings!*************

I think we can all agree that the Monday Night Football games this season have been terrible in every sense of the word, from the flagtacular Packers appearance to the sloppy Iggles/Cowmen shootout to the nearly offense-free Steelers/Ravens suckfest. Seriously, we should start a whole new site just to hold all the crap from Mondays. We can call it Mundane Night Football. Or something.

Anyway, the point is that last night's game was also terrible... at least for the first half, which saw one Colts TD and 2 Titans field goals for a snooze-worthy 7-6 halftime score. Thankfully, the Titans remembered that they're the goddamn undefeated Titans and rang up a 17-point 4th quarter to defeat Indianapolis 31-21. But you don't want to hear about that. On to the bawful!

Peyton Manning. Manning sent up two interceptions and accrued a passer rating of just 73.5. What's worse is that this is Peyton's second consecutive 2-pick game; he's already matched the total interceptions he threw in both 2004 and 2006 (9), and is one away from meeting his season mark from '03, '04, and '05. He still managed to connect with Dallas Clark for 2 TDs, but the fact that Dallas Clark put up the best receiving numbers in the game tells you pretty much all you need to know. When the league's best passer is opting repeatedly for his tight end instead of his wideouts, something is terribly amiss. And it's not like the Colts can fall back on their running game. Reggie Wayne still, like, PLAYS for this team, right?

The Colts' red zone defense. The saddest thing about this loss is that the Titans didn't even play a particularly inspired game. Despite having one of the league's top running games, Tennessee averaged just 2.8 yards per rushing play (yuck!) and only gained 88 net rushing yards (5 fewer than Indy). Moreover, Kerry Collins only managed 193 passing yards compared to Manning's 223. Overall, the Titans only averaged 5.2 yards per play, while the Colts had the slight edge with 5.4 yards per play... all this on more than 8 fewer minutes with the ball than TN. How, then, did the Titans take this? Because Indy's defense just gave up every time the Titans got within sneezing distance from the goal line and let LenDale White run it in twice while Chris Johnson added one of his own. Pa. Thetic. White only had 13 freaking yards on the game, and he STILL managed 2 touchdowns?! For god's sake, Indy, you're supposed to try HARDER when you're at your own goal line.

Yeah, I'm not even going to bother coming up with a caption for this one. It's pretty great just the way it is.

Worst of the Weekend: An NFC crapstravaganza!

2008-10-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

"Fire! Fire from the sky! It must be Kurt Warner!"
The Carolina Panther's pass defense: Well, I feel about as stupid as those Oklahoma idiots who decided to play "chicken" with a cop. After spending last week bragging up the power of the Panther's awesome pass defense, I watched old man Warner destroy them the way his God demolished Sodom and Gomorrah: With pure fire and lightning, baby. Kurt completed 71 percent of his passes (35-for-49) en route to 381 yards and 2 touchdowns. And it's not like the Cardinals were setting up the pass with their stellar running game: Edge James rushed 7 times for 17 yards and Time Hightower had 6 attempts for only 3 yards. In the end, Carolina won the shootout, but only because Arizona, true to form, bungled the game way...

The Arizona Cardinals: You know I have to say it: The Cardinals are indeed who we thought they were. After building a surprising two-touchdown lead in the first half, the Cards spit in the face of prosperity by committing a handful of critical failures. First, late in the second quarter, coach Ken Whisenhunt decided to fake a 39-yard field goal attempt. On fourth-and-14. The play came up four yards short of a first down, so Arizona lost the ball and an opportunity for a pretty sure score. Then, early in the third quarter, James lost a fumble that gave the Panthers a shortened field and set up a game-tying TD pass by Delhomme. Warner responded on 'Zona's next possession by hitting Anquan Boldin for a two-yard touchdown, but Dirk Johnson bumbled the hold on the extra point, leaving Arizona with a 23-17 lead late in the third. (Note: That's four points the Cardinals gave up. This will be important later.) After a Delhomme-to-Smith TD gave Carolina a 24-23 lead, Warner was picked off near the goal line and the turnover was eventually translated into a Carolina field goal that accounted for the final score of 27-23. You guessed it: A FOUR POINT MARGIN OF VICTORY. You can't make this stuff up.

The moral of this story: Don't bet on Arizona on the road. Just. Don't. Do it.

Ken Whisenhunt, quote machine: Regarding his decision to go for it on freaking fourth-and-14 instead of just kicking a field goal and extending a double-digit lead on the road: "Maybe that was a little bit long to run that field goal fake." Brilliant deduction, coach.

Jake Delhomme's amazing man-crush: I had no idea Jake was so in love with Kurt Warner. Regading their pregame chit-chat, Delhomme said: "Talked to him a good while before the game. Didn't get to talk to him after. I would have probably asked him for his autograph." Then: "It's hard for me to watch our defense play because we're going over stuff, looking at pictures, but I caught myself watching him today. I'm proud of him." That's some serious love that dare not speak its name. I'm sorry to report, though, that Kurt's already spoken for. But don't worry. If the world's heaviest man can find love, so can you, Jake. So can you!

"You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. BEEFCAKE!"

Bucs versus 'Boys: The final score was 13-9. I will now rip out my own eyes and set them on fire. Damn them for letting me watch this abomination.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneer "air show": Wow. Jeff Garcia threw 44 times yesterday. That was the plan? Seriously?! Hey, coach Gruden. Time for a new plan.

Brad Johnson, quote machine: BJ played the role of "game manager" to slow-and-steady-wins-the-race perfection yesterday, completing 19 passes for 122 yards. Boo if you must -- the Dallas fans sure did -- but that 3.7 yards-per-pass average was good enough for the win. And the Cowboys haven't been getting a lot of those lately, so don't expect any apologies from Brad. "We knew going in it was going to be an ugly game at times. Third-and-long, check it down, let them boo you -- that's OK by me. You’ve just got to manage the game." You tell 'em, Brad. And, really, it's our own fault. We should be teaching the youth of America to admire game managers, not game makers.

The Detroit Zeroes: Ford Field didn't sell out for the first time since it opened in 2002, and the fans not in attendence missed out on seeing their team scrap their usual "fall behind early and never recover" strategy to employ the slightly more depressing "take an early lead and hang onto it only to miserably fail at the end." I, for one, appreciate seeing Detroit fail in new and different ways. Although it's worth noting that they're still spreading their hoochies for opposing QBs: Jason Campbell was 23-of-28 for a season-high 328 yards with a touchdown and a career-high 127.4 passer rating, surpassing his previous career-high (established last year...against the Lions). Detroit has now allowed six of the seven quarterbacks they've faced this season set a career-high passer rating against them. They also watched Santana Moss catch a season-high nine passes for 140 yards, including a 50-yard TD that put the 'Skins ahead late in the third quarter. Moss also returned a punt 80 yards for a touchdown. It was the first time Moss had acheived the feat since 2002. Oh, and Clinton Portis ran for 126 yards. The point, in case you missed it, is that if somebody on your fantasy team is facing Detroit this week, START HIM. Even if he dies mid-week, start him. The Zeroes are resurrecting everybody.

Chargers versus Saints: If you're a fan of shootouts, this game was for you. But I thought of this game as The Day That Defense Died. But who knows? Maybe that was all part of the plan. Said Chargers defensive end Luis Castillo: "I thought it was what the fans here wanted to see. I thought they wanted a high-scoring game. I thought they wanted to see the ball being thrown. I thought they wanted to see amazing athletes making amazing plays, and that's what they got." Amazing athletes making amazing plays? Sure. On one side of the ball, anyway.

Drew Brees, liar, liar, pants on fire: Regarding his team's win over the team that once spurned him: "This game was not about me proving a point or proving anybody wrong or saying they shouldn't have let me go. We beat a very good team today that needed a victory as badly as we did." I very nearly let this one go until he made the "We beat a very good team..." comment. That's when I knew he was screwing with us.

Michael Turner: His feast-for-famine season continues. Yesterday's numbers: 17 rushes for 58 yards, no TDs. And several thousand fantasy football team losses.

Andy Reid, quote machine: Regarding Brian Westbrook, who returned yesterday to rush for 167 yards and 2 TDs, the coach said: "He was dialed up." Memo to coach Reid: Stop trying to sound cool. You're fooling exactly nobody.

San Francisco 49ers: Gak. These guys were so bad I thought new coach Mike Singletary was going to burst a vein during the game. Samuri Mike benched J.T. O'Sucksville after he got sacked thrice, fumbled twice and threw an interception on fourth down. Then he yanked tight end Vernon Davis for slapping a Seattle player's helmet, chewed the kid out on the sidelines, then sent him to the locker room. He probably wanted to launch the defensive line into space after Leonard "The Chunk Master" Weaver caught a couple short passes and shambled his fat butt downfield for TDs of 62 and 43 yards. But, since Singletary doesn't have access to NASA equipment, he was left to beg pardon from the Niner faithful for the team's pathetic suckage. Before he went into the locker room, he removed his hat and spoke to the fans above the tunnel, saying: "I apologize. I apologize to you guys." Good times, gooooooood times.

"We're number one! At sucking!
The Steelers' offensive line: What did Ben Roethlisberger do to piss them off? Sleep with all their girlfriends and baby mamas? Refuse to add them as friends on his Facebook page? Leave dismembered skunk parts in their lockers? Whatever happened, Roethlisberger got sacked five times yesterday, bringing his season total to 23. I'm half expecting them to buy him a new motorcycle for Christmas. Oh, and speaking of Big Ben...

Ben Roethlisberger: At least part of the reason this dude keeps getting sacked is because he stands in the pocket death-gripping the ball like it's an infant he's scared to drop. Do that for the 10 seconds or so and you're gonna get hit. And in addition to all those sacks, he also tossed four picks. Man, Ben, if you're that determined to help the other team out, why not just hand over your playbook or set the locker room on fire?

Lack of foresight: Steelers long snapper Greg Warren suffered a season-ending knee injury on his final snap of the third quarter. (I never realized snapping was such a dangerous occupation.) Anyway, this injury would prove to be Pittsburgh's undoing late in the game when, on fourth-and-22 from its 18, Steelers substitute snapper James Harrison -- who had never snapped in a game in high school or college, much less the NFL -- fired his first snap over the head of punter Mitch Berger and out of the end zone for a safety. That tied the score at 14-14.

Oh, but it gets worse. Berger injured his hamstring in the second quarter. After the safety, he had to launch a free kick from the Steelers' 20. It traveled only 49 yards and set the Giants up near midfield. From there, Eli led New York on its only touchdown drive of the game. The winning drive, as it turned out.

According to Steelers coach Mike Tomlin: "Nobody has two deep snappers. The best you have after that is an emergency snapper. We identified James as our leading candidate. James Farrior was next." Yeah, how'd that work out for you, coach?

Your weekend picks Part 2: Basketbawful does the NFC

2008-10-24T09:29:00.001-07:00

Panthers over Cardinals. The Arizona Air Show -- second in the league at 273.2 yards per game -- truly is an awesome spectacle to behold. When the Cardinal's are playing at home, that is. They're only 1-2 on the road, and their last away game on the East Coast was that 56-35 faceplant against the Jets. Now they're heading to Carolina, where the Panthers are undefeated this season. And, as I mentioned in this week's NFC Powerless Rankings, the jungle cats rank second in pass defense, allowing only 168.7 yards per game. It's like their D magically transmogrifies every opposing QB into Tavaris Jackson. I'm sorry, Kurt. Your God cannot protect you against these defensive demons. Which is how the Panthers are getting it done, by the way. They're strictly middle of the pack on offense: 16th in passing (210.0 YPG), 15th in rushing (114.0 YPG) and 16th in total offense (324.0 YPG).

"Thanks for the inspiration coach!" Part I: "We've got to take this home show on the road." - Cardinals coach Ken Whisenhunt.

Stat curse of the week: Panther's kicker John Kasay is 14-for-14 on field goal this season, extending his streak to 19 straight dating to last season. But forget about the numbers: Kasay is more than just a kicker for Carolina. (He also hand-washes the team's jock straps after every game, making them silky soft and Springtime fresh!)

Ominous fact of the week: The last time the Cardinals opened the season at 4-2 (back in 2002), they went on to finish 5-11.

Cowboys over Buccaneers. Whew. Sorry I'm so flushed and out of breath. I've spent the last several hours having wild, crazy, hanging-from-the-chandelier monkey sex with the Cowboys' downfall. Of course, their collapse isn't a physical thing, so I had to, uh, use a stand-in...

I call her "How's my ass taste, Dallas?!" And we're in love.
ANYway, as fun as it's been watching the 'Boys implode, this game has one of those "wounded animal with its back against the wall" feels to it. And, as well as Tampa has been playing lately, I don't like thier chances on the road against a desperate team. Especially since their only win away from home came courtesy of one of the Bears' patented fourth-quarter collapses.

The "Awwwwww, that's so sad (but not really)" quote of the week: "It's like we've been riding a wave. Now, the wave is gone. We're just like everybody else. No matter what the talent is, publicity, whatever goes on here, it doesn't really matter." - Cowboys linebacker Bradie James, regarding his team's "Lucifer cast violently out of Heaven"-like fall from grace.

The "I don't think that word means what you think it means..." quote of the week: "The season is still prevalent." - Cowboys defensive end Marcus Spears, regarding the fact that his team needs to look both ways before the chickens hatch. Or something like that. And because I have too...

Redskins over the Zeroes. Detroit is giving up 167.5 rushing yards per game. That makes them next to dead last against the run. Washington, on the other hand, ranks third in rushing by trampling over their opponents for 158.1 YPG. It doesn't take one of the world's leading footbawfulologists -- which I am, by the way -- to see where this is leading.

Out-of-context quote of the week: "There are times when there are big holes and there are times when there is not much of a hole." - Redskins right tackle Jon Jansen.

The "Uh, if you say so, coach" quote of the week: "I feel that the progression of this team this week was a good one." - Lions coach Rod Marinelli, regarding his team's progression. But, hey, when you start on the bottom, there's no place to go but...you know what? They're stuck at the bottom.

Chargers over Saints. Ah, finally! A battle of two teams that have shocked the football world by being much worse than anybody could have anticipated. And now they get to take their Suckfest across the pond, continuing America's policy of quiet revenge against the British for overtaxing our tea or whatever all those years ago. Take that, you filthy Redcoats.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious!" quote of the week: "He has been a big part of what we have been able to do offensively and it's an injury that we have to deal with." - Saints coach Sean Payton on the out-of-commission Reggie Bush.

The "Game Inside The Game" of the week: This has all the makings of a revenge game for Drew Brees, who was unceremoniously dumped by the Chargers a few seasons ago. Said Mr. MOLEY MOLEY MOOOOOOLE: "I'd be lying if I told you it was just any other game. But certainly I'm not blowing it out of proportion, and I'm not putting any added pressure on myself or my team." He then turned to Pierre Thomas and screamed "WE HAVE TO WIN THIS ONE OR I WILL HATE YOU BITCHES FOREVER!" and ran out of the locker room in tears. Note that Brees leads the league with 2,224 passing yards this season. So, you know, I think the Saints will be throwing the ball and stuff.

Eagles over Falcons. The torture that Jigsaw puts his victims through in those Saw movies is going to look like a five-year-old pulling the wings off of a fly compared to what the Philly defense is going to do to Matt Ryan this Sunday. I'm talking dark, disturbing, unspeakable things. I am being deadly serious here. I sincerely believe there's a very good chance of an "OH MY GOD CHRIS SIMMS LOST HIS SPLEEN"-type incident. Hey, maybe I'm way off base about this. But I really hope that Matt tells his mom he loves her before kickoff. I'm just sayin'.

Hey, look on the bright side: At least you aren't Matt Ryan!
"Thanks for the inspiration coach!" Part II: "This was a significant game in general for us. It's important we establish more consistency and eliminate some of the highs and lows." - Eagles coach Andy Reid, regarding the team's Week 6 cornholing of the 49ers.

The "Ya know, I don't think they're going to stop..." quote of the week: "We're not going to stop. You may get us every once in a while, but we're not going to stop. - Eagles safety Brian Dawkins, regarding Philly's defensive mindset.

49ers over Seahawks. Mike Singletary was named interim head coach of the Niners for his fiery passion, not his knowledge of Xs and Os. Still, this quote from San Fran's new head man is probably a cause for concern: "I don't really know...what button to press here and what button to press there." Dude! Seriously, how can you not know...

Oh. Uh, well, never mind then. What the hell? Maybe it's best not to press any buttons. Just be happy your first game as a head coach is against sad sack loo-hoo-hoosers like the Seahags. That's like getting a practice game!

"Thanks for the inspiration coach!" Part III: "Right now, the guys realize that we do have something here. To what degree, I don't know, but we do have something here." - Niners coach Mike Singletary, regarding...I have no idea.

The "Well, no shit, Sherlock!" quote of the week: "Our confidence on offense isn't where it should be." - Mike Holmgren, regarding the fact that his team's offense couldn't score in a room full of hookers downing whiskey and Rohypnol shooters.

Steelers over Giants. The Steelers lead the league in sacks with 25. The Giants are tied (with the Eagles) for second in sacks at 21. Let me feed these numbers into the Bat Computer...okay, reading the printout...holy protect the quarterback, Batman! These teams are averaging about four sacks per game between them. And you know what that means: SACK PARTY!!

Now, on paper, this game seems to favor the Giants. Sure, the Steeler's have the league's top-ranked defense, which allows a paltry 228.3 YPG. But their offense is, um, not so good, averaging a meager 298.8 YPG...which ranks 25th in the NFL. Conversely, the Giants are strong on defense (ranked fourth and allowing only 275.2 YPG) and offense (second overall and gaining an amazing 395.0 YPG). Here's where the "Yeah, but..." comes in. Let's look at the murderer's row New Yawk has faced through their first six games: Washington (before they got their act together), St. Louis (ditto), Cincinnati, Seattle, Cleveland and San Francisco. So you'll understand my skepticism.

The "Uh, Really? I had no idea..." quote of the week: "There's always that little thing inside of you that wants to be the best, so I've got to get another Super Bowl before he does." - Ben Roethlisberger, regarding the heretofore unknown Ben Roethlisberger-Eli Manning Rivalry, which unbeknownst to anyone has become, by default, the premier QB versus battle in the league.

Last week's record: 7-6

Season record: 44-27

Your Weekend Picks, Part 1: The FutureMrs Picks The Patriots, Amazingly

2008-10-24T06:43:00.000-07:00

Baltimore Ravens over Oakland Raiders. Three words: Take. The. Under. The shut-down Baltimore defense and comatose Baltimore offense will carry the day in a game that will likely feature no more than 3 scoring drives and a whole lot of Darren McFadden getting stuffed. Do not watch this game. I'm in Washington, D.C. (what a whole lot of unnecessary punctuation for one city name) this weekend and I'm doing everything in my power to ensure that I do not get stuck watching this game. I'd recommend that you do the same.

Basketbawful says: What's black, white and red all over. The Raiders after Sunday's game.

Buffalo Bills over Miami Dolphins. I'm truly sorry to those of you Dolphins fans who got all excited by those 2 exciting wins back at the beginning of the season. Now reeling from back-to-back losses to the Ravens (ick) and the Texans (double ick), Miami's inevitable plunge back into irrelevance will be hastened along by a loss to the Bills this weekend. The good news is that they play Denver next week, which means Chad Pennington will absolutely pass for 500 yards and Ronnie Brown will run the ball so hard a few innocent ladies in the stands might get pregnant. And then Dolphins fans will get their hopes up all over again before a second, inevitable disappointment. Which I guess is really bad news.

Basketbawful says: All I have to say is this: I hope all you Ronnie Brown fantasy owners sold high a few weeks ago. Oh, and Trent Edwards is my new man crush.

New England Patriots over St. Louis Rams. Honestly, I don't think anyone knows what to expect from this game. The Patriots rebounded from humiliation at the hands of the Chargers with a totally unexpected ass-whomping of the Broncos; meanwhile, the Rams have apparently chosen to defy the laws of nature entirely and win two games in a row. Seriously, I hear they've also invented a perpetual motion machine that will reverse entropy by 2012 and also makes delicious cupcakes. So, many people will tell you that anything could happen in this game -- like, honestly, Marc Bulger could very well morph into a truck, Optimus Prime-like, and mow down the Patriots defense while throwing a touchdown pass that opens up a portal into another universe. Wouldn't surprise me a bit at this point. I, however, say that the Patriots are absolutely going to win, as the one law of nature that will remain constant no matter what kind of wacky hijinks these Rams pull off is that I never pick against my Patriots. Whee!

Basketbawful says: Hm. I just don't see the Rams winning in New England. But, strangely enough, I can visualize Marc Bulger as Optimus Prime. Which would make Matt Cassel Megatron, right? Man, this is taking me to a scary mental place...

New York Jets over Kansas City Chiefs. Christ, when did the AFC become so awful? The Jets are going to win this, but we're all losers for it.

Basketbawful says: Kansas City might actually stand a chance in this game if Larry Johnson could take a break from choking bitches. But he can't, so they don't.

Jacksonville Jaguars over Cleveland Browns. Hey, everyone, Captain Obvious blogs for Jaguars.com! Permit me a quotation, if you will: "[At] some point in their remaining 10 games the Jaguars will have to get on a roll; they will have to put together a significant winning streak of some sort; say, five in a row or six out of seven, seven out of nine, etc." In other words, if the Jaguars want to have a good season they need to win more of their remaining games then they lose. But wait: there's more! "The Jaguars’ fate this season will be determined over the next five weeks," reveals our daring blogger. That will put us at, oh, Week 12 -- so, like, the Jaguars fate will be determined by the majority of the season that remains. How deliciously novel! "Too strong a statement?" questions this maverick of the blogosphere at the end of the column. Look, buddy. A strong statement is something along the lines of, "The Cleveland Browns are an absolute toxic cesspit of godawful quarterbacking and no offensive talent who could probably find a way to make a bye week still somehow come up a loss, and I fully expect Jacksonville to mash them into oblivion." You're more like, "I expect that several players wearing outfits that indicate to which team they belong will line up opposite one another on the field and possibly throw or otherwise move an oblong ball back and forth along the turf, perhaps even resulting in points scored at some juncture... ooh, did I overstep my bounds there?" Honestly. How do these people have jobs?

I really need to, like, stop perusing NFL.com. I think it's making me dumber.

Basketbawful says: Let me put it to you this way, I picked up the Jacksonville defense off of waivers as a one-week fill-in simply because they're playing the Browns.

Cincinnati Bengals over Houston Texans. I hate the notion of picking the Bengals to win anything that's not the Nobel Prize for Sucking (previous recipients include Eric Gagne and every M. Night Shyamalan film after The Sixth Sense), but a) the Bengals are not an 0-16 team, and b) the Texans are not a 3-wins-in-a-row team. This seems as good a time as any to mention that I met a guy last night who's a big Texans fan, and he was talking my ear off about why they should start Sage Rosenfels under center. I told him he was an idiot and laughed in his face. You can't teach this kind of charm, kids.

Basketbawful says: I'm all for trying to pick an upset, but this is like a five-year-old bed-wetter going up against an autistic fifth grader. It'll be an embarrassing slapfight, sure, but my money's still on the bigger kid. I'm taking the Texas Toasts.

Tennessee Titans over Indianapolis Colts. Take one of the league's best running games and mix it with a run defense that couldn't stand up to an old lady with a feather duster, and what do you have? Like 8,000 yards apiece for LenDale White and Chris Johnson. Don't fight the rhythm, baby.

Basketbawful says: It's hard to pick against my Colts...but the way they're playing makes that easier and easier every week. Much as I like to man-crush on my boy Peyton, I don't see Indy taking down the league's last unbeaten team. Unless, like, they wire their defensive line with explosives. Of course, that would still require them to, like, make actual physical contact with Johnson and White...

futuremrsrickankiel's Week 7 Record: 11-3 WOOO!

Season Record: 39-31

Powerless Rankings: The NFC

2008-10-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

1. The Detroit Zeroes. Here's a quote you can immediately file under "What the fuuuuuuu...?" Detroit coach Rod Marinelli -- whose squad hasn't scored a first quarter point this season -- had this to say about the team's offense: "I like what we're doing. We have to do it better." Yes, and I like what the folks on Wall Street has been doing lately. They just need to do it better.

Sure, the Zeroes managed to score 21 points last week -- against the Texas Toasts -- but it's worth noting that Calvin Johnson caught a 58-yard Hail Mary pass on the last play of the first half and a 96-yard touchdown in the fourth quarter. That's 14 points that should not have been. Lightning isn't supposed to strike twice, and it sure as hell won't strike a third time for the Lions. Good God, Detroit has become a depressing football wasteland. Seriously, I could swallow a copy of Necessary Roughness and poop a better football team than this. They're so abominable, I want to lash out violently at the world around me. So I'm going to punish you, the reader, with this music video -- starring Scott Bakula! -- from the major motion picture Necessary Roughness.

2. The Seattle Seahawks. Poor Matt Hasselbeck is suffering from a bulging disk in his back that's pinching a nerve and causing weakness in the knee he hyperextended against the Giants three weeks ago...and the Seahawks are doing everything they can to get him back on the field. Uh, listen, Seattle coaching staff: If things like "walking" and "sitting on toilet" are difficult and painful for Hasselbeck, do you really think he should be throwing a football and getting run down by 300-plus pound men? I guess when your team has thrown for a combined 156 yards in two weeks, it's natural for desperation to set in. And hey, if that's the case, I'm sure the Bears would be happy to trade you Rex Grossman...

3. The San Francisco 49ers. After being named interim head coach earlier this week, Mike Singletary released the following statement: "I'm Samurai Mike. I stop 'em cold. Part of the defense, big and bold. I've been jammin' for quite a while, doin' what's right and settin' the style. Give me a chance, I'll rock you good. Nobody messin' in my neighborhood. I didn't come here lookin' for trouble. I just came to do The Super Bowl Shuffle."

"I'm telling you, the 46 defense is gonna make a comeback..."
Bonus quote: Team owner Jed York, who once stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, shrewdly diagnosed his team's problem: "I think we are getting 'out-intensitied.' I don't think that's a word, but I'm going to use it anyway." Bargleblibberfitz isn't a word either, but I'm going to use it anyway. Bargleblibberfitz!

4. The Dallas Cowboys. Watching the Cowboys slowly fall apart is like having sex for the first time all over again. I'm not even kidding. If the Dallas collapse was a physical thing, I would be dry humping it right now. A special "STIMPY, YOU EEE-DIOT!" goes out to Tony Kornheiser, who was trying to award Dallas the Vince Lombardi Trophy all the way back in Week 2. Good call, Tony. Remind me not to follow your stock tips.

5. The Philadelphia Eagles. According to the Eagles' team report: "The Eagles must get much better production from the tight end position the next 10 weeks if they hope to make a serious Super Bowl run." To which I say: "Hello, Earthlings. I am Rrellegard from the planet Klytaemnestra. I have travelled many zottlepracks -- what you Earth people know as a "light year" -- searching for an answer to this intergalactic question: How could anyone in the seven planes of reality think that tight end production is the missing element of the Eagle's Super Bowl run? ANSWER OR BE VAPORIZED, HUMAN SLUGS!"

6. The Minnesota Vikings. Let's see: 41 points, 439 total yards, and 1 loss.

7. The New Orleans Saints. The Saints learned two things last week: 1) why the Giants were so freaking happy to offload Jeremy Shockey and 2) that "defense" thing? Pretty important. Not that it isn't a barrel of party monkeys watching Drew Brees throw for 350+ yards every week and everything, but that's putting a lot of pressure on Drew and his mole sidekick. And Reggie Bush, the team's Swiss Army Knife, will miss the next three to four weeks after having surgery to repair a torn medial meniscus in his left knee. That's bad news for a team that's only 3-4 and staring up at everybody else in their own division. On the bright side: Less than four months 'till Mardi Gras!

Don't worry, New Orleans. Good times are right around the corner.
8. The Atlanta Falcons. This upstart team may be the surprise of the year, but while they've improved in many areas, passing defense is not one of them. The Falcons have given up 286, 313 and 294 yards passing in their previous three games. Oh, and look! There's Donovan McNabb, licking his chops as if this Sunday's game was a giant bowl of Chunky soup. IF ONLY THE EAGLES WERE GETTING BETTER TIGHT END PRODUCTION.

Anyway, Falcons coach Mike Smith would like people to stop hounding the team's secondary about all those yards they've been Frenching up (that is, surrendering): "Our passing yardage is not where we'd like it to be, but it's not necessarily totally attributed to the play of the secondary. I think that often times people have snap judgments as to why certain things are happening. You have to always be cognizant of the linebackers' play in pass defense as well as the defensive line." Oh, so it's everybody's fault. Thanks, coach.

9. The St. Louis Rams. This team is hot, hot, hot after back-to-back wins against the Redskins and Cowboys. And -- BANG! POW! ZOK! -- just like that the Rams are in second place in the NFC West. At 2-4. Dear merciful Zeus. And I thought Detroit was a football wasteland. But before you get too excited about the Resurrection Rams, keep in mind that Stephen Jackson -- who has been their only real offensive weapon this season -- suffered a quad injury in the fourth quarter of last week's game against the Dallas. Said QB Marc Bulger: "He was in quite a deal of pain in the locker room after the game, so I’d expect him to be out a couple of weeks." The injury has since been downgraded to a strain, and Jackson is expected to play at New England this week. But after what happened to the Broncos on Monday, this matchup just kinda feels ominous, doesn't it?

10. The Green Bay Packers. Blah, blah, blah, Arron Rodgers drama, blah, blah, blah. Sidenote: Wonder what's going to happen when the weather gets nasty and the Packers have to start running the ball and stuff.

11. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Jeff Garcia's performance against the Seahawks last Sunday -- 26-for-37, 310 yards, and a 47-yard touchdown pass to Antonio Bryant on the Buc's opening drive -- effectively ended the quarterback "controversy" in Tampa. Still, Garcia's offensive explosion against lowly Seattle yielded only 20 points, so you'll excuse me if I remain a tad skeptical. Jeff still feels like a playoff FAIL waiting to happen.

12. The Arizona Cardinals. Dear 'Zona: You must stop sucking on the road. Yours truly, Footbawful.

13. The Chicago Bears. Kyle Orton is leading a high-octane Bears offense that currently ranks third in the NFL in scoring at 28.0 points per game. I know. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But as fun as Mr. Neckbeard's "out of freaking nowhere" rise to elite quarterback status has been, it can't cover up for a defense that gave up 41 points and 439 total yards to the Vikings despite blocking a punt and forcing five turnovers. They are, officially, the Bizarro Bears.

14. The Washington Redskins. That stunning loss to the Rams was followed up by a butt-ugly win over the Brown Stains. Clinton Portis is limping around...and he's not the only one. It's usually a sign when the head coach says "We're wearing down a little bit." Right?

14. The Carolina Panthers. Here's a warning for all upcoming Panther opponents:

After seven games, Carolina ("They're mighty fina!" ranks second in pass defense, allowing only 168.7 yards per game and a mere five passing touchdowns. Last Sunday, they slammed the brakes on the Saints Throwingmobile, holding Drew Brees and his mole sidekick to 104 yards passing in the first three quarters. And that's just the highlight of a well-balanced team. However, as those lopsided losses to Minnesota and Tampa Bay have shown, the wheels can come off pretty quickly. Not sure I'm ready to take a ride on the bandwagon just yet. Keep my seat warm, FutureMrs.

15. The New York Giants. That loss to Cleveland was a little embarrassing, in a "Lindsey Lohan accidentally showing her snatch" kind of way. But they've still sucked the least of anybody in the NFC. So they remain here for at least another seven days.

Powerless Rankings: The AFC

2008-10-22T13:15:00.000-07:00

-1. The Cincinnati Bengals. In last week's Powerless Rankings, I noted that the Lions are so terrible that they actually defy the assignation of rankings, and transcend any and all attempts to quantify their bawfulness. Thus, I assigned them the ranking of Zero: the total absence of value in contrast to which all value is defined. If that's the case, though, then the Bengals are honestly pushing these rankings into negative territory. With the league's worst record at 0-7 (thank you, early Lions bye week), the Bengals are being outstripped by their opponents in every category imaginable. They've only earned 104 first downs to opponents' 137. They've given up more than twice as many rushing yards as they've gained. The defense, even while running surprisingly effective receiver coverage, has only managed 5 sacks while this porous O-line has given up 26 -- nearly 4 sacks per game. There is not a single category in which these Bengals -- hell, even the Lions have a perfect field goal record! -- are delivering anything other than 100% pure suck. There's a very real chance, mind you, that the Bengals might actually earn their first win this weekend when they take on the Texans. Until then, though, I am officially assigning these Bungles the ranking of -1: less than even the total absence of positive value.

1. The Kansas City Chiefs. It's appropriate, I suppose, that the Chiefs can now be ranked #1 on these Powerless Rankings. Elementary arithmetic teaches us that, if Bengals = -1 and Chiefs = 1, then Bengals + Chiefs = 0. And I think we can all agree that these two teams are worth a whole lot of nothing. With Larry Johnson out for being a mean dipshit (an all-too-common affliction in the NFL), the Chiefs' offense has slid to dead last in the league, averaging just 12.5 points per game. Moreover, Brodie Croyle's now out for the season and Damon Huard is struggling with some kind of hand injury (undoubtedly carpal tunnel syndrome from frantically clicking "refresh" over and over again on his Gmail inbox to see if any employers have responded to his JobFox resume posting), which means -- you guessed it! -- it's time for the Tyler Thigpen Train of Terrible to come rolling back into town. All aboard!

2. The Cleveland Browns. The good news, Clevesters? You're not the worst team in Ohio. The bad news? You're still the Browns -- oh, and your entire locker room is infected with staphylococcus.

Frankly, though, I'm all in favor of Kellen Winslow's suspension -- provided he can use his bye week to schedule a cage match with Joey Porter. I'd so much rather watch those two muscleheads slug it out than watch either the Browns or the Dolphins play football that it's not even funny. Actually, yeah, it's kind of funny. Haha!

3. The Oakland Raiders. Blech. I do not like anything about this team. I don't even want to write about them, really. Can I write about something else? Teacher?

4. The Miami Dolphins. Don't rush out and buy those Dolphin-themed party favors just yet, kids. Two losses in a row -- to the Texans and the Ravens, no less -- do not bode well for the Ronnie Brown Comeback Tour. It's worth pointing out, mind you, that Chad Pennington's thrown for almost 1,400 yards and is averaging a TD per game with a 68.6% completion rate. It's even more worth pointing out that, while Miami's offense is averaging 20 points an outing, Miami's defense is letting up an average of 21.7 points per game. Ya dig?

5. The San Diego Chargers. Bob's your uncle, guv'nah! These Chargers are riding the lorry to the wastebin faster than yesterday's kippers, and LaDainian Tomlinson's a silly git with a bunion in his bootie. The Bolts have nipped across the pond to have a butcher's at Parliament and play a spot of footie against the Papists from New Orleans this weekend, and will hopefully be back soon because I think I just used up all my Cockney dialect in those 3 sentences.

6. The Houston Texans. The more I look at Houston's offense, the more I think that perhaps I -- and many others -- wrote them off too hastily at the outset of this season. They've got Andre Johnson averaging over 100 yards receiving per game, Steve Slaton putting up more-than-respectable numbers even as Ahman Green returns to the lineup, Matt Schaub with 7 TDs on the season... those are the makings of a perfectly competent offense, you know? But then I look at their defensive stats, and I die a little inside.

7. The Baltimore Ravens.
And the Ravens, never flitting, still are sitting, still are sitting,
With an even 3-3 record in the AFConference North...

8. The Indianapolis Colts. My esteemed co-editor is rather fond of the mantra, "They are who we thought they were" (e.g. the Chiefs following up a surprise upset of the Broncos by letting the Panthers shut them out 34-0). I'm not sure how this applies here, since, like, I kind of thought the Colts were going to be, you know, good and stuff this season. So I guess their decisive win over the Ravens would make them who I thought they were. But, as it turns out, that game was more an aberration than a return to form... the Colts went right back to losing when they dropped to the Packers this weekend. So, they're not who I thought they were, or they're who I should have thought they were but didn't, or they're who I thought they weren't, or they're who I thought they were when they weren't... ack! Let's put it this way: if LenDale White and Chris Johnson exemplify the Smash-and-Dash running game, these Colts exemplify the Bail (Joseph Addai sitting out a game as rookie Mike Hart taps out for the season) and Fail (Dominic Rhodes... 'nuff said) game.

9. The Denver Broncos. PWNED!!1!!!1!!!!!! With lights-out cornerback Champ Bailey out for 4-6 weeks with a pubic injury of sorts, things are going from bad to worse for this Denver team. They have a few more wins in them, sure; hell, if the Raiderschargerschiefs have anything to say about it, they'll still walk away with the AFC West. Monday night's embarrassment at the hands of the Matt Cassel All-Stars, though, proved what we were all starting to suspect: these Broncos have all the staying power of a snowman in a sauna. So they are who we thought they were once we realized they weren't who we thought they were. Maybe they should change their name to the Pwnies.

10. The New York Jets. Oakland tried so hard to hand Sunday's game to the Jets, and they just weren't biting. Maybe they figured out the fundamental rule of sports victories that most of us learned back in middle school basketball: if you win, you get taken out for pizza, which is definitely tasty... but if you lose, you get taken out for ice cream. Which is way better. Anyway, the Jets, like the Broncos, are certainly due for a few more wins this season, and their defense is steadily improving with each week. That said, eh, they're the Jets. Who wants ice cream??

They're called jimmies, dammit.
11. The Jacksonville Jaguars. Boooooooring. Next!

12. The New England Patriots. I don't know whether these are the real Patriots or a gruesome, Pet Sematary-type version of them that seems like the real thing but is ultimately evil and bent on destroying us all. And, frankly, I don't care. WOOOO GO ZOMBIE PATRIOTS!

13. The Buffalo Bills. Trent. Freaking. Edwards. Through 6 games, this young man has a completion rate of nearly 70% with an average of over 200 passing yards per game and just 2 interceptions -- good for a 98.8 passer rating and a 5-1 record. Just this past weekend against San Diego, he completed 25 of 30 attempts en route to a 23-14 victory. As tough as it may be to believe in the Bills, Edwards' level-headedness in the pocket, tremendous vision on the field, and clean play execution are awfully reminiscent of another handsome young AFC East quarterback who led his team to an unexpected season and a near-miraculous Superbowl victory just a few years back. Are the Bills for real? Shit, kid, I don't know. The Rams just won two games in a row. Anything's possible. Here's the point: for now, the difference between the Bills and a team like, say, the Chiefs is so big it might as well be infinite. Rock on, Trent Edwards.

14. The Pittsburgh Steelers. Sakes alive! No one -- like, NO one -- is getting past this Pittsburgh defense. Not even Byron Leftwich's mom with a plate full of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. First in the league against the pass and second against the rush... fewest points total yards allowed... holding opponents to under 15 points per game on average? Add to that the arrival of lanky WR rookie Limas Sweed and an unexpectedly brilliant performance from Mewelde Moore in Willie Parker's absence, and you've got a tasty football concoction of awesome that could be a force to reckon with in the playoffs.

15. The Tennessee Titans. The inevitable Bible Belt Bowl(TM) looms closer and closer with each passing week. Your undefeated Tennessee Titans, ladies and gents. A shut-down defense that's holding opponents to just 11 points per game, consistent play from Kerry Collins (who's only thrown 3 picks on the season), the fearsome running duo of Chris Johnson (549 yards on 103 carries) and LenDale White (TDs 8, boxes of Twinkies consumed immediately following each game 15)... there are so many reasons why these Titans are as good as they are. Moreover, with upcoming games against Indy (worst run defense in the league, whom LenDale White has been known to mow down like so many meatball subs) and Green Bay (defense suffering from mysterious polio-like epidemic), it looks like these Titans could be wearing that tantalizing "undefeated" label for some time.

I hear they asked him if he would consider endorsing NutriSystem, and he responded by devouring Dan Marino whole.

Worst of the Weekend Smorgasboard: Over 80 different varieties of fail!

2008-10-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

Drew Brees. Holy mole-y! (Sorry.) Brees has been near-perfect all season, but he simply couldn't get it together against Julius Peppers and the fearsome Panthers defense on Sunday. He threw an interception (only his 7th of the season) right into the arms of one Kenyatta Cornelius Lucas (yes, that's really his name. Isn't that awesome?) and was just 21-for-39 in passing attempts on the day. Brees still posted 36 more passing yards than his counterpart Jake Delhomme, but Delhomme managed 2 touchdown passes and Brees managed, well, none. Sad for him!

Reggie Bush's knee. Just a day before his team was set to depart for England to meet with the Chargers, Bush injured his beleaguered knee (on a punt return, of all things) towards the end of the first half; it was announced that he will be out for 3-4 weeks. With LT under-performing due to this mysterious "turf toe" ailment (it's like having a green thumb, only instead of making you grow beautiful flowers and fresh tasty vegetables it makes you wither the souls of all those poor schmucks who wasted a 1st-round draft pick on you), I'd say this planned London match-up is going south about as quickly as some famous bridge I hear is also falling down.

Jeremy Shockey. I've been known to be a Shockey apologist in the past, but fie upon him (fie, I say!) for his miserable and, sadly, all-too-characteristic antics on Sunday. Clearly upset following a fumble that led to a TD for hotshot Panthers rookie Jonathan Stewart, Shockey fumed that he felt "60% worse" following the game and blamed his struggles on the way the Saints have handled his injury. Hey, Jeremy: in the real world, people can't just kiss your boo-boos and make them go away. It's on you to communicate your needs like a grown-ass man and conduct yourself as though you were getting paid to keep your body in top condition -- which, come to think of it, you are. Shockey veered from merely self-pitying and into...

Jeremy Shockey, Quote Machine territory when he called his performance "embarrassing because I have a reputation I want to uphold." Really, Jeremy? I'm fairly certain that your reputation is that of "attention whore-ish crybaby and borderline locker room cancer who babies his injuries and then whines at the way his team plays without him." And frankly, Jeremy, I think you're doing an admirable job of upholding THAT reputation.

Saints vs. Steve Smith. Counting yesterday, Panthers wideout Steve Smith has a total of 47 carries for 604 yards and 7 TDs in his last 7 games against New Orleans. Yesterday, Smith eluded double coverage for a 39-yard TD pass from Jake Delhomme. Smith is a good player, obviously, but he just runs circles around this Saints defense. Actually, no. He runs fly routes and post routes around them. Running circles around them would just be silly.

Defense in the NFC North. All told, these four snooze-worthy teams game up a total of 131 points yesterday -- an average of nearly 33 points per game. Special credit, though, is due to colossal underachievers Minnesota and Chicago, whose game alone was responsible for 89 of those points. Way to ruin the curve, Green Bay!

Gus Frerotte. Four. Freaking. Interceptions. There's just no excuse, Gus. Your star running back ran his ass off for 121 rushing yards (!) and 2 touchdowns, and here you are chucking it into the arms of the first Chicago defender to flash you a smile. Get with the program, son! Remember that tubby little mouse in Cinderella who almost gets his friend eaten alive by the cat because he's so busy running around like a dipshit trying to stuff his face with corn? His name was Gus too. So, like, put down the damn corn and come help the Vikings get that dress ready for the ball! Or something.

Vikings special teams. Minny's "special" kids let up 2 TDs on Sunday. The first came when Chris Kluwe dropped a snap, had his punt blocked, and then attempted an illegal kick that was promptly snatched up by Garrett Wolfe and returned 17 yards to the end zone. (The Perfect Storm of special team ineptitude, really. Or "Spineptitude," as I like to call it.) The second came thanks to defensive back Charles Gordon, who was attempting to block Bears rookie Zackary Bowman: the ball hit him, bounced into the end zone, and was recovered by Bowman for another TD. It's like if the 3 Stooges tried to play football, only with less two-fingered eye-poking and more sucking at football.

Watch Three Stooges - Three Little Pigskins in Funny Videos | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

The Boston Red Sox; any and all affiliated hopes and/or dreams. :(

The San Francisco O-line. Oh man. I warned you that this game would be sack-tacular. But even I couldn't have imagined that hapless 'Niners QB R.J. O'Flannery would get sacked 6 times for a total of 38 yards lost. It's a shame, too -- O'Moynahan certainly outpassed his counterpart Eli Manning, earning 256 gross passing yards on 16 completions (12 of which were for 1st downs). Seriously, though, this O-linehan has more holes in it than a pair of fishnet stockings at a strip club. They better get their game together with a quickness, or Sack Sack O'Sackisack will not be long for this world.

The Cowboys' defense. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you, 2008 NFL Season, for rewarding us each week with at least one upset of such failtacular proportions that the sun itself shines just a little bit brighter in the skies. This week, on Failterpiece Theater: The Dallas D gets lit the fuck up by Marc Bulger's Rams for 34 points -- including 21 in the first quarter alone. Steven Jackson had 25 (!) carries for 160 yards (!!) and 3 TDs (!!!) as the Boys' defenders acted like a bunch of morons playing Madden who pick the damn blitz play every time. 5 sacks on the day is all well and good, Dallas, but not when you're getting made to look like fools by one of the worst teams around.

Brad Johnson. Like Matt Cassel before him, poor Brad is finding out that the Drew Bledsoe effect is a one-way street. It's certainly not fair to pin all the blame for the Cowboys' loss on him, given that the defense was giving it up like a 14-year-old at a Jack Johnson concert, but BJ (ahahaha) was 17-for-34 with 3 INTs and 3 sacks on the day. That was good for a 45.5 passer rating, which still couldn't have felt nearly as bad as getting passed over in favor of Tarvaris Jackson.

The Lions' defense. Sweet Speedy Gonzalez! Not only did this hapless defense (for Christmas, I think I'm going to start a drive to raise some hap for the Lions. Seriously) let the Texans (the freaking Texans, mind you, who are not the kind of team that should be winning back-to-back games) jump out to a 14-point lead in the first quarter (the Lions have been outscored 54-0 in the first quarter so far this season), but they let their undoubtedly thrilled opponents (how are you liking these parenthetical asides so far? I could go on...) control the ball for more than 40 minutes. What's even sadder is that, despite having the ball for less than a third of the game, the Lions still managed to score 21 points... indicating that, were their defense not quite so miserably inept, this Detroit team might actually have pulled out a win and salvaged themselves from their status as Absolute Football Zero. Alas, it was not in the cards.

Seneca Wallace. Seattle's backup QB/wide receiver/hot dog selling guy made his first start in 2 years for the Seahawks and looked nothing short of worthless as he only managed to pass for 73 yards on the night. Sad for him!

The Seahawks' defense. Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse than the Lions' D, here come the C-Hox to let Jeff Garcia and his Bucs hold on to the ball for over 42 minutes. You know, in my keepers league, we have a rule that team owners get penalized for deliberately tanking games. If Seattle were in my league, they'd definitely be under suspicion right now. A 5-year-old kid could play keep-away with these dummies.

****************SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT EDITION: FOOTBAWESOME!****************
Yes, I made my first pilgrimage EVER to Gillette Stadium last night to see my beloved Patriots stomp all over the hapless Denver defense (seriously, there must be a league shortage of hap) and join in the cheering as Andre Tippet (!) was honored at halftime. I won't say that I went totally nuts with my outfit, but I will share the following picture this you:

It's fitting that, on this wonderful night, I not only got to see my team win (!!!), but was treated to some of the bawfulest bawful that ever bawffed. Muchas gracias, Denverinos! On to:

The Broncos' defense. Unlike the Lions and Seahawks games, the issue here wasn't letting the other team control the ball. It was, well, everything else. Matt Cassel looked positively Brady-like as he completed 18 of 24 for 185 yards and 3 (!) TDs, the Patriots mysteriously discovered something called a "running game" (whatever that is) and rushed for 257 yards on the night, Randy Moss came back to life... and these Broncos weren't doing a damn thing about it. They weren't able to force a single turnover on the night. We've all known, mind you, that Denver's defense has more gaps than a hockey player's smile, but seriously? New England hasn't run the ball since like 1999. What's your excuse, Denver?

Jay Cutler. As though to add insult to injury, not only did the Broncos find a way to help Matt Cassel channel his inner Drew Brees, but Jay Cutler simultaneously elected to channel his inner Gus Frerotte, chucking up 2 INTs to a New England defense that many had left for dead following last weekend's whomping at the hands of the Chargers.

Matt Cassel, [Boring] Quote Machine. In what I can only assume was a nod to the hours of PBS he undoubtedly spent watching as a kid, Cassel mused, "I'd like to think that I continue to grow each and every week" following the game. I think they used to end every episode of Reading Rainbow with that very line. Later, he let fly an "Oh goodness!" when commenting on his team's spectacular rushing performance. Seriously, it's like Anne of Green Gables gave a press conference to read from her diary. Outspoken players have always been frowned upon under the Belichick regime, but this is borderline ridiculous. Someone get this kid a personality!

OH GOODIE!

Worst of the Weekend: The AFC and stuff

2008-10-20T07:53:00.000-07:00

Packers fans heart math and Aaron Rodgers!
Update! That dork in the upper left of the picture: From Pistonsgirl4life:

Check out the guy on the extreme left in the cheesehead photo at the top of this article. WTF is that guy doing? I figure because he's a packers fan and therefore likely from Wisconsin (where Embarrass is a REAL place folks). I have two good bets:

A) He was trying to pick his nose, and missed. Seriously, you can't expect too much hand eye co-ordination out of a man who's eaten fried cheese for lunch every day for the past 20 years.

B) He saw the camera man and decided to slyly shoot him the finger...only to fail miserably and accidentally hold up the wrong one ala Richard Pryor in Moving. Again you can't expect "quick thinking" from a Packer's fan.

Ralph Wilson Stadium: Power was out for most of the first half of the Chargers-Bills game after three helium balloons became entangled in power lines across the street. Yes, you read that correctly: Three helium balloons cut the power to an entire professional sports arena. Thank the gods there weren't, like, four balloons. The place might have blown up or something. I sure hope the terrorists don't hear about our vulnerability to inflatable novelties. Bills owner Ralph Wilson, the megalomaniac who named the stadium after himself, said: "Some guy with a beer said, 'Why don't you pay your electricity bills?' I said, 'I knew it would be my fault.'" Ha, ha. That's one funny gazillionaire. Anyway, I hope they were, like, some kind of mutant, gamma-irradiated balloons at least. That would be kind of cool.

"Hulk Balloon smash stupid power lines!"
The San Diego Chargers: At some point, you can't really call it a "slow start" anymore, guys. At some point, it's time to concede to the reality of the situation: You aren't a very good team. Not on offense. Not on defense. To wit:

Don't let that 103.8 quarterback rating fool you. Phillip Rivers cost the Chargers the game by losing two fumbles and throwing an interception in the end zone, thus nullifying a potential go-ahead score with 3:17 left. Not that the team's All-Everything running back did much to help out: LT rushed for only 41 yards on 14 tries. That's an average of 2.9 yards per attempt, which would be great...for Cedric Benson (more on him later). Wide reciever Vincent Jackson almost surpassed Tomlinson's rushing totals in one attempt. Antonio Gates had a ho-hum four receptions for 55 yards.

San Diego's defense was alternately torched by the previously concussed Trent Edwards (25-for-30, 261 yards, 1 TD, no sacks, no interceptions), Lee Evans (8 receptions, 89 yards, 1 TD) and Marshawn Lynch (19 carries, 70 yards, 1 TD). FAIL.

Mind you, this dismal performance occurred a mere one week after their "comeback" game against the Patriots. I should probably also point out that the Bills held the Chargers -- who were leading the league in scoring -- to only 14 points. Maybe those Buffalo guys are, like, for real or something...

The Indianapolis Colts: At some point, you can't really call it a "slow start" anymore, guys. At some point, it's time to concede to the reality of the situation: You aren't a very good team. Not on offense. Not on defense. To wit:

Petyon Manning's line: 21-for-42, 229 yards, no TDs, 2 INTs and a QB rating (46.6) that would make Rex Grossman wince. Oh, and those interceptions? Both of them were returned for touchdowns. Damn, Peyton. If you're so determined to sabotage your team, couldn't you do it in a funny way, like covering the locker room floor with banana peels or replacing everybody's uniform with a disco outfit? Anyway, Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison were barely visible (a combined 4 receptions for 35 yards and no TDs). And what Dominic Rhodes' final numbers (73 yards, 2 TDs) were padded by a last-minute garbage touchdown.

Indy's defense was alternately torched by the injured Aaron Rodgers (21-for-28, 186 yards, 1 TD and a QB rating of 104.2) and the previously MIA Ryan Grant (105 yards, 1 TD). Man, the Colts are like a defibrillator for flatlining RBs. FAIL.

Mind you, this dismal performance occurred a mere one week after their "comeback" game against the Ravens. And hey, those Packers might be for real too! But not really.

The Bengals: Until they show me something better than what they've shown so far this season, I refuse to refer to them by their full team name. The city of Cincinnati deserves better than that. I'm not sure they're even trying anymore. The Bungles had a 15-yard punt, let their QB get sacked seven times, passively watched Pittsburgh's "in case of emergency only" RB Mewelde Moore rush for 120 yards and 2 TDs, and failed to get a single pinky finger on Ben Roethlisberger ...despite the fact that he's hiding behind an offensive line cut down by injuries. And man, coach Marvin Lewis is pissed. "I'm angry. That's not good. That's not what professional football is all about. We didn't protect the quarterback, and when you do that, you're going to have a hard time getting the ball up and down the field." Forget getting the ball up and down the field. I'm surprised that the Bungles can even feed and clothe themselves without government-sponsored handlers. And I sure wouldn't let them walk down a gravel driveway without knee pads and a crash helmet. GOOD GOD THIS TEAM IS BAD. I'm talking "bag full of smelly butt holes" bad.

The Pittsburgh Steelers: Um, why exactly did the Steelers decide to throw a 16-yard touchdown pass to Hines Ward with less than two minutes left and a 21-point lead? Look, I've got Ward on my fantasy team and was kind of grateful for the garbage points, but haven't the Bungles been humiliated enough? Was it really necessary to rub it in? I guess sportsmanship is for sissies. Speaking of which...

Troy Polamalu: Astute observers may have noticed that Mr. Two-hand Touch was gabbing on his cell phone on the bench late in the game. Nice, huh? But it's even better than that. Know why he was on the sidelines? Mr. "It's becoming more and more flag football" was run the hell over and lost his helmet while trying to tackle Cedric Benson. Yes, that Cedric Benson. Now there's talk about how Polamalu might have suffered a concussion on that play. Aw, whatsamatter, Troy? Sport getting to rough for you? Don't worry. I know just what you need.

Cleveland Browns versus the Washington Redskins: This game made me briefly hate having the NFL package. Loved that scoreless first half. And the 14-for-37 throwing performance by Derek Anderson. But but I really, really loved was the cheese and whine party thrown by...

Kellen Winslow: The truth is out there: Winslow was hospitalized with a staph infection last week. also said he "felt like a piece of meat" and was disappointed general manager Phil Savage didn't check on him when he was in the hospital. Said Winslow: "I heard from Romeo Crennel and I heard from my position coach (Alfredo Roberts) when I was in the Clinic. I heard from my teammates. But I never heard from the main man -- Phil Savage -- and that really disappoints me. Sometimes I don't even feel a part of this team. I'm just frustrated with a lot of things. I feel it's been going on for a while. I don't get treated right and it's not fair. Sometimes I just feel under-appreciated. I felt it was time to say something." Well, this certainly sounds more serious than Troy Polamalu's itchy condition. We'd better go ahead and call...

I mean, wow. So hearing from his head coach, position coach and all his teammates wasn't enough to make him feel cared for? Really? Let's apply a little Real World Logic (TM) to this situation. Let's assume I was hospitalized with inflamed testicles or whatever. Let's further assume that my boss, my immediate supervisor and all my co-workers called or contacted me in some way...but my company's CEO did not. Now what would you think if I started bitching and moaning about it? Would you think that was normal, or that I was a little Cuckoo for Coco Puffs? Think about your answer. You will be judged by it.

The Cleveland Browns health riskiness: Hey, wait a tick...Winslow is the sixth player within the last couple of seasons on the Browns roster to have a staph infection? How in the name of almighty Odin does that even happen? Don't they, like, clean and sterilize and stuff? It makes you wonder why the Browns were so insistent on mumming the word on Winslow's ailment. Were they protecting his privacy...or covering their asses? I'm sure you can guess what Kellen thinks. "They didn't even want me going to the Cleveland Browns' facility because they didn't want me to get re-infected. Something is wrong up there. It needs to be fixed. Nobody knew that I had staph on the team because the Browns didn't want it to get out. But it's my teammates' right to know what's going on at the facility to protect them. Their safety is at risk, too, and I didn't agree with the Cleveland Browns, because they are protecting the organization and not the players." So, let's see, not only do these men have to play for the Browns, they also face the constant danger of contracting a lethal staph infection?! SWEET! Sign me up for some of that!

The Chief's run defense: Surrendering 150 rushing yards to a running back is pretty bad. But giving up 150 yards to two different running backs in the same game? That's what KC did yesterday: Chris Johnson ran for 168 and a TD, and LenDale White rushed for 149 and 3 TDs. Between them, they averaged just a neeknoid over nine yards per carry. Well, now they sort of know what those guys who do the "Running of the Bulls" feel like.

These guys would be perfect for Kansas City's D-line...

Update! Tyler Thigpen, quote machine: This one's from Footbawful reader Steve: "Chiefs (starting?) QB Tyler Thigpen is not much of a quote machine, but I thought this one pretty much says all you need to know about the Chiefs: 'We didn't get shut out again, so that was really nice.'" Wow, Tyler. GO TEAM GO!

The Wildcat formation: Hm, let's take a look at the stat sheet for that Ravens-Dolphins game. Ronnie Brown had 27 on 13 rushing attempts. Ricky Williams had 16 yards on 4 carries. Holy cow! Chad Pennington and his noodle legs outperformed them both: Penny had 25 yards on only four carries. But...but what about that Wildcat formation, which was, like, better than sliced bread and quark particles? Baltimore blitzed to contain it, and the Mildcat offense netted only 4 yards in five plays. Well, whatta ya know? Looks like the NFL has caught up with the Dolphins and their gimmick offense. Sorry, guys. It was fun for a few weeks.

Miami's defense: Hey, to be fair, I can't lay all the blame on the Mildcat formation. This "Top 10" defense the Dolphins entered the game with got vivisected by Joe Flacco (17-for-23, 232 yards, 1 TD and a QB rating of 120.2) and Willis "I like big butts" McGahee (105 yards on 19 attempts and 1 TD). That's what we call the "Bend then break" defense. Oh, and hey, Baltimore's offensive coordinator is Cam Cameron. Wah-wah-waaaaaaaah.

Brett Favre: Yesterday was one of the days when the Packers definitely didn't miss Brett, who was only 21-for-38 for zero TDs, 2 INTs and a QB rating of 47.8 in what can only be described as a Kitnaesque performance. And, natch, the Jets sort of lost because of it. To Oakland. Not that the Raiders didn't try to give the game away...

Icing the kicker: Memo to NFL coaches -- it doesn't work, dumbasses. Jay Feely bonked a field goal that would have given the Raiders a 13-10 win as time expired...only Oakland had called timeout. So, in essence, they gave Feely a practice kick. And that practice made perfect, because he nailed his "second" attempt. Said Feely: "I heard the whistle before I started, which is an advantage to the kicker. If you're going to do that, do that before he kicks. I can kick it down the middle, see what the wind does and adjust. It helps the kicker tremendously." Clearly Feely has an advanced degree from Duh! University. Which is more than I can say for most of the league's coaches.

Your Weekend Picks: NFC Plus!

2008-10-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

Carolina Panthers over New Orleans Saints. This NFC South tilt between the 4-2 Panthers and the 3-3 Saints is bound to be one of the top games you'll see this weekend. This is an interesting pairing given that these teams are sort of each other's inverses: the Panthers are monsters on defense with a decent offense, while the Saints are competent on defense with a sizzling-hot attack. Ultimately, though, I think the Panthers' pass rush and air-tight coverage will carry the day in this one.

Basketbawful says: The FutureMrs has a crush on the Panthers. I have one on Drew Brees and his sexy mole. So I'll have to go with the Saints.

Minnesota Vikings over Chicago Bears. The Clash of the 3-3 Titans! The Ferocious Battle For NFC North Supremacy! Orton vs. Frerotte!

...

OK, so not a whole lot of compelling story lines surrounding this one (unless you happen to be emotionally invested in either of these teams, in which case I'm terribly sorry for you). Here's the big one: Adrian Peterson vs. Matt Forte. There's no question that Peterson's the more efficient running back: he's got approximately the same number of carries as Forte (129 vs. Forte's 127), but has over 100 yards more than the Bears' rookie (563 vs. 459). These teams are so similar in so many other ways that I honestly think it's going to come down to the difference between your top back averaging 4.4 yards a carry rather than 3.6 yards a carry. Overly simplified? Perhaps. But I like the Vikings.

Basketbawful says: Well, I've successfully predicted each of the Bears' collapses this season. Boo-yah for yours truly. But something occurred to me today: Maybe I'M the problem. Maybe I just gotta believe in my team. Plus, as amazing as Peterson is, the Bears have one of the best run D's in the league: They currently rank fifth in the NFL against the run, allowing only 74.3 yards per game. So in all likelihood, that means Gus Frerotte is going to have to beat them with his arm. And as a Bears fan, I feel pretty good about that.

New York Giants over San Francisco 49ers. I don't feel like I need to explain this one.... but, for those of you who demand "statistics" and "logic" and "reasons" for these picks, here's a doozy for you: The Giants defense -- even without Strahan and Umenyiora -- has 15 sacks on the season...an average of 3 sacks per game. Meanwhile, P.J. O'Hanrahan or whatever his name is on the 'Niners has been sacked 23 freaking times. There. That enough of a reason for ya?

Basketbawful says: This is about the time when I'd normally say something like, "They're gonna have to carry what's left of J.T. O'Sullivan off the field IN A SACK." But that would be silly. I doubt there'll be enough of his left to fill a thimble. And that's gonna be a GIANT problem for the Niners. Sorry. Probably should have stopped at least a couple sentences ago.

Dallas Cowboys over St. Louis Rams. ...

Basketbawful says: Apparently, the FutureMrs felt that the outcome of this game was so obvious, there was no need for commentary. And while she's probably right about that, I just have to say a few things. Like, what the hell is Tony Romo thinking? "I must play! My team needs me...AGAINST THE RAMS!" I figured this had something to do with Romo's desire to be Brett Favre: Part II, and I was right. It appears Favre talked him into playing. Which is a pretty brilliant move by Brett if you think about it. I mean, if the Jets and Cowboys both manage to make it to the Super Bowl, Romo having a mangled finger on his throwing hand would sure help New York's chances.

Houston Texans over Detroit Lions. Gah! It's like choosing between having my foot stepped on repeatedly or having to wait in line at the Registry of Motor Vehicles. One is painful, one is annoying, and frankly I'd rather have neither and be done with it. It's actually too bad, I think, that Sage Rosenfels won't be starting for the Texans...the spectacular smorgasboard of suck (super!) of a Rosenfumble/Orloverthegoallinesky matchup would surely be an amusing watch. As is, though, we'll just be treated to Matt Schaub pulling out an uninspired victory over a failtacular Detroit team. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Basketbawful says: At this point, the Lions' only real hope for victory would be for a worm hole to spontaneously open up and suck them into some bizarre alternate universe where everybody sucks at football worse than they do. Which would strain credulity even for science fiction.

Washington Redskins over Cleveland Browns. I don't care what you think you saw on Monday Night Football. The Redskins? A surprisingly strong team that's consistent on offense and competent on defense The Browns? Still very very bad. It's worth pointing out, by the way, that in St. Louis' win over the 'Skins last week, the top players were Jason Campbell (passing), Antwaan Randle El (receiving), and Clinton Portis (rushing). All Washington players. Don't write these Redskins off... and, even if you do, DON'T pick the Browns over them. That's just plain silly.

Basketbawful says: Hm. I sense a "They are who we thought they were!" vibe coming from the direction of Cleveland...

Tampa Bay Buccaneers over Seattle Seahawks. Yarrr, mateys! These Buccaneers shall scuttle these scurvy Seabirds. Avast! Ye landlubbers may swear on it. Yarrr!

Basketbawful says: That furious outburst of panting and moaning you just heard was the simultaneous orgasm of every fantasy football team owner who has the Tampa Bay defense and/or Earnest Graham on their roster.

futuremrsrickankiel's Week 4 Record: 4-10

Season record: 28-28. I AM THE NFC NORTH OF FOOTBALL PICKS.

Your weekend picks: The AFC and some interconference games

2008-10-17T08:03:00.000-07:00

Chargers over Bills: I sure do love stupid quotes. This is what Phillip Rivers had to say after his team trampled over the Patriots last week: "I think it was obviously good to play well." Well, obviously. I'm glad he cleared that up. Rivers also confirmed that it's best to look both ways before crossing the street and warned that it's a bad idea to drink bubble bath or put a plastic bag over your head.

Anyway, this pick is killing me because of -- DUM-DUM-DUUUUUM -- duelling stat curses! Stat curse #1: The Bills are 13-6 following a bye, and haven't lost after an off week since 2004. Stat curse #2: They're just 4-10 all-time against the Chargers. So what happens now? I mean, is it like a double negative in math? Do they just cancel each other out? Or does the stronger stat curse win out? Gah! I just don't know!

Well, when in doubt, I like to pick the team whose quarterback isn't coming back from a concussion. Chargers it is. But don't despair, Buffalo fans. You can still enjoy the game from your very own NFL-approved Bills Dream Seat!

You'll feel like the game is being played in your ass.
Constructed of high quality top grain leather (leatherette sides and back for ease of maintenance) with an embroidered logo sewn into the back, the Bills Dream Seat offers the patented Wallaway feature, so you only need to position your Dreamseat three feet away from the wall for it to fully recline. But that's not all! With your purchase of the Bills Dream Seat -- a bargain at only $999 -- you'll also get either the Mr. Beer Deluxe Edition Beer Kit for $9.99 or Mr. Beer Premium Edition Beer Kit for $19.99. The choice is yours!

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Defense: some teams have it, some teams don't. The Chargers, for example, do not; the Bills do. And, as prolific as this San Diego offense is, I don't see them outlasting the Bills in this one.

Steelers over Bungles: Let me state up front that I hate picking against winless teams. I mean, on the one hand, there's a perfectly good reason that they're winless: They suck. So a really bad team should always lose to a really good team, right? Ah, but it's never quite that simple. Just ask the Broncos, who got handled by then-winless Kansas City in Week 4, or the Redskins, who got upended on Sunday by the previously 0-fer Rams. The Brown Stains weren't winless, but it sure felt like they were...and they dropped a Macho Man-esque atomic elbow on the no-longer-undefeated Giants last Monday night. I'm just saying that the Law of Truly Large Numbers says that, at some point, even a team as woefully inept as the Bungles are going to win a game. That, my friends, is...

On the other hand, the Steelers have a kick-you-square-in-the-nuts defense -- they're second in points per game (15.8) and yards per game (231.6), and they're tied for second in sacks (18.0) -- and they're finally getting everybody healthy (except for ~~running~~ limping back Willie Parker, who aggravated his sprained left knee by stepping in a freaking hole during practice). With Ryan Fitzpatrick starting under center -- and probably preparing to be savagely beaten into something squishy and unrecognizable -- it's hard to imagine the Bungles pulling off the upset. Unless there are a lot more holes, deep ones, for the Steelers to step in on their way to Paul Brown Stadium.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: While I share your reluctance to pick against a winless team, I feel no such reluctance in picking against Ryan Fitzpatrick. Also: LIMAS SWEED BABY WOOOOO!

Jets over Raiders: If you're planning to watch this game live, I suggest you either mute the volume or be prepared for the possibility of uncontrolled vomiting as the Brett Favre Drama Train comes choo-chooing into the station. Wait, what's that? You've forgotten what happened the last time Favre played against Oakland?

[Insert dramatic music here]

One day after his father, Irvin, died of a heart attack, Favre bravely played a football game in front of a national television audience on Monday night. His heart was heavy but his arm was light as he led Green Bay to a 41-7 victory on an evening that would have been as cold as fate itself had the game not been played in Oakland. Though he was in a daze brought on by memories of his father and a silent rehearsal of the post-game quotes his agent had written for him, Favre went 22-of-30 for 399 yards and four touchdowns in that contest that ultimately helped propel the Packers to the NFC North title. Which, as it turns out, was laughingly futile because Green Bay's defense couldn't stop the Eagles on fourth-and-26 in the fourth quarter of their NFC divisional playoff game.

Anyway, like I said, mute the game or...

futuremrsrickankiel sez: On the one hand, Brett Favre appears to be living the dream as he defies all those who doubted him and puts up game after game of killer offense. On the other hand, Oakland is where dreams go to die. Still, I like the Jets.

Titans over Chiefs: Kansas City already got their "banana peel" game out of the way against the Broncos. I don't see it happening again, not against the Titans, not with Larry Johnson out. Speaking of which, LJ was suspended for one game "for an undisclosed violation of team rules." Coach Herm Edwards says this has nothing to do with his latest (of three) charge of assaulting a woman. So he did something worse than beating up a woman? What did he do, skin Herm's kitten alive and eat it?

futuremrsrickankiel sez: The Chiefs trying to play without Larry Johnson is like trying to make guacamole without avocados. It's just a bunch of shit in a bowl. Titans by 800,000.

Colts over Packers: This just in: The Colts-Packers game will be played at the center of the earth! This controversial decision was made out of necessity, since the weight of the drama surrounding these teams' quarterbacks was going to sink Lambeau Field right down to our planet's molten core anyway. Peyton Manning kept a minor surgical procedure secret! Aaron Rodgers has a sore shoulder! OH THE HUMANITY!!

Give it a rest, media. Call me back when something really awful happens, like a partly cloudy day in Hawaii. More meaningless stats: Green Bay's pass defense is holding quarterbacks to a 62.3 passer rating (third-lowest in the league) and 178.8 yards per game (which is seventh-best in the NFL). But before you do something stupid like bench Peyton Manning for Jason Campbell, keep in mind that the murderer's row of QBs the Packers have faced includes Tavaris Jackson, John Kitna, Brian Griese, Matt Ryan and Charlie Frye. It's called context, people.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: Ever heard two old people sit around and try and one-up each other with various maladies and physical ailments? "Well, with my back acting up the way it is..." "You're lucky you still have your hearing, though..." "At least you still have both your hips, I remember back when I had my hip out in '83..." "That's nothing, didn't I tell you my doctor thinks I might have to have my face amputated?" That's kind of what this quarterback matchup is like. The difference-maker: Peyton Manning is Peyton Manning, and Aaron Rodgers is a numb-nuts first-year starter who's let the thick layer of football-related hyperbole that hovers in the Green Bay air like smog over the Hollywood Hills permeate his little brain. Colts win.

Dolphins over Ravens: Baltimore coach John Harbaugh riled up the Miami players by defending buddy Cam Cameron's 1-15 performance as the 'Fins coach last season. Said Harbaugh: "He was an effective coach in Miami last year. Even though the results weren't what people were hoping for, he did a great job there with what he had to work with." Say whaaaaaaat?! Uh, look, John. Going 1-15 can't seriously be called a "great job" even if all he had to work with was some string, an old tin can and Martin Gramatica. But bravo on insulting all those worthless players who were, you know, the crap you're saying Cameron had to work with. Why not just paint a target on Joe Flacco's chest? Or maybe fill your team's jock straps with bullet ants? I mean, there are so many other great ways to sabotage your team!

Anyway, until proven otherwise, I'm instituting a "Don't bet on Joe Flacco on the road" rule for the rest of the season. And besides, last week's loss to the then-winless Texans has actually made Dolphins coach Tony Sparano more confident. "The fact that we've won some ballgames and won some ballgames after we lost a few ballgames, I think gives us some confidence to understand that we can do this." So...to win, all your team has to do...is lose. Brilliant!

futuremrsrickankiel sez: I don't need your rules! You're not even my real mommy! Ravens win!

Patriots over Broncos: Man, last week's 30-10 ego-ectomy spawned a flurry of "This proves Tom Brady is the NFL MVP!" stories across the country, which strikes me as a little history rewrite-y. I mean, it's not like a Tom Brady-led team hasn't been bitchslapped before. Seriously. It's happened. Against the Chargers even. And during championship seasons. Besides, this isn't simply a case of going from an MVP-caliber QB to a standard backup. Matt Cassel hadn't started since high school. It was sort of like the Patriots didn't even have a backup. And while I know it's a popular notion to blame Cassel's inadequacies for all the woes in New England, that sort of ignores the team's defensive shortcomings, the offensive line deficiencies, the lack of a running game, and the fact that Randy Moss couldn't look less enthused if Bill Belichick was making him read Jane Eyre between plays. So, you know, it's not as simple as "Patriots Blowout = Dramatic Conclusion About Tom Brady." That, my friends, is...

Anyway, this game boils down to a classic case of a resistable force (the Pats) meeting a moveable object (the Broncos). And we've all talked about how puke-tacular their defense has been, but what about the "explosive" offense? Denver hasn't scored 20+ points since Week 3. They've scored 19, 16 and 17 points in their last three games, the last two of which were at home. Well, the Broncos ain't at home this week. And it's damn tough to win in New England.

Bonus douchbaggery: Jay Cutler calls out Phillip Rivers and insults John Elway's throwin' arm. Huh. I didn't realize that Jay's diabetes medication included a dose of megalomania.

futuremrsrickankiel sez: There is one reason, and one reason only, that the Patriots will win this game: this is my first Patriots game I'm ever attending. (Please bear in mind that the Patriots won their first Superbowl when I was 17, and thus tickets have been unattainable for my entire adult life... 4 years of which I spent in New Jersey for college.) So, like, they have to win. End of story.

Last week's record: 8-6

Season record: 37-21